Chapter 6: Broken
Kotoko woke up and saw that the other side of the bed was empty. Naoki had left without her.
Suddenly, she remembered what had happened, and she buried her face in her pillow.
That's right…He's not talking to me.
What have I done? Why did I have to pick a fight?
Why did I lose it?
She felt so guilty for starting a "problem". And she didn't want to go to work because of the scene that happened.
She eventually managed to get out of bed. She didn't bother with her hair or breakfast. She just left for work.
She could barely see in front of her as she was walking. She tripped and almost fell multiple times.
When she arrived at the hospital, she saw her friends, who waved at her and had slightly concerned expressions on their faces. Kotoko waved back slightly but did not head toward them. She just went inside. This left them confused.
"Koto…ko?" Motoki said as she put her hand down.
"What is with her?" Marina asked. Motoki shrugged. But she knew.
"I wonder if she's okay…" Tomoko said, with a worried expression on her face.
Kotoko walked into the changing room and saw her other colleagues. They looked at her and started whispering.
They were there.
A lot of them were. They saw her lose it. And saw Naoki do nothing to shut the rumors down. So of course they'll keep gossiping.
The genius won't deny it. So why should they believe the "idiot"?
Youko had already gained a few admirers for her cold beauty and striking features, as well as her reputation for being a very capable and intelligent intern. She and Naoki were the pairing that made the most "sense" apparently. Naoki and Kotoko didn't make sense in their minds. Kotoko just wasn't good enough. If Youko and Naoki were to get together, they would back off, since there would finally be someone "worth" calling "Naoki's wife".
They didn't take Kotoko seriously at all.
She listened to their whispers as she put on her uniform.
"...I can't believe she came to work after what she did…"
"She seems really emotionally unstable"
"...I would be too if I were as incompetent as her…"
That one got her. She slammed her locker shut and turned to face the gossiping nurses.
Kotoko then said, "Who's incompetent exactly?!"
The nurse was taken aback.
"Uh…Wha-Nobody! Haha…" she said as she laughed nervously.
Kotoko was furious and demanded an answer, "No seriously, who?!"
"Uhh….Well…Is everything okay, Irie-san?" she asked.
"Let's go you guys, she seems to be out of it today" said one of them as she suggested they leave her alone. They then left the room. On their way out, one of them could be heard saying "See? I told you she was unstable".
Kotoko didn't know what to do. They all thought she was crazy.
I knew I shouldn't have done that. But what should I do now?
After what felt like forty hours, it was finally time to leave. She barely ate throughout the day, and she was exhausted. She just wanted to go home, but she also didn't want to, since Naoki still wasn't talking to her.
She missed him.
As she walked down the hall and saw her husband, who looked at her, said nothing and walked away. Kotoko's heart sank.
He hates me now for sure.
As Kotoko exited the hospital, she saw a familiar face.
It was Yumi. She approached Kotoko and greeted her.
"Ah, Kotoko-san, hello!" she said.
Kotoko greeted her back, "Hi Yumi-san. What brings you here? Is Asami-chan okay?", she asked.
Yumi replied, "Actually she's doing better! I came to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy."
Kotoko nodded, "Ah, I see. It's good to hear that she's doing well."
Yumi smiled and nodded. She noticed Kotoko's appearance. She didn't seem as cheerful as she usually was. Her eyes were puffy and her clothes were wrinkled. She knew that look.
"Is everything okay, Kotoko-san? She asked."
Kotoko replied, "Well…Umm…"
"Want to sit down over there?" Yumi asked.
Kotoko nodded and said, "Okay".
They sat down on a bench outside the hospital. Kotoko started to tell Yumi what happened. She struggled to get all her words out.
"...And he just left?" Yumi asked.
Kotoko nodded and replied "Yes. And we haven't talked since.".
"I see…", Yumi said. She appeared to be contemplating something for a few seconds, and then she said, "I'm sorry that happened" as she put her hand on Kotoko's arm lightly.
Kotoko then started tearing up. She couldn't contain her emotions anymore. She burst into tears.
"He hates me now for sure", she said in between sobs, "I don't know why I yelled at him. I never talked to him that way in my life."
"Don't be so down on yourself", Yumi said, "You had every right to express your feelings".
Kotoko looked at her while wiping her tears and said, "I don't know what to do right now".
Yumi replied, "Just take it easy. I'm sure things will work out."
Kotoko replied, "Thank you".
The two sat in silence for a few seconds, and then Kotoko decided to speak.
"How is everything, Yumi-san?", she asked, "With work and stuff."
Yumi sighed before saying, "It's been rough actually. Asa-chan and I have had to move into a smaller place recently."
"Really?" Kotoko said.
"Yeah", Yumi replied. "I could no longer afford rent where we used to live, and my ex-husband has been spending money…elsewhere. So I had to pick up an extra shift and get a smaller apartment."
She took a second and then continued by saying, "What's worse is, I can't even take care of Asa-chan properly anymore. She's gonna stay with her grandparents for a few hours after school for now, until we're in a better place. I'm trying to get a better paying job, but it's been hard", she said.
"I'm sorry," Kotoko said, "I guess we're both not having the best time, hahaha…"
Yumi laughed nervously, "Yeah…It seems so. But I'm hopeful for the future! This won't last forever…At least I hope it doesn't".
Kotoko admired her positivity. She wished she could see the bright side of what was happening in her life but she couldn't. The only thing that could possibly make it better was if her husband started talking to her again and they could go back to "normal". Remembering what had happened made her sad again, and Yumi noticed.
"So, Kotoko-san," Yumi began, "How about you come over for dinner this Friday?".
"I'm going now!" Kotoko said as she put on her coat and shoes.
"Okay, see you later Kotoko-chan!" said Noriko.
Noaki was sitting in the living room reading a book. Kotoko looked at him but he did not acknowledge her. This made her upset, but she tried not to think about it and left.
As she was making her way to Yumi's house, she decided to stop by a bakery and get a small housewarming gift. She decided to choose a cute bunny cake, which she knew Asami would love, since she had told her she liked bunnies while she was taking care of her at the hospital.
She eventually reached Yumi's new apartment, which was in a decent area that had a small park.
Kotoko took the elevator to the second floor, and knocked on the door to their place. Asami ended up being the one to open the door.
"Hello~" Asami said with a bright smile on her face as she waved to the visitor.
"Hi, Asami-chan!" Kotoko said as she took the little girl's small hands and shook them lightly.
"Asa-chan! I told you not to answer the door on your own…" Yumi said as she approached them, "Welcome, Kotoko-san!".
"Thank you," Kotoko replied with a smile.
They sat down and talked for a bit while Asami watched TV. Kotoko then helped Yumi set the table. The apartment was a small, two bedroom apartment. It wasn't too cramped, but it was a definite downgrade from what they were used to. Nevertheless, it was big enough for the two of them, so Yumi was not in too much of a rush to get a bigger place. She did want to eventually work fewer hours though, so she could have more time for her daughter.
After the three of them finished eating, Kotoko helped Yumi wash the dishes and make some tea.
"This cake is adorable, Kotoko-san!" Yumi exclaimed as she opened the box with the cake in it.
"Really? I'm glad you like it. I got it with Asami-chan in mind" Kotoko said with a smile.
"Thank you, Kotoko-san, I know she'll love it!" Yumi said, "Asa-chan, come see this!"
"Hmm?" Asami replied. She got up from the couch and went to see, and her face lit up.
"Wow!" she exclaimed as she looked at the cake. Kotoko smiled. Asami was adorable.
Yumi then said, "Okay! The tea is ready."
Asami got a bit sleepy after they finished their tea and cake. Yumi got her ready for bed and put her to sleep in her room. Asami's room was not finished yet. She was getting a new mattress that wouldn't arrive until the next day.
Yumi showed Kotoko Asami's room. She intended to decorate it and compensate somehow for the smaller space, but she didn't know what to do.
She said, "I wish I could give her a nicer room, you know? But I can't right now…"
Kotoko comforted her, "Don't feel bad, Yumi-san! You're doing the best you can."
"You're right. I still want to make it cute though. I definitely want to put her piano…here", she said as she pointed at a spot in the room by the window.
She continued and said, "The walls are quite soundproof, which is great, but that also makes me kind of nervous you know…" she said as she laughed nervously.
"I get that, hahaha…But it will be fine. Asami-chan is a good girl. I'm sure she won't be up to much trouble", Kotoko replied. Her eyes scanned the room, and she then pointed her hand at a corner in the room and said "I feel like the piano would look better here, actually".
"Hmm, you're right", Yumi replied.
"Yeah," Kotoko continued, "And then this part next to the window can have a little dresser, and the bed can go on the opposite side…"
"You're good at this, Kotoko-san", Yumi said as she smiled, "Thank you".
"No problem," Kotoko said, "I always liked doing stuff like this. So does my mother-in-law. The room she decorated for me when my dad and I first moved into the Irie residence all those years ago was so cute."
"I see", Yumi said, "So you have a shared passion."
"Yeah. She has left a lot of the decorating to me now, since I enjoy it so much. We tend to change things around the house every so often. It's fun!" Kotoko said with an enthusiastic expression on her face. She was noticeably happier than she was a couple days back, just by talking about her interests.
Yumi hesitated before asking, "So...How does your husband feel about the decorations? Does he like them?"
Kotoko replied, "He…Doesn't really say anything. I mean, I don't really expect him to. He doesn't comment at all. He's used to his mother's girly tastes so he doesn't complain when I decorate the way I like it."
"Ah, I see," Yumi said as she nodded.
"Hahahah, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but y'know his mother used to dress him like a girl?" Kotoko said as she laughed.
"What, really? Oh my gosh" Yumi said as she covered her mouth with her hand.
"Yeah, she really wanted a daughter. I guess that's why she's so kind to me…" her expression changed as she remembered their fight. Yumi noticed.
"But he's not…" Yumi said, "And you wish he was, don't you?"
"But it was my fault this time! I yelled at him and said horrible, horrible things to him…", Kotoko said as she fought back tears, "I never talked to him that way".
"Kotoko-san," Yumi began, "Why do you think what you said was so bad?" she said as she leaned against the wall.
"Because it wasn't loving!", Kotoko said, "I just want to show him that I love him. And that I love him the most. That's why he married me. Because I love him. I can't lose him to someone who can do that better. Because what else do I have?"
"Kotoko-san…", Yumi said as she placed her hand on Kotoko's arm, "Why can't you hold him to that same standard?"
"What standard?" Kotoko said, confused.
"Of being loving. You just said you feel like you didn't love him when you fought with him, so you do understand that love is an action."
Kotoko's eyes widened. It seems like something clicked.
She's right…I show him I love him all the time. And he always made me feel confused.
…But that's just how he is. He showed me he loved me when he kissed me, and when he said he'd marry me.
…But…At the same time…It seems it has always been one sided between us. I would always love him more. Because I show him more.
…But that's okay, right? It's what I signed up for.
Yumi sighed. "Kotoko-san," she said, "Believe me when I say that I'm not trying to judge you. I just want you to be happy, and to be treated fairly and as an equal, in this one life you have. I realized that's what I wanted in my marriage. It's never too late to have a new dream ".
"Yumi-san…"
"But," Yumi said, "It's up to you what you want to do. Just know that you can talk to me about anything"
"Thank you, Yumi-san," Kotoko said. She was grateful.
"Yumi-san! How about this one?" Kotoko said as she picked up a small night light to show Yumi.
The two agreed the day before to go shopping together to pick out some items for Asami's room.
"These lamps tend to be expensive," Yumi said as she placed her hands on her hips, "I have a limited budget too…"
"Oh! Don't worry. There's this store actually, that has a lot of affordable and adorable room decor!" Kotoko said as she looked up a website on her phone and showed Yumi.
"Oh, that's totally cute!" Yumi exclaimed, as she looked at some of the items.
Kotoko smiled and nodded and showed her some other stuff.
Once they were done, they then went to Yumi's place with all the cute stuff they got. Asami was at piano practice, and Yumi left to pick her up, which was gonna take some time as the piano school was 45 minutes away. Kotoko used it as an opportunity to surprise them.
The mattress had arrived early in the morning so she was all set. She took out the new items including a nightlight, a rug, as well as the sheets, pillows and duvet for the bed. She wanted to make the room "bunny" themed just for Asami, so a lot of the items they bought reflected that theme.
The room looked adorable with everything put together. The piano was sitting in the location they had talked about the other day. She placed Asami's stuffed animals, as well as some new ones, on the bed. All of the components looked perfect together. Kotoko couldn't resist taking a picture of her work.
Yumi and Asami arrived shortly after she was done. Upon entering the apartment, Asami ran straight to her room as she saw the light open.
"We're back-Wowwww!" said Asami as her face lit up when she saw her new room. Yumi also entered the room and her jaw dropped.
"Kotoko-san! This looks amazing~" Yumi said as she looked around. Asami immediately went to lie down on her new mattress, which she loved.
Kotoko was proud of herself. She smiled and said, "I'm glad you like it!".
It was four in the afternoon, and Kotoko decided to head home. As she entered the house and greeted her family, she noticed that there were visitors.
It was the Fujiharas.
Naoki's father had invited Hiroto over for some tea. Hiroto brought his sons, and his daughter.
Yes…Youko was there. She was sitting next to her father, and across from Naoki's parents and Kotoko's father. Naoki and Yuuki were also there. They all appeared to be having a good time chatting.
Kotoko entered the living room and tried to contain her discomfort. She greeted the guests and took a seat. The families continued to chat for what felt like ten hours to Kotoko. Hiroto was pleasant. He engaged in conversation with Kotoko and asked her questions. Youko also made it a point to converse with Kotoko in front of the others. Kotoko was not as oblivious as she seemed. She could sense the negative energy that was coming from her.
Naoki's father suggested that the two sit together in order to "get to know each other better".
Once they sat next to each other, away from the others, there was an awkward silence between them. Kotoko tried to say something, but Youko beat her to it.
"So", she began, "You've lived here for how long?"
Kotoko couldn't help but scoff.
What?
Youko continued anyway and asked, "Where does Naoki-kun sleep?"
"With me, in our room", Kotoko replied with a glare.
"Ah…Oh yeah…I forgot. My bad..." Youko said, as she looked down and chuckled.
What is with her? Is she gonna act like the other day never happened?
Kotoko didn't want to play nice, even if their families were there. So she stayed quiet. She didn't have anything nice to say.
It was so awkward. She played with her skirt and looked at the ceiling to pass the time.
Youko took note of the avoidance. It wasn't good enough for her.
"Your mother-in-law is very sweet", Youko said as she continued to stare at Kotoko.
Kotoko finally made eye contact with her.
"...And?" she replied.
"Well, it must be nice…Being around a mother in law who adores you", she said as she glanced at Noriko, who was chatting with the guests.
Where is she going with this?
"What?" Kotoko said.
"Well, you know. Since she's so nice, surely she'd be understanding of your moments…" she said as she lifted her glass and took a sip.
"Moments?" Kotoko said as she raised her eyebrows.
Youko put down her glass and said, "Like when you're not feeling well. I realized the other day that you might not have been feeling the best. So I forgive you for what you did."
"You…forgive me?"
Youko then said, with an insincere smile on her face, "You should be glad that I do. After all, I could have done something about it, but I didn't". Her contempt was evident.
Kotoko was stunned. Fujihara Youko was shameless. It was at that point that Kotoko no longer felt inferior.
"Youko, we're leaving now," said Hiroto as he stood up from his seat. The Iries walked the Fujiharas to their car and said their goodbyes. Kotoko stayed behind. She couldn't even move from her place.
Kotoko helped clean up after the guests had left. It was pretty late so she decided to get ready for bed. She said goodnight and went upstairs first. As she put on her pajamas and brushed her hair, she thought about what had happened earlier.
"…I forgive you for what you did…"
Kotoko was both angry and confused. She knew that Youko was being fake, but she still felt guilt. And it felt horrible. It made her feel unwell and like she could throw up any second.
Does she forgive me for throwing water on her? For being angry at her? Or for making a scene?
I guess I shouldn't have made a scene, but didn't she say something horrible first? Didn't she humiliate me? Said my husband didn't care about me?
And suddenly something clicked. Yumi was right. She was holding herself to a higher standard. Naoki hasn't said a word to her since what happened, Youko wanted an apology for what she did, and the others, with their own biases, chose to see Kotoko in the worst way possible. It made her feel angry, but it also lessened the anxiety she had been feeling. The realization that she was also wronged brought her a sense of relief.
But now she also wished she had said something earlier. Why did she let Youko walk away having said what she said?
No, maybe making another scene wasn't the way to go. But she was gonna stand up for herself.
Kotoko walked out of the bathroom to find Naoki standing in front of her. He walked toward her and asked, "What did the two of you talk about?".
Kotoko was taken aback by the question.
She replied, "Why does it matter?".
"Well…It's best if things are settled now."
Settled?
"Settled?" she asked.
He walked closer to her and his eyes met hers. He grabbed her arms lightly and brought her even closer. Her heart was racing and her stomach did flip-flops.
He's trying to make up. And he knew exactly how to do it.
"I told you not to worry, didn't I? I married you after all. Why are you acting this way?" he said as he pulled her into an embrace.
"Just relax. You already know I have no expectations", he continued.
No expectations.
He pulled away and looked her in the face and leaned in. She knew what would happen next.
Before it could happen, she pulled away.
"No expectations, is that right?" she said.
"Kotoko?" said Naoki as he reached for her hand, which she pulled away. He was taken aback by her refusal to kiss him.
"You certainly expected me to keep my mouth shut the other day, while she was saying those horrible things to me" she said with an expression he had not seen didn't know how to deal with.
"What has gotten into-"
"Nothing!" Kotoko interrupted, "Why do you keep saying that?!"
"Because you're not being yourself!", he said as he grabbed her by the arms once again, "What is up with you?".
"This…Isn't right" Kotoko said as her eyes welled up.
She pulled away from him once again and looked down.
"Youko-san…Wanted an apology." she said.
"And…Did you apologize?" Naoki asked.
"For WHAT?!" she yelled.
"For the other day."
"The water?"
Naoki exhaled in frustration before saying, "Yes, that. Did you?".
"No."
"Why?"
"Did you ask her to apologize for what she said?"
"This again," he said in an annoyed tone, "Why do you care so-"
"Because you don't! I'm the only one who cares about this marriage! If somebody would have said something as horrible as she did to me, I would have defended you!"
Naoki said, "You're really not going to let this go, are you?"
Let this go…
Was it that trivial to him?
"Why don't you care about me?!" Kotoko said.
"What are you talking about? I married you, didn't I!?" he said.
"AND?" she said.
Naoki was taken aback. He was angry that she was "pushing" so hard. He replied, "And that means you should remember that I don't expect anything. I don't know why you're still so insecure. I don't know what it will take to get you to calm down."
He didn't care to even try to see where he did wrong.
"You're acting crazy," he said.
She froze. It was the same thing Youko had said. The one who made it clear that she hated Kotoko.
Up until now, he had never said anything that she couldn't forgive. But it seemed that even the Naoki, her "Irie-kun", whom she loved more than herself, could go too far.
"Well if that's how you feel…Then maybe you should go be with her," she said as she left the room.
"Kotoko-"
She closed the door behind her and went downstairs, turned on a small lamp in the living room, and sat on the couch. She let out the sobs she had been holding in.
For some reason, she couldn't bring herself to cry in front of him anymore. She no longer felt comfortable doing that. She felt small and worthless around him.
It felt different this time. She didn't want to make up with him. She didn't feel like their problem was "over" yet.
When she was around Yumi, she experienced what it felt like to be seen as a human being. The people who knew her as the "lucky" one who was married to Irie Naoki were talking badly about her. But Yumi didn't judge her.
She felt like she could call her. So she did.
And she picked up. Kotoko apologized for calling so late, but that she didn't know who else to talk to. She had a feeling that Noriko, as lovely as she was, wouldn't really understand, cause despite everything that happened, she still wanted Kotoko and her son to be together. And her father, although he loved Kotoko, wasn't really the best person to go to about her troubles either. He had always been quite passive when it came to Naoki's treatment of her. But he also wasn't aware of all the details, and she just didn't feel comfortable enough telling him. She felt a bit ashamed. Her father had wanted to move out years ago, so they could have a place "of their own" and start a new life properly after their house collapsed, but he knew how much she loved Naoki. So he let her stay. She didn't want to make him feel like it was all for nothing.
Yumi, being the person that she is, validated Kotoko's feelings and told her she had all the right to be upset.
"You were right, Yumi-san," Kotoko said, "The only one who can stop all of this is Irie-kun. Nobody listens to me. Nothing I say is important. He doesn't love me at all. At least, it doesn't feel like it."
It didn't feel like it at all. It never felt like it, unless he was kissing her.
"He doesn't care," Kotoko said in between sobs, "He just doesn't. He never did."
But she still wanted to be with him.
It was those damned kisses. The first one at their high school graduation, the next while she was sleeping, and the one after that was right before their engagement.
Kotoko had realized that all their "moments" came after a fight, or a period of time during which their marriage was "suffering".
"Well you're right," Yumi said, "He should stop it. But not because you're not worth listening to. But because it's his fault that lines were crossed in the first place".
Kotoko's eyes widened.
Yumi asked Kotoko to identify the moments when she felt their marriage was doing "great". The pause and the hesitation after that question was asked was embarrassing.
"Well," Kotoko began, "The wedding is the first thing I can think of…".
"Ah," Yumi said, " So was it everything you wanted?".
"Yes," Kotoko replied, "It was amazing. Our family and friends were there, and it was so romantic and perfect. It was the best day of my life. He also admitted that he loved me a little longer than he made it seem."
"What do you mean, Kotoko-san?"
"His younger brother told me that Irie-kun had kissed me while I was asleep. That happened a while before he…proposed"
"Um, Kotoko-san? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you kinda hesitated when you said 'proposed'"
Kotoko laughed nervously and said, "Yeah, well, he kinda just told my dad that he wanted to marry me. He never really proposed to me. But that was the first time he said he wanted to marry me."
"I see…"
Yumi sighed to herself. Kotoko didn't even get a proper proposal. Yumi didn't either. She had really wanted one though. Akito had done the same thing by just "deciding" that they would get married, and that happened when he felt Yumi was slipping away from him.
"It's okay though!" Kotoko said suddenly, "I didn't need a proposal. It's not like him anyway. I'm just glad we got married in the end."
"Uh-huh…" Yumi replied. She tried to contain her comments.
"Anyways, thank you for listening, Yumi-san. I'm sorry I kept you up so long…" Kotoko said.
"Don't worry about it, Kotoko-san. You know I'm here for you" Yumi replied.
Kotoko smiled. Yumi was a great person.
"Well, I'll see you soon then. Tell Asami-chan I said hi."
"Will do! Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Before Kotoko could hang up, Yumi decided to say something.
"Ah! I almost forgot," she began, "Could you come over tomorrow? There is a friend of mine I wanted you to meet. I was gonna call you tomorrow, but I figured I might as well tell you now since you called me."
"Oh, okay…Sure!" Kotoko replied.
"Great!"
"Hi, Kotoko-san! Come in~" Yumi said as she greeted Kotoko at the door. It was the day after their phone call, and Kotoko went to Yumi's place like she said she would.
Kotoko greeted her back and entered the apartment. They walked into the living room, where a woman was seated on the couch.
She looked to be around forty, and she had a flashy sense of style. She had her dark brown hair in a pixie cut and was wearing long silver earrings, which stood out due to her haircut.
Yumi introduced the two.
"This is Kawamura Ikue. She's the head of the women's association I'm a part of. Kawamura-san, this is Irie Kotoko" she said.
Kotoko and the woman greeted each other and sat down. Kotoko was slightly intimidated by her. Ikue looked at her and smiled, which eased Kotoko's nerves a bit.
"So you're Irie-san!" Ikue said to Kotoko, "The one who did Asami's room?"
"Oh, yes, I am," Kotoko replied.
"So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a registered nurse." Kotoko replied.
"Oh no way!" Ikue said, "That's great. I have a sister who is a nurse. She tells me all the time about her experiences with difficult patients. I don't know where she gets the patience. I guess that's a big requirement," she said as she laughed.
Kotoko laughed and agreed.
The flashy woman took a sip of her tea and then said, "I bet you're wondering why I wanted to meet you. So I actually saw what you did with Asami-chan's room, and I loved it."
"Ah, I see," Kotoko replied and nodded. She didn't know what to expect.
Ikue then said, "And so, I was wondering if you could do my twins' room. I'm at a loss for ideas. I was never good at this sort of thing. I knew I wanted something cute for my children as well! I'll pay you for your time, so would you help me?" she asked.