Hello hello hello everyone. Thank you all for your patience with this one, I'm sorry for no second update last week. I had literally written 15 pages of this chapter (my chapters usually end up around 20-23 pages) when I decided to scrap the entire thing and start over. The way I was taking it… I just wasn't feeling it, and I felt like it needed to be re-done. I'm glad I did it, I like this chapter much more than my first one, but I am sorry for the delay.
I wish I had a happy chapter for you guys to make it up to you, but I don't… I'm sorry for that.
But I still hope you guys enjoy this one. Happy reading.
P.S. the next update on this story will not be until next Monday. I've got a busy week ahead, and I already know I won't have time get a chapter up on Thursday, so I just wanted to go ahead and let you know.
THIRTY ONE
"I'm not… I'm not pregnant."
His eyebrows furrowed as she repeated the words, Matt taking in her demeanor, his confusion only growing when he saw the tears forming in her eyes, and how her hands began to shake. He wasn't sure what was going through her head, but she looked… upset. And he wasn't sure why.
"Gabby…" He murmured, but it was like she didn't hear him, Matt carefully taking the remaining pregnancy tests from her hands and placing them on the dresser. His hands moved to her shoulders as she lifted her head, his frown deepening when he saw tears threatening to spill over.
He wasn't sure what was happening, he didn't know why she looked so upset, but she did. Matt didn't understand, all he knew was that neither of them necessarily wanted this baby. This wasn't planned, and based on how Gabby had been acting the last day and a half, he figured this should've been good news.
But if it was good news, he didn't know why tears had started to stream down her face. He didn't know why her shoulders began to shake, or why her breathing became shallow. And he didn't know why her tears soon turned into heavy cries.
Without a second thought, Matt pulled her into his arms, holding her to his chest as tightly as he could. She didn't fight it as Casey wrapped his arms around her back, Gabby slowly bringing her hands up to his waist, holding onto him as she broke down.
"It's okay." He murmured, moving his hand up to the back of her head, cradling her into his neck as he felt her tears hitting his skin. "It's alright."
Running his hand along her back, Casey continued to whisper comforting words in her ear as she cried, Matt not knowing what else to do. They needed to talk, he needed to know what was going on in her head, but right now that wasn't possible, not when she could barely breathe, let alone speak. But there was clearly a lot going on in her head right now, a lot he couldn't understand until she talked to him.
Slowly, he felt her beginning to calm down, her cries getting quieter, her body's shaking turning into trembling as she held onto him. But suddenly, he felt her grip on him loosen, Gabby pulling away from him without warning, almost reacting like his touch burned her by how quickly she backed away.
"Gabby…" He spoke carefully, watching as she turned her back to him, taking a few steps to distance herself as she faced the bed. He took a slight step closer to her, not wanting to push her, but something was clearly going on, and he wanted to help her. He wanted to understand.
"I, uh- I'm gonna go." She murmured, frantically wiping under her eyes, Matt's head tilting to the side in confusion.
"Gabby-"
"I'm gonna go home, I need to just- I need to go." She rambled, blinking quickly before she turned to face him, her eyes darting around to avoid his gaze. "I need to go home."
Gabby began walking towards the door, but Matt stopped her, blocking her path and gently grabbing her arms. "Wait, Gabby- Talk to me, what's going on?" He tried, but Gabby shook her head.
"It's nothing-" Her breath caught in her throat, Gabby shaking her head as she slid out of his grasp yet again. "I'm fine, I just… I'm gonna go home."
"You don't need to leave." He spoke, Gabby's steps slowing as she got to the door. "Whatever's going on, we don't have to discuss it right now… I know this has been a lot, the last day. We don't have to talk about it now, but you don't need to leave." He tried again, but her could feel her slipping away, and he couldn't stop her.
"I'm fine, Matt." She replied, plastering a fake smile on her face. It wasn't Gabby's smile, and he knew it. Even if he just saw that smile without knowing what was going on, he'd know she was upset just by the look on her face. And the tears still sitting in her eyes weren't helping things either. "I'm just… like you said, this has all been a lot, I'm sorry for… that." She spoke with a grimace, Matt knowing she was alluding to the breakdown she'd just had, Matt shaking his head, wanting to tell her it was okay but she kept talking before he could. "But I'm fine, I promise. I, uh- I'm glad that- that the tests were negative, we dodged a bullet there." She spoke, trying to keep her voice light, Matt's eyebrows furrowing as the frown stayed permanently etched into his face. "I'll see you later, Matt."
And with that, she was gone, Matt drawing in a deep breath as he listened to her leave his apartment, Casey not making a move until he heard the front door shut.
He was completely stunned, Matt still not entirely sure he had grasped what just happened.
This should've been good news, it should've been a relief, but Gabby's reaction was the exact opposite of that. And he didn't understand why.
Despite him hoping that they weren't pregnant, he had prepared himself for those tests coming back positive. With Gabby's symptoms, a pregnancy made sense. So he had prepared himself for them to be having a baby, and he wasn't sure if Gabby had done the same thing. He meant what he told her, they would've figured it out, and they would've been fine. But when those tests were negative, he felt nothing but relief.
But the same couldn't be said for Gabby, and he wanted to know why.
He knew he'd never be able to fully understand what all was going on in her head, but he wanted to try. He wanted to try and help if he could, but that would be impossible if she ran away every time he tried to talk to her. She had reverted back into the same thing she used to do when they first met, and he hated it, because he thought they were past that. He thought they were in a different place now than they were then, but apparently they hadn't made as much progress as he thought, if they'd made any at all.
He wasn't sure if part of her had wanted this child, or if she'd come to terms with it to the point that she'd just expected to be pregnant, and that had caused her reaction. But whatever it was, whatever the reason for her reaction, he wouldn't judge her for it. If she wanted this baby, that was a discussion they needed to have, but he just wanted to know what was going on. He couldn't help if she kept shutting him out.
If he couldn't get her to talk to him, he wasn't sure there was anything he could do.
Gabby haphazardly strapped her shift bag over her shoulder as she stood on the sidewalk, double checking to make sure she'd locked her car before slowly walking up the path towards the firehouse, trying to mentally prepare herself for the long twenty-four hours ahead. As she walked along the concrete, she caught a glimpse of some of her coworkers, Gabby keeping her head down towards the pavement as she walked to the garage, not wanting to invite any conversation if she could help it.
When she caught sight of a familiar blonde walking in with her roommate, Gabby picked up her pace, wanting to get somewhere with other people before her partner could catch up to her, Dawson knowing that the second Shay saw her, she'd immediately want to talk. And Gabby couldn't handle that right now.
Moving through the hallways skillfully, Gabby soon got to the locker room, flashing weak smiles to anyone she happened to walk past along the way, continuing her quick pace as to not invite any possible conversation. Things had been hard enough for her the last two days, and after another restless night last night, she wasn't really in the mood for chit chat.
With her head down, she made her way to her locker, quickly putting her things away, giving short greetings to anyone who spoke to her before she made her way through the locker room towards the bathroom, wanting to kill more time before she went out into the firehouse. She knew once shift officially started, she could spend mosts of her time out in the rig, but she knew she wouldn't be able to go and hide out in the ambulance until after second shift's morning meetings, so for now the bathroom would do.
Standing at the sink, Gabby looked at herself in the mirror for a second, grimacing as she took in the sight of the tired woman staring back at her. Anyone who saw her for more than a second would be able to see how exhausted the paramedic was, Gabby not doing much of anything to hide the dark circles under her eyes, accompanied by the prominent bags there, her usually bright eyes now dull, barely showing much sign of life.
In the past forty eight hours, she'd barely gotten any sleep, and her body was definitely paying the price for that.
Since leaving Casey's apartment the other morning, she hadn't spoken to him, or Shay, or anyone. He'd reached out, he'd tried to call her and text her, as well as showing up at Antonio's apartment once yesterday; but each time she ignored him. And she ignored Shay's calls as well.
A lone voicemail from her partner told Gabby that the paramedic knew about what happened, that she wasn't pregnant, and Gabby could only assume Shay had found that out from Casey after Dawson ignored her first few calls. And there had been a few calls and texts from her friend since then, but she didn't answer them. She didn't want to talk to her, she didn't want to talk to anyone.
But she knew she wouldn't be able to get away with that for much longer. Casey had been persistent these last few days, and she knew that would only continue on shift. He meant well, she knew he did, but she didn't want to talk about it right now. She didn't know if she could talk about it right now, or ever. And she wasn't sure if Matt would understand that.
Glancing down at her watch, she saw it was almost officially time for shift change, Gabby making sure the back of her shirt was tucked in as she moved towards the exit. Just as she was about to push the door open, it began moving out towards her, Gabby stepping out of the way quickly as to not get hit by whoever was coming in, the person obviously unaware of her presence.
Her eyes widened slightly when she saw who was on the other side of the door, the firefighter matching her expression instantly, Casey stopping halfway through the doorway when he noticed her.
Neither of them knew what to say, Gabby blinking quickly as her eyes darted around, Matt keeping his gaze trained on her, the Lieutenant taking a deep breath.
"Sorry, I didn't know you were there." He eventually spoke up, Gabby meeting his eyes.
"It's fine, Casey." She murmured, Matt's eyebrows furrowing at her use of his last name, the firefighter's eyes trailing over her tired face, his concern only growing when he saw her exhausted demeanor.
"Gabby-"
"I gotta get out there." She cut him off, Matt's jaw tightening before he reluctantly nodded, the Lieutenant clicking his tongue against the roof of his mouth before he stepped out of the way, Gabby slipping out of the bathroom without another word.
Doing what she could to push all thoughts of Casey out of her head, she walked the short distance to the conference room, swallowing the lump in her throat as she walked inside, seeing most of second shift already in there. With her eyes bouncing around the room, Gabby unintentionally met Walker's gaze, the man staring at her intently even though she quickly looked away. Seeing an open table across the room, Dawson stepped inside, moving to the empty table in the corner, placing herself down in the seat, clasping her hands together in her lap as she waited for Boden.
As the remaining few firefighters began flooding into the room, Gabby looked up to see Shay and Casey walk in together, the two wearing equally concerned looks as they spoke in hushed tones. She knew what they were talking about, or rather who they were talking about; they were talking about her. And her suspicions were proved correct when they immediately halted their conversation once they saw Dawson's eyes on them.
With a quick reassuring squeeze on his shoulder, Shay broke away from Casey, the paramedic walking towards her partner while Casey made his way to the back wall, taking up his usual position beside Severide.
Gabby focused her attention on her hands resting on the table as Shay came over to her, the blonde sitting down in the chair beside Dawson without saying anything. Gabby could feel her friend's gaze on her, Shay clearly thinking over her words before speaking up.
"Look, I know you don't want to talk." She started, her voice low, not wanting to attract the attention of anyone else in the room. "And I'll respect that… But I just need to know that you're okay."
Gabby lifted her head, looking towards her friend, finding a soft, reassuring smile waiting for her, Dawson biting down on the inside of her cheek as she responded with a slow nod.
"I'm good." She promised, Shay's worried eyes tracing over her friend's face before nodding.
"Alright, good." Shay responded simply, patting Gabby's arm just as Boden walked into the room, everyone giving the man their complete attention.
"I'm gonna go get some food, do you want anything?" Shay asked as she turned the rig off, Gabby shaking her head before the blonde stepped out of the ambulance, the pair having just returned to 51 after their first call of the day.
"No, I'm okay. I'm gonna get started on inventory." She replied, Shay giving her a knowing look before nodding. The blonde knew Gabby was avoiding the firehouse, or more accurately she was avoiding one person inside the firehouse. And while Shay didn't really agree with the way Gabby was handling this, she didn't question it. Dawson was clearly struggling, and even though she didn't understand why, Shay wouldn't do anything to make that worse.
"Alright, I won't be long."
"Take your time, it's fine." Dawson assured her, Shay giving her another nod before shutting her door, heading through the garage.
Once she was alone, Gabby blew out a heavy breath, leaning up off her seat slightly to pull her radio off her body, placing the item on the dashboard. Leaning forward, her elbows rested on her legs as her head fell into her hands, Dawson taking slow breaths as she took a moment to herself.
It was days like these she wished the house was busier than they were. It was lunch time, and 61 had only been called out once, while 81 and squad 3 hadn't been called out at all. It was unusual, and Gabby couldn't help but wonder what the universe was trying to tell her; a day where she was doing all she could to avoid certain people and certain conversations, she was not getting any help at all.
It wasn't that she wanted to avoid Matt, she truly didn't, but she didn't know how to explain what was going on in her head. She wasn't even sure what was going on, and she didn't know how to tell him that. But instead of just talking to him, she was avoiding it.
She hated that she did this, she wished she could just confront things head on, but it was hard to do that when she'd been forced to do otherwise the last three years. She wished she didn't shy away from these types of conversations, she didn't used to. She didn't used to run away when things got hard, but it was a defense mechanism that had been ingrained in her since things with Bryan started to go south, and it was hard to break the habit now.
She just didn't know how to explain any of that to Matt.
Gabby knew he had to have been frustrated, and probably confused, about her radio silence, and she couldn't blame him. She knew she needed to talk to him, that they needed to talk, but this went so much deeper than that negative pregnancy test, deeper into feelings she'd locked away long ago, feelings she still hadn't dealt with and that she didn't necessarily completely understand. And she wasn't sure she could face all that again.
Soft tapping on her window pulled Gabby from her thoughts, Dawson lifting her head up to find Casey standing on the other side of the door. She saw the frown already present on his face deepen when he took in her appearance, Gabby blowing out a heavy breath before she began opening the door, Matt stepping out of the way to give her room to get out.
There was an uncomfortable feeling in the air around them, Gabby leaning her body weight into the ambulance once she'd settled her feet on the ground, Matt keeping some space between them, his hands shoved into his pockets as his eyes traced over her body, getting his first good look at her in a couple days.
"You haven't been answering my calls." He spoke softly, Gabby blinking quickly as she glanced to the ground, her arms crossed over her chest. Her tongue poked out between her teeth, wetting her dry lips as she tried to figure out how to respond, suddenly feeling very vulnerable under his stare.
"Yeah, I uh… I'm sorry, I've just been…" Her voice trailed off, Gabby unsure of what to say as she shrugged her shoulders, refusing to look him in the eye.
Matt's face softened when he saw her clear hesitation, Casey releasing a heavy breath as he took a step towards her. "What's going on, Gabby?" His voice was barely audible, Gabby forcing herself to look up once she heard the slight desperation in his words. When she didn't say anything, Casey continued speaking, wringing his hands together in front of his body. "I just… I know you're ignoring me, but I don't know why. I want to help you, whatever caused you to…" He trailed off, Gabby biting down on her bottom lip roughly. "Whatever's going on, I want to understand, I want to help, but I can't if you won't talk to me."
Casey took a few deep breaths after he finished his thought, rambling out everything he'd been thinking over the last forty eight hours, Matt keeping his eyes locked on her while they stood in complete silence, his words hanging thickly in the air between them.
"I'm not ignoring you." She eventually spoke up, Casey responding with an unimpressed look as he mimicked her stance, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Gabby-"
"Okay, maybe I was… But it's just cause there's nothing to talk about." She breathed out, Matt's eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "I'm fine, there's nothing to discuss."
"You're not fine." He responded immediately, shaking his head as Gabby tightened her jaw. "You're obviously not fine, and that's okay. You don't have to be, but I just want to understand… I thought this was a good thing." He continued, glancing around before taking another step forward, his voice dropping. "I thought you not being pregnant was what you wanted…"
"Matt…"
"Is that what this is?" He questioned before she could say anything else, Gabby cocking her head to the side. "Are you upset because you're not pregnant?"
Her eyes widened the second the words left his lips, a look of near disbelief covering her face as he watched her with sympathetic eyes. "What?" She asked, a soft scoff escaping her lips. "Are you serious? You really think I wanted to be pregnant?"
"Well what exactly am I supposed to think?" He questioned back, seeing Gabby's defenses rising as she straightened her spine. "You were upset about just the thought of being pregnant, but then the second we found out you weren't, you broke down and then bolted." He continued, his words coming out stronger than he intended, Gabby's eyes narrowing slightly. "Now you won't talk to me, you'll barely look at me, what else am I supposed to think?" Matt breathed out, running his hand over his mouth, shaking his head slightly. "I just want to understand, Gabby. I want to know what happened. You were upset the second that test was negative, and I don't know why."
"Why does it matter?" She fired back, her mouth moving before she even really processed his words, seeing Matt visibly deflate as a look of what she could only describe to be annoyance covered his face.
"Not this again…" He muttered, Gabby's glare focusing on him as she pushed herself off the ambulance.
"Excuse me?" She questioned, anger beginning to flood her body as she registered his reaction.
"I'm sorry, but I can't do all this with you again, Gabby. I can't…"
"So don't." She replied sharply, Matt's eyes falling closed for a split second as he tried to keep himself calm. He knew what she was doing, it was the exact same thing she'd done from the moment they met, but he was really getting tired of it. "You've made it very clear, we're not together. And you didn't knock me up, so you have no obligation to me anymore. You have no reason to try and fix this."
"Can you stop? Just please stop!" He pleaded almost immediately, his voice raising as he spoke, Gabby clenching her throat tightly. "Please stop doing this."
"Stop doing what?" She asked roughly, clearing the emotion from her voice.
"Pushing me away!" He replied without hesitation, Gabby wincing slightly at the force of his voice, Dawson hearing his clear frustration. "Time and time again, I do everything I can to show you that I'm here for you, and every single fucking time you push me away."
"That's not true." She was quick to defend herself, Casey shaking his head slowly.
"Yes, it is… It's been that way since we started this thing. You shut down when things get hard, and I'm guessing it's probably been that way for awhile… with everything you went through with Walker," Gabby's entire body went rigid when he mentioned Bryan, but she said nothing, Matt continuing on, "And I don't know if that's what this is, but you don't trust me… And I don't know what else I can do to show you I'm here. Because me telling you over and over doesn't seem to do any good. You don't believe me no matter how many times I tell you." He breathed out in frustration, Gabby blinking back the few tears forming in her eyes.
"I know you're here for me, Matt." She responded after a few seconds, her voice soft as she tried to keep it together. "I get that, but you and I, we're not together." Gabby saw something flash in his eyes as the words left her lips, but she continued on. "You're not my boyfriend, so you don't need to constantly try and fix everything. I appreciate you wanting to look out for me, or whatever, but if we're not together, you don't need to…" She continued, Matt scoffing lightly as he shook his head. "It has nothing to do with me not trusting you, it's just that this isn't about you. I'm fine."
"Clearly." He muttered, Gabby's eyes returning back to her previous glare, Matt blowing out a sharp breath between his teeth. "I'm sorry, but that's bullshit and we both know it." He replied bitterly, Gabby biting down on the inside of her cheek roughly. "This is about me, this does involve me. You breaking down, sobbing when we found out you weren't pregnant, that doesn't sound very fine to me." The words left his lips before he could catch up with his brain, Gabby drawing in a shaky breath as her teeth clenched together tightly.
"...Weren't you the one who told me you'd never use how I felt against me?" She asked softly, her eyes glassy as Matt released a heavy sigh, the firefighter rubbing over his forehead tiredly.
"Is that really what you think I'm doing?" He questioned back, Gabby not giving much as a reaction. "After all this, after everything between us, that's what you think is happening? That I'm just trying to figure out how you're doing to… what? Use it against you?" He asked, Gabby swallowing thickly as Matt met her eyes. "Why would I ever do that? You know I wouldn't do that to you."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time." She responded quietly, Matt's eyes falling closed as he let out a deep breath, Casey furrowing his eyebrows before he opened his eyes again.
"So that is what this is about… It's because of him." He responded knowingly, Gabby clenching her neck as her eyes darted away from him. "You don't trust me because of him."
"I do trust you." She replied, but her voice was unsteady, Matt shaking his head as he took a slight step backwards.
"No you don't… You never have." He spoke immediately, Gabby breathing deeply. "And I don't think you can."
His words stunned her, Gabby's eyes widening slightly as Matt shook his head. "That's not true." She responded quickly, doing what she could to keep herself composed. "I do trust you, Matt. I just- I don't need you to always jump in and take care of me." She tried to explain, Casey's face unreadable. "Yeah, I know I was upset, but I'm a big girl. I can handle myself." She finished, Matt letting out a quiet scoff.
"Which is why every time you're upset, you end up in my bed."
Gabby's eyes widened in shock as his words hit her ears, Dawson seeing the immediate regret that covered his face when he realized what he said, like he himself hadn't even registered it until after the words left his lips. Matt's eyes fell closed, a slight grimace covering his face as he shook his head, Gabby feeling like she'd just gotten smacked across the face.
"Gabby…"
Shaking her head, Dawson stepped away from the ambulance, turning to walk towards the firehouse, needing to get away from him. But she barely took a step before she felt him grab ahold of her arm, the firefighter trying to stop her. His touch was light, she could barely feel it, Matt only holding on enough to keep her in place.
"Wait, Gabby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I just-"
"Let me go, Matt."
The second those words left her lips, Casey dropped his hand from her arm, taking a step away from her. Without another word, she kept walking, Matt moving towards the ambulance as he released a heavy breath of frustration, slamming his hand against the side of the rig.
He never should've said that, it wasn't fair to her and he knew it. He was just so frustrated because it felt like he could never get through to her, he could never get her to believe him and the words just slipped out.
But now the problem was he'd given her a reason not to believe him. Because he'd done the one thing he swore he never would, the one thing she'd just wrongly accused him of.
He used her own feelings against her. And now she had no reason to trust him.
"God Kelly, if you take my food one more time." Shay chastised, smacking her best friend's hand as he reached for more of the crackers on her plate, Kelly rolling his eyes before tossing the food into his mouth. "Just get your own damn food, I swear."
"No." He replied with his mouth full, grabbing another cracker off her plate.
"I swear to God." She replied angrily, smacking the back of his head, her actions earning a chuckle from the firefighter.
She was about to yell at him again when one of the doors opened from the garage, everyone turning in surprise when it slammed against the wall, no one expecting the source of anger to be coming from Dawson as the paramedic stormed inside, turning the corner without another word.
"Oh no." Shay breathed out, sliding her plate in front of Kelly, everyone else in the room glancing around to one another, unsure of what just happened.
"Uh…" Herrmann spoke up first, turning to look back towards Shay. "Does anyone know what that was about?"
Severide shook his head, even though he knew at least part of it, the Lieutenant's gaze quickly finding Walker's, confusion filling Kelly's body when he saw the almost concerned look in Bryan's eyes. But he quickly moved on from it when Shay got up beside him, Severide looking up towards his best friend.
"I got her." Shay murmured, Kelly nodding before he turned his attention back to Shay's lunch that was now his, Severide taking a bite of her sandwich. The blonde paramedic left the room without another word, ignoring all the stares on her as she turned the corner, beginning the walk down the hallway, going in search of her partner.
"Severide." Herrmann spoke up, the firefighter looking up towards the older man, finding an expectant gaze waiting for him.
"What?" He questioned after swallowing his food, Herrmann glancing back towards the hallway before returning his gaze to Kelly.
"What's going on with Dawson?"
"She's fine." Kelly replied lamely, Herrmann narrowing his eyes.
"She doesn't seem fine… She's been acting a little off lately." He pressed, his gaze flickering towards Walker before looking back to Kelly.
"I don't know what you want me to tell you, she's fine. It's nothing you need to worry about." Severide spoke, effectively ending anymore questioning as he went back to his newspaper, taking another bite of the food in front of him.
Further inside the house, Shay was still in search of Dawson, having not found her friend inside the bunk room or in the bathroom. But when the blonde made her way into the locker room, she quickly found who she was looking for, seeing Dawson hunched over on the bench, her head resting in her hands, unaware of her best friends presence.
Taking a step closer, Shay sat down next to Dawson, the movement causing Gabby's head to snap up. A frown immediately covered Shay's face when she saw the tears sitting in Dawson's eyes, Gabby blinking furiously to try and compose herself, but she dropped the facade when realized it was only her partner.
"Hey." Gabby spoke quietly, sniffling softly as she ran her hands over her legs, moving her gaze forward.
"What happened?" She asked softly, rubbing her hand gently over Gabby's back, Dawson shrugging slightly. "I know you haven't really wanted to talk, but I know you're having a hard time, Gabs… What happened out there with Matt?" Shay had seen Casey go out into the garage while she was making her lunch, and while at the time she was glad they were going to talk, it seemed like that conversation didn't go too well. And if she couldn't get Gabby to talk to her about everything with the pregnancy test, she could at least try to get her to talk about Casey.
"I don't even know… Casey tried to talk to me, and I just- I couldn't deal with it, and we both said things and… Everything is just such a mess. This pregnancy scare ruined everything and now I don't know what to do." She breathed out, her voice shaky as she leaned forward, resting her head in her hands.
"Okay…" Shay replied carefully, running her tongue along her bottom lip as she tried to figure out where to start. "What did he say?"
"What?"
"I know you said that both of you said things, but he obviously said something that has you this upset… What'd he say?"
"It doesn't matter." Gabby replied quickly, shaking her head. "It's just exactly what I knew would happen, why I knew I couldn't tell him how I feel… because it always ends the same." The blondes eyebrows furrowed as she heard Dawson's words, confusion filling her body.
"Okay honey, you gotta give me more here, I don't know what you mean."
"He… He was mad because he doesn't think I trust him, but I do. It's just that I don't always need him to jump in and fix everything. But he doesn't get that, or he doesn't see it that way or whatever, and we were going back and forth… I said how I was fine, how I can handle myself, and he basically said that was a lie because every time I'm upset I end up in his bed."
Shay pursed her lips together, taking a deep breath as she thought over Gabby's words. Obviously, she didn't hear the entire conversation, she didn't hear what all was said, but she knew Dawson wouldn't lie about that. And for Casey to actually say that to her, she could only imagine how frustrated he was.
"Well… I'm not gonna excuse that, he shouldn't have said that to you, and I'm gonna kick his ass for it… but I think the basis of what he was saying, or what he was trying to say… there might be some truth to it."
Dawson looked up slowly, Shay shooting her a sympathetic look.
"I'm sorry honey. He shouldn't have said that, but it seems to me like you're wanting it both ways… Because you do go to him when you need help, which you should. I'm glad you have that, I'm glad you have him. But then you go and tell him that you don't need him to help you through things, what exactly is he supposed to think?" Gabby's eyes fell closed as she listened to her friend talk, Shay continuously rubbing Dawson's back. "Obviously, you can handle yourself. Everyone here knows that. But when you can't, you've gone to Casey, at least lately. There's nothing wrong with that, and it doesn't excuse what he said, but you can't pick and choose when he's allowed to worry about you… especially when it's about something like this. I mean, if there's ever a time for him to be worried, it's when you break down after finding out you're not pregnant…"
Gabby remained silent as she thought over her friend's words, Shay giving her a second to digest everything as they sat there quietly, Dawson looking straight ahead to the lockers in front of her.
"...I know he's right." She breathed out, shaking her head as she clenched her jaw. "I keep him at arm's length, I know I do, I just-..."
"You love him and you're scared." Shay supplemented, Gabby bringing her hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose, feeling a headache creeping up into her system. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.. Just a headache." She breathed out, Shay shaking her head as she angled her body towards her friend.
"Did you ever go to the doctor? Figure out what was causing all your symptoms?" The blonde shifted the subject momentarily, Gabby giving her a nod.
"I went yesterday."
"And?"
"I'm definitely not pregnant." She replied, Shay nodding slowly. "And I'm not sick, either. My guess is just stress, from everything with Bryan…" Gabby trailed off, shrugging softly. "But yeah, I'm fine… Now if only I could get some sleep."
"Well, fixing things with Casey could probably help that." Shay responded, Gabby blowing out a breath between her teeth, shaking her head.
"Shay…" Gabby started, the blonde shooting her a knowing look.
"I'm sorry, but it's true Dawson. This thing you and Casey are doing, it's not fair to either of you… And you know that. You all need to talk. Actually talk. Not him trying to talk and you shutting him out." She tried, Gabby remaining silent. "But if you won't… Look, Dawson, I've been holding off on saying this because I know you're trying to figure things out, and I know how much you like him and want to be with him, but I think it's time you either tell him how you feel, or you end this." Gabby's head snapped up at Shay's words, not expecting to hear that from her partner. "I know you love him, but if he doesn't know that… this entire thing just keeps hurting you both. And pretty soon, words are gonna be said that can't be taken back... I love the both of you, I want you both to be happy, and I believe you two make each other happy. You know how I feel about you talking to him about everything… There's only so many times I can give you the same speech, I think you need to talk to him and you know that... But if you won't, or you can't, maybe it's best to just end this. Because you two are only gonna keep on getting hurt."
Dawson took a deep breath, rubbing her hand over the side of her face before she glanced towards the blonde, seeing a sympathetic look shining in her eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Gabby nodded, clicking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Yeah… maybe you're right." She breathed out, straightening out her back. "Maybe Matt and I- maybe this isn't such a good idea anymore."
Shay remained silent, dropping her hand from Gabby's back, bringing her arm back towards her lap, releasing a soft sigh. "If that's what you want, or what you think is best, then fine… But I don't want you to regret it… I don't want you to regret giving up something with Matt because you're scared."
"Didn't you just say I needed to make a decision about this?" She questioned, cocking her head to the side. "Well, there you go, there's my decision."
"Yeah, but you made the wrong one... Or you're at least making it for the wrong reasons." Shay responded shortly, pushing herself up from the bench. "Look, if you really think it's best to end things, okay. But I know you Gabby, and whatever decision you make, I want you to do it for the right reasons, and right now I don't think you are."
Before Dawson could get another word in, the bells run out, signaling the entire house to an apartment fire, Shay blowing out a heavy breath as Gabby stood up, the paramedics beginning to head for the garage.
"You know I'll support you, Gabby. You know that… But just, don't do anything while you're upset, or angry at Matt, because I think you'll regret it."
Dawson merely nodded, knowing now wasn't the time for them to continue this conversation, and quite frankly she wasn't sure it was a conversation she wanted to continue anyway. She knew what Shay was trying to do. When she brought up the idea of her ending things with Matt, she knew the blonde was hoping to put things into perspective, and cause Gabby to realize she didn't want that. But if the last few days were any indication, Gabby couldn't help but think it might not be the worst thing in the world.
The way her and Matt started things, she was starting to realize it was never a matter of if things would crash and burn, it was always a matter of when.
And maybe that time had finally come.
Gabby wiped down the top of the bar while Herrmann stood a few feet to her left, serving the small group of customers who needed refills, Dawson lost in her thoughts as she moved her towel over the same spot repeatedly. It had been a relatively slow night at Molly's, Gabby still fighting off the same headache she'd had for days. Shift had been tiring, and without being able to get much rest last night, or this afternoon before she came to work, the last thing she really wanted to do right now was be here, but she didn't really have much of a choice.
"Hey kid, you okay?" Herrmann spoke, Gabby not hearing him as she continued moving the rag against the bar top, her eyes focused forward. "Dawson."
Gabby looked up quickly when she registered her last name, finding the older man watching her closely as she turned her head towards him, his eyebrows raised as he gained Dawson's attention.
"Did you hear me?" He asked when she hadn't said anything, Gabby shaking her head slowly. "I asked if you were okay…"
"Oh yeah, I'm good, Herrmann." She responded a little too quickly, flashing him a weak smile, one that he definitely didn't buy. "Just a little worn out, but I'm fine."
Herrmann kept his eyes on her for a moment, before ultimately nodding. He had been worried about the paramedic a lot recently, ever since whatever incident that happened with Walker, he'd been doing what he could to keep a close eye on her, and by doing that he'd only continued to notice how defeated she seemed lately. She would have good days and bad days, but from what he'd seen, there had been more bad lately. And then her behavior on shift yesterday left him more worried than ever.
He knew there was something going on with her, but it wasn't his place to pry. All he could do was try and make her life a little easier.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" He offered, Dawson glancing back towards him. "We're not too busy, I'm fine to finish out the night on my own. You look like you could use some rest."
"Such a sweet talker, Herrmann." She joked softly, the firefighter shaking his head as he let out a low chuckle.
"That's not what I meant, I can just tell you're tired." He clarified, Gabby nodding as she gave him another smile. This one was a lot smaller, but he could tell it seemed more genuine than the first.
"No, that's okay, I'm fine." She responded softly, Herrmann keeping a close eye on her as he nodded. "Like you said, we're not too busy, I don't mind staying."
"Alright kid, well if that changes just let me know." He told her, Gabby giving him another nod before he began walking further down the bar, going to check on one of the few patrons enjoying a drink tonight.
After sparing a glance around the sparse room, Gabby turned her back to the bar, making herself busy as she fixed some of the bar glasses, trying to do whatever she could to make time move faster. The sound of bar door opening caught Dawson's attention, Gabby placing the glass in her hand down before wiping her palms against her pants, mentally preparing herself to deal with whatever customer had just come through the door.
Turning around, her eyes flickered towards the door quickly before glancing back down to the bar, not really paying much attention to who had come through the door. But her brain soon caught up to her eyes, Gabby swallowing the lump in her throat when she registered exactly who had just walked in, Dawson slowly lifting her gaze to see him coming towards her.
Casey walked up to the bar with a pensive look covering his face, his eyes flickering down the bar, taking in the sight of Herrmann tending to some customers before he looked back to Gabby, seeing her body visibly straighten as they locked eyes. Matt slowed his steps when he got closer, Gabby drawing in a deep breath as he placed his hands against the counter, neither of them dropping the other's gaze.
"Hey." He murmured, Gabby giving him a slow nod as she bit down on the inside of her cheek.
"Hi." She responded softly, blinking furiously before dropping his gaze, her eyes moving down towards the bar top.
Matt's eyes bounced around the room, seeing how it was practically empty, Casey catching Herrmann's gaze before he looked back to Gabby. "Can we, uh… I need to talk to you."
Gabby's eyes widened slightly, the paramedic sensing Herrmann approaching them as he moved towards her behind the bar.
"I'm working, Casey." She nearly whispered, Matt's eyes narrowing slightly.
"Hey there, Lieutenant." Herrmann greeted, effectively ending their conversation as Matt flashed him a warm smile.
"Hey Herrmann." He replied, the older firefighter glancing back and forth between the two.
"I wasn't expecting you here tonight, can I get you something to drink?"
"No, uh, I'm not here for that. I'm actually here cause I need to speak with Dawson." Gabby narrowed her eyes at him the second the words left his lips, Matt holding his firm stare on her. "Do you mind if I borrow her for a second?"
"No, no of course not." Herrmann responded slowly, sensing the uneasiness between the two as they stared at one another. "We're not very busy, I got it covered."
"Thanks Herrmann." Casey spoke, his eyes flickering towards the firefighter before looking back to Gabby, seeing the unimpressed look covering her face. "We need to talk." He spoke again, Gabby releasing a heavy breath as she tossed her towel down on the bar top.
Without a word, Gabby nodded towards the back, silently signaling him to head to the stock room. Understanding her meaning, Casey pushed himself off the bar, beginning to walk that way, Gabby following his lead as she walked towards the back, flashing Herrmann a tight smile as she passed him.
"I'm sorry, this shouldn't take long."
"It's fine, kid. Take all the time you need." He told her, Gabby nodding before she continued towards the door to the back, seeing it still swinging slightly from Casey having walked through it. Her steps slowed when she got closer, Gabby drawing in a deep breath before she pushed the door open, finding him standing just inside the room, his eyes already on her.
"Was all that really necessary?" She asked, letting the door fall closed behind her, Matt scoffing lightly.
"Was all what necessary? Me asking you to talk?"
"Not asking me to talk, but how you asked me. You didn't need to broadcast it to Herrmann." She challenged, Casey not bothering to stifle his eye roll as Gabby narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.
"I'm pretty sure he would've seen me come back here, there's like five people out there." He responded quickly, Gabby's glare zeroing in on him, Casey blowing out a heavy sigh as he shook his head, bringing his hand up to run over the side of his face. "I didn't really come here to fight with you again…"
"Then why are you here?" She asked quickly, keeping the distance between them as she moved towards the back, turning around to face him once there was a few feet in between them.
"You know why I'm here, Gabby." He responded with a pointed stare, Gabby biting down roughly on her tongue. "I'm here to talk, because we need to talk… And I need to apologize." He continued, clearing his throat as he took a slight step towards her. "That conversation earlier, that is not how I wanted it to go.. I just got frustrated, but what I said to you, that was wrong and I'm sorry." He breathed out, shaking his head. "I meant what I told you… I want you to be able to trust me, but I know I did the exact thing I promised I wouldn't and I'm sorry. I really am."
Gabby nodded slowly, dropping her eyes down to the ground as she ran her tongue along her bottom lip. "It's okay." She murmured, Matt releasing a deep breath before taking another step forward. "All that earlier, it really went bad pretty quickly…"
"Yeah, it did." He agreed, hesitantly reaching out and placing his hand on her arm, thankful when she didn't shy away from him. "I don't think I did a very good job of getting my point across, but I am always just trying to help, Gabby…"
"I know you are." She told him, Matt giving her a nod before continuing.
"And I do know you can handle yourself, I do… But I just want you to be able to trust me. Because right now it feels like you don't, and I don't think this thing between us… it can't work if you don't."
Gabby released a heavy sigh, shaking her head. She could feel the tides of this conversation turning already, and she knew it wouldn't end well. "I do trust you, Matt. I've told you over and over that I do, I don't know how to get you to believe me."
"Okay, but it doesn't feel like you do, Gabby." He murmured. "I believe you want to, or that you believe you do… but for whatever reason, you don't." Dawson's eyes fell closed as he spoke, Matt continuing on. "And I don't know how to do this if you won't talk to me… I'm not asking you to share your deepest, darkest secrets with me. I understand there's some things you just can't talk about, and I respect that, but I don't even know if that's what this is. You won't even tell me that, you just shut me out and I don't know what to do with that. I'd never try and force you to talk to me, that's not what this is, but I feel like I can't say anything to you without worrying about you taking it the wrong way, or overstepping, because you don't tell me anything…" He vented, Gabby remaining silent as he got everything off his chest. "And then everything with that pregnancy test…" Matt started, Gabby's body tensing immediately, Casey noticing her reaction. "...That's exactly what I'm talking about. Whatever that was, it's affecting you, and you won't talk to me about it. And yeah, maybe whatever it is doesn't have anything to do with me, but that pregnancy test did, and ever since then you've shut me out… If I'm being honest, you've shut me out with most things since we started all this."
Gabby watched him closely as he spoke, seeing him draw in a deep breath, Dawson raising her eyebrows once he'd gone silent for a few moments. "...Are you done?" She questioned, Matt's face falling as he visibly deflated, realizing they were in no better place than they were five minutes ago.
"Gabby…"
"What? All of this has clearly been bothering you for awhile, if there's anything else, go ahead and get it off your chest now." She responded, Matt rubbing his hand over his forehead.
"I'm trying to communicate with you, Gabby. I'm talking to you… you know, like you refuse to do with me." He responded frustratedly, Dawson releasing a slight scoff.
"Matt, just stop. Please, stop." She spoke, watching as his eyebrows furrowed in confusion, clearly unsure of the actual meaning of her words. "From the moment we met, you were trying to fix me. And I've told you over and over that I don't need you to do that. I don't know why you feel so inclined to 'fix me', but please just stop."
"I'm not trying to fix you." He responded almost immediately, shaking his head. "Me caring about you doesn't mean I'm trying to fix you. You don't need fixing, I know that… I'm not trying to do anything except get you to trust me. Something is wrong, something is seriously bothering you, and it has to do with that pregnancy test, and that's not something that just affects you. All I'm asking here is that for once, you don't shut me out."
"And how about for once you quit trying to swoop in and pick up the pieces?" She fired back, crossing her arms over her chest defensively. "You say you've told me time and time again that you're here for me, well I've told you time and time again that I don't need you to fix everything in my life, I told you that the first time we met, and multiple times since, and yet you're still doing it! You won't stop, and I don't know why-"
"Because I care about you!" He nearly shouted.
"Well don't!" She responded with just as much force, both their chests heaving as they stood face to face, equally frustrated and angry with one another, Matt shaking his head as he took a steadying breath.
"I can't keep doing this, Gabby... " He eventually spoke up, Gabby clenching her jaw tightly. "I can't keep having this same fight over and over."
"What even is this, Matt?" She questioned back, Casey meeting her gaze, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
"I…" He started, but he wasn't sure what else to say, missing the look of devastation that flashed in her eyes.
"Exactly." She responded, blinking back the tears in her eyes. "I don't even know what we're doing anymore… And all this, all the headache, all the mess- is it really worth it? Just for some sex?" She questioned, Casey's neck tightening as he remained silent. "I mean, is it even worth it anymore?"
Casey blinked tightly, taking a slight step back from her as his eyes traced over her face. "...Are you saying this is over?" He asked, his voice barely audible, Gabby's bottom lip quivering slightly before she answered.
"I don't even know what this is." She responded just as quietly. "...What even were we in the first place?" She asked again, hoping for some sort of confirmation that she wasn't the only one who thought they had something more. Hoping for something, anything, that would give her a reason to completely give herself to the man in front of her.
But that confirmation never came, Matt's eyes darting around before he spoke. "I don't know, I just thought-" He cuts himself off, Gabby's face remaining blank as the words left his lips, Casey releasing a heavy sigh. "...I guess we were nothing."
Gabby's eyes fell closed momentarily, his words slicing through her like a knife as tears filled her eyes. But she quickly gathered herself, not willing to let him see the effect he had on her, Gabby forcing herself to look at him, seeing a look she couldn't read in his eyes.
"...I won't bother you anymore… I'm sorry for bothering you in the first place." He finished, turning around and exiting the back room without another word, leaving the broken women behind as her tears spilled over, both their hearts crumbling in their chests as Casey angrily left the bar.
Well… I'm sorry. I really am. But I know many of you knew this was a possibility. Trust me, I struggled with this chapter a lot, hence it taking me a week, because I tried my hardest to take this the right way for the characters and where they are now. But I am sorry for this, hopefully you guys will wanna stick around with me to see how this plays out. You all remember how much I love Dawsey, right? ;)
I'm super eager to hear your feedback on this one, good and bad. Thank you so much for reading. Your continued support means the world to me.
Also, just a reminder, they'll be no update until next Monday. I hope you all have a fantastic week, and a great Thanksgiving to those who celebrate!
Until the next.