TW: Disassociation
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Leonardo's ears rung loudly, his heartbeat starting to accelerate, pounding too loudly in his chest. His skull throbbed, and his eyes felt dry, the sting of emotion stabbing at his heart.
He wasn't ready for this! How could he possibly be?
His breath caught in his throat as Master Splinter looked from face to face, blinking in confusion like he couldn't quite figure out what to make of all eight faces before him. His expression lingered on Raph for several seconds, looking to his oldest for answers, and then it moved on to Leonardo.
As Master Splinter's gaze approached, a shudder ran through Leonardo, stronger and more desperate than when he had first sensed Master Splinter's presence. He snapped his face back towards the table before Master Splinter's yellow eyes met his, raising his hands up to shield his eyes, staring desperately at the wood of the table, barely able to spot his brothers doing the same.
Too soon, too soon, he wasn't ready, he just wasn't! Too soon, too soon…
Out of the cracks between Leonardo's fingers, he could see Master Splinter's gaze pass them, his attention no longer resting on them, but directed forward. His face was neutral, too, like he didn't want to attract attention to himself.
Oh, holy chalupa, he really was just like their Splinter… their Sensei used to do the same thing, especially when they were sneaking around. It looked like he wasn't paying attention, when really…
Leonardo could see his brothers following Master Splinter's movements, trying to be as subtle about it as Leonardo himself was.
Master Splinter reached for the tea kettle on the stove, still half-full of water from when they had prepared tea hours earlier. Leonardo had left it on low, but hadn't bothered turning off the stove, leaving the pot still warm. Master Splinter located a mug, setting it on the counter, and proceeded to pour himself a cup and seep the bag, turning back towards the door with a weary sigh.
He was just going to… leave? No demanding to speak with his children, desiring to be included as confusion swept the home? Wanting to know how best to help, or just allow his children to gush to him while he sat in silence?
Their own Master Splinter was good at many things, and one of those was listening. He absorbed their woes and lended an ear so, as they heard themselves talk, they could compartmentalize their own information and figure out what to do about it.
As close as he was to Master Splinter, Leonardo wasn't sure he wanted to emulate everything his father did. But if he ever had kids… adopted off the street, or whatever, Leonardo would want to listen. He would want to learn to understand, and teach his kid to understand themselves, too. It was something Master Splinter was so masterful at, and yet…
Here he was. An almost-but-not-quite Master Splinter leaving. Without so much as asking a question or sitting down with him. Their father, still out of reach, because none of them dared to breathe or even say 'hi'.
Inside, Leonardo's heart squeezed and clawed at his ribcage, pounding against his chest.
"Pops." Raph called carefully, breaking the heavy silence surrounding the entire room, slowly shoving back his chair and rising, turning around to face Master Splinter. The rat set his mug back down with a quiet clink, rounding his gaze back to Raph. "You aren't seeing anything… weird going on here?"
Master Splinter's eyes raked over all of them again, a frown twisting at his features, and his attention returned to his oldest. "Red," he hummed with a touch of fond exasperation, "you are all capable of taking care of yourselves. Now that you have all defeated Shredder for good, I am certain there is nothing you cannot handle together! I am proud of you, so you do not have to sneak out."
He smiled at them, displaying his sharp rat teeth in open affection. "You are not grounded, after all. You did nothing to-! Unless you did do something. What did you boys do?" Master Splinter's tail lashed as he scanned the surrounding area, squinting in suspicion.
"Papa…" Leon chided gently, shaking his head at his parent. "These aren't our sneaking-out dummies."
"I genuinely think you should consider getting glasses. No, don't just consider, it's a necessity at this point." Donnie deadpanned, leaning over the table. "I know your eyesight is poor, but… this reaches levels of phenomenal ridiculousness."
Master Splinter's fingers completely uncurled away from his mug's handle, leaving it abandoned on the counter. This time, his eyes came into sharper focus, and it was like he was truly seeing them. Slowly, Leonardo removed his hands from his eyes.
Master Splinter stared.
He rubbed his eyes almost frantically, studying the extra boys with shock. A frown replaced what used to be a jovial expression, confusion creasing his brows. Michelangelo hesitantly lifted a hand and waved and Splinter jolted at the movement. He tilted his head toward Mikey, who waved as well.
Master Splinter made a strange choking noise in the back of his throat, and he rounded on Raph. "You…!" He faltered, face clenching in thought, and then he turned his attention to Leon. "You boys cannot mean that my amount of sons have doubled in the last few days! I am too old to raise four more children. Five were enough."
"Master Splinter." Leonardo summoned Master Splinter's watchful stare onto him, swallowing back the tightness in his chest and the ringing in his ears. With practiced ease, refined from years of forcing back emotion during the heat of battle, he blinked back the tears in his eyes.
It had been nearly a year since he had last spoken to his father, and even longer since he saw him breathe. And now some carbon copy of his father was standing only a few feet away. If Leonardo wanted, he could jump up and embrace Master Splinter, and yet… It wasn't his father at all.
Master Splinter sounded like he didn't want anything to do with them. He sounded so, so tired… Leonardo was horrified that his presence was adding to Master Splinter's fatigue, but he couldn't help it.
"I… Sensei, we apologize for trespassing without your blessing, but we…" Leonardo spread his hands out on the table, palms up, as if the right words to say would fall into them. "…it was an urgent situation."
Master Splinter's ears flickered upwards, twisting in the air, and then they laid flat against his head again, a frown enveloping his muzzle. "Oh."
"Pops," Raph continued as Master Splinter's lost expression deepened, holding out a hand towards him. Master Splinter didn't accept it, still watching all eight boys with heavy layers of confusion and worry. "These guys are… uh, us. From another dimension, like in the movies! Same names and everything! They're here because there were some… uh, well…"
"Hi, I'm possessed!" Leon greeted, standing straight up so fast that Donnie nearly fell over. He stood on top of his chair, slamming one foot down on the table, flashing proud jazz-hands. "Surprise!"
An awkward silence filled the air as Master Splinter stared at his son in horror, but the atmosphere was broken by Raph slamming his head into the table. Leonardo felt tempted to join him, but decided against it as Raphael and Donnie both face-planting onto the table at the same time.
"What?" Leon asked, taking his foot off the table and frowning down at his oldest brother, slipping back into his seat. "What'd I say?"
"That was about the worst way you could tell anyone ever." Donnie hissed out, lifting his head as he kicked away from the table while propping his legs up. "Way to drop the ball here."
"That's how I told April!" Leon defended with a squeak, crossing his arms stubbornly. "And she accepted it, no probbles! Let me get this straight! When I don't say anything at all, you guys go 'Leo, you dumb-dumb, why didn't you tell us?' But then when I say it without any ado-ing, it's all 'Leo, why would you say that?' I'm starting to see a double standard here!"
Despite his younger counterpart's teasing tone, Leonardo could hear a genuine confusion and frustration in his voice, a tightness to his face that certainly wasn't there before. He was sure it was made worse by Master Splinter's presence, and Leonardo was so glad he hadn't facepalmed like the others.
"Possessed?" Master Splinter echoed, drawing everyone's attention back to him. Leonardo's heart stuttered nervously in his chest as Master Splinter side-eyed him, but the old rat didn't remain distracted for long. "You don't seem much different… How deep is it? How long has this been ongoing?"
"Uh, five days?" Leon guessed, casting a desperate glance at Leonardo, who shrugged hesitantly. Leon breathed out a sigh, pulling his chair back to the table and folding his hands in front of him. "Yeah, around that long. It's uh. Not too deep? I mean, it really doesn't feel that deep right now. I think it depends if I'm on my prescription fruit or not."
Master Splinter's brow furrowed, lips curling in a concerned frown as he looked desperately to Raph. At Raph's averted gaze, his eyes rounded out to Donnie, then Mikey, and finally went to their counterparts. Leonardo and his brothers' gaze all lowered as his eyes met theirs, except for Raphael, who hadn't lifted his head from the table since he had facepalmed and was refusing to look back up.
Master Splinter's eyebrows pressed together in determination, a light snarl biting its way out of his throat. "Typical possession, or like… April's?"
"Typical. Evil spooky demon and all that good stuff." Leon confirmed, startling as Master Splinter jumped onto the tabletop.
Leonardo folded his hands over his head as he sank as much as he could, wanting to be swallowed up by the ground and to no longer be here. As Master Splinter padded across the wooden surface to Leon, Donatello wrapped an arm around Michelangelo and pulled him against him. Michelangelo, having yet to release Mikey, pulled him along, too,
Leonardo swallowed back the lump in his throat as Master Splinter pressed his palm against Leon's cheek, drawing a small chirp from his son. Leo shoved his face as much into Master Splinter's hand as he could, his previously tense shoulders crumpling. "But I'm okay, Papa. These guys came from their own dimension to help!" Leon beamed, tilting his head to bury the entire lower half of his face into Master Splinter's touch. His voice lowered with every word he said, and at the end of the sentence, he paused.
Leonardo could tell he was trying to figure out how to explain the whole situation as simply as possible. Thinking about how negatively most of the kids had reacted to the prospect of killing Shredder, he was probably saving them from Master Splinter's terrified wrath.
"We're just about to run a test." Leon hummed out, closing his eyes with a satisfied sigh. The jealousy in Leonardo's stomach swelled. "And after that, we can go ahead with the, uh… exorcism?"
Master Splinter pulled slightly away from Leon, returning to his son at the sharp whine he made, pressing against him again. His head, however, pivoted on his shoulders to regard each of the adult turtles. His sharp yellow eyes seemed to bead deeply into each of their souls, watching how each of them moved like he was trying to determine the pureness of their intentions.
Leonardo did not meet his eyes. None of them did. As much as Leonardo wished he could say he had nothing to hide… he did. They all did, and none of them wanted to confess.
Master Splinter's watchful stare pulled away from the top of Raphael's head and back to Leon, his tone softening up a touch. "They came all this way to help?"
"Yeah, Pops." Raph hummed as the four adults relaxed. "Yeah, they did. They're…" Leonardo pretended not to notice the tears fathering in the largest turtle's eyes, nor the wet sniff he made. "They're heroes! They've been taking care of us, I swear they have."
"Purple?" Master Splinter called, no doubt noting Donnie's face scrunch subtly. Due to the close proximity, the changes of his son's facial features were easier to see. Even from across the table, Leonardo hardly noticed the change. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Donnie dismissed before Leon tore away from Master Splinter's hand to smack him, staring down at his knees. "It's dumb, and I've already forgiven… Never mind. They're doing their best with what they have. We all are."
Raph and Donatello made identical soft cooing noises at that admission, perking up with matching expressions of relief.
"Yes, yes, I know." Donnie grumbled, sinking into himself with the sudden attention. "Character development or whatever. I would appreciate it if we didn't discuss it further."
Master Splinter's eyes softened at Donnie's words, and he nodded softly like he had expected that, rotating his attention to Mikey. Mikey gave him a thumbs-up, smiling encouragingly. Master Splinter's shoulders relaxed, and his worried expression completely relaxed into a smile. He turned his now accepting attention to Leonardo and his brothers, a welcoming smile warming his features.
Even so, Leonardo didn't look at him straight-on.
Raphael lifted his head off the table, sagging his back against the back of his chair and crossing his arms. He met Master Splinter's eyes, face twisting into a daring scowl, and Leonardo abruptly realized that Raph had been mentally building himself up while face-planted.
Across the table, Donatello met Leonardo's gaze, gesturing his eyes towards Master Splinter and rolling his hands in a 'hurry along' motion. Leonardo nodded hesitantly, turning to Master Splinter. His head pulsed with the onsets of a stressed-induced headache, and he felt his mouth numbly open but nothing came out.
What was going on?
"You are all so small." Master Splinter said gently, looking over his shoulder at Donatello and Michelangelo, even though they were both taller than their counterparts. He frowned, and turned back to regard Raphael. "Especially you, small Red. Does your father feed you enough?"
Anger sprung to Raphael's eyes, nose scrunching in defiance. "I-!"
"Sensei!" Donatello interrupted, voice squeezing with the singular word, and successfully distracting Master Splinter from his interrogation of Raphael's eating habits. "Oh! I… uh…"
Leonardo's mouth regained mobility at the sight of his brother's distress, and he hacked out a gasp of relief. Leonardo straightened as much as he could in his chair, trying to summon as much of an aura of authority as he could. "We were wondering if we could borrow your scrolls?" He hated how young and unexperienced he sounded, voice pinching slightly and cracking in a way it hadn't ever since… he had awoken in the farmhouse. "It sounds like you know about possession, so if you have any documents about it… may I have your permission to see them?"
Master Splinter's brows sprung up, surprise evident on his features as he stared at Leonardo. He looked back at Leon, who offered a soft smile in return.
"Yeah, Pops, I know." Leon soothed. "He's mature and responsible and all that. You'll get used to it."
"Ah." Master Splinter nodded, putting his cheerful smile back over his face. "Yes, I believe I have a few scrolls stashed away," he said to Leonardo, "I'm not sure how helpful or insightful they'll be, but…"
"Pops has more scrolls than you do in your backpacks!" Raph reassured, puffing himself up. "He's got a bookshelf stuffed full of them! I can't wait for you to see it, it's going to make your mind-"
"Ah…" Master Splinter winced, tail flicking close enough to Leonardo that the blue-clad turtle flinched back. Master Splinter didn't notice. "No. I'm afraid… most of the scrolls…"
"Oh." Raph deflated, sinking into his chair. "They were destroyed in Shredder's attack, too, huh? That's… Uh, that's okay! I didn't realize your room also got trashed, we can just-!"
"We've discussed this, my son…" Master Splinter held up his hand rapidly, cutting Raph off of his spiral. "You do not need to fix everything that's wrong. Besides! My room was undamaged. The scrolls were… lost long before then! Yes, years and years ago! You were still a 'tot' and cannot possibly remember!"
Leonardo hadn't heard his own Master Splinter speak with that tone before. To be fair, he'd never heard Master Splinter talk like this at all before. This Master Splinter's voice sounded familiar and yet… it wasn't his father's.
The closest his own father had gotten to sounding like this Master Splinter's shrill, nervous self was when the old rat was trying to avoid saying out loud who exactly Karai was. Memories of a simpler time. When Leonardo was a kid not much older than Leon and spent too much of his free time staring at the tanto Karai had thrown at his head. When he was still young and stupid and so foolishly in love…
Stupid heart. It pounded so loudly that Leonardo vaguely wondered why nobody else heard it, a la Edgar Allan Poe. The longing for his father to be there, instead of this Master Splinter, who was almost him but not really, was so strong that he felt his ribcage squeeze. Leonardo couldn't bring himself to add to the conversation as Master Splinter managed to turn the attention away from his missing scrolls - why had they gone missing? Where were they? Why was it a secret Master Splinter didn't even want to mention? Why couldn't they just hold a conversation without miscommunication or a sudden inability to speak?
Leonardo glanced at his brothers out of the corner of his eyes, a strange mixture of relief and disappointment swelling in his chest as he saw their faces scrunched up, reflecting what he himself was feeling. Michelangelo and Donatello exchanged a look over the table, the former's hands drumming anxiously against the tabletop while Donatello twisted his hands together. Raphael looked tempting to bury his face back into the table, but settled for clenching and unclenching his fists.
It was times like this, as few and far between as they were, that Leonardo hated being the oldest, the leader, and the sensei. It was up to him to speak where his brothers couldn't. When their mouths refused to cooperate, and their words failed, it was up to him to overcome both challenges.
Leon was lucky, his mind unhelpfully supplied, he's almost the youngest, and he's barely the leader. Not to mention, Master Splinter is still alive. Not only is Leon not the Sensei, but he still has his Dad. That's something worth being envious of.
Leonardo forced his mind to jumpstart, refocusing on the conversation. He massaged his jaw for a second or two as he listened as Leon described in great detail their previous fight against Shredder. A sigh broke free from his jaw as he watched his younger counterpart jab at the air in front of him, an overexcited emulation of Leonardo.
Leon gestured extravagantly over to Mikey, who took up the reins of the story with zeal, making big enough gestures that it completely distracted Master Splinter from Michelangelo and Donatello as the two adults tried to lean out of his vision as much as possible.
Leon caught Leonardo's eye behind Master Splinter's back, nodding his head towards the elderly rat and holding up his hand into an 'ok' symbol, a question in his eyes. Leonardo paused for a few beats too long, and Leon's eyeridges furrowed in worry. At the shift in expression, Leonardo hastily held up his own 'ok', and gave a thumbs-up for good measure.
Leon started to mouth something to Leonardo, but suddenly Leonardo didn't want to listen anymore. He stood up rapidly, the chair legs raking against the ground. Mikey cut off from his story, and all eight other eyes at the table rounded on Leonardo.
Great.
"Sorry to interrupt," Leonardo apologized, "but were all your scrolls destroyed?" Leonardo ignored the snort Raphael made beside him, knowing his immediate younger brother had caught onto Master Splinter's hasty excuse, too. "If not, I'd like to look through the remaining ones as soon as possible."
Master Splinter still looked at him like there was something wrong with him, and Leonardo had to remind himself over the ache in his chest that he just wasn't used to his personality yet. Or maybe at all, but that didn't matter. He wasn't a little kid anymore, defined by how much his father favored him. This wasn't even his father. So why did he want Master Splinter to look at him like he looked at his sons?
Sure, it was only natural to want to be liked, but…
"Yes," Master Splinter reassured, tilting his head at Leonardo, oblivious to his internal struggle. "Only a few are left, but I think one of them does deal with possession. I'll go fetch it right now!"
The old rat hopped off the table between Raphael and Leonardo, both turtles flinching away from him. Leonardo wrapped one arm around his lower plastron as he managed to play off his flinch as a side-step away to allow Master Splinter more room. Raphael, however, snarled silently at Master Splinter's back, unnoticed by the rat but seen by his four sons.
As Master Splinter padded out of the room, the younger turtles rounded on the four olders, expressions rounding from confusion, to worry, and then on Donnie's side, boredom.
"Hey," Leon said after a few seconds, pushing himself out of his chair and crossing his arms. "What's happening? You guys just… shut down."
Leonardo froze, exchanging a look with Donatello over the table. Michelangelo's face was buried into Donatello's shoulder, shudders wracking his body. Beside Leonardo, Raphael growled, hands forming fists against the table.
None of them wanted to say it, as it was always painful to admit. Unless it was to each other, it felt like saying it aloud brought it to life, paradoxical as it may seem. It brought back the memories of that horrible day.
"They don't have a Master Splinter." Donnie's voice cut through the thick atmosphere, drawing everyone's attention to him. The air suddenly got cold, and the four older turtles froze, staring at him in horror. Leonardo couldn't breathe. "Not anymore, anyway."
Raph's face twisted with some form of anger, scrunching his nose at Donnie. "Why would you-? Donnie, don't say things like that!"
"Why not? It's true." Donnie huffed, brow furrowing with what seemed to be confusion. "Donatello told-"
Donatello jolted out of his chair, a clinging Michelangelo going with him as he went, frowning at his little brother's startled yelp at the sudden movement. He adjusted his hold on Michelangelo, rubbing a circle into his shell. "Sorry, Mikey…" He hissed, his voice all bite and no comfort, his attention still fully on Donnie. "What is wrong with you?!"
Donnie blinked at him, eyebrows furrowed. He arched one, setting his jaw stubbornly. "I regret to admit, I don't know quite what you mean."
"Don't be stupid!" Donatello shouted, raising the arm not wrapped around Michelangelo at Donnie, shaking his fist. "Why the heck did you think it was okay to share that?!"
"Oh, apologies, I was unaware that you were going to say anything. I figured if you weren't going to, I-!"
"Oh, sure, thanks for that! Maybe we didn't want to hear it aloud, you ever think of that?"
"Dudes, cut it out!" Michelangelo shoved his way off of Donatello and between the two Dons, holding out his hands to push both of them back a couple of steps, glaring at the ground and refusing to meet their eyes. "Why can't we ever go a day without fighting?!"
"I think we were doing pretty well!" Donatello argued, frowning down at Michelangelo. "Until Mr. Better-Then-Everyone showed up and had to open his big fat mouth!"
"Ah, ah, au contraire, mon ami! 'Tis not I who-!"
"This is what I'm saying! Remember when we used to fight all the time?! We fought about what to have for dinner, we fought about who should be the leader, we freaking fought about fighting!" Michelangelo balled his hands into fists, knocking one of them against Donatello's upper carapace and bringing the other stiffly to his side. "We promised we wouldn't do that again, Dee! We said that we…! Ugh, sometimes it's like I'm the only one who tries anymore."
Michelangelo pulled away from the Dons, hugging his arms to his chest. Donatello made a fleeting attempt to grab Michelangelo, but fell short as Michelangelo withdrew as far as he could to the side of the kitchen. Michelangelo glared at the ground, marching at a speedy yet uneven trot out of the kitchen, refusing to look up at any of his brothers or their counterparts.
Mikey sniffled loudly as he left, twisting his fingers together and whimpering, leaning heavily into Raph's arm as the bigger turtle held one his hand invitingly.
"I'm. Going to go after Mikey." Donatello grunted, slowly lifting his hands to press his palms over his cutaneous plates, wincing.
Leonardo barely managed a nod, foot tapping against the ground anxiously as he fought for some semblance of control. His heart was thudding away at his ribcage, his vision was blurring, and his ears were ringing too loudly to make out anything else.
Raph said something, holding out his other hand out to Leonardo, face a disjointed, foggy mess as Leonardo stepped away from him. Leon placed his hands on the table, leaning towards him, mouth open and eyes wide, but even his face was starting to blur into a jumble of green, blue, and red.
He couldn't breathe, he couldn't-
(:)
Leonardo was no longer moving.
In the midst of Mikey's sobs, Raph's gentle reassurances, Donnie's confused squawks, and Leon leaning over the table to try to gather attention, it was just about the only thing Raphael was aware of.
His older brother was staring blankly at some part of the table in front of Leon, staring through the wood and not acknowledging Leon's finger snapping to try to get his attention. Leonardo's arms were clutched to his chest, and even his nervous knee-jerking had stopped completely. Raphael hadn't seen him disassociating so strongly since… the farmhouse. When he'd sit still for several hours - zoning out at the wall or the window - and it would leave his brothers fumbling for what to do.
Even after they got home, and Leonardo was better and his knee problems were limited to post-mission throbs, his brothers still had no clue how to help. Leonardo stopped disassociating a week before they left the farmhouse, and the only time he relapsed was right after Splinter's death and killing Shredder, and yet his brothers couldn't help.
Raphael wasn't expecting it to happen again. Certainly not now, even though it made sense. He was pretty sure he was the only brother not on the cusp of freaking out over the Master Splinter situation. And that was only because he had taken a moment drowning out the conversation when Master Splinter first walked in.
Ugh, it was hard to be the responsible brother. That was more of a Leo thing, not a…
Raphael's gaze drifted over to Raph, and he huffed out a breath. Okay, so, it's a Raph thing, too, apparently.
Raphael tugged his arms around Leonardo's shoulders, holding his older brother tight and starting to turn him out of the room, the urge to get Leonardo somewhere safe driving him on. The fact that their counterparts, especially Donnie, couldn't be marked as 'safe' anymore made his heart twist a little.
But! It didn't matter. Whatever was happening, Raphael was going to handle it. Like the boss that he was.
"What's wrong with him?" Leon stage-whispered as Raphael guided Leonardo out, not bothering to hide the worry in his voice as he stared after his new sensei.
Raphael couldn't quite swallow back the relief that Leonardo was moving along with him, and wasn't rooted to the spot. Either subconsciously or not, he was still moving. It wasn't one of his worst episodes, and it certainly wasn't the best, but it was much better then it could be.
"I don't know, Leo." Raph sighed back, making a quick shushing noise immediately after at Mikey. "But Raphael's handling it."
"Yeah," Raphael huffed over his shoulder, half turning back towards them while giving Leonardo a gentle shove onwards, coaxing him on. "I am. But while I'm handling my family, why don't you handle yours? Dumb-atello needs a good talking to."
"Loud offended gasp! I was simply stating information! It sho-!"
"Donnie! You're not the victim here!"
Everything went silent for several seconds, and Raphael used the opportunity to turn back to Leonardo and grab him again, tugging him to the side and away from the kitchen.
He could hear Donatello and Michelangelo talking somewhere down below, the rising and quick falling of their voices indicated the middle of what was probably the worst attempt to be quiet ever, but Raphael shrugged it off. Knowing where his little brothers were at least gave a destination in mind, and somewhere safe to take Leonardo.
At least, as safe as a half-crumbling sewer lair could be.
Out of the corner of his eye, as Raphael turned Leonardo toward the ramp leading to the atrium, he saw Master Splinter emerge from one of the distant rooms, scroll clutched carefully in hand. Master Splinter didn't take any notice of them, beelining as quickly as he could for the kitchen. Raphael wondered if his eyesight really was that bad or if he was just choosing to ignore them.
For Master Splinter's sake, and his brothers', he hoped it was the former. If he was purposefully acting dismissive…
Raphael shook it off, breathing out a sigh of relief as the walls on either side finally shielded them from view of anyone on the upper floors. He shrugged Leonardo a little closer, resembling a hug more than a pull, grunting under his breath. Michelangelo was the only one who genuinely sought out physical touch, but right now, Raphael wasn't sure what else to do.
It seemed to be the right move, because a few steps later, Leonardo released a puff of air, releasing one arm from his self-hug to massage at the corners of his eyes. Raphael tugged him a bit closer, nearly knocking his older brother off balance, and quickly loosened his hold.
"Sorry." Leonardo hissed out, cradling the side of his face Raphael couldn't see with his hand, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't know why I…"
"Take a minute to calm down." Raphael interrupted, twisting his head to glare back up the way they came, making sure nobody was following. The coast was still clear, and he thought he could hear Raph's voice raising, but he couldn't make out any words. That meant that it didn't sound urgent enough for Leonardo to demand they turn around, but from Leonardo's expression, he wanted to, anyway.
"Where are we going?" Leonardo asked after a few second's pause, blinking in exhaustion at Raphael.
"Mike and Don." Raphael gestured as the exit to the ramp became visible, as did Michelangelo and Donatello, standing against the edges of the atrium so they couldn't be easily seen from the upper levels.
At the sight of their brothers, the last of the tension fell away from Leonardo's shoulders, but Raphael noticed a shiver shake his body as Raphael's arm fell away. Leonardo tripped slightly, but caught himself before Raphael did, jolting upwards to dust himself up.
Donatello and Michelangelo's heads jerked up at the stumble, staring at Leonardo for a tense moment before turning confused, desperate eyes to Raphael. Behind their oldest brother's back, Raphael shrugged and bugged out his eyes, hoping that it got his point across.
From the horrified expressions Donatello and Michelangelo sent him, Raphael figured he had nailed it.
"Raph's handling Donnie." Raphael relayed, pointing upwards towards the kitchen, narrowing his eyes as where he estimated Donnie was standing within. If ever he could summon the power of x-ray vision, he wished it were now.
"Good." Donatello huffed, running a hand along the top of his head, staring bitterly at the ground. "It was all my fault. I can't believe I told him!"
"Do you think it was revenge? For us not protecting little-Leo?" Michelangelo asked nervously, twiddling his thumbs together. "That is so totally unfair! We didn't mean to, we just-!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know." Raphael huffed with a roll of his eyes that held no bite to it, holding out his arm like Raph had done to Mikey, inviting Michelangelo to bowl into his side. "It doesn't matter what he thought he was doing, he owes us big time."
"I also shouldn't have pressed for a conversation with… Sensei." There was the slightest pause between Donatello's sentence and the title, the young genius uncertain how to reference Master Splinter without risking a breakdown from his brothers and himself. "So much for not making mistakes anymore…"
"No, you were right." Leonardo reassured, dragging a hand down his face. He was still shaking like a leaf despite how hard he was trying to look authoritative, his face still a mess of emotions. "We should've asked as soon as he knew Leon was possessed. We need to read that scroll and see if there's any new information. The sooner we get it, the sooner we can-!"
"Hate to break it to you, Leonardo." Raphael interrupted, narrowing his eyes at the leader in blue. "But you look two seconds away from collapsing and Mikey's still crying."
"Today's been such a day." Donatello groaned, burying his head in his hands and sinking to a crouch, looking like he, like Leonardo, was seconds from tipping over and falling asleep. "What time is it, even?"
"Nine?" Raphael ball-parked, not bothering to pull out his T-phone to check. "We've been up all day, at least."
"Nine-thirty, you were close, dude." Michelangelo reassured, actually looking up the time. "I thought we'd be done by now…"
Raphael got a strange throbbing in his chest as he realized that his littlest brother, who had honestly been the most excited to be here, was starting to talk about being here like it was a chore. He had even started putting up a fuss at some point about needing to go home with his brothers when they were done, and now he sounded desperate. This wasn't good.
"Okay, you know what?" Raphael announced, reaching out to punch Michelangelo's arm. "Why don't you go take a walk? It'll be good for you."
"Raphael," Donatello looked up with a nervous smile, obviously trying to make a joke but from his wobbly tone it wasn't really working. "Don't tell me that you, of all people, are telling Mikey to go blow off steam."
"Surprise, Donnie, that's exactly what I'm saying." Raphael hummed, grabbing Donatello's elbow and pulling him up to his feet, and pretended to dust him off like a mother doting after a child. "Why don't you, too? Getting out of here for a few minutes will be good for you. I'll text you when pizza's here."
Donatello and Michelangelo exchanged a long look that Michelangelo looked away from first, still bitter over the argument. Donatello looked desperate, wringing his hands together anxiously. It was becoming more and more apparent that whatever apologies Donatello had spewed out when Leonardo and Raphael were still in-route had been dismissed by Michelangelo.
He must've really gotten angry… Raphael would talk to him about it later.
"Yeah, a walk sounds… good." Donatello allowed, moving from fiddling with his hands to rubbing his neck, frowning at Michelangelo took one more step away from him. "Mikey, do you want to…?"
"Not really." Michelangelo admitted, avoiding eye contact with Donatello, staring at the wall. "I think I'll head off on my own. We'll talk when we get back, okay, Dee?"
"Right. Yes. Of course." Donatello agreed, wincing slightly. "It probably won't be much longer until April's back, though, so don't stray too far."
Michelangelo nodded, turning and pushing past his brothers for the ramp, refusing to look any of them in the eye. Donatello waited a minute more before following after him, murmuring under his breath nervous exclamations.
Raphael waited until they were both out of earshot before he nudged Leonardo, ignoring how his brother startled, and nodded after their brothers. "You should go, too."
"I… can't." Leonardo mourned, a touch of desperation in his tone, casting one hand up nervously, waving it about. "We… no, no, I need to do this, Raph! I need to save him, and I can't if I don't have all the pieces, and his scrolls might tell me what to do, but things are getting worse, and I can't stop it, and I just-!"
"Take it easy, brother." Raphael interrupted, elbowing Leonardo in an attempt to quell his spiral. Leonardo's hand dropped, and he huffed out a breath, glaring at the ground where Donatello had stood. "I'll handle this."
"You shouldn't!" Leonardo's head snapped up. "It's my responsibility."
Raphael felt something sink inside him, as he finally realized that they were back to this. Leonardo was, once again, thinking he had to take responsibility for everything, ignoring his own mental health. Minutes ago, Raphael had watched Leonardo completely shut down. And now his brother was acting like nothing had happened, despite how he still shook, how his eyes didn't quite focus on Raphael, and how he looked like at any moment he might tip over and be absorbed by the floor.
Was it wrong to punch Leonardo when he was on the verge of a breakdown?
Probably.
Was Raphael going to do it anyway?
…it was tempting. Very tempting.
Unfortunately for Raphael, he couldn't actually smack sense into Leonardo.
"We've talked about this." Raphael grunted, glaring at Leonardo and hoping his brother was paying attention to Raphael's clenched fists and figured out just how frustrated he was. "You don't have to do everything by yourself! When you can't, I will."
"Raph-"
"Take a moment to yourself." Raphael commanded, adopting his own big-brother voice that always worked on Michelangelo, only occasionally worked on Donatello, and never worked on Leonardo. It was worth a shot, anyway.
Leonardo stared at him for a long moment, face scrunching up in frustration. He huffed out a sigh when Raphael refused to relent, holding out his hand for Raphael to grasp. Raphael did, giving it a firm squeeze that Leonardo returned, the older already starting to lower himself to the ground as he clutched Raphael.
"I'll take that as a yes." Raphael breathed out a chuckle, shooting out one leg to grab a blanket from the atrium flooring and kicking it up in the air. In one solid movement, he spun around and knocked it back down and into Leonardo's face, a smirk crossing his face as Leonardo spluttered and tried to get it off of him.
As Leonardo pulled at the blanket, Raphael patted his head teasingly, placing his hands on his hips. "Deep breaths, drink water, try not to think too hard." A bit more seriously, he lowered into a crouch, narrowing his eyes. "Take care of yourself before I take care of you."
"Thanks, Raphael." Leonardo returned as he managed to wrap the blanket around his shoulders and not his face. "I don't know where I'd be without you."
In a coma at the farmhouse. Still putting the family in danger while chasing after Karai. Dead. The list could go on, but it didn't need to be voiced. Instead, Raphael just shrugged at his older brother, and, having enough of the mushy affection for the day, returned his sentiment with "Yeah, whatever."
Leonardo scoffed fondly, tucking the blanket further around him, burying his face into his knees. "Text me, too, Raph. I'll come up for pizza when it gets here."
Raphael watched him for a second, convincing himself that Leonardo wasn't about to have another breakdown when he left, and then pivoted on his heel, pacing back up the ramp.
The yelling had stopped at some point, and as Raphael neared the kitchen, all that met his were quiet murmuring, and a slight scoff echoing out into the hallway. Good.
He wasn't in the mood to passively deal with more yelling today. In fact, if one more person raised their voice, he might just punch them in their voice box. Passively. Because he was supposed to be passive now. At the very least passive-aggressive, instead of flat-out aggressive.
Raphael did take his time walking into the kitchen, peeking around the corner and shoving the tarp out of the way before fully entering.
To his surprise, but not necessarily confusion - he had seen how touchy their counterparts were with each other - the four younger turtles were bundled into a pile. Raphael was surprised to see Master Splinter with them, looking from Donnie to Raph, sensing the tension between them. He looked up when Raphael entered, noticing his presence first.
"Scroll?" Raphael grunted, avoiding making eye contact with anyone else but Master Splinter, even when the sharp yellow gaze pierced into him and hurt worse than any eyes ever had. Are you proud, Father? I've protected them. I'm still protecting them even from ourselves. I'm doing good things here. I'm bettering myself, and becoming less angry, just like you wanted.
Master Splinter didn't answer Raphael's silent questions, because how could he, and instead pointed towards the table where the roll of parchment lay, enclosed firmly in a leather casing.
"Thanks." Raphael grunted, reaching out to snag the scroll off the tabletop, clenching it tightly in his fist. He tried to pull off the lid in one flick of his wrist, but it didn't free up easily. It had some sort of clasp mechanism wound around it, holding it tight enough that the pressure built up to the point where he couldn't pry it open. He pulled out his sai to undo it, grumbling out a breath as it twisted against the clasp but didn't budge it.
Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Master Splinter tilt his head in confusion at him, and Raphael had to take a moment to remind himself that Raph never appeared angry. Why would this Master Splinter be proud of someone so angry when he had a son who had already mastered it? Master Splinter didn't even know Raphael, why was he being so hung-up over this?
He didn't need a parental figure, he didn't need anyone. Not Leonardo, not Mona, not Casey, and not anybody else. Sure, they made life worth living, but he didn't need their opinions on him to feel secure in himself. He was better than that. He had gotten better. He had never cared as a kid, and had only started to care as a teenager once their missions got more dangerous and he realized he didn't want to die and be remembered as the angry brother. Whether it was his brothers or him dying, he didn't want his last words to be ones of hate. If the only memories they had of him or vice versa were of him yelling, then it was a life that could only be remembered with regret.
And finally as an adult, he was proud of himself. Self-confident. He could be angry and not feel like he was going to regret every second of it. Leonardo called it 'righteous fury' the one time Raphael dared mention it. He had said it right after Splinter's death once his own brothers had shared their pieces and Raphael felt he had to share his own for it to be fair. Raphael had liked the sound of it. Made him feel more like an older brother and less like a little kid.
And yet, here he was. Back to just being flat-out angry and regretting every second of it. Like a little kid again.
Raphael took a deep breath through his nose, refusing to open his mouth and draw attention to the movement. What was it his Master Splinter always said? River over a stone? Yeah. Raphael wasn't feeling like a stone at the moment. More like a tempest, raging rapids, swirling and unmerciful.
Raphael had to get out of here. Before he burst. He had the scroll, which was all he needed. Maybe his brothers wanted him to clear the waters. That's what he had implied he was doing, too. But Raphael couldn't. He thought he was fine, but then Master Splinter's eyes, they just…
The sai slipped for the thirteenth time against the clasp, and Raphael bit out a cross roar, stabbing the point into the table and glaring at the sai in hand. Yeah, he was done. Done. He couldn't handle anything else today, he was going to burst, why couldn't he take over for his brothers properly without feeling like a screwed up mess of-
Raph nudged Donnie roughly, the movement drawing Raphael's attention. His glare snapped to the younger turtles, softening only a fraction when Mikey flinched from the weight of it.
Suddenly, Raphael was in April's apartment, demanding to know where Leonardo was, with Michelangelo's terrified expression staring at him, except it wasn't Michelangelo, it was Mikey, and Leon was here, and Leonardo was downstairs, and everyone was safe, except now it was Raphael who was freaking out his brothers. He really couldn't give them a break, could he?
After all, they're still your idiot brothers in different skins, you idiot. Leon's just as awful as Leonardo is, Mikey's the heart of the family, a shining beacon during the hard times, Donnie still is downright terrible at articulating his feelings, and Raph is protective. And a good brother.
Raphael's anger twisted like a knife within him one last time, then fell away, the metaphorical blade falling out of his chest and fading through the floor, not to come back. His frustration flooded the place his anger had been, not as strong, and felt more muted, but it was there. It kept his glare pulsing, but it made all his want to lunge at them vanish in a heartbeat.
Ugh, what a teddy bear he was. One look on Mikey's face, and all that fury, all that building of nerves and need to leave just goes.
As Raphael felt himself slacken his shoulders, Raph pointed with his eyes at Raphael, coaxing Donnie onwards with an encouraging smile.
Donnie paused, face pinching into a bitter expression that Raphael knew only too well. Raphael waited with as much patience as he could muster, which, living with three brothers while two of them rambled for far too long before getting to the point, was surprisingly quite a bit.
Finally, after a few seconds of obvious debate, Donnie shoved himself to his feet. He lurched with a stumble out of Raph's lap and clung onto the back of the nearest chair like a lifeline. Raphael took a step back out of surprise, then thought better of it and extended his hand to help steady him. Donnie wrinkled his nose, and Raphael pulled back again.
"I apologize." Donnie breathed out, quickly smoothing out his features as he locked eyes with Raphael. He refused to look backwards at his family, even for moral support, rooting himself to the spot. "It wasn't my intention to… disclose that information. I am… not well versed with social cues. I wrongly assumed it was in everyone's best interest to know. So, once again, my apologies."
Raphael paused, studying Donnie's face. His heart twisted in his chest, and then he groaned in reluctant acceptance, running a hand down his face. "Yeah, yeah, you're forgiven or whatever." He grumbled. "You're going to have to say that again for my brothers," he warned, "because they were hurt much worse then I was over this, and it's up to them whether they accept your apology. You're just lucky they're nice."
Donnie nodded fast enough that it looked like his head was going to spring off. He tilted backwards, collapsing backwards into Raph's arms again, thrusting his head against Raph's plastron. "Thank you. For forgiving me." He looked at Raph then, a tad desperately, and hissed "Don't make me do that again."
"You've gotta. He just said you have to apologize to his brothers, too." Raph scolded, and Master Splinter nodded along, even though he looked sorely confused.
"Would any of you boys like to explain what happened while I was gone?" Master Splinter asked after Donnie grumbled one last time, falling silent.
"Sorry, Pops," Raph beamed with slight nervousness, eyeridges scrunched and snaggletooth catching on his lip. "We can't. That's kinda the whole thing; we don't have permission to talk about it. It's sort of… kinda… confidential?"
"Yeah, need to know type-stuff, and we didn't need to know." Leon added, shooting a glare at Donnie. "We didn't even want to know!"
"I'm only going to say this once." Raphael announced, finally remembering to put down the scroll again as he rounded narrowed eyes at the small group. "This is a topic that, outside of Donnie's apology, is never to be brought up again unless it's by me or my brothers. After he apologizes, you all need to pretend like you never heard a word about it. Because it doesn't matter, got it?"
Five identical nods flashed in front of him.
"Great. Anyway, our Master Splinter's dead. He has been for a year. We're mostly over it, but sometimes, when stuff like this is pulled, it just becomes a whole mess!" He could feel his voice rising, and oh, hello again, anger.
At Raphael's shout, Mikey whined, burying his face into Master Splinter's shoulder while the old rat's face paled. Even with his fur covering his skin, Raphael was certain he could see Maser Splinter suddenly turn white as a sheet, horror etched over his features.
"We don't want pity over it." Raphael forced himself to talk quieter, crossing his arms and staring at the wall just past Raph's quivering head. "You don't have to worry about it happening here or whatever, because your Shredder's already dead. The threat's over."
He realized a moment too late that it was the wrong thing to say as the room suddenly got very still and the younger turtles caught on to the implications.
"Wait." Leon said softly, a tremble snaking across his shoulders. "So. Your Shredder killed your dad. The same Shredder who's currently making my head his playground?!"
And this was why Raphael wasn't good with kids.
"And this was why I freaked out when you got hurt!" Donnie admonished, sweeping his hands across as much space as he could without smacking a family member in the face.
"You're hurt?!" Master Splinter gasped, head snapping around to look at Leon in horror. "Where?!"
"Not anymore." Leon reassured, not looking at either Master Splinter or Donnie even as the former grabbed his arm and started feeling it, searching him for any cuts and bruises. Donatello had told Raphael about the scar on Leon's arm, and Raphael could imagine the conversation that would come if Master Splinter discovered it. "Right now I'm a little more concerned about what we're going to do!"
"Leo, it was already a big deal-!"
"Yeah, but at least then I didn't know he had killed the MVP version of Pops! No offense, Dad."
"Offense taken." Master Splinter grunted, palms now cradling Leon's cheeks. Leon leaned forward so he could reach better, eyes still locked on Raphael, peering at him from between Master Splinter's ears.
"Yeah, well, you haven't seen these guys fight! They're incredible." Leon insisted, the fear never leaving his eyes even as he sang their praises. "Their Splinter must've been… oh, shell, I'm so sorry, I'm not meaning to…" Leon whined, squeezing Mikey's hand when it found its way into his. "I'm just… What am I going to do?! If he's that powerful… I'm going to die, what chance do I have, I-!"
"The plan's the same that it's always been." Raphael reminded him, frowning. "He might've… But that doesn't matter. Because Leonardo killed him afterwards, and he can do it again once we figure out how. Master Splinter taught us everything he knows, and there's four of us and only one Shredder! The only new information here is stuff you didn't know."
Raphael took a halting breath, to allow that thought to settle, then plowed on. "And yeah, kid, it's okay to be afraid. But guess what? You've got your dad, three brothers, four cousins, and a sister backing you up. You're going to be just fine." Raphael drew himself as high as he could, and gave the five of them his most confident smirk. "And this time, we are not going to any stinking farmhouse!"