Author's Note: And here it is! Another chapter for all of us. I am so enjoying this story and I'm relieved to see that the consensus is relatively similar. I'm sorry for how slow it is, but I do hope that you're all enjoying it. And continue to do so!
"He woke up again and we missed it?" Tuk pouts throwing her head back and groaning before turning big gold eyes toward the back of her eldest brother about a half hour later. Jake made sure to lay him down on his other side, still conscientious of how much Neteyam is sleeping and how little he's moving about while he's doing so. "Wake up, Neteyam!"
"Shh, Tuk," Neytiri says softly, running her fingers through his long, loose hair. "Let your brother sleep. He'll be better when he's better."
Tuk wilts a bit, turning big golden eyes toward her sleeping brother, shoulder slumping as she lowers onto the arm that she has resting on her thigh, staring Neteyam. "How long will that take?"
"I don't know, Tuk," Neytiri says softly, wondering that exact same thing herself.
Lo'ak stares at Neteyam and Tuk for a long moment before looking over at Jake, asking, softly, "He really came over to me last night? I don't remember any of that." He slowly fiddles with the adornments hanging from the band of his loincloth. He rolls the beads around in his fingers. "I feel like I might have... heard my song?"
Jake offers a little smile and nod. "Yeah, you were having a nightmare and he hummed your song to you."
Lo'ak dips his chin, a tiny smile crossing his lips but his eyes land on his adornments in sadness. Jake glances down and recognizes it as Neteyam's. They were beads carved from branches of big trees from back in the forest that Neteyam painstakingly located and carved himself. He was so proud when he gathered eight branches, carved and polished them before threading them together and tying it off on his band. He loved that piece. He was so proud of it. Lo'ak loved it too. And Neteyam jokingly said, all the time, that Lo'ak could have it when he died.
Ironically, just the day before, it was caught on something and broke, at some point and Neteyam, as if being shocked awake from a daze frantically went in search for them. Neteyam, Lo'ak and Kiri spent over an hour collecting all of the beads that fell into the water as the oldest of them kept saying that it was alright, and if they found all of the beads, great, if not, it didn't matter. He appreciated the help, regardless.
But despite that, his chin was trembling as his eyes scanned the water frantically.
He was relieved to have found all of them, hugging and nuzzling both Kiri and Lo'ak before heading off back to their marui to fix it. He didn't get it fixed in time, and when he died, Lo'ak found it in his truck, fixed it, and hasn't been without it since. No one responded when Lo'ak, instead of picking at his dinner like the rest of them, just worked on the adornment. He made sure to reinforce it so that it doesn't break as easily again, and coat it to protect the beads from the water.
Once it was done, he laid it out across his own trunk to dry before joining his family in pushing his food around on his stone, staring into the fire in silence.
Jake's eyes watch Lo'ak's fingers as he toils with the well-loved bead adornment. He hesitates for a moment before reaching over and placing his hand on his youngest son's shoulder, waiting until the younger male locks eyes with him before he says, softly, "You know he doesn't blame you, right? You know that when he wakes up, he's going to love you all the same. Don't ever forget, Lo'ak, you and Neteyam are brothers bound by love. Try not to think too much about it. When he's coherent, you and he can talk. And I'll help you, if you want."
"Thanks dad. I would like that." Lo'ak says, with obvious trepedition in his voice, offering a paper-thin smile before large golden eyes shine in worry. "But what if he hates me? What if you're wrong?"
Jake smiles softly. "Lo'ak, has Neteyam ever hated anyone? Let alone you? After all of the trouble you helped get him in to?"
Lo'ak actually cracks a smile at Jake's gentle teasing. He flushes a bit, looking down at the adornment again before admitting, "No. I guess not. But... after all the trouble I got him into, it was never as bad as... as bad as..." Lo'ak swallows, smile falling. Jake nods, neither of them wanting to put that into words. Lo'ak sucks in a deep breath, closing his eyes. "I just don't know what I'm going to do if he hates me."
"He's not going to hate you," Kiri says, lowering next to him. She rolls her eyes toward him, in typical Kiri fashion. "You know that he loves us all so much that he's willing to walk through fire for us, but you're his favorite."
Lo'ak rolls his own eyes, but smiles again, faintly. As much as he loved his sisters, Neteyam was his favorite too. Even with all of his insecurity issues with how perfect his brother is, he could never hate him. He could never see his brother as less than wonderful. Infuriatingly perfect, wonderful Neteyam.
"So..." Kiri drawls out, slowly, glancing over at Neytiri who was still stroking Neteyam's hair as he sleeps. "He is remembering things, just not right?"
"Not in the right order," Jake explains as Neytiri nods.
"He seems to be remembering things at random, repeating conversations as if he's in them," Neytiri adds. "We just have to be patient with him. Hopefully he'll be alright when he wakes up, but if he's not, we just have to be kind and patient. We have to help him however we can." She offers a thin smile before turning her gaze down toward Tuk. "Right?"
Tuk nods, excited, golden eyes bright at her older brother, ready for him to awaken.
"Is he going to be okay?" Lo'ak asks, looking between both his parents, hand wrapping around the beads at his waist. All three siblings look back and forth between each other and their parents.
"Yes," Neytiri responds when Jake doesn't immediately do so. He ignores the look she sends his way. "Just give him time. The Great Mother didn't give him back to us just to take him away."
In the late afternoon, Jake and Neytiri finally managed to shoo the kids out of the marui to go to some late lessons, when Tsireya dropped by to check in on them. She, kindly, insisted that she was just there to see how they were but Neytiri just gave her a kind nod and shooed her children away. Jake glances down at Neteyam, hesitating for a moment before helping shift his son onto his other side before running his hand lightly over his long silky black hair.
Quietly, Neytiri says, "He'll be alright, Ma Jake."
"I'm sorry I snapped at you when we were at the lake yesterday," Jake says instead, eyes still on his son's sleeping face.
Neytiri tilts her head, surprised by his apology. "That's not what I want to talk about."
"I shouldn't have snapped, you didn't deserve that," Jake says anyway, finally turning his eyes to her. Neytiri, who was straightening up their home, pauses in folding some fabric that she was using to make new clothes for Tuk and Kiri, that she had been working on before the Sky People attacked the Tulkun. The cleanliness of the marui has somewhat lacked these last few weeks.
"I forgive you," Neytiri says softly. "The Great Mother knows I've snapped at you more than you have snapped at me."
"That was in private, when we were alone," Jake argues. "Our children weren't around when you would snap."
"They didn't hear you," Neytiri points out, love for her overly protective mate swelling in her chest once more. She already forgot about what happened yesterday, not taking it to heart, but it obviously still bothered him that she didn't know how truly sorry he was, even if she never for a moment thought that he was malicious in snapping at her.
Jake shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."
"I forgive you," Neytiri says again, dropping the cloth onto the floor and walking over to Jake, placing a hand on his cheek before lowering down onto her hunches to be level with him again. "But this isn't about snapping at me in front of our children. You're so very worried about Neteyam, Ma Jake, and I don't think you're handling it well."
"I'm trying," Jake says, tilting his head away from Neytiri's hand but not fully pulling away. Still seeking some form of comfort from her despite how he feels. "Humans process things differently than Na'vi, Neytiri. Just give me time. I know that Eywa has given us a great gift and I am eternally grateful to her, but I still hadn't processed losing him. To suddenly have him back? I just... I need time."
Neytiri nods. "I understand." And she does, somewhat.
Neytiri wore her agony on her sleeve, as Jake would say. It followed her around like a dark cloud. Sometimes making her angry beyond words. Sometimes inconsolable in her grief. But a lot of the time she felt numb. Hunting helped. Focusing on providing for her children helped. Sitting around, watching her children try to bounce back and heal themselves also helped a bit. And sometimes, in the quiet moments when she's alone, or when she dreams, she sees him. She hears his laugh, sees his crinkle-eyed smile that reminded her so much of her own father, and even feel his gentle cheek pressing to her arm. In her eyes, in her heart, he was always beautiful. Always smiling.
It's been a while since she's really seen that cheesy smile he used to have all the time as a child, but in the few times she recalls it leading up to his death it was always beautiful. All of her children were beautiful and will always hold all of her heart. Losing him was like losing a piece of herself. And while the pain has yet to subside, she knows that at some point she can come to terms with her grief, even if it never goes away - and she knows it doesn't. Her father and sister are proof of this. While the pain never fully fades, she came to terms with living with that pain. She knows, at some point, that she will figure it out too, but it wasn't the same for Jake.
Jake has been more stoic through all of this. He takes whatever punishment that Neytiri, in her vulnerable moments, throws at him. And he seeks a lot of comfort from her through whatever touch she'll allow when she's also in pain, but aside from that time at the Tree of Souls, he's kept his emotions under control. Sometimes, though, she'll catch him staring off into the distance, the pads of his fingers rubbing together, toes digging into the sand his eyes not leaving the sea. Not even when Neytiri reached out to put her hand on his shoulder.
Jake told her, once, about Tommy. About how he was shot and killed on Earth. How he died just before Jake joined the expedition that took him to Pandora. How it felt like almost no time passed between Tom losing his life and Jake being thrust into his new one. Sometimes, Jake would talk about how Tommy would have done this had he been here. Or done that. How sometimes, when Jake looked at himself - even his Avatar form - he would do a double take, seeing Tommy's face instead. How even though he knows and accepts the body as his own, sometimes he can't help but see Tommy.
Twins is extremely rare for the Navi, next to impossible except for old wives tales, so Neytiri was fascinated to hear that Jake shared the face of another. And when Neytiri thinks about the death of her sister, shot and killed by Sky People just like his brother, there is a deep-rooted agony in her chest, like a horrible stabbing to her heart. And she lost her sister years ago. Jake lost his brother much more recently compared to her. In fact, almost right before he went to sleep and came to Pandora, and yet his face is always eerily calm.
While her sister's dead face is flash burned into her mind, Neytiri can't even begin to imagine staring down at the same face as the one she, herself, wore. Whenever they tsaheylu, he keeps that part of his mind closed off. She made the mistake one time to speak about their siblings, it was nearing the anniversary of the death of her sister, and she asked about how he handles his brother's death and it felt like running into a wall.
He offered a thin smile, eyes void of any emotion, and nothing sparked down their bond as he said, "I just take it one day at a time. I think about him, and I miss him, but I made peace with losing Tommy a long time ago."
"What does that mean?" Neytiri asked, creases forming between her eyes as she scooted closer to him, laying down the ikran holster that she was working on while they were just relaxing and repairing some of their equipment for their next flight out. Probably hunting the next morning. Maybe Jake would take her out on another one of those 'date nights' that he liked. And she loved.
Jake shook his head, offering a faint shrug. "It means that Tommy and I haven't spoken in a long time and by the time he died, we hadn't seen each other, really, for a long time too." His mind is hollow, empty, not a shadow of emotion beyond concentrating on what he's working on.
Neytiri wilted, hating this feeling of being closed off despite the closeness that the tsaheylu is supposed to encourage between them. This is one of the closest forms of connection that they could have, and yet she's never felt more disconnected. He was her mate for the rest of their lives. The other half of her soul and yet he felt like nothing but a ghost. And it was a terrifying feeling. One that left her scared. Jake must have felt something through their bond as he pauses in what he's doing to glance over at her, flooding their bond with his love and offering a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.
"My relationship with Tommy... it wasn't the same as the relationship that you had with Sylwanin. We can talk about it, but not now. Please?"
Neytiri nodded slowly. Jake leaned over and kissed her forehead before returning to what he was working on. Bothered, Neytiri did the same until the wall that was built up between them on Jake's side crumbles and collapses as their thoughts and feelings flow peacefully between them, easing some of the worry from Neytiri. She offers silent comfort, not sure why he felt so closed off in regards to a brother he obviously loved, but when he's ready, he'll talk to her.
That was almost fifteen years ago. Jake never brought it up. And Neytiri has since grown too apprehensive to ask. Obviously, it is something Jake has no interest in talking about. Even though she wishes all the time that he would. He never minded listening to her talk about her sister and about missing her. He would speak of Tommy, occasionally, but never really about his death, or about his feelings in regards to it.
But all of this... this wasn't Tommy. This wasn't about a brother that Jake obviously had a unique relationship with that may or may not have been good and healthy for both of them. Where an unfortunate and terrible event ended the life of one brother before - if there was some sort of bad blood between them - any resolution could have been found.
This was about Neteyam. This was about their sweet and gentle boy. Yes, losing Neteyam has carved out a bigger part of her soul than she can ever put into words, but the Great Mother saw fit to return him to them. Neytiri doesn't understand why Jake can't be happy about that. Why he can't find his smile. Why he looks to constantly be in pain. Yes, they have a long way to go before any of this can be okay, but Neteyam is there. They can be a family again. She'll fight to her last breath to keep them together and keep her family safe. She finds peace and solace in them all being together.
Why can't Jake?
"Mom?"
Neytiri perks, glancing down to see Neteyam staring up at her blearily. She rips her hand away from Jake's cheek to drop as close to her son as possible, her eyes blow wide, taking in his dazed and tired expression. "Yes, my sunshine?"
Pain flickers across his face for a split second and terror lances through both Jake and Neytiri at what could be hurting their son, when he rasps, "I'm really hungry, mom. My stomach hurts. And my throat..."
"Oh!" Neytiri springs up, almost bashing the back of her head into Jake's face but he managed to jolt back in time to avoid it and moves over to the corner of the marui where she kept supplies for their food, including the recipes that Ronal left behind for her to give to Neteyam when he is finally ready. "Give me a bit of time, Neteyam, and I'll have some food for you. Ma Jake," she glances over at her mate. His ears perk at her address, signaling that he was listening to her. "Can you get him some water? Not too much. We don't want to upset his stomach."
Jake nods and moves to grab a water pouch that he had filled with water not too long ago, bringing it over to Neteyam. He helps his son sit up and drink a few swallows before lowering him back down onto his side, despite his son's soft whine in protest, wanting more.
Jake sets the water pouch to the side and scoots closer to Neteyam, running his fingers through his son's hair. Neteyam presses closer, the cold tip of his nose makes Jake tense slightly, but he full on flinches when an ice-cold hand lands right on his knee as Neteyam snuggles closer. Indecisive, for only a moment, Jake pulls away, his son whimpering once more, before he folds the blanket around Neteyam and going to fire pit in the center of the room, igniting the fire and tending to it so that Neytiri will comfortably be able to cook on it. After a minute or two he's moving back over to Neteyam, scooping him up into his arms, blanket and all, before making his way over to the fire and settling in.
Neytiri watches quietly as Jake situated Neteyam in his lap, sitting in front of the fire, bundled up with the blanket and Jake's arms around him. With his back to Jake, Neteyam silently stares with half lidded eyes at the fire, no longer speaking. Just mindless, empty staring.
At Neytiri's curiously look, Jake quietly elaborates, "He's freezing."
Neytiri nods, moving toward the fire to compile the recipe together, making a moderate amount knowing that Neteyam isn't going to be eating a whole lot of it. Her eldest just sits in silence, staring at the fire, his miscolored hands reaching out toward the fire every couple of minutes as if to pull the heat into himself, but his feet keep tucked close, freezing toes pressed against Jake's shin. Meanwhile Jake feels a mixture of roasting alive and like he's hugging a giant ice cube. It's definitely too hot in the day to be sitting next to a fire with a blanket and another person sitting on top of him.
But he'll suffer in silence.
Once Neytiri is done, she helps Neteyam eat the first few bites, and in his dazed state he just kept opening his mouth for more food while staring into the fire. Jake occasionally brings the water back over for Neteyam to sip from. After slowly eating about a third of what was prepared for him, Neteyam seem to finally muster enough energy to take the bowl from her and wordlessly scoops out the food by hand, still staring into the fire.
At some point, Neteyam wiggles to get the blanket off of himself - much to Jake's relief - as he's too warm to keep it on now. Neytiri and Jake maneuver it from between the father and son before Neteyam relaxes back into Jake again. Once he's done eating, almost half of the meager portion of food, he rests the bowl on his lap and stares. Neytiri takes the bowl after a few minutes of persistent disinterest in continuing it and cleans off his hand and mouth.
"Neteyam?" Neytiri calls out softly, reaching over to gentle caress his cheek.
Neteyam doesn't respond, just stares into the fire. He seems livelier, instead of the lazy half-lidded stare, his eyes are wide open. He definitely appears more alert. He starts fiddling with Jake's hand, drawing his eyes from the fire to the limb he's holding. His fingers trace the tendons and veins from wrist to fingers, eyelashes fluttering. He lines up his four fingers with the five on his dad's hand, dim gold eyes tracing the lines.
Neytiri draws her hand back, staring at her son's curious expression, like he's never seen his father's hand before, seemingly fascinated. His long black hair is slightly mused from where he laid on it, but Neytiri isn't ready to braid his hair just yet, not sure he'll be able to stay upright long enough anyway, plus his hair might need one more wash beforehand, at this rate. He's not even going into the ocean anymore or anything.
The Sully Matriarch sits on one ankle while pulling the knee of her other leg up to her chest for her to wrap her arms around and lean her cheek on, staring at the father and son in front of her. Neteyam is sitting on Jake's lap, something he hasn't done since he was a little boy, playing with his hands like he used to when he was so little, he didn't understand why they both had different amounts of fingers. It takes Neytiri a moment to realize that he's probably going through another of those episodes, where his memory is coming back but not in the right order. He's probably back in that moment. Reliving being tiny enough to sit on his dad's lap without slouching slightly, like he is now, and playing with his dad's hand as an easy source of entertainment.
When those wide gold eyes shined with the stars. When everything was fresh and new.
And Jake, well, Jake just lets Neteyam lean back into him with all his weight and manipulate his hand like he used to all those years ago. The hand that Neteyam isn't hold onto is placed behind Jake to keep him propped up. But he keeps pressing small, reassuring kisses into Neteyam's hair. His eyes large and sad, despite the joy and melancholy that Neytiri feels. And she just doesn't understand.
After a few minutes of silence, Neteyam's head jerks up to stare at his mother, making Jake tense behind him at the sudden movement, gold eyes wide but dim as a smile spread across his beautiful face. Neytiri feels a smile spear both side of her lips, pulling them taught, relieved to see that look on her son's face.
"Momma," Neteyam says, voice scratchy from not really talking all that much.
Neytiri melts under the name, really wishing he was the little boy that he thought he was, nodding her head for him to continue. "Yes, Neteyam?"
"I'm going to get my ikran today," he says, excitement bubbling through him. He grips his dad's hand, bouncing up and down slightly, before being too tired to continue. "I won't let you down."
Neytiri shakes her head as much as she can with her chin and cheek resting on her knee, smile still pulling at her lips. "You could never let me down, Neteyam," she says softly.
"When is dad coming back? We can go when he gets back, right? He promised," Neteyam says, excitedly, eyes flickering around, unseeing, trapped in the memory. He doesn't realize that his father is sitting with him. Pressed to him. Holding onto him like a lifeline.
"He'll be back soon," Neytiri says, feeling a prickle to her eyes that she blinks away. She can see young, healthy, happy twelve-year-old Neteyam in front of her, bouncing around their home waiting for his father to come back from his morning rounds to ensure that the clan was alright before the family left to go to the ikran nesting grounds. She can see his bright eyes, smile nearly splitting his face in two, as he busied himself helping his siblings get ready so that they could leave the second Jake stepped foot back in Hometree.
Neteyam slumps back into his father's chest, staring into the fire once more, pursing his lips, despite being in this different scene in his head, his fingers still fiddle with Jake's hand. He spins his dad's hand around so that the palm is facing up, inspecting the calluses on his palm and fingertips.
Neteyam lets out a little sigh before glancing up at Neytiri's gently smiling face. His lips curl slightly up at the look on his mother's face. Her smile spreads a bit further as she says, sweetly, "You are so beautiful, my sweet sunshine boy."
A sweet flush darkens his cheeks as he looks down at Jake's palm, seemingly fascinated by it as he bashfully says, "Mom, come on. I'm going to be an adult soon. I'm going to get my ikran today."
Neytiri nods slowly. "I know you will."
"Thanks, mom," Neteyam says, grinning down at Jake's hand. This time, after having missed many before, Neteyam seems to have finally noticed Jake kissing his hair. He tilts his chin straight up to look at Jake, eyes widening with his grin. "Dad! You're home! Can we go now? Please? Please?"
Jake smiles faintly, hugging Neteyam tightly to his chest. Neteyam's tail curls around Jake's thigh and his arms wrap around Jake's smiling bashfully, with crested eyes he grins up at his father.
"We can go," Jake says softly.
Neteyam nuzzles closer to Jake, shaking with excitement. "I'm not going to let you down, dad," Neteyam says softly, as if meant just for him.
Jake presses Neteyam closer. Neteyam glows, burrowing his face and shoulder into Jake, smiling brightly.
"Neteyam," Jake says so softly, Neytiri probably wouldn't have heard him had she not been so close, "in your entire life, you have never, ever let me down."
From Neytiri's position, something outside catches her attention as she swoops to her feet and heads outside their marui without a word. Jake watches her go but Neteyam is already starting to doze once more. A few minutes later, Neytiri reappears in the entrance to their home, holding open the flap as their children pile in. Tuk lowers to a crouch and quickly crouch-walks over to Jake and Neteyam. She drops her hands onto Jake's thigh, peering down at Neteyam's face, resting against Jake's chest.
"No, Neteyam," Tuk whispers, leaning in close to stare at her brother's drooping eyelids. "Don't go back to sleep yet. It's me. It's Tuk! Your baby sister!"
Neteyam's lashes flutter for a moment before he yawns, forcing his eyes open to stare at Tuk, rubbing at his face for a moment before reaching out for her, releasing Jake's arms so that Tuk can fit against him. Tuk, face brightening in joy, quickly crawls into Neteyam's arms, wrapping her own around his neck and resting her chin on his shoulder, squeezing tightly.
"I know who you are," Neteyam laughs softly, nuzzling into the side of Tuk's head. "Did you have another nightmare?"
Tuk pauses. "No, I..." she hesitates, as if recalling something before nodding and squeezing tighter to her eldest brother as Neytiri, Lo'ak and Kiri lower around the fire with them and Jake places a loving hand on the back of Tuk's head. "Yes, Neteyam. It was really, really scary. You were gone and I couldn't find you. No one could. Not even the Great Mother. And she can do everything!"
Neteyam hushes her softly, leaning forward a bit so that he can lightly rock Tuk back and forth, her legs resting against his thighs with her feet on his knees. "I'm here, Tuk," Neteyam says softly. "I never left you. No matter how far away I may seem, I am always here with you. I'll never just leave you, Tuk."
"But you did," Tuk mumbles, holding to Neteyam tighter. "You were so far away. Where did you go, Neteyam? Why weren't you there when we went looking?"
"I... don't know," Neteyam says softly. "I guess, maybe you weren't looking in the right places."
"Not even with the Great Mother?" Tuk asks, eyes wide as she pulls back to look Neteyam in the eye.
"The Great Mother is always with us, even when we can't see her," Neteyam says easily, brushing some of her braids out of her eyes a bit. "But sometimes, in her brilliance, she hides us from those that search for us. Those that love us. Those that hurt us. So, it's not easy to see."
"We would never hurt you, Neteyam," Tuk says, her lower lip quivering a bit. "We love you too much!"
Neteyam lightly brushes his nose against her cheek, softly and lovingly. He doesn't respond for a long moment, content to provide affection to Tuk, who doesn't shy away from it for a moment, before saying, softly, "We can hurt people, even if we love them. It doesn't always have to be intentional. Sometimes the greatest acts of cruelty are done against those we love, Tuk, and sometimes they are never done with such an intention."
Tuk frowns at that, creases forming between her eyes. "You can really hurt the people you love so badly that the Great Mother hides them?"
Neteyam nods. "You can, but it's never too late to say that you're sorry. Don't worry, Tuk. I'm here It was just a bad dream. I'm here. I'll always be here, even when I'm not."
Tuk nods back, pressing her forehead against Neteyam's. "But what if it wasn't just a bad dream? What if you really were gone and we couldn't find you anymore?" Neytiri and Lo'ak's ears flatten at that while Jake and Kiri both look at one another.
Neteyam considers for a long moment, staring down at the fire once more for a long time, chewing on his lower lip before looking over at Tuk once more before pressing his forehead back against Tuk's, staring into her eyes. "Then you weren't looking in the right place, Tuk. Always look by your side first. I'll always be there."
"Do you promise, Neteyam?" Tuk asks lightly, blinking shimmering golden eyes until their clear again.
"With every ounce of my being. Because Sullys stick together."