Chapter Twelve – Lost Child
WARNING: Mentions of child abuse, nothing too graphic. Also Mentions of Suicide, Depression and Self-Harm
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or even the rubber duck question I used.
Severus was racing through the trees. The soft white glow coming from his wand was his only source of light guiding him through the early morning darkness.
"Potter!" Severus called, the frustration and worry in his voice was clear.
I can't believe this! For the love of Merlin! Where are you?!
Severus was beyond angry to wake up and find the insolent brat gone. At first he had checked the bathroom, the lake, anywhere around their campsite, but nothing. He couldn't find any sign nor trace of the boy. Severus then decided to use his wand and mutter the Point Me spell, but because of all the magical wards surrounding them, the spell was pointless. Severus then decided to check all the hiking sites he had taken Potter to.
"Potter!" Severus shouted again. "Potter! You better show yourself right now if you know what's good for you!"
Severus was now racing up the steep slope that led to the waterfall. He had no idea why his conscience was telling him to check that place first. Maybe it was because of the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that Potter would want to seek refuge somewhere high, where he could find a way to… No... Severus didn't want to think of that possibility as to why Potter had run off. Severus had thought they were making progress. He thought the boy was starting to turn away from his suicidal/self-harm tendencies, but Severus had thought wrong. None of the wards were off, none of them showed any breach. No, Potter had wandered off on his own, and he was going to be in serious trouble once Severus got his hands on him!
The roar of the waterfall reached Severus' ears. Deciding to stop shouting Potter's name just in case he'll run off, Severus climbed the last few paces up the slope. He didn't see the missing teen near the waterfall, so Severus quietly stepped near the edge and looked down. Sure enough, he could see Potter's silhouette sitting on the rock that jutted over the water.
Severus made his way quietly to Potter who was looking up at the sky. He seemed to be talking but Severus was too far away to hear him. By the time he got there, Potter had finished the end of his sentence. Unable to control his anger and annoyance at the teen any longer, Severus growled in a dark silky voice, a voice he only reserved for Longbottom or Death Eaters.
"You have a lot of explaining to do."
Potter whipped immediately around, his mouth hanging open in shock. Severus quickly scanned him to see if he was alright. The boy seemed okay, although he looked like he'd been crying. Severus' eyes traveled down to his arms, where he discovered red blood streaming down from Potter's left arm. He glared at the blood, taking in the long, thin gashes before meeting Potter's eyes. Severus forced himself to breathe and count to ten. He knew if he shouted and scolded him, things would end badly.
"You have two minutes to explain yourself, Potter. Merlin, help me, if you don't have a perfectly good reason for wandering off without telling me!"
"I... I had a nightmare," Potter said quietly, covering up his arm. The blood was seeping through his fingers.
I better take care of that before he bleeds to death!
"Give me your arm!" Severus demanded, seething in anger.
Potter shook his head and Severus didn't know whether he should scream in frustration or not.
"There's no point in hiding it. Give me your arm before you bleed to death!" Severus snapped.
Potter glared at Severus with angry green eyes before thrusting his bloody arm towards him.
"You have no right being the one who's angry!" Severus shouted as he grabbed Potter's arm and began to magically heal the long gashes. "You know exactly what you've done!"
Once Severus performed a cleansing charm to clean the blood off Potter's skin, the teen ripped his arm away from Severus and held it close to himself.
"Explain yourself," Severus growled. "Now!"
"I just needed air!" Potter shouted defensively. "Can't I just have two minutes alone without you breathing down my neck?"
"Absolutely not! And you know why!" Severus shouted. He gestured at Potter's newly healed arm. "Because that is what happens when you're left on your own!"
Potter looked away with his jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed.
Severus' patience was gone, his temper was getting the best of him. He grabbed Potter by the scruff of his collar, forcing him to stand. "Look at me when I'm speaking to you!"
"I've had enough of your insolent stubbornness. You and your father both lack consideration for the feelings of others! When I found you gone, a million things went through my mind of what might've happened to you! If you needed air, you could've let me know where you were going! You could've simply gone down to the lake, Potter!" Severus shouted. "But did you think of any of those things? No! Because you're too pigheaded to think properly!"
Potter flinched violently at Severus' words. Seeing that, Severus let him go and Potter stepped back.
"I'm sorry, sir," Potter mumbled.
"What was that? I didn't hear your apology due to your unintelligible mummer!"
"I said, I'm sorry, Professor Snape! You're right! I should've let you know where I was before wandering off and I'm sorry for scaring you!"
The apology might've been full of anger, but Severus accepted it either way.
"Why did you cut yourself up?" Severus asked, trying to force the anger out of his voice.
"I don't know, sir. It just happened."
"I'm not accepting that as an answer!" Severus snapped.
"Well, what do you want to hear? That I had another nightmare? That I'm so pathetic, that I couldn't handle it, so I cut myself?" Potter shouted.
"Don't you dare speak to me like that, Potter!"
"Oh and you can?"
"Your attitude has got to stop!" Severus shouted as he took a menacing step towards Potter. He raised his hand, only to force the boy to look at him. Potter flinched violently.
Severus looked at Potter and stepped away, realizing his mistakes. He was handling this wrong. Anger and shouting was only pushing Potter away. Severus had let his temper get the best of him. He had to calm down, he had to try harder because he didn't want this. He didn't want Potter to think of him as abusive. Then Severus realized it. The reason why Potter couldn't trust him. It made sense, perfect sense, and Severus couldn't understand why he didn't see it before.
"Potter, tell me, why did you react the way you just did right now?"
The teen stepped away and shook his head. "It's stupid," he said quietly.
"Try me," Severus growled in frustration.
Potter shook his head. He sat down on the rock, facing the water with his back towards Severus.
"I don't want to talk about it," Potter said.
Severus sighed. The anger in him had finally faded away, only to be left with anxiety, stress and concern for his charge.
Taking a deep breath, Severus sat next to Potter so that his feet were hanging over the rock, barely touching the cold water underneath.
"I have my suspicions, Potter."
The boy didn't answer... He had taken a sudden interest in the waterfall. Potter's gaze attached to the thunderous water as if his very life depended on it. So, Severus took that as a cue to go ahead and speak.
"You distrust me because you associate me with your uncle. You've told me that much. But why, is my question and I think that answer is because you're afraid. You fear that I'll become abusive just like him. I am now your temporary guardian at the moment, and the only experiences you've had with your past guardians is the abuse you've suffered from them."
"Am I correct to assume this of you?" Severus asked softly.
Potter gave the tiniest of nods.
"I know you're not like them," Potter whispered. "I keep telling myself that over and over... I don't know what's wrong with me. Every time you shout at me or when you stand too close or raise a hand near me, I see Uncle Vernon."
"I am not your uncle. I'll never hurt you like that, ever. Potter, I hope you're now realizing that what he did to you wasn't merely just punishments, it was abuse."
"No, sir. I deserved it! I was a burden to him. I was always getting into trouble."
"How about you tell me a time where you misbehaved and you were punished. I'll tell you a story about my father as well. That way you know something personal about me too."
Potter looked at him. Severus could see the pain and confusion in his eyes. Here sitting next to him was a child, so lost and hurt, who grew up knowing nothing but abuse and pain.
That used to be me… You are lost right now, Harry, but you must trust me. I can help you find your way….
Severus so much wanted to say those words to Lily's son. To comfort the teen, and make sure he knew he was once loved by his parents. But right now, Severus had to make Potter trust him. Even if that meant revealing some of the horrors of his own past.
Potter nodded. His full attention was now on Severus who realized that the teen was always eager to learn about Severus' childhood.
"I was maybe eight or nine," Severus began. His hands trembled slightly at the memory.
"My parents were arguing in the living room. I was in my bedroom. Suddenly, my door banged open and my father was there shouting at me. I still remember his eyes. They were bloodshot and his breath reeked with alcohol. He grabbed me by my neck and slammed me against the wall. I don't remember all he was telling me. I just remember that I couldn't breathe and he was shouting and calling me names. He then let me go and started beating the hell out of me. That was all I remember before passing out. When I woke up the next day, he'd told me that it was for not washing the dishes correctly. He'd told me it was my fault for not doing that chore to his standards, which caused him to fight with my mother." The pain was still there. Severus had worked so hard to overcome it but it came rushing back, raw and powerful. It came out in his voice and it made his hands tremble even more. Potter noticed this, he grabbed one of Severus' trembling hands in his own to steady it.
"Was that the worst punishment from your father?" Potter asked Severus who was staring down at Potter's hand holding his own in shock.
"No," Severus said, tearing his eyes away from their hands to admire the waterfall instead as he continued. "And that wasn't a punishment, Potter. Even though he said it was, that is not how you punish a child. I didn't do anything to deserve that. It was straight out abuse on my father's part."
Potter didn't say anything for a while. "I'm guessing it's my turn now?"
Severus nodded. He pulled his hand away from the teen and stuffed them inside the pockets of his robes.
"Okay, well… I was four, I think. Like you, I didn't wash the dishes right either. There were spots on the glasses and my aunt threw a fit. She made me wash them again with scalding hot water. My uncle got mad when I was crying because the water was burning my hands and he'd said if I didn't stop crying, he was going to show me what a real burn felt like. But I couldn't stop crying. I was little…he was angry and he put my hand on the burner." Potter said this all in a rush. As if he was trying to get the whole story out before he changed his mind.
Severus gaped at him, then caught himself just in time and composed himself. He wasn't expecting something that serious from Potter just yet.
"Did you think you deserved that?" Severus asked his ward, trying to keep his face mutual. Rage was roaring inside him, fighting to break free….
Those filthy monsters! How dare they lay a hand on Potter! How dare they hurt my best friend's son!
Potter shrugged, his eyes were now on his hands. He was looking at them as if he were remembering the pain he had endured, the fear….
"I...I didn't wash the dishes right. I couldn't stop crying. If only I had just followed my uncle's orders, then I wouldn't have had my hands burned. So...yeah, it was just a punishment."
"Wrong, Potter. You were four! How can anyone expect a four year old to wash dishes properly? Also, any decent parent would know it's impossible to expect a young child to stop crying when they're in pain! You were only four! And you didn't deserve that. It was not a punishment. It was abuse."
Potter opened his mouth to protest, but Severus beat him to the punch.
"Don't you dare say you deserved it! Don't you dare look at me and tell me you deserved to be hurt like that! No. Child. Deserves. That! Those muggles are the freaks, Potter! Not you! Those muggles are the ones who are messed up. They deserve a lifetime in Azkaban for what they've done to you!"
"No, sir, you're wrong. You weren't there… And Aunt Petunia tried to help me before you took me from Privet Drive."
"I've noticed, but that has been only recent hasn't it? Answer me, Potter, where was your aunt when Dursley had your hand over the burner?"
Potter looked at him before looking away. Severus knew the boy was thinking about his question.
"Potter, do you think my father abused me or do you think I deserved to be hit?"
"No, sir, I didn't think you deserved that."
"What if I told you a similar story? What if I told you that my father had done the exact same thing to me? He put my hand over the burner. Do you think I deserved that? Even though, maybe I was bad that day?"
"No, sir."
"Then why do you think you deserved that?"
"Because I'm a freak, okay! I deserved what I got because I was so fucking bad that the only way they could handle me was to beat me!" Potter shouted. "Every day when I was a kid, that's all I've ever heard! That I was a freak! And I tried not to believe it, I had tried really fucking hard!" He now jumped up to his feet, pacing on the flat rock. Severus watched Potter's movements with wariness.
"What do you want from me? To just forget it all? Forget everything they've drilled into my mind since the day I arrived at that fucking house!? That's how I grew up! That's all I know!"
Angry tears were now coming down Potter's cheeks. He wiped them away in frustration.
"Then it's time I show you that they were wrong, Potter. You didn't deserve their abuse. So give me a chance to drill that into your mind!" Severus said in frustration. He swore he was starting to sound like a broken record. How many times had Severus told this boy that he didn't deserve to be abused! Merlin!
"Do you know what it meant for me when Uncle Vernon was in a pissed off mood? Do you know what it meant for me when Dudley got me in trouble? Or when Aunt Petunia was annoyed by my very existence?!" Potter went on, as if Severus hadn't just spoken.
Severus tried to say something, but the angry Gryffindor cut him off.
"You don't know what it meant, because you weren't there to see that I deserved it! I'm a bad person! A freak! You may have had a rotten childhood as well, Professor, but you weren't bad like me. That's why you didn't deserve to be abused, because you were a good kid with a rotten father. Where I was just ungrateful and undisciplined who did strange things! I deserve the abuse! I was abused, Professor, and I deserved it!" Tears were now flowing down Potter's face as he spoke the last few words. It was as if he was just realizing how true they were to him.
No, that is not true, child! How can you ever think that! No wonder you are so depressed, confused and mentally exhausted….Damn, look what you've done to your sister's son, Petunia! This is it... Severus thought. It was only a matter of time before Potter lost control of his emotions.
Severus could now understand what Potter had been hiding. All of it. The reason why the kid couldn't trust Severus. The reason why Potter flinched every time Severus touched him. Why Potter was always putting himself down all the time, truly believing he deserved to be hit and not accepting it as abuse.
It was because Potter's self-esteem was so low, to the point that he saw himself as someone who deserved nothing but pain and humiliation, who was worth nothing. Thanks to those stinking muggles who raised Potter into believing that.
And now that Severus was Potter's new guardian, even temporarily, Potter expected nothing from him but abuse. And if Severus even proved Potter wrong, the boy would always have that doubt, that overwhelming fear, that if he grew too close to Severus, if Potter opened up and talked to him, in the end he would get hurt rather by Severus' hand or a cruel fate just like Sirius Black.
But there's no need to be afraid, Harry. I won't hurt you nor am I going anywhere. I wish you can see that!
Severus quickly stood up and without thinking, he pulled the teen into his arms. Potter yelled out in fear and frustration. After flinching violently from Severus' touch, Potter began to fight against the sudden embrace. After a few seconds, the energy in Potter seemed to have gone out. He then did something that surprised Severus, Potter hugged him back. It was as if he were clinging onto Severus for dear life. Tears were soaking into Severus' robes as Potter cried harder.
Once the teen finally stopped crying, Potter let go of Severus and wiped away his tears. He briefly looked up at the professor before stepping back, training his gaze on the rock they were standing on.
"I'm sorry, sir," Potter mumbled shamefully.
"No, Potter," Severus said. "Don't you dare apologize! You didn't do anything wrong. You had to let that happen. I prefer your outbursts rather than you holding them in."
The boy nodded, still looking ashamed of his episode.
Severus sighed and gently lifted Potter's chin so he could look at him. Those green eyes were full of fear. Fear in finally deciding to trust Severus, maybe? Or was he afraid that Severus was going to hit him?
"There's no need to be afraid. I'm never going to lay a hand on you. I give you my word, Potter, to treat you as if you were my own. There's also no need to fear that you'll lose me like you did with your godfather, because I'm not going anywhere. Now, you just have to do your part and trust me, kid."
Severus expected the boy to look away and mutter his reply or glare at him or even yell, but no… Potter stared back at him with determination in his eyes.
"I want to and I'll try to trust you, Professor," Potter said in a clear and loud voice.
Severus couldn't help but smile. "That's what I've been waiting to hear from you. Come, let's get back to camp. I don't know about you, but I could use a strong cup of coffee right about now."
"Professor," Potter said, before they began the walk back to their campsite. "You can call me Harry, if you like. Potter is so professional, and if I'm going to be staying at your house for the summer then I think we should be on a first name basis."
Severus turned and looked at the teen curiously before replying, "If that is what you wish, I don't see any reason why not."
Potter grinned as Severus went on, "And if you prefer calling me Severus, other than professor or sir when we're not at Hogwarts, then you may."
"Severus is a bit of a mouthful," Potter laughed. "Can't I call you Sev?"
Severus looked at Potter… No… Harry… He was Harry now… It was so strange, but what was even stranger was the boy coming up with the name Sev. Only one person had ever called him that, and that person was Lily.
Severus gave Harry a small wistful smile. "You don't know how very much you're like your mother sometimes."
The walk back was quiet. And even though they left in better spirits, Harry's mood was growing darker and darker that he barely noticed the light of the sun rising over the treetops. Harry fell back a little behind the professor. He still couldn't believe he'd said all those things to Snape... Severus... He was Severus now...
Harry couldn't explain what has been happening between them lately. Only a few weeks ago Severus was Snape, the Potions Professor who had it out for Harry since day one. But now...now he's Severus… The only adult who knew about Harry's punishments beside Dumbledore. Severus, who was now a temporary guardian to Harry, who Harry promised he'll try to trust him.
I'm just a problem to him now… Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were right. I'm just a freak who darkens people's doorsteps. Severus doesn't deserve this… I should've just jumped off that bloody cliff when I had the chance. That way I'll be doing him a favor…and everyone else for that matter...
Surprised at his own thoughts, Harry wondered where that came from. Didn't he just talk it all out with Severus? Why did he still feel like this? Like he didn't deserve another chance? Severus didn't even give him a proper punishment, all he did was shout until his voice was hoarse.
"Harry, stop dawdling!" Severus barked as he stopped to let him catch up. Harry realized he was far behind the professor now. Once he'd caught up to him, Harry noticed the grim expression on the professor's face.
Of all places to run to, it had to be up the highest hiking trail... Harry thought as he focused on not tumbling down the steep hill. He couldn't even remember how he'd managed to run up here.
It seemed like Severus was thinking the same thing. "Let's take a break for now," the professor said as he sat down on a large log.
Too tired to argue, Harry sat on the log beside him, a few lengths away.
It was quiet for a while. Harry looked down at his feet. He could feel Severus' gaze on him. Harry wished he would stop that, stop acting like he was some great mystery to solve.
"I'm going to ask you something, Harry, and I want you to answer truthfully."
"Okay..." Harry didn't like the sound of this.
"Why did you leave this morning? Why was it the waterfall you chose to go to?"
"I told you, Professor, I had nightmares and I needed air."
"There are other places you could've gone for air."
Harry shrugged his shoulders. Not wanting to tell Severus the truth. That Harry was going to kill himself. He had been thinking about it for a while. Who would miss him anyways? He was just a burden to Severus… Just a pawn to Dumbledore… Just a name to the wizarding society.
"Even though you won't say it, I think I know why you went up there. Don't you think I know why you've decided to cut yourself up instead?"
"Sir, I…."
"No, Harry. I was going to wait until we got back to camp, but I'm afraid this can't wait any longer," Severus said in a serious tone. "Close your eyes."
Harry nodded suspiciously and closed his eyes.
"Imagine that you went through with it. If you had jumped, tell me, what do you think might've been the outcome?"
"I would see my parents again…. I would be with Sirius..."
"No, how do you think your friends, the Weasleys or even your werewolf would react if you would've done it?"
Harry thought of the way Remus had left for his mission without any word. How he and Sirius had promised to Harry that they'll always be there for him if he should ever need them and Harry's throat closed up, he swallowed his grief away. They were both gone now...leaving Harry alone to hold onto their broken promise... But oh, how he missed Sirius deeply and how scared he was for Remus... Remus, where are you? Are you alive? Please still be alive... We didn't get to say goodbye... We didn't even get to talk about Sirius... Were you hurting over his death as I was? Now, I'll never know... Why didn't you say goodbye?
"They won't care, sir."
Remus and Sirius didn't care enough to keep their promise….
"Don't be a fool, Potter! Think about their reactions. Even if you're too stubborn to see it, they really do care for you."
Harry squeezed his eyes shut, imagining the good times he had with his friends. The times he'd spent at the Burrow, the talks he had with Remus... Severus was right. It would be selfish for Harry to kill himself, because he was the only one who could defeat Voldemort. What kind of person would he be to kill himself and leave the burden on Neville's shoulders? He wouldn't want anyone to deal with this. If Harry had killed himself and if Neville failed, then Voldemort would win. And the people he cared about would suffer for it in the end.
"If I die, then everyone I know will suffer because I will leave them with Voldemort. If I die, Voldemort wins," Harry said quietly. "That's the only outcome I see, if I would've jumped."
"No, Harry, fuck..." Severus muttered a few more swear words while Harry wondered what he said wrong. All he did was speak the truth.
"That's not what I meant. You do have a small point. If you kill yourself, the Dark Lord wins because that is what he wants of you. Just because you're who the prophecy refers to, it doesn't mean you're the only one who can defeat him. You have us, Dumbledore, and the Order to help you. You're not alone to fight this war. However, what I meant is that if you would've succeeded tonight, everyone would be truly upset. The Weasleys, your friends, Lupin, they would all grieve for you. You must see that you're in fact loved."
"No they wouldn't! No one cares for a freak! Freaks don't get to have a family or friends! Freaks don't deserve to have people who care!" Harry repeated Aunt Petunia's words.
"Harry, look at me."
Harry held in the torrent of emotions that were threatening to explode. The memories were suddenly taking over. They were fast and harsh.
Petunia shouting the name freak at him. Uncle Vernon's hand raised, ready to strike.
Harry couldn't look at Severus.
Aunt Petunia was shouting at him. Telling him that freaks don't deserve hugs. Freaks don't deserve to have parents or be loved. Uncle Vernon was shouting at Harry: you are nothing but a waste of space, a burden to anyone you cross paths with!
Tears threatened to spill. If Severus even knew what Harry really was…. A gentle hand suddenly lifted his chin up.
"You are not a freak. Repeat it to me, now!"
Harry shook his head, "I can't..."
"Say it!"
"I'm not…I'm…." Tears were now pouring down fast and warm. He couldn't do it. At a very young age, Harry was trained to call himself a freak. Aunt Petunia used to make him stand in front of the mirror before school sometimes or when he'll get into trouble.
"You're not alone, kid, I'm here... I'm here and I will help you," Severus said in that soothing voice. "Say it with me now, Harry. I am not a freak."
Harry sobbed harder and shook his head. The memory became clearer in his mind .
Harry was eight, staring at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were bright-green and full of tears from pain. He had just gotten into trouble for talking to Dudley. Dudley screamed at Harry and started crying to his mom. Aunt Petunia then shouted at Harry for disturbing her baby with his freaky ways.
"Aunt Petunia, she wouldn't want me to say that professor," Harry finally managed to say.
"Why not?"
"Whenever I got into trouble she would make me stand in the mirror and say: I'm a freak; until she was satisfied that it was drilled into my head. Sometimes I would have to say: I'm a freak and freaks don't deserve to eat. Freaks don't deserve to play with other children! Freaks don't deserve to have bedtime stories! Freaks don't deserve to go to the park! Freaks don't deserve to have new clothes! Freaks don't deserve to exist!" Harry shouted. Each sentence was louder than the one before. His whole body was shaking.
"Now do you see why I'm so bloody messed up?!"
"Harry, you're hurting yourself! Let go of your arms!"
Harry looked down to see himself scratching at his arms. It seemed like accidental magic had broken the infant charm again.
"Just leave me alone, Professor," Harry muttered. "I'm nothing but a freak. A bad kid! That's what I am and once you've realized that, I know you'll leave in the end. They always do..."
"Rest assured, Harry, I'm not going anywhere." Severus had sat up from the log and knelt down on the leafy forest ground so that he was eye level with Harry. He held down Harry's arms to prevent him from scratching himself again.
"What your aunt made you do was unspeakable. Now, I understand why you can't accept the reality of you not being a freak. You were only a young child when she made you do that. I understand it's all you know, but now you have to ask yourself: Is that really how I see myself?"
Harry looked away from the Potions Professor. He could feel his cheeks reddened in shame and embarrassment.
"No, look at me, Harry, because I want you to listen and understand what I'm telling you. You are not a freak. I've said this once before and I'm going to keep saying it. I don't ever want to hear you call yourself that for now on. I don't want to hear how you don't deserve to be loved or happy. I don't want to hear it, because those things aren't true!"
Harry scowled. Snape was being a git! Why couldn't he just see he was wrong? Why couldn't he accept that Harry didn't want to talk about this anymore?
"But I am, professor! Why can't you just let this go! Just leave me alone! Why do you even bother with me? It's not like you even care anyways! You've never did, and now all of sudden you do?!"
"I'm not letting this go!" Severus shouted. He abruptly stood up and pointed his wand in the air. "Speculo!"
A large circular mirror appeared out of thin air, floating a few feet off the ground. Harry could see their reflections in it. He could see Severus standing there and himself sitting on the log, looking disheveled and upset.
"Tell me, what do you see?" Severus ordered.
"I see you standing there, and I'm sitting," Harry mumbled. He was unsure of what to say. He gave Severus a questioning look, thinking the professor had gone crazy or mad or something.
"Obviously... I want you to look at yourself and tell me what you see," Severus said in exasperation, as if he were thinking this was the easiest thing in the world.
"Okay…um…" Harry took a closer look at himself. He wanted to say that all he saw was a freak. A pathetic, lost looking-freak, but he knew Severus didn't want to hear that. So he looked closer at himself. Harry saw nothing but his face, his messy black hair, his green eyes behind round glasses.
Harry was about to say that he couldn't see anything, but then a flashback went through his mind.
Five year old Harry was standing in front of the mirror. It was when Aunt Petunia first made him call himself a freak at his own reflection, but he didn't see the freak she'd called him. No, Harry saw a lost and scared kid, who had no idea why he had to do this, had no idea why he was singled out to be hurt and punished by the Dursleys. Harry remembered how much he had resisted believing he was a freak at first, but as time went on, Harry began to lose the fight. He began to believe those words, that he...Harry...was a freak….
Harry looked closer at his reflection as Severus waited patiently for him to answer his question. Harry observed his messy black hair, it was more messy than usual. His green eyes behind his round glasses were unnaturally bright. Every time Harry looked in the mirror, he always saw the freak Aunt Petunia had forced him to call himself. But this time, he didn't see the freak. Harry saw the lost little kid he used to be when he was five years old, the kid who used to fight back. The kid Harry lost as he grew up.
"I see a lost kid," Harry whispered. A lost little kid, who doesn't know why his aunt and uncle hurt him….
"I see that too." Severus waved the mirror away with a flick of his wand and sat down next to him. "I don't see a freak, I only see you."
"I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if I can be that kid I used to be," Harry said quietly. Slow, warm tears began to make their way down his cheeks once again and he suddenly felt hot anger towards his relatives because Harry realized one thing, if he ever had to get them back for what they'd done, then all he had to do was stop believing he was a freak and find himself. Find that lost kid and move on, be happy. It was what Sirius would want, and his parents too… And Harry had just promised Sirius that he would try.
So enough feeling sorry for yourself! Harry berated himself.
Harry wiped his tears away, looked Severus deep in the eye and said, "I'm going to try, Professor, even though it's not easy. I just feel…like my world is falling apart. I keep having these memories, and now I can't keep myself together. I can't do it anymore. They're still haunting me. They're still in my head, shouting at me that I'm a freak. I'm everything that's terrible in their lives. And I don't know if I can listen anymore... I don't know if I can go on like this. That's why I was there, Severus. I was going to jump...I was… But then I don't know why I couldn't. Maybe it was Sirius' voice in my head telling me to stop... I don't know… But…I'm just I…I..." Harry didn't know what to say anymore. He looked away from the professor. He was so mentally exhausted, he just couldn't think anymore. "I promise I'll try and be happy, I promise I'll let you help me," he whispered.
"Of course I'll help you, Harry, You're not alone in this. I promise you'll find your happiness. And I'll be there every step of the way." Severus gave his shoulder a small squeeze of reassurance. Harry, for once, didn't flinch away. It was something that surprised him so much, he let out a small smile.
Maybe I'll be okay….
.
.
The rest of the day was filled with finishing the last of Harry's homework, tutoring lessons for Potions and some more swimming in the lake. Harry expected Severus to still be angry at what he'd done, but it seemed like the professor had let his anger go. The only thing that annoyed Harry to no end was that now, Severus had declared Harry on suicide watch. That meant Severus was always making sure Harry was in his line of sight even if he had to go to the bathroom.
Harry was currently floating on his back in the lake, his gaze drifted up to the cloudless sky. He couldn't believe that just hours ago, Harry was ready to jump. He was ready to just let go and give it all away. He wasn't even sure what stopped him. Harry still had the feelings of grief over Sirius' death, and the pressure of ridding the wizarding world of Voldemort. He still felt like a freak even though he got a glimpse of the kid he used to be. It was just too much for one teenager to bear.
It was going to take a lot of work to overcome this deep depression Harry had fallen into.
When did I get like this? How did this happen? Harry wondered. Why do I feel like this all the time? Why can't I just be happy? Normal?
Everything just felt so out of control and that was why Harry wanted to jump. He was just tired. His mind was always full of his thoughts, to the point where he couldn't sleep at night. And when he did manage to sleep, Harry was plagued with nightmares. His heart felt like it had broken into pieces. His very soul had felt like it was covered in ice, and he just felt so cold and heavy all the time. Sometimes, when Harry was with Severus, he would notice the way the professor would look at him, like he knew what Harry was feeling, and he just hoped with all of his heart that Harry was right in trying to trust Severus because if anything should happen, if Severus betrayed his trust, Harry didn't think he would be able to go through that pain.
"Harry, come out of the water now! The sun is about to go down!" Severus shouted. Harry groaned before he began to swim towards shore. It was strange, the Dursleys never taught Harry to swim but somehow in fourth year, he was able to pick up the technique during the second task of the Triwizard Tournament.
It was that year when everything began to change for Harry. That year, Voldemort had come back. That year, Cedric Diggory had died right in front of him. That year, Uncle Vernon's abuse became tougher due to Harry screaming in his sleep. Harry couldn't even remember the innocent kid he used to be before fourth year. Harry was just lost, he truly had no idea who he was anymore.
Harry began to wonder what would happen if he just stopped swimming right now. If he just sank to the bottom and let everything go. Let death do its job and take him into the arms of Sirius and his parents, but no…he had to stop thinking those thoughts. Harry made a promise to not only Sirius, but also to Severus.
So, Harry forced himself to keep going.
To keep fighting.
Keep living….
Thunder echoed through the forest, along with the howling of the swirling wind and rustling of the trees, but that's not what woke Severus up at two in the morning. No, it was pain that burned hot and sharp, instantly waking him. At first, Severus had no idea where it was coming from, until he looked at his forearm. The Dark Mark branded into his skin was causing his blood to boil in his veins, like hot, racing lava. It was dark. The snake was moving, and his whole arm was sheering, red hot.
No… The Dark Lord is calling….
It had to be important for it to burn this hot, to burn this sharply.
Severus shakily got to his feet. He lit the lantern to brighten up the tent. He then quickly pulled on his black, billowing robes and rinsed his face from a summoned bowl of water. Severus had to leave right away, but first, he must take Harry somewhere safe. The Weasleys would have to do….
Severus grabbed Harry's rucksack stuffed all of his clothes and belongings in it before waking the boy.
"Harry… Harry, come on now, kid, wake up."
"Severus?" Harry asked sleepily. "What's going on?"
"There's no time to explain, get up. I'm taking you to the Weasleys."
Severus gave Harry his packed rucksack and broomstick. He grabbed the boy's hiking stick and whispered, "Portus." The stick glowed blue. "Take this," Severus said, handing him the portkey.
"No, why are you sending me away? What's going on?"
"I'll explain later, Harry. Take the portkey!" Severus growled.
"You're not coming with me?" Harry said, stricken as he fully registered what was going on, the sleepy tone in his voice completely fading away.
"No, but I promise I'll pick you up soon."
"How long is soon?"
Severus didn't reply. He had no idea how long the Dark Lord was planning to have him there or how long it would take for him to recover. At the rate of pain the Dark Mark was causing him, the Dark Lord was furious. When Severus' Dark Mark burned this hot, he always ended up coming back to Hogwarts shaken and hurt from the Dark Lord's wrath.
Harry seemed to read that silence as: Severus was going to be gone for a long while. He grabbed Severus' arm. His green eyes were full of panic and fear. It reminded Severus of himself when he was a small child, when his mom would leave him alone at the house with his father. Severus would cry, afraid, because he'd thought she would never come back.
"Please, don't go, Severus! Please!" Harry shouted.
Severus shook the memories away. He did not have time for this. The Dark Lord was becoming angrier every second Severus wasted. He pulled Harry's hand off of him roughly. The boy flinched but Severus pretended not to notice as he closed Harry's hand around the portkey.
Severus looked straight into Harry's eyes. "I will come back for you. Just trust me!" he promised, letting go, and the frightened teen was gone.
Taking a deep breath, Severus closed his eyes. He had to secure his mental barriers to keep the Dark Lord out. He had to swallow the guilt for sending Harry away so abruptly. The fear in the boy's eyes hurt Severus worse than the Dark Mark because he knew Harry was only beginning to trust him.
When the time came for Severus to pick him up, he feared if Harry would even want to be with him again. Harry might be seeing this as a betrayal. Severus had worked so hard to earn Harry's trust and now this had to happen! After a few more moments of strengthening his mental shields, Severus was ready for the inevitable pain coming his way.
The first few raindrops were hitting the tent roof above him as Severus began to undo a few wards to allow him to Apparate. He hoped that Harry made it to the Burrow without getting soaked. The sound of the upcoming storm promised a heavy summer rain. It seemed to fit Severus' mood as he Apparated away to face the wrath of Lord Voldemort.
Harry landed hard on the ground in front of the Burrow. It was pouring. Rain water soaked through his pajamas. Anger settled hot and heavy in his stomach. He couldn't believe what Severus had done. Harry didn't know why he was sent here or if Severus would even come back. And now, Harry was standing outside the Burrow in the pouring rain, soaked and freezing.
I must look bloody pathetic! Harry thought, picking up his rucksack, broomstick and hiking stick before he made his way to the Burrow.
As Harry knocked on the door, he wondered if the Weasleys were even up or if they even knew he was coming. Harry then realized that Severus still had his wand. What if something happened? What if Death Eaters attacked and Harry would be defenseless? Another surge of anger directed at the Potions Master made Harry clench his jaw and glare at the wooden door in front of him.
"State your name!" a voice shouted over the sound of thunder and the steady drumming of the rain.
Taken aback, Harry shouted, "Harry Potter!"
I hope you're happy, Snape! I'm standing out here in the bloody rain!
The door opened barely a crack, revealing Mr. Weasley, who was dressed in pajamas and with his wand out as he asked, "What was the first question I asked Harry Potter when we first met?"
"Um…" Harry took a moment to remember. "What is the function of a rubber duck?"
Mr. Weasley smiled and lowered his wand. "Sorry, Harry, I have to take precautions. These are dark times we are in."
"Understood, Mr. Weasley," Harry sighed in relief. Mr. Weasley was not someone you would want to have pointing a wand at you.
"Come on in, Harry! Let's get you out of the rain! Molly is going to throw a fit when she sees how soaked you are!" Mr. Weasley said after giving him a brief fatherly hug.
"Did Dumbledore send you here?" Mr. Weasley asked as he let Harry in and closed the door behind them. Harry leaned his hiking stick near the door along with his broomstick and placed his rucksack on the floor.
"No it was Professor Snape, it's a long story," Harry said
"Professor Snape? What happened to him?"
Before Harry could reply, however, he was suddenly attacked by a furious motherly embrace. And he hoped to Merlin that Mrs. Weasley didn't feel his flinch from the unexpected human contact.
"Harry!" Mrs. Weasley exclaimed, instantly letting him go with a concerned look on her face, showing Harry she'd felt it. Thankfully, she was tactful enough to not mention anything.
"Heavens, you're soaked to the bone!" Mrs. Weasley pulled out her wand and casted a drying and warming charm on Harry. Warmth suddenly spread all the way to Harry's toes and fingertips. His pajamas were now warm and dry.
"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley," Harry grinned.
"Oh, it's no trouble at all, dear! Sit down, while I make you a cup of tea. Are you hungry?"
"Um, the tea is fine. I had a big dinner before I went to bed."
Mrs. Weasley began to set up the tea kettle as Mr. Weasley sat down, waiting for an explanation. Harry wasn't sure what to tell him. How was Harry supposed to tell the Weasleys that the reason why he was with Severus was because he was being mistreated by his relatives? After a few moments of Harry racking his brain for ways to explain why he was knocking at their doorstep at the dead of night, Mrs. Weasley placed a hot steaming mug of tea in front of him. She then sat next to her husband, and Harry knew it was time to say something, so he hastily decided to give only a part of the truth.
"Dumbledore sent Sev…um, Professor Snape to pick me up, but then he had to go somewhere. I'm not sure where, he wouldn't tell me. He just sent me here by portkey," Harry stuttered out. He suddenly had no idea what to do with his hands. It was also getting too warm here. His skin was burning and his head began to hurt. He wanted Severus. No matter how mad Harry was at him right now, he needed the soothing voice and presence of his temporary guardian.
"Harry, are you okay?" Mrs. Weasley asked suddenly.
"What?" Why is she staring at me? I'm fine, it's just really warm….
Mr. Weasley's hand was suddenly over Harry's forehead. "He's burning up, Molly!"
Mrs. Weasley stood up and put her hand on his forehead. Harry felt his cheeks blush at the unwanted attention.
"I'm fine, Mrs. Weasley. I don't want to be any trouble," Harry mumbled, flinching away from their touch.
"No, don't be ridiculous," Mrs. Weasley said. "You're no trouble at all, my dear. You're part of our family. How many times do we have to tell you?"
Mrs. Weasley looked like she wanted to hug him, and Harry guessed she'd noticed how their sudden touches were making him uncomfortable. He instantly felt bad. They were only trying to help, and Harry knew they would never hurt him, but he couldn't help flinching away from them. He only watched Mrs. Weasley summon a Pepper-Up Potion.
Harry took a small gulp of it, right away feeling the effects. Smoke blew out of his ears and his eyelids began to droop. A nice warm bed was suddenly at the forefront of Harry's mind.
"You can sleep in Percy's room... He's not..." Mrs. Weasley stopped talking. "Come on, love, up you get, we can talk more once you've gotten some more sleep," she continued.
Harry didn't miss the tears in her eyes.
"Goodnight, Mr. Weasley," Harry mumbled.
"Have a good night, son." Mr. Weasley patted his shoulder.
Mrs. Weasley ushered Harry upstairs, tucked him into bed and felt his forehead once more.
"You're just a little feverish, Harry, but it's nothing that Pepper-up Potion can't cure. Just get some rest."
She took off Harry's glasses and placed them on the nightstand beside the bed and kissed his forehead.
"Goodnight, dear," Mrs. Weasley said gently, closing the door behind her.
"Goodnight, Mrs. Weasley," Harry muttered. He was already getting lost in the heavy lull of sleep.
The sounds of the heavy rain drumming on the window panes were the last thing Harry remembered before falling into a fitful sleep. A sleep filled with Voldemort's laughter and darkness and Severus promising Harry that he would be back for him...
A/N: Another chapter finished! So I know the rubber duck question was only in the movie and not in the book, but I couldn't help myself, that part was pretty funny haha and also Speculo means mirror in Latin.
Review Responses:
DxCrimson Eyes: Thanks for all of your reviews. I hope your enjoying my story, even though it's pretty angsty lol
Hannahdoodle 100: Oh I didn't know about that part about the raccoons….I promise to do my research next time. Keep reading and reviewing :D!
EKP: Yes Harry still has a long way to go and he really does need Remus. He also needs Severus, but Harry just doesn't know it yet ;) I love your reviews! Keep reading!
Jamage: Haha good, you learned your lesson but this chapter wasn't so scary, just angsty. I'm glad you're enjoying my story.;)
Guest: Thank you for reviewing! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
SevHarry: Aww haha if I stop writing it will be my own fault, but we don't have to worry about that, cus I still have my muse I'm glad you liked the last chapter and I hope you like this one too. This one for sure probably made you cry, so I'll just say sorry right now lol and also, Severus doesn't know he has gone soft on Harry lol
Caraline Fisher: Yes my story is coming along nicely, even though I somehow always miss typos before editing haha. Thank you for reviewing!:)
Anoelles: I hoped you like this chapter! Thanks for reviewing! =)
Vonnny25: Thank you! But I don't know if this chapter was cute lol