Chapter 52. Chef Nathan

Early in the morning, Nathan snuck back through the infirmary through the open door, to Julia's apartment. He had slept, but not well, and had woken early with his mind reeling. Once his protective "mode" was in full effect, it was hard to turn it off. So, he decided to just get up and come back where his mind could be at peace. Looking at her sleeping soundly, his mind was at peace. Julia was still here, and she was still breathing.

Last night, when he had gotten home, Allie had been asleep on the couch. He scooped her up and put her in bed, just as he had Julia. But, Allie had woken up when he laid her down, and asked about Julia. He told her the short version of the story, and that Julia was just fine, much to Allie's relief.

When Nathan had finally gone to bed, he'd had fitful sleep riddled with dreams, none of which ended well. Mostly they involved that huge crossbeam and well, Julia not breathing. So, coming back to her seemed the only way to put his mind at ease.

Now he sat in the chair by her bed, reading the Bible she had left on her night table, and keeping watch over her. She laid curled into a ball on her right side, her left shoulder in the air. Her sleeping gown had come open a little and was off to one side, so her left shoulder was slightly exposed. And, it was looking pretty bruised. Dark greens and blues were setting in and he was sure it would be even more painful today. One thing he pretended not to notice, was the light dusting of beautiful freckles on the top of her shoulder. They were the same light freckles that dusted the top of her cheeks and nose. It made Nathan happy that he might be the only one in Hope Valley that knew about those light freckles on her shoulder.

Eventually, she started to rouse, and Nathan could see from the look on her face, that she was waking up in pain. He didn't say anything, but let her open her eyes at her own pace, just in case she would go back to sleep. Finally, though, she opened her eyes and realized he was there beside her.

"Nathan." Julia whispered, and she grimaced as she tried to sit up a little.

"Slowly." Nathan said, and he came over to help her.

"What time is it?" She asked.

Nathan had put the oil lamp down low and couldn't make out her clock from where he sat. So, he pulled out his pocket watch. "6:28." Nathan told her. "How do you feel?"

"Like I got crushed under a giant crossbeam." She replied, still sounding groggy.

He chuckled light and said, "Yea, your shoulder isn't looking too good."

She looked down and realized it was partially exposed and she looked slightly embarrassed. "Oops." She said, as she righted it and tied her gown back up tight. "Well, I feel it." She looked at him then, thinking he looked very tired. "Nathan, how long have you been here?"

"Not long, Jules. I woke up early and decided to come back and check on you." Nathan told her.

"Thank you for watching over me. Did you sleep well?" She asked him.

He didn't lie. "No, not really. A little too much excitement last night, I guess."

She nodded. She'd had exactly the same problem. Lots of bad dreams, and in most of them she couldn't seem to make her way back out of the darkness, out of the abyss, back to him. And then, there was the shoulder that was still very sore. More than once, in her fitful sleep, she had woken up laying on it.

"And, you?" He asked her.

"Not so good, either." She told him.

"How about I make some coffee, then?" He asked her. She nodded happily, thinking coffee would certainly help.

He stood and walked to the kitchen. He started opening cabinets, until she helped him out.

"The coffee is in the cabinet to the left of the stove, and cups are just above." She told him. He found everything easily and had the stove lit and the coffee going in no time. While he was working in the kitchen, Julia grabbed her robe and wrapped up tight. She went to her wash basin and brushed her teeth and washed her face. She freshened up her hair though the braid was still holding nicely. She walked to the windows, and opened the curtains. Though the sun was still coming up, she wanted to let the light in.

When Nathan went to the icebox for the milk, he saw she had fresh eggs in there, and he got an idea.

"How about breakfast, Jules?" He asked her. "It's the one thing I can actually cook?"

"You can cook breakfast?" Julia asked him. Breakfast was her favorite, the one essential meal that could be eaten anytime. So, she now really wanted to see him in action. "Well, what can you make, Lawman?"

"Pancakes, eggs, home fries, sausage, the usually stuff." Nathan told her.

"Wait a minute, you told me you couldn't cook? Those are the most important things to know how to cook. So if you've mastered those, you can cook, Nathan!" She encouraged him.

"I'm being completely honest when I say that's about all I can make, but if you are willing to take the risk, I'll be your chef this morning." Nathan told her, with his crooked smile.

"Well, then start cooking, chef Nathan. I will take you up on your offer. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, so I'd really like to see what you can do." She said with a playful smile.

"Now I feel the pressure", he chuckled, as he started taking things out. He opened cabinets and rifled until he found what he needed. Then he began mixing batter. When the coffee gurgled he served her a cup and started to bring it over to her. Though, she insisted instead to come to the table already, so she could be closer to him as he worked. She sat with her bare feet peeking out from under her sleeping gown.

Nathan served her coffee and she sipped it happily. She looked up at him, surprised, again. He made very good coffee. "Ummmm. Good coffee." She said happily, enjoying every sip. When he saw she was settled, he got back to work. He set out things on the table, syrup and butter, and left out the milk.

As soon as he had a hot pancake up, he served her. She lathered on the butter and syrup and took her first bite. It was fluffy and perfectly cooked. And, so very delicious. She was impressed.

"It seems you have been holding out on me, Lawman. I think you can cook just fine." Julia told him. Nathan smiled at her and kept flipping pancakes, spatula in hand, looking perfectly handsome in her kitchen. She liked watching him, tall and strong standing over her stove. When he had a good stack of pancakes, he made eggs next. He topped up the coffee cups. And when everything was on the table, he finally sat down and ate with her.

Everything he cooked was delicious, but most important of all, they were together. They didn't talk much, perhaps they both had too much on their minds. But, they enjoyed just sitting across from each other, the good coffee, and the good food.

When they were done eating, Nathan topped up their coffee cups one more time. They moved to sit in her little salon.

Nathan seemed like he had something on his mind, so Julia waited. He knew she was waiting, she had understood that he had something to say. Finally, he ventured.

"Julia, last night, I got a good scare. At a certain point, I thought…" he voice cracked then, "I thought I would lose you." He swallowed hard and seemed to regain his composure. "It makes a man put things in perspective. What's important and what's more important. And, I realize that my entire happiness is now linked to you." He moved closer, went on his knees in front of her. He put his hand gingerly on her cheek and came very close. And he whispered, "I need you."

Julia hugged him tight, as the emotions from last night flared up again. She whispered back to him, "I need you, too."

They held each other for a long time, and then Nathan pulled back, and looked at her intensely. It seemed he wasn't done. "I'm ready now. To tell you. Anything and everything that you want to know. I'm an open book, and I want you to read it all. Every pain and dark place. It's yours. No more holding back, no more closed doors, and no more hesitancy." He told her, with certainty in his eyes, "I don't want to hold back anymore. I'm ready to tell you about Colleen."

Julia looked him deep in the eyes and slowly nodded. She swallowed hard and touched his face softly. "Nathan, I'm here for you, you can tell me anything, but only if you are sure."

He nodded, so very sure. "I'm sure, Jules." He sat back on the chair, but scooted it up very close to her. Julia took his hand in her right hand, and intertwined their fingers. She held his hand in her lap, with her left hand too.

He looked down at the floor for a minute and looked back up at her. And, then he started to tell her the story. "Colleen moved back home to the ranch when Allie was four years old. Dylan had run off, again. Apparently it was a common occurrence. But, this time he hadn't come home for more than 6 weeks, and Colleen hadn't any news from him. She didn't know if he was dead or alive." He paused, the anger and disappointment now evident on his face. "Colleen couldn't make the rent and keep her and Allie fed. So, she packed up and went back home, to Mom, to the ranch. She left word with anyone who knew Dylan, but another month passed and there was still no word from him." Nathan paused and took a deep breath.

"After just a short while, Colleen was doing well, helping out Mom on the ranch. Allie was loving being there with Grams and all the horses. Things were looking up for both of them." He paused and looked at their hands, weaved together. He seemed to pull strength from their connection. "But, Colleen was pregnant. She didn't tell anyone. She either knew and didn't want anyone to know, or maybe she didn't want admit it, or perhaps she was in denial. We'll never know." He paused again, his eyes filled with tears. "But, she didn't take care of herself. And, one day, while she was on horseback, due to the pregnancy, she suffered a malaise. She fainted and fell from a moving horse."

Tears threatened to fall, so Julia held his hand even tighter. He didn't look her in the eye, but stayed the course. He had come this far. "I was in Cape Fullerton when I got the news. I came home as fast as I could. She suffered more than I think we realize. She was in pain and it took her almost three days to pass." Tears were falling now, and Julia felt them on her own cheeks. "There was a lot of internal damage and nothing that could be done. Mom brought a doctor all the way from Edmonton. There was no hope." He swallowed hard, "I made it back just in time to hold her hand those last two days. I promised her that I would take care of Allie and I've been trying to do right by her ever since."

The tears were coming fast now, and she cried with him. "She was my best friend, and I just watched her die. I wanted to beg her to stay, I wanted to tell her to fight. But, she was so broken, her body so horribly broken, and she was in so much pain…" his head dropped and he put his other hand up to cover his face. Julia couldn't take it anymore and she came to the edge of her seat, leaned forward, and pulled him into her embrace. She held his head gently under her chin, and he cried. She didn't let go, she didn't waver, but held him firmly as wave after wave of sobs hit him. She cried with him and shared this burden.

After a while, from where she held him, he said, "I just let her go. It seemed the most humane thing to do, she was suffering so." He said softly. "But sometimes I miss her so, I wish I had told her everything I wanted to say. I wish I had tried harder. I wish there had been a way…" Julia just held him tight.

Julia cried with him. Not just for his sister who was lost, but for this sweet, selfless man who had watched his sister suffer and die, and had selflessly let her go. While she was alive and suffering, he hadn't thought about himself or how he would miss her. He hadn't begged her to stay as he had wanted. He had thought only of her as she passed, and even promised to take care of Allie so she could go in peace. And after, and only after she was gone, had he let himself feel the strong swells of regret.

Julia held him for a long time, and when he finally sat back, she handed him a handkerchief. He wiped his face and looked sadly at her. It broke her heart to see how very sad he looked. She wished she could make it all better somehow. But, she knew from her own experience that healing was from the Lord. A gift that couldn't be rushed, but came often in waves, in layers - like warm layers of a down quilt - and each layer came at the perfect time.

"The dream that I had when I had the fever, it's a recurring dream that I've had for years. In my dream, I always beg her to stay. But in reality, I let her go. When I saw how she was hurting, I couldn't bear it. I didn't ask her to fight." He told her.

Julia told him softly, just above a whisper, "Nathan, it's likely that your dream is your way of expressing all that you wanted to say to her in those final days. A way to let out all that you didn't let yourself say, in that moment." Julia told him. "A way for you to make peace with what happened."

Joseph had told him the same thing. "Will it ever stop?" He asked her.

"I don't know, Nathan." She looked down at their hands and decided to tell him something that she had never told anyone, not even Jake. "Sometimes I have dreams of my father's final hours. Only, I'm just an outside spectator, watching him like in a theater performance. He can't see me, he doesn't know I'm there. And when I try to warn him, he can't hear me. I'm just watching his last day, going about his normal business, those final hours, leading up to the moment of his heart attack. He goes to work, he stops at a café on the way home for pie and coffee, he goes by the general store. He goes home and puts away his groceries. He breaks a jar of pickles, and cleans it up. And then, just like in the medical report, he falls over on the stairs and is gone. And, all I can do is watch." As she tells him her brow is furrowed and tears are falling. He can tell this dream is torture, not just because of her medical background, but most of all, because she wasn't there.

"I've never told anyone about that dream." Julia whispered.

"That's a terrible dream, Jules. And, I know and understand. I'm sorry about your father. I know it's still hard to accept that you weren't there." He looked at her, pausing, to take her in. She was hurting too. "But, you've told me often that the two of you had a great relationship. I'm sure he knew that you loved him very much, and that nothing would have stopped you from being there, had you known." Nathan encouraged her.

Julia nodded and knew what he said was true. But it was still hard. Julia thought the same was probably true for Colleen. "And you, Nathan. You told me yourself that Colleen knew you better than anyone. I'm sure she already knew all the things you wanted to say. She knew your heart, Nathan, and everything you were holding back so that she could go in peace."

Nathan nodded, realizing that Julia was also right. But, he still dealt with the guilt of not having said anything. She continued, "Nathan, you are a selfless person by nature. I don't think you have a selfish bone in your body. If you had said all those things to her, you would still have had regrets, but regrets for having said them. You would have dealt with the same feelings of loss, but added on top would have been guilt for having been selfish. Which would you prefer? To have been selfless and let her go in peace? Or to have been selfish and she would have gone in turmoil?"

He had never thought of it that way before. But, Julia was right. He much preferred that Colleen had gone in peace. He would have never had been able to forgive himself if he had thought Colleen wasn't at peace, or if he had said anything to upset her in those last days.

"I never thought of it like that before, Julia. I guess it's a situation that takes a long time to work through." Nathan surmised.

"Like any tragedy, Nathan. We have to work it through. And, when we give our pain to the Lord, trusting His plan is better than ours, we receive the next measure of healing." She reminded him.

Nathan liked her way of looking at things. He had met often with Joseph and knew all these things in his head. It was letting it sink down into his heart that was hard. He should perhaps meet again with Joseph, now that he had brought it all to the surface again. He wanted to come to peace with this loss, Colleen would have wanted him to.

"How are you so far along in this process already, Julia?" Nathan asked her.

"I'm not." And she laughed lightly. "I'm maybe just having a good day. But, Nathan, you have been taking care of Allie since the moment Colleen died. Did you ever fully allow yourself to process any of this?" Julia asked him.

"Probably not." He answered. She nodded, understanding that he probably hadn't. Knowing the kind of man he was, and what he was willing to do for his niece.

Julia held his hand tight and said, "I'm sorry for your loss, Nathan. I know how hard it is to let go." And, he knew she really did. "I understand." It meant so much that someone understood exactly what he was going through.

They heard a knock on the adjoining door. Nathan had closed it earlier this morning, when he started cooking. Julia wiped her face again, and Nathan did the same. He rose and went to open, and Faith came in, happy to see Julia up and sitting in a chair.

"Well, you are looking much better, Julia. How did you sleep?" Faith asked her, coming over to inspect closer.

"Not great. I kept waking up on the wrong shoulder." Julia said with a little chuckle.

"It's pretty sore, I take it?" Faith asked her.

"Yes, and I've got some greens and blues coming in." She told Faith.

"I think what might help is a hot bath." Faith suggested. "And, I'd really like to do another examination after, just to be sure."

Nathan said, "I can help get the tub filled and then I should be going anyway." He paused and looked at the clock. "I need to go back out to the bunkhouse, there needs to be an official investigation of the accident, for the record."

Faith nodded, and said. "Ok, well, I'll leave you to it. Julia, after the bath, will you come next door for the examination?"

"Yes, Doctor." Julia said with a shy smile. It felt strange to the the patient for once.

Faith nodded and headed back over to the infirmary. Nathan pulled Julia's tub out and boiled water over and over, until it was full and piping hot.

Julia came over close and looked up at him. "Thank you, Nathan. You take good care of me."

He pulled her into his embrace, and held her close. He took care not to touch her shoulder too much. He felt so many strong emotions as he held her, he rested his chin on her hair. And he whispered, "I love you."

She whispered back, "I love you, too." And she buried her face in his chest. She felt so safe and secure in his arms and laid her cheek close to the racing pulse in his neck. When they finally pulled back, Nathan placed a sweet tender kiss on her cheek. And let himself out through the infirmary.

At 10 a.m., Nathan walked over to Bill's office in uniform. Fiona met them there and drove them back out to the bunkhouse. There were still a few guys there, they had made another hole through the debris and were taking their things out of the collapsed building.

Nathan and Bill took notes, jotting down measurements and observations. They interviewed the guys there, and took testimony from all of them. They also asked Fiona a lot of questions.

The bunkhouse had been built in the early spring, and very quickly. Bill thought perhaps a little too quickly. Fiona said that Lucas had brought a team from Buxton to build the bunkhouse, and had let them stay in the saloon, while they were building. Once they got there though, Lucas realized they were not the most savory of characters. He wanted the job done quickly to get them back out of town. The bunkhouse had been finished in two weeks, from start to finish. They had built the back side against a solid rock face of the mountain behind it. But Fiona had been leery since day one.

When Bill and Nathan had gathered all the evidence and testimony for the investigation, they headed back toward the car. However, a young man whom they had just interviewed, Tony, approached them. He was the same young man who had run into the café on Friday night to announce the accident.

"Constable, Judge Avery, I found that doctor's shoe when I went back in to clear out my things." He held it out to Nathan, and Nathan took it from him.

"Thank you, Tony. I'll see that she gets it." Nathan told him.

"So, she's okay, then?" Tony asked.

"She's sore but came through the ordeal just fine." Nathan told him. "Thanks for asking."

"I'm glad." Tony answered. "She and the blond doctor went right in there and got Jeremiah out. Me and the boys are grateful."

Bill spoke up then, "You boys be careful going back in there, you hear?"

Tony said with a big smile and a little chuckle, "Don't worry, Judge. We don't go under that crossbeam, only over it."

"Well, take care just the same." Bill told them. They said good-bye and the trio climbed into the car, and Fiona drive them back to Nathan's office.

On the way, Nathan looked down at Julia's shoe, in his hand. The shoe was dirty and dusty inside and out. And, the toe of the shoe was scuffed terribly, evidence of how very hard Julia had fought to get out. The realization put his stomach in a knot all over again.

When they got back to Nathan's office, he and Bill went over all the information they had collected and discussed how to proceed. And, what need to be done, if anything. When they were done, Nathan agreed to write up the report. They would need to interview Lucas as well, and planned to do so on Monday morning. And, they made an appointment to meet later in the week to discuss it further.

As soon as Bill left, Nathan looked at the shoe on the corner of his desk. He just couldn't bear to give it back to her. The ruined leather would be a constant reminder of the whole ordeal. So instead, Nathan took the shoe and headed over to the mercantile.

And as soon as he was done there, he carried a pretty wrapped package over to the infirmary. Faith was sitting at the desk when he entered. When she saw him, she motioned with her hand to join her outside. Nathan realized the young man must still be in the infirmary bed, and must be resting.

When they got outside, Nathan asked, "How's Julia?"

"I did another examination after her bath, and miraculously, there is nothing to be found. She is just fine except for the sore shoulder. She probably won't want to use that arm anytime soon. But, lucky for her, she's right-handed." Faith told him, with an easy grin.

"And, the young man?" He asked her.

"He's doing well, has a nice cast now. He's moving to the saloon this afternoon. Lucas is putting all the guys from the bunkhouse up there, since they don't have anyplace else to go. He's not too happy about it, but I threatened to send him Julia's medical bills too, and he stopped complaining." Faith told Nathan. "After I reminded him that Julia could have been killed, that I or any of those guys could have been killed, he seemed to get the picture. He was generally sorry after that. What did you find out in the investigation?" Faith asked.

Nathan replied with a small grin. "Well, sadly Faith, I'm not at liberty to discuss an ongoing investigation. But, the findings will be public record once Bill and I conclude it. But, that might take a while yet."

Faith nodded, understanding completely. "Well, I'm just glad nobody else was hurt. It could have been much worse."

Nathan agreed. It could have been much worse. He was so very thankful to hear that Julia was okay, the soreness was par for the course. But, overall, she was okay.

"The young man, Tony, managed to pull out her shoe from the bunkhouse. But, when I saw the shape of it, I couldn't bear to give it back to her." Nathan said, making reference to the package he held.

"Yea, I have the other one in the infirmary. She evidently fought hard to get out. The leather on the toe is totally ruined." Faith told him.

"Have you heard her moving around at all? I don't want to disturb her if she's resting?" He asked Faith.

"At lunch, I picked up plates from the café for Jeremiah, Julia, and I. She was up when I took her's over, but planned to eat and lay down. So, I imagine she's sleeping now." Faith told him.

Nathan nodded and looked down at the package. "I need to go home to get ready for Allie's program now. But, do you think you could give her this package when she gets up? She might need some shoes before she can go anywhere."

"Yes, she might." Faith said with a light chuckle. "That was very thoughtful of you, Nathan." Faith told him, as she took the package from him.

"Thanks for everything, Faith." Nathan told her.

"You, too, Nathan. Have fun at Allie's program." Faith told him, as he turned to go. She went back into the infirmary and set the package on Julia's desk. Faith would take it over as soon as she heard the first peep of noise from the apartment next door.

Author's Note:

Thank you so much for your positive feedback after the "cliffhanger" chapter. I'm new to the fan fiction universe, and I just wanted to try out a cliffhanger (=

I have to say once again how touched I am by your encouraging reviews. So many sweet reviews, too many to name. And, even one all the way from Cape Town South (thank you, Guest! I'm glad you were so touched by my story!) I do sometimes write back to my reviewers when they are logged in on fan fiction, but unfortunately don't have a way to do that if you leave a review as a guest. But, thanks all the same, I take all your words to heart.

You all make it a joy to write!