Chapter 4: Rejection
Kotoko stood on the train with her bag in her hand. She was wearing a blond wig and sunglasses, and a coat that hid the shape of her body. She didn't want anyone recognizing her.
This was a new low point for her.
Her heart was beating and her thoughts were racing. She knew she wasn't gonna find anything. But still.
I just wanna see. That's all. I'm curious. Not worried. Curious.
After what felt like five hours, the doors of the train finally opened. She had the location of the hotel Naoki was staying at written on a small piece of paper.
And she found out the location by going through her husband's phone of course. He would never tell her.
Kotoko arrived at the building, which was a beautiful four star hotel where the conference was going to be held. Kotoko managed to get Naoki's check in details, in order to make sure that they don't run into each other. She also made sure to check what time the conference would start.
She checked in, left her things in her room and left.
She took a peak from outside the conference room. She saw many people in professional attire. To her left was her husband. His eyes were focused on the speaker, and his usual stoic expression was maintained throughout the event.
Ahhh, Irie-kun is so cool and handsome~
She stopped drooling after a while, and then her eyes then moved to the seat next to him, where Youko was seated.
Naoki was focused on the event, but she kept stealing glances and smiling.
Kotoko didn't like that another woman got to gaze at her husband on their anniversary.
Naoki wasn't looking at Youko. But still.
Kotoko's spying was interrupted as someone tapped on her shoulder.
"Excuse me, ma'am. Are you attending this event?" said the tall security guard.
"Uhh…No" Kotoko replied nervously.
"You can't be hanging out here"
"Ahh okay, I'm sorry…" Kotoko replied. She figured it was better not to argue with him.
She went back to her hotel room and waited until the event was over. She stared at her phone screen, waiting for the time to pass.
After what felt like forever, the conference finally ended, and Kotoko went back to see where her husband would be going next.
She stood at a distance away from the room, hiding behind a plant. The attendees came out one after the other, and then she finally saw her husband.
Oh my god. He's out!
And she's standing next to him…
It seems that he, Youko and a few other doctors were going somewhere together.
"So! Irie-kun, how was the conference" Youko asked Naoki cheerfully.
"It was fine" he replied.
They were going to an Italian restaurant in the area. The other attendees were gonna dine at the hotel, but one of the doctors in Naoki's group insisted on another place.
Kotoko was walking behind them, with her binoculars in her hand. When she looked through them, she saw Youko's arm brush against Naoki's. The intern was walking next to him, and she seemed unable to look away from him. It was kind of obvious that she was interested in him.
She is gorgeous though. I see why people would think they are a good fit…
Whatever confidence Kotoko had went down fast.
I gotta focus though!
The group ate for about an hour. And Kotoko watched from outside the whole time.
Actually, this was the new low point for her.
The intern managed to sit next to her husband yet again. She couldn't stay away from him. She probably wouldn't have gone if he weren't there. She sat and giggled every fifteen seconds and many times "accidentally" leaned against him.
Of course Kotoko was worried. Youko was rude to her for whatever reason during their first encounter. Well, no reason actually.
Kotoko assumed it was because she had what the intern wanted, which was Naoki.
Kotoko got that. She knew that many women wanted him.
She still felt threatened though. It seemed as though she always would feel threatened. Their marriage should have been the "finish line" of her fears and insecurities. But it could never be. And she never understood why.
Nevertheless, she continued to follow them. Maybe then she would calm down. Once she sees that there's nothing to worry about.
The group arrived at their next destination, which was a large theater. It was gorgeous from the outside, and there were many people coming to see the show.
Youko had suggested the location, and the rest of the group agreed to go.
Kotoko suddenly remembered their conversation a few days back.
"...and besides, who would want to take part in such a pointless occasion"
Naoki said that musicals were stupid. Yet he was seeing one with her on their anniversary. And he didn't even call her or message her.
Sure they weren't alone. And he wasn't flirting with her. But they were doing something that Kotoko wanted to do with him, on a day that should have been theirs.
And don't forget that he turned her down when she suggested they do something on their anniversary of all days.
Kotoko felt defeated. She didn't want to stay anymore. So she decided to go back. Her chest felt heavy for some reason, and she couldn't explain why.
Kotoko got off the train. She found herself unable to go home just yet. So she decided to walk around until she could quiet her mind.
She stopped walking when she heard the voice of someone familiar.
"Hello Kotoko-san!" said Yumi.
Kotoko looked in front of her to see Yumi and her daughter Asami, the young girl she had been taking care of, approaching. She had completed her treatment a few days prior and was on the road to recovery.
"Hello!" said the little girl as she waved.
Kotoko walked toward them and greeted them.
"Hello Yumi-san, Asami-chan" she said with a smile.
"What brings you here?" Yumi asked.
"Uhhhh, long story…" Kotoko said as she laughed nervously.
They walked to a nearby park and sat on a bench while Asami played.
"I see…" said Yumi as Kotoko told her the details about her mission, "and, have you talked to him since?" she asked.
"No…" Kotoko replied in a defeated tone, "the last time I talked to him was before he left, and he didn't come back home yet"
"Okay", said Yumi, "cause you're gonna have to put this thing to rest, and end the confusion and drama"
"What thing?" Kotoko asked.
"The intern thing" Yumi replied.
"Okay then, what if I talk to her and tell her-"
"No, Kotoko-san. Cause then you're making it your problem. Your husband has to tell her to back off, and…No, Asami. Don't do that!" said Yumi as she went to help her daughter off the slide.
Irie-kun has to? But Youko-san is the one who…
"Why would Irie-kun have to tell her off?" Kotoko asked once Yumi sat back down next to her, "She's the one interfering with our marriage".
Yumi sighed in frustration. It was like she was looking at a younger version of herself in the mirror.
"I'm sorry to say this, but it seems as though you're the only one doing the work," said Yumi.
"What do you mean?" Kotoko asked, confused.
"I see it in you every time I'm around you. You're like a little hamster running on its wheel. Going nowhere but wasting so much energy. You run into the same problem again and again and you question why" Yumi said as she boldly told Kotoko how she felt.
"I've known you for a bit now, Kotoko-san. And I just can't keep it to myself anymore, cause it's getting hard to watch. It seems you've just accepted something about yourself, and you don't ask for better"
Kotoko couldn't say anything. She didn't know what to think.
Yumi looked at her daughter, who was playing on the swings, smiled and said, "Asami adores you, you know? She thinks you're very nice and a great nurse. When we got home from the hospital she told me all about how you took great care of her and made her laugh when she was scared and nervous"
Really?
She continued, "And I believe her. I've managed to see it for myself. You're very positive and determined, and you've overcome many obstacles. But you've accepted the lowest opinions that people have of you as the truth. Even people you call friends. And now you just assume that anyone you meet will have the same judgment. "
Kotoko, who finally managed to be able to speak, said "But I'm not stunning like her. And I'm not smart either."
"Says who?" Yumi asked.
"Everyone," Kotoko replied, "I mean, it's true. I was always in class F. Irie-kun didn't even look at me when I first approached him."
"And why do you think that is, Kotoko-san" Yumi asked.
"Well, because I'm me"
"No, it's not"
"What else would it be?"
"It's nothing but a fundamental lack of respect for you", said Yumi, "He could have told her no, but he didn't even hesitate to tell you, his wife, no"
Kotoko got on the defensive, "well, i-i-it's because his coworkers wanted to go"
"Didn't he say that musicals were stupid?"
"Yeah, but-"
"If he thought it was stupid, he would have told them no. He didn't have to go. But he respected them enough to accompany them for the event. He didn't even hesitate to turn you down though"
"That doesn't mean anything. I'm the closest person to him. He said that he loved me and needed me. And he married me"
Yumi sighed in frustration. Kotoko was very dense.
"Love is not just a feeling, Kotoko-san"
Kotoko said goodbye to Yumi and her daughter and started walking home. Naoki would be coming home the next day.
She was walking very slowly. She could barely see in front of her because she was so flustered.
Respect me? Why would he respect me?
You "respect" your parents, your seniors, presidents, doctors.
What did I do to deserve respect?
Kotoko genuinely didn't get it.
Love is not just a feeling
Of course it is. What else would it be? You feel love. It's a fluttery feeling inside of you that you get when you find true love. Yumi must have forgotten because she was single for so long. Kotoko felt bad for her.
She recalled Yumi's tough words.
He could have told her no, but he didn't even hesitate to tell you, his wife, no.
Kotoko was in denial.
He would have said yes to me if he didn't have something to do that day. I'll ask him again. Of course he'll say yes.
Because I'm his wife!