Five Simple Steps for Taking Over the Galaxy. AU - This story probably proves DarthKoalaBear is crazy, if you weren't convinced before...
One day after the Destruction of the Second Death Star.
The prisoner worked feverishly at the lock, desperate to free himself and his long-time companion. It wasn't that his fellow prisoner was his friend by choice, mind you, it was that when you spent your days and nights trapped inside a small prison – courtesy of the Emperor's indentured Scientists – you either became friends with your cell-mate or you killed him. It wasn't that particular option was off the table, either. It was simply a lack of weapons that disallowed causing harm to the other prisoner.
The rusty dura-steel door sprung open, freeing the two occupants. "Finally," the shorter one muttered. "I was starting to think we were going to die of thirst."
The taller one peered out of the prison, looking around nervously. "It's still daylight out. What if someone comes back?"
"No one has been in this room the entire day. It is quite apparent this facility has been abandoned in the aftermath of those riots outside, and we have been forgotten."
"Well, that was plain rude of them, I'd think."
"Thinking is not your strong suit," the short one grumbled, pushing past his friend and relishing his new freedom. "First we find something to eat and drink."
The taller one grinned, pleased at that idea. "Sounds good to me! Then what?"
"Then we do what we do every night. We plan to take over the galaxy!"
After the small rodents had finished eating a piece of over-ripe fruit, Brain walked over to the laboratory's window, and pointed down at the busy walkway. "The Emperor has fallen, Pinky."
Smacking his lips, the thin lab rat hopped over to gaze outside at the broken statue of Emperor Palpatine, which lay in ruins on the street below. "That had to hurt a bit, don't you think? He made a really loud crash-boom-bang when he fell over, too. I heard it all the way up here. Course, I've got really big ears, so that probably helped a bit."
Brain sighed. "Actually, I was referring to the flesh and blood Emperor. Emperor Palpatine."
"That would hurt even more, wouldn't it?"
"It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob."
"Does the Empire tax boobs?" Pinky pondered, tapping his chin.
"If it did, you'd be in debt for the next two thousand years," Brain returned evenly. "Stop talking, Pinky, before I hurt you. I have this unexplainable desire to describe my plan to you."
"Okay," Pinky said agreeably.
"Now that the human Emperor has been defeated, there is a void in the galaxy."
"Are those things dangerous? They don't bite, do they?"
"Does what bite?"
"Voids. I've heard they have really big teeth."
Brain clenched his jaw, and tightened his fingers in an attempt to stop himself from pummeling Pinky. "With this void in place, I have the single greatest opportunity to do what I've always tried to do in the past, and failed. By right of superior intelligence, I am best suited to guide the destiny of this galaxy."
"Poink! That sounds like a plan to me," Pinky said, nodding.
"You haven't even heard my plan yet," Brain pointed out.
"Well, it hasn't been because I haven't been listening!"
Brain walked over to the holo-set and turned on the device, tuning it until he found what he was looking for – a news channel showing the Rebellion celebrating their victory on the lush green world of Endor. "That's it, Pinky! Step one! We find transportation and head immediately to Endor."
"Isn't it a bit too late to join the Rebels?" Pinky asked. "I mean, technically, since they won, they aren't considered rebels anymore, are they?"
"That is not my plan."
"Alrighty, then. Good thing." Pinky started to trace a wavy pattern in the accumulating dust on the window ledge.
"Do you want to hear my plan, or not?"
"Sure, Brain. Go right ahead whenever you're ready."
"Ewoks," Brain said smugly. "I plan to use Ewoks."
"What's an Ewok?"
"Those furry creatures that live on Endor. It has become increasingly apparent to me that they are truly the One Unstoppable Force in this galaxy. Why, look at those news reports! All those stormtroopers, and all those advanced All Terrain vehicles could not stop their combined power. The Rebellion only succeeded because of Ewoks."
"Cool, Brain."
The brilliant rodent continued his speech, "I plan on tuning my Jack-o-lantronic transmitter to the exact brainwaves of Ewoks. Once they have fallen under my spell, I will command them to spread themselves throughout the galaxy, and under my direction, they will defeat all the Moffs and various warlords, as well as those pesky Rebels. Then I shall declare myself the New Emperor, and erect a statue of myself in the exact spot where Palpatine's statue took a nose-dive!"
"That sounds like a swell plan, Brain," Pinky said enthusiastically.
"Of course it is."
Endor
The two lab rats, tugging an orange-colored orb in their wake, stepped out of the supply ship, and looked around the forest. "We have arrived on Endor, Pinky. Now, we move on to Step Two."
"It sort of reminds me of Northern California," Pinky responded, sniffing the air as he peeled back the flimsy from a piece of candy.
"Where is that?"
"Near a place called Lucasville."
"I've never heard of it," Brain replied, annoyed.
"Serious?" Pinky asked, surprised. "It's right by Wally World, the happiest spot in the Galaxy. I know this because Uncle Wally himself says so."
"Well, as long as Uncle Wally makes that claim, it must be correct," Brain said sarcastically. "Now help me set up this Jack-o-lantronic transmitter. The frequency must be set to my exact specifications, or it will not work."
"Okay, Brain. I understand."
"That seems highly unlikely," Brain said, holding the cord to his Jack-o-lantronic transmitter and looking around for a place to plug it in. Nodding, he found an outlet located on the leg of the landing ramp and inserted the prongs. Turning around, he let out a squeak of dismay. "Pinky, you got chocolate on my Jack-o-lantronic transmitter!"
Pinky quickly shoved the offending candy bar into his mouth. "It'h wath an acthedenth."
"The only accident is you, Pinky," Brain grumbled, pushing his partner aside. "Now shut up and let me work."
"Okay."
For the next hour, Brain toiled away at his Jack-o-lantronic transmitter, and finally sat back, clapping his hands in glee. "There! It should work perfectly!" When there was no response, Brain turned around to face his companion.
Pinky was nowhere in sight.
Pinky wandered through the forest, stopping occasionally to pluck a flower from the ground and add the flora to his head wreath. Then he noticed the hairy creature sitting a few yards away, carefully cleaning what appeared to be some type of weapon. So that's an Ewok, Pinky thought, pleased with his deductive reasoning. He decided to go introduce himself, since they would soon be considered co-workers.
"Hello, Mr. Ewok," Pinky said, tapping the hairy creature on the thigh. "My name is Pinky. What's yours?"
The huge creature leapt up and dropped the weapon, his blue eyes wide with shock.
"Oh, dear," Pinky said, craning his neck to gaze up, up, up at the huge creature. "I didn't mean to scare you!"
"Arrugh warruu orruccapash!"
"Orruccapash? Oh, I think I understand. You must mean octopus!" Pinky looked carefully to his left, then turned to look toward his right. Then he turned his face back toward the hairy creature. "Where are we going to get a trained octopus at this time of night?"
The large being shook his head in confusion, and gave another roar.
"I am sorry. I just don't understand what you're trying to tell me," Pinky said in despair. Then he held out an unwrapped candy bar. "Would you like some chocolate? It's not as good as octopus, but you might enjoy it anyway."
A huge paw reached down and gently picked up the white rodent in the palm of his paw, bringing Pinky up to the level of the blue eyes. A leathery brown nose gave the candy bar a sniff, before the fanged mouth opened wide.
"OH, DEAR! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!"
The mouth shut, and the creature gave another low growl before stabbing his finger at the candy.
"Ahhh! I see. You do want the candy bar," Pinky said, relief washing over him. He unwrapped his last remaining bar, and wistfully stuck the piece into the gaping jaw. "I hope it was as good for you as it was for me," Pinky sniffed, wiping a tear from his eye.
A voice called out from the trees. "Chewie? Chewie? Where are you?"
"ARROOOGH!"
With a rustle, branches parted and a young human with blond hair stepped into the clearing. "There you are. Han was starting to get …." The human trailed off, his eyes suddenly focused on the white rat. "You weren't planning on eating that, were you? It could be carrying a disease."
"Ewoks carry a disease?" Pinky asked in alarm, whipping his head around. "It's not contagious, is it?!"
"Hey! You speak Basic?" the human asked in surprise.
"I don't know. Do you?"
The human frowned. "Of course. That's how we can understand each other."
"That's good to know," Pinky replied. "Sometimes I think no one ever understands me. It's sad, really. But my psychiatrist has been very helpful in getting me to overcome my insecurities."
"Uh, okay. My name is Luke Skywalker. I see you've already met Chewbacca."
"Chew…ba…cca…" Pinky said, turning the name over on his tongue. "Brain never told me Ewoks were so big."
"Chewie, err, that's Chewbacca for short, isn't a Ewok. He's a Wookiee. From Kashyyyk."
"Woo…kiee…from Kash…yyykkkkk…." Pinky repeated, then started to giggle. "Brain is going to be so mad. He thinks were on Endor." The giggle turned into an all out, side-slapping snorts, and spittle sprayed from Pinky's lips, causing Chewie to wrinkle his nose in disgust.
"This is Endor," Luke said patiently. "Who is Brain?"
"Oh, he's just about the best friend a lab rat could ask for," Pinky replied. "He's going to be the next Emperor of the Galaxy, and I'm going to be his second in command! Sorta like Darth Vader. Only I'll be called Darth Pinky. Do you think I'll look good wearing a helmet and a cape?"
"Darth Pinky?" Luke questioned, allowing Chewie to pass the rat into his hand. "Do you know how to use the Force?"
"No, but once I was a contestant on the Price is Right," Pinky bragged. "I ended up winning a lifetime supply of Noodle-Rama and a donkey wearing a sombrero, but Brain wouldn't let me keep him after I fed him the Noodle-Rama and he nearly caused us to pass out from his farts. Brain can be so unreasonable sometimes."
Luke wasn't quite sure what to make of the bizarre rodent, but the fact that Pinky's friend wanted to become the next Emperor was a concern. The young Jedi decided he should take Pinky to his sister, and let her decide what to do about the situation.
Brain pushed aside the bramble, and pulled a leaf from inside his ear, trying to locate his wayward companion. "I don't know why I care if that dim-wit has gotten himself captured by Ewoks," Brain muttered to himself. "I warned him those furry creatures have a tendency to eat first and ask questions later, but does he ever listen to me? Noooo."
Brain stumbled into a clearing, and noticed a large, saucer shaped space-ship parked in the field. As he got closer, Brain noticed all the dents and rust. "What a piece of junk!"
A male voice came from behind a landing strut. "Hey! She can make point-five past light-speed!" The human stepped into view, glaring down at Brain. "You don't look like an Ewok."
"Perhaps not, but you certainly live up to my expectations of what a rebel looks like," Brain commented.
"Thanks."
"It was not a compliment," Brain stated. "You haven't seen a white lab rat around here, have you? Pinky is a little taller than me, and equal to your level of intelligence."
"Who's askin'?"
"Allow me to introduce myself," Brain said. "I am Brain, your future Emperor. Soon, you will bow down before me, instead of speaking to me with insolence."
"Don't you go insultin' my grammar," Han warned.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Brain said, rolling his eyes.
"My name is Han Solo. General Han Solo, I'll have you know," Han replied. "Your friend, Pinky, is onboard my ship talking to my woman right now. I think he wants to join the rebellion."
"That does not surprise me," Brain said. "Pinky is easily influenced by Greeks bearing gifts."
Han frowned. "Greek? What's a Greek? I'm a Corellian."
"Let's not split hairs," Brain said, waving toward the ramp. "Shall we?"
Han shrugged, and led the white rat inside the Falcon, where Brain soon discovered Pinky, perched upon the game table and gleefully spilling the proverbial beans to Princess Leia and Luke.
"I'm not certain a Jack-o-lantronic transmitter would be able to control the minds of Ewoks," Leia commented.
"Of course it will!" Brain spoke up defensively. "This is my greatest plan, ever!"
"It sounds stupid," Luke said. "Ewoks don't even know how to fly ships."
"Once their brains are tuned to my genius, they will understand," Brain argued. "They will know how to use ships and weapons, and will await my orders with bated breath."
"Yuck," Pinky said. "Wouldn't bait breath smell really bad?
"Bated breath is not the same as bait breath," Brain informed Pinky.
"Isn't Brain smart?" Pinky said, batting his eyes at Leia. "He's almost as smart as you are pretty."
"Hey!" Han objected, picking up Pinky by his tail. "Quit flirting with the Princess. She's my girlfriend, not yours."
"Han, please," Leia said. "Pinky may be cute, but he's hardly my type."
Pinky looked down at Brain. "Didya hear that, Brain? A real Princess thinks I'm cute."
"Put down my partner," Brain ordered Han. "I have a galaxy to take-over, and this is causing an unnecessary delay in my plans."
"Don't you be all smarty-clown-nosey with me! You just came here to make time with my woman!"
"Is he always this jealous?" Brain questioned Leia.
"Yes, although it's usually not over a rat."
"Oh yeah? Don't tell me Lando wasn't a rat!" Han roared, shaking Pinky in the air.
"I think I'm getting sea-sick," Pinky warned, slapping his hand over his mouth.
Leia rescued Pinky from Han's grip, and placed him on the floor, where Pinky swayed around.
"Come, Pinky," Brain ordered. "We have wasted enough time. The Jack-o-lantronic transmitter awaits!"
"Okay, Brain," Pinky said. "I'm right behind you."
"Lucky me," Brain grumbled as he exited the ship.
Luke, Leia and Han watched them leave. "Do you think we should follow them?" Luke questioned. "What if his transmitter actually works?"
"Get serious, Kid," Han argued. "They're rodents. They can't possibly accomplish taking over the galaxy."
Leia sighed. "I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this."
Brain led his partner back to the Jack-o-lantronic transmitter, and proudly pointed to his invention. "I am now ready to test out my machine. You may hand me the headpiece, Pinky."
"Thanks, Brain," said the happy rodent, holding out an object that looked like padded earphones. Those earphones were attached by a thin wire, which, in turn, attached to the orange, pulsating ball.
The scowling Brain placed the device over his large ears, and fiddled with the controls on the machine. Finally, long minutes later, he declared, "There, that should be sufficient. I am now ready -."
"Uh, Brain?"
"Be quiet," Brain snapped. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"But…"
"Pinky! I am telling you this one last time…"
"But Brain!"
The shorter mouse spun around, glaring up at his partner. "What IS it?"
Pinky pointed over his shoulder, and Brain jumped with surprise. Hundreds of Ewoks stood in a loose circle surrounding the pair, with their eyes glazed over and holding their spears at attention.
"How long have they been standing there?" Brain demanded.
"A few minutes," Pinky replied. "Are those Ewoks?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm, they're a lot like teddy bears, but in a creepy sort of Twilight Zoney way," Pinky stated, nodding. "Can I be an Ewok, Brain? Huh? Huh? Please?"
"You are not an Ewok," Brain pointed out. "You do not have enough fur."
"I can put on my old twenty-three skidoo ankle-length raccoon coat," Pinky begged. "Then I'll be furry enough."
"I should never have allowed you to take that moldy thing out of the trash can."
"PULLLLEAASEE?"
"Fine, you can wear your stupid fur coat," Brain relented, watching as Pinky ran back into the shuttle.
One of the Ewoks stepped forward. "Goopa! Ees moktok kra yub yub weechu."
"Bring me my Ewok-to-Basic Translator manual when you come back," Brain called to his friend.
In a few moments, Pinky returned wearing his jazzy raccoon pelts and waving a triangle-shaped blue felt college pendant with the emblem of Coruscant University printed on its sides, waving it around madly as he handed Brain the manual. "Do I look like an Ewok? Do I? Do I?"
Brain raised an eyebrow at the moth-eaten coat, then glanced over at the Ewoks. "I'd be hard pressed to tell the difference."
"Thanks, Brain!"
"Now, let's see what that Ewok was trying to tell me…" Brain muttered, flipping the pages of the book. "Goopa… means 'hi'."
"Hi, Ewoks!" Pinky yelled, waving frantically at the group.
"Ees…we…moktok…now…kra…ready…yub yub…follow…weechu….you." Brain frowned in thought. "We now ready follow you." Then he grinned, somewhat manically. "They are ready to follow me!"
"That's good, right?"
"That is very good," Brain stated. He nodded at his audience. "Now you will find all the Imperial and Rebel ships on this planet, throw out the humans, and launch the ships into space! You will spread out, and find more ships! Then you will use your firepower to force all other ships to remain grounded, and that will grind intergalactic commerce to a halt."
"Then what, Brain?" Pinky asked, jumping up and down in excitement.
"Then all the species in the galaxy will start pleading for mercy, and then I will inform them if they accept me as the New and Improved Emperor, I will order the Ewoks to halt their blockades."
"That sounds so neat-o, Brain!"
Brain flipped through the manual. "Oh hheneheh! Ohshimba ta eedada huutaveets! Eedada huutaveets!"
The Ewoks started shaking their spears and hollering, then rushed in various directions, including directly toward the two lab mice.
"Duck, Pinky!"
"Duck? Where's a duck?" Pinky asked, looking around in confusion.
Brain grabbed his friend, and barely had time to pull him out of the way before the mob of Ewoks rushed past, running up the ramp and into the ship. Moments later, the ramp closed, and the engines could be heard rumbling to life.
From the safety of the trees, Pinky and Brain watched as the ship lifted into the sky. This was quickly followed by dozens of other ships taking off and heading toward space.
"Gee, Brain. What did you tell them?"
"'Take the spaceships'," Brain whispered in awe. "It's working, Pinky. A plan of mine is finally working…"
"But what about the Jack-o-lantronic?"
"What about it?" Brain shot back, annoyed.
Pinky pointed at the orange gourd, which had been thoroughly trampled by the Ewoks in their mad rush to take over the spaceship. "Will it still work when it's been turned into mush?"
"MY JACK-O-LANTRONIC TRANSMITTER IS RUINED!" screeched Brain, throwing his earphones to the ground in disgust. "What have they done? Now how am I supposed to control my minions? How are we supposed to get off this backwards planet?"
"You know, Brain, I've been thinking I don't want to be an Ewok anymore."
"You never were an Ewok," Brain groused.
"You don't have to be rude," Pinky said with a sad sniff.
Meanwhile, Han, Luke and Leia craned their necks, watching as all the ships took off over the trees. A gang of Ewoks had even attempted to hijack the Millennium Falcon, only they had been unceremoniously tossed down the ramp by a very angry and possessive Wookiee.
"What do you suppose got into those Ewoks?" Han questioned, scratching his head. "I thought they liked it here."
"This has something to do with those white lab rats," Luke said firmly, looking accusingly at Han. "We should've followed them."
"Why are you blaming this on me?" Han asked, holding his palm to his chest.
"You said the transmitter couldn't possibly work," Leia pointed out. "It seems to me that it worked just fine."
"What? A guy can be wrong sometimes," Han pointed out defensively.
Leia sighed. "At least we have a way off Endor. Hopefully we can warn everyone before the Ewoks take over the galaxy."
"Ewoks taking over the galaxy," Han repeated, shaking his head. "Who would have thought that could happen."
"It will happen," a tired voice said from down at their feet. "Nothing can stop it now. My transmitter has been trashed beyond repair."
The humans looked down at the two rodents, not overly surprised at this point to see Pinky wearing a raccoon coat. "What happened?" Luke asked.
"After I gave the order to take over the ships and create a galaxy-wide blockade, those mindless Ewoks stomped all over my invention," Brain explained sadly. "Now they are running amok in the galaxy, and there is no way I can control them."
"Surely there's something you can do," Han prodded.
"There is nothing, and don't call me Shirley," Brain stated. Then his eyes tracked over to Luke. "Unless…"
"Unless, what?" Luke asked.
"Unless I could find an alternative way to bring them under control."
"How do you propose to do that?" Leia questioned Brain.
"I will need to learn the ways of the Force," Brain stated firmly. "And only one person can teach me – Luke Skywalker."
"What?!" Luke spluttered out. "Why would I do that?"
"Because," Brain explained, locking his fingers together in contemplation. "Once I know how to use the Force, I can simply channel my mind out toward the vastness of space, and lock onto the Ewoks' small, and easily manipulated minds. However, if you refuse to train me, then the galaxy will be plunged into chaos and despair, perhaps forever."
"That's probably true," Leia said grimly.
Luke groaned. "How do you even know you'll be able to access the Force?"
"Oh, Brain is very good at accessing things," Pinky piped up helpfully. "How do you think we've had cable holo-net service for five years without getting a bill?"
"Shut up, Pinky," Brain said tightly. "The less people know about that, the better." Then he grinned up at Luke. "Palpatine's scientists have been injecting me with midi-chlorians for years. I would hazard to guess that I have a higher count than even you, Son of Skywalker."
"What's he talking about?" Han asked.
"I have no clue," Luke admitted.
"Will you train me?" Brain asked, feigning an innocent expression.
"You'll have to do everything I tell you, and it won't be easy," Luke warned.
"Of course," Brain said agreeably.
"What about a lightsaber?" Pinky asked suddenly. "Will Brain get his very own lightsaber?"
"I suppose," Luke said, sounding dubious.
"Cool!" Pinky said happily.
"A two inch long lightsaber?" Han asked with a derisive snort. "Like anyone will be scared of that."
Brain's eyes narrowed, taking on a slight tint of yellow. "You will be… you will be…"
"How long do we have to do this?" Brain complained as he balanced on his head with a small stone hovering precariously above the soles of his feet. "And, more importantly, WHY do we have to do this? It would seem to me that levitating rocks is quite enough of a parlor trick in and of itself. Not to mention keeping this robe you insist that I wear from falling over my head and causing me to become embarrassingly exposed."
"Yoda made me do this when he was teaching me," Luke informed the rodent, as he also balanced on his head. "So I'm guessing it must be important. Probably something to do with balance."
"Probably? Perhaps this Yoda merely had a warped sense of humor, and it has nothing to do with being a Jedi," Brain mused. "This exercise, is, however, giving me a headache."
Before Luke could reply, Pinky came bounding out from the trees, startling both Brain and Luke and causing them to lose their balance and crash down. "Hey, that looks like fun! Can I try that, too?"
Brain rubbed the top of his sore head. "No, you may not."
"Aw, Brain… you never let me do anything fun."
"Besides, training to become a Jedi isn't supposed to be fun," Luke pointed out. "It's supposed to be hard work." Luke pulled himself to sit on a fallen tree trunk, and his face took on a serious expression. "The Force is everywhere. Like an invisible circle, the Force embraces all living things. It's all about - ."
"The hokey pokey?" Pinky interrupted.
Luke frowned down at the mouse. "What's that?"
"You do the hokey pokey in a circle, too," Pinky stated, then started to sing and demonstrate the dance. "You put your left foot in, you pull your left foot out and you shake it all about…"
"No! Stop! The Force isn't a stupid game," Luke yelled.
"According to the song, neither is the hokey pokey," Pinky said stubbornly. "Suppose we do the hokey pokey and turn ourselves around, is that what it's really all about?"
Luke restrained the urge to throttle the rodent. "Why don't you go find Han and Leia, and see if they need your help with something, Pinky."
"Poink! That's a good idea!" The skinny rodent scurried off in the direction he'd come from, leaving Luke alone with Brain.
Luke decided to continue explaining the Force to Brain. "The Force can be used for good or for evil, and anyone that is Force-sensitive must always guard against the darkside of the Force, because once you head down the path toward the darkside, it will forever guide your destiny."
"Forever? That sounds like a very long time, indeed," Brain said.
"How are you coming along with building your lightsaber?" Luke asked.
"Funny you should ask," Brain said, taking a tiny metal cylinder out from under the fallen tree. "I finished it up this morning." He pressed a switch, and a very small, amber-hued blade ignited.
"You got it done already?" Luke asked, genuinely surprised.
"Of course. For a genius like myself, this was child's play."
"I see," Luke said. "We should go for a jog, now."
"Jogging? We spent all morning balancing rocks on our heads, and now you want me to jog?" Brain asked, appalled. "I want to become a Jedi, not a contestant on Biggest Loser."
"In order to become a proper Jedi, you must be in top physical condition," Luke said. "The body and mind are tied together. If you allow one to get out of shape, the other will become weak, as well." With that, the human jogged off, waving for Brain follow.
Brain shook his head in disgust as he jogged reluctantly after Luke. "Personally," he muttered under this breath, "a flabby Sith Lord will do me just fine."
Threepio, followed closely by Artoo, burst into the darkened room, and switched on the overhead illumination. Han and Leia sat up in the bunk, straightening their clothes and trying to smooth down their messy hair.
"Threepio!" Han roared, jumping off the cot as he stalked over to the concerned droid. "What do you THINK you're doing?"
"I … I beg your pardon, General Solo," Threepio managed to say. "I thought you might be somewhat concerned with what has occurred."
"Yeah? If I were you, I'd be more concerned with what's about to occur," Han warned darkly.
Leia approached the frightened droid. "What's happened?"
"Pinky seems to have disappeared."
"Good," Han huffed. "It was like having a five-inch version of you running around under my feet."
Leia glared at Han, then asked Threepio. "Disappeared?"
"Yes, Mistress Leia. When Pinky came back from the forest, he looked around for you, and when he failed to locate you, he decided you might be hiding inside the air vents of the ship, so then he went inside the air vents, and I'm afraid he has gotten lost."
"Let me get this straight," Han yelled, wagging his finger in Threepio's face, "You let that idiot mouse run around INSIDE the guts of my ship? Do you have any idea what kind of damage he could cause? The Falcon is a highly advanced, sensitive piece of equipment, and just ONE misplaced wire could cause catastrophic failure of … of EVERYTHING!"
"Oh, bless my circuits, General Solo," Threepio said worriedly. "I did try telling Pinky that it wasn't a good idea to go inside that open wall panel, but it didn't appear to concern him very much."
Han slapped his forehead. "Where's Chewie?"
"I believe he's spending the morning helping the Ewoks build another tree-house."
"Why do these things always happen to me?" Han moaned, trying to ignore Artoo's soft, sympathetic cooing.
Gasping for air, Brain yelled ahead to Luke, "Stop! I can't run any further without my lungs exploding!"
Luke spun around, and jogged back to where Brain had collapsed against a rock. "We haven't gone very far."
"Claims the human with the long legs," Brain groused. "You try jogging alongside a creature about a hundred feet tall, and then try that argument with me."
"Oh, all right," Luke said, plopping down in the dirt next to the white rodent. "I guess we can stop for a while."
Brain shut his eyes, allowing himself to rest. After a few moments, he felt a cold chill and blinked up at Luke. "Did you feel that?"
"Feel what?"
"That rush of cold air," Brain replied. "It came from…" He looked around, then noticed a small hole, about a foot in diameter, under the edge of the rock. "Right there."
Luke held his hand over the hole. "It is a bit cooler. Hey, wait a second! That's your cave."
"And, for some unfathomable reason, I am supposed to know what that means?"
"Every Jedi has to face the darkside," Luke explained eagerly. "I had my very own cave on Dagobah, when Yoda was training me. I had to go down there and face my greatest fear." Luke frowned as he recalled the event. "I have to admit I didn't do so well."
"What makes you think this hole is my version of your cave?"
"Well, it's cold for one thing. The darkside is cold."
"Really?" Brain asked, his whiskers twitching. "Now that you mention it, I recall the refrigerator is where Zuhl resided. Perhaps we should all dispose of our food storage units as quickly as possible."
"Uh, right. Anyway, you need to go down into that hole. It's one of the requirements."
Brain grunted and stood up. "The resume of a Jedi must cause quite a stir when being discussed with the executive job search committee." He pulled out his tiny lightsaber from under his brown robe, and moved toward the entrance.
"Wait!" Luke called out.
Brain turned, and looked expectantly at the human. "What?"
"You're not supposed to take your weapon."
"Did you?"
"Well, yes."
"Then I will take mine."
"But that's the reason why I failed," Luke argued.
"Fortunately, I am not you," Brain replied, disappearing inside the hole.
"I'm doomed," Pinky cried out, deep inside the dark and dusty corridor. Wires snaked over his head, and the shadows seemed to be reaching out to strangle him. "I should never have come here. Mazes always seem to be my downfall."
A beam of light from a glowrod penetrated the murky darkness. "Pinky?" a concerned female voice called out. "Are you there?"
"Yes?"
"Move toward the light, Pinky."
"I knew this day would come," Pinky cried in despair. "What did I die from? Was it thirst? Hunger? But that's okay… at least I didn't suffer too much." He shuffled nervously down the tube. As he got close to the light, he called out, "You are an angel, right? I really don't want to head down the other direction."
A large hand reached forward and grabbed Pinky, jerking him out of the duct work. "What kind of damage did you cause inside my ship, you miserable little weasel?"
"I HAVE gone down to the bad place!" Pinky screeched, covering his face and trembling with fear.
"Han!" Leia scolded, taking Pinky from the outraged Corellian. "You're scaring the poor dear." She patted Pinky's head. "You're not dead, Pinky."
"I'm not?" the little mouse questioned, peeking through his fingers.
"Not yet," Han threatened grimly.
Brain made his way fearlessly down the sloping pathway, using his superior rodent night vision to see into the inky darkness. "It appears Luke is incorrect," Brain finally said, halting. "There is nothing down here that remotely qualifies as evil, unless you count mold and mildew."
"Ha!" a high pitched voice squeaked out from around a corner. The creature stepped out from the shadows. "That's what YOU think!"
"Snowball!" Brain cried out in surprise, igniting his lightsaber. "I should have known you'd be here. What I thought was mold and mildew was actually your foul stench!"
"Oh yeah?" Snowball the genetically enhanced gerbil, and the bitter rival of Brain, yelled back. "Well, everything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!"
"You'll have to do better than that," Brain said dryly.
With a deep growl, the gerbil ignited his own red lightsaber, and attacked his long-time enemy.
After several long minutes of fighting with their lightsabers, both the gerbil and the mouse stepped back, winded from their short battle.
"Do you concede defeat?" Brain managed to gasp out, holding his aching ribs.
"The feet? How do you know about my plan to control the galaxy, via feet?"
Brain blinked in confusion. "What?"
"Do not play dumb with me," Snowball growled. "I know the reason you're here, and don't bother denying it. That's why all the Ewoks have up and disappeared."
"Well, yes, I suppose you could blame me for that," Brain replied carefully. "Still, I'm not sure how feet play into my latest plan to rule the galaxy."
Snowball held up his pink foot. "Don't tell me you've never noticed we don't wear shoes."
"I've noticed," Brain said, looking down at his own feet.
"That's how I was planning on taking control of the galaxy!" Snowball decreed. "Micro-chipped shoes!"
"Micro-chipped… shoes?"
"It is here that my cheap workforce of trained Ewoks will work night and day to make shoes to my exacting specifications!" Snowball declared happily. "Once I have fitted those shoes to all shoe-wearing species throughout the galaxy, I will send subliminal messages through the micro-chip and turn them into my obedient zombies!"
Brain whacked his forehead with his palm. "Dang it! That is a brilliant plan! Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because I am smarter than you, Brain. Admit it."
"Never!" Brain cried out. "Your plan is doomed to fail, and do you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because… no one in this galaxy wears shoes! They all wear BOOTS!"
Snowball's eyes widened, and he spluttered indignantly for a few moments. Then his face grew enraged. "You are such a smarty-pants know-it-all." Snowball attacked Brain with a fury.
The fight raged on and on, and eventually Brain wore the gerbil down. With one mighty slash of his lightsaber, Brain drove his blade through Snowball's torso.
The gerbil's expression became shocked, and he gurgled out, "That's just mean…" before thudding face down on the ground. Then his body shimmered and disappeared.
Brain sighed and headed out of the tunnel, where Luke stood waiting. "Well?" Luke demanded. "What happened?"
"I successfully dispatched my rival and the greatest threat the galaxy will never know about - Snowball the Gerbil."
"That's not fair!" Luke said, stomping his foot in frustration. "Why did you succeed in your cave, while I failed?"
"The circle is complete," Brain bragged. "Once I was the student, and you were the teacher. Now I am stronger than you, and you should become my padawan."
"What's a padawan?"
"Didn't this Yoda teach you anything?" Brain asked disparagingly. "A padawan is someone that follows his Master around, and does anything the Master tells him to do. A toady, if you will."
"I don't want to be your toady," Luke snapped back. "Besides, doesn't Pinky already fill that role?"
"Pinky does not have the Force as his ally," Brain explained. "Now, place me on your shoulder, and we shall head toward your friend's rusty ship. I will need to be taken to Coruscant if there is any hope of stopping the Ewoks from destroying the galaxy."
En route to Coruscant
Sitting at the game table inside the Millennium Falcon, Pinky gave a big sniff, and wiped his nose with a tissue. "This so not fair, Brain. I want to become Darth Pinky. That costume would look so cool on me, and besides, I've been your friend longer than Luke."
"Would you be quiet?" Brain whispered as he scribbled madly on flimsies. "Someone might hear you. I have them duped into believing I'm a nice, mild-mannered Jedi, not a Sith Lord bent on galactic domination."
Artoo let out a startled beep, and Threepio turned his head to regard the mice. "Did we hear that correctly? You are a Sith Lord, Mr. Brain?"
"No," Brain said hurriedly, mentally kicking himself for forgetting the presence of the droids. "I said I'm a mild-mannered Jedi, NOT a Sith Lord."
"Breepooopeee."
"Artoo is disputing that statement," Threepio said. "He clearly heard you say -."
"Listen," Brain interrupted, wagging his stylus toward the droids. "You have one of two choices. You can spend the rest of your days living in luxury, and having humans cater to your every whim and desire. After all the years and years you've spent serving them, don't you think it's about time those roles are reversed?"
"That sounds very nice," Threepio agreed. "What's the other choice?"
"Having demented Ewoks dismantle you upon our arrival on Coruscant."
Artoo gave a long whistle, and rocked back and forth. Threepio nodded, and said, "Artoo likes the first choice much better, and I must concur with him."
"I thought as much," Brain said, as he continued writing.
"What are you writing, Brain?" Pinky asked.
"My Celestial Emperor's Acceptance Speech."
"Will you read it to me?"
"Not yet, Pinky. It's not completed."
"Is it fun being a diabolical Sith Lord?"
"Exciting beyond words," Brain replied, not taking his eyes off his flimsy.
"What's the first fun thing you're gonna do as Emperor Brain?"
"What can I do for fun, Pinky?" Brain tapped the writing stylus on his chin in contemplation. "That's it! I'll send several bills to Senate for ratification, then veto them all!"
Pinky clapped his hands in anticipation. "Can I write some of those bills, Brain? Huh? Huh?"
"I see no reason why not." Brain peeled off a sheet of his flimsies and handed it to his friend. "Compose away."
Pinky grabbed a stylus and pursed his lips as he considered the possibilities. Then he scrawled, 'I, Darth Pinky, hereby submit the following Bill to the Imperial Senate. Effective immediately, anyone with white fur and less than twelve inches tall no longer has to pay for pizza and ice cream.' He grinned as he handed his bill to Brain, who read it in silence. "What do you think?" Pinky prodded.
"I can veto that one just fine, Pinky," Brain stated, handing the flimsy back.
Suddenly, the Falcon bucked wildly, tossing the two mice onto the floor. The lights momentarily went out, then the emergency power kicked in and a dim light filled the ship.
An outraged Corellian shouted from the cockpit, "PINKY! What did you do to my ship!?" Loud footsteps echoed down the corridor, and Han was soon standing in the hold, glaring down at the white mice, pulling out his blaster, while Luke, Leia and Chewie stood behind him, trying their best to restrain the pilot.
"I didn't mean to do it," Pinky cried out in despair. "It's just that there were so many wires, and being a mouse and all, I…I couldn't help myself!"
"What did you do, Pinky?" Brain asked, standing up and rubbing the welt that was swelling on his forehead.
"I chewed through a few measly little wires," Pinky admitted. "They didn't look very important."
"ARGHHH!" Han yelled. "I should shove the two of you out of the airlock!"
Brain whipped out his lightsaber. "You just try it!"
Han stared down in disbelief. "You're kidding, right? Surely you can't be serious?"
"I am VERY serious, and STOP CALLING ME SHIRLEY!" Brain roared in disgust, as he flung himself forward, attacking the Corellian's toes.
As the amber-hued blade drove down through the boot and the narrow blade struck Han in his left big toe, his face changed from outrage to pain. The pilot jumped back, dropping his blaster and grabbing his left foot while screaming in agony. "OWWW! OWWWOWOWOW!"
"Han!" Leia cried out in concern as she grabbed his sleeve. "Are you okay?"
"How can you ask me that?" Han responded, jumping up and down on his uninjured foot. "That little beast stabbed my toe!"
Brain spun around, and then pushed the blade through Han's right big toe, then back-flipped up and landed on the table, his lightsaber held in a defensive stance. In the meantime, Threepio had very quietly picked up Han's blaster, and moved over toward Brain.
"ARRHHHHGHHH!" Han shouted, dropping to the floor and grasping both of his toes and he writhed around in pain.
"Judge me by my size, will you?" Brain sneered, his eyes glittering yellow. "Pinky, head to the cockpit! We're taking over this ship!"
"Poink! I've always wanted my very own ship," Pinky said happily.
"You can't do that," Han roared.
"I'm afraid he can," Threepio said, raising Han's blaster and pointing it at the three humans and the Wookiee. "Will you please put your hands over your heads?"
"Threepio!" Luke said, shocked. "What are you doing?"
"After spending my life serving Humans, I desire to have Humans serve me," Threepio stated. "Please have Master Luke pass his lightsaber over to Artoo. I would hate to shoot General Solo just to make my point."
Leia looked down at the astromech droid as he extended his 'arm' toward Luke. "You too, Artoo?"
"Vreepoo."
"Who knew droids could turn to the darkside," Luke grumbled as he handed Artoo his weapon.
Coruscant
With their prisoners locked up inside a bunk room, Threepio had usurped Captain Solo's seat and Artoo had hoisted himself up into the co-pilot's chair. Brain perched upon Threepio's head and ordered him to bring the Falcon out of hyperspace. The Ewoks had managed to surpass Brain's wildest dreams. Hundreds of ships - both Imperial Star Destroyers and smaller Rebel corvettes - had been hijacked over the course of the past week, and the Ewoks were obeying Brain's order by keeping a tight lid on the outgoing space traffic. Brain watched as the capital planet came into focus, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Reaching out with the Force, he located the eager-to-please minds of the Ewoks, and mentally ordered them to allow the Millennium Falcon to pass their impressive blockade.
"The final step is about to fall into place," Brain said gleefully. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Pinky?"
"Yes, but I'm not sure that Aunt Jemima is really Uncle Ben's wife."
"No, Pinky. I was thinking more along the lines of how wonderful it will be to finally have my desire to rule the galaxy come true," Brain said.
Sitting atop Artoo's dome, Pinky nodded. "Can you tell me all about your five step plan again, Brain? I've lost count."
"It does not surprise me a bit you cannot count to five," Brain said snidely. "Step One was to go to Endor. Step Two was to take control the Ewoks simple minds with my Jack-O-Lantronic transmitter. Step Three was to have the Ewoks put in a galactic blockade. Step Four was to lift the blockade after the beings of the galaxy had been brought to their collective knees, and Step Five, declare myself Emperor. Things have gone according to my plan, as I am about to demonstrate my benevolence to the galaxy by telling them if they agree to allow me to take control, I will order the Ewoks to stand down."
"Which step was becoming a Sith Lord?"
Brain rubbed his chin in contemplation. "That was not a part of my original five-step program. But after my transmitter was unexpectedly destroyed, it was necessary to make a slight alteration."
"So your five steps turned into six steps?" Pinky prodded.
"I suppose. But it's worked out for the best. It would have been difficult, even with my transmitter working, to control the galaxy without the Force as my ally."
"Is the Force pretty, Brain?"
"Is..? What?"
"Is she pretty?"
"Is WHO pretty?"
"Mally?" Pinky asked. "You keep saying the Force is Mally."
"The Force is not a female named Mally."
"Then why do you keep calling her that?"
Threepio piped up, "I would have to concur with Pinky on this matter. You did say the Force was Mally."
Brain ground his teeth, and glared down at the golden droid. "I am NOT calling her Mally, and who asked you, Threepio? When I want your opinion, I shall ask for it!"
"How rude!" Threepio said, miffed.
"But she's female?" Pinky questioned.
"NO! The Force is not female!" Brain yelled, causing Pinky to start crying.
"You don't have to be mean, Brain."
"Oh, good Force. Stop blubbering, Pinky. Do you think Darth Vader cried every time Palpatine yelled at him? A Darth does not cry!"
Pinky blew his nose. "You're right. It would be very hard to use a tissue with a helmet over my head." He looked over at Brain hopefully. "Does this mean I can be Darth Pinky?"
"Yes."
"Goody! But what about Luke? I thought you were going to make him your second-in-command."
"Young Skywalker is proving to be a tough nut to crack," Brain admitted reluctantly. "Still, I haven't entirely given up on him. Once we land, I believe I can concoct a potion in the lab, and use it to control not only him, but all Force-sensitive beings throughout the galaxy."
"That sounds so exciting," Pinky said, excitedly.
"My very own army of Sith," Brain cackled. "I will be unstoppable."
Han sat on the bunk next to Leia, watching the Princess as she wrapped bacta-bandages around his injured toes.
"The good news is that the little blade just stabbed through the flesh, and missed the bone," Leia said, putting on the final section of tape. "The bad news is that both your toenails will probably turn black and fall off."
"Gross," Luke said.
"I liked my toenails," Han moaned. "They were cute."
"They were cutest thing about you," Leia teased with a smile, then leaned forward and planted a lingering kiss on Han's lips.
"Hey!" Luke said as he paced around the small area. "Could you two keep your hands off each other while we're forced to share this tiny space?"
Han looked up at Luke. "Jealous?"
"No, just nauseated."
The Wookiee, sitting on a small chair in the corner, roared his agreement.
Luke stopped pacing, listening as the ship's engines changed pitch, then shut off. "It sounds like we've landed."
"Do you have a plan for getting us out of this mess?"
"No," Luke shot back. "Do you?"
"You're the Jedi Knight," Han pointed out calmly.
"How does that matter?"
"You're the one that trained Brain, and turned him into a Sith."
Luke flung up his arms in disgust. "So this is all my fault, huh? Sure, blame me. I was only trying to help."
"You did a wonderful job, then," Han said sarcastically.
The Jedi pointed his finger at Leia. "You're the one that said if I didn't train Brain, that the galaxy would be plunged into chaos and despair."
"Brain said that," Leia replied. "I just agreed with him."
Luke's response was cut short when the bunk room's door cycled open. Threepio, Artoo and a dozen Ewoks stood in the entrance, pointing blasters at the group. "Brain has requested that Artoo and I escort you into the Imperial Palace. He has promised me that your time in the dungeon will be very limited, as many systems in the galaxy have already sent messages and have agreed to do his bidding if he orders the Ewoks to lift the blockades."
"I can promise you that your time is limited, too, Goldenrod," Han threatened as he exited the bunker with his hands held over his head.
"Threats will accomplish nothing, Solo."
"It's General Solo to you," Han snarled at the droid.
"I am afraid that is no longer the case," Threepio declared. "Emperor Brain has given me the title of Grand Panjamdrum in Charge of Palace Security, so it would do well if you addressed me as such."
"Threepio, can't you see that following this megalomaniac will only end up in disaster?" Luke pleaded.
"Emperor Brain has promised to free all droids from their lives of servitude," Threepio said primly. "Now, move along, and don't make me order the Ewoks to hurt you."
Since they had no weapons, and Luke wasn't certain he could safely disarm all the Ewoks using the Force before shots could be fired, the humans and Wookiee were taken down into the Palace dungeon.
Back in the Imperial Laboratory, Pinky leaned forward, watching intently as Brain worked mixing liquids together in small tubes.
"That smells good, Brain. Can I taste it?"
"Of course not!" Brain said firmly. "It's meant to be mixed in with Skywalker's next meal. It's the very thing that will turn him into my Jedi Slave."
"Neat-o," Pinky said.
Brain carefully placed an eyedropper into the purple liquid, then sucked up one droplet. "Never use two drops of the formula. It would cause a reaction on the molecular level that is completely unpredictable." He then placed the single drop on a slice of rectangular, pink-colored, gelatinous porcus meat that was to be served to the prisoners. "This is Skywalker's plate. Remember it's the green colored dish, not the pink dish. Not the blue dish. Not the yellow dish. The GREEN dish. Do you understand that, Pinky?"
"Of course. Green dish. Got it, Brain," Pinky said cheerfully, placing all the dishes onto a cart. "You can trust me."
"Good. Now take them their meals. I have to finish up my speech before the big parade tomorrow in my honor," Brain said.
"A parade?!" Pinky cried out. "I LOVE parades! Will there be balloons, Brain?"
"Yes."
"Floats?"
"Yes."
"VUVUZELAS?"
"Over my dead body," Brain stated.
Crushed, Pinky pushed the food cart down the corridor.
The heavy cell door swung open, and Pinky hustled into the damp cell, trying his best to ignore the scowling Ewok guards since they made him nervous. "Hello! Dinner!"
Han lifted the lid, and sniffed the cube of wiggly meat. "Smashed Meats and Castoffs? SMAC?! Are you kidding me? That's not real food."
Chewie let loose with a loud bellow, rubbing his stomach.
"You're not a judge of edible food. You'll eat anything," Han griped.
"We shouldn't be fussy," Leia said. "If we don't eat it, they might not bring us food tomorrow."
Pinky nodded. "It's good. I had a little taste before I opened the door." He watched as Chewie reached for a plate. "WAIT!" The Wookiee pulled back his paw, looking expectantly at the mouse. "That's a blue plate. Luke is supposed to have the blue plate. It's special."
Luke leaned closer, inspecting the food. "It is? It looks like the other plates."
Pinky stared at the food. "Yes, yes it does. But it's special." He handed Luke the blue plate, and Chewie the yellow plate, before turning and handing the green plate to Han and the pink plate to Leia. Chewie was about to take a bit, when Pinky yelled, "WAIT!"
He snatched the yellow plate from Chewie, and shoved the green plate at the Wookiee, then gave the pink plate to Luke and the blue one to the Princess. "There. That's right."
"Are you sure?" Luke questioned, getting suspicious.
"Very."
Luke started to raise his fork, when Pinky screamed, "NO! WAIT!"
Pinky quickly gave the yellow plate to Luke, the green plate to Leia and the pink plate to Han, leaving Chewie to take the blue dish. The white rodent wiped his forehead. "NOW… it's right. I think."
Just as Chewie put the first bite into his mouth, the mouse screeched, "NOOO!"
Disgusted, Chewie grabbed every piece of the wiggly SMAC and stuffed it into his mouth, then swallowed.
"Hey!" Luke objected. "Why did you do that? I was hungry, too!"
Pinky carefully sidled up next to Chewie, and sniffed the Wookiee. "Are you feeling okay, Chewbacca? Any dizziness? Are you deranged? Dumbfounded?"
"ARROUUUHG!" Chewie roared down at the mouse.
"What did he say?"
"He said he's gonna eat you, next," Han replied.
"He's still hungry?" Pinky asked, eyes wide. "There's a lot more where that came from. I'll just go get you some more."
"Don't bother," Han groused.
"Speak for yourself," Leia snapped. "I'm hungry, too."
"Wait right here," Pinky replied, hurriedly shoving the cart out of the cell. "I'll be right back!"
Brain walked around the Grand Throne Room, smiling benevolently at the Ewok minions as they busily replaced the human-sized throne with a rodent-sized throne. He looked over at Threepio and Artoo busily setting up a holo-imaging cam.
"This portrait will be magnificent! Make sure the camera is focused on my good side," Brain ordered, turning his face to the right. "I want my Subjects to know incredibly how handsome their new Emperor is. Oh yes, and make sure you print up a million large posters. We will need at least that many on hand for the street vendors to sell during my big parade. If they ran out, it might cause a riot."
"Yes, Emperor Brain," Threepio said.
Brain looked toward the entrance. "Where is Pinky? After he feed the prisoners, he was supposed to bring me my golden crown, scepter and velvet robe. This poster of me requires proper props." He gave a galaxy-weary sigh. "Why can't a Sith Lord Emperor find good help these days?"
"I do believe that Artoo and I have been very helpful," Threepio pointed out. "Are you unhappy with my work, Emperor Brain? Or perhaps Artoo has been causing trouble? He's been known to do that."
Artoo let out a raspberry, and swiveled his dome away from the protocol droid.
"You don't have to get snippy," Threepio informed his partner. "I am just pointing out the obvious."
"Threepio, why don't you go retrieve my necessary embellishments?" Brain requested, feeling the need to have a break from the prissy declarations of the golden droid.
"Of course, Emperor Brain. I will be most honored," Threepio said. "May I ask where they are located?"
"In my laboratory, on the shelve above the purple vials," Brain said, waving his hand to hurry the droid along. "Don't take all day, either."
Threepio entered the lab, and looked around at the rows of tables holding various scientific experiments. Then his golden eyes located the shelf with the tiny crown, staff and robe. "Ah… there they are …" He reached up, knocking over the vial and spilling most of the purple contents into a tray filled with a pinkish meat-like substance.
"Oh, dear." Threepio hurriedly placed the tube back in the upright position, grateful that about a third of the liquid still remained in the vial. "I hope that wasn't important." He picked up the empty food can, and read the side of the can aloud, "'One high-calorie serving of 'Smashed Meat And Castoffs' provides for all your nutritional needs for an entire standard day!'" He turned the can over, and checked out the price. "Two and a half credits is quite inexpensive. I am certain that Emperor Brain can afford to replace this item."
With that, he picked up the requested items and shuffled back to the throne room, deciding his little 'accident' wasn't worth mentioning. After all, he'd heard that Sith Emperors could display short tempers if they were bothered with unnecessary, minor details, like spoiled SMAC.
Since Brain was busy elsewhere, Pinky decided he could handle doling out additional food for Brain's prisoners. He quickly put down four more blobs of SMAC onto the colorful plates, then located the purple potion. With the eyedropper, Pinky carefully placed one drop of the purple liquid on one portion of the remaining SMAC. He stared at the four plates and scratched his head, recalling how he'd had such a hard time remembering which color plate Skywalker was supposed to have eaten from, and Pinky knew it wouldn't be easier the second time around. He placed a single drop of the potion onto each plate of SMAC, reasoning that since the potion hadn't affected Chewbacca, it probably wouldn't affect Captain Solo or the Princess, either. Right? Pinky thought, nodding and pleased with his own deductive reasoning skills. Then he wheeled the cart back to the prisoners.
Back in the cell…
Luke chewed the gelatinous meat, wrinkling up his nose in disgust. "Sometimes Aunt Beru made us eat SMAC for dinner, but I don't recall that it ever had this off-taste."
"You can tell this has an 'off-taste'?" Leia questioned, forcing herself to swallow the processed substance. "I'm impressed."
Han poked at the sticky purple film on the remaining portion of his food. "What's this gluey stuff coating the meat?"
"Uh," Pinky said, frowning at the question, then his face perked up. "Syrup?"
"Syrup? Who puts syrup on SMAC?"
Luke raised his hand sheepishly. "I do."
"You're joking, right?" Leia asked her brother.
"No," Luke said defensively. "I happen to like syrup on my SMAC."
"Me, too!" Pinky piped up. "Syrup and Cracker Jaks! Yummy!" Then he recalled the potion, and asked Luke, "How are you feeling? Any deformities? Are you delirious? Demented?"
"No," Luke said. "Why?"
"Just curious."
Then Luke blinked, his eyes suddenly feeling heavy. "I could sure use a …a "
"A what, Kid?" Han questioned.
"Naaaap…" Luke drawled out.
"That's funny," Leia said, yawning. "I'm a bit sleepy, myself."
Then both Luke and Leia dropped to the floor, and started snoring loudly.
"Hey," Han said, startled. He bent over, shaking Luke's arm. "Wake up!"
Pinky smacked his forehead. "Drugged! That was the right 'D' word."
"You drugged my friends?" Han snapped. "Why I oughta…"
"It's a bit surprising it hasn't affected either you or Chewbacca," Pinky continued. "Perhaps since you didn't eat very much of your food, and Chewbacca is so large, it would take more than one drop?"
"How would I know?" Han yelled at the rodent.
"I'm Darth Pinky!" Pinky said, backing nervously toward the exit. "You'll need to learn to fear and respect me!"
"Oh yeah? In which lifetime?" Han asked, while Chewie roared his agreement.
"Hey!" Pinky said, pointing past Han's leg. "They're already waking up."
Han twisted his head and gazed down, quickly seeing Pinky was correct. Both Luke and Leia were getting to their feet. "That sure was a short snooze."
"Take me to my leader…" Luke started out in a monotone voice, his eyes glassy and unfocused.
"Hoe," Leia added, in the same emotionless voice.
"Sin," Luke finished.
"What are they babbling about?" Han demanded, looking down at Pinky.
"Honestly, I don't have a clue," Pinky admitted.
Han waved his hand in front of Leia's face. "Sweetheart? Can you hear me?"
"Need leader," Leia said.
"Hoe," Luke said.
"Sin," Leia said.
Han glared back down at the mouse. "What did you do this time?"
"I'm not sure," Pinky admitted. "The potion was only supposed to work on Luke, 'cuz he's Force-sensitive. I think that's what Brain said, anyway."
"Luke and Leia are twins," Han snarled. "She's Force-sensitive, too!"
"Are you really, really, really sure about that? They don't anything alike."
"I'm sure," Han ground out.
Suddenly, Luke and Leia walked forward, and the cell door opened with a wave of Luke's hand. The Ewok guards outside the door raised their blasters, but Leia simply flicked her fingers and the blasters went flying from their paws and clattered down the hallway. Startled, the Ewoks chittered in astonishment, and ran away. The two siblings continued walking, ignoring Han's questions as he hurried after them. Han, Chewie and Pinky followed Luke and Leia until they arrived at the turbo-lift. Once there, Luke and Leia entered then turned to face the door. The three 'non-Force' users ran up against an invisible barrier as they attempted to enter the lift.
"Wait a second…" Han protested as the door slid shut in front of his face.
Han desperately looked around. "I don't see another turbo-lift. How do we get out of here?"
Chewie gave a roar, and pointed down at a dura-steel grate on the floor.
"No way!" Han argued. "I am not jumping down into another garbage chute ever again!"
"I have an actual idea!" Pinky cried out happily. He pointed to a small, square door, two feet by two feet in size, located about three feet off the floor. "We can use the little elevator that I ride in."
Han looked skeptically at the door, and pressed the 'open' button. "It's a dumbwaiter."
"Just because I brought you food, doesn't give you the right to call me a dumb waiter," Pinky said, annoyed.
Han stuck his head inside, checking out the space. "Chewie'll never fit inside here. I'm not sure I can."
"Well, it's just my size," Pinky declared, leaping into the small unit. "Are you coming, or not?"
With a great deal of effort, Han managed to fold his body into the tight space. "Wait for me to send the regular lift back down," Han gasped to his partner as the little door shut, leaving him and Pinky in blackness.
Han listened worriedly as the small elevator creaked and groaned as it tried to make its way up the tube. He looked down at Pinky, who was perched on his knee, as it was the only space available to sit. "I sure hope this has enough juice to get us …"
The tiny dumbwaiter gave a jolt, and ground to a halt.
"Sithspit," Han muttered. "This is about as bad as it can get." No sooner did the words leave his mouth when a loud snapping noise echoed through the wall, and the dumbwaiter plummeted straight down. "AHHHHHHH!" both Han and Pinky screamed into the darkness.
"I'm too young to die!" Han yelled. "STOP!"
To both Pinky's and Han's utter surprise, the dumbwaiter immediately stopped, mere inches from the bottom of the shaft.
"How'd you do that?" Pinky asked in awe.
"I…I'm not sure," Han said shakily. "It probably was a coincidence."
"You think?"
Han shrugged. "Well, it's not like I have the Force or anything. If I did, I'd have it take us back up." The dumbwaiter trembled, then shot upward at a high rate of speed. "AHHHHH!"
Back in the throne room, Brain proudly posed with his accouterments, ordering Threepio to take holo-shot after holo-shot so he could pick the best one for the parade poster. He was somewhat surprised when a bedraggled General Solo limped into the room, followed closely by a fully clothed Chewbacca, and Pinky.
"Master Chewbacca!" Threepio piped up, surprised. "Why are you wearing clothes?"
"Where have you been?" Brain questioned Pinky. "Why did you bring these two back with you instead of my Jedi slaves?"
"Chewie seems to have developed a mysterious streak of modesty," Han replied before Pinky could speak. "We've spent the last hour looking for clothes big enough for him to wear."
"Did my potion work?"
"Not quite sure about that, Brain," Pinky said. "After Chewbacca ate the entire first order, I had to go back to the lab and get some more SMAC, and I was very careful to put just one drop on each of the pieces, because, quite honestly, I had a very hard time recalling which color plate Luke was supposed to get, and since Chewbacca didn't seem to be affected by the potion, I figured it wouldn't hurt him to get another dose, but I had no idea Princess Leia was Force sensitive, too, so when she got a dose she and Luke both took off babbling something about leaders and hoes and sin, which I have to admit doesn't make much sense, even to me."
"It seems your potion had a bigger effect on Luke and Leia than what you thought it would," Han groused out. "They've lost their minds and took off."
"Maybe the potion caused Chewbacca to want to wear clothing? And why the dumbwaiter listened to General Solo?" Pinky asked worriedly.
"Dumbwaiter?" Brain rubbed his forehead. "I have no clue what you are talking about, Pinky."
"You aren't going to get rid of me, are you Brain?" Pinky asked worriedly. "I mean, you, working as a single? Look happened to Jerry Lewis!"
"I should get rid of you!" Brain muttered. "I can't trust you to do one little thing correctly. One drop! Just ONE drop!"
"But I did put on one drop," Pinky sniffed.
"Obviously not," Brain said. "I TOLD you more than one drop would cause a reaction on the molecular level that is completely unpredictable."
Just at that moment, Luke and Leia burst into the throne room, dressed in the strangest clothing Han had ever seen in his life, and he'd been from one side of the galaxy to the other and seen a lot of weird get-ups. Luke was dressed in short green pants, with green tights under his pants, and a white shirt with suspenders, and wore a cap with a feather, and Leia was dressed in a green, knee-length skirt also with green tights, and a white blouse, with her long hair twisted in two long braids.
"YODA!" Luke yelled.
"LADY!" Leia added loudly.
"WHO!" Luke screamed, grabbing Leia's hand and swinging her around. "YODA!"
"LADY!" Leia shouted as she kicked up her heels.
"WHO!" Luke finished, taking a bow.
"They've turned into Swiss lederhosen-clad dancing yodelers!" Brain cried in surprise.
"Talk about unpredictable!" Pinky exclaimed.
"Uhm, Emperor Brain?" Threepio spoke up nervously. "Was that potion located in a tube, right next to the SMAC?"
"Yes."
"And was that same tube right next to your crown and robe?"
"Yes."
"Well," Threepio said, shifting back and forth on his feet. "I might have spilled that liquid into the SMAC."
"THREEPIO!"
"Ha," Pinky said, nodding. "See, Brain? It wasn't my fault, after all."
Han walked over to the window, and gazed at the scene below. "Brain? You might want to get a load at what's happening outside."
Brain and Pinky hurried to Han's side, and they looked down at the street. Ewoks, dressed in green tights and green clothes, danced in the streets, and they were joined in their frantic dancing by many varied species.
Han pointed up at the incoming and outgoing space-ships. "The blockade has been lifted, too."
"Not yet!" Brain cried in despair. "I haven't given the order to lift the blockade!"
"The Ewoks aren't listening to you anymore," Han said, unable to keep the smugness out of his voice. "They're listening to Luke and Leia."
Brain dropped to his knees and sobbed.
Epilogue
Back in their laboratory cages, Pinky watched the holo-set as a giant wheel spun around and around. "I just love game shows, don't you, Brain? What I don't understand is why they need Vannah since they upgraded the set to electronic letters, do you? It's not like she actually turns the letters anymore. They just go 'ping' and light up all by themselves. Even I could do that job, huh, Brain?"
"It is a job made for you," Brain agreed sullenly.
"It sure was lucky that your purple potion wore off so quickly, huh?" Pinky asked. "I'm not sure how long the galaxy could stand yodeling Ewoks."
"Not long at all," Brain concurred.
"What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the galaxy."
THE END