Chapter Nine

Leaf

I take deep breaths as I walk towards the deli Max has asked me to come to. I'll admit- I found it really awkward that he'd reached out to me, saying that he was in town and he wanted to talk. About what? More importantly, why?

But the truth is, I'm curious to know why he's gotten back in touch after all these years. Sure, we've spoken if we run into each other at parties or social events (like Ash's wedding) but nothing like this. Not voluntarily at least.

It makes me feel uncomfortable. After we broke up, and after a lot of therapy, I was able to manage my feelings better when it came to Max. In the beginning, it was really difficult- I would often think back and blame myself for it, particularly when I missed Max, when I missed talking to him. When I missed being his friend. I just missed him. Max was special in a lot of ways- my first travelling companion, my first best friend, my first boyfriend. He was a lot of firsts. You don't just throw that away or forget about it.

But that's exactly what I tried to do. I took all my Max-related memories and stuffed them into a box and threw them in the ocean. The only thing is that the box seems to have floated back to the surface just when I was relaxing by the beach.

Am I happy? I just find myself asking, surprising myself with the sudden question. Even as my inner voice tells me- I'm not sure, I dunno. Maybe? I feel a sinking feeling creep over me. Why? Why not? After Max and I broke up, I promised myself that I would live as much as I could, for myself. For a while, I did. I decided to try research and found that I quite liked it. I focused on building friendships and nurturing relationships with my family.

Then I met Rudy, and my senses went straight out of the window.

Flashback Orange Islands, 2 years ago

I spent the majority of the two-hour flight from Unova to Orange Islands in deep, deep slumber. I had just finished my foundation year at the Advanced Research Centre- a whole twelve months of exhausting theory study. And while I was sub-consciously hoping for three-month long break, I was spending the summer in Orange Islands to get "my hands dirty" as they say and dig right into field work.

Of course, I was interning with Professor Oak.

Well. Samson Oak, not Samuel- his better-known cousin. From the pictures I've seen, he seems like a more laid-back Hawaii-shirt wearing version of Professor Oak.

Curious and some amused faces look at me as I continue to stay put in my seat to let the newlyweds leave the aircraft first

I find my suitcase quickly- I had packed light knowing that it was going to be a hot and long summer in the Orange Islands, and that, I could always pick up whatever is the trend here after a few weeks. I make my way to the airport subway station and find it packed with students my age. Most look about my age, ready to party for the summer break. I briefly wondered if I was going to be the only one at the Centre's Summer Program this year. I'd hoped not.

I finally find the Centre and as I'm fumbling towards the fifth floor using the staircase (there's no elevator!) I almost trip and fall, ready for impact with the hard floor. To my surprise, I feel someone's arms around me- so hard and warm that I begin swooning right there. As I open my eyes slowly, I look into a man's face.

"Huh?" I say. Way to go Leaf, how articulate.

He just laughs, and I remember how taken I was by that laugh and smile.

"Rudy" he says, and extends his hand. I take it gingerly. "Leaf"

As I regain my composure and stand up straight, I gulp, "Thanks. I just tripped."

"I'm glad you did." He smiles back, and I now realize how creepy that is, in hindsight. What was I thinking?

And there it was- when I go all puppy dog for someone. I just fall.

"You're new around here?" he asks, studying me.

"Yup. Here with the summer research group." He just nods, while I was hoping for him to be impressed.

"Let me help you with your stuff to your room?" he says, and I nod. I had just one suitcase, but oh why not. I have older man swooning over me, so might as well bask in this glory.

When I look back, I cringe at myself.

He sets it in my tiny room, and leans against the door frame, a little too close for comfort. "Hey, there's a party on tonight for all the new summer staff, would you like to go?"

"ooh" I drawl, trying to flirt, "are you asking me out?"

He laughs nervously, "Umm, no. I don't date. I can't care for commitment."

My heart sinks. Of course. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean…"

He laughs again, "Don't fret over it. So…you wanna come?"

"Sure."

"It's at the Shack at 7 pm."

"I'll be there." I give him a thumbs up. He winks at me and leaves the room.

My tiny bed has clothes strewn all over it that it forms a hillock. I look at it and groan. While I know that Rudy has made it clear that it's nothing but a fling, I can't help but feel a tingle of excitement.

You're 22 years old, Leaf. For god's sake, stop acting like a damned school girl.

I finally decide on a breezy white and blue kaftan with nude flip-flops. I figured I looked best in it out of the clothes hillock, and I was running late. I quickly lock my room and head out.

The place is buzzing with energy. I quickly spot two of my fellow interns and chat with them a bit. After a few minutes, I decide that I want a drink and make my way over to the bar.

"Hi," I say, trying to muster up all the courage I can, "Can I have a vodka soda?"

He just nods. "ID?"

I scramble my bag for ID and show him the new card I was given this morning.

"Summer Program eh?" he asks, I notice he's cute. Of course, he's a bartender.

I just smile as he returns the card. "I'm Leaf." I say

"Jake."

"Oh there you are!" Rudy says, and puts his arm around me. I startle a bit, and Jake notices it. He looks at me with raised eyebrows.

I let myself be led by Rudy for the night. We dance, and we drink a lot. Maybe too much. But I'm just in the mood, and it feels so good to let off some steam that I just revel in it.

One thing leads to another, and Rudy and I are having a full blown out make out session in the deserted corridor. I'm so enthused with all the energy, the excitement, that I decide to take things to my tiny room.

We are fumbling in our clothes and before I scream for him to touch me, he does. The man can kiss. My legs are already jelly, and if it wasn't for him holding me, I swear I would've melted into the floor. Rudy isn't very tall, but he's muscular and buff, and I like the feeling of being engulfed in him. He kisses my collarbone as we bump into my tiny bed. We're about to move to the next step, when I suddenly remember-

"Um, do you have any protection?" I ask, to which he just removes a condom from his wallet. I breathe a sign of relief, and make a mental note to buy some. Just in case. I never expected to be having sex the first night of my summer internship.

The first thrust hurts a little, I wince, but he doesn't notice. It's probably because I haven't had sex since, well, since Max. As we ease into it, I find losing myself into the moment. The sex is good, but it gets done quickly. I know because he comes quickly and lies panting.

"Wow." He says, "that was great, thanks."

He makes it sound like a transaction.

I am surprised when he gets up in a few minutes and starts dressing himself. He winks at me. "So, I'll see you around?" and he picks up his wallet and is out of the door before I can even process what just happened.

I jump off my bed and have a quick shower in my even tinier bathroom. I feel different, awkward and even used. But I felt oddly good, like someone still wanted me.

Sex with Rudy continued like this for a good month. But we also hung out, and I felt like the cool girl for once. The girl with the older, more experienced boyfriend. I felt sexy and wanted. For some odd reason, I felt more confident, that Rudy choosing me over all the women out there made me feel so confident. I tried hard to pretend that I knew this was a short fling and he wasn't really my boyfriend, but then there wasn't anyone else in the picture.

Until there was.

It devastated me- when I read that text from Rudy.

Nope, sorry. I'm actually out with someone else tonight. You don't mind do you? x

I tried to act cool about it. When I look back at it now, I wish I had really been true to myself and gone out with Jake the bartender instead of shagging Rudy.

Something about nice guys? I can tell you all about it.

I remember making my way to the bar and making my way to Jake. At that very moment, I felt so alone, and the feeling was so sharp. Because I spent all my time fucking Rudy, I didn't really socialize. By now all the summer interns had grouped together making plans and I'm sitting at the counter moping with the bartender. Classic. Serves you right Leaf.

"Vodka soda?" Jake asks, and then he notices my pale appearance, "Whoa, whoa."

I sigh. "Actually, can I have a whisky sour? I don't even like vodka!"

We sit in silence as I slowly nurse my drink, and looking at the groups of animated people laughing.

"Rudy did a number on you too?" he asks softly

"Oh, is that a thing?" I say, and feel so stupid. I'm supposed to be a smart, mature, Pokémon researcher. Not some dumb girl who just makes off with any man who shows her a bit of attention.

Jake gives me a long look of pity, and at that moment, I feel very small. "Hey, this one is on the house."

"No." I say, getting a little angry, "I don't need the pity drinks."

He leans back in surprise, but quickly recovers. "Sure, of course."

"But," I say, softly this time, "Thanks."

He nods.

As I think about now, sitting in Ceylon Café waiting for Max and the unpacking of a whole set of different emotions, I don't think there is anything wrong about having flings- but I think I am incapable of not getting attached. I cannot mentally handle it. And that's okay. I've given myself a lot of time to figure out a lot of things, and while I don't have all the answers, I think I've gotten a lot better at my relationships. Like Hélène says, they're like different plants that require different methods of nurturing.

I also know that I wanted to feel differently because of how my previous relationship-with Max- had been. I had been convinced that of the friends turned into lovers foundation was solid for a relationship- but that needn't always be the case. With Rudy, it was an important revelation of how I couldn't handle unemotional physical relationships- for me the two did merge.

So, by all logic, this relationship with Henry should be the jackpot. I picked the nice guy. It should work out. No?

And yet, there's something about it that doesn't excite me. Maybe I'm rationalising this a tad too much, but I just don't feel it.

I'm pulled back into the present as Max approaches me and waves his hands in front of my face.

"Earth to Leaf." He says, before sitting in the chair in front of me.

"I was just lost in thought." I shrug, before regaining my composure and pushing the menu card towards him, "What would you like?"

"I've heard that the coffee here's great" he says, smiling. "What do you recommend?"

I smile softly. "I like their dark roast. It's what keeps me up most days."

"I thought Gary keeps you up most days." He wiggles his eyebrows, but I choose to ignore it.

"Well," I say, "he does seem to have a lot more comments on my drafts, but he's my supervisor after all."

We order coffee and silence descends over the table. I feel awkward, not really knowing what to say.

We do small talk over the weather in Unova. What he's upto.

Max chuckles, and I can sense he's as awkward as I am. I can see him fidgeting with his fingers under the table. I go for the plunge and see if I can ease the tension.

"So, what's the occasion Max?" I ask. Way to go Leaf. That'll surely help. Just a polite way of asking him why the hell he's here and what exactly he wants to talk about.

"I…" he starts, and I find myself looking at him expectedly.

"I really don't know where to start," he says, "but when I saw you at Ash's wedding, I realised how much I missed you."

Oh dear no. No, Max…..

"As a friend" he clarifies. "I mean you looked ….wow…in that dress" he says using air quotes, "but, I guess what I want to do is clear the air."

I'm in half a mind to burn that dress. It's given me more attention than I want.

"Now?" I ask, "I mean, it's been years, Max. I'm not exactly sure what you want to clear up."

"I guess it's my way of apologising" he says, letting out a sigh, and then looking at me, "I know you went through a bit after we broke up-"

"Max," I interrupt him, "It wasn't your fault you know?" I try to look at him but he's fidgeting with his coffee mug. He feels guilty.

"Are you in love with someone?" I ask,

At this, Max laughs- a real, loud, carefree laugh. "And this," he says, "is exactly why I've missed you Leaf. I won't even ask how you know."

"Well," I say, "Old habits die hard."

"Not as much a habit as a personality trait."

"I'm a woman of many traits." I retort "So, who's this?"

"Who?"

"The love of your life." I say, "Do you think it's got to do with Dr. Willow's new project?"

"I mean," he says, "Of course. It's not exactly risk-free you know?"

I nod as a gesture for him to continue.

" I don't even know what this new project is about." He says, "But Willow's quite keen on Gary taking a lead on the whole thing, especially how he handled the Team Galactic crisis."

And for the first time it hits me- this might be huge for Gary- maybe something that he was always meant to do. With just training or just researching he was a bit neither here nor there. This was just

Perfect.

"Really?" I manage, "But do you really think it'll be dangerous?"

He shurgs, "While it does sound exciting, it's still, for the lack of better categorisation, intelligence and counter-terrorism if you like. We're literally stalking and fighting bad guys. It's really great though."

I push my thoughts on Gary aside and focus on what Max's trying to say to me.

"What are you worried about?"

"Leaf," he says, and I know he's now getting to the important part- of why he actually called me here.

"I'm not sure if I should put everything at risk for something I'm not sure of- I mean I know it's a great cause, but I'm not passionate about it. I'd want to be involved in other ways."

"There's your answer, Max."

He gives me a tight smile.

"But, you don't seem too happy?" I prod a little, "Are you disappointed?"

"My girlfriend's pregnant." He says, "I didn't want to tell you, but-"

"Congratulations!" I say, amused and shocked, while still trying to process that Max was going to be a father. Whoa whoa whoa.

"Thanks," he says, "not an ideal situation since we're so young, but- it's not like it was planned or anything, but she wants to have the baby and I… I'll support that."

"It's the right thing to do Max." I say, quietly. "I suppose you want to keep this quiet huh? But maybe… maybe you can find something not as "out there in the field"? I'm sure Willow can figure something out."

"I guess…" Max says, "Look it's not like I'm not ecstatic about this child-believe me, I actually am. May's so happy to be an aunt."

"But you're worried, " I finish, "that's quite natural if you ask me."

"Yeah," he says, and an almost calming silence falls over the table and I look out of the window processing the whole conversation. It's already early March and I can see little sprigs of flowers breaking out on barren trees.

Max is going to be a father.

Look at where we are.

How far we are.

It's an odd feeling, a mixture of happiness for Max and a sort of sadness that comes from nostalgia. I can't quite describe it but it seems to feel quite spiritual in a way.

Max breaks the silence by asking "Well, didn't expect that gloom on your day off did you?"

"Well," I smile, "not really. But I really am happy for you. I know we've grown distant since we broke up, but I also think we've both grown so much. I mean, look at you!" I laugh

"And look at you!" he retorts, "I have been meaning to ask though, Natalie read the magazine you were featured in and asked me, quite pointedly if I may add, "You dated her? Really? Max you're joking"?"

"Oh gosh" I say, and cover my face in my hands, "That was so embarrassing. I am not used to attention like Hélène is. Besides, that interview is supposed to be about her!"

"You definitely don't want to hear this," he says, "but you're also featured in quite a lot of men's magazines"

"No way." I say, "I thought those were reserved for the Waterflower sisters. I don't even want to look."

Max grins. "But what I really want to ask is how are you Leaf. Apart from being brilliant and taking on the research world."

I snort. "Nothing really. I've recently started dating someone, so that's the only update."

"Really?" Max asks, amused, "who?"

"This Pokémon doctor named Henry Whitford. He works with Daisy at the hospital here."

"Oooooh. A doctor. Fancy Leaf" Max teases, "How's that going?"

"Good." I say, I think? "He's really nice."

Again, I feel disappointed when I say that. I've supposedly snapped up a great match and he's perfect and everything. But why don't I feel excited about it?

"I'm glad." Max says, "You really deserve to be happy Leaf, and I mean that. I know you probably don't look at our relationship very fondly….."

"Actually, I do." I say suddenly, interrupting him and surprising myself more than Max, "Look," I say, looking at him seriously, straight in the eye, ignoring the nervous pit forming in my stomach, but needing to get out what had to be said a very long time coming, "at that time I really hated myself for "ruining" things," I pause, making the gesture with my hands, "but what's happened has happened. We did have some good times- and hey, I think it was important in us growing up as well, you know."

As I say this, I realise that perhaps, all this time, I wasn't holding on to Max or the past or the relationship, but merely the idea of what our relationship should have been. The guilt dissipates almost immediately, so suddenly, that I snort, almost breaking out into laughter, but hold back just in time to look up to see Max's expression.

He's looking at me differently, tenderly almost, with a fondness that is not romantic, but of affection. I feel it too.

After a silence that feels forever, Max finally looks up to me. "Thank you" he says softly.

I thank myself as well.