Chapter Eleven - Just Let Go
Warnings: There is Self-Harm and Attempted Suicide in this chapter. Also there is Depression and Grief. It's pretty triggering and dramatic...I'm sorry =( Anyways... Enjoy my chapter!
The morning sun casted its early rays on Severus, who was flipping over pancakes on the grill. He glanced over at Potter, who was sitting on the log in front of the campfire, poking at the ashes with the large stick he'd found on their first hiking trail. Even from here, Severus could see the large circles under the teen's eyes. The scowl on Potter's face was prominent. Severus knew Potter was in a bad mood from last night, embarrassed and upset that he'd let Severus see him so vulnerable. Despite Potter's sour mood, Severus was glad that he had that nightmare, because it opened up his mental barriers.
Last night, Severus finally found out the root of Potter's distrust of him. Potter associated him with his uncle. He saw both of them as the same. Potter expected Severus to punish him exactly how Dursley punished him. Now, Severus had to figure out why. Why did Potter associate them together? Why did Severus remind Potter of Dursley? Shaking his head in frustration at the unanswered questions, Severus scooped up the pancakes, placed them on a plate, and walked over to the moody teen.
Severus sat down on the log across from Potter, handing him his plate.
"Pancakes?" the teen asked grumpily.
"Yes, have you had them before?"
"At Hogwarts," Potter answered, taking a few small bites.
"How about when you were younger?"
Potter glanced at Severus, putting his fork down. "I'm not really hungry, sir. Can I eat this later?"
"Eat at least half," Severus said. "You can't be running on fumes today."
Potter rolled his eyes. Severus kept his mouth shut. He so much wanted to yell at him for the obvious disrespect. Severus' patience was wearing thin with the stubborn and moody teen.
Potter made no move to continue eating, only glaring at his plate, avoiding all eye contact with Severus. He could see the boy closing up and he didn't want that to happen. So Severus continued to speak, even though he wasn't completely sure if forcing Potter to talk was the right move. And once again, a spark of annoyance directed at Albus went through Severus, for ever thinking that he was the right person for Potter.
"If you're not going to eat, then let's talk about what happened last night, Potter," Severus said in his best drawling voice that meant he wasn't playing games.
Potter shook his head, his face reddened slightly.
"Come on, Potter, you were very emotional last night. You said certain things about me and your uncle. I'm trying to understand it, but I'm failing. I'm tired of trying to fight out every answer to your problems. I need you to cooperate with me. I know you don't trust me. I could understand why. Just tell me, why do I remind you of Dursley?"
Potter didn't say anything as he continued to move the pancake around with his fork.
Suddenly, Severus thought about the Proximity trust exercise he'd been trying to do with the boy, and it clicked.
"You get uncomfortable during the Proximity exercise," Severus said so softly, causing Potter to finally look at him. "When I stand close to you, do you see your uncle?"
"I don't know," Potter muttered, turning his gaze away quickly.
That obvious lie gave Severus his answer.
"Come on, Potter, how about we go hiking? We can give that exercise another shot. Now that I know why you get uncomfortable, we can finish it."
"I don't feel like hiking, sir."
"Then we can do the exercise now! Stand up!"
Severus' patience was gone, and he knew his temper was getting the best of him. He knew he was handling this all wrong, but Severus wasn't going to let the bratty teen boss him around!
Potter glared at him. His green eyes were so full of anger. Placing his plate on the log, he stood up and shouted, "I'm not doing anything with you!"
Severus stood up as well. "And why is that?! Tell me, Potter, why can't you stand me this morning?"
"Because of last night! And I'm tired, okay, I just want to go back to bed!"
Severus sighed in frustration. This kid was so stubborn, they weren't getting anywhere with this useless argument.
Maybe, if I tell him more about my childhood, then he'll see that I'm on his side. I'm not his uncle and he has nothing to fear. It's time I try a different method to calm this kid down.
"Fine, we won't do the Proximity exercise again. But come with me, I need your help in collecting herbs that I need for potions ingredients."
Potter looked like he wanted to shout and refuse Severus' order, but the boy seemed to just give in. Shrugging his shoulders, Potter picked up his stick and said, "Alright," without looking Severus in the eye.
"Follow me," Severus said as he led the way to the trail through the forest. This time there were no steep hills to climb, only a flat, thin trail through the trees and undergrowth.
Severus looked back at Potter from the corner of his eye. Potter was yawning tiredly and glaring at every tree. The boy was in a bloody rotten mood. Severus hoped that what he was about to tell Potter, brought him out of it. Severus also hoped this would help Potter open up and make him stop seeing him as Dursley.
After a few long moments of searching and picking herbs, Severus slowed down his pace so that he was walking next to Potter.
"Your mother was brilliant at Potions."
Potter snorted, "It must be a disappointment for you that I didn't inherit her skills on the subject."
"You do have skills. You just don't apply yourself."
Severus winced. That was the wrong thing to say….
Fuck! Severus shouted in his head. He hated walking on eggshells around this stubborn brat.
"Well, maybe, if I didn't have a Potions Professor who picked on me; and anyone else who wasn't a sneaking Slytherin, I think everyone could do better in the subject."
"To my defense, Potter, most of the students I teach are all dunderheads who are incapable of following simple directions."
"Simple directions? Sir, have you seen the directions to the Draught of Peace?"
"Yes, and compared to the potions you'll be learning in sixth and seventh year, the Draught of Peace is going to seem like simple directions to you."
Potter gave Severus a small smile, causing him to inwardly sigh in relief. He was expecting another argument but instead they'd managed to have a decent, civilized conversation for the first time this morning.
"Sir, where did you inherit your potion skills?"
"My mother... I remember as a small child, watching her in her lab as she brewed. I can still remember that look of passion and concentration in her eyes. It was her life's work. She would've dedicated her life to brewing potions and experimenting, but..."
Potter looked at him, waiting for him to go on.
Severus took a deep breath. It was time for him to open up about his past to the boy, in doing so, it may encourage Potter to do the same. Pushing away the lingering feelings of dislike towards the teen, Severus prayed to himself that this better work, as it was a hard task for Severus to do. He'd never revealed any of this to anyone before. Not even Albus knew the full details of his childhood. Only Lily, but she was gone.
"My father was…he used to be a good father…but he had a problem, Potter."
Severus suddenly spotted a clump of sage leaves. He knelt down and began to examine the leaves as Severus pulled his thoughts together, trying to figure out the right way to tell Potter about his father.
"What was your dad's problem, sir?"
"He drank. He drank so much, he'd let alcohol consume him… Until he wasn't the same person anymore."
"So your dad was..."
The sage leaves were fresh, ready to pick. Severus gently tugged the leaves off the stems as he spoke. "An alcoholic, the town drunk, abusive..."
"Abusive?"
"Yes, Potter, to both me and my mother."
Severus filled up the jar, quickly glancing at Potter who had a thoughtful look as he tried to make sense of what Severus was telling him.
Severus sighed, he was going to have to make this clearer to the teen. Severus stood up and pocketed the jar of sage, then started to walk down the trail. Severus motioned for Potter to follow him, making sure to avoid Potter's eyes by looking for more herbs. It was hard to reveal his past with those green eyes. It was like talking to Lily all over again.
"My father, as I've said yesterday, used to take me camping. He used to be a loving husband and father to us both, but he'd let alcohol take the best of him. I didn't grow up happy, Potter. Very much like you, I grew up neglected, always in pain and hungry. I was, in fact, abused. My mother suffered just as well, until she died right after my fifth year. My father then grew more abusive and angry than ever before.
One night, during the summer after fifth year, I emptied out all of his bottles of alcohol down the drain. It was stupid of me, yes, but I loved my father still, and I was tired of seeing him drunk and wasting away. He had beaten me so badly once he found out what I'd done. I'm not going to even downplay this for the sake of my own dignity. I was beaten and starved for weeks as a punishment. I've never told anyone this, Potter. Even Professor Dumbledore never knew the full story."
"Why are you telling me this, Professor?" Potter asked in a soft voice.
Severus looked down at the short teen with his old arch-enemy's wild jet-black hair and his best friend's bright-green eyes.
Because you're her son…and I've made her a promise….
"I just wanted to show you how much we have in common when it comes to our childhoods. I wanted to show you that I was just like you, Potter. I grew up with no love, only fear. I wanted to show you that you're not alone in this. You can trust me."
"Right..."
Severus abruptly stopped walking. He stood right in front of the boy, blocking his path. Potter almost walked right into him, just only stopping himself in time.
"With great difficulty, I've just told you something about my past, and all you say is: right?" Severus hissed in frustration. "Are you really that stubborn or possibly just downright disrespectful?"
Potter looked at him, yet never met Severus' eyes. Potter seemed to be reading him, trying to understand Severus and his motives for revealing the secrets of his childhood. Severus waited for Potter to say something.
"I'm not stubborn, sir, nor am I trying to be disrespectful to you. I'm just…I'm afraid…" he whispered. It was so low, Severus barely caught it.
"Of course you are, Potter," Severus said. "But I assure you, you're not alone in this."
For the first time that morning, Potter looked Severus directly in the eye. Severus could see the pain in those green depths and the teen's silent plea for help. And Severus realized that Potter was so closed up, that he didn't know how to let Severus in, even if he wanted to. And Severus knew it was going to be hard work, it was going to take time, and what surprised Severus deeply, was that he was still willing to help Potter.
Snape led the way, until they reached an area where the trees began to thin out. Harry had no idea where this trail was leading them to or why Snape was bringing him out here. He had a feeling it wasn't just to collect potion ingredients. Harry thought about what Snape just told him. He couldn't believe that the Potions Professor who always hated him, had a rotten childhood, just like Harry. The fact that they might share something in common made Harry begin to think that maybe there was a possibility of him trusting Snape.
Maybe Snape would understand, but doubts still clouded his mind, like for instance, what if Snape saw what Uncle Vernon saw in Harry? And what if Snape thought Uncle Vernon's methods of punishment were in fact necessary? Or what if Snape really did work for Voldemort still? Or what if Snape did turn out to be a good guardian, but then ended up dying like Sirius, like Harry's parents? Or missing due to Voldemort, like Remus?
And then Harry would be left alone again...
It was just too many what ifs. Too many chances for Harry to be hurt again. He couldn't do it, he couldn't let Snape in.…
Harry finally caught up to Snape, who waited for him at the end of the trail. They had come to a beautiful meadow where deer were grouped together in a herd, grazing at the long grass. Harry looked at them in amazement and wonder.
A large stag stared right back at them. It reminded Harry so much of his father, of Prongs. The stag stepped closer to Harry until he was reaching out with its nose to sniff him. Harry reached out and petted its forehead. The stag licked Harry's hand and nosed his cheek.
"Hello, Prongs," Harry whispered.
He knew it was crazy, but this stag seemed to know who Harry was. It was as if James Potter represented this stag. A loyal, brave, majestic leader, and this was a sign to Harry that his dad was still with him, still watching over him. And maybe this sign was telling Harry that it wouldn't hurt to give Snape a chance. Maybe, this was his dad's way to let Harry know that it was okay. It was going to be okay, and it was okay to let Snape in. And now Harry was torn between pushing Snape away or trusting him, he didn't know what to do.…
What should I do?
The stag pressed his forehead to Harry's own, causing him to laugh out loud. Rubbing the sides of the stag's neck, Harry looked up to see Snape smiling softly at him before he gestured to him to follow. Harry followed his professor inside the meadow, a good distance away from the grazing herd. The stag followed them and began grazing, keeping an eye on Harry and an eye on its food.
"It looks as if you've made a friend, Potter," Snape observed.
Harry only shrugged.
"Sit," the professor said, as he too sat down on the grass with his legs crossed.
"Okay..."
Harry glanced at the stag grazing the tall grass. He wondered if that was how his father looked. He wondered about the Marauders running the grounds of Hogwarts under the full-moon as a pack for Remus, for Moony.
Harry always knew those were the best times of Sirius' life. Sirius had told him so many stories before he'd died. And Harry could remember the way his eyes would soften at a certain memory, or the way his voice was heavy with grief and longing to have his best friends back. Sirius understood the pain of loss. He would've understood Harry's grief.
Harry looked at Snape and wondered if he would understand too? After all, he did say that he had lost his own mother and also Lily…Harry's mum... She and Snape were best friends and Snape had lost her.
And suddenly Harry realized what he should do...even if it scared him down to his core, but he knew his dad, Sirius and Remus would want him to be brave; Gryffindor-brave.
"Sir?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Every instinct Harry had inside of him was screaming at him to shut up. His heart was thumping hard, as if it knew it was in danger of breaking again. However, something in Harry kept him going. Something in him gave him the courage to ask the question to Snape, so Harry could talk about his grief for his beloved godfather.
Harry was just so tired of it. Tired of hiding, tired of putting up a cold front and pretending everything was okay, but it wasn't. Nothing was okay because Sirius was gone, and nothing could ever be the same again… And Remus… Harry's heart clenched in fear. Remus could be dead for all they knew. If only Harry could run off right now and look for him, but Harry knew Snape would never let him. Harry just hoped with all his heart that wherever Remus was, he wasn't in pain.
And still, Harry couldn't help but wonder, despite of his worry for Remus... Why didn't he let Harry know he was leaving on a mission? Why didn't he say goodbye? Was I not worth the effort? What if we never get the chance to now? And those thoughts hurt... They made Harry's eyes sting just a bit and a lump in his throat began to form... Harry swallowed, wanting that feeling to go away... Being left behind...
Yet, Harry still wondered... What if Snape was right? What would it be like to trust him and just let go of his fear...to take a chance for the sake of his future? Would Snape leave Harry behind? Could he really trust him?
Would you leave me behind? "What did you do when your mom died?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Snape looked at him in surprise.
"Well, at first I was angry. So angry...all the time. I took it out on everyone, my father, my professors, Professor Dumbledore, my so-called friends and I'd picked fights with your father and his gang even more than usual. I was a mess, Potter, until Professor Dumbledore snapped me out of it. Before he'd started to grow mistrustful of me, he was there for me for a time... The only adult I could rely on, which was a good thing... And eventually my anger turned into grief. I did cry a lot before that turned into acceptance... Then after all of that, I was able to live again."
"Do you think I'll ever start living again? The pain inside, it just...it hurts so much. Sirius, he was like my dad...like my dad came back and we could've had a great life together, and then it was all taken from us," Harry said quietly.
He could feel Snape staring at him, Harry didn't want to look at the professor's face.
"What was the point? What was the point of getting Sirius back if he was just going to get taken away from me again? And now Remus is missing too. We didn't even get to say goodbye... He was just gone..." Harry's voice cracked. "Why is it that the people I get close to are always the ones getting hurt or they end up...they end up...gone? Why can't I just have a chance for once?"
"Your dream last night? Did you see your godfather go through the veil again?" Snape asked.
Snape's voice wasn't full of pity or in a hushed whisper that Harry often hated. No, it was in that calm, soothing manner that Snape sometimes had. Harry liked it when the professor spoke to him like that. It calmed Harry down. So he decided to be truthful, even though his instincts were still screaming at him to shut up.
"Yes…I…" Harry stumbled over his words at first before clearing his throat to try again.
"Yes, Professor, every time I go to sleep I'm back in the Department of Mysteries. Sirius is always there fighting with Bellatrix Lestrange. I'm always shouting, trying to get his attention, trying to save him…but I can never get to him. I'm always trying to stop him from dying, but in the end he always does."
Harry took a deep breath at his confession. His heart was beating fast. He plucked the grass, deciding to keep the part about hearing Voldemort's laughter out. It was quiet for a moment. Harry dared not look at Snape. His face was feeling warm with shame. Harry wasn't used to talking about his emotions and dreams like that. It was always only him and Sirius… But then again, Harry never trusted Sirius enough to tell him about what went on at the Dursleys' house during the summer.
"It sounds like you need to accept what has happened, Potter, if you want those nightmares to stop," Snape finally answered. "You need to come to terms with Black's death. You have to understand that things like that just happen."
Harry bowed his head in embarrassment. Looking up from his fringe of black hair, Harry saw Snape looking down at him with a frown.
"I've always asked myself that same question when Lily died," Snape spoke softly.
Harry looked up at the mention of his mum.
"When our friendship fell apart, I kept thinking:what was the point?"
Snape's gaze traveled to a grazing doe in the distance.
"For years, when I was little, I was always alone. Until I met this beautiful girl, who became my best friend. She was the most important person in my life. Then time passed so quickly once we started Hogwarts. Before I knew it, we were grown up, and she was gone… And I was alone again."
The professor's gaze rested on Harry once more with a soft, understanding look. "Don't be ashamed of what you are feeling, kid."
Harry looked at him in surprise. How did Snape know he was feeling ashamed of his grief?
"I was just like you once…" Snape said. "I've lost so much… I kept asking myself: Why? Why did the universe allow me a best friend, only to lose her… But the world isn't always just happiness."
Snape put a hand on Harry's shoulder, who was so absorbed into listening to the professor, he didn't notice the parental gesture.
"There's always going to be dark paths we must endure before we find that happiness we all seek," Snape said with a serious gaze.
The professor's eyes were deep black pools. Harry realized that the usual coldness that lingered in those black depths was missing.
"These challenges that you're facing now, Potter, are what's going to shape you into a stronger person. Just know that you're not alone, everyone has to travel their own paths, and no one's paths are ever the same. Some are even darker than others'.
Like your own path, mine is dark. It was about losing my mother, my best friend, the father I've lost and the stranger he'd become. It was the abuse I've suffered from him. And even though all of that was horrible, I don't think I would be the person I am today. It changed me in ways, made me stronger.
And I'm starting to see that in you. You're different from when I've first met you, Potter, you're changing, growing stronger from the path you're walking on. And I hope one day you see that. One day you're going to reach the end of your dark path and enter the light. That means you'll be okay and your Godfather's death won't hurt as much."
Snape squeezed his shoulder briefly before letting go.
"I think you've been hanging around Dumbledore too much, sir." Harry grinned once he processed Snape's lecture.
"Well then, I give you permission to hex me if I start offering you lemon drops," Snape smirked.
Harry busted out laughing.
"Thanks, sir, for listening...it's just so hard sometimes... It's suffocating," Harry said, trying to find the right words to describe his grief.
"I know, Potter. One day, you'll come to accept your godfather's death and it won't be as hard anymore. Time just needs to heal your grief, and I promise you that you'll find happiness one day."
"Are you happy, sir? You've been through a lot too. Have you found your happiness?"
"I can tell you that I'm okay now. I'm in a good place, but I still feel the ache of loss. I still think about her, Potter, all the time. I'm not going to lie to you… I haven't found my true happiness which could take away that pain in my heart your mother has left me with."
"When you find it, sir, can you tell me? That way, I know that there's hope for me if you found your's?"
"Of course, Potter, I promise. I have an exercise that'll help you now."
"Proximity?" Harry groaned.
"No, meditation."
Harry groaned again.
"Come on now, Potter, give it a try. You might even like it. Dumbledore taught me this when I was your age. It helped a lot."
Harry nodded at Snape's meaningful glance. "Okay, I'll give it a try," he sighed.
.
.
The sun was going down, casting an orange glow to the treetops. Harry was poking the fire with his hiking stick as Snape cleaned up the dishes and food from their dinner. Harry had tried to help but the professor wouldn't have any of it and sent him off to amuse himself before bed.
Harry realized despite their rocky start, the rest of the day went pretty well. There were no more arguments besides the one in the early morning. Snape told him things about his childhood that he'd told no one besides Harry's mum. Harry actually felt touched that Snape trusted him enough with his secrets. It also scared him because since Snape opened up to him, Harry started feeling like, maybe, he could trust Snape. He could feel his mental wall that he worked so hard to keep up start to weaken. It was just that Harry was starting to see a side to Snape that he never knew existed, a person that had lost so much that Harry could relate to, and it scared him to death to let someone in after closing himself off from adults for so long.
"No s'mores tonight?" Snape asked as he sat down on the log with two hot butterbeers. He handed one to Harry who took it and blew at the steam rising out of the hot liquid.
"I'm still full from dinner."
"I did keep telling you to chew your food," the professor said with a raised eyebrow.
"Playing Quidditch and working on Potions homework gives me an appetite. I can't help that I was starving today," Harry laughed.
Snape shook his head in exasperation before taking a sip of his drink. Although, his eyes were bright with amusement.
Harry smiled a little. Lately, he'd begun to notice how much the professor had seemed to let go of his uptight mannerisms and let loose. It was strange at first to hear Snape laugh, to see him smile, but now Harry was used to seeing this new Snape and he liked it.
Suddenly, a long and mournful howl rang throughout the forest. Harry turned and looked at the trees around them. It was too dark. He couldn't see anything beyond the glow of the campfire.
"There aren't werewolves here, right?" Harry asked as he looked up at the moon, but to his relief, it wasn't full. Yet, judging by the size of the moon, it was going to be full tomorrow. He hoped Remus was in a good place to transform tomorrow night.
"Scared, Potter?" Snape smirked, there was a mischievous gleam in his eye, and Harry narrowed his eyes at the professor. He was instantly reminded of Draco Malfoy asking him that same question in second year; when Lockheart had that disastrous dueling club.
Seeing how spooked Potter was becoming, Severus saw his chance to scare him even more.
"Have you ever heard of the legend of Dean Lake?" Severus suddenly asked in a hushed voice.
Potter snapped his head up with a look of disbelief.
"Yeah, right, Professor, you're just trying to scare me. I've seen a bunch of horror movies with my cousin when my aunt and uncle weren't around. They were all clichés and predictable. None of that stuff really exists, does it?"
"Ah, but before you found out you were a wizard, I bet you thought werewolves, trolls and hags didn't exist, but they do. So how do you know if this legend could be true or not?"
Potter scoffed in disbelief. "Go on then, try me," he laughed.
"Are you sure, Potter? Because if you get spooked, I'm not letting you sleep next to me," Severus said in a mocking tone, earning himself an angry glare from the teen. He gave Potter his best wicked, Slytherin sneer and started his story.
"Wait! Don't start yet!" Potter suddenly shouted.
Severus watched him with a raised eyebrow as the teen ran to the picnic table, grabbed a marshmallow, graham crackers and a piece of chocolate in a napkin, and then sat back down on his spot. He stabbed the marshmallow onto his hiking stick and stuck it into the flames for a few seconds.
Once the marshmallow began to look toasty, Potter pulled it out of the flames and put the melted marshmallow between the crackers and chocolate. He looked up at Severus with a lopsided grin.
"Okay, I'm ready, sir."
Severus shook his head at the Gryffindor's shenanigans and started his story.
"There is a village not too far from the edge of this forest. It's a quiet, small village that you would never expect anything happening there at all. Decades ago, there was a woman with a small child, who was starving and sick. She tried to ask for help from the villagers but they turned her away. She had cried and begged them to at least save her daughter's life but no, the villagers still turned her away.
The woman was forced to camp out in the forest and find shelter. The night was cold, too cold for a sick child and so the child had passed away in her mother's arms. The woman was upset and blamed the villagers for not helping her. The villagers, you see, were muggles. The woman was almost a squib, but somehow all the grief she had for her dead child and anger for the villagers brought forth her weak, magical blood, and she sent a curse on the village. A dark curse that caused one child to die every month.
So as time went on, the villagers lost a child every month, and you could hear the cries of the mothers weeping for the death of their children. The villagers soon had enough and began to search the forest for the woman, but she was nowhere to be seen. The men who'd gone into the forest never ever returned. The forest was now cursed, anyone who entered it, never came out.
Months later, two wizards who were traveling, heard about this story. They thought it must be an old hag preying on the muggles. So they thought it would be fun to take care of the problem and become the village heroes. So, these two idiots set up camp, not very far from here actually, maybe a little closer to the lake, near those trees..."
Severus pointed at the line of trees behind the tent that led to the lake. Potter glanced at the lake, munching on his s'more's.
"After a whole day of searching for the murderer, which is quite stupid since murderers aren't going to suddenly show up in broad daylight, the two wizards set up camp. And after dinner, they started pulling out the fire whisky. Suddenly, they heard noises rustling in the trees and bushes. By then, they were too bloody wasted to notice the odd footsteps and the sound of someone dragging themselves on the dirt. Kind of like this…"
Severus slid his foot on the rocky forest ground, making a sound of something being dragged across the floor. Potter's eyes widened at the story. He leaned forward as Severus continued on.
I got him… Severus laughed to himself.
No doubt, James Potter would've been proud of Severus to pull a fast one on his son. He knew his old arch-enemy was rather fond of pranking.
"Suddenly a high-pitched scream rang throughout the trees, but the wizards couldn't figure out where it was coming from as the sound seemed to come from all around them. They jumped to their feet and lit their wands to see in the darkness. But nothing was there. They then decided to split up and look for the source of the noise, thinking it might be the hag.
The first wizard who took the direction opposite the lake didn't stand a chance. He was deep in the forest, whispers surrounded him. He turned around with his wand light, the only source of light he had. Again, he couldn't find out the direction of the whispers. It was coming from all around, until he heard a child laugh right behind him, and suddenly, he was being ripped to shreds by teeth. Laughter and whispers were the last thing he heard as he let out a bloodcurdling scream.
His friend who had gone to search by the lake heard the scream. He ran to the shore, his wand out, ready to throw curses at the unseen enemy. Suddenly, a splashing sound came from behind him. He turned around to see a figure coming out from the water. The wizard screamed at what he saw. Glowing red eyes, sharp yellow teeth and blood everywhere!"
Completely entranced, Potter leaned in and then suddenly jumped when there was a stirring in the bushes. The bushes rustled louder. Potter jumped to his feet, backing away to stand near Severus. Suddenly, an unusually large Hedgehog burst from the bushes, ran to the picnic table, grabbed their last bag of marshmallows and took off back into the forest.
Severus burst into laughter. "You have the most dangerous, terrifying, dark wizard and all his incompetent minions after you and you're brave enough to fight them back, but here you are, getting spooked over a bloody hedgehog!"
"I wasn't scared, I was just startled! And that thief stole my marshmallows!" the teen shouted as he sat back down.
Once Severus had stopped laughing with tears in his eyes and nearly on the floor, he asked, "Do you want to hear the rest of the story?"
"No, it wasn't even that scary," Potter huffed.
"Right," Severus laughed. "Well, how about an icebreaker game? You'll like it, and then after we can start getting ready for bed."
"Alright," Potter mumbled. "And I wasn't scared!"
"I believe you, Potter," Severus said, trying not to smile.
"Okay, so the game is two lies and one truth. You have to tell two lies and a true piece of information about yourself. I have to guess which one is true. The winner who guesses the most truths, wins."
"And what does the winner get?"
"The loser has to visit the village tomorrow and buy the winner a new bag of marshmallows," Severus said slyly.
Severus knew that would get the teen to cooperate. Potter was obsessed with those melted marshmallow treats. Good old blackmail never let Severus down before.
"I'm in!" Potter grinned.
"Okay, I'll go first," Severus volunteered, just to avoid an argument. He decided to start off small with the basic information about himself before revealing personal information.
"I hate the smell of chocolate, I've never owned a pet and my favorite color is blue."
"Hmm… This is difficult," Potter said as he thought about which one was true. "I can't imagine you liking any of those things, and you're always wearing black. I'm so torn..."
"Just pick," Severus growled.
"Okay, um… I'm going to say the chocolate is the truth, since I've never seen you eat anything that is sweet. And you won't even try my famous s'mores."
Severus snorted. "I'll never understand your strange fascination with that pointless snack food. And you're wrong, Potter."
The boy gaped, clearly taken aback. "Damn, okay so I'm guessing the truth is you've never owned a pet?"
Severus nodded.
"You've never owned a pet?" Potter gaped in surprise. "Not even when you were at Hogwarts?"
"Your turn, Potter." Severus tried to steer the conversation away from himself. So he'd never owned a pet. His mom was allergic to cats and dogs, and she hated birds. Why was this a big deal to the kid?
"Wait a minute, you love the smell of chocolate and your favorite color isn't blue? What is it?"
"Chocolate is the only sweet I eat, rarely… And my favorite color is green."
"Figures, Slytherin color."
"You don't get a point since you've guessed the wrong one, first. So now, it's your turn to go," Severus said, moving on from that topic
"Okay um, I hate treacle tart, I've never been to the beach, and this is my third time camping."
"You've got to try harder than that, Potter," Severus laughed. "The beach is the truth, and the other two are false. I've seen you gobble up treacle tart for the last five years now. You've never been to the beach before?"
"No, Professor, have you?"
"I did go with my mom a few times while growing up, but I haven't gone to the beach in years. If you like, we can go before the summer ends."
"Yeah, that sounds fun," Potter smiled.
Severus was glad to see the boy making progress on this trip. Sure he had his moments, but it was times like this that made this trip and all the stress Potter gave Severus, worth it.
"That's one point for me, Potter!" Severus smirked at Potter's groan.
And on they went, playing that game. Until it was getting late and a chill began to settle, causing Potter to shiver.
"I think it's time for bed," Severus said as he caught the teen yawning.
"Wait, who won?"
"I did."
"You don't even like marshmallows…" Potter complained, but he got up anyway.
"Sir?"
"Yes, Potter?"
"Do you think Sirius is watching us from wherever he is?" Potter asked quietly, as if he weren't sure if he should be asking Severus something like that. "Do you think he'll be okay with us spending time together and you…um, helping me? Cus, you know how he hated you and all?"
"I think, Potter, he'll be worried about you because you're alone, and then grateful that I'm here with you."
"Okay, do you think…?"
"Yes, Potter?"
"Um...do you think..." There was a long pause.
Severus waited for him to continue.
His voice full of hesitation, Potter finally mumbled, "Um, can we sleep with the lantern on a little tonight?"
"That's not what you were going to say…" Severus looked at the boy who was standing up now, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.
Severus thought whatever Potter was going to ask was probably important, but he didn't want to push him anymore. Severus didn't have the strength for an argument tonight. So he sighed inwardly and said, "Of course, Potter."
"Sirius!"
Sirius was there, fighting with Bellatrix. He pushed Harry out of the way and gave out his famous barking laugh when a stream of green light hit him in the chest. Harry could see the light leaving his eyes before he fell back and disappeared into the veil.
"Sirius!"
And suddenly, Sirius was there. Harry tried not to scream. Sirius' skin was white and gaunt. It stretched over his bones. Maggots were eating his flesh and his eyes were deathly white.
"Do you see what I am now? Because of you, boy," the corpse said hoarsely.
No, this isn't Sirius! Harry thought as the corpse stood in front of him. A look of disappointment etched onto its face. The white lifeless eyes glared down at him. There was no trace of the love and warmth Sirius always had for Harry.
"You're weak, boy! Pathetic and weak. You're a freak and no one wants you around!"
"No!" Harry shouted. "No, Sirius, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"
"You're a freak! Say you're a freak!" Aunt Petunia shouted at him, appearing out of nowhere and pointing at a mirror. Harry refused to look at it, he couldn't, he knew she'll be right.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you such a freak?!" Dudley asked, shoving him hard to the ground.
"You good for nothing freak!" a voice shouted, and Uncle Vernon was suddenly standing over him, his belt raised, ready to strike...
Harry gasped, his eyes snapped open. He was drenched in sweat. The light of the lantern was dimmed, so that it was still dark inside the tent. Harry grabbed a sweater and shoes before he stepped quietly out of the tent, careful not to wake a sleeping Snape.
Harry had no idea where he was going. Except that he just had to keep walking. He felt so suffocated. The pain in his chest was unbearable.
And Harry's thoughts were driving him crazy! He was tired of thinking how Sirius was disappointed in him. Tired of being called a freak by them, tired of feeling like they may be right. Maybe if Harry wasn't such a pathetic, good-for-nothing freak, then Sirius might still be alive.
Suddenly, Harry realized he was at the waterfall. In his anger and self-loathing, with their voices shouting freak in his head, he had managed to run up the steep hiking trail to this place. Harry looked down at the water falling below.
It would be so easy...so easy to just jump into those rocks. And everything would end. Snape was better off without him. Harry was just a burden to him anyways.
And Remus…well...wherever he was, Remus had his own problems instead of having to take care of some broken messed-up teenager. That was clear enough when he'd left without a goodbye...
Jump you freak! You don't deserve to live! You pathetic little shit! It's your fault your godfather's dead! You killed him with your freaky magic! You need to be punished!
Harry stepped closer, the water swirling around his feet and soaking his shoes. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Pleading for their voices to go away.
Harry just wished he was strong. He wished he wasn't broken inside. He wished the pain would just go away. Harry wished he was dead. He just needed to see Sirius again. He needed to say sorry. Sorry for everything, for the death of his parents, for causing Sirius to die…sorry for being a freak… Harry just wished it was all over. He opened his eyes, ready to jump, but he couldn't. He couldn't jump. And Harry hated himself for being a coward.
"I can't even kill myself," Harry muttered. "I can't even jump off a bloody cliff! How pathetic am I?!"
Anger swelled up in his chest as he grabbed a huge boulder and threw it across the clearing.
"Fuck!" Harry shouted. He shouted over and over again. Throwing things off the cliff, shouting himself hoarse.
Harry then picked his way down the small rocky trail leading down to the waterfall, the place where Snape had taken him. Harry sat on the flat boulder that jutted out over the water. If he couldn't kill himself, then he had to cut at least. Harry had to remain in control. He had to feel the pain. It was just too many emotions for him to bear. He couldn't handle it.
Screw Snape and his rules of not cutting!
Harry had enough of trying to please people and never being able to reach up to their standards. Harry took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together before picking up a sharp stick.
It was like something in him snapped. Like Harry was just watching himself do it without any control at all. Breathing hard, he pressed the stick to his wrist and scratched himself hard against his pale and marred skin. Harry watched the blood seep out from the self-inflicted wound for a few moments, then continued to cut himself over and over until the pain of the deep scratches began to soothe him, calming him down. Until he began to gain control of himself, and was able to breathe again. Harry didn't realize there were tears flowing down his cheeks. And when he did, Harry began to see what he was doing to himself.
Why am I doing this to myself? This is exactly why I'm so weak and messed up! I can't handle my life, and here I am cutting! The Dursleys are right! I am a fucking freak!
Harry wondered what Sirius would say if he knew. The look of disappointment on his godfather's face appeared in his mind. Guilt set heavily in his stomach. It made Harry want to throw up. He pulled the stick away from his arm as if it were something poisonous and flung it into the water.
Harry looked up at the lightened sky. Some stars were still visible, a sign that the sun was going to rise soon. He should get back before Snape wakes up. But Harry didn't move. He just sat there, thinking about his godfather. He wondered if Sirius was watching him. Harry wondered if he could hear him.
Maybe I should talk to him….
"Sirius? Are you there?" Harry immediately began to feel foolish. The sound of his voice rang around the clearing, but there was no one around to hear him. "I know I sound really stupid doing this, but I just need you…" Harry felt his voice crack with grief but he kept going. "I need to talk to you and I think this is the only way…."
The roaring sound of the waterfall soothed Harry as he tried to get his thoughts together.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything. It's my fault you died. My uncle was right to treat me like he did, because he saw the pathetic freak I am. I'm just so sorry and I don't know what to do… I hope you're up there somewhere with my parents. I hope you're with my dad again and watching over Remus instead of me. Remus is missing and he needs you."
Harry knew he was starting to ramble, but he didn't care. He just needed to talk and let everything out.
"I've never really been great at talking or anything like that… I just… The way I'm going and the people that I've hurt… I know I don't deserve Snape's help. I don't deserve to live after all the lives I've cost due to my recklessness… Despite how I feel, I promise I'm going to try, only for you.
I promise to try not to cut anymore, because everytime I do, I see you. I see your reaction if you shall ever find out about what I've done to myself. I've never wanted to lose you… I've never wanted you to die. But you did, and there's nothing I or anyone can do to change that. I still need you though… I still need you, but now I know I must learn to live without you. So I promise to change my ways. I promise I'll get along and talk with Snape, even though he can be a right git sometimes, but I promise, I'll try for you okay… I just hope you're up there and listening, because now I'm going to start living again… I promise, Sirius."
"You have a lot of explaining to do," a sudden silky and soft voice said.
Alarmed, Harry whipped around to see Snape standing behind him. He was dressed with his robes over his pajamas and his wand in his hand. Black eyes were glaring furiously at Harry before they traveled down to his arm. Harry gulped in fear and guilt as he covered his bloody arm with his right hand….
Review Answers!
Cynder2013: I felt the exact same way while I was working on the chapter! Then I realized, wait a minute… I'm the one writing it… soo …should I just slap myself? Lol
lifelong potterhead: good….good
Caraline Fisher: no I'm nice [ lol and thanks for reviewing. I always look forward to your reviews :)
Jamage: hey still glad you're keeping up with my story! :D and yeah not a good idea lol did you get scared of this chapter too? Severus' story was pretty crazy haha
SevHarry: I hope Remus doesn't kill Kaylie either, even though it wasn't looking good for him. I guess we are going to have to wait and see what happens :(
Thank you everyone for taking the time to review, favorite, and follow and even just taking the time to read my fanfic! I really appreciate it!