A ride, evidence, and all the things she said

His hands, that had held her firmly against his body, were starting to move, up and down her back, into her hair, to her neck. And as much as Pam would have loved to get lost in the feelings those hands were awakening, she needed to stop.

She had to.

"Jim," she whispered against his lips, and he drew back a little. He was smiling, slightly out of breath, and from where she was she could see every shade of his green eyes at the light coming from the kitchen. "I think we need to stop."

He frowned a little, and his body moved from hers. "Yeah," he said hoarsely.

"It's not…" Pam tried to hold his hand but he was standing up and she missed. Realising her gesture, he held his palm open and she raised as well. Clutching his hand, so that he would not try to go away, she pulled. "It's not that I regret this," Pam said, firmly. "On the contrary."

"Oh," Jim said, and Pam recognised his expression. Confusion, and then realisation. "Roy."

Pam shook her head. "It's not just that. No, it's not that, really."

"Then? Aren't you engaged…?" he trailed off.

Pam took a deep breath. Maybe she should just say it all, right now, but the words refused to come in the right order.

"Roy and I are not together," she said. It was the truth, but she was not fooling herself. This was just the tip of the iceberg.

"Oh," Jim said again, this time her lips twitching in a new smile that was making his eyes shine. "Then…?"

"Could you… take me to my place? Please?" It was a sudden idea, but maybe it could work. It would be easier to explain, if she had the contract to show him. A tangible proof that some of her actions had not depended on her, and that she had never wanted to hurt him.

"Yeah, sure."

As Jim went upstairs to get her keys, Pam went straight to the spot under the cushions to retrieve her jacket.

It was impossible to say which emotion was strongest. The elation of the kiss and of the memory of Jim's hands caressing her, or the dread of having to face the truth after all this time, and after what just happened. There was no way of saying, and whatever the reason, her heart was beating madly.

"You found it?" Jim said at her back, making her jump.

"I did," she felt silly, as if he'd known all along she had hidden it. But he just smiled and opened the front door for her to exit in front of him.

Right as she passed, he took her hand and made her stop. Slowly, he bent down a little and gave her a chaste kiss. "Is this ok?" he asked, his lips so close to hers she knew she could kiss him back with no effort.

Pam nodded. "More than ok."

He beamed, and without letting go of her hand, he walked her to his car. Inside, Pam gave him directions, and for a moment he drove in silence.

"How come you're not with Roy anymore?" he finally asked.

For a second Pam considered telling him she'd never been with Roy, but she didn't dare, not while he was driving instead of looking at her, and, again, she settled on a half-truth. "We're not meant to be together. We're just too different."

"I see…"

She looked at him, his profile, his gaze focused on the highway. "What happened with Katy?"

"I… I don't know. It just didn't. There was something… something that didn't really felt right about her and… well. My mind was somewhere else."

At this, Pam felt heat creeping up her cheeks. Was he really saying…

"Really?"

"Wasn't it obvious?"

Pam chuckled. "Maybe… Sometimes."

Jim laughed, and turned on the radio. With the same movement, he took Pam's hand and didn't let it go.

It felt nice, warm, reassuring, and for the rest of the drive Pam allowed herself to think that it was going to be alright. That he would understand and the only thing left to figure out would be how to keep it all hidden from the network. What "it all" was precisely, she could not tell, but was more than eager to find out.

They reached the building, and without a word, Pam walked in front of him towards the elevator and down the corridor to her door, hoping that Roy wouldn't choose that precise moment to enter or exit his apartment.

He didn't and it was with an audible sigh of relief that Pam closed the door of her place behind her back. Jim was looking curiously around, at the partition between the living room and the kitchen, at the pictures on the shelves and the books on the table. Finally he turned around to face her and smiled. Pam felt it as a sign of encouragement, and took the step that separated them, to kiss him again.

It would have been so easy to just let it all go and forget reality, just as she had while they were kissing on his deck, but they'd come this far and she needed to come clean.

"Would you… wait for me a second?"

He nodded.

"Make yourself at home."

Quickly, she entered the bathroom for a much needed break, and to try and fix the pony tail that had become a messy affair. With a last glance at her image, she went to her room and grabbed the thick file containing her contract, and all those harsh truths she needed to tell Jim about.

"Sorry it took-"

"What's this?"

Jim was standing right next to her coffee table, holding something that made Pam's heart stop.

A notebook. The notebook.

"What's this?" he repeated, and there was nothing warm or friendly in his voice anymore. It was steel cold and harsh.

"That's… part of what I need to tell you."

"Pam, these are notes on everybody. On me. On Dwight. On Michael… and… 'prompts'? 'Highlights'? What kind of sick diary is this?"

Pam took a deep breath and, with two long strides, she stood right in front of Jim and took the notebook from his hands.

"First of all, this is private," she said, unable to stop feeling a bit of indignation. "And… well… this is difficult to explain and I need you to let me… explain."

"Explain what, Pam?"

"Everything," she said. "Take a seat."

"I don't-"

"Take a seat, please."

Jim did so, but it was plain that he was doing it against his better judgement.

"I work for the network," Pam blurted out, pacing the small living room.

He frowned a little. "You- what? How?"

"I am not just a receptionist. I'm… I'm an actress. I was hired by the network to be… placed amongst you. The idea was that I should try to make you all react, or say stuff… or something. The whole thing with Roy- well, he… he's an actor too. We were supposed to be a love story or something… to keep the audience interested in the documentary," she stopped walking and looked at Jim.

He kept his eyes on her, as if he had never seen her before.

"So you were there to spy on us," he summarized.

"Not spy, no-"

"That notebook looks a lot like spying."

"Those notes were just for myself," she was pulling at her fingers, unable to say still. This was going so wrong, so terribly wrong. "I never shared any of it with the network… even though they expected me to, to some extent. What I wrote was meant to help me remember things and build my character. "

"Your character," he repeated.

"Yeah…"

"So…" Jim stood up, "so, who are you? Who have I been speaking to all these months?"

"I'm… I'm me." She said simply. "I'm Pam."

"You're not! I don't even know if that's your real name!"

"It is-"

"... or your real personality! Or even your opinions, or jokes, or stories… you've been playing with me all this time!"

"I haven't Jim, I swear. It was because of you that I couldn't play a part! Because whenever I was with you, I found myself unable to act. It was the real me, only dressed up with a pencil skirt I hate."

He buried his hands on his hair and sat again, heavily.

"You couldn't tell me? Before?"

"No, I couldn't'," she said, taking deep breaths to try to calm her voice. "And, as a matter of fact, I can't tell you even now." She handed him the heavy file she had thrown on the table. "This is my contract. Read it. Especially the part where it says I am not to befriend you, and I am not to reveal to you my part in all this."

Jim took it with the tip of his fingers, but didn't open it.

"A year ago I was a struggling actress," she said, sitting on the chair in front of him with a sigh. "I worked double shifts at a Starbucks in Brooklyn. I rented a room that was just about as big as that couch. And almost all my money used to go to rent and to my agent."

"Am I supposed to pity you?"

"No.." she shook her head. "That's not- I don't want you to pity me. I want you to know how I came to do this."

He didn't say a thing, so she spoke again.

"My agent called me one day, for an audition. At that point I was so tired I was ready to go back to my hometown and forget about being an actress. But I got the part." She couldn't help but remember how proud she had felt back then. "A regular in a series. And then I read the contract and, I swear, I didn't like it. It felt… unethical."

Jim gave a dry chuckle, his eyes now glued to his shoes.

"But it was not supposed to air. It was supposed to be this one season. And in the meantime I would get some acting experience, and a salary that was not a joke." She took a deep breath. "It never felt right, though."

"But you kept on doing it."

"I did. Acting was supposed to be my passion. My life. Now I'm not that sure anymore…" she finished in a whisper.

"Were you planning on telling me?" he looked up at her, and it was a shock to see so much anger.

"That's why we're here. I was going to tell you all this. Now. Only, you saw the notebook first."

"Why are you telling me now?"

At this it was Pam's turn to chuckle humorlessly. "I have wanted to tell you for so long… since the day Roy almost punched you."

Sudden realisation passed Jim's face. "Was he really going to punch me?"

"Of course not."

"It felt real."

"I know. That's when I almost quit. I drove all the way up to New York to tell my agent that I was through. That was it. She told me my acting career would be over if I failed my contract and convinced me not to quit. But then I also realised… this is going to sound stupid-"

"Try me," he said dryly.

"If I'd left, they were going to put somebody else. They were trying to get you and me together, and Roy jealous, and all that. Cheap TV. So I thought, if it wasn't me, somebody else would do it. I went back because I wanted to protect you from that."

He sighed. "Meaning that I should be thankful now?"

"No… that's not what I mean! I mean-" she stood up again and resumed the pacing. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt anybody, but especially not you! And the reason I'm telling you now… the reason I think about quitting almost every day, the reason I pretended to leave my jacket at your place tonight so that we could talk, is that I've fallen in love with you! And I just can't do this anymore." Her voice broke, and she felt her knees weak.

For a long moment nobody said anything.

Finally, she felt Jim stand up, and a metallic sound told her he had clutched his keys.

"You'll forgive me, but I find it really difficult to believe anything you say right now."

And he was gone, and Pam was too drained to even try to follow him.