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Realizations

Olivia checked her phone again. Nothing. She was really starting to worry, but she didn't want to be that girl. She wasn't that girl. She sighed and put her phone down on her desk. She pulled out some paperwork and started looking around for her glasses. Where did she put them, she thought?

Then she remembered.

They were somewhere on Elliot's living room floor.

She closed her eyes and remembered last night. It was still so vivid in her mind. She could feel Elliot's hands on her. Every touch, every kiss… a shiver ran down her spine and heat creeped into her cheeks.

She had been so uninhibited. The things Elliot made her feel… the desire, the demand… she'd never felt this way. She had never felt so… wanted.

And it made her… unhinged.

She wanted to wear lace for him. She wanted to wear heels for him. She wanted to wear anything he wanted her to just so he could take if off her. She wanted to fulfill every fantasy he ever had. It made her want to do things to him and for him she had never wanted to do with anyone… ever.

And yet every time since their first night together he made her feel more beautiful wearing nothing, no makeup, in the mornings after than she had ever felt. She knew she was a pretty girl and grew into herself as she got older. She never really questioned that and was confident about her looks.

It was everything else. Everything else made her question herself. All her baggage… being a child of rape, her mother's alcoholism, and the fact that none of her relationships ever worked out. But with Elliot… he loved her more the next morning than he had the night before… and every day since.

He had never made her question herself.

She remembered all the times she wondered if she had the violence gene from the rapist that was her father, or if she would ever fall into the bottle like her mother, or if she would ever make a good mother… or would ever be a mother. He never had any doubts about her. Every time he stood in front of her he would reassure her that he knew her. He knew she wasn't the sum of her up bringing or her genetics.

Yes, she had questioned herself when he had left her. Why she was so easy to leave? She wondered what was wrong with her, why didn't he tell her, why did he abandon her. But now having those answers and knowing everything she knows now… knowing it had nothing to do with her faults and baggage and everything to do with how much he actually truly loved her. How he didn't know how to deal with it… how it was so… complicated… but he had never questioned who she is, and who she is to him. He had never stopped loving her. He had loved her for almost twenty-three years and counting. He loved every single piece of her, the good and the bad.

He knew her better than anybody, and he loved her and wanted her more than anyone.

And last night he was so insatiable. So demanding… taking what he wanted after she asked him to. She had pushed him to his limits, and he had let her. He had let her take control and tell him what to do. There was something so sexual about outranking him and giving him orders. Orders she knew he would follow until she told him not to. And once she cut him loose… he was limitless.

Her mind was starting to reel at the heaviness of just how vulnerable she had been with him. She had trusted him implicitly to take her and love her in away she'd never been loved before. She had asked him to make it hurt and he brought her to the perfect brink of pain and pleasure in a way she knew only he could. In a way that was so distinctly them, and he had made her orgasm in a way she never had before… and it was just too damn good.

She was never going to get enough of him and all the ways he loved her.

Olivia bit her lip trying to reign herself back in, but her lips were still a little sore and it just spiked her arousal for him. Oh man she thought, she wished she had a fan or something in her office. She sat there for a minute and decided she needed to get some fresh air. She grabbed her phone and stood up stretching her sore muscles.

Just then she heard Fin say, "Hey El, you ok?" and a second later Elliot came barreling into her office. The look on his face was devastating and she didn't even have a chance to react before he grabbed her and hauled her into his arms, wrapping her up in him and pulling her impossibly close. She could feel him holding back sobs in his chest.

"I'm sorry Liv… I'm sorry…" he kept saying, his breath hitching and his words getting stuck in his throat as tears welled in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry…" he kept repeating.

She put her arms around him feeling a need to comfort him and without knowing why. She looked up at Fin who had walked to the door frame of her office to see if everything was ok. The look of shock on her face must have told him it wasn't or that she was just as clueless as he was to why Elliot was so shaken.

Fin gave Liv a look and pulled the shade to the front window of her office and closed her door.

Olivia closed her eyes and pulled him in closer, putting her hand on the back of his neck trying to sooth him. She felt him slump into her arms, and his hands gripped her tighter. She was worried something happened between Elliot and Bell or maybe 1PP had found something out, maybe something happened to Wheatley's case. Her mind was starting to spin a little. She needed him to tell her what happened.

"El…" she said softly.

He pulled back and looked into her eyes. His hand came up to her face and brushed a few strands of hair out of her eyes. The terror followed by widespread relief she saw reflecting back at her shook her. This was something different.

His sweeping need to kiss her overtook him. He knew this wasn't something they should be doing in her office, but he didn't care.

He needed more. Feeling her breathing in his arms wasn't enough to expel the sickening feeling in his stomach. He needed to feel her lips on his and take her breath and be reminded that he knew what it was to love her and be loved by her.

He brought her face to his and kissed her deliberately yet gently. She could feel him shake and she absorbed some of his fear and disintegrated it.

She could feel his love for her emanating off him in waves. It was like being caught in a rip tide and every time she came up for air she was swallowed again by his ocean of love and pulled under.

He was melting her, and she needed to stop this before they ended up fulfilling one of her fantasies of Elliot bending her over her desk.

She steeled her resolve, but gently pulled back not wanting to jar him, and not wanting to end their kiss either, but knowing she had to.

"El…" she said softly again catching her breath and putting her forehead to his still reeling from the power that was his love for her. She finally found her bearings and looked back into his eyes.

"El… what's going on? Is everything ok?" she said, concern in her voice.

He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. He felt tears sting his eyes.

"I'm so sorry Liv…"

It was all he could seem to say.

"Elliot… did something happen with Bell? Or Moennig? Or the case against Wheatley?"

Her words moved him into the present. She was concerned that this break down of his was because of his conversation today with Bell. How was he going to tell her…?

How was he going to tell her today he felt a hint of what it would be like to lose her, to never know her the way he does now, to never have loved her… and he had lost it. The thought of not having her in the world let alone not having her in his world was unimaginable… and it shredded him.

"Is there somewhere else we can go?" he finally said.

"El… you're scaring me…" she whispered.

"I'm sorry…" he said and tried to smile at her. To reassure her.

"Stop saying you're sorry El… and just tell me what's going on?" she asked.

He reluctantly let her go and went to sit on her couch. She moved following him but stayed standing. He put his hands in his head and took another deep breath.

"It's not about Bell or Moennig… or Wheatley." he said brushing his hands over his face trying to collect himself enough to tell her.

Olivia took a breath, and it was a relief at first, but then her mind wandered. What could have caused this reaction in him?

He looked up at her and could see the worry in her face. He needed to calm down and tell her.

"I told Bell about… Angela Wheatly… and she took it better than I thought she would…" he said a slight smile curling his lips. "Actually, she basically said the same thing you did to me." and he let out a small laugh.

Liv smiled faintly back at him. She knew she liked Bell.

"Then I told her about us…" his smile lifted and his eyes brightened. Olivia felt her knees weaken a little. They always did that when he looked at her like that.

"She wasn't surprised…" he laughed at that. "She told me a while ago to find someone else."

"What? Find someone else to do what with?" Olivia asked a little edge to her voice, her eyebrow rising.

Elliot laughed at her reaction. It was the same defensiveness he had given Bell when she had questioned his relationship with Liv.

"Move on…" Elliot said. "She didn't know you were the one I couldn't move on from."

Olivia felt her cheeks flush. It would never get old being reminded of just how long he had pined for her.

Olivia felt a shift in his presence, then his eyes deepened like he had fallen into a deep dark well. It shook her to her core. The last time she saw that look in his eyes was in that abandoned military warehouse sixteen years ago.

"She told me she was happy for me…that you are an amazing woman..." he paused, preparing himself. "Then she said something that I didn't understand. She said… she didn't know how you got through all the mess… that happened to you…" he felt his heart squeezing in his chest.

Olivia's breathing picked up. He could see she knew what he was going to say. The color drained from her face.

"I asked her what she meant by that…" he took a deep breath and closed his eyes saying a silent prayer that he could get this out without losing his resolve.

"She told me you were kid…" he choked back what felt like a dry heave. "Kidnapped by a man named William Lewis…" and he felt his stomach flip at the sound of that piece of garbage's name coming out of his mouth.

He physically saw her react to his name. He saw her go somewhere in her mind. Somewhere he doesn't know. It sliced at his soul.

Olivia was blindsided. Never in a million guesses would she have thought his break down in her office was because of William Lewis. Her stomach twisted at the sound of his name. It had been eight years and a lot of hours of therapy and his name still set her on edge.

She swallowed back the bile she felt coming up in her throat. She wasn't sure what to say to him. She shook her head and opened her mouth, but nothing came out. It had been so long… why was this affecting him this way now she wondered.

"I didn't know Olivia… I'm so sorry… I didn't know…" he said standing up and pulling her into him again. This time his breath rushed out of him, and he felt her tremble in his arms.

Tears stung her eyes as the realization that he didn't know about what happened to her hit her. She let him envelop her, breathing in his scent and letting the security she felt being there wrapped in his arms, smooth over her.

Part of her always wondered why he hadn't tried to contact her after what happened. Either he didn't know, or he didn't care. She needed him more than she had ever needed him back then after her kidnapping and in the months that followed.

She tried to dial his number a thousand times, but she stopped herself from hitting the call button… not sure if she could take it if he didn't answer her… if he had changed his number… if she found out the truth that knew he knew about it and didn't care. It would be more devastating than she would have been able to handle. She would have felt utterly alone and completely unwanted. Just what Lewis had wanted to achieve.

So… she never called. She never asked anyone if he knew, or if anyone had tried to get a hold of him. Cragen or Munch… or Fin. They all would have been the ones to reach out to him… but she didn't want to know. She couldn't live with the thought of knowing if it meant the true end of them.

Then there was a knock at her door. They split apart wearily, and she cleared her throat as Elliot turned away from the door trying to collect himself.

"Come in…" she said.

It was Fin. "Hey Cap… sorry to interrupt but we caught a case. Kat's at the scene, I'm gonna meet her, but the vic is on her way to the hospital. Thought maybe you'd like to meet her there to take her statement." he said, eyeing El and then looking back at Liv.

"Yea… yea… that's fine. Thanks Fin. I'll be on my way." she answered.

Olivia ran her hands through her hair and then her phone dinged. It was Lucy. She texted Liv that she had picked up Noah at school and they were home, but she needed to head out earlier than planned and was there anyone who could look after Noah.

"Dammit…" Liv said. When it rains it pours. She needed to go do her job, but there was also all of the things her and Elliot needed to talk about. And now she needed someone to watch Noah.

"You ok?" El asked… but there was more layered behind it than just what was on the surface of that question.

"Um…" she shook her head trying to ground herself. "Lucy has to leave, and Noah needs someone to watch him so I can go meet this vic at the hospital." She said.

"I can do it…" Elliot said his demeanor perking up the slightest bit.

Liv saw the brightness in his eyes again. It warmed her soul.

"Don't you have to go back to work?" she asked.

"No… Bell told me to take a few days… I ah… didn't react so well to the news in her office earlier." he said, his voice trailing off remembering his downward spiral.

"Ok, I'll let Lucy know you're coming. Noah will be thrilled." She said, and then she smiled at him before she texted Lucy back.

She looked back up to him as he made his way back to her. He pulled her into a soft hug and kissed her cheek, lingering for a moment to take in her scent, knowing how much it calms his mind and soul.

He let her go and started walking to the door and she grabbed his hand, stopping him.

"We'll talk later tonight… when I come home." She said, and it struck her in that moment… that was the first time she ever said that to him. He smiled back to her softly and squeezed her hand. He knew it too.

His heart swelled at her comment of coming home to him… to him and Noah, and he let that knowledge wash away anything else he was feeling, and he clung to it.

"I love you Olivia…"

"I love you too Elliot."

And he left to go spend time with Noah until the love of his life came home to them.