Chapter Five - Broken Promises

Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm and Harry has depressing, suicidal thoughts.

It had been three days since the rescue of Potter at his relatives' house and the news of Lupin becoming missing. Severus had wanted to tell the boy, but he couldn't figure out the right time to tell him or even how. It was hard because Severus knew if he told Potter about the wolf, it would only cause him a lot of emotional stress.

The past three days hadn't been exactly easy for Severus either. He swore that the kid lived only for the purpose of irritating him. Ever since Potter arrived, all they've done was argue over everything, and Severus meant everything!

Severus could also tell Potter was itching to cut himself. He would see it in the way Potter rubbed at his hands when he was stressed or angry, or how he looked around the room when he thought Severus wasn't watching, trying to find something to inflict harm to himself. Severus then realized he was going to have to keep a closer eye on Potter. Severus didn't even know how he was going to start up the subject of Potter's abuse or why he was suicidal when the kid had decided to become an uncooperative brat.

Severus sipped his cup of strong coffee and turned a page of the Daily Prophet he was reading. There was still no sign of Lupin. Albus floo called him yesterday, saying the Order still hadn't found any leads. Severus knew it was turning into a fruitless search, so he might as well get on with telling Potter.

And speaking of uncooperative brats, Potter made his way to the kitchen and sat down looking grumpy. Severus flicked his wand mentally saying, Accio Potter's breakfast, sending a bowl of cereal in front of the boy.

"How did you sleep?" Severus asked nonchalantly as he turned to another page of the Daily Prophet.

Severus knew the brat was still having trouble sleeping, so he'd decided to start up Occlumency at night again. They did it the first night Potter was here but then after all of the arguments they'd kept having lately, Severus stopped helping him.

"Fine," Potter mumbled as he slowly ate his cereal.

"How about we try Occluding tonight?" Severus knew the boy was lying. He could tell by the dark circles under his eyes that he was obviously not getting enough sleep.

"No, I'm fine, sir, I've been sleeping," Potter muttered before abandoning his food.

"Potter, I can tell that you haven't been sleeping. You look dead on your feet!" Severus snapped. "No matter what you say, we're doing Occlumency tonight and that's my final word."

"Blimey...okay," Potter rolled his eyes, muttering under his breath.

Severus lost his temper. "Get out!" he shouted.

"I didn't do anything!" Potter looked at him with wide eyes.

"Yes, you know very well what you've done! I've had enough with your attitude for the past three days and if I get any more eye rolling from you, I swear I'm going to hex you all the way back to your bloody relative's house! Go to your room!" Severus yelled.

As soon as the words left his mouth, Severus instantly regretted them.

I went too far! Severus thought in frustration. I'm handling this all wrong!

Potter was staring at him in horror at the thought of Severus taking him back to his relatives.

Severus reached an arm towards him. "Look, Potter, I didn't mean what I..." I'm not a fucking child therapist! I'm the wrong person to handle this kid! Damn you, Albus!

"You promised yesterday!" Potter shouted, getting up from his chair and stepping away from Severus.

"You said I didn't have to go back!"

"Potter, I didn't mean it! It was out of anger!"

The boy didn't listen, he turned and ran to his room, slamming his door shut behind him.

Severus swore loudly, throwing his newspaper on the table.

Harry slammed the door shut. He couldn't believe Snape would do this! He knew he couldn't trust that greasy git! Harry knew this was all just a scheme he'd cooked up! This whole time Snape was only trying to gain Harry's trust by rescuing him from the Dursleys, just so he could take him back there, as if this was all a sick joke to him!

Harry paced the room. I have to get out of here! he thought. Staying in Snape's quarters for the past three days was driving him mad. Harry turned and suddenly kicked his night table, only resulting in bruising his toe.

Harry swore and sat down on his bed. He then barely realized that he was scratching his arm. He hadn't been very successful in finding anything to cut himself with. Harry tried to stop like Snape wanted him to, but because of the arguments and stress going on in the past three days, Harry had given up on trying.

Harry had also tried to be good and keep out of the way, but it was hard when Snape was always there breathing down his neck, yelling at him for every little thing!

Harry scratched harder at his left arm, welcoming the pain. Pain was the only thing he could control lately. Sometimes Harry just wished he could forget everything. All the pain he felt inside and all of the people who had gotten hurt from protecting him, the people Harry had lost. It was just too much to bear and Harry was tired of the heavy weight he was constantly feeling on his shoulders due to the prophecy he'd recently learned at the end of his fifth year...after Sirius' death.

Harry forced the thoughts of his godfather in the back of his mind as he scratched even harder. The pain was so comfortable. It calmed him down. Harry didn't notice his bedroom door open until it was too late.

"Potter?" Snape's voice sounded and before Harry could hide his arm, Snape entered the room.

Feeling guilty, Harry pulled down his sleeve but it was too late. Snape glared at him and in two quick strides he was standing in front of him. The Professor rolled up Harry's sleeve, revealing the dark-red scratches on his arm.

"It seems like I'm not the only one who broke a promise," Snape drawled. His cold black eyes pierced Harry and he forced himself not to squirm under the intense stare.

Harry tried to pull his arm away but Snape held on, making him panic.

Flashbacks flashed in his mind of Uncle Vernon grabbing him by the arm, getting ready to swing a punch at him. Snape lifted his hand and Harry flinched, covering his head with his right arm.

"Potter," Snape said quietly. "Look at me."

Harry was too afraid. He was afraid that Snape was going to punish him like Uncle Vernon for scratching up his arm.

"Look at me," Snape muttered again as he let go of Harry's arm.

Harry snatched it away, and kept it close to his chest. He could feel his face flushing red in shame. Harry knew it was too good to last. Not only was Snape going to take Harry back but he was going to punish him, and Harry knew he deserved it. He knew he deserved to be punished for the way he'd been acting. Like an ungrateful freak who took up all of Snape's time.

Still refusing to look at Snape, Harry heard the professor sigh in frustration, along with the sounds of him sitting next to him on the bed, feeling the mattress dip down a bit. Harry felt his body tense up, not trusting Snape at all.

"I'm not your uncle, Potter," Snape said quietly. "I'm not going to hit you for doing something you cannot help. It was wrong of me to assume you'll automatically stop hurting yourself. Now look at me so I can show you what I was going to do."

Harry peeked through his fringe of his black hair at the Potions Professor. Snape was frowning down at him. Harry sighed, turning to look at him directly with caution. Snape raised his hand, causing Harry to flinch a little. Harry hoped the Potions Professor didn't see it, but unfortunately he did because he paused before reaching his hand into the folds of his robes, then pulled out his wand.

"Accio healing balm," Snape summoned. The little jar zoomed into Harry's room and placed itself onto Snape's hand.

"Let me see your arm," Snape asked.

Harry glared at him with mistrust. "I don't need any healing, sir."

Not only did Harry not trust Snape's intentions but also, he didn't want to get rid of the burning pain caused by his deep scratches. He wanted to keep feeling it. The burning scratches dulled the pain Harry was feeling inside. It soothed the pain in his heart that forced him to go through the motions of everyday life, not caring at all about anything. Harry honestly couldn't remember the last time he'd ever felt really happy. He just wanted his life to be over, it was too much to bear. And Harry was angry that he got screwed over. He could've had so much if it wasn't for that damn prophecy!

Suddenly Harry's grief for Sirius overwhelmed him and he tried not to let the tears come out. He was just sick of being sad all the time, and the only person who could've helped Harry was gone forever.

Severus could see the mistrust in Potter's green eyes, so he chose his next words carefully. He couldn't afford to lose his temper again.

"Potter, stop being ridiculous. You do need to be healed. Those scratches are deep," Severus said with great control, trying very hard to not yell at Potter.

Anger for the boy's uncle was surging through him. Severus could see how traumatized Potter really was, even though the boy hid it very well. But still.…

How the fuck did I never notice his behavior? Severus berated himself. He'd taught the boy for five years! He knew the signs and what to look for! Severus was an abused child himself! Even though he wasn't a professional in dealing with such cases of abuse, he did have limited experience of former abused students from his Slytherin house during his teaching years at Hogwarts. Severus should've known at least during Potter's first or second year that something was wrong.

Again, guilt settled heavily in his heart, because Severus knew that his hate had blinded him from seeing the abuse Potter had hidden from the Hogwarts staff for five years. I should've fucking bloody seen it! Then maybe...maybe... I don't bloody know... Maybe things would've been different for Potter right now...

Severus glared down at Potter who was still refusing to give him his scratched-up arm. The boy was looking down at his feet, his cheeks were red from probably embarrassment or anger. Severus sighed. If only Lupin were here to help this kid or perhaps even the mutt, Black. Potter needed someone familiar to care for him. He was not willing to trust or accept Severus, making things harder. Severus then realized that if Lupin wasn't going to be around, then he was going to have to be patient and show the boy that he did care. Maybe that would help break the walls that Potter seemed to have built up around him.

Severus decided to just apologize to Potter about earlier, and then maybe he'll let him heal his arm. What they both needed right now was a heart to heart, an understanding of each other if things were ever going to work out. Potter needed to feel safe to heal and talk about his depression, the abuse and his self-harm.

"I know you don't trust me, Potter, I completely understand why. I know I've misjudged you unfairly, I've shown you nothing but hate and dislike in the past. Now, you must understand that we're in dangerous times with the Dark Lord coming back. Right now is not a time to be angry and fighting. You're here for not only your safety, but so I can help you, let me help you."

"You said I didn't have to go back to the Dursleys yesterday morning," Potter accused as he finally looked at Severus. "So why should I let you help me? I was right to not trust you. Just like how I know I could never trust Aunt Petunia or Uncle Vernon and not even Professor Dumbledore!"

Potter's words confirmed Severus' feeling in his heart that the boy had trouble trusting not just him, but all the adults in his life. Severus could remember himself having the same problem as a child. He knew enough on the subject of child abuse that it was common.

"You were right not to trust me in the past, but maybe it's time to let your guard down, Potter," Severus said. "Think about it, if I really wanted to murder you or hand you over to the Dark Lord, do you think I would've done that already?"

Potter didn't say anything, he just gave Severus a disbelieving look.

"I know what I said earlier about your relatives was wrong. I also don't mean to take you back there. I was just angry. I promise you, I'm going to work on my temper and be more patient with you. And in time, I hope you'll learn to trust me."

Potter's eyes were now trained on the floor again, but Severus knew the boy was thinking about what he'd said. Severus didn't press him to say anything in return. He just waited in silence, giving Potter as much time as he needed to think.

Don't trust him no matter what he says! were the words going on in Harry's mind as he thought about what Snape just told him. Don't trust him! Don't trust anyone but Ron and Hermione, your best friends who've always stuck behind you through everything! Don't trust Snape!

Snape sounded so sincere with his apology and the words he'd said. It seemed like Snape was trying to apologize for not just earlier, but for the five years of hell he had given him. Snape seemed to want to start over with their relationship, but should Harry take that chance?

How could Harry take the chance? When the adults who were supposed to raise him and love him did nothing but cause him pain throughout his whole life? Should he trust Snape? Another adult who's done nothing but humiliate and bully him for the last five years….

Harry unknowingly began to rub his left arm as he stressed over what he was going to do. If he was willing to talk to Snape and trust him, then it would be easier living with him. But what if this was still a trick Snape was doing? Then Harry would be the naïve kid who gets hurt again.

What should I do? Harry wondered.

A hand rested on his right arm. Harry flinched at the hand, until he looked up and realized it was Snape. And Harry became aware of what he was doing to himself.

What is wrong with me? Harry thought as he looked at his scratched-up arm. Why does Snape even want me? Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were right. I'm just a freak who hurts himself and is more trouble than he's worth.

"Just heal me, please," Harry whispered. He still didn't want to be healed but he'd relented so he could just get rid of Snape. His heart was feeling heavy and he just wanted to curl up in his bed and forget about the world, to simply stop living.

"Hold out your arm," Snape instructed in a weary voice. It seemed like the Professor knew what Harry was thinking, that Harry just wasn't ready to trust him yet.

Harry held out his arm and let Snape rub the healing balm on it. His scratches immediately healed without leaving any scars, as they weren't as deep as the cuts Snape healed before.

"I'm not going to press you any more on the matter of you learning to trust me and opening up. Unfortunately for you, I'm going to have to come down on you harder when it comes to your need to self-inflict harm onto yourself. I'm going to put a spell on your hands to prevent you from scratching yourself, as I'm aware that you can't help it and it is done unconsciously while you're upset."

Harry nodded, not caring anymore. It was like he had no control or say in anything that involved him. His life was being controlled by others all the time and he was sick of it. He had no fight left in him. And so Harry decided to just let Snape do the spell, if only so Snape could just leave his room.

"It is a simple spell that mothers use for their infants to keep them from scratching themselves," Snape explained, as he waved his wand over Harry's hands and muttered the incantation. Harry's nails glowed a soft pink for a moment and then turned to normal. His hands didn't feel any different. Harry tried to test the spell by scratching, and no matter how hard he scratched his skin, he couldn't leave a mark.

"I see it works," Snape said. "That should help you for now and when I think you're ready, I'll lift it."

Harry nodded. "Thank you, sir, can I start doing my homework now? I have a really nasty Transfiguration essay to do for Professor McGonagall." Harry had no intention of doing homework. He was just giving Snape a hint that he wanted to be left alone.

"Not yet. I actually have to discuss an important issue with you concerning Lupin."

"Do you know when he's picking me up?" Harry asked, all thoughts of getting Snape out of his room quickly vanishing.

Snape only shook his head. "Lupin is not coming," he then said in an uncharacteristically gentle voice.

"What do you mean he isn't coming? You said he was going to come and get me!"

"Potter, before I say anything more, I just want to let you know that you have a place here in my quarters. I know we've been arguing a lot and it doesn't seem like you're welcome here at times, just know that what I'm about to tell you does not mean you're going back to your relatives' house."

Harry nodded, whatever Snape was going to tell him about Remus couldn't be good then.

"Professor, did Remus...did he get killed on his mission?" Harry choked out, already thinking of the worse.

"Not necessarily. Professor Dumbledore recently informed me that during Lupin's mission, the base that he was residing at was under attack by Death Eaters. He has been missing ever since."

Harry gaped at Snape in shock, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Remus was missing? He could be hurt or dead, and they wouldn't even know it!

"What is Professor Dumbledore doing about this?" Harry asked. "Are they looking for him?"

Panic was rising in Harry's chest and more than anything, he wanted to run out of his room and look for Remus himself. Remus was the last Marauder, the last of his father's friends. Harry wasn't ready to lose him.

"Dumbledore has the whole Order looking for Lupin since the Ministry won't even bat an eyelash on the case of a missing werewolf."

"But that isn't right! Why are they so prejudiced against werewolves? They're human most of the time!"

"I know, Potter, but some people are just ignorant of things they don't understand or are too afraid to understand, like werewolves for instance. They just brand them as dark creatures, no questions asked. There are a lot of prejudices going on in the Ministry and not just werewolves are suffering because of it."

Harry nodded, thinking of Hermione's badges to free the house elves.

"Does the Order have any leads yet?"

Snape shook his head. "There are no leads on where Lupin might be. It's like he just vanished. Professor Dumbledore thinks our only hope is that wherever the Death Eaters have taken Lupin, they'll summon me there for Veritaserum or dark potions."

Harry let the words sink in. Snape was practically telling him that Remus was good as dead with no leads, except that he might be at the hands of Death Eaters. Death Eaters who followed Voldemort; someone who wasn't known for mercy. Harry had to do something to help in the search for Remus. Maybe if Voldemort gave him a vision involving the werewolf, Harry could find out where he was. Harry decided he was going to have to convince Snape to change his mind about doing Occlumency tonight. Even if it meant Harry's lack of sleep, he'll do anything to help find Remus.

"Are you alright, Potter? I know this changes things and you're most likely going to have to reside here all summer. You're welcome here, even if our differences and animosity towards each other makes it difficult."

Harry looked up at the professor. Again he was shocked at the change of attitude in Snape. Snape has always hated Harry and now all of a sudden he was acting like he cared.

He probably pities me…but he told me the truth about Remus. He didn't keep it from me or treat me like a little kid.

Maybe I can trust Snape a little at least….

But then flashes of Uncle Vernon choking Harry flashed in his mind. Flashes of Aunt Petunia not caring enough to stop her husband. Also of Sirius passing away in the veil and leaving Harry. Dumbledore telling Harry about the prophecy, and the anger Harry felt at the headmaster for lying to him for years. And now Remus is gone… The one adult left that Harry was counting on.

No, Harry couldn't trust Snape, not ever. So he built his wall back up to protect his heart. Harry was tired of getting hurt.

"Potter, stop," Snape said gently.

Harry sighed and stopped scratching his arms. There were no marks on his skin due to the spell. He really needed to cut. It was too much emotion and pain all in one morning.

"I just need to be alone," Harry muttered.

Snape nodded before getting up from the bed. "I'll be in my potions lab if you need me."

Harry nodded, not looking at Snape as the professor left the room.

What am I going to do now? Harry thought.

With Snape gone, he took the chance to scratch harder, but he couldn't tear open his skin. Anger and frustration towards Snape raced through his veins. He hated Snape! Why did the Professor have to bring him here? Why did he have to bring Harry's hopes up with the promise that Remus was going to take Harry in and then shatter him with the truth? Remus was missing, another adult leaving. And Harry was left alone again.

I've informed the child about the missing whereabouts of his pet dog. He took it well, considering his emotional state. However, I'll be keeping a close eye on him. I'm going to take your request and keep him here for the summer.

Severus made the letter as vague as possible just in case it was intercepted. He rolled it up and tied it to the Hogwarts owl's leg.

"Take this to Albus Dumbledore. Do not let anyone else open it," Severus muttered before the owl took off.

As Severus made the long walk from the owlery back to his potions lab, he wondered about the possibilities of getting Potter to trust him. The talk he had with him didn't get through to the boy. He could still see Potter was unwilling to let him in and talk about his depression and the abuse. Maybe if they spent time out of the castle it would bring them closer together, like maybe a camping trip….

Severus remembered going camping with his dad as a young child, before his dad became abusive. They've always seemed to grow closer after each trip. It was one of those moments Severus would always cherish as a happy childhood memory.

This has to work, Severus thought. At this point, he'll try anything to get that child to open up. He wasn't going to let Potter continue to wallow in his depression. Potter was killing himself slowly and Severus was determined to prevent it.

Instead of going to his potions lab, Severus decided to go to his office and make plans for the trip. He had decided that the Forest of Dean would be his safest bet as long as he puts up wards around their camping site and spells to keep them hidden, it shouldn't be a problem. Severus just hoped Albus would agree to this.