March's prompt - "leeches"

The Leeches of Remalord

After ANH, before ESB

Leia slammed the old fashioned door shut with a loud bang, glaring daggers at her pilot. "I swear..."

"Princesses aren't supposed to swear," Han interrupted with a smirk. "It ain't royal an' all."

"Being around you would make a Timborian Holy Monk swear," Leia snapped back. "Did you really have to go insult our hosts? I try and try to be diplomatic and understanding of cultures that are a bit different - "

"A bit different?" Han interrupted again. "These lame-rods ain't a bit different, sweetheart. They are completely spiced out weird."

"General Rieekan needs to assign me a different pilot for my next trip, that's all there is to it," Leia said, pushing past the arrogant Corellian to head toward the refresher. "Wearing a hat and drinking out of a communal bowl isn't all that strange."

"Those purple pointy hats were taller than you are! I could barely balance it on my head!" Han argued loudly. "Plus, they had noisy bells dangling off the rim. By the end of the evening, I thought I'd loose my kriffin' mind from all that tinkling kest noise."

Leia spun around on her heel before entering the refresher. "Your mind, I'm certain, has been lost for years."

Ignoring that insult, Han continued, "And what the hells was that stuff we were drinkin', anyway? It came out of a big old black pot that was sparkin' and smoking, but when they poured it into the cup, it was ice cold. Weird, I'm tellin' you. They may look human, but those beings are weird."

"Would you please stop saying that?" Leia asked, barely holding onto her patience. "They might be listening."

"I've already scanned our room, and it's clean. But if they are listening in, you don't think that's not weird, too?"

"We knew this culture was isolated for a reason, but they have access to munitions the Rebellion badly requires," Leia said, clenching her jaw. "We were briefed before this mission, but in case you weren't listening - again! - this is why we have to pretend we're bonded. They don't believe in staying single once a person becomes old enough to procreate. Don't you ever pay attention during briefings?"

"Not really," Han replied with a shrug. "They're kinda boring."

"Arghhh!" Leia said, slamming the refresher door in Han's face.

"Which side of the bed do you want, sweetheart?" Han called through the door.

"The side with easy access to the fireplace poker!" the Princess yelled back, although she was only rewarded with a loud snort of laughter.

Leia spent the next morning and afternoon in difficult negotiations with the officials of Remalord while Han whiled away the day in town, and hopefully was managing to stay out of trouble with the locals. But by the end of the day, the Princess was finally rewarded with a fair and equitable sale of those valuable munitions. Although she tried to gracefully decline yet a second dinner with their hosts, she was unable to wiggle out of the meal.

Han was not happy, and complained under his breath about those noisy, uncomfortable hats for the long walk to the formal banquet hall. If it hadn't have been necessary to pretend they were bonded, Leia would have pushed him off the nearest balcony, or at the very least left him in the apartment without having dinner.

Trying to maintain a pleasant expression on her face, Leia nodded as Han unexpectedly and gallantly pulled out her chair before taking his own seat. This earned him a happy nod from the portly Remalordian King Tidus and his homely wife, Merlindo, who was rather obviously staring at Han with a great deal of admiration. This annoyed Leia, too, since it was also obvious Solo was perfectly aware of the appreciative stares from not only the Queen, but all the other Remalordian females in attendance, as well.

The meal was quickly served, and Leia tried not to think about the various unidentified objects jiggling around on her plate. Some things were slimy, others were strangely crunchy and left her with the urge to pick her teeth clean sitting right at the table, although manners dictated otherwise. Han ate the dinner roll, the least objectionable thing on the plate, and pushed around the various servings to make it appear he'd eaten a bit, sticking to sipping the strange beverage.

"I am so very glad you enjoyed our dinner preparations," King Tidus belched out loudly, as he finally slurped the last of his squishy main course into his gaping maw of a mouth. "This is considered a very rare delicacy on our planet, so I'm most pleased you seemed to enjoy the stewed leeches, picked from my palace's very own swamp lands."

"Leeches?" Leia repeated, her face blanching as she stared down at her now empty plate.

Han let out a snort of amusement, which was immediately rewarded by Leia giving him a swift kick under the table on his ankle.

"OW!"

"Shut up!" Leia hissed under her breath.

"Your husband didn't seem to enjoy our meal very well," Queen Merlindo added, glaring disdainfully at Han's mostly untouched plate.

Leia opened her mouth to try and make a diplomatic excuse for Han's rudeness, but Han was fast to speak for himself. "I ate a lot of vendor food at the local bizarre...err.. bazaar... down the street," he said, winking at the Queen. "Not that I don't like your, uh, leeches, ma'am, but I have to keep myself fit an' trim for my little woman."

Much to Leia's chagrin, the Queen seemed to find this highly amusing, but the King's next comment left both Leia and Han a bit puzzled.

"Your little woman ate enough leeches for a female twice her size," King Tidus said, nodding at the Princess's plate in approval. "You will need to be fit in order to keep up with her tonight, Solo of Corellia."

With that remark left unexplained, both the Queen and King stood up, removed their tall, jingly hats and left the room, effectively ending the meal and the discussion, while Han and Leia were escorted back to their apartment.

No sooner had the door shut to their apartment, then Leia shut her eyes, swaying unsteadily. "I feel funny."

Han took a moment to actually look at Leia and was taken aback by the Princess's appearance. "You do look a bit flushed, sweetheart. I hope you're not allergic to leeches... or whatever those crunchy things were. I think I saw spider legs mixed in with the sauce."

"Help me to the bed," Leia snapped, her brown eyes opening and staring up at Han with an expression he'd only seen a few times before in his life... mostly in documentaries where the loth-cat is about to pounce on her prey and eat the unsuspecting nerf before the nerf knew what hit him.

"Um, okay, Your Worshipfulness," Han said soothingly. "You should probably get a good night's sleep. You've had a long day and I'm sure you're tired."

"Tired?" Leia yelled, pounding his chest with her fist. "You don't know the meaning of tired!"

"I... I don't?"

"NO!" Leia screeched out, grabbing his wrist and pulling him along toward the bed. "You keep bragging about how great you are with women! Now prove it!"

"What?"

"PROVE IT!" Leia yelled, pointing at the bed. "Get your clothes off and ravish me, you... you good-looking moron!"

Han blinked, his jaw hanging open in astonishment, unsure whether to be insulted by being called a moron, or complimented by the 'good looking' part of her sentence. "I believe you might have had too much to drink this evening, Leia," he finally managed to splutter out. "I'll go see if I can find you some caf so you can sleep it off."

"I don't want to SLEEP, you Corellian dim-wit!" Leia snarled, grabbing his shirt along with a bit of chest hair, which made Han yelp in pain and try to pull away from the suddenly demented Princess. "I WANT SEX!" Leia grabbed Han by the back of his neck, yanking his face down and planting a hard, deep kiss against his lips.

Then she passed out, collapsing onto the large bed with her mouth wide open and snoring away.

A ringing noise roused the Princess from her deep slumber, and she stumbled from the bed with a splitting headache while at the same time wondering why she was still wearing the same clothes from the night prior, only minus her shoes. A hissing sound coming from the refresher told her Han must be already up and taking a shower.

She answered the door, blinking up at the homely Queen Merlindo. "It's rather early. Can I help you?"

"Early?" the Queen repeated, then laughed. "Of course. You were probably still asleep. I'm sure you had a wonderful time last night with that handsome husband of yours." She tried peering around Leia's shoulder. "Where is he, anyway?"

"Taking a shower," Leia replied tightly. "What was in that drink last night?"

"The drink?" Merlindo repeated. "Oh, nothing was in the beverage! The main course was leeches!"

"So I recall," Leia said woozily. "I must be allergic to leeches."

"Oh, I doubt that," the Queen said. "Those were aphrodisiac leeches. Love bugs, as we like to call them. When you eat them, you and your lover will enjoy an evening of rather intense pleasure. Did you have a enjoyable night last night, my dear Princess? He's so good looking, I'm rather jealous."

Leia blinked, trying to assimilate what this strange woman was saying. Love bugs? An aphrodisiac inside the leeches that she'd eaten? What did happen last night, anyway?

"Uh... yes, Queen. It was a lovely meal and a lovely evening. Thank you so very much," Leia said, trying to gently push the Queen away from the doorway. "We will be leaving within the hour, and I truly appreciate your efforts to help the Rebellion."

"Yes," the Queen said, looking at Leia like she'd sprouted another head. "The Rebellion is a noble cause. Have a nice flight back."

"Thank you." Leia shut the door, leaning against the wall. A moment later, she could hear the refresher door open behind her. Reluctantly she turned around to face Han Solo, who was standing next to the bed wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

"What are you wearing?" Leia asked, eyes wide. "How dare you be so presumptuous to stand there practically naked!"

Han glanced down at the towel. "You're worried about me wearing a towel? After last night? Are you kidding me?"

"What... what happened last night?"

"Oh, you were a real fire-brand last night, sweetheart, Couldn't keep your hands off me. Ravished me all night long... not that I'm complaining, mind you..."

"You... that's... not true!" Leia stuttered out, trying desperately to recall the events that happened after dinner. Unfortunately, it was all a complete and utter blank.

"Isn't it?"

"NO!" Leia yelled, rushing past Han and into the refresher, where she could regain her composure in privacy.

Han watched her slam shut the door, and then broke into a huge grin. He decided he'd wait until they were back on base before he told her what really happened. Until then, he wondered if the King would sell him some of those aphrodisiac leeches before they left the planet.

The End