TW: Panic Attacks
(:)
"Look at how good of a leader he is!" Master Splinter crowed, staring down at the older turtles from the top floor of the atrium. Even though Leon couldn't hear what was being said, Leonardo carried a maturity about him that made it clear he was the one in charge.
From such a height, Leon wondered how well Splinter could actually see the turtles below, or if he was being metaphorical. From how Splinter was squinting, Leon assumed the latter.
"Did you see how he commanded respect?" Splinter wanted to know, puffing up with excitement. "His brothers listen so readily! I guess my decision was good, wasn't it, Blue?"
Leon leveled a glare he knew Splinter could see easily. Despite not facing his son, the elderly rat deflated.
"So, making that one wasn't directly my decision, but it was 'my' choice, in a sense! And you will get there! You'll grow, my son, and become a great leader, just like-!"
"Pops." Leon interrupted, jerking his head away so Splinter couldn't see his expression anymore. He couldn't let his father see how hopeful that made him. He really did want to be like Leonardo, he did, so very much, but he had… He had to hear his father's thoughts. He had to know. "He's hiding stuff from his team."
"Oh, yes! Just like a certain young, blue turtle hid from his family that he was being possessed by the Shredder?" Splinter snarked right back, tail smacking Leon's leg. "How unheard of!"
"That's different." Leon flushed, kicking the ground. "For one, it's-!"
"Much, much worse than whatever Navy and Orange are hiding?" Master Splinter finished, arching a brow at Leon's embarrassed face. "Yes, I agree!"
"Oh my gosh, Papa!" Leon whined, burying his face in his hands as his guilt grew. "I really can't tell you anything, can I?"
The air got quiet immediately.
Too quiet.
After a long pause, Leon risked a peek from between his fingers to see what was happening. Master Splinter stared straight ahead, brows furrowed, a sadness in his eyes that made him seem twice as old. His mouth moved with unspoken words, and he refused to look at Leon.
At that moment, Leon wished he could wash his mouth out with soap. "Aw, Papa, I didn't mean it like that! It was just a joke! An… an… ultimatum or something? Like it's bigger than it actually is. I dunno, I don't have my Dee-ctionary with me, heh… But! Anyway, I'm not trying to… I just-!"
"Is this why you didn't even tell your brothers?" Splinter inquired, voice low. "I know I was not the best father. I neglected you boys more times than I can count. More times than there are Lou Jitsu movies. I know, because I watched them all many, many times over those days." His chuckle sounded dry. Humorless.
Leon's heart felt the same way. His brothers and him only started watching Lou Jitsu movies to feel close to their absent father. It barely worked. Father time was television time. They didn't look at one another. Only the screen.
"Regardless." Splinter continued, looking more guilty and upset than he had a moment ago. "I like to think if I did one thing right in all my years as a father, it was saving all four of you. You always had each other. You always were there and loved each other when I didn't. And I… am worried, my son. I thought you trusted them. I've tried harder than ever before this last year, but I understand why you still didn't want to talk to me… but why do you not want to talk to your brothers?"
"Papa, I know you're trying," Leon reassured, falling to a crouch to grasp Splinter's shoulders. "And that's awesome, and I love you so much for that! Really! And I…. I trust you, I promise. But I thought… assumed… that it was some leadership stuff. Like every leader had to face this version of Shredder. And Raph was getting sick of it, so it had to go to me, because Mikey's the best of us all and Donnie's horrible at fighting, plus the whole soft-shell thing, so I…"
"Leonardo." Splinter hands clutched Leon's wrists, keeping his son in place, staring with horror as his second youngest. This was his son, his baby, his fire, his passion, and for a long time, his copy, his junior, his little Leo Jitsu. The one who convinced him to save them all from Draxum thirteen years ago, and… "Did you believe I sent you there to die?"
Leon's face crumpled. He didn't want to say anything, but to remain silent was so much worse. "Yeah, I… guess I did." At Splinter's rapidly whining eyes, Leon rasped out a laugh. "Heh… ha, ooh, boy, that isn't better, I guess?"
"You thought…" Splinter repeated softly, "I wanted you to die." His brows creased, calculating, thinking, and then realization sprung into his eyes. "And you… you knew I loved you, and you trusted me, and you decided to just… let it happen?! And talk to no-one?!"
"Well…" Leon struggled to find the words, not even trying to encourage his face to be bright and cheerful anymore, expression pinching with concentration. "Yeah. Because, no matter how much you love me, Dad, you'll always love my brothers more. And I get that! I love them more, too! But I'm great at putting people in danger, y'know? I got Gram-Gram killed, ask anyone! So… Maybe it would've been better if I just-! …papa?"
Splinter, with tears trickling down his cheeks, cradled Leon's face with his hands. "Leonardo, my son, my son… How could you ever think that? How did I… How did nobody ever see this? I am so, so sorry, my son, I never… oh, my baby blue, why would I ever want to pick your brothers over you? How could I ever choose favorites?"
Leon swallowed thickly, leaning against Splinter. "I… I dunno. You just… choose the ones that aren't loud, that aren't so needy, the pretty ones, the smart ones, the ones not so desperate for attention that they can't shut up for one minute until all you wanna do is drop them off a stupid building, or force them into a dumb coma so you can finally hear yourself think-!"
"Leonardo!" Master Splinter cried, holding Leon tighter, thumbs busy whisking away tears, pure panic bleeding into his eyes, so much weight in his golden irises, a desperation to let his son see his love. But Leon looked into those eyes, eyes he knew loved him, and all he saw in the reflection was a sniveling brat, and nobody close to the turtle far below, leading his brothers.
"My son…" Splinter wept, pressing their foreheads together. "Never think those things! Never believe you are not equal to your brothers, never believe I want you to do such horrific things to yourself! You are a kind, spirited, brave, talented young man! You are loved, you are everything to me. You were never the perfect son, but I was never the perfect father. I never expected you to be perfect! You are unique in your faults, and that is lovely. I do not believe a perfect son exists anywhere. And I love you for who you are." Splinter stroked his fingers over Leon's cheek and issued a light sob.
Leon laughed, then, full of strained heartbreak that had been concealed up until this point, pulling his head from between Splinter's palms and nestling it into his shoulder, fingers clawing against his father's robes, digging into his back.
–
The breathy huff had been one of Leon's real laughs. They were rare and far between; one of the ways he and Donnie were similar. Their laughs were usually reduced to sarcastic chuckles or laughs so loud and hearty that they couldn't be anything but faked.
And now, of all times, it felt so wrong to hear, but Splinter was so thankful to hear it at all. It sounded awkward, and a little confused, and nothing like what Splinter was used to, but it was Leon's, and Splinter loved his son. Completely, totally, and nothing could change that.
It was worth it to tell him. It was always worth it, but Splinter still didn't tell him nearly enough.
"My son," Splinter dictated, leaning his cheek against Leon's head, closing his eyes gently and running his nails along the ridge right above Leon's neck but below his mask tail. He remembered how much Leon used to love that exact spot when he was a toddler, running over to his father almost every day to ask him to scratch the spot.
Long ago, he had come to Splinter for, well, everything. When he couldn't sleep, or when he needed a hug, or wanted to simply hang out, he used to join Splinter wherever he was.
And then he had just… quit.
Splinter wondered if that was because he stopped being as present, or if Leon had simply grown out of it. From the way Leon still leaned into the touch, Splinter feared the former.
"You are always loved." Splinter whispered to Leon, starting to rock back and forth in a calming motion, nuzzling his son, and hoping, praying, that the truth of the matter stuck. "Never listen to that voice inside your head that tells you you're not, Leonardo. I love you, as do your ancestors, as do your brothers, and we want you here. Please, remember that."
Leon whimpered against him, curling up as small as he could, making every conceivable effort to melt into his father's embrace, straining, pulling, dragging, wanting his father here, wanting him close, missing him, loving him, wanting him-!
Splinter found himself wishing that his son was small enough to drag close, to tuck into the folds of his robe and hold him there, pressed against his fur and absorbing his warmth. Small, fragile, but his baby. His own, his child.
Distantly, Splinter wondered when he had stopped wishing he was bigger and started wishing his sons were smaller.
Up until a few months ago, he had still missed being Lou Jitsu, having the height, the build, the strength… but now. He had always loved his sons, always wanted to protect them from the dangers of the world, but not in the way his grandfather had.
But now… He was coming to realize that he no longer wanted his past fame. All he wanted was his sons.
(:)
Leon cried for longer than he thought possible, until he thought he had run out of tears five times over. He hadn't even realized he could carry that many tears, and when he pulled away, Splinter said the exact same thing. His tone was light, though, and there was no ridicule in it, only fond exasperation, and Leon felt the last remnants of self-loathing lift.
He didn't know for how long he'd be free from it, because he knew it wasn't permanent. He'd be right back to hating himself and thinking his family was lying when they declared their love for him in no time, but for now? Leon was okay.
Splinter allowed him the time he needed to rub his eyes clean of the residue redness. His father even double-checked him to make sure there were no signs that Leon had ever been crying. Normally, Leon knew, his father would reassure him that there really was no shame in crying in front of his brothers.
But downstairs, it wasn't just his brothers.
Leon felt like Splinter also wanted to make a good impression and act in charge in front of them. They had all seen the intense respect the older turtles seemed to hold for Splinter, and it felt appropriate that Splinter acted deserving of it. Leon supposed they were alike in that regard; both were eager to please and live up to the expectations set before them.
They checked each other over once more before they headed down to the rest of the group, ensuring they both looked presentable and not at all like they had just shared one of the most emotional and exhausting experiences of Leon's life.
They departed together, going down the ramp to join their guests and Leon's brothers, walking in silent but comfortable companionship.
By the time they rejoined the group, Mikey and Leonardo were nowhere to be found. Which seemed to be a problem, especially considering how Raph was desperately trying to pin Donnie under his arm as he balanced on one foot, his other heel shoved into Raphael's face. Raphael himself was pinned under Donatello's body weight, and Donatello kept almost slipping off of Raphael as the older turtle wiggled. Raph couldn't keep his full attention on warding off Raphael, too busy slapping away the machine gun turrets as they appeared off of Donnie's back.
Leon and Splinter exchanged a look, and then stepped forward to handle the situation. Donatello looked like he was struggling the most with holding Raphael back, so Leon joined Donatello in grabbing the small red turtle and heaving him backwards. Leon almost crushed himself in the process, barely managing to scoot out of the way, and Raphael snarled in rage as Donatello very firmly sat down his plastron.
Donatellos snapped out his staff, slamming the blade into the ground next to Raphael's head, and his older brother's struggles died down slightly. Leon sharply reminded himself not to get on Donatello's bad side.
"What is going on?" Master Splinter demanded, summoning his parental authority as he tucked his hands behind his back, narrowing his eyes into tiny, frustrated slits. "Why are you two fighting?!"
"He copied me!" Raphael and Donnie barked as one, raising whatever hand they could to point at each other in matching blazes of furry. Their simultaneous accusation against one another only seemed to increase their wrath as their struggles began anew again.
"He did not copy you!" Donatello growled, swaying dangerously on Raphael as he buckled, keeping a tight grip on his staff. "You wouldn't know hypocrisy if it hit you! In the face!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
Raphael freed one hand from his tangle of limbs to slap Donatello, who dropped his staff out of surprise. Somewhere distant behind them, even Donnie stopped moving to stare, blinking at Raphael with comically large eyes. Leon deduced this was as good a time as any to slowly back away.
"What was that for?!" Donatello snapped a few seconds later, tossing his hands into the air.
"Just thought you should know that it's hard to miss being slapped." Raphael snorted, sounding tired and sick of the whole situation. "Are you going to get off me now?"
"You've gotten out of tighter- ow!" With a quick shove, Raphael sent Donatello careening off of him.
Donatello rolled halfway across the atrium floor before he managed to get his footing again, jerking to his feet and lunging towards his staff as Raphael did a flip upwards. He snagged his staff swinging around it neatly as he jerked it out of the ground, barely able to bring it up into a defensive position before Raphael was upon him.
Leon balked at them as they surged past, Donatello barely managing to evade his smaller brother slashes, alternating between using the sais clenched in his hands or his fists, but no matter the jab, Donatello dodged them easily.
Leon wasn't quite sure how to feel about it, because despite the vicious movements both turtles were making, there was a disconnection around them. It made their fight seem less real, like they weren't truly trying.
Leon wasn't quite sure what to make of that.
He turned to his father, pivoting on his heel and gesturing desperately to Raphael and Donatello. "Papa, you've gotta-!" He trailed off as Splinter half turned away, hiding his mouth while clearly trying not to laugh. "Pa!"
"I am sorry!" Splinter wheezed from between his cupped hands, laughing breezily. "They fight like they are still just little tots!"
"You're not helping!" Leon huffed with the appropriate amount of teasing lacing his words, unable to deny that Splinter's mirth over the situation was right. There was nothing about the way Donatello and Raphael were behaving that actually brought about a sense of urgency. They were clearly used to fighting, but not in a typical things-are-going-wrong sense.
Donatello used the long end of his staff as a barrier between him and Raphael, having retracted his blade. Raphael's sais were stuck wrapped around the staff, one of his hands looped around the top and the other around the bottom, tugging fruitlessly against them. Donatello snapped his staff upwards sharply, smacking Raphael below his chin and sending him recoiling.
Raphael's returned smile was short and choppy, but while it looked threatening, it carried a kind of manic enjoyment Leon had only ever seen in his own face when he accidentally caught his own eye in a passing window.
Now that Leon was thinking about it and actually watching it, he remembered how Leonardo had mentioned something about this. When he and his brothers discussed something, Leonardo had said, sparring helped them get the words out easier.
Looking at it now, Leon could tell that it went deeper than just talking. The stress and frustration seemed to leave their shoulders as they sprung around each other. Each blow was delivered hard enough to sting, but was lessened so that it didn't hurt. They tussled with practiced familiarity, and Leon honestly couldn't see adversaries as he watched them spar. He only saw teammates and brothers.
A quick peek at his own brothers revealed that they saw nothing of the sort. Raph held I'm Donnie tightly under one arm like a football, his hand curled over Donnie's snout in a failed attempt to muffle his bloodthirsty cries for Donatello to end Raphael. Raph's face was morphed with signs of a clear internal struggle as he looked between the dueling turtles and Donnie, contemplating whether it was worth it to drop Donnie to break up the fight.
Leon heaved out a quiet sigh, lifting a hand up to wave down his oldest brother. "Hey, Raph! Big guy, right over here!"
Raph's eyes lit up as he met Leon's gaze, and he scampered over. His sudden change in movement made Donnie jolt in surprise.
"Okay, perfect!" Raph beamed as he joined them, practically shoving Donnie into their arms. "You hold him down, and I'll-!"
"Yeah, no." Leon scoffed, shoving Donnie right back at Raph. Donnie looked quite offended at being treated like a hot potato, but Leon just continued on, ignoring his twin. "Raph, they aren't going to hurt each other. Just look at them! Do they look angry?" Leon rolled his eyes at Raph's confused expression, gesturing at Donatello and Raphael as they rolled past. "See?! They're just, y'know, what's the word…?"
"Playing." Splinter finished, a bright grin spreading across his face. "They are only playing."
"On the contrary, Papa." Donnie snorted, struggling against Raph's side hug/imprisonment, trying to lift the larger turtle's arm but ultimately failing. He settled for a deep scowl and leaned as far away from Raph as he could. He didn't get away more than an inch or two. "That is clearly a bloodbath! Noun, an event where slaughter o-!"
"Don't break Raph." Leon huffed, giving Donnie a hearty shove he couldn't escape. "But, seriously, Pops is right! They're just rough housing!"
"It is how they show affection." Splinter agreed, waving his hands in a picture-this motion. "And how they have fun. It can lead to actual violence if they get too aggressive, but most things do! You four used to play-fight with each other, too!"
"Yeah." Raph said softly, glancing down at Donnie's shell. He wasn't thinking of the battle shell, Leon realized, but of the soft interior it protected. "I guess we did. But… not anymore."
Master Splinter stared at Raph, following his oldest son's gaze down to Donnie. His eyes widened in realization as Raph's hand adjusted so it more firmly covered Donnie's battle shell, hiding it from view. Splinter glanced at Leon, eyes full with a grief that Leon had only seen a few times on his face.
One of those times had been when they were small, and Raph couldn't have been more than eight. Raph had accidentally stepped on Donnie, shifting his whole weight on Donnie in just the right way that it had made Donnie's shell crack. The next month was full of Donnie being bundled into the spare room that would later become their med bay, practically being glued back together.
Leon had barely managed to catch a glimpse of Donnie during that time, and the occasional times he did, Splinter had always been holding him tightly. The rat had stared down at Donnie with that same heartbroken expression that he wore now.
Leon knew without a doubt that his father and two older brothers were all thinking of that event. And Leon realized why Raph was so scared of Raphael and Donatello sparring. The crack of the shell was louder in Raph's mind than Leon's, and Leon could still remember the scream that had thrust its way from Donnie's throat.
That had been the end of their rough-housing with Donnie, and pretty much the last time Raph had wrestled with them, too, terrified that he would also hurt Leo and Mikey. It had also been the start of the battle-shell.
In the months following, Donnie had taken his weakness and turned it into a drive to do better. He had started crafting his battle shell, one that had taken years to get to the level of perfection that it was currently at. Donnie still claimed it wasn't done.
Regardless, he had made something strong and powerful, a mix between man and machine, and he had fermented his place on the team.
They would've loved him regardless, battle shell or not. Leon hoped Donnie knew that.
Donnie was too much like Leon, sometimes. Didn't know how much he was worth. But while Donnie seemed to grow out of it, Leon just got worse.
But his father was here, now. All his brothers were, and they didn't want him to die. They were fighting for him, and trying to protect him. Even before they had learned that Leon was haunted, they had tried to help. They had pulled him to the side, and tried to get him to open up. And Leon had just… brushed them off.
His brothers were good brothers. Wonderful brothers, as a matter of a fact.
And, yes, it was tough right now. It was a rough patch in their lives. With the change of leadership and Shredder… Things felt way too tense. Leon hated to think it, but their counterparts weren't exactly helping in that regard. Seeing them interact differently than Leon and his brothers did was difficult.
It didn't change how amazing his own brothers were at all. Different people led to different dynamics, but that didn't mean one group was doing this brother-thing wrong. Their interactions were unique to the individuals, and something about that was beautiful.
It's not fair to compare them, but, shell, it was easier.
"Hey dudes!"
Leon's head snapped around at Michelagelo's voice, blinking at the shorter turtles in surprise as he neared, holding a cookie platter laden with tea mugs and one of the pitchers of water, three small boxes of assorted tea packets stacked and shoved into the corner. Leon wasn't even sure where he got the other two packets; Leon had only found Splinter's green tea after the wreckage.
Ever since their Shredder was defeated, it had been what Leon was practically living on, despite how much he hated the bitter taste, and he wasn't expecting to see more variety for another month or so. Once they finished repairing everything and replacing their stuff, Leon could go on a quest to buy his own things. His possessions were less important, after…
No, he wasn't doing that again. Master Splinter had just said. He had just said.
They were equal.
They. Were. Equal.
"Hey, uh, what's going on here?" Michelangelo blinked, kneeling down to set the tea tray down off to the side, his eyes circling from turtle to turtle, hovering over Donatello and Raphael the longest before settling on Leon. "Uh, you're kinda clinging onto your arms really hard, little guy. Are you…?"
Leon dropped his hands from where they had subconsciously started gripping his forearms, his fingers leaving small white impression marks behind. "Yeah, fine. Where'd you get the tea?"
"Leo! He thought of everything! Anything he thought might be important or we'd want, he brought. Still surprised he brought along his dumb leg brace." The last sentence was said as a hushed grumble, but it made Leon stand up a bit straighter anyway, stepping out of Raph's range as his big brother leaned over to observe his arms.
"But it's cool, now we're prepared!" Michelangelo unshackled the boxes of tea and lined them up neatly on the floor, beaming down at them. His gaze drifted back up to them, eyes full of bubbling optimism up until he looked back at Donatello and Raphael. His smile slipped, fading away until it was a pout. "Aw, man, those guys sure are going at it! Not even a 'Hi, Mikey'!"
"Hi, Mikey!" Raphael and Donatello chorused at his shout, not looking up from their fight as they yanked on each other's mask tails while trying to shove their face around, spinning in a circle and stepping on each other's toes as they whirled.
"Hey, dudes!" Michelangelo piped right back, brightening up at being addressed, before turning to Donnie and Raph. "Do you guys want anything? We've got a whole bunch of tea! Green, chamomile, and some butterscotch! I think there's some packets of pumpkin-caramel mixed in here, somewhere!"
"I'll just take a mug." Donnie grunted, released at last from Raph's grip as he made his way over, gratefully accepting the mug of near-boiling water Mikey handed him. "Nothing beats all nat-chore-al."
"You're weirder than my Donnie is on St. Patrick's Day." Michelangelo grumbled, watching him sip with an arched brow. He shook his head after a moment, turning back to the mugs. "Anyone else want to try this yummy-yummy tea? That's not hot water?"
"Heathen." Donnie grumbled into his mug.
"I'll take green tea, please." Splinter requested, hovering over Leon's shoulder. As Michelangelo pulled out the packet, Splinter perked up, holding up his hands. "Don't give Blue - my Blue - any! I believe I have tea bags saved in my room, I will go fetch them!"
"Daww, depriving me from my tea, how sweet." Leon sarcastically grumbled as Splinter darted off, Raph taking the rat's place behind Leon. "Oh, hey, buddy, what do you want?"
"You said you had butterscotch?" Raph asked, leaning curiously over Leon's shoulder, pulling his younger brother back a little bit to allow himself a better view. "Can I have some of that, please?"
"Yeah! Y'know, my Raph also likes butterscotch!" Michelangelo chirped, ripping open its sealing and plopping the bag into the mug. "It's one of those things you pick up on while being an awesome brother, and he doesn't even drink tea! I'm just that cool." Michelangelo's eyes flickered over to Donnie, and a teasing pout crossed his face. "But Dee likes his tea with the, y'know, leaves part. Instead of just the water."
"Oh no." Donnie deadpanned, sipping at his water with an overly sarcastic roll of his eyes. "I'm feeling attacked."
"Well, that's good, 'cause I'm attacking!" Michelangelo stuck his tongue out and waved his arms in front of him like a mummy, moving fast enough that it startled Leon into a flinch backwards. To Leon's absolute delight, Michelangelo leaned over the tray to smack playfully at his face, and Leon shoved him back, merrily warding off Michelangelo's jovial attacks.
He was so grateful that Michelangelo was treating them - especially Donnie - like normal. Admittedly, when he had walked in and seen Raphael and Donnie in the middle of an argument, he had been expecting the worst. Figured Donnie had exploded, or said something wrong, or really anything.
But they were okay.
They were all okay.
Michelangelo stopped attacking Leon to give Raph's tea a final stir and passing it over to the large turtle. Michelangelo kneaded his hands over his knees, eyes alight with delight as he looked from brother to brother.
His rotating gaze fell on Donatello and Raphael again, the two turtles settling for trying to pin each other against the ground.
"Oh yeah, speaking of attacking, and brains," Michelangelo continued, even though Leon couldn't remember when they had brought up brains in the last conversation. Maybe he had barked it out between his delighted giggles. "What happened with my Donnie and Raph? Why're they sparring?"
"Well my Donnie and your tiny Raphael did… something?" Leon shrugged, still not clear on the details.
"He copied me." Donnie grumbled.
"For the last time, Donnie!" Raph grumbled, pinching in between his eyes. "Neither one of you copied the other, it was just a 'talking at the same time' sort've situation!"
"Yeah, well, then why did-?!"
"Hey!" Michelangelo merrily chirped, effortlessly cutting through the tense atmosphere. His tone remained neutral enough that Leon wouldn't have known if he was interrupting on purpose or not if his eyes hadn't also flashed dangerously. "Where are Leo and mini-me? This tea isn't getting any warmer!"
"Mikey dragged him off somewhere." Raph said, sending Donnie a sharp look. "They're not back yet."
"Mini-Mikey ditched me." Michelangelo pouted, tearing open a pumpkin tea packet and dunking the back into his mug. "Why does he want to talk to Leo, anyway?"
"Probably something to do with the whole healing hands situation? They mentioned it earlier." Leon suggested, earning nods from his brothers and a confused tilt of the head from Michelangelo. "Hey, don't ask me, they stopped talking about it pretty quick, and then I left right after."
"Yeah," Raph agreed, sipping at his tea. "I wonder what was such a big deal. Why's it a secret? Does it hurt people?"
"No way! Leo's not like that." Michelangelo reassured immediately, recoiling at the thought of it. "If he thinks it's dangerous he'd never try to teach me! He only does that when he knows I'd be safe, no matter what!" Michelangelo's mouth clamped shut, and he turned a frustrated expression back down to his tea, twitching hands extending to snatch up his mug. "Leo's like, the coolest person ever. He's good at taking care of us."
"Oh, like Raph." Donnie deadpanned, nudging the top of Raph's head with his elbow. Raph laughed jovially, tilting his head up to grin at Donnie. "I suppose it's an 'oldest brother' thing."
Michelangelo's gaze flitted over to Leon, a question in his eyes, but he didn't say much else. He looked like he wanted to say more, and Leon wanted to pry, and yet. Leon thought he knew what it was anyway.
Behind them, Donnie and Raph started a new conversation, but Leon couldn't find it in him to eavesdrop. There were more pressing matters to worry over.
Like why his chest had suddenly developed the irrational and random urge to be itchy.
There wasn't any rhyme or reason over it, though it felt like the beginnings of some kind of panic attack. There was a strange pull over his chest, like his skin was on too tight, that confused him. His plastron was hard as a rock, and not particularly flexible, so immobility across his ribcage wasn't supposed to be anything new or surprising.
It just felt different, somehow.
What was wrong with him? He was overreacting over nothing, and he wasn't even behaving weirdly! He was just sitting here, accumulating sweat and listening to the stupid off-beat pounding of his head, nestling right beneath the skull.
Except, ultimately, it wasn't nothing.
Michelangelo may not have been looking at him, the older turtle's attention instead diverted to humming a merry tune while mixing in tea for his own brothers, but Leon could feel the weight of his stare. He couldn't explain it, but he knew. He knew. Michelangelo was watching him.
And he thought he knew why.
It had been a test, of sorts. Saying that Leonardo was looking out for them. He had been watching, waiting for a reaction. Michelangelo's eyes had met his, and he had asked, inaudibly, 'Are you like that, too?'
No.
He wasn't.
Not yet.
But one day… One day his brothers would look at him the way their counterparts looked at Leonardo. He didn't need to earn their love. He had that already, he knew that from Splinter, but he wanted them to look at him, and see a star. See their champion. It was a commendable goal.
Or maybe that goal would condemn him to a lifetime of reaching, pathetically reaching, trying to obtain what he can't have.
He'd find out which it was. It would either end in more of an accomplishment than he could hope to receive, or it would end worse than ge could imagine
"I'm back, boys!" Splinter's voice split through the atmosphere, finally drawing Michelangelo's attention away from the tea, and even from Leon.
The tightness in Leon's chest evaporated, and he found he could inhale properly - and when did he start having trouble breathing? - and it only left him confused. He used to love - a week ago, two weeks ago, maybe three, before Shredder, before Gram-Gram - being the center of attention. Having everyone watching him all the time? That was the dream.
And now… here he was, freaking out over Michelangelo not really looking at him, but watching all the same. Watching, to see what he would do, wondering if there was a thread between him and his brother, if there were any similarities.
There were. There were so many, and Leon was going to prove it. One day, he'd become enough like Leonardo that the similarities would be obvious, and not need to be searched for. They wouldn't pry into him with their sharp gaze, they would look and be amazed.
Maybe that's why Michelangelo's watchfulness felt different compared to anyone else. Leon just wasn't used to that type of attention. And he'd never have to, because he was going to change it.
That was a promise.
(:)
Splinter had brought a separate brand of tea from his room, claiming it had been buried far in the back. He had plopped one of the tea bags into Leon's mug and shoved it into his hands. He had the gall to laugh at Leon's furrowed, confused expression, and insisted he smell it.
It smelled like home. Which was ridiculous, because Leon knew it smelled completely different than the lair used to, before their own Shredder ravaged it. Before everything smelled of paint and sawdust, the powerful stench of construction in the air, it had the scent of oil, sweat, some concoction of food and… while it had smelled like paint, it had been in smaller quantities, and wasn't quite as overwhelming as it currently was. It had smelled like each of his brothers and their interests combined into one, and he had thought…
Well, the tea smelled like lemon.
Not at all what he thought home would smell like.
It felt appropriate nonetheless.
"When you were young," Splinter said, softly, with a hint of wistfulness in his voice, "and couldn't sleep, we would drink tea together. You always loved this blend."
"Is this lemon?" Leon guessed, waiting for Splinter's confirming nod before daring to take a sip.
Oh, wow, Splinter was right. It tasted like his childhood. Particularly, it tasted like quiet moments, snagged between restless days and sleepless nights. It warmed his chest like his father's hugs, like Raph's arms did when Splinter hadn't been there.
Leon still couldn't remember a single time he had actually drank lemon tea, but he knew exactly how it had made him feel.
And it made him feel happy.
Leonardo and Mikey arrived a few moments later. Leon took notice of Mikey first, despite Leonardo entering the room first. Mikey's steps were loud, and his whole being was bursting with energy that filled the entire room the second he put a foot into the atrium. Meanwhile, Leonardo seemed to melt away until he was no more noticeable than one of Mikey's artistic renditions on the sewer walls. No, he was even more inconspicuous than that. He was hardly anything more than a shadow.
It took an actual, conscious effort for Leon to focus on Leonardo. It was amazing to realize, but was equally a bit frightening. Ninja-ing at its finest, Leon supposed.
Leon maintained his attention on Leonardo, able to pinpoint the exact moment the older blue turtle noticed Raphael and Donatello. A fond smile worked his way onto his lips, and with a roll of his eyes, Leonardo reached over to snag both turtles by the collar of their carapaces, yanking them apart.
Raphael and Donatello barely blinked, raising matching hands in a small wave at Leonardo, both looking out of breath.
"I can't leave you alone for ten minutes." Leonardo admonished with a small huff, releasing them and taking a step back. "You should've saved that energy for Shredder."
"I have the energy to spare!" Donatello argued, crossing his arms stubbornly. "Raph, on the other hand…"
"Oh, stuff it up your shell." Raphael growled, narrowing his eyes right back. "Unless you want Jr to assign you more drills!"
"Oh, 'Jr?' You want to start that again, Hothead?" Leonardo huffed, mimicking Donatello's position and tilting his head.
"Maybe I do!" A manic grin slid onto Raphael's face, and he thrust his entire body into Leonardo's personal space so abruptly that Leon flinched. Leonardo only leaned slightly backwards and narrowed his eyes down at Raphael.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" Donatello interrupted, taking a step forward and stepping in between Leonardo and Raphael. "What did Leo just say?"
"Yeah, dudes!" Michelangelo sang, slinging an arm over each of his two oldest brother's shoulders. Leon hadn't even seen him get up, could they all vanish like that? "All's fair in love, war, and brotherhood! Kill each other tomorrow. Y'know, as long as you dudes aren't really fighting, right?" The last word was said with a tight squeeze against his brothers, jerking both of them slightly off their feet before he stepped back, hands on his hips.
"Oh, do you want a real fight?" Raphael challenged, reaching up threateningly with Leonardo, fingers wiggling teasingly in the air. "We can give you a real fight."
Michelangelo twisted his face up to watch their hovering hands. He took a step back, hands held out placidly, and laughed jovially. "…I'm gonna just skip ahead and cry uncle before this can even get started."
"A smart choice, Mikey." Raphael teased, dropping his arms and pulling Michelangelo into a side-hug, giving the crown of his head an affectionate noogie.
"Naw, it's a wise choice, my brother." Michelangelo scoffed, easily sliding out of Raphael's grip and spinning away, leaving Raphael suddenly fumbling through open air, shocked by Michelangelo's sudden exit.
Raphael pivoted on his heel, ready to pursue, but was interrupted by Leonardo's hand on his shoulder. He jerked, turning to face his older brother. Leon couldn't see his expression from his spot, but he imagined
"Raphael, hold on," Leonardo hummed, voice growing more quiet with each word. "I need to talk to you." The last
Leon strained to hear, but he couldn't quite hear what was being discussed, as Leonardo pulled Raphael in close and Donatello huddled over to join them. Michelangelo, meanwhile, dropped down next to Leon, confirmed that everyone had gotten their own cup of tea, and then scooped up the tray. He hurried back over to his brothers, circling around them so that they could see him, and held out the tray proudly towards them. They pulled him into their conversation, too, Donatello slinging an affectionate arm over his shoulder and Leonardo relieved the burden of the tray from Michelangelo.
Leon cast a curious look around his family, wondering if any of them could hear what was going on. Maybe it was a secret conversation, but they were still having it right there.
One of Splinter's ears flicked as far back as they could go, and it was clear he was trying to eavesdrop on their conversation while also engaging in a conversation with Mikey and Donnie. From his expression, he wasn't able to pick up on anything, and if Splinter couldn't hear…
Leon sighed, giving up. He returned his attention back to his mug, swirling it carefully. While it had cooled quite a bit from a boil, steam billowed out of the mug, and Leon inhaled it, letting the scent of lemon fill his nostrils. His shoulders slackened, and he raised the cup to take a long drink, humming out a relaxed sigh as the warmth coursed through him.
He jolted as Raph's arms circled around Leon, drawing him in close, his breath ruffling Leon's mask tails. Leon clutched Raph's arm with one hand, the other precariously holding the tea cup out of the way of the embrace. He didn't know how he felt. Group hugs were great, but Raph hadn't… it didn't feel right when it was just them two.
Not after their… argument? Discussion? Whatever it was that they had when Leon got done training. It had still been stiff between them, but with the coming of Splinter, and second leaving of their counterparts, and the sudden desperate urge to spend every second they could with their father…
Well, Leon figured their previous animosity had slipped through the cracks.
Raph loves me. Leon reminded himself, forcing himself to relax into Raph's embrace, slowly lowering the mug back into his lap. They all do. It's okay, they don't hold this against you. It's okay.
Leon huffed out a deep, soothing breath, letting his head nuzzle against Raph's plastron. He dismissed all his nervous thoughts from his mind, focusing on the warmth and comfort Raph brought.
He wasn't exactly sure when his relaxation stopped being forced and started being automatic, but eventually Raph had to pull the mug out of Leon's hands before he dropped or spilled it. Leon whined as it was removed, but didn't care enough to ask for it back.
Hovering on the edge of unconsciousness, Leon felt his eyes flicker, grateful for this brother's arms and Splinter's tea. They brought a tingly feeling that gently pulled him under, soothing and persistent.
As he dozed off, he heard Raph summon the other turtles, and he felt them gather around, but he was comfortable enough that he didn't bother to acknowledge them.
Leon almost forgot what was waiting for him on the other side.
Almost.
(:)
Leon blinked his eyes open, his mind clearing up as he came to, surrounded by all ends with the monotone grey mindscape. He really wished he could say that it never got old, but, no, the grey had been old for a long time. And this wouldn't even be the last time he'd see it.
He didn't, however, remember the air being quite so cold. Yayyy, something new…!
His hands reached up for his swords out of instinct, bringing them down into a sharp arc next to his sides, his shoulders drooping. He had a few minutes until Leonardo showed up to help, and a bit longer until Shredder got in place. He had to figure out a way to get rid of his swords when Shredder inevitably showed up.
Maybe Leon could figure out a way to shatter them, or trade them with Leonardo. He wasn't sure if the latter option would be more of a hindrance or a boon to his counterpart.
Leon felt the air change, and he looked up, a smile already on his face to greet Leonardo as he appeared. His grin fell almost instantly as he instead spotted Shredder, halfway to the horizon.
Oh.
"Oh." Leon said aloud. "I wasn't expecting him to show up so fast, huh?" He twisted his head around towards Leonardo. Except.
Except nobody was there.
Wait. No, wait.
Was the shift just Shredder appearing? But he wasn't supposed to… Not so fast… He had never appeared so instantaneously before, and nowadays Leon was supposed to have someone with him before Shredder reached him.
But here he was. Alone. Again.
Shredder pinned him down like a cat over its prey, claws digging into his skull. Blood spluttered from between the beast's fingertips, and Leon felt it splatter across the back of his head, and Shredder snarled a threat into his ear that he couldn't understand, he couldn't hear what was going on how could he escape, help him help him help him help—
No.
No, no, he couldn't afford to lose his cool, he couldn't let his fear overtake him. He had to take stock of the situation, and he'd be okay. He just had to wait for Leonardo to show up. He had held his own against Shredder for three nights, what was two minutes?
Leon turned his attention back to Shredder, knuckles clenching around his swords, and he lowered himself into a defensive stance Leonardo had shown him only a few hours ago. His arms trembled, but he forced himself to take a deep, cautious breath. He was alright.
Only a few more minutes.
Shredder's spikes came into sharp focus as he caught sight of Leon, jolting forward several quick, threatening steps. The roar that broke from his metal entrapped jaw was filled with such anger that Leon felt himself flinching backwards, despite his defensive position only a second before.
Shredder's feet hammered against the ground as he stomped towards Leon, sending vibrations along the invisible flooring that made the blue turtle's heart plummet. The beast's sharp claws flexed, tiny little ringing noise echoing through the air whenever metal hit metal as Shredder curled in his fists.
Leon's heart pounded, the weight of it bringing along a sharp headache that pulsed so loudly that Leon felt himself getting overwhelmed, losing all sensible thought.
He had to get rid of his swords before Shredder teleported, he needed every bit of the upper hand as he could. Leon tossed one katana as hard as he could towards Shredder, praying that it would hit him and distract him, and dropped the second blade at his feet.
Leon turned to the side and burst into a spirit, his gait out of sync with Shredder's echoing footsteps behind, but he couldn't tell if he was faster or slower. He had as much of a head start as he was going to, and for now, it was only evasion.
Hurry up, Leonardo…
Leon heard the fizzle of Shredder teleporting to where his second sword lay, but Leon paid it no mind, narrowing his eyes to the area in front of him. His heart thumped away in his chest, adding onto his panic.
He kept his pace steady, fear that he would use up all his energy in his prevarication and have none left when the time came to fight. He could tell exactly where Shredder was by his footsteps, and if he got too close, Leon could dodge. For now, he just needed to focus on keeping his path as unpredictable as possible. Without his katanas strapped to his back to grant Shredder an extra leg up when pursuing him, Leon felt more confident in his ability to avoid the demon.
That didn't stop the roar that echoed through the grey void from startling Leon into a jolt.
He half-spun, barely registering the sharp whistle approaching, shrill and familiar. His eyes locked onto Shredder as his own katana blazed where his head had been a second before, barely missing cutting into his flesh. If he hadn't turned… He would have already been dead.
Leon gasped, watching it spin a few feet further on. He saw a flash of blue out of his peripheral, and he twisted his head back around towards Shredder, barely able to look in time to see Shredder vanish.
Leon ducked, rising his shell over the rest of his body and tugging his arms desperately over his head, half sucking in his legs into his shell. Shredder's claws raked through the air above him. The demon bellowed at the missed shot, regaining his footing and redirecting his claws down on Leon.
Leon focused, mind locking onto his second katana, Shredder abandoning it where Leon had dropped it. He felt Shredder's claws clip his back, and then he was right back where the sword had been, briefly out of Shredder's reach.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Leon berated himself, thumping the fist not curled around his sword against the top of his head. Of course Shredder could use them in the same way Leon could! He could already teleport to them, why couldn't he toss them around?
Leon pulled himself over to the side, rolling across the ground and clinging his blade to his chest. He scrambled to his feet, half-debated throwing it, but he couldn't run the risk of Shredder getting both swords and gaining the ability to portal anywhere, too. Instead, Leon would have to shatter his katanas to prevent Shredder from using them, but he would–!
Shredder slammed into Leon, knocking him right back against the ground. Shredder's fists slammed down on either side of Leon, the beast snarling down at him. "Pathetic. Did you really come here alone? You're a fool! No wonder you haven't learned to-!"
Leon slashed the sword in hand as sharply as he could against Shredder's heart, hissing out a soft whimper as it shattered. The pieces rained down around Leon, phasing harmlessly through his body. The shards bounced off of Shredder, and Leon could feel a tingle from where they scraped against Shredder's skin. They hurt, but no blood was drawn.
Leon gagged against the hand that Shredder shoved against his neck, his back arching from the force of it. His eyes trailed over to the sword still held firmly in Shredder's cruel, unyielding hands. Shredder's jaw clenched into what could be a smile at the switch of attention, flicking the sword into an offensive position. His eyes slithered into tight pinpricks of ice, raising the katana threateningly.
Leon gasped, mind snapping with the realization that he had put himself into a position he couldn't escape.
He only had one advantage out, and he wasn't supposed to use it unless…
Well, unless Shredder caught him.
Leon reached for the back of his hand, wheezing out a tiny apology in the back of his mind to their counterparts for already needing to use their easy out. Even though his hand was mostly blocked from Shredder's view by the demon's arm, the beast's eyes still widened as Leon's fingers curled around his skin.
"No!" Shredder snarled, shifting backwards to grab Leon's hand and drag it away, but it was too late, Leon was already–!
(:)
Leon snapped awake, a short cry breaking forth from his lungs as he stumbled forward out of Raph's grip. Both Raphs and Mikes startled awake as well, confused hisses breaking free of their mouths. Leonardo lifted his head blearily, both hands reaching up to cup his head, staring at Leon in confusion.
"Sorry, sorry!" Leon whined, trying to swallow down the heartbeat thumping down in his chest, making an effort to keep the fear out of his voice. From the slightly panicked look Raph and Splinter sent him, Leon didn't too well. But he had already broken down far too many times in front of his brothers and his counterparts lately. He couldn't keep doing that; he had to be calm. "Are you guys alright?"
"Yeah." Leonardo hissed, turning to look at him. "Getting jerked out of meditation isn't fun. It's like being thrown backwards, and it can… What happened in there?!"
"He was right there!" Leon gestured, pointing towards the far wall. "Like! Right there! He appeared too fast, too close, and I was able to get away, but… I dropped my swords. Y'know, so he couldn't get to me? And it just… he just threw them! Y'know, like I do!" Deep breaths, Leo.
"Of course he threw it!" Donnie tossed his hands in the air, glowering down at Leon. "Why wouldn't he? He's seen you do it, hasn't he?"
"Shut up, Donnie!" Leon seethed, dipping his head and clenching it between his hands, fingers digging into his temples. "I didn't think, I panicked, I just panicked, why was he so close?"
"Leo," Raph chimed from behind Leon, reaching out to touch his shoulders. Leon flinched, and he withdrew his hands for a few seconds before extending them again. Leon handled the second touch a bit better, so Raph settled for a gentle massage. "Deep breaths, okay?"
Leon nodded, still staring at the ground as he choked out a breath, clamping his jaw shut.
He saw Splinter's feet approach, his father resting gentle fingers on top of his own hands, his thumb rubbing out gentle circles. One of their counterpart's feet marched by, the white wrappings catching Leon's eye. He raised his head, glancing past Splinter to spot which one it was. He wasn't too particularly surprised to see it was Leonardo, and lowered his head again.
"I-I think… I think… he's getting closer and closer." Leon said slowly, refusing to meet anyone's eyes as he nibbled his lip. "The… the last time, earlier, I hadn't slept in… over a day. I mean, when I did, it was with that candle stuff, but that doesn't-! He wasn't there, he didn't appear."
Raph's fingers ground into Leon's shoulders a little harder, the soothing motion becoming more noticeable the tighter he held on.
Leon choked, blinking rapidly to ward off the tears. They could see he was battling with himself, but he refused to lose himself more. He refused to be weaker than their perceptions of him already claimed he was.
"I-I think the longer it takes me to… Or… When I don't sleep for a while… He appears farther. I… I hope, anyway, because… If he… I don't know if I…" Don't cry, don't cry. If he was wrong, and if he was stuck with this, an eternal loop of trying to escape Shredder as he got closer and faster until he ultimately… until he finally… just…
Until he broke…
He was barely handling it now.
How much worse could it get?
"So we need to delay him." Leonardo announced, seamlessly taking charge and drawing the attention away from Leon. "And get rid of Leon's swords. Any ideas?"
"The scroll this Splinter lended us has some meditation practices for this kind of thing. One of them might be able to get you in there quicker." Raphael suggested, voice low. "So at least Leon doesn't have to run nearly as much."
"Is there a way to just not bring your swords with you into there?" Donnie asked, coming from much closer to Leon then the latter thought he was, voice calm and collected. "Maybe we can dig into the family armory and get another pair of swords and trade them out. As long as you don't channel Ninpo, it should be alright."
"No." Leon whined, shaking his head. "I can… bring other stuff with me, but I can't… My swords come with me. No matter what."
"Don't be so stubborn." Donnie huffed, slumping into a crouch Leon could see out of the corner of his eye. "Ditch your Ninpo swords, and just bring plain steel."
"Little Dee, I don't think that's what he meant." Michelangelo corrected, sounding worried. "I think he meant he can't go in there without his swords. Like, at all, dude."
At Leon's nod, Donnie huffed out a sigh, leaning over to pat Leon's knee. "Ah. That… certainly changes some things."
"I can… shatter them against Shredder." Leon suggested, raising his head to stare at his brothers and all their counterparts, pulling his hands free from Splinter to illustrate the situation. "By, uh, dragging them over his chest, they'll break."
"I can't ask you to do that." Leonardo hissed fiercely, though his tone carried a sympathetic note. "We'll figure something else out."
Leon shook his head. "You aren't asking me." His heartbeat stopped thumping quiet as loudly in his chest, and the harsh throbbing behind his forehead was calming down into a gentle pulse. "It's all we got, but that's… That's not the immediate problem! He's going to be right on top of me, and I can't-!"
Splinter's hands extended to seize Leon's wrists, pulling them away from his face before he could hurt himself from the sudden bout of panic that seized him. "Stop, it's alright!"
"It's not going to be! We need to do this test tonight, or we won't do it at all! We need to get this over with, and I'm holding us back because I can't even get away from one guy!" Leon thumped his head against Raph's plastron again, staring blankly at the ceiling. "I survived for three days, why can't I do it a little longer?"
"It was a different situation." Splinter suggested, uncertain in his words, but hopeful that they held some value. "Shredder could not, or you did not know, that he could teleport. And now the fear of being hurt yourself is holding you back. That is something Shredder can exploit."
A weakness.
That Shredder was exploiting.
Leon was weak, and Shredder was using that to strengthen himself.
But turning the tables like that was something Leon was good at. He was used to taking over confidence, or fears, no matter how subtle or well-hidden, and turning it into a dagger for himself to wield. It had worked on Big Mama, and what made Shredder so different?
If he could take his own weakness, and turn it into strength…
If Leon could pull a Face Man against himself… Or maybe even against Shredder…
Oh.
"Dad, you're brilliant!" Leon gasped, slipping his hands around until he could grab Splinter right back, squeezing his fingers tightly. "I'm going to gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss my way out of this!"