Notes: this was supposed to be posted for kuzuhina day on the 17th but oops that didn't happen.
I know I said in the last chapter that updates should be faster because I pretty much had the rest of the fic drafted, but actually this MASSIVE chapter was not drafted nor even conceived of when I posted the last one. I think it all works better with this chapter here, though—and while, in retrospect, I maybe could have cut it in half and made it two chapters and updated sooner, when I reached around page 7 I literally tweeted "I have about five pages left," not realizing it would be closer to 15 pages lmfao. So anyway I hope you enjoy!
Waiting for Rainbows
Chapter 23: That we've always been free, no matter where we are
The ziplock bag containing the wig made a soft fwump against the back of the locker before sliding down to the bottom and settling upon the partition above the shoe cubby.
Hinata stared at the bag blankly, finding the minimal feedback from his frustrated throw far from satisfying. He hadn't meant to bring the wig with him to work, really; he had simply forgotten to remove it from his shoulder bag the night before. But upon spotting it in there when arriving at the koban, he certainly didn't want to have to bring it back home, to look at it, to remember all of the maddening bullshit Komaeda had said to Izuru Kamukura.
Of course, he didn't want to have to see it every time he opened his locker, either. He glanced around the locker room, quickly locating an old T-shirt he had left behind months or years earlier and piled it on top of the wig, ensuring that it was safely out of view.
Right. It wasn't a long-term solution, but at least for the time being he could pretend that he had forgotten about it, like a child lacking object permanence.
He chose not to dwell too long on how pathetic he was being.
With a sigh, Hinata slammed the locker door shut and turned to make his way to the front room, where Kirigiri was leafing through the notices and alerts that had arrived on their fax machine overnight.
"Morning, Sempai," he muttered.
Kirigiri glanced over the papers at him, handing over the ones that she had already finished perusing. "Good morning. In a particularly bad mood today?"
Chuckling darkly, Hinata scanned the papers, finding that his eyes were searching for anything hinting towards a mysterious group causing trouble at underground gambling parlors. There was nothing, of course. "Does it look like I am?"
His senior officer gave him quite an unimpressed look, but before she could say anything further there was the shrill sound of a ringtone, and Hinata jumped.
"Ah, sorry," he mumbled, pulling out his cell phone. "I forgot to put it on silent... uh..." He faltered when he saw the name on the screen. Kuzuryu...
Kirigiri silently gathered the papers into her gloved hands again. "You can answer it," she said simply. "Just finish up before we open. You have ten minutes."
"Ah, right... thanks..." After a brief pause, he accepted the call and put the phone to his ear, a bit taken aback by his own hesitation.
It certainly wasn't for lack of affection, but right then, he didn't exactly want to speak to his boyfriend.
"...Hinata? You there?" came Kuzuryu's voice when Hinata hadn't said anything in greeting.
"Huh? Oh, yeah." Hinata laughed nervously. "Yeah, I'm here. Hi. What's up?"
"Is now a bad time? We can talk later instead if you want."
"Uh, no, not really, I mean— well, kinda, I guess," Hinata said, stumbling over his words. "It's just, I only have a little bit of time right now, and you're so busy with Clan stuff, so I don't want to keep you from—"
"Dumbass," Kuzuryu cut in. "Like hell I'm busy, I just woke up. Haven't even gotten out of my futon yet. But you're acting weird, and that text you sent me didn't explain shit. What have you been getting up to?"
Hinata's fingers clenched around the phone. "Like I said, just... don't worry about it. I'm not going back."
"Doesn't explain why you even went in the first place."
"I was..." Hinata glanced at Kirigiri setting up for the day, who could clearly hear Hinata's side of the conversation despite her best efforts to block him out. "I can't... talk about that right now."
"But you'll tell me later."
Hinata's throat closed up; he wasn't sure what to say about that. He certainly didn't want to keep secrets from his boyfriend—they should have long since passed the point in their relationship where that would be necessary. And yet, to discuss the casino, even just to explain the reason why he had gone there, would require reflecting on everything that had happened in the embassy's basement.
What Komaeda had said to him, the thoughts that he had planted in Hinata's head, were so maddening, so infuriating... he didn't want to replay them in his own head, to relive hearing them again. Moreover, he didn't want to let Kuzuryu have to hear them, too.
Hinata grit his teeth. The lasting effects of Komaeda's malice were that, despite his efforts to gather information for Kuzuryu's sake, relaying anything that horrible man had said might just do more harm than good. If anything, the best use he could be to Kuzuryu in that situation was keeping quiet and protecting him from feeling the same hurt that Hinata felt.
But perhaps even that wasn't going to be possible.
"I'll... talk to you later," he conceded lamely, choosing not to clarify what he would or wouldn't talk about.
Kuzuryu made a grunting noise in acknowledgement, clearly still dissatisfied in a way that went beyond early morning grumpiness.
"Yeah, so..." Hinata glanced at Kirigiri again, who was pointedly looking at her watch. "The koban's about to open, so I should hang up now. I'll see you later? After I get off work tomorrow?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Right. See you." Hinata faltered for just an instant before appending, "Love you."
On the other end of the line, Kuzuryu gave a surprised hiss of air, then mumbled, "That's underhanded. Dumbass."
Letting some of his anxiety escape in the form of light laughter, Hinata heard the line click dead before lowering the phone from his own ear, turning it on silent, and then tucking it back into his pocket.
Upon raising his gaze, he saw that Kirigiri had also turned her attention away from her watch, instead pinning Hinata with a contemplative stare, an eyebrow quirked in muted amusement. Hinata frowned. "What is it?"
"You two have gotten quite domestic with each other, haven't you?"
Realizing what part of the conversation she must have overheard to make such a statement, Hinata flushed, turning back towards the desk and feigning a second look at the faxes. "Was just saying the truth," he muttered.
"Hmm, yes." He could feel his senior officer's gaze still boring into his back, and sure enough, she soon spoke up again. "Setagaya Ward did legalize civil unions for same-sex couples not too long ago, so were you planning to—"
She was cut off by the sound of the stack of papers falling from Hinata's hands onto the floor.
"Too soon?" Kirigiri asked, amusement tingeing her voice. "I've heard that six months is about how long it takes to decide if a partner is marriage material, but..."
"Th-that's..." Hinata stooped to pick up the papers, his cheeks aflame. It wasn't that he hadn't considered the possibilities for his future with Kuzuryu. It had become one of his favorite fantasies in recent months, waking up by his side on Saturday mornings and imagining a world where he could do the same every other day of the week, too. But that's all it was at the moment—a fantasy.
How could he seriously consider the future for both of them when he still had no idea where he wanted to take himself?
He did want to be with Kuzuryu. He was certain of that. But throwing away all else when that was the only thing he knew he wanted—just freeloading off the Kuzuryu family for the sake of being with him... That wasn't helpful. It wasn't useful.
Hinata had to figure himself out first.
He placed the papers back on the desk and, after taking a deep breath, he turned back to his sempai with a light chuckle. "I mean, what kind of cop would I be if I married into a yakuza clan, you know?"
Despite Hinata's attempt at levity, Kirigiri's expression sobered. "I see. So you're still set on pretending that matters to you." She sighed and tossed her braid over her shoulder as she turned towards the koban door. "You did promise to turn in your badge as soon as you gave that up, after all. In that case, let's get to work, Hinata-kun."
Ice settled in the pit of Hinata's stomach as he watched Kirigiri leave for her rounds. He wasn't still pretending—he knew full well that he wasn't long for the police force. And he knew that he was reneging on his promise to turn in his badge immediately.
But while his thoughts and options were still such a blur, he needed something concrete to grip on to. Something that wasn't so dependent on Kuzuryu.
For the time being, that badge was the most independent stability that he had.
It was a tough day, one that only got tougher as it wore on. It was amazing, Hinata thought, how exhausting it could be just to think. Thinking about his options. Thinking about his future. Thinking about drill books and wigs and cups and badges and cards and sunflowers. Thinking about Kirigiri's words, and pointedly trying to not think about Komaeda's.
It was like he was approaching a fork in the road with countless branching paths, all obscured by a thick dust cloud that he couldn't bring himself to step into, lest he stumble over one of the many roadblocks he knew had to be hiding within. And yet, simply standing there considering his options while the encroaching dust began to creep into his windpipe wasn't doing any good to him, either.
While his entire being screamed at him to retreat into comfort before he could suffocate, he knew that he couldn't. He knew better than to allow that of himself, and certainly Kuzuryu wouldn't allow it, either.
Still... still. A little bit of respite wouldn't be so bad. Just for a bit. At the very least, he wished he hadn't all but pushed Kuzuryu away during their phone call that morning.
It wasn't in quite the form he had wanted, but some of that respite came around 5 o'clock that evening.
"Feel free to clock out early, Hinata-kun," Kirigiri had said breezily as soon as he had returned from the afternoon rounds, which had been little more than Hinata's feet moving around town on autopilot. "I can handle the rest from here."
Kirigiri rarely dismissed him for no reason. Perhaps she thought that their discussion in the morning had rattled him too much and felt bad, or, perhaps, she was annoyed by how useless he was being and simply wanted him gone.
He wished he could tell what the real reason was, but no matter how well he ever thought he came to know his senior officer, he was always reminded of how efficiently she could hide her feelings when she wanted to.
She was probably trying to be kind. Maybe. At the same time, surely she realized that that uncertainty only added to the questions that he would take home to ponder well into the night. It was a little relieving that he was free to stress out without being on the clock, but he was still going to stress all the same.
"All right there, Hinata?"
Hinata blinked, startled from his thoughts, and looked up at the hulking man sitting across the table from him. "Ah... yeah, I'm fine. Thanks, Nidai."
"You sure?" Nidai bent in closer, peering carefully as he rubbed his beard in thought. "You're looking a little pale, there."
Laughing nervously, Hinata backed away just enough to give himself some room without causing offense. He didn't socialize with the gym teacher very often, but as Nidai was also without his usual dinner partner—the elementary school's sports festival that weekend had Owari staying at work late into the night—and Hinata was in need of some supportive companionship, it seemed like the natural course of action. "I'm fine," he assured again. "Just, you know... thinking about a lot of things. It's no physical ailment or anything, trust me."
Nidai hummed thoughtfully a moment longer before leaning back into his seat. "Well, don't underestimate how quickly these things can turn physical. Stress can literally eat you alive if you let it." Despite his concern, a grin began to creep across his face. "Hey, if you're up for a massage, just let me know! I can have you feeling good and relaxed in no time!"
Hinata laughed good-naturedly. "I dunno about that..." He had heard Owari raving more than once about how effective Nidai's massages were, so he couldn't completely discount the idea. Still, those weren't exactly the hands he was craving to have on him at that moment.
"Well if you change your mind, I'm your man!" Nidai flexed his right hand, a twinkle in his eye as he spoke. "It's the least I can do to thank you for keeping the peace around here."
Brought down again, just slightly, at the mention of the job that he realistically wasn't long for, Hinata scrambled for something else to talk about. "Um... those massages, by the way," he tried, somewhat taken in by the way Nidai regarded his own hands. "You don't give them to your baseball team too, do you? Just curious."
Nidai's expression softened and he looked away from his hand, busying it with grabbing his glass of beer instead. "Nah. I can ease a strained hamstring or two, but beyond that I can't touch 'em. They're students."
Hinata took a sip of his own barely-touched beer before continuing. "You wanted to be an Olympic coach, right? But now you can't even use the full extent of your skills, so don't you regret—"
"Hold it, Hinata," Nidai cut in, holding up a massive hand. "I'm going to stop you right there."
Hinata tried not to cower as he put his beer down. He knew full well that Nidai was as nice as they came, but his sheer size could still be intimidating. "Ah... sorry."
"Don't apologize." Nidai shook his head, chuckling. "You're not in the wrong for asking. It's true that it hurts, sometimes, to see the kids sore and in pain after working so hard, and not being able to do anything about that myself. All I can do is give them specific instructions on what treatment to seek with their parents' approval. And sure, working with high school kids isn't what I thought I'd be doing with a sports science degree when I was a student myself."
Hinata's brow furrowed. "So then—"
"But," Nidai cut in again, "'regret' is a word that I would never use to describe my life. Ever."
Hinata was taken aback by the expression on Nidai's face. He was a passionate man even at his calmest, but the ardor in his eyes then was unlike anything Hinata had seen from him before. "Not even a little?"
"I swear," Nidai said, pouding an open hand upon his own chest, "even if this heart of mine were to explode tonight and I don't wake up to see another morning, I would never regret having devoted my life to those kids." He paused, then barked out a short laugh. "Well, I guess I would regret not getting them to Koshien yet, though!"
The seriousness of the conversation broken for the moment, Hinata was able to look away from Nidai and poke absently at his yakitori with a skewer. "So you're not settling for something less, just a little different," he muttered, remembering his conversation with Koizumi those few months earlier. Despite essentially being the one receiving reassurance this time, though, he couldn't help feeling somewhat disconnected, struggling to find how it could possibly apply to him. "So aiming for a national competition instead of an international one isn't any less meaningful, is what you're saying?"
"It's not the size of the stage that matters," Nidai insisted with a shake of his head, then took a sip of his beer before continuing. "Hinata, they may not be Olympians, but I love those kids. That's what makes it all worthwhile."
Hinata looked up at Nidai again, feeling like something had almost—almost—clicked. Like he was coming tantalizingly close to fitting a final puzzle piece. "That's... all it is? Love?"
"What else is needed, really?" Nidai said with a shrug. "If you're using skills and knowledge that you're passionate about for the sake of people who are important to you, then what greater happiness could there be? You don't even have to look that hard for someone to care about—I'm sure, if I had made it to the Olympic level, I'd love whatever athlete the same as I love my students now. But that's the hand that life dealt me, so I'm not going to question and resent it." Nidai grinned then, resting his forearms on the table to lean in a bit closer. "So who is it you love, Hinata? Don't tell me it's all of us here in Kibougaoka?"
Hinata gaped, his mind struggling to process the new context. The people of Kibougaoka? No, that was... well, yes, perhaps it had been at one time. He supposed that must have been how he had been content enough for two and half years: because he had genuinely come to care for the people, despite the job itself not being one he was particularly thrilled about. And he still did care for the people of Kibougaoka, of course, but now the one that he loved the most... that was Kuzuryu, no question. It wasn't the kind of love that a cop feels for townspeople, that a coach feels for an athlete, that a teacher feels for their students; his love for Kuzuryu was world-rendingly romantic.
Enough so that he couldn't possibly convince himself he was still content with continuing the way he had, in a job that, if anything, only inconvenienced both Kuzuryu and himself. But a way to transform sheer love into professional fulfillment? Well, that was the problem, wasn't it? There was otherwise nothing useful about him.
No, there was. He shook his head, fighting back a frustrated growl. He couldn't let what Komaeda said get to him. Even if he wasn't useful to Kuzuryu now, there had to be some way to become useful.
There had to be some way. For the sake of someone important to him.
Skills and knowledge that he's passionate about.
Not settling for less, just a little different.
For the sake of the person he loves—
"Is Hinata in here?!"
The clattering of the door opening followed by that voice jolted Hinata from his thoughts, but at first he didn't entirely believe the identity of its source. He had to be projecting, some sort of auditory illusion born from Hinata's desperation and the topic of love, but unless his eyes were playing tricks on him as well then that was, indeed, Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu standing just inside the izakaya entrance.
"There you are," the blond huffed, stepping into the dining room. "You're usually still at the koban around now, but only Kirigiri was there, and you weren't reading your texts either..."
Hinata slowly stood up. Whatever thoughts he had had early that morning of keeping some distance to avoid an unpleasant discussion were entirely gone. All he knew, all he cared to think about, all he needed to think about, finally, was that Kuzuryu was there and in just a few strides Hinata could have the other man in his arms.
So he took those few strides and did just that.
"Hinata?" Kuzuryu muttered against his shoulder as all other sounds seemed to melt away. "You okay? You really are in a funk, huh."
His voice was tinged with confusion and concern, but Hinata still wasn't confident that he could say anything to improve the situation. "Sorry, just..." In lieu of any vocal reassurance, he more securely locked his arms around Kuzuryu's waist, pulling him snugly against his chest. "I guess I needed you to just be here."
Kuzuryu huffed a soft laugh. "Don't apologize for that, dumbass."
A wolf whistle cut through Hinata's consciousness, courtesy of Hanamura, and he numbly realized that the silence hadn't only been in his mind. The izakaya, even in reality, had fallen quiet.
Andoh sighed indifferently. "I guess that explains some things."
"A bond forged under the dark veil of secrecy," Tanaka agreed.
"Hey," Kuzuryu hissed, pulling away but keeping a grounding hand on Hinata's wrist. "Wanna go somewhere else for tonight?"
"Uh, sure," Hinata agreed, ready to follow Kuzuryu out of the restaurant, but finally he managed to fully register something outside of their little world. "Wait a second, my bill—"
Even as he turned back to the table, Nidai waved him off. "Hey, it's on me tonight!" he assured with a grin. "Remember, though: a massage does wonders!"
Hinata faltered, but an insistent tug on his wrist pulled him back to reality and he gave a thankful nod of his head before following Kuzuryu onto the street.
As should have been expected, Pekoyama was just outside the entrance, looking up from her phone to give Hinata a curt nod when they emerged. "So he was right where Kirigiri said he'd be. I told you you had nothing to worry about, Young Master."
"Oh, shut it," Kuzuryu muttered, his face turning just slightly pinker under the streetlamps as he ushered them all into the car waiting down the street.
With the car door shut behind them and the car pulling out into the darkened streets, Hinata sighed and squeezed Kuzuryu's hand in his own, shifting on the seat to lean comfortably against the yakuza's side. "Sorry."
"I told you not to apologize." Kuzuryu used his free hand to lightly knock him upside the head, though there was no real force behind it. "Do you even know what you're apologizing for?"
Hinata considered; if anything, he had too much to apologize for. For ignoring his phone for a few hours, for keeping silent about Komaeda, for having no idea what to do with himself, for being overall pathetic... though he supposed he couldn't pinpoint which single one applied to that specific moment. "I guess not," he muttered, slouching down to relax his head on Kuzuryu's shoulder. "But... thanks. I wanted to see you."
"Jeez." Running his fingers through Hinata's hair, Kuzuryu clicked his tongue lightly. "You really are going through some shit, huh? You're not usually this needy."
Needy... Hearing that annoyed Hinata a bit; hadn't he just resolved, earlier that day, not to depend on his boyfriend so much? More annoying, though, was that he couldn't even refute it. He was frustrated, confused, and lost, and at that moment the only saving grace was that there was at least one thing, one person in his life that he knew was just right.
Unsure of how to vocalize that, Hinata settled with pulling the blond into a kiss, and for at least an instant the world seemed to fit back into place.
It was some moments later when they pulled apart for air that he had an abrupt realization. "I just outed us to the whole town, didn't I?"
Kuzuryu snorted, placing an affirming hand atop Hinata's head. "Fuck them. If they try to pull anything, I'll burn that damned restaurant to the ground."
"Don't do that..."
"Did you need me to silence someone?" Pekoyama spoke up then, her crimson gaze gleaming from over the front passenger seat.
"Seriously, please don't."
"It's fine." Kuzuryu shrugged. "All the better, really. Now they know you're mine."
That statement managed to startle a laugh from Hinata's throat, the first in what must have been days. In response, he took Kuzuryu into his arms again, peppering kisses wherever his lips could reach.
Engrossed as they were in exchanging affections, it took Hinata perhaps a bit longer than necessary to notice the increasing volume of lights passing outside the car. That was strange; if they were headed towards the Kuzuryu household, into the outskirts of the city, the lights should be growing sparser, not the opposite.
"Uhh, Kuzuryu?" he said hesitantly when he spotted the iconic clutter of buildings outside Shibuya Station flash past the window. "Where are we going...?"
"I booked us a hotel room," the shorter man said simply.
"I mean, I gathered that, but why not closer to Ome?"
"This way it'll be easier for you to commute tomorrow."
Hinata supposed that made sense, and he wasn't about to argue against an extra hour in bed with his lover in the morning.
But then they breezed past an exit for Roppongi and Aoyama, which only served to drive home the point that they were heading into the absolute highest-cost areas of Tokyo. "Kuzuryu...?!"
The blond gave a devilish smile. "Just wait. You'll see."
The hotel was one Hinata was vaguely familiar with, he mused as he waited for Kuzuryu to finish at the check-in counter. The giant chandelier above the lobby definitely rang some bells, hundreds of delicate crystals glittering in the warm light that had most certainly left an impact on him sometime in the past.
Not that Hinata had ever stayed at the hotel himself, of course. No, he was fairly sure he had seen it on a news segment. One that featured the most expensive hotels in Tokyo.
"Hey, so we're all checked in." Kuzuryu sidled up to him easily, before honing in on the self-serve table offering all manner of amenities. "What color toothbrush do you want?"
"You're being awfully blasé about this," Hinata hissed. "How many tens of thousands of yen did you drop on a single night's stay?!"
Kuzuryu continued to fiddle with the freebies. "'s rude to ask how much a gift cost."
"There's no occasion that would require a gift!"
Sighing, Kuzuryu stuffed everything he had grabbed into his pocket and turned to face Hinata directly. "Look, just go with it, will you? And I guess I should let you know before we get up there, but I booked us a deluxe suite."
"I— You— What?!" Almost numb from the onslaught of surprises, he resignedly followed his boyfriend out of reception and into the elevator. "I don't suppose this was the only vacancy in Tokyo tonight...?"
"On a Thursday night?" Kuzuryu snorted and punched the button for their floor. "I highly fucking doubt it."
Some small part of Hinata's brain still didn't want to fully believe everything Kuzuryu was saying—a deluxe suite at a five-star hotel neighboring the Imperial Palace, apparently just because—but when they arrived at the room and Kuzuryu opened the door, he had no choice but to accept what he was seeing as real. The opulent furnishings, the kitchenette, the laundry nook, the additional doors leading to connecting dressing- and bathrooms, the far wall of the master bedroom that was less of a wall and more of a gigantic floor-to-ceiling window overlooking Hibiya Park... Kuzuryu really hadn't been kidding.
Hinata dropped his shoulder bag on the floor with a sigh. "Please at least tell me that no one had to give their life for this to happen."
"Of course not," Kuzuryu huffed, depositing the amenities he had collected on a bedside table before heading towards the bathroom and beckoning Hinata to follow. "Not directly, anyway. You wanna know what this is about? Come on, I'll show you."
The insinuation that there had actually been a reason behind the spontaneous indulgence was a bit comforting, and Hinata followed the shorter man into the bathroom, which was just as large and ornate as he would have expected.
"Now that's what I've been looking for!"
At those puzzling words, Kuzuryu took out his phone and began snapping pictures of the shiny white bathtub from every possible angle.
Hinata was fairly sure he had to be in some sort of fever dream.
"Um." He hesitated, unsure of how to even begin asking questions. "Is there something special about that bathtub...?"
"Yeah, it's exactly the kind of tub I've been looking for. You never know how hard it is to find one that'll fit two fully-grown men until you start looking for one, damn it."
...So Kuzuryu was in the market for a bathtub. That was fine, but Hinata couldn't help but feel like there were several more reasonable options for looking at samples before one would land on booking a luxury hotel suite. Couldn't he have toured a display home? Hell, they had even driven past at least one IKEA on the way there.
"The problem is that it's pretty much impossible to find a place outfitted with a big tub out in the suburbs," Kuzuryu continued, his eyes trained on his phone as he scrolled through his camera roll. "None of the places I've looked at so far have what I'm looking for, so I'm gonna have to get one installed myself. Pain in the ass."
Hinata blinked in surprise. "You're buying a house?"
"That's the plan." He placed his phone down by the sink and leaned back against the counter, shrugging. "Or at least a condo. It's a pain to come all the way to Setagaya every day, so something around there would be best. That's one of the things I've been so busy with lately, actually." His golden eyes turned up to meet Hinata's gaze. "You can move in with me, if you want. No pressure, but I figure you might wanna get out of bachelor housing anyway."
Hinata wanted to nod his head, to eagerly and immediately accept. His brain didn't seem to be cooperating, though, his mouth only flapping uselessly for a moment. When he managed to form words, they were, "Can I pay half the rent?"
Kuzuryu raised an eyebrow. His gaze had turned a touch cooler, calculating to some degree. "You're free to chip in on payment if you really want," he said slowly, carefully. "But I wasn't planning to rent. Once I found a place, I was just gonna buy it outright."
Hinata's throat knotted, and his hand fisted at the base of his chest. Buying a house... Hinata wasn't sure he could do that. He did have a few months' worth of salary saved up in case of emergencies, but that probably wasn't going to be enough to pay for half of a house, especially the kind of place that Kuzuryu was looking for. But living in a house that Kuzuryu provided him, freeloading off of him, relying on him with nothing to offer in return...
"Hey." A soft punch to his chest shocked Hinata from his thoughts, and he looked down to see Kuzuryu right in front of him, eyes searing. "Stop making that face, I can tell you're stressing over stupid stuff again."
Hinata frowned. "It's not stupid."
"Yeah, sure." He jabbed a thumb towards the bathtub. "Look, why don't we give that thing a try, yeah? You need to get relaxed and shit. I'll draw the water for you, so you get undressed and washed off."
"Oh, uh..." Hinata looked over Kuzuryu's shoulder at the bathtub. Now that it was being offered to him, it did look pretty inviting... "Yeah, okay."
As Kuzuryu busied himself with the bathtub, Hinata peeled off his clothing—sending a quick text to Sakakura about his absence before placing his phone next to Kuzuryu's—and then stepped into the shower in the corner of the bathroom.
After a quick wash to make sure he wasn't bringing grime into such a high-quality bathtub, Hinata stepped out of the shower, then paused as he took in his boyfriend's appearance. "Uh, Kuzuryu? Aren't you going to get undressed too?"
"Hmm?" Indeed, Kuzuryu was still clothed, standing purposefully next to the bathtub as the water faucet continued to run. The most he had done was shed his jacket and roll up his shirt sleeves. "Nah, the bath's just for you, at least for now. So go on, get in."
Hinata was skeptical. "Wasn't the whole point that there was enough room for both of us?"
"Fucking... I'll join you later, okay?" Kuzuryu took the few steps over to grab Hinata's bicep with a warm, wet hand. "Stop dawdling and just get in!"
"I- I'll get in! Stop dragging me, I'm gonna trip—!"
With a splash that was bigger than it should have been for a bath still barely two-thirds filled, Hinata half-stepped, half-stumbled into the tub.
"There we go." Kuzuryu situated himself on a stool aside one edge of the tub. "Now sit with your back to me. Over here."
"How am I supposed to relax if you keep ordering me around?" Hinata quipped, but he obediently situated himself as instructed regardless.
"Just trust me."
"I do."
There was a pause, and though he was facing away from the other, Hinata could have sworn he could hear Kuzuryu's face turning pink from the immediate, unfaltering assertion of faith. "W-well... good." After clearing his throat awkwardly, the blond leaned over and flipped a switch.
"Whoa!" Hinata jumped slightly as the spa jets lining the tub, the presence of which he had only been peripherally aware of, suddenly sprang to life. "Warn me when you do something like that!"
"Oh, come on. Didn't you just say you trust me?" Kuzuryu planted his hands on Hinata's shoulders, an action that seemed a bit pointless—despite his initial shock from the jets of water, Hinata wasn't about to try leaving the tub or anything—until those hands began to slowly move, squeezing, rubbing, kneading...
Hinata was dumbfounded for a moment. "Kuzuryu, are you—?"
A silent laugh puffed against the back of Hinata's neck. "Nidai said you should get a massage, didn't he? Figure I might as well oblige."
"O-oh..." Despite having been half-ready to take Nidai up on the offer earlier, there was something so much more intimate, more meaningful when it was Kuzuryu doing the massaging. Forcing down the blush that threatened to stain his cheeks, Hinata relaxed as best as he could, with the running faucet in his ears and Kuzuryu's palms on his skin. "Have you ever given someone a massage before?"
"You better not be saying I suck at it."
Hinata turned his gaze to the ceiling, making a show of considering his answer.
"Hinataaaa..." Fingertips dug fiercely into his shoulder, squeezing with bruising force.
"Ow, ow, I was kidding! Stop that, it actually hurts...!"
With a huff, Kuzuryu released his hold, switching to his palm to rub out any gouges left by his fingernails. "Ungrateful dumbass. See if I ever do anything like this for you again."
"Sorry. I really was kidding." He gave a soft smile and leaned comfortably against the edge of the tub, the spa jets massaging his lower back and legs while Kuzuryu worked his shoulders and upper torso. "It does feel good. Thanks."
Kuzusru scoffed but said nothing more, pulling a hand away for just a moment to close the tap before returning to work. They fell into silence, broken only by the occasional drip falling from the faucet into the full bathtub, echoing lightly against the ornate marble walls. With both mental and physical tension gradually melting away, Hinata fought to stay awake, to relish in the comforting sensations as long as possible.
Finally, as Kuzuryu moved his fingers to rub at Hinata's scalp, he spoke. "So..."
"Hmm?"
"You said you needed me to be here." Uncertain fingertips kneaded at Hinata's temples for a moment before moving away to rest at the nape of his neck again. "Does that mean I shouldn't ask you to talk, or...?"
Guilt knotted at the base of Hinata's throat. Kuzuryu wasn't demanding an explanation, but in a way, that almost made him feel even worse about staying quiet. "You were worried I went back to the casino tonight," he said, recognizing that hidden beneath the veil of Kuzuryu's frustration when he had entered Kagayaki had been a subtle note of panic. "I told you I wasn't going back."
"Still doesn't tell me why you went in the first place, dammit." Hinata felt Kuzuryu's forehead rest against the crown of his own head. "If you don't want to tell me now, then... fine. Fucking fine. I won't press it. Just... I wish you would, eventually."
Hinata turned his gaze downward, staring at the water's surface, at the curtains of long, dark hair spiderwebbing about his body. He blinked and the water had cleared again, familiar stress-scarred olive eyes staring back at him. "It's kind of stupid," he said finally.
"Yeah, I bet."
Hinata chuckled low in his chest. "I was... looking for something. Or trying to remember something, rather. Something that I didn't think I'd find unless I forced myself into someplace where the stakes were as high as possible."
Kuzuryu grunted, beginning to move his hands against Hinata's shoulder blades again. "And did you find what you were looking for?"
"I did... but it doesn't matter." Hinata sighed, his breath rippling against the water's surface. "All I found was a part of who I used to be, not who I am now. Not who I'll ever be again."
"...Uh-huh." Kuzuryu sounded unconvinced, somehow, but the thought immediately disappeared from Hinata's mind when the blond ground the heel of his palm between his shoulder blades. "Well if it was all a wild goose chase anyway, I wish you'd at least have waited until after we figured out what's going on with all this Ghost shit."
Hinata's heart leapt into his throat. "The Ghost? What about him?"
"What do you mean, what about him?" Hands squeezed at Hinata's deltoids, and he couldn't tell if it was meant as a massage technique or just desperation. "Hinata, you saw how the guy completely fucked up two of my experienced subordinates. I know you can hold your own to some extent. You're not helpless, but still... You have no exposure to what the criminal underground is like. You barely even have to deal with normal crime in fucking Kibougaoka! So yeah, you really chose a hell of a time to go soul-searching in a veritable lion's den!"
Guilt gnawing at his insides, Hinata lifted a hand out of the water and reached over to place it atop one of Kuzuryu's. Some boyfriend he was. He'd been so absorbed in his own issues that he hadn't even stopped to think about what Kuzuryu might feel about what he was doing. "Sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to scare you."
Kuzuryu huffed. "I wasn't scared."
"Still." Hinata squeezed Kuzuryu's hand. "And I meant what I said before. I'm never going back there."
"Damn right you're not." Kuzuryu placed a soft kiss on the nape of Hinata's neck before appending, "If you ever go someplace like that without telling me again, then I'll kill you before the Ghost can."
Hinata couldn't help but chuckle at the stark contrast of such harsh words immediately following such tender affection. That did beg the question, though: would the Ghost actually kill him? Could he? Nagito Komaeda was obviously a dangerous man, but despite what the clan members had claimed that past weekend, he just didn't seem like the kind of person who would dirty his hands with physical violence. Even if it was indirect, it just felt unlikely. He struck Hinata as more of the psychological warfare type.
His own current mental state was proof enough of that.
He shook the thoughts from his head. No, Komaeda was the very last thing he wanted to be thinking of at the moment. This was his precious time alone with Kuzuryu; no one else needed to cross his mind, least of all someone so detestably enigmatic.
Eager to all but drown in the presence of his lover, Hinata half-turned in the tub and pulled Kuzuryu down into a deep kiss, calm and relaxed though searing with love and desire. With lips and tongues entwined, Kuzuryu fully dominated all of his senses, chasing all other thoughts and worries away.
"W-whoa." Kuzuryu pulled away for a moment, leaning back just enough to keep from falling into the bathtub. "You've had enough of the massage, then?"
"Hmm." In lieu of an answer, Hinata took Kuzuryu's hand and pressed a reverent kiss to his palm.
"Should I take that as a yes?"
All things considered, Hinata really wouldn't mind if the massage continued, but it didn't feel quite right not to return at least some of the love that those hands had already bestowed upon him. Turning Kuzuryu's palm over he placed his lips softly upon each finger in turn, relishing in the fact that, in a dark underworld where those precious digits could be so quickly sacrificed as penance, the man so beloved to him still had his perfectly intact. With the tip of his nose ghosting over each knuckle, Hinata left a feather-light kiss upon the ring adorning Kuzuryu's index finger, the metal damp and radiating warmth, and then the same to the ring on his middle finger. Then a kiss to the ring finger, this one notably devoid of its namesake.
He paused briefly, then cast his eyes upward to meet Kuzuryu's gaze, taking in the golden jewels still reflecting faint vestiges of concern. Their relationship was serious, far past the point of something fleeting. What they had was supposed to be equal and mutually supportive, yet Hinata really wasn't being fair to the other—in a few ways, really, some of which he still felt incapable of alleviating. But at the very least, he wanted to do something about that worry that Kuzuryu was exuding. Here Hinata was, de-stressing as best as he could with Kuzuryu's help, so in return... even if it was only momentary, he wanted to wash those worries away.
"Wha— Hina—!"
A mere two tugs at his hand, and Kuzuryu was tumbling across Hinata's legs with a splash.
"What the fuck!" The blond emerged from the water's surface immediately, spluttering and looking like a half-drowned cat as he angrily rubbed at his eyes. "Don't just pull me into the tub like that, jackass!"
Despite his boyfriend's obvious annoyance, Hinata couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry. I gave you a warning tug, though."
"I'm still clothed, dumbass! I have to wear this tomorrow too, you know!"
Hinata wrapped his arms about Kuzuryu's waist, pulling him more fully into his lap and against his chest, and kissed away the droplets of water still clinging to his long eyelashes. "Well," he mumbled, "it's a good thing you booked a suite with a washer and dryer, then."
Kuzuryu huffed, cheeks glowing pink either from irritation or embarrassment—or perhaps both. He began unbuttoning his soaked shirt, but after unfastening the first two he apparently decided that there were other priorities, abandoning the task to pull Hinata down into a sweet, wet, absolutely intoxicating kiss.
Yeah. The night was theirs, and in that time and space, no other thoughts were needed.
The room had fallen dim, illuminated only by the bedside mood lighting and whatever city light could creep past the park and Imperial Gardens into the window. The soft pounding of the dryer drum—surely on an automated de-wrinkling cycle, after running for about an hour already—filled the suite, but otherwise the only sounds were of their breathing, growing calmer and more even with each passing moment but unmistakably sated.
Economically, Hinata thought it seemed like a bit of a waste for them to be cuddled up so closely, limbs intimately entwined, when they had an entire king-sized bed to make use of. Not that he was complaining, of course. It just seemed so pointless when the only space that really mattered was what he and Kuzuryu took up together.
He pulled the smaller man closer, burying his nose in his short, sweat-soaked hair. It really couldn't be overstated how much this man and their relationship together meant to him, and it was moments like this, quiet but pregnant with raw emotion, that it was so tangibly clear.
Which is why it felt all the heavier when his mind wandered again to unpleasant thoughts, of what he had been trying to keep to himself so as not to burden someone so dear to him. And it made it so much easier to finally put at least some of that into words.
"Kuzuryu," he whispered, little more than a breath. "Is there... anything I can do for you?"
Roused from blissful half-slumber, Kuzuryu gave a small groan, arching his back as he stretched. "Yeah. More of that kind of sex would be great."
"I— that's not—!" Hinata stuttered through the flames burning under his skin. "No— I mean, yes, absolutely, please," he quickly amended, "but what I meant was... in general? I want to figure out some way I can be more useful to you, so—"
"Stop." A hand was slapped over Hinata's mouth, and Kuzuryu looked up at him from under furrowed brows, his eyes glowing pale orange in the lamplight. "Don't you dare start thinking like that on me."
Struck dumb, Hinata wouldn't have had anything to say in response even if his mouth was free to move on its own.
"Are you telling me that's what had you so out-of-whack today?"
"Uh," Hinata started as Kuzuryu pulled his hand away. "That's... definitely part of it, yeah."
With a frustrated sigh, Kuzuryu pulled out of Hinata's embrace, still close enough to share mingled body heat but free to move on his own. "Hinata, look," he grumbled while propping himself on his elbows. "No offense, but this is the exact kind of shit I hate. It's bad enough that Peko's been like this for our entire lives, I'm not gonna have you going down the same road too."
"Oh..." Hinata had, of course, long since realized that Kuzuryu's constant insistence that Pekoyama leave him alone was out of concern for Pekoyama herself as much as it was for Kuzuryu's privacy and independence. It hadn't even occurred to him, though, that desiring to be useful to his boyfriend was at all similar. It seemed so obvious in hindsight, but still... simply being aware of that couldn't so easily change the way he felt.
"Look..." With a soft sigh, Kuzuryu reached over to brush stiff, half-dried bangs from Hinata's forehead. "I know how hard it is to stop thinking like that once you've got it in your head. Believe me, I know damn well." He continued to card gentle fingers through dark hair, past Hinata's temple and around the curve of his ear. "But please, if you can, just stop. Stop before you spiral too deep. Way too much of my life is transaction-based already, and I hate the thought of bringing that shit into my most important relationships, too. All I want is for you to be you."
Hinata let his eyes flutter closed, relishing in the feeling of doting fingers against his scalp. "Who am I, though?" he found himself muttering. "Or who should I be? I'm sure as hell no cop."
"You could join the clan."
Hinata said nothing, and within a few moments Kuzuryu's fingers had stilled. It hadn't been brought up recently, but during the first months of their relationship, it had become almost an inside joke for Kuzuryu to offer clan membership and Hinata to reject without a second thought.
This was the first time Hinata hadn't immediately responded. It was also the first time that, to him, it didn't feel entirely like a joke.
"Hinata." Kuzuryu moved his hand to rest on Hinata's cheek, and the brunet opened his eyes to meet his lover's gaze. "I've already told you my thoughts on this, and I really don't think I should say anything else. You need to figure out what you want to do, and I'm begging you, don't let your fucking 'usefulness' to me be the deciding factor. And whatever answer you come to, I..."
He trailed off, face turning red and fingers curling against Hinata's skin. Recognizing the signs of flustered hesitation, Hinata lifted his own hand to place it supportively atop Kuzuryu's. "Yeah?"
Kuzuryu pressed his lips together, something between a growl and a mewl escaping his throat before he began to speak again. "I... look. I'm not as mushy as you are, so I know I don't say this as often. But..." He pinned Hinata with his golden gaze, direct, straightforward, and honest. "I love you. I love you. I'm so fucking in love with you, dumbass."
Hinata's chest swelled with a warmth that was simultaneously oppressively stifling and absolutely perfect. He wasn't hearing the words themselves for the first time, but the weight behind them, the depth and intensity of the emotions... Feeling them expressed wasn't new, but hearing them, audibly, was.
"And," Kuzuryu continued in a low voice, as Hinata squeezed his hand unbidden, "the fact that you love me just as much? You really think I'd be so fucking conceited to ask for anything more?"
Chuckling almost incredulously, Hinata released his grip on Kuzuryu's hand, only to reach over and cup his flushed, freckled cheek in return. "You're right," he breathed. "I tried telling myself that, but... thanks for saying it." He paused a beat before adding, "I'm so fucking in love with you, too."
He pulled Kuzuryu into a kiss, soft but insistent, overflowing with emotion but lacking some of the desperation that had flavored their intimacies earlier in the evening. Kuzuryu responded in kind, and Hinata hummed appreciatively as their bodies melded together again, as if they had been specifically created for each other.
Truthfully speaking, Kuzuryu had done an awful job of convincing Hinata to remove him as a factor in his future plans. Whatever answer he landed on, Hinata knew it had to be one that involved having this man in his life forever. He had simply never loved someone so much, and he knew that he never would again. To the point that he wanted to break the kiss, just for a moment, just long enough to lose all reason in return for regaining his voice and ask—
A gurgling sound from his boyfriend's body had him pulling away regardless, concern immediately chasing the thoughts from his mind. "You all right?" he asked, placing a hand on the blond's waist. "Did I—"
"Just hungry." Kuzuryu grinned and dropped a chaste kiss on the edge of Hinata's jaw before stretching languidly again. "Kisses are great, and sex is great, but I haven't eaten anything since lunch. We should order room service before they close for the night."
"Ah... right." Reluctantly, Hinata sat up and looked about him, noting that the bed's entire comforter had fallen onto the floor at some point. "You make that call, then, and I'll... There were robes on the foot of the bed when we got here, right?"
"Yup. I'm guessing they were casualties of war?"
"Looks like it." Hinata sighed and scooted to the edge of the bed, placing his feet on the floor and resigning himself to the task of finding rumpled white robes among a king-sized mass of equally white bedding.
"Don't worry too much if you can't find 'em," Kuzuryu said airily as he picked up the bedside phone. "We'll need to wear something when we answer the door, sure, but if you want another round after dinner they're not gonna see much more use anyway."
Choking on air in his surprise, Hinata dropped the bedding he had gathered and then cleared his throat in a bid to regain composure. "Ah— um. That's... We'll see how it goes."
Kuzuryu answered with a glowingly mischievous grin before turning back to the phone. "All right, then. Love you."
"Love you, too."
"Oh... how unlucky. You aren't who I was hoping to find, but... Hmm. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you seem to be most loved as well, aren't you?"
Notes: i did it guys i managed to write a single line of gundham dialogue
Like I said in the beginning notes, this chapter didn't exist at all at first, but after posting the previous chapter I realized that the boys—and the story itself—really needed a little bit of a breather before continuing with all the heavier drama. So I also took this opportunity to bring in some minor plot points and interactions that I had thought would have to be left out of the final product, hehe. (I hope they felt natural and weren't too obviously thrown in for the sake of it...)
By the way, Setagaya (the ward of Tokyo where I placed Kibougaoka) did, in fact, start legally recognizing same-sex partnerships in November 2015, about a year and a half before the current time in the story. (I was not aware of this before planning the fic, just a lucky coincidence!) It's not exactly a civil union—my understanding is that it grants far fewer rights than even that—but for the sake of narrative flow that's how I decided to refer to it. You might have heard about these kinds of partnerships in the news since all of Tokyo is set to legalize them this November, but at this point in the story I'm pretty sure that Shibuya and Setagaya were still the only wards recognizing them.
(the first draft of this note had some sarcastic snark about how slow Japan is at making progress but let's not focus on the negatives...)
I don't know when to expect the next chapter. I literally made it one of my personal goals for this school year to complete this entire fic (which gives me an ultimate deadline of March 2023, for those unfamiliar with the Japanese school system), and at this point I still think that's a realistic goal for three more chapters (the chapter count is pretty much set in stone at this point), but as for how quickly the next one will come... uhhhh we'll see haha. See you whenever that is!