Chapter 22. The Distance
Nathan couldn't ever remember being so hungry. Or thirsty. He couldn't believe he had been unconscious for 2 days. Now, as he sat eating biscuits, he was trying to remember anything about the last 48 hours. Nothing, nada, it was a complete blank. Allie had been so happy to see him awake, she had run into his arms and cried. He had no idea what she had been through while he was out, and that thought troubled him. Now, she was sitting on the bed next to him chatting away, and he was so happy to see her spirits up. He was happy that she was happy.
Just a few minutes later, Faith came in, relieved that he was finally awake.
"Nathan, good morning. So glad to see you are back with us." She smiled. "How do you feel?"
"Pretty good, considering. I'm very thirsty." Nathan confessed. His glass was empty, as was his plate.
"I'll go get more water for you, Dad." Allie piped in. She took the tray and disappeared down the stairs.
Nathan looked at the door, and asked, "Is Julia still here?"
Faith gently said, "I sent her home, Nathan. She was exhausted, and seemed shaken up. Do you remember anything?"
"No, nothing." Nathan replied, looking down at the floor. "The only recent memory I have is waking up to her sitting in that chair." Faith nodded.
"Nathan, how's your pain level?" Faith asked.
Allie walked back in with a pitcher full of water, refilled Nathan's glass, and then set it down on the table next to Nathan. Allie sat next to her Dad, on the edge of the bed.
"It's bearable, and I just took some medication. Julia gave it to me, with the biscuits, before she left," he replied.
"Ok, great." Faith replied. She took his vitals and marked them down, then checked his temperature. "Everything seems in order, Nathan. Let's hope it's all smooth sailing from here. You just need to take it easy, as originally discussed." Faith reminded him.
"Yes, doctor." Nathan said with a smile.
Faith advised him, "Nathan, the best thing for you at this point, is rest. The more you rest, the quicker you are back on your feet. So, try to take it easy today, no going down the stairs. Stay up here, and stay in bed. And, rest. And, tomorrow you will already see a great improvement."
Nathan replied, "Ok, I can do that."
"I will leave you some pain medication. You should keep taking it, all day. I'll write down the instructions and leave it here for you, by the bed." Faith continued, "I'll be back to see you in the afternoon. Allie, if there is anything, you go down to Lee's and call the infirmary, ok?"
"Yes, Dr. Carter." Allie replied.
"Ok, good bye, then." Faith said. She moved towards the door and Allie started to get up. "Allie, you can stay with your Dad. I'll let myself out." Faith said with a smile, and was gone.
Allie stayed with him a little while longer. Then, she decided to go downstairs and do her homework, and let her Dad rest.
When Allie went downstairs, Nathan didn't feel like sleeping, so he decided to read. He looked over to his pile of books and there he found a neatly wrapped brown package, with a little note. He opened the note first:
Dear Nathan,
After our discussion the other day about literature and poetry, I couldn't get this book out of my head.
I wanted to offer you something positive and uplifting while you are convalescing. Not to mention, that this book seems to correspond with who you are. Hopeful and full of life; contemplative, and deep. Pensive, yet positive; Funny and charming.
The book's primary subject is nature and the outdoors, which I know you adore immensely. The author has a way of looking at God's creation that provokes us into deep reflection, all the while leaving us upbeat and excited about life. Contained in it's pages are some of my very favorite poems. I hope you will like them too.
No matter how hard life can get, try to look at the bright side and always…hope.
Your friend,
Julia
P.S. I hope you will like my inscription, on the inside cover.
Nathan set down the card, and opened the delicate brown package. Inside was a book he had wanted and been trying to order for some time now. He smiled, and turned it over in his hands. A Boy's Will: A Collection of Poems by Robert Frost.
He opened the inside cover, to find an inscription, that she had so delicately written:
Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us. - Samuel Smiles
Nathan smiled, wondering what he had done to deserve this simple kindness. Thoughts of Julia filled his mind, and his heart felt full.
He flipped open the book to the first poem, and began reading.
Julia woke late in the afternoon. It took her a long time to get up. She felt much better, but she was still tired. Her mind had been reeling the entire time she was asleep. She had vivid dreams, her mind replaying scenes she didn't want to remember. Now, she laid looking at the ceiling thinking of so many what ifs. Her emotions all at the surface, raw and exposed. She knew she eventually would have to get up, but she put it off as long as possible.
Finally, she drew a hot bath and lost herself in the warmth. When she finally got out, she brushed her hair and teeth, and got herself ready. She ate a bite and decided to see if Faith was in the infirmary. She should get an update on Nathan.
When she opened the adjoining door, it was all silent on the other side. No sign of Faith in the infirmary. Julia had left all of her things at Nathan's, and that's likely where Faith was. So, she decided she would have to go there. She left Faith a note telling her where she went, in case they missed each other.
Julia took the long way around the pond, and she stopped at her dock to think and to pray. She needed wisdom. She wasn't sure how much she should share with Nathan, about what happened. How could she tell him? But, how could she not? With her emotions all on the surface, after all that transpired, how could she keep it from him? One look at her face and he would know. He would ask, and she wouldn't be able to keep anything from him.
Secondly, Julia needed strength. She wanted to be strong for Allie, for Nathan, for herself. For in reality, this was just a trial, Nathan was still here. He was going to be fine. She needed to let go of the fear that had gripped her last night. And, Julia needed to trust. She had heard the still small voice in the wind. Trust me. Now was the time to put those words into action.
When she got to Nathan's, Julia was feeling strong. She was in a good place. She walked up the front steps and knocked. Allie answered, and let her right in.
Allie gave her a big hug and said, "Miss Matthews, you're back. He's doing great, my Dad's doing great now. Thanks to you."
Julia smiled and felt relieved, "Allie, I'm so happy to hear he's doing good. Is Faith here?"
"Yes, she is. She was giving him a check up. Do you want to go up?" Allie asked.
Julia said simply, "I'll wait here for now." And she noticed that Allie had books laid out on the kitchen table. "Are you working on homework?"
"Yea, the math has me in a bind. Without my Dad, I'm stuck," Allie said, dismayed.
Julia offered, "Would you like me to take a look?"
"Sure, that'd be great Miss Matthews." Allie said. She led Julia over to the table and they sat down together. Allie showed her what she was working on, and the exercises she was supposed to complete. Julia read the examples for a few minutes, and then nodded.
Julia took a clean piece of paper and started to explain, breaking down each step. She made a sort of "key" showing Allie how to complete the problem, step by step. By the time she was done, Allie's eyes lit up with understanding, and she nodded.
"Ok, now try one of the exercises." Julia challenged.
Allie applied the concepts Julia had just broken down for her, one by one, and completed the problem. She checked everything over and felt good about her answer. Julia said, "it looks right to me. Good job, Allie!"
"Wow, I can't believe I got it right! But, it's so much easier when you break it down. Thanks so much, Miss Matthews." Allie said, excited.
Perfect timing, Faith came down the stairs, and looked over to find Julia and Allie.
"Julia, so glad to see you. Did you get some rest?" Faith asked.
"I did, thanks. I slept most of the day, I think." Julia said, trying to sound cheery. She paused, and then said, "it was a long night."
"Julia, shall we step out on the porch?" Faith asked. Julia nodded, also wanting to be sensitive to what they said in front of Allie. When the door was closed after them, they both felt more free to discuss Nathan's case.
"How's he doing?" Julia asked.
"Well, I have to say, better than to be expected. After the injuries he sustained, and the 48 hours of fever, he's doing very well. He's sitting up, eating, drinking lots of fluids. He only took a short nap this afternoon. I'm amazed by his progress." Faith answered, the relief showing on her face.
Julia smiled, also relieved. "I'm so glad to hear it."
"And, how are you doing, Julia?" Faith said, motioning for them to sit down on the top step.
"Better." Julia answered, as she sat. "I had a hard night, Faith. Really hard."
"Tell me what happened, Julia." Faith offered.
Julia's face got solemn. And, she shared, slowly, "His fever spiked. He became delirious. He started calling out for his late sister, Colleen. He was trying to make her stay, and become more and more agitated. I tried to calm him, but it was no use." Julia paused. Her eyes filled with tears. "Faith, then he got calm, quiet, weak, limp. He started saying good bye to Allie. He was saying he had to go. It was as if he was putting everything in order, before…" Julia looked away then, across the field, off into the distance. She breathed out, long, trying to keep the tears from falling. "I thought…"
Faith took her hand. "Julia, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. When I saw you last night, I could see that you'd had a rough night, but this. Wow. What did you say, what did you do?"
Julia was honest. "I held him, I told him he could not leave. That Allie needed him."
Faith said, "Julia, I asked him about last night, and he doesn't remember any of this."
Julia said, "I know. This morning I told him he gave us quite a scare, and he only apologized. He didn't seem to remember anything."
Faith confessed, "He's been asking for you, Julia. He wants to see you. I don't know if he remembers anything now, but what do you want me to do? What shall I tell him? Do you want to see him or would you rather not?"
Julia surmised, "I feel strong today, Faith. I prayed for strength on the way here, and somehow…I feel good." she paused, smiling, "I want to talk to him."
"Julia, you never got your day off, like we had worked out. And, I think you really need it." Faith paused, "What if you take tomorrow completely off? Don't even open your adjoining door to the infirmary." Julia nodded, feeling like this could really help.
"You would do that, Faith?" Julia asked.
"I had already promised you, Julia. It just got disrupted by the emergency of Nathan's fever." Faith concluded. Then, she contemplated a little more and added, "Then you can stay in the infirmary for the next 3-4 days after that? I will take all the house calls here at the Grant's during that time? I will come twice a day."
"And you, Faith? Don't you need some time off, too?" Julia asked.
"Well, maybe you can do the same for me, after you are back." Faith answered. Julia nodded, grateful, and hugged Faith.
"You are a great boss and a dear friend, Faith." Julia said. They headed back in the house.
Julia walked up the stairs to Nathan's room, knocked on the door and hesitated just a moment in the doorway. Nathan looked up from his book. Julia could read the title from her vantage point, A Boy's Will. He had found her gift.
"Julia," Nathan said, and his heart skipped a beat as she walked in. She looked beautiful. She wasn't wearing her nurse's apron, but a crisp white shirt and a pale blue skirt that brought out the deep blue of her eyes.
"Hi, Nathan." She said as she sat in the chair next to him. "How are you feeling?"
"Better. Much better, actually." He paused looking at her pensively. She seemed so far away, unreachable. "How are you? Did you get some rest?"
Julia smiled, "I am doing fine, thank you. I did get some rest. I slept most of the day."
"Jules, thank you so much for my gift." Nathan said, holding up the book. "I've actually wanted this one since it was published, but haven't been able to get it. It's been on back order or they've had shipping problems, every time I tried." He laid the book to the side. "It was very thoughtful of you."
"You're welcome, Nathan. I also have his second one, North of Boston, if you'd like to borrow it when you finish that one." Julia replied, "I just thought you should have something better than Virginia Wolfe," She said, as a playful smile lighted her face.
"Well, I love it already. Thank you." Nathan said. When she smiled, he thought they were headed in the right direction. He gave her his crooked smile and looked at her, "You really think I'm funny and charming?"
She smiled even more playfully, and said, "Unabashedly so." That brought a contented smile to his face, and he watched her. There was still too much distance between them, and he wanted to know what was still bothering her.
Nathan finally ventured. "What's bothering you, Julia?"
"Nathan, you don't remember anything that happened last night?" Julia asked.
"No. But, please tell me. I want to know what happened. I want to know why you seem so far away." Nathan answered. "This morning, we seemed so… connected," he said frowning.
"Are you sure you really want to know?" Julia asked. "I'm hesitant because…it's not easy."
Nathan doubted that anything she could say would make him feel more disconcerted that he did right now, because of all the distance between them. He thought it better to know and to close the gap. "Tell me, Julia." She contemplated for a minute and then she nodded.
Julia swallowed hard and began, "As I already told you this morning, when your fever set in, Bill, Faith, and I took shifts. There was always someone here with you, though you were mostly unconscious. Last night, I was on the overnight. Around 2 a.m., your fever spiked and you started to get confused and delirious, as can happen with a high fever. You were agitated and restless." She paused and looked at her hand. "I was concerned about your spleen rupturing so I tried to calm you." She took a deep breath and swallowed hard. She took a minute, debating whether to go on. She didn't think she could tell him any more of the story. Maybe this was enough.
Nathan took her hand, and said, "Julia, whatever it is, you can tell me." She had been avoiding his eyes, but now she met his gaze. He looked at her so gently, she found strength to continue. She nodded and took a deep breath.
"You started calling out to Colleen. You were frantic, asking her not to go. I don't know if you were having a dream or a flashback, it was certainly because of your feverish state. You were very distraught, very emotional and then you started sobbing. Huge, racking sobs." Julia paused. His eyes went dark, and she instantly regretted having told him. He looked so sad and broken. She pulled his hand into her lap and held it in both her hands. She added, just above a whisper, "I held you." With that confession, despite the pain, he moved to the edge of the bed and sat facing her, his hand still in hers.
"I'm sorry, Julia. I didn't mean… to upset you." Nathan said, embarrassed. But, by the look on Julia's face, there was more. Did he want to know more?
"You didn't upset me, Nathan. And, you don't need to apologize. You had no control over any of this. In a delirious state caused by a high fever, you have no control over your subconscious. I knew you were in delirium, and I just wanted to calm you, so you wouldn't injure yourself more." Julia stated.
"Then why do you look like you are still upset?" Nathan asked, tenderly, "What else happened, Julia? There's more isn't there? Please tell me."
"I'm not upset, Nathan. I was frightened, very much, by what happened next." Julia took a deep breath and considered how to go on. "And, I know it's not your fault, you couldn't have known what you were saying. But, what you did next, made me think the worst. It looked like the worst was happening before my eyes, and I was helpless." She paused again, and tried to collect herself. She didn't want to cry. He now took both her hands in both of his, and watched her intensely.
Julia took a deep breath and continued, "Next, you calmed down. You went completely limp and your voice was so weak and quiet. You started saying your good-bye's. To Allie. You were telling her that you had to go. You were sorry to leave her. It was as if you were putting everything in order, before…" She took a deep breath, blinking back tears now. "And, I thought…" she swallowed hard, "I thought we were losing you. On my watch."
Nathan said, so gently, "Julia, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I frightened you. I'm sorry you had to hear all that, go through all that." He tried to imagine how scary it must have been for her. "What did you do? Why didn't you just slap me?" He wanted to lighten her load.
Julia smiled at that comment, and he was so happy to see that little smile. "Nathan Grant, I could not ever imagine a scenario where I would ever be inclined to slap you. Fever or no fever. But, I did get rather angry with you. I shook you and told you to fight. I was not allowing you to leave us so easily." She looked down at her hands in his, and said, "And I prayed, I prayed hard." She paused for a long moment, and then looked back up at him, "I just thought of Allie. I kept thinking how would I ever tell her? I have delivered bad news before, to families in Calgary, but Allie?" Julia's voice broke as she said Allie's name, and a tear escaped down her cheek. Nathan reached up, and tenderly wiped it with his thumb. As he did, he let his hand rest on her face.
"I'm here, Julia. I'm not going anywhere." He reassured her, his eyes fixed fiercely on hers. "You aren't getting rid of me that easily. Not you. And, not Allie."
Julia nodded. "It was so intense, I just think I need a few days to..." she paused, trying to find the right words that would leave him without a single ounce of guilt. "Move past it."
Nathan just fixed his gaze of affection on her, he wasn't letting up. Even if he had to lay it all bare before her, he would. "I'll be right here. And, one thing is certain, you will be in my thoughts. In fact, I can't seem to stop thinking about you, Julia Matthews."
Julia felt her heart skip a beat at his confession. She felt the exact same way about him, but she couldn't tell him, not now. As he looked at her so sweetly, she felt vulnerable, all her emotions right on the surface. Last night, there was so much that happened between them. Things that he didn't even remember, like her holding him, touching his face, and crying with him. But, she remembered. She had felt it all, and it went straight to her heart. And then this morning, when she had been so relieved, he had been so tender. They had been so close, holding hands and touching each other.
There was too much feeling and emotion between them to go back now. But, she needed a break. She wanted to process her fears and emotions, so they could be on level ground to move forward when they were ready.
"Thank you for understanding, Nathan. It means a lot. You are very dear to me." Julia confessed. She slowly pulled his hand up to her lips and tenderly kissed it. Then she let go, turned, and walked downstairs.
She said good bye to Faith and to Allie and she walked out of Nathan's row house. She turned and walked towards town, and as she looked up, the sky was a million different colors. Brilliant and radiant and breathtaking, just as it had been at the overlook, when she stood with Nathan, all those weeks ago. They had come so far, and had so much more in front of them.