Thank you all so much for reading this. I can't believe this is at 26 chapters! I have really felt the love from you guys and it means so much to share this with other fans like myself! This chapter was definitely tougher to write, and the next one will be for sure! Hope you enjoy and as always comments/reviews are welcome!

Dick Wolf owns everything

Off the Rails

Elliot was barreling down the street before he knew what was happening. Once he reached the corner, he slowed feeling his lungs burning. He stopped walking, his emotions overtaking him again.

He choked back a sob, and his knees buckled. He needed to sit down. He brought his hand to his mouth trying to control the emotions that were about to come out of him, but once he found a bench, he put his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands and cried.

Olivia had been kidnapped. And he hadn't been there.

He was angry with himself that he hadn't been there, but this swell of emotions pelting him right now had come from one thought.

He could have lost her.

He could have lost her forever eight years ago and he wouldn't have even known. The thought hit him like a truck. He felt like someone had ripped his heart out of his chest.

He would have never known what it was to love her. To openly love her… to feel her love him back. He would have missed… all of this… everything.

And Noah… he shuddered to think what would have happened to that sweet kid had Olivia not been there to adopt him.

His stomach twisted again, and he really thought this time he might throw up. He looked around for a garbage can just in case he needed one.

He was losing it again. He felt sobs getting stuck in his chest. This spiral didn't seem like it was going to end. There is no way he could have dealt with losing Olivia let alone Noah now.

His breathing was getting short, and he could feel the tightness in his lungs. He needed to calm down… just breathe he kept telling himself. He started to count and focused on his exhales and inhales like his therapist taught him to do when he had an episode. He closed his eyes and pictured her beautiful face.

Finally, he got his breathing under control after a few minutes. His lungs weren't burning anymore, but the sick feeling in his stomach wasn't going to go away.

He took a second to completely clear his mind. When he opened his eyes again, he knew what to do. He needed details. He got up off the bench and started walking to his car.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

He got off the elevator in the basement of the building where SVU sent all their closed cases. He had to make a few phone calls to find out some information on her case and where it was being stored. It had been eight years, so it had been moved a few times due to lack of space.

He found the clerk and showed his badge.

"Detective Stabler… I called earlier. Did you find that case I asked for?" he said looking at the older man sitting at the desk in front of aisles of boxes and cabinets with what must have been thousands and thousands of cases.

"I sure did detective, but I can't give it to you."

"Why is that?" Elliot asked with a little vinegar in his voice.

"It's sealed and there are strict instructions that state Captain Olivia Benson of Manhattan SVU is the only one who can request this file. You will have to take it up with her."

Elliot stood there and he could feel his eyes start to sting again. Of course… he thought. Of course, she would have asked to set restrictions on her file. He didn't blame her; she wouldn't want just anyone to be able to request it.

He sighed biting his lip and thought about what his next step would be.

"Do you know who the ADA on that case was by chance?"

"Yup. Rafael Barba… but he doesn't work for the ADA anymore. Not sure where he is now."

Elliot felt a little defeated and turned to leave. He pulled his phone out and thought about calling Fin, but he would probably tell him to talk to Liv about it… and he just could do that yet. He didn't want her to see him like this… going off the deep end.

The clerk took a deep breath catching Elliot's attention and he looked back at him.

"I don't think I'll ever forget that case. She is quite a fighter. Probably one of the strongest on the force. If you really need info on her case, it was all over the news. Archives would be a good place to start." He said. Then he looked like he remembered something.

Elliot's heart squeezed in his chest. He knew she was a fighter. He thanked God in that moment that she was.

The clerk held his hand up to Elliot to wait and disappeared down one of the aisles. He was back a few minutes later with a case file in his hand.

"Here, you can take this. His first victim… well in this jurisdiction anyway that we know of. Alice Parker… sixty-year-old woman. She caught him flashing two girls in the park and turned her camera in… poor thing. Nobody deserves that." He said handing Elliot the file.

Elliot's breathing picked up. He took the file and nodded to the clerk. He tucked it under his arm and got back on the elevator.

Once he was in his car, he needed to take a minute to make sure he was ready before he opened it.

He flipped it open and saw Liv's handwriting. A note scribbled here, and there. He brushed his thumb over one of her side notes. She still wrote up cases the same way, always adding more, always digging deeper. He felt a little swell of nostalgia thinking of their partnership.

She use to scribble all over the case notes making it impossible for anyone but him to understand her thought process. He always understood her.

Then he flipped to the photos of the crime scene.

Nausea hit him hard. The apartment was a mess. Cigarette butts everywhere, empty booze bottles, blood, scorch marks on the mattress… keys in a frying pan on the stove…

Keys…

Elliot brought his hand to his face, the sting of tears welling in his eyes hit instantly. His breath caught in his lungs as his mind pulled up the memory of the very light, almost impossible to see mark on Liv's hip… in the shape of a key.

It was a scar. A scar from him.

Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath in. He pictured Liv. Pictured her smiling at him. Pictured her sleeping in his arms, peaceful. He could feel his chest tighten and knew if he looked at any more of this file he was going to snap. He pictured Liv beneath him, the feel of her wrapped around him. He needed to hang on to those memories to make it through this as he slowly closed the file and set it in the passenger seat.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Elliot pulled out the chair at one of the archive desks. He took a deep breath. He wasn't entirely sure he was ready to do this but the need to know what happened to her was burning a hole in his heart.

He had wanted to call Olivia. He wanted to go to her and just hold her close to him and feel her heartbeat and her breath on his skin and remind himself she was here. She was safe… she was with him. But his mind was going off the rails and he couldn't keep his panic attacks in check right now. He didn't want to barge into her office or out in the field somewhere and break down.

He knew her story needed to come from her. He knew it. Bell was right. But he just couldn't go in with no idea what had happened. He needed to be prepared.

Prepared for her.

So, if she needed him… he would be able to give her what she needed. He didn't want to have to make her worry about him over what happened to her. He just needed… to be ready. As ready as he could be.

Bell had called him twice since he stormed out of the task force office, and he hadn't answered.

His phone buzzed. It was Bell.

I know this is hard for you… if you need some time, take it… but please let me know you're ok.

He took a deep breath. He was thankful for Bell. She really has been a constant in the sudden storm in his life when Kathy was murdered, and she was now. He felt a little guilt creep in for ignoring her calls. He texted her back.

I'm ok. I think I will take you up on that offer to take a few days.

He waited for her response.

Done. I'm here if you need anything.

He texted her a thank you back and closed his phone.

He started typing Liv's name and Lewis's in the search. He was hit with a huge list of articles and files. He felt his pulse quicken and his heart felt like it might stop. He clicked a link to Lewis's record and his mugshot hit the screen.

He was now looking into the eyes of the person who tried to take everything away from him.

Instant rage shot through him like fire in his veins. His jaw flexed and his breathing increased as he balled his fists. He felt a tremor run through his body and he wanted to hurt someone. He wanted to hurt Lewis. He wanted to break every bone in his body.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He needed to get through this.

He noticed the word deceased at the top of the file. He felt the tiniest bit of relief knowing he was dead, but he was also not happy it wasn't at the hands of him.

He began to scroll through his records and all the aliases he had and how he had slipped through the cracks his whole life. A total psychopath.

His heart started to break again as he read.

Every single line on his criminal record was abhorrent. The things he had done to women… the torture… the raping… murder… every line broke his heart more and more. His mind couldn't comprehend how someone could do those things to another human being… and possibly, to the love of his life.

He had chased monsters before. He has seen the depravity of sociopaths and serial killers, rapists, pedophiles and the scum of the earth. But this guy… he was a tyrannical sadist. He had never seen anyone like him. Cunning and charismatic… and did anything and everything to survive.

If there was a break, this guy caught it. His name spelled wrong, witness tampering, sleeping with his defense attorney who he then raped tortured and killed… this guy was the worst kind of sociopath.

Truly evil.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Things were slightly calm for the moment at the sixteenth. Olivia kept checking her phone, waiting to hear from Elliot.

She hoped everything went as well as possible. The fact that it had been hours since she texted him this morning and she hadn't heard from him was making her a bit nervous.

She wasn't worried about Bell finding out about them, she liked Bell. Bell was a good cop and she trusted her to keep El in check now that it wasn't her job anymore.

She was worried about the other thing. The Angela Wheatley thing. She felt a twinge of jealousy hit her as she thought about it.

Ok… she thought to herself. She needed to let that go. He was hers.

Undeniably.

Olivia checked her phone again as Fin knocked on her door.

"Come in." She said, distracted.

"Hey, Cap my paperwork is all done. Finally caught up on it all." He said. Fin has a ton of catching up to do after his honeymoon and Liv decided today was his cut off.

"Good to hear it Fin. Thanks again for watching Noah for me." She said smiling.

"Of course. He's always welcome. Phoebe was excited to get to spend some time with him. I think she likes him more than she likes me…" Fin said with that subtle smirk of his.

Olivia laughed. Then she checked her phone again.

"Liv, everything ok?" Fin asked noticing her fidgeting.

"Yea… um… yea…" she said still distracted.

She looked up at Fin who had a questioning look on his face. Whatever she was trying to sell he wasn't buying it.

Olivia took a deep breath.

"El is telling Bell about… well us today." She said not wanting to actually tell him about Wheatley but needing to let some of her anxiousness out.

"Ah… I got it. And you're waiting to hear back from him." Fin said.

"Yea…" she sighed giving him a half smile.

"I'm sure everything is fine. Maybe he just got caught up. You know how it is." he said.

Olivia shook her head and nodded. Fin was right. She was sure everything was fine.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

He was down a dark rabbit hole. He must have read fifty news articles about Lewis kidnapping Liv. Headline after headline… each one of them completely devastating.

Every word he read was haunting. So many questions were spinning around in his head.

How did he get in her apartment? Why did no one check up on her? Why did it take them so long to find her?

He never would have let her go home alone… not after that fuck Lewis was acquitted. They would have probably gone out for something to eat at Millie's… talked over the case and how they could maybe find a way to catch him again. He would have made her blink her lights…

He looked at the dates on the articles.

She was held captive for four days…

Four days…

He felt sick again. His mind was running through the possibilities of everything that Lewis could have done to her in four days. Overwhelming guilt struck him again deep down in his soul.

He could have been there to stop it. He could have…

He slammed his fists down on the table. Feelings of pain and anger and guilt stabbed at him.

A clerk looked over and asked him if he was ok. He didn't answer. There were still so many articles to go through and he just couldn't. He couldn't read anymore.

He had enough. Even if he wasn't completely ready to hear her story in her own words, he had to see her. He needed to see her. He knew the only antidote to the sickening feeling he had was her.

It was always her.