A/N - Thank you all so much for your kind reviews - This story is my baby and I'm really enjoying writing it. It's giving me back the passion that i was missing so I'm glad it's being received well xx
She took a big mouthful of wine, swallowed thickly and began…
"I have so much to say yet I don't know where to start or how much to divulge. There are a million different thoughts and feelings flying around in my head and I can't seem to hold onto a single one of them for long enough to get a handle on it all." Elizabeth shook her head "I must sound absolutely insane right now."
Henry smiled "If you'd met my family, you'd realise insanity is definitely something I'm accustomed to and trust me - You're perfectly normal."
"I feel anything but normal. I'm losing all rational thought and drowning in emotion. I want to fight my way to the surface but it's like everything I'm trying to run from catches up with me and drags me back down."
"I don't want you to talk about anything that will distress you, Elizabeth. I came here to see if you were okay - Not cause you more upset."
Elizabeth dragged her fingers through her hair and bit the bullet - If she was going to finally open up to Henry, she had to stop dancing around the crux of the issue and finally be honest with him.
"I appreciate your concern Henry - But I can't move forwards until I confront my past and telling you may be the first step I need."
"Then take your time. I will sit here with you and listen for as long as you want me to."
"Ok! I was recruited for the CIA straight out of college. It was never something I held deep aspirations for - It just kinda found me and once it had, I realised that it suited me perfectly. I loved the way it challenged me in so many different ways and I was helping to make a difference in a world that held so little hope for me."
Henry wanted to ask her why - But was loathed to interrupt her, so continued to listen.
"Once I was ensconced in the company, I was dead set on climbing the ladder - I wanted to push myself to achieve all that I possibly could. I guess I was cutthroat at times - I mean, my nickname was 'The Ice Queen' for god sake. But you know what - I liked it! I was good at my job and I was forging a career that would really take me places. I had no desire to get bogged down by love and relationships - That kind of thing didn't fit in with my plan."
When she paused, Henry took the opportunity to ask "Were you not lonely?"
Elizabeth shook her head "I was far too focussed and the deeper I immersed myself in the job - The more blinkered I became. I had needs and desires like everyone else but in a predominantly male environment, casual sex was pretty easy to come by."
Henry shifted uneasily in his seat and felt himself blush when Elizabeth held his gaze.
"Are you shocked that I had sex at all or just that I'm so upfront about it, Henry?"
"I'm — I don't have a formed opinion — Please, carry on."
"Anyway - My life was exactly the way I wanted it and then I met Ethan and everything turned on its axis and completely floored me."
Elizabeth took another large mouthful of wine and continued.
"He was brought in from another department to share intel on a target we were tracking. My god - I never thought it was possible to instantly feel that kind of deep rooted attraction to someone. He was undeniably gorgeous, but his intelligence and tenacity were what really drew me to him. He was as focussed on his career as I was - And yet, once we started dating we both fell head first down a rabbit hole that neither one of us wanted to get out of. It was passionate and volatile at times but our love for each other was always at the forefront of everything."
Henry could see the emotions written all over Elizabeth's face, so he gently took hold of her hand, urging her to continue without needing to utter a word.
"He took me to Paris for our two year anniversary and proposed at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I was happier than I ever thought possible and I felt like all of my stars were finally starting to align." Elizabeth wiped a stray tear from her cheek and took a minute to settle her emotions before she forged ahead.
"We decided on a fall wedding in Virginia! It was our home and everything we loved was here. The vibrant colours of the trees, the majestic beauty of the architecture and the stunning little church not far from the home I grew up in - It was all planned out so perfectly!"
Elizabeth took a shuddering breath "The week before the wedding, Ethan, along with a small team of agents, flew out to Basrah to follow up on a strong lead. We had been putting in eighteen hour days on this situation and we couldn't let such an important breakthrough slip away. It was supposed to be a three day turn around - Low risk. I was running the op and should have been part of the team sent out - By my own admission I was the best interrogator they had - But Ethan made a compelling case for me to stay behind, to deal with all the last minute wedding paraphernalia, so I agreed! It was going to be a cakewalk anyway so it made sense for one of us to —-."
Elizabeth shook her head, her emotions catching up with her "It made sense for me to run the op from here. I had no reason to be preemptive of anything going wrong - It was all too easy - And I should have known! - I should have paid more attention to my instincts than to the stupid wedding —-."
Henry studied Elizabeth as she spoke and the pain radiating from her was palpable. "What happened?"
The breath caught in Elizabeth's throat "We were all certain — I was certain that the information we had was credible enough to make a move - But it was all a setup! An elaborate ruse that I should have seen coming. And when they went in —-."
A sob escaped Elizabeth that was so gut wrenching, so pained it made Henry's breath leave his lungs.
"It all happened in slow motion — And the sound of that explosion will stay with me for the rest of my life. I had to watch on a goddamn screen as the love of my life took his last breath and it was all my fault."
Henry wrapped his arms around Elizabeth "Oh god — I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry Elizabeth."
"If I had been more focussed on my job, read between the lines rather than worrying about wedding cakes and seating charts — It would never have happened."
Her deep sobs continued as she desperately tried to compose herself enough to carry on. She'd got this far and needed to continue - Not just for Henry's sake, but for her own too.
"Their blood — Ethan's blood is on my hands, Henry and I can't live with it."
"It wasn't your fault! You said yourself that everyone had the same opinion — It was safe! What could you have done differently?" Henry had listened, he had taken in everything Elizabeth was saying, but he couldn't sit there and let her blame herself. "You have to know that the responsibility does not lie at your feet."
Elizabeth looked at him "I should have gone! It should have been me."
"Don't say that and don't ever think it - If you'd have gone you would have lost your life too."
"A part of me died that day anyway Henry - And every day since."
"I'm guessing that's why you quit the CIA?"
Elizabeth nodded "I wasn't good enough! I didn't do my job to the best of my ability and people died because of it! Ethan died because of it — I just couldn't do it anymore."
"And this past week —-?"
"Last Friday was four years ago to the day that I lost Ethan and Yesterday was what would have been our wedding date. The more I try to move forwards, the more it grabs hold of me and it's like I'm stuck in quicksand - I can't find my footing or hold onto anything."
"You can hold onto me - I want to be here for you."
"I don't trust people easily - So leaning on anyone doesn't come naturally to me."
"How about your family? Have they not been supportive?"
Elizabeth let out a throaty huff of a laugh "I guess I might as well tell you everything - My parents both died in a head on collision when I was fifteen. I wasn't there for that either — Sensing a pattern here? The hits just keeeep on coming, right?!"
"Elizabeth —."
"I've had a little longer to work through that but it never really gets any easier."
"And your brother?"
"How did you know —-?"
Henry pointed to the picture on her desk "I just assumed, maybe wrongly?"
"Nice investigative skills Henry! Will and I were shipped off to boarding school at the first opportunity my aunt had — And my little brother found a way to live his life without me in it. I don't have a good track record when it comes to the people I love — They all leave one way or another."
Henry felt as if he'd been suckerpunched in the gut. He knew there was far more going on with Elizabeth than anyone could have realised, but he could never have imagined just what she had been through. It was more than most people should ever have to face in a whole lifetime and his heart broke for her.
"I don't think there is anything I can say right now that won't sound trite. I want to comfort you but I don't want it to seem like pity. What you've had to endure in your life is horrifying on so many levels and yet you still find a way to keep going."
"And yet it always sounds like pity, doesn't it?!"
"It's not pity I feel for you Elizabeth — It's pure admiration and awe."
"Admiration? How can you possibly feel that way? I may not have been the one to detonate that bomb, but I am every bit as responsible for the outcome. Can't you see that? Did you not hear what I told you?" Elizabeth's agitation was growing.
"I heard every word you said and I feel honoured that you trusted me enough to confide in me. But I cannot sit here and let you tear yourself to shreds over something that was never your fault — I think you've been doing that for long enough."
"You don't understand — You weren't there Henry."
" No, i wasn't but you cannot blame yourself for the heinous actions of another —-."
"I KILLED HIM!." Elizabeth pushed herself up from the couch and paced around the room, her fists clenched in anger "I was so preoccupied with having the perfect wedding — I didn't realise that the only thing that I ever needed to make it perfect was Ethan." Elizabeth's tone softened "From the moment we met, he always said the same thing to me. He would look at me with such sincerity and tell me 'You're so beautiful, Elizabeth' . It was the last thing he said to me before he left for Basrah and I can still hear his voice everywhere I go."
She walked over to her desk and lifted the frame that was lying face down "This is the only picture I can bear to look at now — And even this gets too hard sometimes."
Henry took the picture from her hands and had never seen anyone look as happy as Elizabeth did — A beautiful moment captured forever between her and Ethan — A future they would never get to have together immortalised in a single photograph.
He got up from the couch, placed the photo frame back on Elizabeth's desk and without saying a word, enveloped her in his arms and held on tight. He had no words of comfort or platitude, no way to erase the pain she was feeling — But he could make damn sure she knew she wasn't alone in this any longer. He would be there for her in any way she needed and if that brought her even the smallest amount of peace, then he would move heaven and earth to do it.
They stood in silence for the longest time, Henry's arms never loosening, not even a little. Her tears were the only sound and Henry couldn't help but shed a few of his own — Sorrow for everything Elizabeth had been through and was still drowning in. She had faced the very worst of life and had to do it alone - But not any more.
When Elizabeth finally withdrew from Henry's embrace, she wiped her cheeks with the cuffs of her sweatshirt and sighed "I bet you're so glad you knocked on my door today. I'm sorry Henry."
Henry smiled "I am actually. Thank you for trusting me with your pain."
"I don't understand?"
"Allowing someone to see the pain you're in takes a vulnerability that very few people are comfortable with. It's always easier to put on a mask and face the world with a smile because then you don't have to allow that pain to seep into every aspect of your life — The problem is, it always does and then it gets harder and harder to disguise. But now that you've shared that pain with me — I can help."
"I'm not sure anyone can help - But I'm grateful you're here! I know you must have a whole load of questions and I want to answer them, I really do - But I feel exhausted and right now, I just want to do something where I don't have to think or feel - Fancy watching a movie?"
"I don't want to outstay my welcome."
"I don't want you to go - Please stay?"
"Of course! You can even use me as a footrest if you so desire." Henry sat back in the corner of the couch and waited for Elizabeth's feet to land in his lap.
Elizabeth had other ideas though "You don't mind if I use you as a pillow instead, do you?" Her head rested against Henry's chest and she only made it halfway through the film before falling asleep.
Henry pulled the blanket from the back of the couch and covered her over. "You sleep now, Elizabeth - I'm here, I'll always be here. I've got you."
He attempted to move himself without waking her, but when she tightened her grip, he settled back down and closed his eyes. There was nowhere else he would rather be than with her anyway - That he was certain of.