Hello everyone! I wanna take a moment to apologize for no update last week, I was focused on other stories and getting things updated, and didn't have enough time to devote to this story. So I wasn't able to get this chapter up for you all. But I'm back, and ready for you all to see what's happening next.
I hope you all like this one. It's another pretty heavy chapter, but it includes some of the things you all have been looking forward to seeing, so I hope you like it. Thanks for reading!
Trigger Warning: A scene of domestic assault is described in this chapter. It is closer towards the end, and the entire scene is written in italics. So it is easy to find and skip if you're unable to read it. I just wanted to let you all know.
FIFTY TWO
Gabby's eyes trailed over her form through the mirror while she tightened her ponytail, the woman's gaze pausing on the CFD emblem resting over her chest before she continued looking over her uniform for the long shift ahead of her. Drawing in a deep breath, her hands came down to smooth out her tucked in shirt, Gabby vaguely hearing the sounds of Matt moving around his room as she stood in the bathroom.
The feeling in the air had been a little tense to start the day, both of them knowing this was not just any shift they were preparing for. This wasn't a normal day, where they'd just go to the firehouse and go about their work. This was their first shift back, their first day after that awful call nearly two weeks ago. This was the first time either of them would be seeing their friends since everything happened, and the paramedic was feeling more nervous for that than she cared to admit.
She wasn't sure what to expect from everyone at the firehouse, and how they'd react to her since they found out what had been going on. Though she still wasn't even sure the extent of what they knew, she was aware they knew enough. They knew Walker had hurt her, and that it hadn't been the first time, either. And that was enough to make her want to crawl back into bed and give herself a little more time before having to face them. But she knew she couldn't do that, not when she'd made a promise to herself that she wouldn't let this control her anymore.
When Matt was ready and able to return to shift, she was going back as well. That's the promise she'd made to herself right after this happened, and she intended to keep it.
But that didn't make the thought of facing her friends any easier.
"Hey."
Gabby's eyes snapped into focus when she heard that familiar, comforting voice, the paramedic turning to look back towards the door, finding her boyfriend's warm eyes waiting for her as he stood in the doorway. He was nearly ready for shift, his grey polo partially tucked into the unbuttoned pants hanging off his hips, Gabby watching as he continued tucking the material into place.
"Hi." She replied, turning her entire body towards him while he zipped up his blue pants, Matt clasping the button before working on his belt, Gabby leaning her hip into the counter.
"You almost ready?" He asked with a soft smile, Matt walking further into the room as Gabby gave him a slight nod, humming in response as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I was thinking we could stop and get some breakfast before work, we've got enough time." He suggested, Gabby raising her eyebrows as he took another step closer to her, Matt reaching out to place a hand on her arm.
"Sounds good, babe." She murmured, Gabby feeling him squeeze her arm gently before he leaned forward, pressing a soft, lingering kiss to the side of her head. She relaxed into his body immediately, his presence calming her nerves as she reached out to rest her hand against his chest, Matt kissing her head once more.
They stood there for a moment, Matt feeling Gabby's hand grip onto his shirt slightly as she blew out a shaky breath against his neck, his eyebrows furrowing in worry when he felt how tense she was. Releasing a soft sigh, Matt pressed one last quick kiss to her temple before pulling back slightly, meeting Gabby's tired brown eyes.
"...Are you sure you're ready for this?" He spoke softly, voicing the question he'd asked her multiple times over the last two days, Gabby running her tongue along her bottom lip before giving him a rather unconvincing nod.
"Your suspension is over… It's time to go back." She responded, loosening the grip on his shirt slightly before running her hand down to his side, Matt's face softening as he shook his head back and forth a few times.
"That's not what I'm talking about." He murmured, though he knew he didn't need to. She was more than aware of what he was referring to, and they both knew it, Gabby pursing her lips together as her gaze moved down in between them, focusing on his chest. "We don't have to go in today… If you need more time, we don't have to go." He told her, his hand moving up to cup her neck gently as his thumb stroked along her jaw, the action eventually causing her to look back up at him. "I can call Boden, tell him we can't come to shift." His voice was soft and understanding, the pensive look covering Gabby's face telling him she was seriously considering his offer. But after a few seconds, she still hadn't said anything, Matt tapping his index finger against her neck lightly before speaking up again. "...I mean it, babe. If you need more time, just say the word."
Drawing in a deep breath, Gabby shook her head, his thumb tracing her jaw as she slid her hand around to his back, gently nudging him closer. "No, it's okay." She spoke, Matt's head tilting to the side. "I want to go."
"Gabby…" He tried, but she shook her head once more.
"I want to try and get back to normal." She told him, Matt's eyes locking with hers as he looked for any signs of deception. But he found none. He saw some nerves, and a lot of hesitance, but she wasn't lying to him. "I just… I need things back to normal." Gabby admitted, earning an immediate nod from the man holding onto her. "And getting back to work, getting back into that… I just need to rip the bandaid off. Everyone knows, to some extent, that Walker had-" Her voice got caught in her throat, Matt nodding supportively as he waited for her to get the words out. "That Bryan had been hurting me, and me waiting another shift won't change that. It won't make facing them any easier, so I just need to go, and get it over with…" She breathed out, Matt waiting for a moment to make sure she'd finished speaking before he gave her another strong nod.
"Okay." He replied, smiling softly at her. "We'll go… But remember, I'm here. If you need me at all, I'm right here."
His words brought a small smile to her lips, Gabby pushing herself forward to press a light kiss against his mouth, Matt reciprocating immediately as his free hand came up to grasp her hip. She pulled back almost as quickly as she'd gotten there, Gabby's eyes staying closed while he kept his on her, Matt feeling her hold around his back tighten.
"I know you are." She responded after a few seconds, Gabby slowly opening her eyes to find him already watching her. "And I might take you up on that, but right now I'm okay." She promised, her words as much for herself as they were for him.
"Okay." He repeated, Matt leaning in to capture one last kiss before he pulled back, the man slowly moving out her grasp. "Well then let's get out of here.. I'm starving." He spoke lightly, Casey winking at her just before he stepped out of the bathroom, his playful demeanor helping ease her nerves as she finished up getting ready for shift.
Gabby drew in a deep, steadying breath as she stared at the firehouse, her eyes focused on the few familiar faces she saw already walking inside while her and Matt stayed put in his truck. They'd arrived at 51 nearly ten minutes ago after enjoying breakfast at their favorite diner, Gabby quickly telling him she needed a moment before they went inside. But that one moment turned into many, and she still hadn't made a single move to go inside. She just kept watching people filter in and out of the firehouse, while Matt remained a strong, yet quiet, presence by her side, their clasped hands resting in between them on the bench.
"We, uh-" He finally spoke up, clearing his throat as Gabby looked his way. "We should probably get in there soon… I'm sure the Chief will want to talk to us." He told her, Gabby nodding slightly before looking back towards the firehouse. Squeezing his hand gently, she pulled hers away and pushed open her door, Matt following her lead as they both got out of his truck, the firefighter shouldering both their bags. Once he made sure the vehicle was locked, he hurried around to the sidewalk where Gabby was waiting for him, Matt instantly reaching for her hand and lacing his fingers through hers, the man waiting for her to take the first step before they started walking.
Truthfully, Casey had no idea what to expect walking into this firehouse, and he knew Gabby didn't either. And that's what had her nervous.
The closer they got to the open garage doors, the slower her steps became, Matt keeping them moving forward as he felt her hand begin to clam up in his. As they got to the entrance, they were able to see a group of firefighters huddled around the rigs, Matt knowing it was only a matter of seconds before someone saw them, the man sparing a quick glance to his girlfriend, Casey surprised to find her eyes already on him.
"You've got this." He murmured, his words flooding her ears and bringing a soft smile to her face, Matt giving her hand another supportive squeeze before they stepped into the garage, their presence soon being noticed by everyone.
"There they are!" Severide greeted the second he saw them, Kelly's voice causing everyone to look over towards the garage door, the men and women of 51 seeing their truck Lieutenant and PIC slowly walking further into the garage, the latter staying a step behind Casey as they got closer to their friends.
"Hey guys." Matt spoke up, hoping him replying would keep the conversation going, but even from the few seconds he'd been around his coworkers, he knew they were a little unsure of what to say.
Their eyes were bouncing back and forth between Casey and Dawson, Matt noticing their stares lingering on the paramedic longer than he would've liked. He knew they were concerned, and he couldn't blame them for not knowing what to say, but this is exactly why he'd spoken to Boden when he did. He was hoping with some warning, they'd be able to treat Gabby normally by the time they got back to work. But, despite whatever intentions they had, it was clear seeing her in person had left them all a bit stunned.
There was no physical damage that could be seen, the bruises on her neck had all but healed, Matt having more visible remains of what had happened to him than Gabby. But even with there not being any marks they could see, they were looking at her like there were; like she had signs of past abuse written all over her skin. And had Gabby not been standing directly beside him, he would've said something to snap them out of it. But bringing more attention to it was bound to make it worse, so he settled for sending glares to anyone who met his gaze, Casey silently urging them to stop looking at her the way they were.
"It's good to see you back on your feet." Severide spoke up, the man knowing more than most just how nervous Gabby was to come back here, Kelly wanting to do anything he could to help. "But, I gotta say, I think we missed Dawson around here more than you." He added lightly, his words causing Gabby to look up from the spot she'd been focused on on the ground, her eyes immediately landing on Kelly.
"Yeah, I'm not surprised… I know who the favorite is." Casey replied with a scoff, his light demeanor earning a few laughs from the firefighters around him, the initial shock they all felt slowly fading.
"Well, sorry Lieutenant but she's been here longer." Herrmann finally spoke up, the older man smiling as he took a step towards them, Gabby's gaze flashing towards him.
The look she was met with immediately lessened some of the tension in her shoulders, Herrmann's gentle smile greeting her as he quickly brought her into a tight hug, Gabby dropping her hold on Matt's hand to return the gesture.
"We're so glad to see you, kid." He spoke softly, Gabby giving him an extra squeeze before she pulled back, Herrmann giving her a strong, knowing look, hoping to convey the words he knew he shouldn't say, at least not here. And by the look in her eye, he knew she understood him, Gabby blinking quickly before giving him a slight nod, the man bringing her in for another quick hug before different firefighters came up to greet them.
As everyone came to greet them, Matt was thankful to see Gabby's walls coming down the longer she spent with everyone, the chatter that had overtaken the group providing them both with the sense of normalcy he knew she needed, Gabby staying tucked close to his side while Cruz spoke of one of the crazier calls they'd missed during their time away. But as they all stood around and talked, Casey couldn't help but notice the distance from one of their friends in particular, Matt's eyes continuously going back to Shay. The paramedic had stayed back since they got here, the sadness shining in her eyes evident as she hung back beside Severide, Shay having been focused on Dawson from the second they walked into the garage.
Admittedly, Matt didn't know too much about how Shay, or the rest of the house, had been handling finding out about Gabby, just a few comments here and there that he'd heard from Severide. But from what little he did know, he knew Shay had taken this entire thing very hard, harder than anyone else here by the looks of it. But knowing how fiercely protective the paramedic had been over Dawson from the day he got here, he couldn't say he was surprised to see what this entire thing had done to her. And he was sure the fact that Gabby had yet to reach out to her probably hadn't helped with whatever feelings she was struggling with.
Casey's gaze snapped away from Shay when he heard the bells go off above them, their conversation coming to a halt as they waited to see who all was needed, Matt glancing towards the woman by his side as ambulance 61 and squad 3 were called out to a car accident.
"You good?" He questioned softly, keeping his voice as low as possible as to not draw attention to them, but by some of the glances he saw out of the corner of his eye, he knew Herrmann and Otis had heard him.
"I'm fine." She replied just as quietly, Matt giving her a reassuring nod as the needed first responders headed for their rigs.
"I'll put your stuff in your locker." Casey told her as she stepped past him towards the ambo, Gabby giving him an appreciative look before jogging to the driver's side door of the rig, Shay hurrying in that direction as well.
Casey stayed rooted in his spot beside truck 81 until the ambo had pulled out of the driveway and disappeared out of sight, the firefighter releasing a heavy breath before facing forward once more, Matt taking a slight step back when he saw Herrmann's eyes on him, Mouch and Otis staring as well while they all stood around him.
"...What is it?"
"How's Dawson really doing?" Herrmann asked quickly, the force of his words telling Casey that the man had been wanting to ask that from the moment they got here.
"Herrmann…"
"Boden told us not to say anything to Dawson, and we're not… But you're not Dawson, and I want to know if she's okay." He defended, Herrmann shaking his head as Matt saw his face harden. "Whatever that piece of shit did to her, I just want to know she's alright." He spoke firmly, Casey releasing a heavy sigh as he adjusted the two shift bags hanging off his shoulder.
"...She's hanging in there." He responded, earning a skeptical look from the older man. "I don't know what all you're wanting me to tell you, Herrmann. She's doing about as well as she can be with having to go through all of this again." Matt explained to the best of his ability, knowing Herrman's insistence was coming from a good place.
"Do you have any idea of what's happening to Walker?" Mouch asked after a beat of silence, Casey shaking his head slightly.
"No, not yet. We've done everything we can. They uh… Walker has his court date here soon. Next week, I think. So the judge can decide whether this thing will be going to trial or not… But until then, we don't know anything. We're just trying to get back to our lives." Casey told the men, earning nods from all three of them. "Which, uh, speaking of… Thank you for not saying anything to her." He spoke, drawing in a deep breath. "I know I asked Boden to talk to you guys, but Gabby just… She doesn't need to be bombarded with questions about this. She might want to talk about it, she might not, but it needs to be her choice… So thank you, for not bringing it up to her."
"Of course, Lieutenant." Herrmann responded quickly, Mouch and Otis nodding in agreement. "We'd never wanna do anything to make things worse for her… We're just worried, is all. But if you say we need to leave it, we'll leave it… We just wanna know she's okay."
"I know, and I appreciate that. We both do." Casey replied, clasping the older man on the shoulder. "And I promise, she's doing okay… It's just gonna take some time." He told them, Herrmann drawing in a deep breath before nodding.
After a few more words spoken between the firefighters, Casey broke off from the group, leaving the garage to head to the locker room, Matt wanting to make sure his and Gabby's things were put away before the day got busy.
Stepping into the room, Matt ran his hand along the back of his neck as he walked the familiar path towards his locker, the man's steps slowing when he got around the corner and saw the one firefighter that had been missing from the garage, the woman looking slightly startled when she saw him come in.
"Hey Jenkins." He greeted, Casey giving her a small smile before continuing towards his locker.
"Lieutenant." She replied, Matt nodding as he placed both his and Gabby's bags down on the bench, Casey turning towards his locker before beginning to put in the combination. "It's good to have you back." Allison added, Matt glancing back to see her watching him.
"It's nice to be back… And I hear congratulations are in order." He spoke, flashing her a warm smile, his words causing her face to light up. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for your first few shifts, but from what Boden's said you've been fitting in nicely. And I know from experience you're one hell of a firefighter… I'm glad to have you. Welcome to Truck 81, Jenkins." He told her, the woman smiling brightly before she nodded.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." She responded, Matt nodding before turning back towards his locker, but the moment was fleeting as he heard release a heavy breath, the sound gaining his attention as he glanced back once more. "...And, uh… I want, or need, to apologize to you." She started, Casey pursing his lips together as realization spread across his face, the firefighter having known this conversation was coming sooner or later.
It hadn't really been on his radar at all since it happened, so when Boden had informed him it would be Jenkins joining Truck 81, he was glad to know there'd be a familiar face coming into the firehouse. But after how things transpired last time, he had known before he even got back to work that it was something they'd need to clear the air about.
"That night at Molly's, that definitely wasn't one of my finer moments…" She continued, Matt responding with a slight nod. "I'm really sorry for coming onto you like that. Parts of that night are a little hazy, if I'm being honest. But I do remember kissing you and I'm sorry for that." Jenkins finished, the man giving her a soft smile.
"It's fine, Jenkins." He replied, seeing her shoulders relax as she released a soft breath. "Really, it is. That night was… a little weird, all around. But you and I are good."
"Good." She repeated, Matt seeing her hesitate before speaking up again. "And, um, I feel like I should apologize to Dawson, too." She told him, clearing her throat. "I had no idea you two were together… I didn't know you were seeing anyone, let alone the person who was standing right across from you, I just… I wasn't thinking. But I feel bad that Dawson had to see that, and that I did it at all." She rambled on, Casey shaking his head slightly. "...But with everything else that's been going on," Allison started as Matt clenched his throat, "I don't know if I should even bring it up to her. I… I'm not gonna pretend to know what happened to Dawson, it's not my place to get into it, but I wasn't sure if I should apologize to her or not, or if bringing that up would just make things worse." Jenkins spoke, Casey waving her off as he shook his head yet again.
"You don't need to worry about it, Jenkins." Matt told her, watching as she raised her eyebrows. "Gabby's fine, she's not upset or angry or anything. And truthfully? I don't even think you need to mention it… we're all good." He assured her, Allison nodding once more.
"Good, okay. I just wanted to make sure… When I found out I was getting a shot here again, I was so excited. And I still am, I just wasn't sure if what happened was going to mess that up."
"Definitely not. As long as you're alright being here, we're good." Casey said again, Allison nodding eagerly. "As far as I'm concerned, 81 is lucky to have a firefighter like you. All's forgotten." He promised, Jenkins drawing in a deep breath.
"Thank you, Lieutenant." She replied, Casey giving her one last nod before turning back to his locker, the man continuing his process of getting ready for shift as Jenkins left the room.
Dawson's eyes were focused out the window as 61 drove through the streets of Chicago, the PIC's mind thousands of miles away while Shay navigated her way back to the firehouse, the blonde sparing glances towards her distant friend every few seconds, doing what she could to get a read on her. But Gabby wasn't making it easy, the paramedic having stayed quiet most of the morning aside from when necessary.
When they'd gotten called away first thing, neither paramedic had said much on the drive to the scene, Shay unsure of how to act around her hurting friend. But the call itself had gone smoothly enough, Dawson stepping back into her PIC role as if nothing had changed, the partners working together just as well as they always had while they got their patient dropped off at the hospital. But as soon as they got back into the rig, that heavy quiet had washed back over them, neither of them having said a word the entire ride back to the firehouse.
After what felt like one of the longest drives they'd ever taken, Shay pulled back into the driveway, the blonde pulling the rig into the garage and coming to a stop, putting the ambulance in park before glancing towards her friend. Despite the sudden stop of the rig, Gabby hadn't moved a muscle, the woman still staring out the window, her eyes looking towards truck 81, but Shay was sure she had no idea where they were right now.
When seconds passed and Gabby had yet to move an inch, Shay released a soft breath before slowly reaching out and placing her hand on Dawson's arm, the action snapping Gabby out of her daze.
"Hey… Sorry, I just didn't know if you realized we were back." Shay told her, Gabby blinking quickly for a moment, taking in her surroundings before turning to look at her partner.
"Oh, uh- I didn't… Thanks." Dawson replied weakly, Shay giving her a soft nod before she noticed Gabby reach for the door handle, the woman clearly about to leave.
"Wait, um-" Shay spoke, saying the first words she could think of to get her friend to stop, Dawson halting her movements as she looked back at the blonde. "...How are you feeling?"
Shay winced slightly the second she registered her own words, knowing she wasn't able to ask the questions she desperately wanted to, so she settled for something close, Gabby pursing her lips together before she breathed in deeply, both women remaining silent for a moment before Dawson responded.
"I'm doing alright." She murmured, Shay nodding with a soft smile. "I feel better now that I know Matt's okay." She added, her eyes darting away from her friend as she looked out the windshield.
"I'm sure… That whole day, it was a lot." Shay responded carefully, knowing they were getting close to the topic she'd been actively told to avoid as Gabby released a heavy sigh.
"Yeah… it was." Gabby replied softly, bringing her hand up to press against her temple, the PIC doing what she could to get rid of the headache she felt forming in her head. "It's been a hard couple weeks." She admitted, Shay's face softening as she gave her another nod, sadness shining prominently in the blonde's eyes. "And, uh.. speaking of, I'm sorry I didn't return your calls." She apologized, Shay immediately shaking her head as Gabby looked back towards her.
"Gabby…" She tried, but the woman continued.
"All of this, I needed some time… But I'm sorry for ignoring you. I wasn't trying to, I just…" Dawson trailed off, the woman shrugging slightly as she was unable to find the right words to voice what was going on in her head, Shay squeezing her arm supportively.
"You don't need to apologize. I just wanted to know you were okay…" She spoke, hoping her words would prompt Dawson to continue to open her. But they ended up having the opposite effect, Shay seeing the exact moment Gabby began to shut down, the woman closing herself off as she reached for the door handle and pushed the door open.
"I appreciate that, but I'm fine." Dawson replied, Shay opening her mouth to respond, but she didn't get the chance before Gabby was out of the ambo, the woman shutting the door and heading towards the firehouse.
Shay kept her eyes on Dawson until the PIC was out of sight, the blonde blowing out a heavy sigh before she climbed down out of the rig and followed the similar path Dawson had just taken. When she walked through the double doors, Shay was a little surprised to see Gabby in the common room, the paramedic talking with Herrmann about their latest call. If she had to guess, Shay would assume the firefighter had struck up the conversation, that he was doing what Casey wanted, and was trying to keep things as normal as possible. And thankfully, Dawson did seem to be receptive to it.
From her position just inside the double doors, Shay could see how engaged Gabby was in the conversation. How, luckily, her demeanor had shifted from what the blonde experienced seconds prior. In this moment, Gabby seemed like herself, or at least closer to herself than what she'd been during her last shift here, and Shay couldn't help but realize that maybe Casey had been right. That maybe the best thing for Dawson was just to move past what happened, and let Matt be the one to help her through those harder times.
But even though he might've been right, that didn't mean she didn't have questions. Questions she desperately wanted answers to as the blonde's eyes darted around the common room, looking for one familiar face in particular. But she quickly found that he was nowhere in sight, Shay sparing one last glance at Gabby before she turned off down the hallway, walking with a purpose to the destination she had in mind.
Pulling open the door to the bunk room, Shay saw the room practically empty, aside from one Lieutenant in particular who was sitting in his office, the man hunched over his desk as he worked on paperwork. Continuing her path forward, Shay walked towards his office and stepped into his open doorway, the paramedic tapping softly on the doorframe.
"Hey."
The combined sound of her voice and her knocking caused him to look up, Casey giving her a soft smile as he sat up straight in his chair, the firefighter turning to face her.
"Hey Shay." He greeted, Shay nodding slightly as her eyes flashed towards his bunk, Matt picking up on her nerves. "When did you guys get back?" He questioned, glancing behind her to see if Gabby was anywhere in sight.
"A few minutes ago… Gabby's out in the common room." She answered his silent question as Matt met her gaze. "She was talking with Herrmann about the call, she seemed fine." Shay elaborated, seeing the way Casey's shoulders relaxed after she spoke, the man clearly worried about Dawson.
"Good, that's good." He mused, raising his eyebrows as she stood there quietly. "...Did you need me for something?" He questioned after a moment, Shay's eyes flashing towards him before she nodded.
"Can, uh… can we talk?"
If he was surprised by her question, he didn't show it, Matt giving her a nod before she stepped further into the room, the woman pulling the door closed behind her before leaning up against the wall. There was a heavy silence around them for a few seconds, Matt relaxing back into his chair as he waited to see if she was going to say anything, the blonde looking towards the ground as she took deep breaths.
He knew exactly what she was here for, exactly what she was wanting to know. But he also knew he couldn't tell her, not as much as she'd probably want. It wasn't his story to tell, and in a situation where Gabby's had so little control, the last thing Matt would do was go against what she wanted.
"Listen, Shay… I-"
"How long?"
Her soft voice cut him off, the paramedic lifting her head up to meet his apprehensive eyes, Matt drawing in a deep breath before shaking his head.
"...Shay-"
"How long had he been abusing her?" She asked bluntly, her voice faltering as the words left her lips.
She hadn't asked him this yet. In the few conversations they'd had over the phone, Shay hadn't directly come out and asked him about the abuse Gabby had suffered because of Walker. They'd mostly stuck to questions about Gabby herself, the woman just wanting to know how her best friend was doing. But clearly, Shay wasn't going to tiptoe around the topic anymore.
"I can't…" Matt murmured, Shay pursing her lips together as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm sorry, but Gabby-"
"Please, Casey." She spoke, Matt's gaze softening as he saw the hurt she was carrying. "My best friend had been being abused, and I didn't know… I didn't see it. She'd been hurting- being hurt for God knows how long, and I was so fucking oblivious to it. I need to know how long this had been happening… How long I failed her."
Matt's eyebrows furrowed as the last words left her lips, the Lieutenant shaking his head forcefully as he pushed himself up from his seat. "This isn't your fault." He said, seeing the tears hiding in the woman's eyes. "What happened to her, what he did- that's not on you, Shay."
"But I didn't see it!" She cried out defeatedly, Matt's gaze mimicking the sadness she was feeling as Shay took a moment to breathe, the woman bringing her hand up to cradle the side of her face. "That asshole hurt her, more than once. More times than I'll probably ever know about… She's my best friend and I couldn't help her… I didn't see what was happening."
"She didn't want you to." He replied softly, Shay's eyes closing for a moment as she took another deep breath. "She didn't want anyone to know, not you, not the house, not her parents… not even her own brother. It wasn't just you who didn't know Shay, no one knew…"
"You did." She replied quietly, Matt quickly finding her gaze as a pensive look flashed in his eyes. "On some level, you knew… because I think I did, too." She breathed out, Casey's sad eyes staying on her. "I asked her about it before, a few months ago, and she shut me down… I even asked Walker, but he just denied it. And ever since then, I think on some level I knew something more had happened there… That it had been more than him just holding onto her a little too tight sometimes. But she said nothing was going on, so I let it go." She breathed out, Matt giving her an understanding nod. "But if I had an idea something was going on… I feel like you would have, too." She spoke pointedly, Matt's tongue poking out between his teeth before running over his bottom lip. "Since the two of them broke up, you've spent more time with Dawson than anyone. And if I was able to see some of the bruises he'd left on her, there's no way you didn't… There was a part of you that knew. Before she told you, you knew."
A heavy sigh escaped Casey's lips as he bit down on the inside of his cheek, the man trying to figure out how to best respond to the paramedic standing in front of him, her expectant eyes focused on him as he thought over his next words carefully.
"That day… When Walker choked her, the day she told me, I… A part of me knew." Matt admitted, Shay nodding softly. "I didn't know the extent of it, but after spending time with her, and seeing how Walker would treat her… I had some ideas about what all had gone on between them." Matt spoke thoughtfully, the firefighter knowing he had to be mindful of how he answered her. "But it wasn't until I asked her that day and she told me that I knew for sure."
"...Do you know what all he did?" She asked almost immediately, Matt's eyes falling closed for a second.
"Shay…"
"I'm not asking you to tell me what happened, I just-" She cut herself, drawing in a deep breath to steady herself before she continued. "I know that a lot of what had been going on, most of it probably happened while they were together, and I had no idea then… but I still feel guilty. Because I should've seen it, Casey." She told him again, Matt opening his mouth to respond but she didn't let him get a word in. "I know you're wanting to try and make me feel better, by saying it's not my fault, that I couldn't have known… But you weren't here when they were together, and you can't say for sure that the signs weren't there… I should've been a better friend to her, I should've done something so she knew she could've come to me. Everyone in this house would've been on her side, we all would've done anything to help her, I just can't wrap my mind around why she didn't say something… To anyone..."
"It's not anything you all did." He finally cut in, the paramedic biting down on her tongue roughly as she waited for him to continue.
Rationally, Shay knew exactly why Gabby hadn't said anything. It was the same thing she'd been telling herself since they found out, the same thing Kelly had told her time and time again, that as someone who had seen so many different domestic abuse victims, she knew why Gabby hadn't come to them. But as her best friend, it was hard to keep emotion out of it. It was nearly impossible to not blame herself after finding out her friend had been getting hurt, and she'd never been able to stop it.
"I may not have been here while it was happening, but, like you said, I was there right after it ended, and believe me when I tell you that this isn't on you… Gabby, she… she didn't want anyone knowing. Ever. If Walker hadn't attacked her in the locker room, we probably never would've found out the extent of it… not unless he eventually did something worse. But I need you to know that this isn't on you, Shay. The only person at fault here is Bryan, that's it… And hopefully, he'll be getting what he deserves." Casey spoke firmly, Shay giving an immediate nod in agreement before wiping away a lone tear that had escaped from her eyes. "I know you're worried about her… believe me, so am I. I just want her to be okay, and I know you do, too. But she will be… And when she's ready, she'll come to you. I truly believe that… But she just needs time, Shay." He said, Matt drawing in a slow breath as Shay thought over his words, the woman pausing for a moment before giving him a firm nod, Casey giving her as supportive of a smile as he could muster. "And, uh, to answer your question, I do know… What Walker did to her, I know." Casey told her, seeing a look he couldn't read flash in her eyes. "I know, and so does Antonio… She's not dealing with this on her own." Matt assured her, the firefighter seeing the relief that filled her eyes as she nodded.
"Okay." She responded, Matt giving her a slight nod. "That's what I needed to know, that she wasn't holding onto all this by herself…"
"She's not. I've got her, Shay." He promised her, the blonde nodding before Casey brought her in for a hug, the firefighter rubbing her back comfortingly for a few moments before she pulled back. "She's gonna be okay."
Without saying another word, Shay gave the man a nod as she thought over everything he'd just told her, his words helping to alleviate some of the heaviness that had settled in her gut over the last two weeks, though the feeling hadn't gone away completely. And she knew it probably wouldn't for a while.
But she didn't care about that right now. She wasn't the priority here. Regardless of how she was feeling, all she wanted was for her best friend to be alright. That's what mattered to her, more than anything else, was knowing that Gabby was okay, and that this thing with Walker hadn't completely torn her apart.
Gabby released a heavy breath as the hot water covered her tired body, the woman needing a second to decompress after her long, stressful day. A day that started out well, but inevitably turned sour as her and Bryan had continued to fight.
Their issues started on shift yesterday, Gabby not really appreciating how he'd been openly flirting with a woman out on a call, her boyfriend not only disregarding his duties as a firefighter, but ignoring her presence completely as he shamelessly flirted with this woman. She couldn't have been much younger than Gabby, Bryan not bothering to hide his interest while she stood only feet away, her having to watch as the woman practically groped him, Bryan not appearing to have any objections to her actions. And no one else from 51 seemed to notice what was happening, either.
It wasn't until Lieutenant Stephens had yelled at him to get back to work, pulling him from his moment with this woman, that Bryan remembered where he was, his eyes immediately finding Gabby's over by the ambo, no doubt seeing the anger she felt towards him. But they'd managed to keep it to themselves, at least until she'd gotten back to the house.
But when she'd pulled him aside at dinner to ask him about it, it had turned into an all out screaming match in the hallway, Shay and Severide coming to separate the two as they hurled insults at one another, Bryan having practically backed her into the corner by the time they'd gotten there. Luckily, 61 had been called out seconds later, giving them both some time away from one another to cool off, which had definitely helped. And while they were able to keep things civil throughout the remainder of shift, by the time they had gotten back to his apartment, things were back to being tense yet again.
Bryan was angry with her, more angry with her than she'd been at him, the two going back and forth from the moment they walked in the door. He was mad at her for causing a scene at the firehouse, for her making a big deal out of nothing, his rage soon manifesting into him throwing the remote at her head. Luckily she was able to duck in time, the object banging against the wall behind her before falling to the ground, but the intent was there nonetheless, Bryan storming out of the apartment seconds later to get some space.
That outburst had taken place well over an hour ago, and he'd been gone ever since, Gabby taking to cleaning up around the apartment before deciding to take a shower, hoping that by the time he came home, he will have calmed down and they could just move on. Because as upset as she'd been at his behavior on shift, it wasn't worth the fighting. Especially not if him throwing that remote was any indication of how the rest of this argument would go. It had been awhile since he'd gotten so mad at her he resorted to getting a little too rough with her, and she didn't want to give him a reason to resort back to that today. Not over something as stupid as this.
As she reached for her shampoo, she heard heavy footsteps enter the bathroom, Gabby looking up to see a figure through the shower curtain. "Bryan?" She asked, stepping towards the back of the shower and gripping the curtain.
"Yeah, it's me." He replied, the woman releasing a heavy breath before pulling it back enough to stick her head out, finding her boyfriend's dark eyes already on her as he was barely a yard away.
"...How was your walk?" She asked, the man narrowing his eyes at her.
"I didn't go for a walk." He spat, Gabby drawing in a deep breath before nodding, forcing a weak smile onto her face.
"Sorry, I just meant…"
"I know what you meant. And I'm fine." His voice was rough, Dawson sensing his anger hadn't gone away nearly as much as she'd hoped. "But I'm tired of dealing with this shit, can we just move past it?" He asked, earning an immediate nod from her.
"Yeah, I'd love that." She replied, widening her smile slightly, Bryan giving her a nod before reaching sliding off his jacket.
"Good… I think a nice little shower together is warranted after all this shit." He told her, Gabby wincing slightly as he moved to take off his shirt next.
"Wait, I uh-" She stopped herself, Bryan's narrow gaze moving back towards her face, the look in his eye causing her grip on the shower curtain to involuntarily tighten. "I just…"
"What?" He asked harshly, taking another step forward. "It's the least you could do, after how you treated me yesterday." He told her, the uncomfortable feeling in the air growing.
"I'm sorry for doing that at the house, in front of everyone… I shouldn't have made it a big deal," She started, his eyes only narrowing more. "But I'm really not up for anything right now." She told him, her words earning an immediate scoff from him as he shook his head. "I'm sorry… But we can talk more when I'm done?"
Rolling his eyes, another scoff left his lips, the man's angry eyes focused on her. "Yeah, I'm sick of talking…"
"Bryan, I don't want to fight with you anymore-"
"And you think I do?" He shouted, Gabby taking a slight step back in the wet tub as his loud voice filled the air. "Believe me, the last thing I wanna do is fight with you over stupid bullshit! But you make everything so fucking difficult all the time, I can't do anything without you watching over my shoulder!"
"Bryan-"
"I mean, Jesus, what did you think? You think I was just gonna pin that woman up against the car she'd just crashed and fuck her? Is that what you think of me?" He was getting angrier and angrier with each word that left his lips, Gabby shaking her head as he stepped closer.
"I-"
"I'm tired of this same old insecure bullshit from you! I mean, I'm dating you aren't I? You're here in my house, using my shower- which you don't even want me in, by the way. Now you're telling me I can't even have a few minutes of some harmless attention without you getting all upset about it? I didn't do shit to you, you're acting like I made you watch me fuck that bitch and I didn't even do anything! She came onto me!"
"And you didn't really discourage it, did you?"
The words left her lips before she even registered what she said, Bryan's face nearly turning red as anger took over, her entire body tensing as she realized her mistake.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" He yelled, stepping the rest of the way towards her shower, practically ripping the curtain open. "Did you even listen to a word I just said?!"
"Bryan-"
His hands were on her before she could get another word out, his anger taking over as he forcefully pushed her forward, the man blinded by rage at her words. The second he pushed her, she went falling to the ground, the lack of traction in the wet tub doing nothing to keep her balanced as she fell forward, the sound of her eye connecting painfully against the faucet overpowering the noise from the running water, Gabby emitting a sharp scream in agony before she'd even made it all the way to the ground.
It was like she couldn't feel anything else, the excruciating pain in her head taking over as she writhed around underneath the falling water, her eye hurting her more and more by the second as she brought her hand up to cover her head.
"Oh, Gabby- Baby, I'm so sorry." Bryan spewed out, the man pushing the curtain the rest of the way back so he could get to her, his own body getting wet as he hunched over the tub. "I'm so sorry, baby, I'm sorry." He apologized as quickly as he could get the words out, Bryan reaching out to place a comforting hand on her wet arm. But the second she felt him, her cries got louder, Gabby pushing him away before she slowly pushed herself up. "I'm sorry, baby, please I didn't mean to-" He tried again, Gabby able to get into a sitting position as her head continued pounding. "God, are you alright? I didn't push you that hard, baby I'm so, so sorry."
The pain in her head only continued to worsen, the feeling nearly blinding as she couldn't even open her eyes. There was an intense pressure around her eye, like she was still feeling the force of the impact even moments later, Gabby feeling like she might pass out at any second from how much pain she was in.
"I'm gonna go and get you some ice, I'm so sorry, Gabs- God, baby, I'm sorry." He repeated over and over again, his words sounding far away as she hunched down in the corner, Gabby barely able to hear the sound of his voice as she pulled her knees up towards her chest, doing whatever she could to distract herself from the pain.
"Gabby!"
Dawson shot up in her bunk at the sound of her name being called, the woman instinctively bringing her hand up towards her eye before she realized what was going. Drawing in a deep breath, Gabby soon recognized Shay standing beside her, the PIC's eyes bouncing around the otherwise empty bunk room before landing back on her partner, seeing the concern and worry her friend was holding onto. Blinking quickly, Gabby slowly let herself relax, finally noticing the hand Shay had placed on her shoulder, Dawson continuing to take deep breaths as she became more and more aware.
Not wanting to overcrowd her, Shay slowly took a step back, the worry never leaving her eyes as Dawson swung her legs down off the bunk, letting her feet rest firmly on the ground as she gathered her bearings.
"I, uh…. What happened?" Gabby asked quietly after nearly a minute of silence, Shay placing herself down on the bunk opposite from her.
"...You were crying, I think- whimpering, kind of… Like you were in pain. I wasn't sure what was going on, so I figured I should wake up." She murmured, Dawson giving her a nod in understanding before focusing her attention back down towards the floor, Gabby letting her eyes fall closed as she continued to take deep breaths, doing what she could to come to grips with what had just happened.
This is exactly what she'd been nervous about. When they decided she'd come back to shift, this one something she'd feared; that her nightmares about Walker, whether from things he'd done to her in the past, or different dreams manifested from her own fears, they wouldn't stop when she got back on shift. While they hadn't been happening every night, they happened enough, especially in the days since she'd spoken to her brother about Bryan. And during those nights, Matt would always wake her up and help her fall back asleep, his presence calming her like nothing else and helping her rest. But he wasn't here right now, and they weren't in the privacy of his apartment. And despite how much she'd hoped and prayed her nightmares wouldn't follow her here, they clearly had, this one thing tarnishing what had been an otherwise good first day back.
Coming back to 51 after everything had gone better than she ever could've imagined. Aside from the awkwardness this morning, it was like nothing had changed. No one asked her about Walker, no one mentioned anything about him at all… Everyone had just been treating her like Gabby, all of them joking around and including her in their conversations. And even though things with Shay had been a little harder to navigate, both women a little unsure of one another right now, overall everything had gone great.
Everything except sleeping. And now, she really wasn't sure how the rest of her night would go. All she knew was that she was exhausted, but she was hesitant to fall back asleep out here.
"What time is it?" Dawson spoke up again, lifting her head to meet Shay's gaze.
"A little after midnight." She replied, Gabby giving her another nod. "I'm sure the rest of the house will be back soon, they've been gone for awhile now." She added, Dawson swallowing thickly as her eyes felt closed once more.
Though she felt an almost overwhelming sense of embarrassment at someone other than Matt seeing her like this, she couldn't help but feel thankful that it had just been Shay. That it was her best friend who had been there, instead of the entire house seeing her so obviously affected by what one of their own had done.
"...Are you okay?" Shay said suddenly, Gabby meeting her eyes before giving her a slight nod.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." She was quick to assure her, the blonde looking less than convinced. "I just-" She cut herself off, unsure of what to say, Shay soon stepping in.
"Has that been happening a lot?" She questioned carefully, Gabby pursing her lips together as her eyes locked with her friend's. She knew Shay just wanted to help, that she was trying to give her space, but she was worried. And Gabby couldn't blame her, because had the roles been reversed, she knew she'd be acting the same way. "...The nightmares."
"They, uh… Yeah, some." She answered honestly, Gabby feeling oddly secure in the open room, knowing with just her and her partner here, she was slowly feeling comfortable to speak a little more freely. "But I'm alright… Things are getting better." She added, mustering up as assuring a smile as she could, but the look of concern never left the blonde's face. "Shay-"
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."
Her words cut through the room, Gabby forcing herself to keep her eyes locked on her friend as they approached the topic she'd been so desperate to avoid.
"I know you don't want to talk about it, and I understand that. I do… And I'm not trying to sit here and make you talk to me, but I just need you to know how sorry I am." The regret and pain in her voice nearly broke Gabby's heart, Dawson shaking her head slightly as she saw a few tears sitting in her partner's eyes. "I'm sorry all this was going on, and we had no idea… That I had no idea… I'm sorry for not helping you."
"It's not your fault, Shay." Gabby replied quickly, Shay's face hardened as she roughly shook her head.
"I know it's not… It's his." She answered, Gabby's back involuntarily tightening. "But still… You're my best friend and you were hurting. Whatever he did… You didn't deserve any of it, and I'm sorry it ever happened… I'm sorry he hurt you." Her voice was unsteady, Gabby wiping away a few of the tears settling under her eyes before nodding, Shay pushing herself up from her bunk and walking towards her. "I'm so, so sorry, Gabby." She murmured before wrapping her up in the hug, the position a little awkward but Shay held on tight regardless, Gabby immediately relaxing into her friend's embrace, tucking her head against her shoulder as she held onto her.
The moment was quiet, Shay continuously rubbing up and down her friend's back while Gabby hugged her tightly, the strength of her hold telling Shay more than words ever could as she did everything in her power to comfort her friend.
"I love you, Dawson." She whispered, feeling Gabby release a shaky breath before nodding against her shoulder.
"Love you too, Shay." She replied, her voice noticeable unsteady as Shay gave her one last tight squeeze before pulling away, both women wiping the tears from their eyes. "And thank you..." Gabby spoke, Shay rubbing over her shoulder comfortingly before giving her a nod, the women hearing the faint, familiar sounds of rigs backing up out in the garage.
"I guess the guys are back…" Shay mused, Dawson nodding before slowly standing up herself, Shay stepping back to give her some space. "Do you want me to go get Casey?" She questioned, Gabby's eyebrows knitting together slightly as she glanced back towards his office.
"Oh, no, it's okay… Just if you see him, can you tell him I'll be in his office?" She requested, Shay nodding immediately.
"Of course." She replied, Dawson giving her a thankful nod before the two went their separate ways, Gabby taking the short walk towards the confines of Matt's office, shutting the door behind her as she stepped inside.
Her tired body moved slowly towards his bunk, Gabby nearly collapsing down onto it and making herself comfortable, her body facing the windows out into the bunk room, hoping she'd be seeing her boyfriend sooner rather than later as she laid in his quiet office.
She wasn't sure how much time had passed while she laid here, Gabby hearing the sounds of firefighters moving around just on the other side of the wall as they got ready for bed, the paramedic fighting to keep her eyes open. But soon enough, she heard the sound of his office door opening, Gabby looking over to see Matt standing in the doorway, the soft light flooding in from the bunk room allowing her to see the knowing look on his face. Though she couldn't be sure, she had a pretty good idea that Shay had clued him in as to what had happened, Casey giving her a warm, comforting smile before stepping inside, closing the door behind him.
Without a word, he walked around his bunk beside the wall, Matt climbing down into bed behind her before making himself comfortable, his arm immediately circling around her waist to pull her closer. The second she felt his body heat against her back, she felt better, Gabby feeling like she was finally able to relax now that he was here, the couple laying together for a few quiet moments before she finally spoke up.
"...I had a nightmare." She whispered into the air, feeling Matt tighten his grip around her stomach.
"I know." He murmured back, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder. "...Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Later." She was quick to respond, both of them knowing there was nothing else for them to discuss tonight as he gave her a nod, Matt kissing her shoulder once more before relaxing back into the pillow, Gabby focusing on the feeling of his secure arms wrapped around her and the rise and fall of his chest against her back, his presence slowly lulling her to sleep.
"You want any more?"
Gabby looked over from Herrmann, finding her boyfriend's eyes on her before she looked down to her empty plate, the woman thinking over his question for a moment before she shook her head, flashing him a soft smile.
"No, I'm okay… Thank you, though." She replied, Matt giving her a nod before she went back to her conversation with the older firefighter.
It was Gabby and Matt's third shift back at 51, the two having quickly fallen back into their usual rhythm here at the firehouse with everyone. Thankfully, any residual awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings from their coworkers were completely gone by their second shift, and everything was pretty much business as usual around here.
Everyone still had questions, they all still wanted to know what exactly had been happening to their PIC, but they had stopped waiting for any answers. They came to terms with the fact that they had questions they'd probably never get any answers to, and they'd all moved on the best they could, understanding that unless Gabby one day decided to come to them, there was nothing they could do, everyone at 51 doing focusing on keeping things as normal as possible.
And that alone had seemed to do wonders for Gabby. With each day and each shift that passed, Gabby was doing better and better. She was slowly becoming more like her old self again, her nervousness and anxiousness beginning to fade as she got back into the swing of things with her firehouse family, Bryan's absence from the house helping her feel even more at ease.
But despite the improvements Gabby was making each day, there was still a dark cloud hanging over her, one that kept weighing both her and Casey down, today especially.
And that dark cloud was Walker.
Today was the day of Bryan's court date. The day where they'd be finding out what was happening with the case against him, and the fact that it was already nearing six in the evening, and neither her nor Matt had heard anything from her brother yet had left them both feeling a little anxious, their nervous energies being felt throughout the house.
"You sure you don't want anymore?" He asked her again, Gabby raising her eyebrows as she looked back to her boyfriend, finding a soft smile waiting for her. "Cause I'm gonna get some… Or do you need more to drink?"
"I'm fine, Matt." She replied, the man hesitating for a moment before nodding, Casey slowly pushing his chair back and standing up. But before he walked away from the table, he caught sight of a visitor in the firehouse, the man stopping just inside the common room as his gaze immediately went to his sister.
"Antonio." Casey spoke up first, his voice quickly gaining Gabby's attention as her head shot towards the entrance, seeing her brother standing there with his hands shoved in his pockets. Without a word, Gabby stood up, Antonio taking some steps further inside, flashing a small smile to all the other firefighters.
"Hey guys." He greeted, looking around before his eyes landed back on Gabby. "Hey sis… Matt."
"Hi." She replied quietly, a thick feeling settling in the air as everyone was well aware as to why the detective was here.
"...Can we go somewhere and talk?" He asked, Casey immediately nodding as he reached out to place his hand on Gabby's back.
"Yeah. Conference room's fine." Matt responded, Antonio nodding in agreement before heading in that direction, giving a few more greetings to the group of firefighters before he disappeared through the door, Matt and Gabby following quietly after him.
When they stepped inside, Antonio was making his way to the front of the room, Gabby following his path while Matt made sure the door closed securely behind them, the firefighter knowing how close the prying ears of the firehouse were.
Gabby stopped her movements when she got in front of the first row of tables, the woman resting her body down against the piece of furniture as Matt came to stand directly beside her, ready to offer her any support she needed while Antonio slowly paced back and forth in front of them.
"Tonio…" She spoke up after a few seconds, her soft voice gaining her brother's attention as he stopped walking, the older Dawson looking towards her, his face unreadable. "Just tell me."
You could hear a pin drop in the room, it was so quiet, Antonio drawing in a slow breath as he crossed his arms over his chest, his gaze bouncing back and forth between his sister and Casey before he opened his mouth.
"He took the plea deal."