Chapter Eight - Numb
Three more days until the full moon.
"Harry, Harry, he's gone… There's nothing we can do…nothing…" Remus cried out as he held Harry back. His cub was giving all he had to escape from him, but Remus was stronger. He held him…all he could do was hold him as he watched Sirius falling through the veil… And oh, how Remus just wanted to jump in after Sirius and pull him out. He wanted to so very much, but he knew… He knew it was too late. Bellatrix's killing curse was true, hitting its mark… And Remus' heart was shattering into a million pieces. With each piece containing every memory and feeling he's ever shared with his best friend…his boyfriend…the love of his life…his person… Everything was falling to pieces… And the cries coming out from Harry was exactly how Remus was feeling….
When he awoke, Remus was laying on his side, curled into himself from trying in vain to keep himself warm all night; he kept his eyes closed. The night had passed with a numbing cold that had seeped into his bones. The stone floor underneath left his bones to ache and his muscles sore from the tension of shivering all night. The straw scattered on the floor had irritated and stabbed him every time he would shift his position. The night was as unbearably cold as the day was unbearably hot.
With his eyes closed, Remus wasn't ready to face another day. He chased his nightmares away, the guilt, the pain, Harry…Sirius… And even when he was in between the blurry lines of waking and sleeping, Remus was able to remember to move with caution, because every wound and burn on his body would scream out in agony every time he did. Infection had settled sometime during the past few days, leaving his body hot and feverish. If there was any shred of hope left on escaping… It was all gone… There was no way Remus would ever be able to fight his way out. He could barely move.
It has been days…days and days….
Days of pain and fear….
Days of the cellar… Too hot during the day and too cold during the night…staring at the walls…the ceiling…at the tiny window above…the blue sky…the stars…and regretfully feeling all of his hope and his strength sapping away, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Days of pissing in that rusted tin in the corner… The humiliation of it… Refusing to shit in it for as long as he could until he couldn't anymore. And as the days passed with no food and barely enough water… Remus found that he didn't have to worry about that as much anymore. He found himself not really needing to. And the hunger, it clawed up his insides, but the thirst… The thirst was nothing compared to hunger. It burned his throat, made his voice raspy. His tongue was dry and swollen and his lips bloody and cracked.
And the nights… Nights that plagued him with nightmares of Sirius and Harry.
Harry… Remus wondered if he would ever see his cub again.
Remus was losing track of time… And his only hope now was to be found by the Order of the Phoenix… But even that was starting to dwindle…like a spark of flame dying out…Remus wasn't sure anymore how long he could hold on anymore….
And his only regret was Harry… Remus had left for this mission knowing the danger of it, knowing there was a chance of him possibly never coming back. To be a spy among the werewolf colonies…it was dangerous business. Dumbledore had warned him of that before Remus had set off…and he'd said he was okay with that… All of his friends…they were gone. The Marauders were dead and Remus was alone…he had nothing left keeping him on this earth… And so trapped and lost in his own darkness following the days after Sirius' death, Remus had forgotten Harry.
I left him alone… Now I might die and he'll never know how much I miss him, how much I worry for him, love him… And I left him… Would he ever forgive me for this? How could I have forgotten my cub?
Remus wondered what Harry was doing now, while Remus was rotting away in the cellar. Was Harry with his relatives right now, enjoying the summer break? Was he happy with them? He never seemed to enjoy going back to them every summer… Or was he at the Weasleys, spending the summer at the Burrow? Was he missing Sirius? Was he having nightmares about that night like Remus was? Was he working through his grief alone? Were the Weasleys helping him through it? So many questions that Remus feared he would never know the answers to…
I should be there helping him, and instead I've fucked up and landed myself here… I wanted to die… Now, I've gotten my wish and now…now Harry and I would never see each other again or even talk about Sirius… He'll never forgive me for this….
Does he know that I'm missing?
Remus remembered the night Sirius had fallen through the veil, how he was forced to hold Harry back from running after him. The gut-wrenching cries of grief and loss coming from his cub.
Oh…bloody hell, Merlin, I hope not!
Remus should've said goodbye at least… He should've stopped by to see him, but it was too late now… It was all too late… And now Remus was deeply afraid that they would never have the chance to see each other again….
Oh, Cub, I'm so sorry….
The voices of Death Eaters from above made Remus cringe. He didn't want them to come down here. He didn't know if he could take anymore torture and he broke out in a cold sweat at the thought of being subjugated under the Cruciatus Curse again, of being in the vicinity of silver again and feeling the nauseatingly burn of it against his skin.
His breathing became heavy and short with fear and panic, Remus tried to calm himself down, tried to inhale and let go… Deep, slow breaths... He didn't want to show his fear to them.
On the third inhale, he stopped abruptly with a gasp, almost causing him to choke on his saliva. What had Remus so shook was the sudden scent he'd picked up. It was subtle, but it was there… Sirius?
And suddenly, before Remus could even think about it, memories began to flash before his eyes as if he'd somehow fallen into a pensieve. Memories of him and his friends at school…when he'd first laid eyes on Sirius... It was so sudden and so strong, that Remus didn't have time to realize what had happened.
.
.
"Be good now, Remus," his mother said in a teary voice as she kissed Remus' head. "Remember to focus on your studies and keep to yourself. Please mind what your father told you last night, of not letting anyone find out what you are."
Remus sighed, "I know, mum." In other words, he wasn't allowed to make any friends, for fear they might figure out what Remus really was. He tried not to be too upset with his mom's words. She was only repeating the long lecture his father had given him last night.
"Why couldn't dad come with us? He didn't even say goodbye before we left."
"I'm sorry, dear, but he had to go to the Ministry this morning. It was very urgent."
Remus saw the guilt in her eyes. He knew his dad didn't want to say goodbye. Ever since he was bitten, their relationship had been strained. The only time he talked to Remus was only to lecture him. Still, that didn't stop him from trying to make his dad proud.
He'll see… Remus thought to himself. One day dad will be proud, and he'll see me as me….
Remus let himself believe that… He had to, because deep down inside, he knew his dad would never be proud of him as long as Remus had the wolf inside of him. He'll never only see him as just Remus…his son…but just a boy…a stranger posing as his son with a monster attached to his soul.
The train whistled, alerting the Hogwarts students that they should all be boarding now.
"Come on, dear, up you get!" Remus' mother shouted as she helped him onto the train platform. "I'll write to you tonight!" she shouted as the train began to move, taking up speed in the billowing smoke. Remus waved goodbye to her until they were out of the station.
Excitement fluttered in Remus' stomach, and his heart raced in anticipation. Remus knew once he got off this train, his life was going to change forever. Remus was on his way to Hogwarts.
Remus dragged his trunk along the corridor and into an empty compartment. He lifted it up onto the shelves and sat down. He figured he might as well take a nap since he didn't expect anyone to come in, plus so he could avoid having to talk to other students. Remus was just drifting off to sleep when his compartment door slammed open. He opened his eyes to see a red-headed girl walking in. Tear tracks were covering her cheeks.
"Do you mind me sitting here?" she asked.
So much in shock Remus was from the sudden intrusion, before he could stop himself, he shook his head and blurted out, "No, go ahead. I don't mind."
Alarms in the sound of his father's voice were going off in Remus' head. He should've said no!
"I'm Lily Evans," the girl said.
Remus just gaped at her, he was at a loss for words. He didn't know what to do. He hadn't even reached Hogwarts yet, and already he was breaking his promise to his dad.
"And you are?" Lily asked, breaking the awkward silence. Remus cleared his throat. He mentally berated himself for looking like an idiot.
"I'm Remus Lupin." And wondering what caused Lily to be so upset, Remus then asked, "Why were you crying?"
"Oh, it's nothing…" Lily shrugged as she wiped her eyes.
Remus nodded, deciding not to press the girl anymore. He didn't want to think they were going to be friends or anything. So Remus decided to pull out one of his textbooks and read, since another awkward silence was starting to form between the two.
"What are you reading?" Lily asked.
"The textbook assigned for Defense Against the Dark Arts, I've figured I should get prepared by reading all the textbooks before term starts. That way I won't be so lost on my first day," Remus answered. He couldn't stop himself. What was wrong with him? His father had ordered Remus to keep to himself, and here he was, talking to a student.
Lily smiled. "I thought of the same thing too! I've actually just finished them. I guess both of us won't be lost on our first day. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's thought of that idea."
Remus smiled. "I'm glad too." And the barriers his dad made him put up, broke.
They spent the whole train ride getting to know each other and asking each other questions about their families, which subjects at Hogwarts they were most excited to learn about, and the houses they thought they were going to get sorted into.
Remus was sure he was going to get into Ravenclaw, since his father had been in that house. He also loved reading and learning. So, there was no doubt in his mind that Ravenclaw would be his house.
Lily also liked the idea of Ravenclaw, she was pretty smart herself. Since she came from both muggle parents, she had no clue to what house she would be in. Remus silently hoped she would get into Ravenclaw with him, if he ended up there.
And as time went on with Lily Evans as company, Remus began to realize that he did not want to start off at Hogwarts alone. It was nice to have someone by his side. Remus was happy they met, despite him going against his father's wishes.
Dad, how can I follow your rules? How can anyone not make friends, and expect to be alone for seven years? Remus said to himself.
Remus made a compromise with himself. Lily would be the only exception to his not letting anyone get too close to him rule.
"I'm starving. When is the lunch cart coming?" Lily suddenly asked, interrupting their conversation on Charms.
"I can go and look if you want," Remus offered.
"That'll be great, thanks, Rem."
Remus smiled at her silly nickname for him before he opened the compartment door. He walked along the hallway, catching snippets of conversations. Remus didn't see the lunch cart anywhere, so he figured he should just ask someone. He stuck his head in a compartment. Inside were two boys laughing their heads off.
"Uh, excuse me?" Remus cleared his throat to get their attention. "Do you know when the lunch cart gets here?"
"The lunch cart? We were actually thinking of the same thing," a boy with messy jet-black hair and round glasses replied. "I'm starving! What about you, mate?"
Remus turned his head to the other boy with long dark hair and blue eyes. "I hope it comes soon. I'm so hungry, I bloody swear I can eat a hippogriff!" the second boy announced. "Sorry, kid, we're first years just like you, we don't know when it's coming."
"Okay then. Sorry for bothering you," Remus said. He was about to try another compartment when the first boy called out, "Hey, come sit with us for a while!"
"Um, okay," Remus said. He came back inside the compartment and sat down.
"What's your name?" the first boy said.
"Remus Lupin, my dad works in the Ministry."
"My dad does too," the boy smiled. "I'm James Potter, by the way, and this is Sirius." James gestured towards the other boy who grinned, tufts of black hair falling into his blue eyes.
"Hello," Remus greeted. "What does your dad do?" he asked Sirius.
"He also works at the Ministry," Sirius shrugged. "Hey, what house do you think you'll be in?"
Remus had the feeling that Sirius was just changing the subject. Remus wondered what Sirius' dad really did at the Ministry, and why both boys seemed to be hiding his last name. Remus shrugged, he figured he would find out sooner or later.
And still determined to follow his dad's rules, the very first night in their dormitory, the first thing Remus had done was push the first year boys away. James, Sirius and Peter tried everything to include him, but he isolated himself by always studying and hiding from them. It came to the point where there was always tension and awkwardness whenever Remus was in the dormitory alone with them. After weeks of trying, James, Sirius and Peter gave up and ignored Remus, as if he weren't there, as if there were only three first year Gryffindor boys.
One day, Peter Pettigrew was in danger of failing his Transfiguration midterm. Professor McGonagall requested that Peter had to get help or he was going to have to repeat the first year. James and Sirius had done everything they could to help their friend, but the information wouldn't sink into Peter's brain.
Taking pity on the small boy, Remus offered to help.
Peter understood Remus' teaching methods right away. It was actually quite amazing! Remus found out that Peter was more of a hands-on-learner. He conjured up charts and demonstrations, flashcards, anything that would help. Peter eventually passed his test with an Acceptable.
James, Sirius, and Peter were so happy and grateful that they practically forced Remus into their clique. They got over the awkwardness and tension Remus created between them. However, Remus refused the offer. He ignored them, pushed them away, he tried everything, but it was impossible! Remus couldn't get rid of them! Sirius was so stubborn to take no for an answer, Remus eventually relented and became friends with them.
.
.
A shout from outside carried through the small window brought Remus back to reality, shivering as he covered his sweaty face with the palms of his hands. That felt so real… So real to the point that for a second there… For just a second, he'd really thought he was eleven years old again.
Remus kept his eyes closed, wanting to go back.
Please…please…let me get lost in them again…whatever is happening…I don't care….
And Sirius' scent washed over him….
Remus felt his mind being pulled back to his precious memories, felt himself fall into them as if he were falling asleep and into dreams of him and his friends at school and all the mischief they had gotten themselves into throughout their school years. Memories of Sirius, his scent all around him, giving him butterflies, reminding Remus the first time he'd felt them flutter for Sirius Black.
.
.
It was the beginning of fifth year, after a really tough full-moon… Remus groaned at the headache behind his eyes. Every muscle protested as he lifted his arm to his head.
"He's awake," Remus heard a voice whisper. There was a scuffling sound.
"Moony?" another voice asked.
"Shh! Let him wake up on his own, Padfoot!" the first voice chastised the other.
"But he's waking up!"
"Do you think he'll mind if I eat one of his chocolate frogs?" a third voice asked.
"Wormtail, you've known Moony long enough to not eat his chocolate!" the second voice mocked in horror. "If you eat one, we're going to have an angry teen werewolf on our hands!"
"Hey, you know how animals aren't supposed to eat chocolate?" the first boy said. "If Remus was Moony during the full-moon, and we gave him chocolate... Will that make him sick? Even if he's human most of the time?"
"Maybe we should try it on you in your animagus form, Prongs. Let's see if you get sick from chocolate."
There was more scuffling. Feeling annoyed, Remus opened his eyes to see James throwing pillows at Sirius.
"What are you guys doing?" Remus muttered in annoyance, his voice cracking with exhaustion. Feeling cold, Remus pulled his blanket closer to him.
"Waiting for you to wake up," Peter said.
James and Sirius stopped their scuffling and sat back down.
"How do you feel?" Sirius asked in a concerned voice.
"Fine… I've felt worse." Remus noticed how Sirius was looking at him with a concerned expression. He felt himself reddened at his friend's pity. And Remus wished he was alone as he curled himself deeper into his bed. "I'm really tired… Can you just…can you guys just come back later?"
"Remus, we're here for you," James said, his voice full of that dreadful pity and concern, which Remus always found annoying. He didn't want them to think he was pathetic and weak!
Remus turned over so his back was to them.
James sighed. "Come on, let's let him rest, lads."
Sirius muttered agreement, and all three of Remus' friends left the hospital wing.
.
.
That night Remus dreamed that he was the wolf. He was Moony, running through the forest. The scent of deer and blood was thick in the air. He lifted his muzzle, inhaled deeply and howled at the moon. Remus then followed the scent trail through the snowy forest, running faster and faster. His lips were drawn back into a snarl as Remus spotted his prey. The deer he was hunting was a stag, majestic, young, and powerful. It ran away, leading Remus through the wilderness until he was able to catch up to it.
Remus jumped on the stag's back and bit down hard. The stag let out an agonized sound. Remus bit down harder. Blood flooded his mouth. He moaned in pleasure at the taste of its flesh, the salty warmth of its blood flowing out. The stag began to slow down, until it finally fell to the ground. Remus chewed on the meat, growling and snarling. The hunt had accelerated him, his muscles itched at another run, to feel the wind in his fur, to taste the scent of fear in the air. He howled soulfully at the full-moon. As if it were responding, the moon casted a beam of light down on Remus and his prey as it suddenly changed into a boy.
Remus looked at the boy in shock.
It was a stag! He had hunted the stag! What happened? How could this be?
Panic surged through him, making his heart race as Remus looked closely at the boy's face. He suddenly recognized the jet-black hair and round glasses.
Remus screamed. He screamed and screamed. Remus' voice echoed in the trees, but there was no one around to hear him. Then he realized: How can I be screaming in my human voice? I'm in my wolf form!
"Remus!" a voice shouted.
"Nooooo!" Remus shouted. "Get away from me!"
Whoever it was, he didn't want to hurt that person! Remus didn't want to kill another innocent being. He had to save them from himself, from the monster Remus held within.
"Moony, wake up! It's me! Wake up!"
Rough hands grabbed him by his shoulders. Remus squirmed away as he opened his eyes to the dark hospital wing.
It was Sirius who was holding him. The invisibility cloak was on the floor.
It was only a dream… Merlin, it was only a dream….
Remus' whole body shook. Wiping the cold sweat off of his forehead, Remus tried to stop the tears from flowing. He didn't want Sirius or anyone for that matter, to see him cry. But the dream felt so real! It had hit too close to home for Remus, because that was one of his greatest fears. His friends dying because of him, because of what he was… A monster.
"Moony, don't cry," Sirius said soothingly as he wrapped his arms around Remus. It was normal for Sirius to give giant bear-hugs. He was known for them, along with his boisterous laugh.
"I killed James," Remus cried.
"You what?" Sirius looked at him before realizing what Remus meant. "No, Moony, no you didn't. It was only a dream. I just saw Jamesie a while ago. He's in the dormitory sleeping."
"I killed him, Sirius. I killed him!" Remus was hysterical at this point. "I'm a monster! I don't deserve to live. I don't deserve anything!"
"It was just a dream," Sirius said. He looked at Remus and wiped his tears away. "It was only a dream. It wasn't real. I'm right here with you, Moony. I'm right here...so, please stop crying... You're okay..."
Remus sobbed harder for a few moments. He couldn't stop now that he'd started. "I'm a monster, Sirius. I'm a fucking evil monster! Why are you here? Why do you, James and Peter even care about me? Why do you guys bother with me? I'm not like you guys!"
"Remus John Lupin! You are not a fucking monster!" Sirius shouted. "Don't you ever call yourself that! James and I tell you every day that you're our best friend! You are smart, caring, kind and brave. You're our Moony! Why do you think we've fought so hard against all of your protests to become friends with you in the first year? You're the glue that holds us all together!"
Remus' sobs toned down. Despite all that Sirius was saying, Remus couldn't help but still think, why? Why would they want to be friends with him?
"I'm a monster, Sirius! I can kill any of you when I'm in my wolf form!"
"And when I'm in my animagus form, I can kill the next person that walks in through that door! I see no difference at all between Padfoot and Moony. They are both powerful animals."
"There is a difference! Stop trying to make me feel better by pretending that you don't see it! There is a big fucking difference, and you bloody well know it!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius shrugged, and Remus had the feeling that wasn't true.
"You still have your mind!" Remus said impatiently. He was tired, frustrated and shaking uncontrollably from his nightmare. "I do not because I turn into a complete beast! It's in me, Sirius!" Remus pressed his bandaged hand to his chest. "Every day I have to fight with it and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of having to stay in control of my emotions, because if I let go, if I lose control of my emotions, the wolf comes out. He will take over. He's a part of me. He's in my blood, in my heart, and that makes me a monster as much as the wolf is during the full-moon."
"No, I do not believe that at all. Because it's your blood that runs in your veins and it's your heart that beats in your chest. Not the wolf. I see you for you, Remus, and I know you're tired of fighting. I know that sometimes you feel like letting go, but you don't. You'll always find the strength to go on and fight, because you're you. You are Remus Lupin, the kindest person I've ever met. I've met the worst people with monstrous tendencies, and believe me, you don't have an ounce of evil in you. You are no more of a monster than a fucking puppy!"
Remus wiped his tears away. He was sort of convinced, but not really. He would just let himself believe that he wasn't a monster, and the wolf inside was just a wolf, not a beast. Remus would only do it for Sirius.
"Okay, Sirius…" Remus whispered. He tore himself away from his friend's embrace. Sitting down now, he fidgeted with his blanket. Remus was embarrassed for the things he'd said, for the tears he'd cried. He couldn't believe he'd let Sirius see his meltdown. The wolf inside Remus howled in rage. It wasn't liking the despair Remus was feeling. It was agitated. Remus closed his eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. The wolf was at the surface of his consciousness. It was fighting for control. Clutching the blanket tightly, Remus tried to control his emotions. He had to calm down….
"Remus, look at me…" Sirius whispered.
Remus' cheeks turned red. He didn't want to. The wolf's golden eyes were showing in his own. He could feel the wolf's angry growl in his throat, but he forced it away. He didn't want Sirius to see the evidence of the monster inside him.
"Moony, please…."
When Remus didn't respond, Sirius gently lifted his chin. Forcing Remus to look up at him. Remus' golden-turned eyes glinted in the moonlight. He waited for Sirius to gasp in fear. His friends had seen Remus in werewolf form, however, he always made sure they never saw the evidence of the wolf during the time it wasn't a full-moon. This was the first time Sirius was witnessing Remus fight for control over his own body and spirit. This was the first time Sirius saw those golden eyes during a normal night, a night that wasn't a full-moon.
Sirius did not gasp in fear or disgust. His blue eyes shone with nothing but warmth and care for his friend. He brushed Remus' hair away from his eyes.
"That color actually suits you." Sirius smiled his crooked smile.
Feeling relieved, Remus playfully smirked at his friend. For some reason his breathing had quickened due to his suddenly racing heart. Remus didn't understand what was going on. Why the simple touch Sirius gave Remus suddenly filled his stomach with butterflies...
Suddenly sounds were heard from Madam Pomfrey's office. Quick as a flash, Sirius was under the invisibility cloak. Madam Pomfrey entered the room.
"I've heard noises, Remus," the matron said, full of concern. "Are you okay? Was that you talking to someone?"
Remus shook his head as Madam Pomfrey fussed over him. He saw the hospital wing door open and shut gently over the matron's shoulder. The warmth Remus felt faded, and the ghost of Sirius' touch tingled on his skin.
.
.
The door slammed open, shocking Remus out of his memories as if he'd pulled his head abruptly out of a pensieve. And for a moment, he didn't know where he was. Sirius' scent was still around him, yet it was fading away. Remus kept his eyes closed, trying to savor the comforting scent, the warmth of Sirius' touch in his memory, but it was hopeless. It was all fading away like smoke, until there was nothing left… A ghost of the love and warmth Remus had felt… And he began to realize where he was… The werewolf camp in the middle of nowhere… Greyback… The cellar….
"Get up, werewolf!" Avery demanded. He kicked Remus in his swollen ribs. Remus opened his eyes, gasping out loud from the fire that went through his rib cage and for a second, Remus couldn't breathe. Avery prepared himself for another kick but just in time, Remus rolled away and pushed himself up on his hands and knees, gasping for breath from the effort. His stomach was churning unpleasantly, causing bile to rise up in his throat. Remus swallowed, forcing it back down.
"Get on your feet!" Avery snarled again. The Death Eater attached the silver collar and handcuffs around Remus' neck and wrists. Remus grunted out his pain through gritted teeth, droplets of sweat rolling down his face. Remus didn't scream, he wouldn't give the Death Eater that satisfaction. And it was so hard to follow that one simple order. The scent of his burned and infected flesh was all he could smell, the pain was beginning to feel unbearable with each movement as Remus stood himself up. Black spots danced around his vision and he felt himself sway dizzily. Before Remus knew it, he was on his hands and knees again.
"Come on, wolf! We don't have time for this! Get up! Greyback is waiting for you!"
Remus slowly stood back up, but after a few small steps forward, his knees buckled and he was on the floor again, his body racked with dry-heaving coughs. Remus opened his eyes and was startled to see drops of blood scattered on the stone floor. The room began to sway. On his hands and knees again, Remus hung his head down, tangled and dirty hair covering his eyes as he fought back a sudden wave of nausea and pain.
Avery growled with annoyance and impatience as he pulled Remus back to his feet, lending him support. And Remus hated himself for accepting the help… Hated that he had to rely on the Death Eater to walk.
But then what was even the point anymore?
Every ounce of Remus' dignity had been taken. Remus' belief as himself being a human was all shattered as soon as he'd hurt Randy. Everything, his humanity and his worth, was all just torn to shreds that day… And Remus found himself accepting it, accepting that he was a monster, just like Greyback… So what was the point now? What was the point of holding on to being human… Everything that had existed outside this camp meant nothing anymore. It was like Remus was stuck in this bubble, away from his life, away from who he truly was, and nothing mattered anymore… Nothing… Except to try and survive… But did he want to survive? Wasn't that the reason why he'd accepted this mission in the first place? Because of the danger, because of the possibility of dying on it… And Remus could be with his dear friends again… His pack….
But what about Harry? A voice whispered in his head.
He's better off without me, Remus snarled back, causing Avery to glance fearfully at him.
Avery led him out into the training area and threw him down at Greyback's feet. Remus stayed on his knees, head bowed down, not daring to say anything to provoke an attack.
"Well, what do we have here?" Greyback laughed coldly. The werewolf pointed his wand at Remus.
"Don't you look worse for wear? It hardly seems fair to let the cubs fight you in this pitiful condition, doesn't it? But you know, son, war… is… never… fair… Crucio!"
Remus screamed in agony, his limbs twitched and his body convulsed. He could hear the werewolf kids as they gathered around him. He could hear them laughing, as if it were normal to see someone in this much pain. Remus felt his heart constrict tightly at the sound.
They are only children, and that bastard corrupted them!
Remus growled in anger once the spell was lifted. Mustering all of his strength, he threw himself at Greyback who shouted again, "Crucio!"
Remus fell on his hands and knees once more, gritting his teeth in pain. Once he couldn't take it anymore, he fell to the ground. Everything hurts! Remus felt detached from his own body, his own mind…and the only thing that existed was that unimaginable pain….
The spell lifted, Remus was breathing heavily. The sun was shining down on him, bright and hot, irritating his wounds.
"Bring several bottles of Pain Potions. I need the wolf to be able to stand at least today," Greyback growled. "You disgust me, Remus. You're so weak and pampered by that fool you call a headmaster, look where that's got you!"
Dolohov came back and forced a bottle of Pain Potion down his throat. Dolohov then uncorked a second one.
Why are they giving me another bottle? It's dangerous to overdose… Unless….
Remus realized what they were going to do. They were going to overdose him on Pain Potion until everything was numb. They were going to drug him, forcing Remus to forget himself. It was so he could properly fight the kids!
Remus gave every bit of strength he had. He cemented his lips shut. He kicked them and twisted his head from side to side. Fear shot through his heart, making his eyesight blurry. Hot tears streamed down his cheeks, leaving streaks through the dirt caked onto his skin. And he let out an angry and guttural growl in his throat.
But unfortunately Remus' body could only take so much.
With an infected bite-wound on his shoulder, infected burns on his neck and wrists, broken ribs, fever, starvation, dehydration, and the lingering effects in his nerves from the Cruciatus Curse, Remus lost his fight. He let fear take over him as he began to hyperventilate.
It was too much…too much had been taken away from him.
And now, they were taking away his mind.
The Death Eaters wrenched his lips apart. Pain, sharp and sudden, shot through from his jaw as they poured Pain Potion after Pain Potion down his throat, until Remus' mind became fuzzy and numb….
And he felt himself floating. He felt himself losing something… He felt himself forgetting… Slipping away…
.
.
What was he doing here? How did he get here? Where was he? Who were these people standing over him, pinning him down to the earth? And the sun…the sun was so bright… It was so hot… And that stench? Was it coming from him?
"Throw him inside the fence!" A grizzled man with red eyes growled.
Two men with heavy dark cloaks and silver masks lifted him up, his feet dragging in the dirt. Remus wondered where they were taking him. He wondered why he felt so numb and why the grizzled man with the red eyes was smiling evilly at him. They tossed him inside the gate, locking the door behind them. Remus looked at them in confusion. This seemed familiar, as if he'd been thrown in here before.
A loud growl rang throughout the clearing. Remus turned around to see a muscular, dark-skinned boy with red-tinted golden eyes, crouching into a predatory position. He couldn't understand why the kid was so hostile. He wondered if he'd done anything to offend the boy.
The boy was obviously looking for a fight, Remus glared at him. Something inside him was telling him that he shouldn't fight, that he should only defend himself. But why? Burned in his mind. Where was he? Remus could remember his name. He could remember going to school at Hogwarts, but he couldn't remember who he was or why he was here, or if he had any friends or family.
The kid growled again and stalked towards Remus, looking more like an animal than human.
Stay in defensive mode. You'll be alright, a familiar voice rang in Remus' mind.
Even though Remus was confused and his memories were hazy, he seemed to know that piece of advice was somehow important. So, that was what he did. Remus went into defensive mode, doubting this was going to work.
The dark-skinned boy jumped at Remus with a growl, tearing open a wound on his shoulder he didn't know he had. Remus growled and threw him off.
Something inside Remus howled to be let out. Shock suddenly distracted him, Remus didn't know what that feeling was. The boy kicked him to the ground. Remus rolled over and jumped back onto his feet. Blood was dripping down his arm. Again, the feeling of something howling and forcing its way out of his very soul alerted Remus.
Something is wrong… There is something inside of me….
Just hold on, Remus! The voice rang louder in his head... Hold on! Don't let it take over!
Remus had no idea what that was. Why he felt like howling, why he felt like he should be tearing his enemy apart. The boy jumped on him again, knocking him to the ground and biting his leg. Remus screamed in anger. The thing inside him also screamed and howled. The anger and predatory instincts were becoming stronger. He suddenly wanted blood. He suddenly wanted to attack and kill.
Remus was losing control of whatever it was, and unable to fight those instincts back, he let go of the unknown beast within him….
.
.
Sirius is your best friend! You can't be feeling anything for him! Your heart can't be racing every time he so much as looks at you! Remus internally berated himself.
A month had gone by since that night of Remus' nightmare in the hospital wing. Tonight, in fact, was the full-moon. Remus was sitting in the Shrieking Shack with the moon beginning to rise. He could feel the soul of the wolf taking over his own.
Remus tried to distract himself from the pain, from the fear of the injuries he was going to wake up to. However, distracting thoughts had led to Sirius. Remus' thoughts always led to his friend these days….
No! Don't think about Sirius! He's your friend! Remus berated himself again. He sighed in frustration. Anymore of this mental arguing with himself was going to drive him mad. Well…even more madder, since all Remus could do was think about Sirius. Lately, Remus found himself not being able to read or concentrate on homework because of his fancy for Sirius. Luckily, the Marauders all thought it was due to the approaching full-moon. But if they only knew….
Remus wasn't sure if they would be as accepting to him as they once were when they'd found out he was a werewolf. Once they realized that he was not only gay, but had a crush on Sirius, then Remus was sure they would laugh before kicking him out of their circle, and Sirius would probably be too weirded out to even be in the same room with him...
No, that couldn't happen... Remus must never tell them. And learn to live with the torture of being around Sirius, without him knowing what Remus was feeling every time he would look at him or smile at him.
Remus suddenly arched his back, and let out a howl of agony as bones began to break and reconstruct into the wolf. Fur began to grow through his pores, and Remus' eyes were completely golden….
.
.
Soft sheets and blankets surrounded Remus, the clean smell of the hospital wing was the first thing he'd noticed, followed by the soft whispering of his friends.
Remus opened his eyes to see Sirius and James, before exhaustion quickly took over. He felt someone squeeze his hand and whispered, "Remus…"
Stay with me, Sirius… was the last thing Remus could think of before he lost himself in the deep slumber of sleep.
.
.
"Sirius…" Remus mumbled. His head was on fire and so was his entire body, but what was new? He just wanted the pain to end.
Just hold on, Moony...
"Don't try to move," a voice whispered.
Remus flinched at the voices. Fear took over his mind and he began to struggle away from them.
"No, Remus, you have to be quiet. Please!" the voice whispered.
Remus didn't recognize the second voice. He didn't know where he was, and his mind was still numb. He couldn't remember why.
"Remus, it's me, Kaylie. You're going to be okay." Gentle hands held down his shoulders.
A young girl appeared in his line of vision.
Kaylie? The name sounded familiar….
"You've overdosed with Pain Potion and you're still under the effects. The pain is slowly returning to your body, although your mind will be numb for a few days, but I'm here, Remus. I'm here for you. You're going to be okay. You just have to be quiet or they'll find me here."
Remus could only breath heavily, lost in his pain and fear.
"Here, Remus, drink this, come on..." She pressed the spout of a canteen to his lips, tilting the edge, allowing cool water to flow into Remus' mouth. Remus drank as much as he could until he started coughing it back up. He had a strange iron taste in his mouth and he smelled blood.
Tears welled up in Kaylie's blue eyes. Once his coughs subsided, Remus frowned and weakly raised his hand up to her cheek, so he could wipe the tears away.
"I need Sirius," Remus muttered. He didn't know why that name was so important or who it even belonged to, but Remus knew with a burning passion in his heart that he needed that person.
"I know," Kaylie grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "But he isn't here right now. You have me, I'll be here with you."
Moony….
Remus could see her crying now. He wondered why she was shedding tears for him. What had happened before he'd ended up here? Where was he? Why was everything so dark and so cold and so warm? Before Remus could ask those questions, the darkness took hold of him once more with the echoes of children screaming in his ears and the taste of blood lingering in his mouth…and a voice in his head paired with a strange, yet familiar scent… A voice that kept whispering for Remus to hold on….
Review Responses! =D
Jamage: Hello! Thank you so much for the compliment, I'm glad you liked it.
oldminnie: I'll try my best to upload every weekend ;) thank you!
Dailey2008Jon: Yes exactly! I'm glad to know that someone agrees! You know, grammar really doesn't bother me when I read fanfic stories, unless it's really, really, horribly bad, but it doesn't have to be completely perfect. We are all human lol. Thank you so much for enjoying my story and I hope you and your kids enjoy your summer also.
Lupinesence: lol I know…. I'm guessing you probably didn't like this cliffhanger also. I know… I'm evil haha =) The beginning of the story is going to be very tough for Harry, but he is going to have to go through a lot emotions if he is ever going to except Severus and truly be happy in the end…sometimes it kills me to write sad stuff happening to the characters in my story but it has to be done. I have no idea how J.K. Rowling managed to kill off her characters without feeling depressed afterwards!
Caraline Fisher: I do too! :'D
t42n24t2: Thank you, I was hoping for all of that tension between them. If this actually happened in the Harry Potter saga, I think the tension would probably be a lot worst between Harry and Snape, and they would probably just end up hexing each other, lol