Betrayal. I continued with my streak of betrayal. I'm not certain which was worse. Wait. I do as the betrayal of lying that Hope was dead cost Xena her son.
But the betrayal in Chin was close as I turned to Ares. While he made sense, I should have trusted Xena to return to me. If anyone could, it would be the warrior princess. It would be my soulmate.
But I was jealous. Plain and simple, I was jealous of a dead woman. I was jealous of another who attempted to change Xena. To make her see that she could use her many skills to help people and not kill them.
I pause in writing. Xena shoots me a knowing look. I have to admit to you readers and myself that it wasn't just that Lao Ma had attempted to make Xena see that there was another way to live.
It was because of the love they shared. Was it the love between lovers? Did it matter to a young, insecure bard who had betrayed her soulmate?
This isn't the first time I've admitted it to myself. It isn't the first time I've admitted it to Xena. But it is the first time I've admitted it to anyone else. It, no offense my readers, isn't anyone else's business.
But these are our chronicles. And to know the real Xena and Gabrielle you have to know the good and the bad. You have to know the pretty and the ugly. To me, this is the ugliest part of our relationship.
It leads up to so much misunderstanding, betrayal, lies and hate that it takes Xena's son from beyond the grave to be able to put his mothers' back together once again.
But that's placing the cart ahead of the horse. Now is the time of my betrayal of Xena. Or in my mind it's my continued betrayal of my soulmate.
THE DEBT
Gabrielle reveled in the way her soulmate said her name. She especially liked it seeing Xena was inquiring to see if she was all right.
The bard was just thinking. But about anything that Xena would like, that was something Gabrielle could not quite say in the positive.
Instead, Gabrielle decided to thank her soulmate for everything she had done in the past few weeks. For standing by her. For…
Likewise. It was easy for Gabrielle to stand by Xena for everything they had been through. As far as the bard knew, her soulmate had never actually betrayed the bard.
Anything was possible. Gabrielle nearly let slip how she had betrayed and disappointed Xena on a level one could not even calculate. Luckily, there was someone in the bushes to turn their attention to.
It was a messenger who was seeking Xena. Before the messenger could give the entire message, there was an attack. The wounds were too great before they were able to return to the messenger.
The green dragon has become too large? The green dragon must be made small? Gabrielle was dying to discover who or what the green dragon was.
But the fact that Xena was going on a long journey. Singular had Gabrielle nearly seething. Since when had they began traveling separately? At least on long journeys.
A land that was like night to Greece's day. A chance to see a different culture. A chance to travel with her soulmate for days on end. None of this was a deterrent. It was enticing to a bard.
If Gabrielle came, she couldn't become a nuisance? Did that mean she would be in the way? No, just wouldn't like what Xena was going there to do.
Enough of the cryptic. Who or what was the green dragon and what was Xena going to do? Kill the green dragon? Gabrielle was shocked and angry at the thought.
Better if Gabrielle remained behind? Just try and stop the bard. The bard would never understand? After all they had been through how could Xena say such a thing? At least Gabrielle's bartering skills saved money as her soulmate was on her way to take a life.
To understand, Gabrielle would have to understand what was left undone? It was all so confusing. But they had a long trip to make so there was plenty of time. It was an odd sensation as Xena became the bard and the bard became the audience.
Gabrielle shivered internally as she listened. After a broken warrior princess was reborn for death and destruction on the human race.
Total annihilation. Using dead men's heads on spikes as a warning. And an uttering Gabrielle had heard on another occasion. Kill'em all.
It pained Gabrielle to know just how hardened her soulmate's heart had become so long ago. It was Borias throughout the tale that was Xena's conscience. Or at least attempted to be. She would not listen to him. Even though they were supposedly a couple at this point.
Kill'em all. That was sadly her soulmate's mantra back in that day. No matter what Borias attempted to show her that it took skill and manipulating people.
Quite the pair was one way of putting it. Gabrielle could feel her jealousy rising a bit. Especially at the thought of Solan and how two so mixed-up people created such a beautiful, loving child. While her child was out there somewhere.
Gabrielle hadn't heard nothing yet? She wasn't certain she wanted to hear more about greed and hate. Love? How could it be about love?
Xena's voice changed when she began speaking of this woman called Lao Ma. Gabrielle felt her jealously increasing to a level she hadn't felt…ever.
It calmed slightly when Xena informed Gabrielle that it wasn't jealousy of Lao Ma taking Borias from her. It was because she knew Lao Ma could civilize him. And she needed a wild Borias.
Gabrielle understood in a way. If Xena were to ever return to her warlord days, would the bard ever be to reach her? Would she be able to stand by her soulmate? None were palpable thoughts.
A wise woman. if Lao Ma was alive now, Gabrielle would love to have met her. They probably would have a great deal in common. Would that have been Xena as well?
A child. Gabrielle never thought that Xena would lower herself to involving a child. Granted it wasn't killing a child, but it was harming him nonetheless. And if it had come to it, that Xena would have killed a child. The bard could not help but shiver at the thought.
In fact, it was making it difficult to continue traveling with Xena. While Gabrielle loved learning about her soulmate's dark past, sometimes it was even too dark for her. And this was one time it was too dark.
The worst part of all? When Gabrielle asked Xena if she owed someone so much that she would throw away the past few years her answer was yes.
And that was the parting of the ways between bard and warrior princess. Gabrielle couldn't condone murder. Even for someone who had done so much, or at least attempted to, for her soulmate.
It was time to save Xena from herself. Even if it meant making a deal with the devil. When Ares presented the deal to her, Gabrielle didn't realize the high cost it would entail.
Instead, Gabrielle was there in Chin before Xena. She was there to warn Ming Tien that she was on her way to kill him. Was it the right thing to do? Would Xena forgive her?
Another deal with a devil it appeared. This one had gone wrong. Ming Tien informed Gabrielle that Xena would not be allowed her freedom after she was judged. And she would not even be allowed to see her soulmate to attempt to explain.
No matter what Gabrielle said to Ming Tien, he would not listen. He would not consider the fact that Xena had changed. The bard was desperate to explain to her soulmate what she had been thinking. Now, she wasn't so certain that it was the correct thing to do. Yet killing was never the answer.
Listening to the past would normally be fodder for one of Gabrielle's tales, but she knew she would never relate these tales. She wasn't even certain if she would relate them to Xena. After all, Ming Tien was proud of who he was and thankful for how Xena had made him who he was.
What made Gabrielle snap so? Was it making two deals with two devils? Was it hating herself so? Was it wanting Xena to see the folly of her ways? Was that why she was slapping her soulmate to make her promise not to come back to Chin? Not to kill Ming Tien?
Silence. Gabrielle wanted to continue slapping her soulmate. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. Especially when she heard the verdict. Death.
At least one good thing came of the sentencing, Gabrielle could attempt to speak to her soulmate. But they couldn't talk. The bard had betrayed Xena. She thought she was saving her soulmate. The bard's reverence for life kept a brutal tyrant in power and led to her best friend's execution. Gabrielle hated herself with a passion.
Scratch my nose. They could have been nearly any words. Leave it to her soulmate to say something that was nearly comical. Gabrielle gladly, with tears in her eyes, did scratch Xena's nose.
Gabrielle continued to cry as she listened to how Xena knew she had only done what was right. That she was only angry with her bard. That she could never hate Gabrielle.
Now Gabrielle, saying with relief, she understood why Ming Tien had to die. Or why Xena thought he had to. It was partially because it was Lao Ma's last request. And that she saved the warrior princess' life.
But it was more than her life. Gabrielle was beginning to realize more and more with each part of the tale that Xena related it was about love. It was about redemption. It just sadly wasn't the right time for her soulmate.
And this was where Xena truly earned her title. It would have been amazing had the warrior princess taken Lao Ma up on her offer. Chin would have been a great land under their leadership.
But it wasn't to be. Gabrielle knew it was a ruthless Xena that existed all those years ago. She was grateful to Lao Ma for giving her soulmate a little bit of a glimpse of peace. And that it helped her right before they were to meet.
It was time. Gabrielle stood watching as they tied Xena to the table. Then suddenly, it was as if by magic. The bard watched as her soulmate used her mind to free herself.
It seemed to take forever, but it was only a short time. Ming Tien knew he was defeated. Gabrielle watched the tensity for a moment before making certain everyone was clear of the building.
When she returned, Ming Tien was sitting upon his thrown. Xena was saying he was powerless now. And they had a memento of Lao Ma's. They would take good care of it. Gabrielle felt warm inside as the jealously left her with the love she knew that her soulmate felt and vice versa.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Xena knew there was something still off about her soulmate. A little tea and inquiry and perhaps she would discover exactly what it was.
Thinking? That could mean a lot of things. Disappoint her? Xena really wondered what Gabrielle thought she had done or hadn't done. And it was true that nothing was impossible. Sadly.
Gabrielle was getting good. Xena loved that her soulmate had spotted the figure in the poplar tree. It was a messenger. From someone the warrior princess recognized instantly with the words.
Of course they were interrupted by warriors. By the time they were defeated, the messenger was too far gone to save. But the message was frightening. The green dragon had grown to large, must be made small.
Without second thought, Xena was readying for a journey. It was one she knew she would have to endure alone. For it was a one-way journey. And it was one she knew that her soulmate could never condone.
Xena knew she was explaining it badly. In fact, she was enticing her soulmate to want to come. Gabrielle, in some ways, remained that naïve farmgirl that wanted to see the world. That wanted to know everything there was to know.
Nuisance? On the contrary, Gabrielle would be her conscience and that was something that Xena could not afford on this trip. If she were to do as Lao Ma asked…
No the green dragon was not a dragon. It would be so simple if he was. And which person exactly? It was the person that Xena was determined to kill.
Gabrielle understood perfectly in a sense. But then, her soulmate could never understand killing. Even if it was for the greater good, she could never understand. And she hoped her bard never would understand.
Would Gabrielle understand? If Xena were to relate the tale of her past? So far, her bard understood, at least to a point, the things the warrior princess had done or not done. But this?
At least Gabrielle was still watching out for her. Xena thanked her for bartering for the supplies she would need to travel. And as the bard said grateful to help kill someone.
It was never easy for Xena to remember. Her legs being broken. A new Xena being born. A Xena who would rather kill'em all than negotiate. To form allies. At the time, Borias was all that she needed.
That and dead bodies. It was difficult to relate how Xena placed the heads on spikes in a way to terrorize her enemies. That she thought Borias was too soft and if it were up to her she would kill'em all.
Hate? Greed? War? It wasn't about that. How could Xena make Gabrielle understand? It wasn't about hate. It was about love.
When Lao Ma entered the picture, Xena could sense Gabrielle tense. Was it because of jealousy? The warrior princess would continue the tale and see how her bard reacted.
Kill Lao Ma over jealousy with Borias? Not hardly. It was just the wild Xena needed a wild Borias. Lao Ma would have civilized him.
That first true encounter with Lao Ma was something Xena could hardly describe. It was a battle unlike anything the warrior princess would ever encounter. And what she whispered…
Xena knew that Gabrielle would enjoy what Lao Ma had said to her all those years ago. Even wish they could have been friends.
What Xena knew Gabrielle might never be able to forgive of her past was the fact that she had intended to kidnap Ming Tien and ransom him. Would she have killed him? At that point in her life, yes she would have.
Gabrielle couldn't go there. Xena understood fully. There was no way her bard could help kill someone willingly even if it was for the greater good.
Xena watched as Gabrielle faded from the dock. It was so difficult to watch her soulmate fade away. And it had been even more difficult to admit that she owed someone so much that she would throw away the past few years.
After a long boat ride, Xena decided there was no time to waste. She crept along, careful not to disturb any of the alarms. When she pulled back the blanket, the familiar face was not what she expected.
Betrayed by a friend? No, Xena had not been betrayed by a friend. Had she been betrayed by a lover? Had she been betrayed at all? And by who had she been betrayed because how had Gabrielle made it to Chin before her.
Knowing she had to impress to survive, Xena used her many skills to launch out of the water and land on one of the few pillars. She held the board so her neck would not become too strained.
Suddenly, prisoners were giving shirts. The warrior princess couldn't understand what was happening. They were giving her clothing because they heard she attempted to kill the emperor.
The powers that Lao Ma possessed were no lie. She merely hid them unless she needed to use them. At first, Xena couldn't understand why she would share such powers with her. But then, she had informed Xena that she had the ability to see when others would be something some day.
When Xena was hauled before Ming Tien, she wasn't certain she would see Gabrielle again. Not only did she see her she felt her. The slap came as her soulmate sought a promise that the warrior princess could never give. Could never abide by if she ever did utter.
Death. It wasn't the first time Xena had been sentenced to death. It was worse this time as Gabrielle was partially behind it. It caused the warrior princess to be angry. Angrier than she had ever been with her soulmate.
The tone of voice. The tears. The words. Xena was having trouble not crying herself. Gabrielle hated herself for what she had done. For what was about to happen.
Xena could no longer hold out. She had to offer an olive branch. The words served as both an olive branch and helped to alleviate a desperate need.
There was no way Xena could ever hate her soulmate. She was angry with her. But she understood why Gabrielle would attempt to stop her. Would not be able to condone killing of any kind.
Gabrielle was beginning to understand. Lao Ma saved her life. But more than that. Lao Ma saved her soul. Her entire being.
If only Xena had not attacked Borias. If only she had done as Lao Ma had asked of her. What would her life had been like? Would she have met Gabrielle?
The debt was what Xena could turn to when finally she was at the end of her ropes. When things were at their darkest, she remembered her teachings. It brought her to the life she had now. It brought her to her soulmate.
As Xena was strapped to the table, she recalled what Lao Ma taught her. She could feel it happening. It was surreal. For once, she stopped hating. She stopped willing. She was just existing. And it helped her defeat Ming Tien.
Not wanting to have Gabrielle overhear anything, she asked her soulmate to make certain everyone was out of the building safely.
Xena wasn't surprised that Ming Tien killed Lao Ma himself. The fact that he knew she was his mother tore something inside her. She couldn't help her actions.
But Xena could help her words. Ming Tien was small now. That she didn't have to resolve this with murder. Gabrielle even informed Xena that she was the woman Lao Ma would want her to be by not resorting to killing.
There was the memento. It was Lao Ma's philosophy book. It would be treasured and guarded by the pair. Always. As would the love they shared.
()()()()()()()()()()()()()
Traveling. It was something Gabrielle and Xena had done for how many moons now. This time was different. There was betrayal. There were lies.
How does one mend betrayal? How does one tell the truth and hope for forgiveness? The answer to the former was to ignore that it happened. The answer to the latter was to continuing lying, act as if you had never lied in the first place.
After months of traveling both on land and shore, Xena and Gabrielle found themselves in an inn in Greece. It could be any inn in Greece with the exception of the one that Cyrene ran.
Xena was in the corner of their small room sharpening her sword. There had been a skirmish just outside of the village. This small room was the thanks of the village from saving them from raiders.
"Xena?" The warrior merely grunted. It was something Gabrielle was accustomed to. "I want to say thank you." The bard was busy writing in her scrolls.
It wasn't about their time in Chin. It was about the latest scrap. For that's what it was. Half a dozen men attempting to bully a small village that had no defenses of their own was nothing compared to what the couple faced on a daily basis.
The warrior princess glanced up from her sword. Xena could see the glistening of tears in Gabrielle's eyes. She wondered if this was one of those times she should immediately comfort her wife or if it was one of those times her bard merely needed to say whatever it was she needed to be said.
"For what?" Xena leaned her sword against the wall. She made her way to her bard. She sat down next to her soulmate and waited.
"You could have asked me how I got to Chin before you." Gabrielle managed to look her soulmate in the eyes. "I betrayed you that much is clear. But you never did ask how I was able to accomplish it."
Xena reached out and wiped several stray tears from her soulmate's cheeks. "I can't say I haven't wondered how you achieved the nearly impossible. But as you told me, nothing is impossible."
Gabrielle leaned her head against her soulmate's shoulder. "I should just tell you." She swallowed hard. "But the betrayal I've already…"
The bard's words were cut off by the gentlest of kisses. Xena held her soulmate gently by the shoulders. "Gabrielle, we both have done things that the other doesn't exactly approve of. You did what you thought was right. And it turned out over all for the greater good."
The bard took a deep breath. The ends justified means. It wasn't something she approved of. Especially since she now owed the devil something she didn't know what it would be one day.
"We've both done things for the greater good." Gabrielle placed a hand upon one of Xena's strong ones. "And we'll continued to do things either neither of us like or one of us doesn't like."
"Exactly." Xena leaned in once again. "I love you, Gabrielle. Nothing will ever change that." The pair slid to the bed. Xena made certain her arms were wrapped snuggly around her soulmate.
"And I love you, Xena." Gabrielle wondered. Was there nothing that would ever change that? Or could one love and hate someone at the same time?