Chapter Nine - Proximity
Day One
Harry was standing in front of the Mirror of Erised. He was eleven years old again, small, innocent and naïve to the dangers of Voldemort. His mother's face was smiling down at him. Her bright-green eyes, so much like her son's, were glittering with unshed tears. Harry reached up and pressed his hand to the glass. His heart wrenched with a fierce-like pain of longing for the family he'd lost….
"Potter, wake up."
Someone shook Harry awake, pulling him away from his dream, away from his mother.
"Wake up now, it's time you get ready," Snape sternly said.
Harry opened his eyes. Snape turned on his lantern, casting shadows in his room.
Harry groaned as he remembered why Snape was waking him up so early. He pulled his blanket over his head.
"Do we have to go?" Harry whined.
It was unusual for Harry to whine like a child, but he was so tired. He still felt emotionally drained from the night before. Memories of their argument flashed in his mind, embarrassment filled his chest. Why did he say those things to Snape? And he cried! Dammit! Snape was probably thinking he was a pathetic, mental nutcase!
"Enough of that insolent whining! Get up! I will not tolerate you wasting time this morning!"
Snape spelled away Harry's warm blankets and pillows, leaving him shivering on the bed.
"Hey!"
Snape gave him a cold glare. Making Harry realize that maybe it was best to not say anything at all and just get dressed.
"I expect you to be ready in twenty minutes!" Snape ordered impatiently.
Twenty minutes later, Harry was jogging along next to Snape with his rucksack strapped to his back. They were walking down the many corridors of Hogwarts, on their way to the main entrance.
"Sir?" Harry dared to ask.
Since the whole time they were walking, Snape was completely silent. As always, the Potions Professor seemed to be in a foul mood in the early morning hours. Also, because of what happened last night, Harry was afraid to talk to him or even make a little noise. But he had so many questions about the stupid camping trip. Harry couldn't help himself. He at least had the right to know details about the trip. Especially since Harry was forced to get up so early.
Harry was also surprised that he didn't have a nightmare last night. In fact, he didn't really dream at all. Until he'd dreamed of his parents in the mirror, right before Snape woke him.
Maybe the closing my mind before bed thing is working….
"If you have a question, then spit it out, boy!"
Harry flinched at the word boy. He was vividly reminded of Uncle Vernon shouting at him. His uncle's face, an ugly purple color, and his grip on Harry so tight, it hurt.
Harry felt himself trembling. Snape isn't Uncle Vernon… He isn't my uncle. He's my professor…. They aren't the same person….
Harry repeated those words to himself a few times before he answered to Snape.
"I...I...just wanted to know..." But the questions Harry had, slipped away during his brief moment of panic. He shook his head and said, "Never mind, sir."
Snape narrowed his eyes at Harry for a second before he carried on walking.
"Stop wasting time and get a move on," the professor growled.
Harry sighed, wondering what he'd gotten himself into.
It wasn't long until they reached the entrance and trekked their way through the grounds, all the way to the gates of the school. Still afraid to ask questions, Harry assumed they were going to Apparate or take a portkey to the campsite.
"Grab onto my arm, Potter," Snape ordered, once they were a good distance away from Hogwarts.
Finally summoning up some Gryffindor courage, Harry asked, "Where are we going, sir?" As he grabbed onto the professor's sleeve.
"You'll see when we get there. It's not safe to say the location here. We can't risk being followed."
"Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean what if they track us?"
Snape didn't answer Harry's last question, he Disapparated with a loud pop. Harry felt his insides squeeze together. His chest tightened, constraining the air in his lungs. It was like he was going down on a long, steep, dive while playing Quidditch. The dive was so steep, and so fast, to the point where he was forced to hold his breath. Harry closed his eyes in discomfort, waiting for the feeling to pass.
"You can open your eyes now."
Harry opened them and gaped. They were in a forest and by the looks of it, they were in pretty deep. Harry watched as Snape right away began enchanting spells around them, until Harry could see a rather large, dome-like shape, surrounding them.
Once Snape was done, he pulled out several small parcels from his pocket and resized them.
"From this moment on," Snape said as he stood next to Harry. "We're both going to promise each other that we are not to use magic."
"But why, sir? What if someone breaks through your barriers?"
"Do you not trust my power in shields and barriers?"
"You never know..." Harry only muttered.
"That's why I'm still going to have my wand on me, but I'm not using magic for common household things as we camp. The only times we'll use magic is when we're practicing dueling, Occlumency, or you're working on your homework."
"So, you're still not giving back my wand?"
Snape snapped in response, "You know exactly what to do if you want it back!"
Scowling, Harry didn't say anything in return. He did know. But the problem was, Snape was asking for the impossible from him. Harry then realized another thing... Snape had mentioned homework?!
"Wait… I'm still doing homework? I've finished it!"
"Yes, I know you did. I even checked over it. However, I was displeased to find that it wasn't your very best, Potter. Especially, your Potions assignments. I'm surprised you've made it to sixth year with those atrocious marks of yours! Worst than Longbottom, honestly!"
"I thought you promised you'd stop criticizing me!"
"I'm not criticizing you. I'm criticizing your marks in your classes because I know you can do better, especially in Potions!"
Harry groaned. "Are you going to be tutoring me in Potions as well on this trip?"
"You've guessed correctly."
Harry sighed in disappointment. He wished he was back in his room. Not out in the middle of the freaking woods with this snarky Potions Professor! For the millionth time, Harry wished Ron and Hermione were with him.
"Can I still send letters to my friends?"
"No, you cannot. Someone can track your owl over here. You're going to have to wait until we're back at Hogwarts."
Disappointment sank into Harry's stomach. He missed his friends. It would've been great if they were here with him because if they were, this trip would've actually been fun.
"Stop sulking and help me set up camp," Snape said as he began to open up the tent.
"Where exactly are we, sir?" Harry asked once again, as he began to help Snape. He grabbed the opposite ends of the tent and laid it out.
"Make sure there are no rocks in the bottom! Merlin, if I get stabbed in my sleep!"
Harry couldn't help but laugh, momentarily forgetting about his question.
"What are you laughing at, Potter?"
"It's just strange… Like, you've always been this strict professor to me, and now you're talking normally to me, like getting stabbed from rocks in your sleep for instance."
Snape snorted. "Just make sure there are no rocks in the bottom!"
"Okay...okay… No, there's nothing!"
After they laid down the tent, Snape showed Harry how to peg the ends of it into the ground. As Harry worked, the professor began to set up the campfire, then the food on the old wooden picnic bench.
Once everything was set up, Harry sat on one of the logs near the small campfire. It was now almost six in the morning, and he was shivering from the morning chill. Snape sat next to Harry, passing a plate of scrambled eggs that he'd cooked on the grill.
"Eat up, Potter. After this, we're hiking to see the sunrise."
"Do we have to? I mean, I think I'll rather go back to sleep," Harry yawned.
"Where is your sense of adventure? And don't tell me you don't have any, after all the adventures you've got into the past five years at Hogwarts."
"I'm surprised you're even calling it adventures. You normally call it…rule breaking," Harry answered in between bites.
"I'm trying to be civil here and you're not making it easy, Potter," Snape snapped in annoyance. Yet, Harry could see the amusement in his black eyes as he sipped his coffee.
Before Harry knew it, Snape was leading him up a long, steep, winding path up a slope. He had no idea how far they'd been walking or where they were even going, probably somewhere high enough to see the sunrise. The long hike had warmed Harry up, but the hill was so steep he had to stop every ten minutes. Until after the fourth stop, Snape handed him a peach from a small black bag he was carrying.
"I'm not very hungry, sir. Can I just have some water?" Harry asked as he bent over and put his hands on his knees.
This hike isn't worth the sunrise, Harry bitterly thought.
"No, water will make you sick. You can have some when we reach the top. Hang in there, Potter, we're almost there. The peach is for your low blood sugar. I don't want you getting sick. Just take a couple of bites."
"Okay, fine," Harry muttered, before he took several bites.
Snape then walked ahead. Harry was feeling so tired. His muscles ached and his chest hurt. He couldn't believe he was this out of shape. He was fine just a month ago! But then, Harry realized he hadn't been doing much exercise at the Dursleys or in Snape's quarters. And he barely started eating regularly, thanks to Snape who started monitoring his food intake.
Harry took a couple of more bites and stopped walking. To his disbelief, Snape kept going at a brisk pace.
How is he bloody doing it? Merlin, I'm dying here!
Harry picked up a large branch that had fallen and used it as a hiking stick to help him catch up to the professor, who'd suddenly stopped.
Harry sighed in relief. Merlin, I made it!
"Stop dawdling, Potter!" Snape said as he sat down a foot away from the cliff face.
"I'm trying to breathe!" Harry shouted as he put all his weight on his trusty hiking stick, walking the last few feet up the slope.
"Hurry up, you're going to miss it!"
I can't figure out if he's more annoying in a good mood, like now, or when he's scowling and muttering at everything!
Harry finally made it and tossed himself on the ground near Snape.
"Can I have some water now?" Harry asked, his throat was parched.
Snape handed him the water. "Stop being so dramatic, it wasn't that bad!"
Before answering, Harry took a long swig of water and said, "I'm not being dramatic. That was bloody steep!"
"Language, Potter. You're just out of shape, something that we'll take care of while we're here. After all, you haven't been training for Quidditch since the middle of your fifth year. It's understandable."
"Well, if you don't mind, sir, letting me practice with my broom? I won't be seen, I promise to stay in the wards. I know you said no magic, but can't I just have this one exception?"
"Well, since it's a sport you enjoy and you do need to get back into shape, I will accept. Only that is, if you promise to not start doing those famous Wronski Feints of your's."
"I promise, sir." Harry couldn't help but grin. Finally something was going his way!
"I had a feeling you might ask to ride your broom. So luckily for you, it's in the tent."
"Okay, thanks!" Harry said happily as he laid down on his back. The fresh air was actually nice up here as he looked up at the fading stars. Harry could just see Sirius the Dog Star, slowly disappearing due to the growing morning light.
Grief for his godfather washed over Harry. It should be Sirius who was here camping with him, not Snape.
"I know you're missing your godfather."
Harry blinked his eyes, willing away the burning feeling behind his eyes. He didn't want to cry. He cried so much this past summer, it was amazing that he still had tears left to shed. Why couldn't Harry just have one day free of pain and grief? What was wrong with him? Why did he always feel as if there were a dark cloud hanging over him? Always reminding him of Sirius, of the pain, everything, even his past… Why can't I just be a normal kid?
"Come on, Potter, say something, anything. I know you don't trust me, and you have a very good excuse. I haven't been fair to you at all since your first year, but as I've said before, times have changed. Under these circumstances, events have brought us together, allowing us a chance to start over. I'm just trying to help you. I also have nothing to gain from this. I'm not using you for anything. I just want to figure out what's going on inside your head."
"I don't… I'm..." Harry thought hard about what he was trying to say. He knew Snape was pushing him to talk, but he didn't want to. He couldn't trust him. Harry had been hurt and betrayed so many times in the past, to the point where he couldn't take any more chances. Harry had to protect his heart.
Yes, I miss Sirius. He was my godfather, he was the only one I had left, but now he's gone because I had acted so stupidly after I received that vision. If only I'd listened to my friends... It was my fault... Is that what you're looking for? Because I know you're trying to get me to open up, but I can't fully trust you to not use what I say against me. What if you go off and tell Voldemort everything? What if you start to see what I really am? A freak! And then you'll see why I deserved to be punished by my uncle. I cannot get hurt like that again. I know I've been acting like a brat, I know I'm ungrateful, and I don't deserve to be living in your quarters. This is what I feel, and nothing can change that.
Harry so much wanted to say those words in his head, but he couldn't, he wasn't brave enough. He couldn't make another mistake by placing trust on another adult, especially Snape who was so much reminding him of Uncle Vernon. Harry didn't even know why. The Professor just did and it scared Harry deep down inside.
All Harry managed to say in the end was, "I just can't risk it again, Professor. I'm not taking any more chances. I'm done with trusting people… I'm just done."
Snape didn't say anything in return. The sun started to rise, casting a glow on the treetops and the birds began to sing. What appeared dark and shadowed had brightened up, and the forest became alive with light and life.
"You see, Potter, sometimes things don't stay dark for long. The sun will always rise and chase away the shadows. Maybe now that you're away from your relatives, you can try and learn to give others a chance. You never know what the light may bring you once the darkness is gone."
Harry looked up at the professor. "I'm just not ready, sir."
Snape nodded as they both looked at the rising sun and the view surrounding them. Both of them were lost in their own thoughts about the words they've shared.
Once the sun was fully up, along with the birds and creatures of the forest chirping and rustling in the undergrowth, Severus looked down at Potter who was still lying on his back. The boy was falling asleep under the warmth of the sun, still holding onto a large stick he'd carried halfway up here. Severus thought about what Potter told him. He knew the boy had a right to not trust any adults, but Potter had to realize that he could trust Severus. Potter couldn't go on drowning himself in his depression, Severus wasn't going to allow it any longer.
"I think it's as good a time as any to start our first trust exercise," Severus drawled in his most effective, intimidating professor tone.
Potter opened his eyes. "You're kidding me, right? Trust exercise? Come on, Professor, I don't think that'll solve anything."
"Stand up." Severus decided to ignore the teen's whining. He wished Potter could just see that this was for his own good.
Potter stood up, grumbling the whole time about how useless this was.
"Now, stand by that tree over there," Severus instructed as he took up his own position, which was a good distance away from Potter, but not too far.
Potter sighed as he took up his position and put his hands in his pockets. "Now what?"
"Tell me, how do you feel when I'm standing this far from you?"
"I don't know. Okay I guess, I mean you're just standing there..."
"Good." Severus didn't expect too much from this distance. He took two big steps closer, so now he was standing in front of Potter.
"How about now?"
Severus could already see the boy was uneasy with him standing so closely in front of him.
"I feel fine…" Potter muttered.
"No, tell me the truth. How do you feel when I'm this close to you?"
"I said I'm fine!"
Severus could see the boy was still lying, and that was unacceptable to him. Severus wasn't going to let Potter have his way by pretending he was feeling okay.
"You're uneasy when I'm this close, Potter. Tell me why?"
"Well of course! Who wouldn't be when your professor is standing right in your face?"
"That's enough cheek from you! This exercise is to help you. Stop acting like a dunderhead and cooperate!"
"You're criticizing me again! You don't even try to stop! Every time I get you mad, you throw insults at me!"
"Well, you aren't trying either! You're not cooperating or following directions!"
I've had it up to here with this kid!
The only thing that kept Severus from hexing the boy was his instinct that Potter was getting defensive. But the question was why? Why was he putting up an angry front? Potter's uneasiness wasn't just because he didn't like Severus standing in front of him. No, he was upset by something deeper, and Severus was determined to find out what it was.
Potter sighed with a mixture of defiance and irritation, but he didn't say anything more.
Taking advantage of Potter's silence, Severus said, "Let's start over." He took a couple of steps back. "Tell me, how do you feel when I am standing here?"
Potter sighed again in frustration. "Alright I suppose…" he muttered angrily.
Severus took two steps forward. "How about now?"
He could see Potter hiding his true emotions. He could see it in the way his jaw clenched and the way his whole body seemed tense.
"Uncomfortable, sir."
"Tell me why."
The surly teenager didn't say anything. Severus waited, as he'd finally realized that insulting Potter and getting angry wasn't going to work.
Potter shook his head in anger. "I don't know..." he mumbled.
"You do know, Potter. Now spit it out!" Yet, Severus still couldn't hold back his impatience.
"I don't know!" Potter shouted. He stepped away from Severus, and picked up his hiking stick before he started to walk back down the trail.
Groaning in frustration, Severus began to follow Potter. He knew the boy was hiding something.
There's a reason why that insufferable brat was getting so defensive and I'm going to find out why!
For the past few days, Severus had definitely noticed the way Potter flinched or shrugged Severus off whenever he'd initiated any kind of contact towards Potter. Something was going on inside that kid's head. Something so deep and raw, that Severus knew he was going to have to fight tooth and nail to get Potter to lower down his mental barriers.
After several long moments of pondering about his charge, Severus made a solemn promise to himself. That whatever secret Potter was hiding, whatever details about the abuse he'd suffered as a child, Severus would know by the end of this camping trip!
.
.
By the time they'd returned to camp, it was almost lunch. Severus decided to get it ready, letting Potter have a nice long sulk. Maybe then, he would cool off.
Once the food was ready, Severus set out to find the stubborn boy. He walked down the trail leading to the lake, as that was where Potter had sulked off to earlier.
Once Severus reached the lake, he right away spotted the sulking Gryffindor throwing rocks in the lake. He stood there for a few seconds, before realizing Potter was trying to skip rocks. The boy was horrible at it. It made Severus realize that Potter probably never had anyone to show him how to do it. He wondered if this was the first time Potter had been on an actual camping trip. Severus remembered his own father teaching him how to skip rocks as a small boy. His father's gentle tone as he taught Severus the right way to hold the rock before he tossed it. The way his father had a proud look when Severus finally got a couple of good skips before the rock sank into the water.
The familiar old pain washed over Severus whenever he thought of the man his father used to be, before he had let alcohol and depression take over his soul. Then shaking away those melancholy thoughts, Severus walked loudly towards Potter so he wouldn't startle him.
"I can show you how to skip rocks properly," Severus offered as Potter attempted to skip another rock, but it just sank into the water again. "It's the way you hold it before you throw the rock that causes it to skip."
Potter shrugged and gave Severus his rock.
Severus held the rock so he could show him how he was doing it. "Now, hold the rock with your thumb and middle finger. Then place your index finger on the edge and throw."
Severus released the stone and it flew in the air above the water, it skipped seven times before it sank.
Potter whistled in amazement. "Nice one, Professor." He picked up a stone and tried to mirror the way Severus held his rock a moment ago.
"Just move your index finger to the edge," Severus instructed, making no movement to step closer to help him. He didn't want to chase Potter away. Severus was surprised that Potter was acting civil right now and was even accepting his help.
"Like this, sir?" Potter held the rock correctly out for him to inspect.
"Precisely. Now throw," Severus approved.
Potter tossed the rock far into the lake. It skipped about four times before it sank into the water. Potter smiled and shouted in triumph.
"You did better than me when I first tried it," Severus said with amusement. "I've only managed two good skips."
"Who taught you, sir?" Potter asked casually as he skipped another rock.
"My father, it was a long time ago." Severus decided to be truthful. Maybe this would earn him some trust. Maybe in order to get Potter to open up to him, Severus also had to do the same.
"Was he a good father?" Potter asked.
"He used to be," Severus answered as he also skipped another rock. He thought it would be hard talking about his own father to Potter, but strangely it wasn't. The words just flew out. Maybe Severus needed this trip as much as Potter did.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Potter muttered as he skipped another rock. "I shouldn't have asked."
"No, Potter. I don't mind at all, although I've never told anyone before. Your mother was the only one who knew when we went to school together."
"You were friends with her? But what I saw in the pensieve… You called her a mudblood."
"I was young and stupid. We all say things we regret. What you saw was the beginning of our falling out. Before that, we were quite close actually."
"I never knew, sir."
"Of course you didn't. Now come, lunch is ready. I assume you must be hungry?"
"Starving, actually! I swear I can eat a hippogriff right now!" Potter laughed as he tossed another rock in the blue, clear water. It skipped seven times before it sank. Potter shouted out in triumph, throwing his arms up in the air. Severus couldn't suppress a laugh. It was refreshing at times to see Potter act his age for once.
The blazing fire warmed Harry's face as he stuck a marshmallow in the flames. He watched the marshmallow turn into a gooey s'more as it caught on fire. He pulled it out and laughed.
"S'more?" Harry offered it to Snape, who was walking towards him with a cup of tea.
"Don't set yourself on fire! I swear I'll never hear the end of it from Molly Weasley if she were to find out I'd let you play with fire."
Harry blew out the orange flames on his s'more and nibbled the edge of it.
"So what are we doing tomorrow, Professor?"
"Hiking, among other things."
"Again?"
"Unless you don't want to see the waterfall and go swimming, then I guess you can stay here and start rewriting what you call a Potions essay."
"You know what? Hiking doesn't actually sound too bad!"
Snape snorted as he sipped his tea."I thought so," he said sarcastically.
After a few moments of Snape poking the fire with a large stick, while Harry ate his delicious gooey s'more, the Potions Professor asked, "Despite our morning argument, how did you enjoy today?"
"It wasn't so bad. Thank you for showing me how to skip rocks, and helping me with my charms homework. Also, it felt great flying on my broom today. It's been a while."
Snape nodded and sipped his tea.
Harry was still thinking about what Snape revealed to him this afternoon, about his own father showing him how to skip rocks. Snape also mentioned that Snape senior used to be a good father. But why did he say used to be ? What happened to Snape senior? Did he die? Or was he like Uncle Vernon?
If Snape had the same childhood as me… Maybe he would understand ?
Harry tried to find the right words to bring up the subject, until he decided to just bluntly ask, "Your father took you camping a lot, didn't he? Is this where he took you?"
Snape gave him a searching look before he answered, "Yes, Potter. He did take me camping a lot as a small child. This is in fact where he always took me. It's one of the reasons why I tried to keep this trip as magic free as possible. So you can experience the same happiness I did as a child."
"Is that why you always changed the subject, every time I asked you where we were?"
Severus nodded. "I didn't want to give away too much. I guess there's no reason to hide our location anymore. We're in the forest of Dean."
Harry nodded. "Do you miss your father?" He so much wanted to ask what happened to Snape senior instead. But Harry didn't want to be rude, and he didn't want to pry too much.
"I miss the father who took me camping, not the one that I've grown to know once I was older. You don't mind if I ask, have you ever been camping before?"
"No, sir, whenever the Dursleys took Dudley camping, they'd always left me behind with a neighbor."
"I see… Have you ever wondered what it would've been like, if you were ever allowed to go?"
"I don't know, I've never thought of that before. I'm sure my aunt and uncle would've just ignored me the whole trip, and Dudley probably would've pushed me off a cliff if they ever went hiking. Even if hiking or walking isn't exactly something Dudley would agree to do." Harry realized he was rambling now, so he just said, "I don't think it would've been as great as this."
Severus nodded at his answer. Potter didn't know it, but he'd let something slip about his past. One simple sentence. His aunt and uncle would've ignored him, even to the point where they would've allowed their son to push him off a cliff. That part was very much disturbing to Severus, especially the way Potter had said it so casually. As if it were normal to him….
It is normal to him. Potter only expects neglect from his relatives.
"Why wouldn't it have been as great as this?" Severus knew he was practically asking the same question, but he wanted to get more information out of Potter.
"Um…because they'll spend the whole weekend letting me know I wasn't wanted there."
"How?"
"By ignoring me, by making me do all the labor, calling me names and allowing Dudley to pick on me." Potter clamped his mouth shut and Severus realized that the boy figured out what he was doing. Severus waited for the explosion. The famous temper that had come from Lily, no doubt.
But the temper never came.
"Professor? Do you think my aunt and cousin are okay? However they treated me in the past…they don't deserve to stay with my uncle."
"Why not, Potter? Tell me what your uncle is doing to them?" Severus left out the words and what did he do to you? Potter's question had made Severus realize that if he didn't address the abuse directly on the boy, Potter didn't deny that abuse was actually happening in the Dursley household. I have to keep Potter on track, on the idea that his aunt and cousin are the ones in danger of being abused, not him.
"Uncle Vernon, he has a temper and since I'm not there anymore, what if he takes it out on them? He's never raised a hand or shouted at them before, but I don't know...it could happen."
"Let's say if you were still there, Potter. Let's say if you were there and not here with me, what would you be doing at this time?"
Potter closed his eyes, Severus could see that he was imagining himself back at the Dursleys' household. He noticed Potter's body stiffening at the thought.
"I'll be in my room, hungry and...and I'll be…" Potter's face reddened at his unspoken words.
He'll be hurt… Severus didn't press it anymore. He decided that this conversation was over for now.
"I think it's time we turn in," Severus said as he finished the rest of his tea. Potter nodded, looking grateful that Severus had willingly changed the subject.
"I'll show you the sleeping arrangements." Severus stood up and led Potter to the tent.
To Harry's disappointment, the tent wasn't like the Weasleys' tent during the Quidditch World Cup. It was in fact an ordinary muggle tent. However, it was pretty big. So Harry and Snape would have plenty of space.
Snape tossed him a sleeping bag and pillow. "Pick out your corner," he said. "I'm going to clean up before I get to bed."
Snape left the tent, leaving Harry to unroll his sleeping bag at the far left side of the tent. He found his rucksack inside and quickly changed into his pajamas. By the time Snape came in, Harry was already underneath his warm sleeping bag. He wondered if the professor had put a warming charm on it because it was freezing inside the tent.
"Are you ready to close your mind?"
Harry nodded. Snape sat down next to him on the floor. "Close your eyes. Focus on your wall. Focus on every detail."
Harry imagined his wall, the one that he always imagined protecting him. The one Harry always mentally hid behind when adults would hurt him or push him into talking about things that made Harry uncomfortable. It was a dark-red brick wall that was more than twenty feet tall.
"Now, breathe in and out. Focus on nothing but your breathing and the sound of my voice. Imagine that wall protecting your mind."
Harry focused on his breathing. He imagined his wall keeping all the memories away, all his thoughts away on the other side, until his mind began to shut down. It wasn't long until Snape's voice began to fade away, and finally Harry gave into the heavy lull of sleep.
Day Two
"Are you sure we aren't lost?" Harry called out again to Snape who was several feet ahead of him. Harry put all his weight on his hiking stick as he forced his tired body to walk up the steep hill.
"Can't we just use a Point-Me-Spell?"
"We're not lost. We're almost there. Hurry up!"
"Right, cus that large rock over there can be at two places at once," Harry muttered as he bit into his granola bar.
Harry's muscles screamed in protest, sweat dripped down his face under the stifling heat. He was glad that Snape bought him shorts, he would've died in pants.
Harry examined the view around him. There was nothing but trees and rock going up the slope. The rustling of rodents was heard in the undergrowth. Squirrels occasionally ran from tree to tree, and birds sang in the treetops above them. This hike was much more intense than the one yesterday morning.
Harry wondered if this was the way Snape planned to murder him for Voldemort. Make him hike to death and blame it on the stupid camping trip.
After all the talks Harry shared with his professor, all the stories and training, he still couldn't help but remain reserved about where Snape's loyalties lay. Harry wanted to trust Snape, he wanted to give into the longing of confiding to an adult, and feel all the burden of his grief and pain be lifted off his shoulders. But whenever Harry tried to mention something about his past, the question: Can I trust him ? burned in his mind. Then Harry was suddenly hiding behind his mental wall, with the familiar pain of heartache and disappointment, reminding Harry why he couldn't trust not only Snape, but every adult.
"Hurry up, Potter! We made it!" Snape shouted from the top of the slope.
Summoning up the rest of his energy, Harry climbed faster up to the top to see what was at the end of the trail. He began to notice the foliage around him was a darker shade of green. The sound of roaring water canceled out the natural sounds of the forest. The air began to feel a little cooler and sprays of water cooled off Harry's skin.
Once Harry finally made it to the top, he leaned against the tree as he caught his breath. Snape turned his head slightly and motioned for Harry to come closer and see.
Harry moved besides his Potions Professor and gave out a small intake of breath. The sight that met his eyes was amazing! They were on top of a glorious waterfall! Daring to step closer to the edge, he looked down to see clear-white roaring water falling to meet a deep-blue pool. Harry watched as the falling water sprayed down onto large boulders, creating a mist of cool water.
Harry suddenly felt Snape's hand pull him back roughly. "Away from the edge, Potter," he said with annoyance.
Harry shrugged off the professor's hold on him but still accepted the water canteen from him. Harry drank several large gulps of water before he began to follow Snape down a thin rocky trail that led to the pool beneath the waterfall.
Once they've finally reached the end of the trail, Harry sat down on the rocks and breathed in a sigh of relief. He couldn't believe he actually made it. This whole hiking thing was tough, especially the fact that Snape wasn't making it any easier by picking out the toughest trails up the steepest hills.
"We'll eat lunch here and then we can practice dueling. Afterwards, you can have a break and go for a swim. We're also going to have another attempt at the trust exercise we didn't get to finish yesterday," Snape explained as he handed Harry a sandwich and an apple from his small black bag.
Harry groaned inwardly. Why did Snape insist on doing those bloody useless exercises?
They ate their lunch in a comfortable silence. Severus stared out at the descending waterfall. In front of him, the boy was sitting on a large flat boulder that was lying halfway on the shore and jutting out over the water. Severus didn't fail to notice how tensed Potter had gotten at the mention of the trust exercise. He knew Potter despised it and saw it as pointless, but what the teen didn't know was that the trust exercise had a very large purpose to what Severus was trying to achieve. The exercise was a tool to get Potter to open up.
Every day, Severus could see Potter was slipping deeper and deeper into depression. He was even surprised that Potter still showed an interest in Quidditch or even dueling. He could see the depression whenever Potter wasn't busy or when he was quiet and alone, it'd be clouded in his eyes and in the way he held himself. Severus could also see it when Potter would be smiling and laughing, he could tell it wasn't true. Because Potter's laughter never reached his eyes and his smile would falter after a few moments. It was times like those when Severus could see how mentally tired Potter was of his life. It was those moments that scared him, although Severus would never admit it to anyone, not even Albus. Those moments scared Severus because he could see how ready Potter was to just end it all.
Severus was also glad that the infant charm he'd put on Potter's hands was working, because several times each day, Severus would catch Potter trying to scratch himself when he was stressed or left alone with his wandering thoughts. Making a mental note to keep a close eye on Potter cutting himself with things he may find out in the forest, Severus packed away his trash inside his small black bag.
It was time they started on dueling. Potter wasn't so bad. In fact, he was stronger than many of his peers at Hogwarts, but the boy still had a lot to learn.
"It's time we get started," Severus announced.
Potter sat up and put his trash away, then Severus handed him his wand. When they were dueling or practicing spells on Severus' supervision, it was the only time Potter was allowed to have it. Only when Severus deemed Potter ready and healthy in mind and spirit, then he could have his wand back. Meaning, Severus wasn't waiting for Potter to be a hundred percent nor expecting it of him, but better than how he was coping at the moment.
.
.
"Titillando!" Severus shouted. He gave Potter no time to prepare once they were done with the formalities of dueling.
Potter dodged the spell at the very last second, fell over, and rolled onto his side.
"Lacarnum Inflamare!" Severus shouted. A ball of flames shot out of his wand straight towards his young opponent.
"Aquamenti!" Potter shouted, putting out his fire. His green eyes were alive with the fighting spirit that Severus thought he'll never see again. "Impedimenta!" The boy threw the spell right at Severus.
Severus nonverbally threw up a shield, blocking Potter's spell. The boy was now back on his feet with a challenging smirk on his face.
"Acendio!" Severus shouted at the same time as Potter shouted, "Protego!"
Potter's shield rebounded Severus' spell, who was able to block it just in time.
Suddenly, Potter started casting an abundance of quick spells at him, and for a while all Severus could do was hold up his shield as he fired back. After an hour and a half of dueling, he deemed that Potter had enough practice for today.
"Protego!" Severus shouted. The spell reflected Potter's spell. Severus took a small fraction of a second to throw a second curse at the boy while he put up his shield. "Steleus!"
The spell hit Potter right in the chest. Suddenly the boy couldn't stop sneezing, his shield began to weaken.
Severus took his chance. Tarantallegra! he said nonverbally.
Potter's feet were uncontrollable. His shield went down and Severus wasted no time. "Expelliarmus!" he shouted.
Potter's wand flew through the air. Severus caught it at the same time as he sent the counter curses to stop his opponent's dancing legs and uncontrollable sneezing.
"Your curses are remarkable and also your reflexives. But it's your shields that need work. You cannot let yourself become distracted."
"How am I supposed to keep up a shield at the same time as throwing out a curse? I only have one wand."
"Strategy, Potter. Think, you have to think."
Deciding that it would be easier to just show him what he meant instead of explaining, Snape handed Potter back his wand.
Once they were back in position, Severus casted the first curse.
"Steleus!"
Potter right away blocked it, so Severus fired another curse and shouted, "Come on, Potter. Hex me back!"
"I can't with the shield!"
"For the love of Merlin! Just try!"
"Expelliarmus!" Potter shouted. His shield went down and Severus was able to hit the spell with Protego, resulting in Potter's wand flying towards him again.
"Again, Potter," Severus said, again handing him back his wand. They tried a few more times, until they both began to feel the strain after Severus once more disarmed Potter.
"I think that's enough for now," Severus said as he pocketed Potter's wand. He ignored the disappointed look that flashed on the boy's face. If Potter wanted his wand back so badly, he knew what to do. Severus had no intention in giving him chances or babying him.
"We'll practice more tomorrow. Like I've said, it's not using two spells at once, it's strategy. You have to find that little pause, that hesitation in your opponent as you throw out a hex. Use that hesitation to throw up your shield before they find the chance to fire back."
Potter nodded. "Okay, I see what you mean, sir."
"Good."
"You were doing some nonverbal spells. I was wondering if you can teach me?" Potter asked.
"Only once you've mastered shields, Potter."
"Okay, sir. I'll work on it… I'll think of some strategies today."
"Good, now you can go for a swim if you want."
"Yes!" Potter exclaimed in excitement, causing Severus to almost break his emotionless facade and smile. "Are you going to swim?" Potter then asked him.
"I don't think so, Potter. Now go, take your break. You deserve it."
"Okay thanks, Professor."
"Go on."
The boy didn't need any more coaxing. He right away took his shorts off, revealing the red swimming shorts he had on underneath and ran up the small rocky slope. Potter then cannonballed right into the water, causing a very large obnoxious splash. Once more, Severus suppressed another smile at Potter's childlike behavior.
If only he had more moments like those… Severus thought, as he pulled out his book and began to read under the shade of a large tree.
"I really don't see the point in this," Harry grumbled as he stood a few feet away from Snape. They were doing the bloody proximity exercise thing again, and he was getting really annoyed at the professor's determination to follow through with this.
"Tell me, how do you feel about me standing here?" Snape called out.
"Okay, Professor. I really don't care that you're standing there."
Snape took a few more steps closer. "How about now?"
Snape was two arm's lengths away. It was the length Harry always made sure to keep whenever he was standing near Uncle Vernon. "I'm okay with that, sir." Harry forced himself to not roll his eyes.
Now Snape was less than an arm's length away from him. Harry forced himself to remain calm as this was the length Uncle Vernon usually stood whenever he yelled at Harry before grabbing him.
A sudden memory popped in Harry's mind. It was of Uncle Vernon coming home drunk late one night, when Petunia and Dudley were sleeping. It was dark, Harry was terrified when the door of his cupboard was thrown open and in the darkness, he could see a reaching large hand. This memory was the reason why Harry always made sure to keep an arm's length away from Uncle Vernon.
And Harry hated that Snape was standing so close to him, making Harry a perfect reach if he decided to grab him like Uncle Vernon used to, especially like that night.
"Come here, boy!"
Harry only shook his head, backing away as far as he could. He was four years old. Tears welled up in his eyes and his limbs quivered in fear. Uncle Vernon growled in frustration and yanked Harry towards him by the arm. There was a loud pop. His shoulder wrenched in pain. Harry gave out a scream filled with pain and fear. "I'll be good, Uncle Vernon. Please, I'll be good, I promise! Just let me go!" Harry cried at the intense pain. "It hurts!" he cried, as he was dropped to the floor.
The words echoed in Harry's mind. It hurts! Everything fucking hurts! He took a deep breath and tried to force his racing heart to calm down before Snape noticed.
"What are you thinking about, Potter? When I'm standing an arm's length away from you, you start stressing out. What does this remind you of?"
Harry shook his head as tears began to roll down his cheeks. They were warm and fast. His throat choked up, his whole body began to shake. His uncle's screams continued to echo in Harry's head.
The pain Harry had felt that day, when Uncle Vernon pulled his arm out of the socket, came back to him alive and burning. Harry held his shoulder with his left hand, remembering his aunt's words the next day as she popped it back into place.
"You deserved that pain, you little freak! That's what you get for even living in my house! This should teach you to misbehave again!"
Before Harry knew it, he was sitting on his knees. Snape knelt down, but he didn't put a hand on his shoulder or anything. He gave Harry his space and he was grateful for that.
"What are you remembering?" Snape asked gently.
Harry shook his head and wiped away his tears. He didn't want to tell Snape, he didn't want to tell him that Uncle Vernon, standing an arm's length away meant that Harry was going to get an arm pulled, or his hair was going to get pulled, or his ear, or perhaps even strangled. Harry didn't want to admit that he was broken and beaten. Snape would only see all of that as abuse, but Harry knew deep down inside that he wasn't a victim of abuse. Those beatings were all just punishments because Harry was such a bad kid. The Dursleys had to resort to drastic measures in disciplining him.
I'm not abused… I'm not… I was just a bad kid who did bad things. I'm a freak, they had every right to treat me like that….
Harry looked up at Snape from under his fringe of drying wet hair. "I deserved it."
"What did you deserve, Potter?"
"You say that it was abuse, but it was not. I deserved it all! Those were all punishments Uncle Vernon had to give me. I was a freak! A bad kid who deserved to be hit!" Harry shouted. "I wasn't abused! And this stupid exercise is a fucking waste of time!"
Harry expected Snape to shout back, to shoot him with his nasty cold glare. But instead, his Potions Professor just shook his head and said, "You didn't deserve that. No matter how terrible you were as a child, you did not deserve that sort of treatment. No child deserves to be hit like that. That's why we call it abuse."
More tears rolled down Harry's cheeks. "No, you're wrong..." he choked out. "You weren't there. You didn't see how bad I was."
"Then open up, Potter. Let me in and I'll be the judge to see if you deserved your uncle's so-called punishments or your aunt's neglect."
"I can't, Professor. I just can't..."
.
.
The cupboard was dark and stuffy. Harry was sleeping on his dirty cot, curled up in a tight ball to keep himself warm. Suddenly, heavy footsteps and a sound of a door opening interrupted Harry out of sleep. It was Uncle Vernon who was returning home drunk. Harry shivered from fear instead of the cold. He knew what was coming. His uncle was going to teach him a lesson for being a freak. No matter how terrified Harry was, he knew he deserved it.
The cupboard door slammed open. Harry yelled out in surprise and fear...always fear.
"Don't you dare scream!" Uncle Vernon roared.
His breath smelled of alcohol and his words slurred. Harry backed away as far as possible from his uncle's reaching hands, since he couldn't fit inside the cupboard. The hands inched closer to Harry, so he pressed himself against the wall and covered his face. He didn't know what else to do, he was only three years old. Only three and Harry never felt so scared in his life.
Harry's uncle grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him out. Uncle Vernon began to strangle Harry until he started to see spots that clouded his vision before he was thrown to the floor, gasping for breath. He backed away from his uncle who was towering over him. At three years old, Uncle Vernon was always the monster in Harry's nightmares.
Harry cried out as the first kick landed on his side. He looked up and saw the gleaming evil red eyes of Uncle Vernon. His teeth grew sharper and his laughter rang out throughout the house, ten times louder than normal. Then Uncle Vernon's features began to change, until suddenly Snape was standing over him with his hand raised for another strike. Harry screamed and covered his face. He screamed until he felt someone shaking him awake.
"Potter! Potter! Wake up!"
Harry opened his eyes to see Uncle Vernon looming over him in the dark. Harry yelled out in fear, his heart racing in panic.
"No…don't hurt me," Harry cried out.
Still drowsy and confused from a heavy sleep, Harry still believed he was that three year old boy from his dream. He could see the shape of his uncle's body coming closer to him with his giant hand rising to strike.
"No, Uncle Vernon! I'll be good! I promise, I'll be good!" Harry pleaded as he moved away from Uncle Vernon. "Nooo… Please, nooo!"
"Potter!"
Harry flinched at the sound of his last name. That voice was so familiar, but yet he couldn't comprehend who it belonged to, his uncle or Snape. So Harry backed all the way to the wall and wrapped his arms around his knees. Burying his head in his lap, Harry let out a strangled sob. He just wanted to die.
"Potter, look at me," a gentle voice said.
Harry didn't want to. He didn't want to look at Uncle Vernon. He didn't want to get hurt.
"I'm not your uncle, Potter. It's me, Professor Snape. Do you remember where you are?"
Harry tried to remember, but he was so scared and lost. He was still half asleep.
"My cupboard," Harry whispered. "I'm in my cupboard, and I'm a freak. I know you're going to punish me… You're going to punish me because I'm bad!"
Harry broke down in a heart-wrenching sob and couldn't stop, he was just so tired of it all. The pain inside was too much, it was too overwhelming. Harry started to scratch his arm hard, hoping to feel the pain come alive, but he couldn't break open his skin. He couldn't scratch hard enough to leave a mark or even feel any pain. Harry screamed out in frustration, until someone held his arm away.
"Get off!" Harry shouted as he yanked his arm out of their grasp. He couldn't stand having any human contact right now. He didn't deserve to anyways, after all Harry was a freak.
"Harry, look at me!"
Harry flinched. He angered his uncle. Now a punch or a kick was surely to come.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Harry cried over and over again.
Fear affected the magic pumping in Harry's veins, it made the air around them crack as accidental magic began to rise, until his hands glowed with a strong yellow light. Finally, Harry was able to scratch his arm so hard that he was able to draw blood.
"No!" Uncle Vernon shouted.
A vice-like grip closed around Harry's right arm. Another arm forcibly lifted up his chin. Harry suddenly saw the face of Severus Snape. The one in his dream.
Overwhelming fear took over to the point where Harry couldn't move, couldn't talk, he just kept seeing Uncle Vernon in Snape's eyes.
"I am not your uncle," Snape said. "Don't you dare compare me to that monster! Even though you somehow see no difference between us, there is Harry! That muggle may not have cared for you, but I do! That's the difference! But you're too blind and stubborn to see it! Now stop this nonsense. Calm down, because I'm right here for you. I'm not going to hurt you."
Harry gaped at Snape, he couldn't believe what the professor was telling him. That Snape suddenly cared for Harry? But wasn't Uncle Vernon supposed to care for him too? After all, that was why Uncle Vernon worked so hard to discipline him. Maybe that's what Snape meant. By saying he cared for Harry just so he could discipline him, just like how Uncle Vernon did.
Harry wrenched his arm away from the professor and glared at him with anger. The sleepiness and confusion had now faded away. Harry was now aware of where he was and who Snape was.
"There's no difference, Professor," Harry said in a defiant and cold voice. "If you say you care for me, just like Uncle Vernon used to say to me, I'm sure your punishments will be exactly the same."
Severus gaped at the boy sitting down in front of him. Blood was rising out of the deep scratches on his left arm, tears were still streaming down his face, and those eyes, those glaring, bright-green eyes.
Severus was beginning to understand why Potter was so unwilling to trust him. Severus knew the reason had to be more than himself being an adult. Severus knew Potter didn't fully trust any adult, but he didn't push away Dumbledore, Lupin or even the Weasleys the way he pushed Severus away. Now Severus just found out the reason, Potter associated him with his uncle. Now all Severus had to do was find out why. Why did Potter see his uncle when he looked at Severus?
"Give me your arm, Potter. Let me heal that scratch," Severus commanded, holding out his hand to the boy.
Potter looked reluctant to follow Severus' order but he did it anyway. As Severus healed his arm and recasted a new charm to prevent more scratching. While Severus did that, he felt Potter's accidental magic began to fade. Meaning, the boy was growing tired once more.
"Go back to bed, we'll talk about this in the morning."
The teen only nodded. Severus was slightly disappointed. He thought that once he admitted to Potter that he'd grown to care for him, then he would see that Severus was someone to be trusted. But no, the problem was way deeper than he'd expected. It was going to take a lot of work to earn Potter's trust, and help him through his depression and self-harm.
Severus sighed as he covered Potter with an extra blanket. Exhaustion crept up on him, Severus could feel it in his muscles and bones.
I'm growing too old for your missions, Albus, Severus thought. Even though this mission has now become my own….
Potter turned away, not daring to look at him. And Severus was sure that if he saw the boy's face, he would see the look of someone who has given up, ready to die.
A/N: The whole Day One and Day Two signifies the number of days Sev and Harry have gone camping.
Also, If you have any questions about the trust exercise Severus was trying to do with Harry, it's called Proximity Detector. We all have a personal box or bubble around us where we only let certain people in our lives cross. The closer we allow someone to stand near us the more we trust and vice versa. This exercise helps Harry by allowing Severus to cross his personal bubble, thus creating a trust between them. Snape chooses this exercise, because he knows that Harry, as a small child, has never had any physical affection from his relatives. That is one of the reasons why Harry cannot trust, along with always being let down by the adults in his life and everything he has gone through. That mistrust Harry has in him is what Severus is working so hard to change…
Review Replies
Dark Neko 4000: That's actually a pretty good theory haha and Harry and Sev are in pretty deep inside the Forest of Dean.
Jamage: I know our poor Moony! He won't be there throughout the whole story so cheer up
Lupinesence: Thank you I'm glad you liked it!
Caraline Fisher: I hope you enjoyed this one! Thanks for your review :D
Guest: I'm sorry you didn't like the last chapter, and thought it was a waste of time. I was trying to show some background between Remus and Sirius and the relationship they had, and how much Sirius meant to Remus. Just be patient because it will all come together soon. Every chapter I write has a purpose to the story. So keep reading ;)
Cynder2013: you just have to wait and see