Nightmares. I had, and still do, my fair share after being raped. It's how each night began and each morning ended what little sleep I was attempting to gain.
In Xena's arms was the only place I felt safe. It was the only place that even somewhat gave me a measure of comfort. That was until I discovered I was pregnant.
I couldn't blame an innocent child. Some would say the child was evil like its father. In most cases, I would say that's not true. But in Hope's case…
Just saying her name gives me chills. I know the word 'hope' as a whole is still the most painful word to my soulmate. Had I known, could I have changed what I did? Would I have been able to take Hope's life or allow Xena to do so?
I paused momentarily. We are into that area of 'what ifs' that drive both me and my soulmate insane at times. They will until our journey in this lifetime comes to an end. Will they in the next? I'm not certain. I only know what happened in this lifetime.
Which was? A child who should have given us both hope for good after so much evil and destruction was pure evil. But we didn't know just how much evil there was until later. And what it cost us…
I close my eyes and see that innocent child. She grew so fast. But I still had a baby. I had Hope. I needed something after what happened to me.
Sometimes I wonder why Xena couldn't be enough. Why did I have to allow a spawn of evil who killed an innocent man to take over my heart?
I feel Xena. She takes the quill from my hand. Pure love and trust were still part of my soulmate. Gabrielle was, and always will be, the most forgiving person I know. She sees only the good in people. Even if they are evil. I love her for it. Signed Xena of Amphipolis.
As I attempt to recover, I'll begin the story of my Hope that was not was she seemed. In so many ways she was my false hope.
GABRIELLE'S HOPE
The dream. Gabrielle is in a field. Meridian is there. They are happy. Suddenly the knife is in the bard's hand. She is killing her again. As she did in life and as she did in her dreams each night.
Gabrielle awakens calling out. Xena was instantly there taking the bard in her arms. It's the only place Gabrielle feels even remotely safe and there was a chance life could return to normalcy.
The dream was Gabrielle's body reacting to her first kill. A kill that would forever have blood upon her hands. A kill that would forever taint her soul.
Instinct? Did Gabrielle have that inside herself? Or was it something deliberate. Was it something the bard would do over and over again?
There was a part of Gabrielle that wanted to believe Xena. After all, a warrior had plenty of experience with kills. But there was a difference. The warrior princess was just that. She was a warrior. Her instincts were those of a warrior. But Gabrielle was a bard. Her instincts should be different.
Was being punished by her conscience enough? Gabrielle was certain it wasn't enough. There had to be a way to punish her beyond what her own mind and body were doing to her.
The illness was one of those things Gabrielle's body was doing to punish her. Herbs and pressure points weren't doing a damned thing. And soon they would be getting on a boat and leaving a place that the bard hoped never to see again.
A high-pitched sound that Xena didn't recognize startled the bard. Though loath to board a ship, it was time to at least get out of the woods. Something was coming for them.
Gabrielle was of little use as Xena fought the strange appearing women. Fight was not exactly what was happening as the warrior princess couldn't land a punch or a kick.
For some reason, the women wouldn't attack Gabrielle. Though it was not Xena's style, she had to remain behind her soulmate as they made their way out of the woods.
They love her? They worship her? Gabrielle was too sick to ask why at the moment. It might be important if they were to remain. All she wanted was to leave a place that had taken so much from her.
Banshees? According to Xena, they were of the shadows and only took mortal form before they strike. Why would they want Gabrielle? Why would they want to protect her?
Was Gabrielle all right? Physically she didn't feel quite so ill. It was the bard's soul that was hurting. She had wanted to believe in what Krafstar had been saying. A loving, forgiving god. Salvation and peace were also promised.
Instead, it was a god of darkness. There was pure evil behind this god. An evil that was now a part of Gabrielle. That might be why the banshees wanted to worship the bard.
A greater challenge? Xena was speaking of taking a life. How could that be a challenge? How could allowing evil to take over be just another challenge of life?
Passage back to Greece. It was something Gabrielle was looking forward to for once. And her appetite seemed to be returning. Thankfully her stomach was at least settling.
Before long Gabrielle was having quite the feast. It was things she would never normally eat, especially in such abundance. But there was something driving her to consume just about anything and everything.
Just as she was feeling really good consuming all sorts of goodies, the innkeeper was asking her to leave. He was saying something about not deserving this.
That's when the torch came through the window. That's when Gabrielle heard something about burning the witch. That's when she had to become inventive to escape from the flames that would surely consume her.
Xena comes to her rescue once again. Still not feeling all that great, Gabrielle runs. They make it to a bridge and the edge of the forest once again.
Soldiers saying Gabrielle would bring about the end of goodness? How could that be. She was a simple bard who traveled with the warrior princess.
Before Gabrielle knew what had happened, she had been taken by the banshees. They wanted to worship her. Nourish her. But why? Because she was the gate. Whatever that meant.
Pain. Great pain in her stomach. What was happening to her? A child? She was pregnant? And the child would bring a new order to the world. An order of darkness.
Xena! Gabrielle was never so grateful to see her soulmate. They were saying a child was inside of her. Just make a run for it. She was feeling much better. But first, the warrior princess had to have her fight. Then run!
A castle. That the banshees couldn't enter unless asked in. It belonged to the warriors of the pierced heart. That they were fighting against the banshees. The ones who had the villagers go after Gabrielle.
Pregnant? No, it couldn't be. How? It had to be a hysterical reaction to killing Meridian. It had to be something logical such as that.
The warriors sent a lynch mob and yet she was safe? Gabrielle wasn't certain what was happening. Only that things were happening at such a rapid pace her body, mind and soul were having trouble keeping up.
At least the banshees wanted to protected her. When Xena referred to it, Gabrielle at first attempted to deny it. Then it moved inside her. What was it?
Punished. That had to be one explanation for what was happening. After all, Gabrielle was going to end the cycle of hatred and violence. She was going to revere life.
Bring peace. It was the one role that Gabrielle never doubted was the fact she was to be a peacemaker. Since she killed and broke her role, she was being punished. And whatever it was was growing. But luckily, Xena helped her soulmate to sleep.
Pain! Screaming. They were the only things that Gabrielle could understand. What was happening to her? The bard was terrified. Not of the pain. But what if what she was bringing into the world was pure evil?
A girl? Gabrielle had given birth to an infant human child? It changed everything instantly for the bard. This was her baby. She couldn't allow anything to happen to it. Especially now that the warriors were there.
Gabrielle was grateful Xena and a couple of the warriors decided that it was an innocent child. That they would not kill her daughter.
They were safe from the warriors that wanted to kill the baby. Gabrielle felt as if she was glowing. Motherhood certainly did agree with her. In fact, she had hope once again. That was what she would call her child. Hope.
In the blink of an eye, Hope had doubled in size. It was amazing how fast her child was growing. It probably should concern Gabrielle, but she felt anew.
Enough so that Gabrielle's curiosity got the better of her. She had to ask about the sword in the stone. It was struck by their last king. How odd. But the fact that one day a great warrior would be born to their people and he would lead them did make sense. It was almost poet in a way.
Gabrielle could tell that Xena didn't trust her or the baby she had delivered into the world. She was half-mortal. Hope was like Hercules a very good role model for her.
Daughter of Dahok or not, Gabrielle felt her baby was an innocent. She would help Hope fight against her dark side just as she did Xena every single day.
But Xena didn't see it that way. She only saw a child of evil. Gabrielle was more than determined to protect her child. Even if it meant protecting her from her best friend and soulmate.
Once again, Gabrielle was awakened from a sound sleep. This time to an order for her to get away from Hope. How could an infant cause someone to choke to death? That was impossible. Xena was just terrified because of who the father was.
In fact, it came down to protecting her child and Xena. Gabrielle ordered the banshees to attack her soulmate while she escaped the castle.
A horse was not Gabrielle's favorite mode of transportation. But she needed to get away from Xena. She had to stay at least five steps ahead.
Gabrielle traded the horse for a rowboat. It was easier, if slower, than holding her child as they galloped through the open plains. Pleading with her child to be quiet as Xena would be relentless.
The words Xena said were difficult to ignore. Breaking the cycle of violence was the one that got Gabrielle the most. But this was her child. This was her Hope. She would do whatever it took to save her. Including lying to her soulmate.
The first lie. That Hope had turned on her and she threw her down the cliff. Of course, Xena didn't buy that. Especially when the sound came from the cavern.
Gabrielle refused to move. It was out of principle. How come Xena couldn't believe what she was saying as she had in the past? Thankfully she did and even apologized after discovering it was an animal making the sound.
At camp, while Xena slept, Gabrielle traversed a safe distance away. She begged her daughter to be good. She was her love. She was her Hope.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Nightmares. It was something Xena was extremely familiar with. It had to be even worse for an innocent like Gabrielle. All Xena could do was hold her soulmate.
Xena was a tad frustrated with Gabrielle. Only because she couldn't see that it was instinct. Nearly anyone would react to protect someone they cared for. Even if it was a relationship that was brief such as the one with Krafstar.
The warrior princess remembered her first kill all too well. But this wasn't about her. This was about her soulmate. One day Gabrielle would wake up and she would have hope again.
Punished? The fact every moment of every day Gabrielle was punishing herself. It was worse for someone like her bard. It was the worst torture of all.
Xena was quite concerned about Gabrielle, but the physical side was most worrisome at the moment. Herbs and pressure points weren't working at all. On the bright side, a ship should be easy sailing after how her bard was suffering now.
Brittania wasn't Xena's favorite place either. It wasn't just from this time around. But the fact it had cost Gabrielle her blood innocence was tops at the list why the warrior princess hated the island.
That's when they heard a noise. It was higher pitched then a wolf. It worried Xena that she didn't know what it was. It was another reason to hurry out of the woods.
That's when some crazy bitches with interesting powers appeared. Xena attempted to fight them but it was almost as if they weren't really there.
Xena heard how the women honored her soulmate. It was crazy, to say the least. Luckily, they wouldn't fight Gabrielle as the warrior princess didn't quite have the timing right. Yet.
It was their lucky day that Gabrielle wasn't feeling well. Worship? Love? Chosen one? The women had to be ranting. They had to get away from them. Luckily, they made it out of the woods.
Banshees were not something Xena had come across before. Luckily, she was well versed in many myths of different countries. They were beings of the shadow that take on mortal form when they wanted to. She was just getting their timing.
What did they want with Gabrielle? Who knew. They were freaks. It was another reason to get out of Britannia and get back to Greece. The gods were freaks there but they were their freaks.
Xena was grateful Gabrielle's stomach was feeling better. But she was insisting there was an evil inside her. That that was what the banshees wanted with her.
While what happened in the temple would have to be dealt with for the rest of her life, it could not kill the core goodness that was inside of Gabrielle. That was what made the bard the bard.
Xena left her soulmate with the innkeeper and chicken broth. It was time to find passage back to Greece. It was time to haggle. It was something the warrior princess wished Gabrielle was there for.
As they haggled, Xena sensed someone lurking about. Once they shook hands, it was time to confront the men. A fight ensued. She noticed their medallions as they fought.
Only moments after fighting with the warriors, Xena heard Gabrielle calling for her. The inn she had left her soulmate in was on fire.
Xena caught up with her bard just as they made it to the bridge. She came between the villagers and Gabrielle. The villagers informed her that the warriors she had just fought had sent them upon the bard telling them Gabrielle would end goodness. These warriors lived in the same forest of the banshees.
While Xena was talking to the villagers, Gabrielle was taken. It turned out the banshees had taken her and placed a gunnysack over her.
Instead of running as Gabrielle wanted, Xena attempted to fight. Her timing was still a tad off. Now it was time to make a run for it.
Inside the castle. It was a place the banshees couldn't enter without being invited. They'd at least be safe from them. It was the castle of warriors of the pierced heart. They were sworn to fight the banshees.
What was going on? Xena knew for a fact that her soulmate was pregnant. In fact, she was in her fourth month. It wasn't a hysterical reaction to killing Meridian.
Who were the warriors? They were the same ones who sent the mob after them. They were better off than the banshees as the banshees only wanted to protect it. As Gabrielle started to protest being pregnant, she felt whatever was inside move.
What was it? The only thing Xena knew was her soulmate was very pregnant. And it was growing at an alarming rate. For now, it was time to get Gabrielle somewhere where she could lie down.
Punished? Gabrielle was not being punished. She wasn't the first person to shed blood; she wouldn't be the last. It was time for the bard to get some rest. Xena used her skills to get her soulmate to sleep.
Xena listened carefully as the warriors discussed Gabrielle and what was growing inside her. She decided she needed more information and crashed the party. Literally and placed the pinch on one of the warriors.
It wasn't long how they were spilling about Dahok and the evil he was about to bring upon the known world. That the thing growing inside of Gabrielle was pure evil. That it was the window to evil.
Gabrielle screaming had Xena running. She took the time to block the door before making it to her soulmate. It was time to deliver whatever it was inside of her bard.
It was a girl. It appeared to be a mortal. Xena couldn't be certain what it was. But she knew for Gabrielle's sake she would, for now, protect them both with her life.
The warriors had split in half. Some were of the mind that the child was evil. Others were convinced it should have a clean slate and shouldn't be punished for the sins of her father. Xena was torn herself. It was time to get Gabrielle someplace safe while they fought the entire time.
Hope. Gabrielle had hope once again. Even naming her child Hope. While it was good that her soulmate was feeling better and had hope, but was it wise? They still didn't know what the child really was.
Some power had poured life into her? It sounded ominous to Xena. Something really wasn't adding up. This was more than about loss of blood innocence. This was about rape and the result of that rape.
In a majority of cases, Xena would say the child was a blessing. That any child was a blessing. But when the father was potentially an evil being, it was far from a blessing.
Xena listened to the others as she waited for the time to fight their way out. That's when the sword caught her attention. She easily pulled it from the stone. It was a brilliant blade.
Listening to how attached Gabrielle was to the child was making Xena uneasy. What if the child was revealed to be evil? Even half mortal, it still could be extremely dangerous.
It felt like a bitch slap. Gabrielle was saying that if the child was evil that she could help her fight it just as she did the warrior princess every day. While true, it still felt like Xena was a burden at times to the bard.
Don't come between them? Xena knew now that this was partially what Dahok wanted. There was no way Gabrielle could handle the evil alone. The warrior princess had to fight to remain by her soulmate's side.
As Gabrielle rested, Xena continued to move about. That's when she realized they were a warrior short. There had to be another way out. Why worry? Because what if he had a change of mind or if he was playing both sides of the field.
After learning the warrior was a traitor, Xena hustled back to the others. As she returned, she noticed the one most on their side was dead. It was enough to convince the warrior princess that there was evil in the child. Or that the child was pure evil. It must die.
Gabrielle awoke just in time. She could still not see how pure evil was formed in the innocent appearance of a baby. Yes, it was her daughter, but still…
That's when Gabrielle ordered the banshees to attack Xena. Luckily, the warrior princess now had their number. It took a moment, but Xena kicked their asses.
It was a race around Britannia. Xena tracked her soulmate. Gabrielle was nearly as good as the warrior princess at covering her tracks.
The chase led to a rocky hillside. Xena attempted to once again appeal to Gabrielle's sense of ending the cycle of violence by protecting something of evil.
For a moment Xena lost track of Gabrielle. She heard a scream. Supposedly the child turned on the bard and attacked her. Did the warrior princess believe her soulmate?
For a moment, Xena believed without reservation. Then, she heard the cry. Gabrielle placed herself in between the crevice and where the sound was coming from.
Yes, Xena thought Gabrielle was lying. She physically moved her soulmate aside so she could make certain. Once she knew it was most likely true, she apologized. Yet, something remained niggling at the warrior princess. It bothered her even as she slept at camp that night.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
The boat ride to Greece was a relatively quiet one. The nights were filled with nightmares by Gabrielle. She could only confide in her soulmate the ones that included killing Meridian. The ones that were of giving up Hope had to be kept to herself.
Xena remained mostly on topside during the voyage leaving her bard below. It was not a usual voyage. It was signaling something more brewing. The warrior princess couldn't place her finger upon it.
On the final night before docking, Gabrielle came to her soulmate. "I'm sorry I've been so quiet. I now can, at least on some level, relate to you giving up Solan."
While in a way it was like comparing centaurs to horses, there was truth to it. Xena didn't want to take away from the grieving process. "It's the most difficult thing for a mother. Giving up their child."
Gabrielle nodded. There was more she wanted to say on the subject but could not. If she did, she would give away the fact her child remained living, as far as she knew. "And of course thinking how I could have done things differently. If only I hadn't believed Krafstar…"
"I placed you in that position." Xena took her bard into her arms. "Some will say it was my hate and obsession that placed you in the position you were. And you will always say it was your choices. There is always destiny."
"I've often wondered about destiny." While it felt good to be held, there was a part of Gabrielle that felt as if she had betrayed Xena. That she should not have the comfort of her soulmate. "I think there is such a thing. But if this was my destiny, to continue to hurt so badly, I'd rather do without it."
"I know what you mean." Xena swallowed hard. "If it hadn't been for the destiny of me becoming the destroyer of nations, I might never have met you. I wouldn't have had Solan. There are so many things that my path led to, both good and bad, that I wonder how much was planned and how much was my choice."
Choice. Gabrielle attempted not to visibly shudder. After all, it was her choice to send Hope down the river. It was her choice to lie about it. Was it really destiny or was it the choices we make?
If only the pair knew exactly how the theory of destinies versus choices one makes would come into play. And of course a god is the one who helps ease it along. But in a good or bad direction?