Our next contribution this year comes from Nobodieshiiro.
The camera pans out showing a state of the art kitchen, everything is extremely well lit, casting anything beyond the stage in darkness. There's the bang of a door slamming open to stage left, and a solitary light appears in the darkness and begins making its way towards the stage, the studio audience goes wild.
"Bic, Bic, Bic!" They chant, stomping their feet in time with the shows theme song, a heavy thumping of bass, and the squealing of an electric guitar.
Onto the stage leaps Bic, a Charmeleon covered in scars, and scorched on viscera. He waves to the crowd with his free hand and smiles, the other hand occupied by a cage that he slams onto the counter.
"Are we ready to eat!" He roars, the audience goes wild with shouting, a group of Charmander in the audience hold up a sign that reads: "Crack the bones"; and in front of them a group of female humans hold up a sign that reads: "eat the marrow". They're all wearing hats that read: "Bic's Kitchen". As the noise dies down he walks to stand by the cage and speaks.
"Today I'll be showing you how I make my famous braised Wartortle, which if you remember was featured in my recently published cookbook titled: "Cooking With Fire"; and because today's sponsor is feeling generous, everyone in the audience will be going home with a signed copy of my cookbook!" He grunts in annoyance, squinting at the teleprompter and reading the self promotion in a monotone.
The crowd goes absolutely wild, almost bowling one another over to get at the book beneath their seat, the cover a picture of Bic breathing flamethrower into the shell of a terrified Wartortle, the front cover emblazoned with the Words "Cooking With Fire!" and signed on the inside cover with charcoal, the letters written in a sharp spiky hand.
"Wartortle are tricky little bastards. They think it's funny to attack you from inside a puddle." Bic begins, while he unlatches the cage sitting on the counter.
As the cage is unlatched a blue blur attempts to slam out and away from the cage, but is stopped as Bic's arm whips out, claws wrapping around the captives Pokemon's neck. The crowd at first shrinks back, but lights up with enthusiasm as the water type is slammed onto its shell, its arms and legs flailing at the air for freedom as it makes unintelligible sounds, its mouth bound shut.
"Feisty one!" Bic laughs, before looking into the camera. "Now then, for those of you watching, the majority of you will want to get your Wartortle either as a whole carcass, or already parted out, but as you all know. Here in Bic's kitchen we only use the freshest ingredients!" Or the ingredients that piss me off, he mumbles under his breath.
"Step one, cut the meat's head off." The Wartortle goes absolutely wild at this proclamation, doing its utmost to shove away Bic's hand and rock itself forward, all the time screaming through the binding on its mouth. The crowd watches on, some cheering but mostly watching to see the technique used.
"Make sure you've got a good hold on the bastard, they like to retreat into their shell when scared," Here he brings his claws down, now shining like steel and neatly severs the Pokemon's head and throws it aside, the appendage leaving a bloody trail as it slides across the pristine white tile floor.
"The brain is good, I like to steam them in the skull but whatever works for you," Bic waves for the camera to move closer with a bloody hand and gestures at the lines along Wartortle's shell where the front connects the back.
"Get a knife and split this bitch open!" Running his claw along the seams and cutting the membrane with a deft movement of his wrist, Bic grabs the front plate of the shell and tears it away, sending viscera flying, blood spattering those people in the front row, you can really tell who wanted to be here from those who didn't at that moment as a man in the audience faints, his wife, dressed entirely in Bic merchandise looks away embarrassed.
"Now that we've exposed all of the innards this is where the fun begins." He begins separating the cuts of meat to be cooked from the scrap, said scrap being rammed down his throat, sizzling all the way down and filling the studio with the smell of cooking meat. Some in the crowd are grossed out by this, others, such as the Charmander in attendance clap at the spectacle. A message plays across the bottom of the screen.
Do not eat raw meat…
Bic keeps on severing tendons and cutting meat from bones, scooping out organs and so on. He waves at the group with signs from before as he begins snapping bones and eating the marrow. They noticeably light up at the acknowledgement, talking to each other in excited whispers.
"Doesn't look like much now, huh?" He laughs, blood dribbling down his chin and burning onto his chest. Some in the crowd look a little uneasy as he the air begins to shimmer around Bic the temperature rising noticeably throughout the studio, making people sweat.
Bic grabs the cuts of meat in one hand and marches over to a charcoal grill set up nearby, throwing the lid open he breaths a quick burst of flame that has the grill glowing red with the heat.
"The hotter the better, if the meat isn't done cooking in a few second, just eat it as is." Shrugging he tosses the meat in and closes the lid, turning to wave again at the crowd he scratches at his neck, before impatience sets in and he has the grill open, snatching the meat from within and tearing into it, the outside of the meat barely cooked, blood once again going dripping to the floor, and on anything near Bic as he eats. Behind him the grill tips to one side, metal weakened from the heat and tips over scattering hot coal across the tile, humming to himself Bic graps a hot coal and wraps meat around it and eating the whole thing in a single bite.
He eyes the Charmanders in the audience, throwing them some as well, the meat being snapped up in their jaws before it can hit anyone. Those that don't get any begin fighting with the others until Bic growls at them to settle down but not before they begin spitting sparks at each other, catching a man sitting near them on fire. As he begins to scream klaxons begin sounding and the sound of booted feet can be heard as a fully kitted out fire brigade quickly rushes onto the set and puts the screaming man out, they're wearing state of the art Vulpix class heat suits and have the latest personal water cannon, Ironically dubbed the "wartortle" named such for the shell like shape of the condenser they all carry on their backs.
"Bic!" A man screams as he rushes onto the set, he's dressed in an immaculate three piece suit, but he looks frayed at the edges and his hair is coming out prematurely. Bic sighs as he sees the man.
"What did we just talk about? You said you wouldn't catch anyone else on fire!" He gesticulates wildly, waving his hands this way and that as he yells exasperatedly in the irritated Charmeleon's face.
"If I'd caught him on fire they wouldn't be hauling him away on a stretcher. He'd be ashes." To emphasize his point he spits flames on the left over meat, the sinister blue flame burning not only the meat but part of the stainless counter as well. The Man immediately begins sweating and mops at his brow with a silk handkerchief.
"Look, bottom line. This is why people sign waivers." Bic says dismissively, turning to the crowd with a cocky grin, and a baleful glare for the Charmander who shrink at his gaze.
"Well, can't cook with everything hosed down, so that's it for this episode. Hope everyone had fun, and what do I always say." The crowd who had been disappointed at the show being cut short laugh at his question and in unison reply.
"If you can't cook, eat it raw!" The cameraman takes that as his queue to pan out catching a wide shot of the studio showing paramedics hauling out the burn victim and the charcoal grill still smoldering and beginning to burn in the background, the fire response team rushing out again looking harried as Bic waves and an advert begins playing over the credits.
Todays episode was sponsored by Uncle Jack's Survival Shack, for all your survival needs. From Buzzwole repellent to Ursaring urine, Uncle Jack's has it all.