Loki stared at the mossy ceiling, hands entwined under his head. The bambus mat wasn't the most comfortable thing, but he preferred that to the spongy beds of Asgard. It was much easier to let ones guard down if one was comfortable. Sounds of the nocturnal world had long since started, life never stopping in the forest. So different from the Sanctuary... Loki leaned forward, standing suddenly and heading for the mouth of the cave.
He had always had significantly better night vision than those he had grown up with. It must have been his Jötunn heritage. Jotunheim hardly got any sun, perhaps only a couple days per year. This lack of sun contributed to the cold climate, but also to the dim lighting. The blood red eyes saw a mix of heat and color. They saw heat, with a thin skin of what Asgardians would see over the heat. Like what Midgardians call 'cling wrap' over food. One sees the cling wrap, though they also see whatever is under it. Loki had learnt that in the Vault, before everything got out of hand.
Though there was still one thing he couldn't figure out about the Jötunn, or rather, himself. He had searched his core and mind for any traces of magic that he had not placed on himself, yet had found none. He had searched for any spell that he might have cast on himself at a young age without knowing, yet had found none. So if there was no spell that he was not aware of, why did he not appear as a Jötunn? Another thing that added to this puzzle was the fact that Odin had called him "his blood". Also, every race had a different kind of seidr, so why was it that he had been able to use Vanir seidr all his life? Which raised the question of who was his mother? It was the only solution. His mother would have had to have been Vanir. Which would also account for his size. Also, where was his mother now?
AllFathers he was a mess. That wasn't even taking into account the year he spent with the mad titan. Or what had occurred today. His seidr appeared healed, though he himself was not. Yet that couldn't be, because seidr is directly tied to ones emotions and AllFathers knew that his emotions were far from stable. It was as if he only had control of one rein of the chariot and some unknown force had the other rein. Which put him on edge, because one cannot serve two masters and he was not sure his seidr would choose him. Who would choose him, the half mad, 100% wreck when there was a much calmer force in control?
Then there was Thanos. He glanced up at the stars, the cold, constant, distant stars. The stars that had once been a source of comfort, yet were now a source of anything but. Now they were a reminder of the pain, humiliation, hatred, anger and fear. Especially fear. Thor had said that he'd been gone for a year. It had felt much longer than that. It had felt like an eternity of being trapped in his own mind with memories that were not his. It had felt like an eternity of unimaginable pain that had made him writhe and scream. It had felt like an eternity of hate, hate for Odin for lying and ignoring him. Hate for Thor for always being better and always winning. Hate for Thanos and his children for torturing him and turning his mind against him. Hate for himself for being so weak. It had felt like an eternity of humiliation, humiliation because he was so weak and small and pathetic. It had felt like an eternity of fear. Fear of Thanos winning. Fear of what Asgard would think if they learnt how weak he was. Fear of Thanos killing all he cared for. Fear that still clung to him, suffocating him every day.
Everything that had happened because Odin had deemed it necessary to save him. If the AllFather knew all the suffering that would come forth from that decision, would he still save him? Would he still save him for a life of pain and suffering? Would he still save him if he knew what a disgrace he would become? A disgrace because he was so weak. A disgrace because he attacked two realms, disrupting the peace, murdering who knows how many. Now that wasn't to say he hadn't had good reason for both. Jotunheim was a race of monsters, monsters deserved to die or be locked up. Yet, what made them monsters? What did they do that was worse than what Asgard did? They tried to invade and take over a realm. Why? What did Laufey want? Power was the obvious answer, but he felt that there was more to it.
Two years ago, his motives were clear. He wanted revenge. Revenge on the AllFather for beating him in the war and perhaps for leaving his homeworld in ruins. Revenge for the casket being stolen. Asgardians were hardly innocent in the murdering department. How many battles had been started simply because an Asgardian wanted the glory of defeating an enemy, sometimes one that didn't stand a chance. So what made them more monstrous than Asgardians?
Loki groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Even if it was only a few hours of restless sleep, he should try to get some sleep. Despite his mind being busy as usual, his body was exhausted. The perfect combination for nightmares. It's wasn't like his sleep wasn't always plagued anyway. Even before Thanos and Laufey, he had had nightmares. As a small boy, he would run to Thor and curl up next to him, as if Thor could protect him from everything. Another thing that made him weak. Though, Thor had had nightmares once.
It was the first time that they had left the city limits alone. Odin had warned them many a time not to leave the city limits without at least an Einherjar or Frigga. When Loki brought this up, Thor called him a coward and that was that. They were very small, only about 323 and 434. They were having plenty of great fun, playing in the trees and making forts. They kept going deeper into the forest, not noticing the sun starting to set. It wasn't until later that they would learn no one had came after them because Odin had wanted them to learn a lesson. Before they knew it, darkness had settled and the forest came alive. Loki wanted to turn back, but Thor decided it was a grand adventure and took off. Not wanting to be left alone in the dark, Loki followed.
He caught up to Thor in a few minutes, keeping near to him. Despite being able to see better at night than most Asgardians, Loki hated the dark. He still did. Though now for different reasons. He had begged Thor to take him home, only for Thor to snap at him to stop being such a childish whiner. When Loki told Thor he thought they were being followed, he said Loki was just being a skremmende dødelig.
Not ten minutes later, something brushed his ankle and Loki was being dragged backwards. He had tried to cast a brann spell at whatever was around his foot, but in his fear, his seidr shied away. He panicked, then remembered he had a dagger in a sheath on his shin. If he could just reach it... After much twisting and reaching, he had been able to reach it and throw it at whatever had his ankle. The creature shrieked, releasing it's hold. After a few moments of catching his breath and calming his heart rate, he had staggered to his feet and sprinted to where he hoped Thor was.
When his legs started shaking, he knew he was lost. It had started raining a little while ago, making him long for his brother even more. He just wanted to go home. If only Thor had just listened to him for once. Despite being the younger, he had more sense than his oaf of a brother. He must have fell asleep after a bit, because Loki had waken in the helbredelsesrom. Thor was next to him, unusually mute and his mother was on his other side.
He had read that entire day, as he was confined to the bed. Thor didn't leave his side until their mother fetched him and took him to bed, leaving Loki alone. He wasn't alone for very long.
The door opened and shut and a pair of feet was walking on the cold floor towards him. Loki sat up, just as Thor reached his bed.
"Can I sleep in here?" Loki looked at his brother quizzically. Usually their roles were reversed. He nodded, and Thor climbed onto the bed. It didn't take long for Thor to start to explain.
"I had a nightmare." He admitted quietly. Shamefully.
"It was about you. You were dead and the sun never shined again." It took a bit for Loki to process the words. The rain... Had Thor thought him dead? Not able to formulate a response, he said jokingly,
"Besides the fact that I'm younger than you, you're the reckless one, I'll probably outlive you by a couple centuries."
"I'm being serious!" He whispered loudly.
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. You're my brother and if you had died and it was my fault..." His brother trailed off and Loki added quietly,
"Well I didn't. And I don't plan on dying any time soon, so I can assure you that the sun will always shine again. With both of us under it's rays."
How naive he had been. The sun would never shine on them again. Not as brothers. Not when they shared no blood. Not when the trenches of betrayal were as deep as they were. How could they possibly reconcile after all that had been done? When I'm king, I'll hunt the monsters down and slay them all! What was he, if not a monster? Weak. Thor would want nothing to do with him. You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream! Come home. What home? Jotunheim, his native planet that he had tried to destroy? Asgard, where he had grown up yet was always an outsider? The Sanctuary, where he was tortured and manipulated? He had no home. Thor may be blinded by sentiment, but it was only a matter of time before the Thunderer hated him like everyone else. Loki would make sure of it. His mother was a different story.
He knew she would only push harder if he tried to push her away and he couldn't tell her because she would tell Odin, Thor or both, who would try to kill Thanos. He couldn't allow that. Though, what choice did he have? Why couldn't she see what he was? He was a disgrace. He was a monster. He was weak and hateful. Everywhere you go, there is war, ruin and death. Odin saw what he really was. Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again. Why did she have to interfere? It would've been so much simpler and easier to let him be executed. Of course, Loki had the means to kill himself.
It would have to be public, else Thanos wouldn't learn of his death. Though even if Thanos learned of his death, whether that be by foul play or suicide, he would still go after all that Loki loved, if only to keep his promise. More likely torture them, to keep them in pain and from reuniting with him. Not that Loki would be going to Valhalla anyway. He couldn't tell anyone what had really happened, because Thor would find out one way or another and try to avenge him. He would go rushing into battle with the titan and he would lose. Loki couldn't risk that. He couldn't tell anyone else, because they would either think he deserved it and would further humiliate him or they would try to kill the titan. Though the latter most likely only applied to Thor and his mother.
He gazed at the stars, wondering where in the universe Thanos was and when he would exact his revenge. Soon, he knew that. With that depressive thought, Loki leaned back, slipping into restless sleep. Slipping under the dark waters of his mind, where his worst memories and fears roamed free.
A/N: I think I lied when I said this story would be picking up soon. Sorry about that. I did not mean to spend the whole chapter in Loki's thoughts, but I got a little carried away. Whoops. The memory was the hardest part to write, even though it's been in my head awhile yet. Heimdall is problematic when one wants people to be lost. Though I figure this seems like a lesson Odin would use with his sons. Maybe with some Einherjar following silently just in case. As for their ages, I just do 50 Asgardian years equal one Midgardian year. I know it's Æsir, but since it was Asgardians in Ragnarok, I'm using Asgardian. I know that equation probably isn't very accurate, but Loki said give or take 5000 years and it's easier to divide 5000 by 100 instead of 5080 divided by 80 or 5100 divided by 51. Well the latter equation wouldn't be too bad, but you get my point. Give or take, just like Loki said. With this equation, in the memory Loki is about 6 and 1/2 and Thor is 8 and 1/2ish. They are probably farther apart in age in Norse mythology, but in Ragnarok, Thor said "We were eight at the time." We. Meaning they are pretty close in age. So the snake story occurred somewhere within 400 years from that memory. Probably within a century and a half from the memory if Thor is the one that is eight. I hope my description of how Jötunn see made sense. I had meant for this chapter to have Loki ask about his mother, but I got off topic, so maybe next chapter. Any ideas who his mother is? I'll give you guys a hint, it's a popular theory. I've found that I often write seidr as sentient, whether it is or not, I'm not sure but I guess it's like the Infinity stones, they're sentient, (at least the Soul stone is and I think the others are too), but people who aren't connected to them don't know that. Which doesn't really help explain much. Anyway, translations are all Norwegian here.
skremmende dødelig isn't conjugated at all because I was going for skittish mortal which is skremmende dødelig and Google translate gave me skitne dødelige which when I put back through (Norwegian to English instead of English to Norwegian) it said skitne dødelige was filthy mortal and just skitne was dirty, so for anyone who speaks Norwegian, I'm sorry, blame Google translate.
brann is fire.
helbredelsesrom is healing room.
Enjoy the rest of your day/night! Thanks for reading.
Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel, nor do I claim to.
PS. Apologies for the super long author's note.