Thank you all for reading! This chapter deals with Liv's kidnapping and assault. I didn't get into to many graphic details, but this was a hard one to write. Having suffered from abuse myself, this was triggering. I know many things can be triggers, so this is a warning ahead of time. Please be gentle... I love all of you for the amazing support my writing has gotten. And to any of you who have also dealt with abuse/assault/trauma... I respect and support you and hope for healing minds and souls... 3

Dick Wolf owns everything

Empty Pages

Elliot and Noah were having the best time.

When he showed up at Olivia's, Lucy let him in, and Noah had launched himself into El's arms. He had been so excited to spend time with Elliot.

Elliot was so grateful for this. Noah was the perfect distraction to the heaviness his heart was carrying, and he also was appreciative for this one-on-one time with him. He really wanted to be a part of Noah's life and he knew Olivia wanted that too.

He texted Liv after Lucy left to let her know he and Noah were going to get something to eat and then maybe, if it was alright with her, he would take him to a card collector store to look around. He promised not to spend too much on anything for him. She had wanted to keep him grounded.

He had bought him a few packs of cards and a binder to keep them in. As a kid Elliot had always wanted to have a card collection, but it wasn't something that ever happened. His father told him not to waste any money on those dumb things, even though his father had a stamp collection.

Elliot had tried with Dickie, but he had lost interest, and with Eli there just wasn't any time. Once he was older, they were in Italy and soccer had become Eli's focus.

But he still had a chance with Noah, and since he was playing baseball there was a good chance it was going to stick. This could be something special between them. A bond they could share.

Elliot looked at his watch as he got out Lucy's key. He realized as she was leaving that he didn't have one to get back in. He promised to leave it for her tomorrow on Liv's kitchen counter.

"When is Mom coming home?" Noah asked as he and Elliot entered the apartment.

"I don't know bud… hopefully sometime soon."

Noah looked a little disappointed.

"I miss her too Noah…" El said to him, giving him a reassuring smile. Noah softly smiled back and looked at his binder.

"I really want to show her my cards…" he said flipping through the binder again.

"Well, how about you leave them there, go get ready for bed and we will watch a movie and wait for her until your bedtime."

"Ok cool…" Noah said.

"You can pick one out when you're done while I make popcorn…" El said a little louder as Noah ran down the hallway to his room.

"Hey Noah… when is your bedtime?" El asked as he looked through the cabinets for her popcorn.

Noah stuck his head out of his room.

"Um… ten…" he said testing Elliot.

Elliot peaked his head out to the hallway from the kitchen to eyeball Noah.

"Ten?" Elliot asked, raising his eyebrows.

Noah looked at his face. It was the same look his mom gave him when she knew he was lying.

Noah rolled his eyes and huffed. "Ok ok, it's eight… but sometimes Lucy lets me stay up till nine." He said moving back into his room hoping Elliot would take the bait.

"How about we compromise and make it 8:30?" Elliot asked.

"Deal!" Noah shouted from his room.

Elliot smiled to himself as he made the popcorn.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

It took longer at the hospital than Olivia thought it would. She had called in Amanda hoping that Amanda could finish up with the victim and she could go home to Elliot and Noah, but that proved hard to make happen.

The victim was out of sorts and the hospital was slammed. It took both of them to finally get her to consent to a rape kit and to get her story.

Normally Olivia didn't care how long it took to get an account of what happened. She had spent all night at a hospital many times. However much time it took was what it took. But tonight, so much was weighing on her mind. She knew being the Captain she could have left Amanda to it, but that just wasn't her style. She still wanted to be in the field when she could.

Finally back at the squad, she opened her office door.

"I didn't know Olivia…"

His words were ringing in her ears. It was a comfort knowing that he hadn't known. It meant her fear of him not caring about her or not wanting to be there for her when all this happened wasn't a reality. But it twisted in her stomach and weighed on her heart that she was going to have to tell him…

Show him…

There was no way around it. She couldn't be vague or allude to things because she knew him… he would want details. And those details… those details were going to crush him. They were going to kill him.

Just like they killed her.

Well, a part of her anyway. Lewis hadn't taken everything from her. But he had taken enough. Enough to cause damage… and doubt… and fear… and distrust.

She sighed and rubbed her chin.

She knew he'd never forgive himself for not being there to stop Lewis, or to be the one to rescue her. No matter what she said or the fact that they were here now, together… in love… happy… it wouldn't sway his mind.

She sat down and opened her bottom desk drawer and pulled out a case file.

Her case file.

Of course, there was one filed down in a basement somewhere, but this was the original. There was more in this one than the other one filed away somewhere. But still she had asked Barba to get that one sealed and set a restriction on it so if anyone ever requested it, they would have to go through her first.

She set it on her desk and just looked at the unopened file.

She hadn't looked at it in almost seven years. There had been a time when she was still in that dark spiral and she would chastise herself and look for all the mistakes she made. Her therapist had told her it wasn't a good idea to keep her own file in her desk, but he wasn't going to be able to talk her out of it.

Then Noah came along. The light in all the darkness. And she forgot about the file. It sat in her desk collecting dust.

But now here she was again. She questioned if she should even take it with her. She bit her lip thinking it over and then looked at her watch. Well, she thought, I'll bring it, but I won't pull it out unless I feel like I should. She took a deep breath and with that decision made she grabbed her bag, put the file in it and started walking out her door. It was nine-thirty and she wanted to get home.

She wanted to get home to the only two people in this world that truly mattered to her. That she would give her life for.

Her loves.

One who showed up in her darkest days and breathed joy and light back into her life.

And her one and only… who had come back to her. Who loved her… Who had always loved her.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

Olivia opened her apartment door to a sleeping Elliot and a wide-awake Noah eating popcorn and watching tv.

Noah's eyes widened when he saw his mom and the look on her face.

"Mom… let me explain… we were watching a movie and Elliot AND I fell asleep on the couch, and I just woke up, so I was just gonna go to bed…" he said a little smile on his face because he knew that she knew it was half a fib.

They had been watching a movie… and Elliot had fallen asleep…

"You just woke up, and then decided to eat popcorn?" She asked unable to keep the smile from her face.

"Uh… um… yea?" Noah said ending it with a question and a smile.

Olivia laughed quietly so she didn't wake up Elliot. She put her things down and came over and scooped up Noah giving him a long-awaited hug.

"Come on honey, let's get you tucked in to bed."

"Ok Mom." Noah said and laid his head on her shoulder. She took a deep breath in, reveling in moments like this. Soon he would be too big to pick up, and too old to want her to tuck him in for bed. She wanted to hang on to every second she could. He was her only baby.

Her heart sank a little as she looked at a sleeping Elliot on her couch. For years late at night when it was just her and her thoughts… images would creep in. Images of what a little girl would look like with her brown hair and his blue eyes. What it would feel like to carry a child.

His child.

She had dreams of this little girl and them as a family… happy. It used to rip through her when she woke up… alone.

But now… now she had Noah… and she had Elliot. Two people she wouldn't trade for anything in the world. This was how things were supposed to be. She was sure of it. She sighed and let the remembered dream of carrying his child… the face of a little girl who didn't exist… slip away. She didn't need to cling to dreams of being with him anymore.

She walked them to Noah's bedroom and tucked him into bed.

"Did you have a good time with Elliot?" she asked sitting on her sons' bed as he got comfortable.

He shot up, excitement in his eyes. "So much fun! Oh Mom! I want to show you my cards!" he said making a motion to get out of bed.

"Oh no you don't…" she said with a little smile at how excited he was. "Tomorrow… you can show me tomorrow, it's late."

Noah looked at her with a little disappointment and then made a puppy dog face hoping to melt her resolve. Olivia laughed at him and kissed his cheek.

"Tomorrow… I promise." she said. "Elliot and I will take you to school tomorrow too, ok?"

"Ok Mom…" Noah said laying back down.

"I love you sweet boy…" Olivia said.

"I love you too Mom." Noah said yawning and turning to go to sleep.

Olivia quietly exited her son's bedroom. She stopped in the bathroom to look at herself. She stood there, staring at her reflection. She moved her hair and looked at the marks Elliot's lips and teeth had made.

She felt the unique yearning that only he stoked inside her. The fire that only he could ignite, and only he could sate. There was a time when she thought she'd never be whole again. And now her heart was full. Lewis had taken things from her, but he didn't take Elliot.

He couldn't take Elliot from her, and she was going to cling to that. Cling to knowing he was here and real, and he loves her. That was going to get her through telling him… showing him the photos of her injuries… photos he would want to see, but then never be able to get out of his head.

She took a deep breath in and decided to wash her face. All of a sudden, she felt nervousness hit her. Maybe she should have left the file in her desk. She faltered in her resolve and wasn't sure she was ready for this. As she rinsed her face and then patted it dry, she thought… no… she needed to get this over with, and then she could truly find closure. Knowing the one person she had wished to see one last time before what she thought might be her final hours would know everything… everything about her.

There would be nothing left unspoken or unshared. He would understand her wholly. More than she probably understood herself.

There had always been a secret unspoken language between them. One of the reasons people who didn't know them always thought they were a couple. One of the reasons she knew, even though it was never spoken about, Kathy had resented her for.

Kathy had walked in on it a few times at the squad and had seen it at her own home on the rare occasion she was invited over for dinner by El. She'd seen it on Kathy's face, the way they shared food and knew what each other liked or disliked and the way they anticipated each other's needs.

It was like Kathy was watching from outside through a window. A window into a part of her husband she didn't know. A part he didn't let her know, which Olivia now understood why. The torch he held for her since the beginning of their partnership wasn't something to be broadcasted.

Olivia tried her hardest to subdue their unspoken language whenever Kathy was around, but it was hard. It was why they were always so in sync. A synchronicity she shared with no one else… ever…

And she cared about Kathy, and Elliot's marriage and his family. She had never wanted to ruin that for him.

But now things were… different. She was free to speak without words. Free to allow herself to love him and let him love her back. She never wanted him to be unsure about what she was thinking or feeling. Life was too short for that. She wanted to be a completely open book with him. With empty pages… pages to be written on… by him… by them.

And now that they were in this place, a place she never thought she would ever be in, she needed to do this… now. She knew if they could make it through this, they would be stronger and closer than anyone could ever understand.

Olivia quietly walked to her bedroom to change. She threw on an old pair of cotton shorts and the shirt Elliot had left in her laundry basket. The one she had ruined the collar of. It smelled like him, and she was going to need him. All of him she could get to get through this with him.

She made her way out to the living room to find Elliot still asleep. She curled up next to him, in her spot under his arm. She felt him shift and his hands smoothed over her, seeking out its place on her hip.

She needed a little hit of him, her only drug of choice, to take the edge off.

He took a deep breath as his senses awoke him with her scent and skin. He nuzzled his nose into her hair. He took another breath in, feeling the absolute relief of having her in his arms that never seems to fade, and kissed her temple.

"Hey beautiful…" he said, his voice low. "When did you get home." She snuggled deeper into her nook.

"Hmm… maybe a half hour or so…" she smiled to herself as the image of Noah awake, and El asleep flashed in her mind. "What time did Noah go to bed?" she asked baiting him.

Elliot cleared his throat and opened his eyes looking around for Noah.

"Um…uh…" he stuttered, and she felt him panic a little.

Her subtle laughter calmed him some. "It's ok El, I put him to bed thirty minutes ago."

He relaxed back into the couch. "Yea, sorry about that…" he said a little sheepishly. "I just couldn't keep my eyes open. It's been a long day…" he trailed off, not referring to Noah, but to the realizations that had hit him earlier. And Olivia knew. She always knew.

"Yea about that… do you still want to talk…" she said, giving him an option. He shifted them to look at her. He wasn't sure if what he sensed was hesitation, or a wall going up. She could see the questioning in his eyes.

"I mean tonight… we don't have to do this tonight… if you're tired." she said reassuring him she wasn't trying to run away from this.

He took a long breath in and let it out slow, looking back into her eyes. Telepathing his answer. She pursed her lips together acknowledging him and kissed his cheek softly before she got up.

"Drink?" she asked, but it wasn't really a question. They both knew they would need a little liquid courage to make it through this.

She got out a bottle of whiskey from her top cabinet and two glasses. She put a few ice cubes in hers and made his neat. She stood there at her kitchen counter, looking at the glasses of brown liquid. She closed her eyes. Where would she even start?

"Liv…" his voice broke her contemplation as his hand covered hers. When did he come over to her, she thought?

"Look, I should tell you… after Bell told me… I went looking…" he paused to gauge her reaction. She looked him in the eye waiting for him to finish.

"I went looking for answers… I tried to get your case file… but they wouldn't let me have it." he said tentatively.

A small flicker of anger flashed in her face, and then she looked back at the glasses of whiskey.

"Yea, I had Barba, the ADA at the time seal my case… in case anyone went looking." she said. He was about to apologize to her for his reckless behavior earlier, but she continued.

"But that file doesn't have everything…" and she handed him his drink and walked over to the chair she left her bag on and pulled out a thick file.

"This one does." she said as she set it on her coffee table.

He swallowed hard and took a sip of his drink. He wasn't sure what to do now. He wanted to open it, and yet he didn't. He knew once he saw everything in that file it would be burned in his mind forever. She mirrored his actions and took a sip of her own drink.

"So, what else did you dig up?" she asked. She knew after his first request was denied he wouldn't have been able to stop there. She knew, now, that part of his frenzied state in her office was because he had found out some details, but maybe not hers.

He opened his mouth and then closed it. He moved to sit on her couch. He didn't think he should be standing during this. He put his drink on the coffee table next to the file that was burning a hole through his soul and scratched at his eyebrow and opened his mouth to try again.

"The clerk gave me Alice Parker's file… and I went to archives… I looked at that sick bastard's rap sheet." he said feeling his stomach twist. "And I read some of the newspaper articles…" he trailed off.

Some was an understatement.

Liv took a deep breath. Lewis's face flashed across her mind. So… he had seen the face of the monster. Her demeanor took on a shielded, coiled physicality.

"I'm sorry Liv… Bell told me to go to you and talk to you about it, but I just…" his throat felt like there was molasses stuck in it. He swallowed hard again.

"I could barely handle the news… I didn't want to come at you with all my own bull shit… to make you worry… to make it about me… I just wanted to be prepared… as prepared as I could be to hear… your story." he said, and his breath came out shaky.

She sighed and the tiny bit of anger she had faded. She should have known he'd have gone looking before coming to her. But he was here now, and she was going to tell him everything. Empty pages… she reminded herself.

She sat down in the chair across from him. She needed space. Space to tell him, and not to just crumple into a mess in his arms.

She shortly recapped how he ended up crossing their path to begin with, how he managed to get a mistrial and how Cragen had sent her home for two days to get some rest. But Lewis was there.

She could see his physical presence change. She could see the rage threatening to rip out of his skin. She could see how upset he was over the unknown detail of how he got inside her apartment… how no one thought to check on her… like he would have. She saw his jaw flex when she mentioned Cassidy. A detail she had forgotten about, but not one that Elliot would let go so quickly.

She gave him a look, that reassuring look of hers, reminding him that no one mattered who came before him, and she saw him do his best to tamp that nerve down.

She continued her detailed account of what she remembered in those first few hours. She gave him details that weren't in that case file. Things he said to her, how she tried to manipulate him, change her tactics to no avail.

His eyes pricked with tears and anger and anguish when she told him about the keys in the frying pan, and how he used her as a human ashtray. He felt that pang of sickness snaking into his stomach again. Hearing her voice describe the sensation… the pain.

He finished his whiskey and needed another when she described how he made her watch him rape and torture his attorney's mother.

He had drugged her with pills and alcohol, kept her taped up, hand cuffed, dehydrated and shoved in a trunk or the floor of the backseat for days while he transported her.

Four days…

She had endured that for four days.

His mind felt raw. His emotions were frayed like the ends of a rope pulled too tight. His muscles felt like he went ten rounds in a boxing ring from the tension he was holding.

Then she detailed the events at the beach house.

She told him everything. She remembered every word he said to her. Every place he touched her, every crazed look in his eyes… She wished she didn't.

When she got to the part right before she broke free, she could see his eyes intensify and widen.

"Liv…" he said, his voice breaking and tears rolling down his face.

"Please…" he choked.

She knew what he was asking. He wasn't begging her to stop. He was asking her if he had raped her. She took a breath and a rebellious tear slipped out.

"No… he didn't get the chance to…" she whispered.

Elliot immediately exhaled, his breath coming out of him like a wave. More tears spilled out of him… relief that she hadn't experienced what thousands of other victims she had helped, experienced.

"I broke free and beat him with the metal piece of the bed frame I was hand cuffed to."

His eyes flickered. She could see the pride shining from them as she detailed how she reversed the roll of victim to captor.

"I panicked after I subdued him. I didn't know what to do. I knew I should have called it in, but I wanted… revenge. I wanted to hurt him…" she trailed off.

Elliot knew how difficult that had to be for her. She was pretty badass during their partnership, something he was sure she still was, but she was never overtly violent. He knew she struggled with that her whole life being a child of rape. The urge for revenge or physical vindication was always there working in SVU, but she had the upmost control. But after this whole ordeal… this trauma… he wouldn't have faulted her for wanting to inflict pain. He knew all too well.

"I told him that you would have known what to do… you wouldn't have hesitated. You would have broken every bone in his body…" she said, almost in a whisper staring into her empty glass.

Elliot's heart squeezed. "You… you talked about me?" he said, shock in his voice.

Olivia looked up at him.

"Yes… I told you how he asked who I was thinking about… wishing I could see one more time…" she said.

He nodded.

"It was you… I thought I was going to die… and you were the only thing on my mind. How I wished I could have one last moment with you…" and tears were now falling freely down her face.

Elliot huffed out a soft sob as his saliva caught in his throat. Guilt scratched and clawed its way under his skin and shot into his veins like an unwanted drug. His mind felt the sharp slice of regret for leaving her and his heart physically felt like it was breaking… it felt like a sharp chisel was being smashed by a hammer right into his heart, cracking it into pieces.

"But Elliot…" Liv said, standing and moving over to him needing to comfort him, and remind him she was here and safe and with him. That everything that had happened was in the distant past.

She moved between his legs as she knelt on the floor and brought both hands up to cup his face, wiping away his tears. She felt him inhale sharply at her touch, and then sink into her hands.

"You helped kept me alive…" she said softly, seeking out his eyes with hers.

"I wasn't filled with despair… I didn't give up… and you were the reason. The reason I wanted to live. So even though you weren't there physically… you were there. In here…" she said moving her hand from his face and taking his hand and placing it over her heart.

"I know you feel guilt for leaving… for not being there to stop this… for not saving me… but you did. You did save me." She said whispering those last four words.

"You did."