Chapter Sixteen - Tired, Lost, Hurting
Trigger Warning: Cutting and Negative thoughts.
Harry woke up with a sudden start, feeling as if he fell out of his sleep. His heart was beating fast, he was covered in a cold sweat, and the fear Harry was feeling from his nightmare was overpowering. Laying in the darkness of his bedroom, Harry tried to remember what he'd dreamed about. He knew deep down it wasn't about Sirius falling through the veil or his aunt and uncle punishing him.
Maybe, it was about my vision or something to do with Voldemort? Did I tap into his mind again? What did my vision mean? What do Severus and Dumbledore know about it? Why won't they tell me? Thinking of his unanswered questions, Harry felt so helpless. He could be helping out in the war, but instead he was being sheltered at school.
Bellatrix Lestrange's horrid laughter rang suddenly in Harry's head, filling him even more with that overwhelming fear, freezing every part of his body.
Harry now remembered his nightmare; it was certainly about the vision he had at the Burrow. He remembered the glowing fireplace that gave the room a deathly glow. Voldemort's slithery voice and Bellatrix's excited laughter, as they talked of someone's expectant death. And Harry remembered the screams in the background, unnatural human screams….
The urge to soothe the torment of emotions and his paralyzing fear came over Harry. For a few moments, he let himself think about succumbing into his habit, to release his anxiety and fear so he could go back to sleep. Harry closed his eyes, imagining a blade pressed against his skin, until blood seeped through the wound, followed by a wonderful, burning pain.
Harry began to scratch at his skin with his fingernails. At first he couldn't feel anything due to the enchantment Severus placed on his nails. Sighing in frustration, Harry tried scratching harder. He wanted to feel the relieving pain so bad, and then he had an idea….
Focusing hard, Harry tapped into the anxiety and fear his nightmare had caused him. Harry thought of the way he'd felt when Severus promised he'll be there for Harry, guiding him with the prophecy and the war, and then Dumbledore and Severus shutting him out. And the jealousy Harry had felt seeing Malfoy and Severus sitting next to each other at the Burrow; talking quietly together. Harry tapped into his childhood pain, the grief he had for Sirius, the fear, anger and guilt he'd been feeling towards Remus, and every negative thought Harry had towards himself.
Harry tapped into everything that he had hidden safely behind his brick wall. A mental shield Harry had created to protect himself long ago against his relatives. It was the wall he hid behind when Severus tried to pry into his past. And the wall he would imagine when practicing to close off his mind during Occlumency.
Memories swirled around him: Uncle Vernon leaving him beaten on the floor, and how Harry felt when none of the Dursleys came to check on him. Aunt Petunia getting annoyed at Harry's very existence, forcing him to call himself a freak, making him feel worthless. And watching Dudley receive the love and attention Harry had once desperately craved.
And Harry painfully thought of the way he had wanted to let Severus in, how Harry had considered letting Severus see what was behind his brick wall. Then he was betrayed with the secrets of Albus Dumbledore and the war that Harry deserved to know because of the prophecy. The prophecy took away the little control Harry had of his own life. Harry needed control. The anger rose in him, mixed with anxiety that suffocated him.
With those last thoughts in mind, Harry's nails suddenly glowed pink, and he was met with the burning sensation he'd been longing to feel.
Harry scratched his skin hard.
And the relief… It was beautiful and addicting. Harry wished he could cut deeper, but there was nothing around to use; thanks to Severus. Scratching would have to do….
And with the thought of Severus on his mind, Harry suddenly pictured the disappointed frown on the professor's face, if he should ever find out what Harry was doing to himself. Then he thought of Sirius, and the disappointment in his blue-grey eyes. Thinking of Sirius being disappointed in him, made Harry wrench his nails away from his skin.
The anxiety and need to hurt himself was now gone, replaced by guilt of breaking the promises Harry made to Sirius and Severus.
I'm such a mess! Harry examined the damage he'd done to himself. Angry red scratches stood out against his pale skin.
Unable to look at his arm anymore, Harry pulled down his sleeve with disgust, then turned over so he could see the time on his clock. It was four in the morning. Harry could barely make out the shape of Malfoy asleep on the cot near his closet.
Harry quietly climbed out of bed, making sure to not wake the sleeping Slytherin. He didn't want Malfoy to witness him losing it again; like at the Burrow. It was a little strange that the Slytherin hadn't mentioned anything about what happened yesterday.
Harry closed his bedroom door quietly, standing in the hallway, not sure what to do with himself.
Who Harry wanted most right now, was Sirius. He wanted to tell Sirius about the laughter he'd kept hearing in his nightmare, and Voldemort's whispering words, planning a murder. Harry wanted to tell his godfather how Dumbledore and Severus weren't telling him anything about his vision; shutting him out, keeping secrets. Harry wanted to tell Sirius about the prophecy, and how much of a freak he was feeling inside, for having this connection with Voldemort. But Sirius was gone….
The second person Harry wanted to go to was Remus, but he was still in a coma. Harry stifled the small spark of anger towards the werewolf for leaving him... He refused to acknowledge his bitter feelings. Not when Remus was still hurt….
And so the only person Harry could think of going to now, was Severus….
But after everything that had happened during the past few days, should he still trust Severus Snape?
Harry thought of their camping trip, when they were in the meadow with the herd of deer grazing in the distance, of Severus convincing him to finally let go of his mistrust, to let him in, to trust him, and Harry had considered it. He'd stepped out from behind his brick wall and opened up a bit to the Professor, and it felt good to talk to him.
Harry was really considering trusting Severus, then he got dumped at the Weasleys without any explanation. He didn't see the professor for days, not knowing if he was okay or even alive. Then Severus promised to be there for him, to help with the prophecy, and the first thing he did was send Harry away so he and Dumbledore could talk about their secrets, not even giving Harry a chance. Then seeing Severus and Malfoy being all cozy together triggered Harry the most. Draco's whole family was on Voldemort's side. Did that mean there might be a chance of Severus being on the dark wizard's side as well?
And Harry wasn't sure of the answer to that question of trust anymore. Even if he did want to, he didn't think he could. Trusting adults always led to Harry getting screwed over. He wasn't going to fall victim again.
And standing outside of Severus' door, wanting so much to open it, but fear of rejection and betrayal paralyzed him.
This wasn't the first time Harry had tried seeking comfort after a nightmare. The flashback was so sudden, causing only his hand to tremble on the door knob.
Harry was very little when he'd first dreamed of that flashing green light. Crying in fear, he had gone to Aunt Petunia's and Uncle Vernon's room, seeking comfort. Harry wanted them to tell him it was just a dream, that he'll be okay and they'll keep him safe. That didn't happen... Instead, Harry was treated to one of Uncle Vernon's punishments, then was kicked out of the room as they'd laughed at him.
With the memory of their laughter echoing in his head, Harry's hand fell away from the door knob.
Who was he to go and bother Severus in the middle of the night? Who was he to seek comfort over a silly nightmare?
And besides, I can't even trust him!
Disgusted at his actions, Harry stepped away from the door, deciding to sit down on the sofa and maybe just read until dawn. Harry wasn't going back to sleep, no matter how tired he was.
.
.
When Severus finally came out of his bedroom, showered and dressed in his usual flowing black robes for the day, Harry put down his worn out copy of Quidditch Through the Ages.
Severus stopped with a raised eyebrow. Harry looked down, refusing to meet his eyes. Guilt of what he did last night was tearing at his conscience.
"What are you doing up so early?" Severus asked, still standing in front of his closed bedroom door.
"I couldn't sleep." Harry shrugged, trying to sound as casual and nonchalant as possible.
It didn't work on Severus... The professor narrowed his eyes at Harry.
"You couldn't sleep anymore?" Severus said slowly.
Harry nodded.
"What time did you get up?"
"Not long ago..." Harry suppressed a yawn.
"With those dark circles under your eyes, I don't believe you."
Harry shrugged again, wishing Severus would stop badgering him about his sleeping habits.
Why does he even care?
"Why did you not wake me?"
"I didn't want to bother you, Professor Snape," Harry muttered, rubbing his hand through his untidy black hair.
"Severus… Harry, there's no need for formalities when we're the only ones in this room."
"Sorry," Harry muttered.
Severus made his way towards Harry, taking a seat in his armchair. Harry could feel the professor's black eyes studying him. Feeling embarrassed and guilty, Harry started to fidget with his book.
Sighing in frustration, Severus leaned over and pulled the book out of Harry's hands, placing it gently onto the coffee table.
"Show me your arm," Severus said.
Harry looked at him questionably, trying to feign innocence as best as he could, but his efforts were in vain.
"Do as I say," Severus said in a tone that meant he wasn't playing around.
Harry gave an inward groan of defeat. Well, he was going to find out sooner or later….
Harry rolled up the sleeve of his left arm, wishing that he hadn't chanced a glance at Severus' facial expression. Disappointment flashed briefly across the professor's face at the deep scratches. Shame washed over Harry. He felt stupid and weak for giving into his habit, and he flinched when Severus grabbed his arm to expect the damage.
Harry waited for the lecture, but it didn't come. The Potions Master just looked tired as he took his wand out and muttered a basic healing spell, causing the scratches to heal until they were scars, and they too faded away.
"What happened!" Severus hissed.
The tense silence that filled the room was becoming thicker. Harry knew Severus was only angry because he was disappointed in him. Harry suddenly didn't care. Now Severus was the last person Harry wanted to confide in.
As a response to Severus' question, Harry wrenched his arm away from the professor's tight grasp and crossed his arms to his chest. Sitting there on the couch, looking anywhere but at Severus Snape, Harry started to imagine his brick wall. Strong and protective, keeping Severus out.
In a low and controlled voice, Severus said, "It seems like your magic is too strong to keep you from scratching yourself. Accidental magic comes from strong emotions. Harry, what happened? Because something must be going on in that stubborn head of yours to break the charm again!"
"I don't want to talk about it!" Harry snapped, now glaring down at his sock-covered feet. His arms still crossed tightly against his chest, as if to protect himself and the wall that kept everything safely inside where nosey, greasy dungeon bats couldn't pry.
Why couldn't Severus just understand that he didn't want to talk?! Harry didn't even know why he'd wanted to seek Severus' comfort last night. And Harry was glad he didn't! Because now, he wanted Severus to stay as far away from him as possible!
"I don't have all day, Harry! I'm not going to drop this until you talk! Why did you hurt yourself?!" Severus snapped after a few moments of tensed silence.
"Nothing happened!" Harry suddenly shouted.
Neither of them said anything more. Feeling stupid and embarrassed and angry and hurt, Harry couldn't stand the tension any longer. Not caring that he was making Severus angry, not caring that he was acting childish, Harry ran to his bedroom. He ignored Severus' calls to come back and slammed his bedroom door as hard as he could.
"What's going on?" Malfoy groaned sleepily, rolling onto his stomach and covering his face with his blanket.
"Bloody Snape is being a nosey git, that's what's going on!" Harry shouted, letting his temper get the best of him.
The door suddenly opened, revealing an angry Severus Snape. Harry stepped back in fear, knowing that he was being disrespectful and was sure to get punished for it. Malfoy's face whitened. He rolled out of bed, dodged his way out of the room, all the while muttering something about making a cup of tea.
"What has gotten into you?!" Severus snapped once Malfoy was gone. He swooped in front of Harry like an overgrown bat. "Repeat to me what you've just called me!"
"I'm sorry for calling you a nosey git." Harry stepped back, making sure to keep a good distance away so he wouldn't get pulled into a beating. Knowing he crossed a line with his insults, Harry knew he very well deserved being punished now.
But Severus told me he'll never punish me like that… And with that thought, Harry tried to remember that Severus wasn't Uncle Vernon...
"Yes, Potter, I very well hope you are, because I've had enough with your attitude ever since we've left the Burrow! Your constant mood swings are going to be the death of me one day! Now, tell me, what happened to make yourself lose control!"
Harry glared at his professor. He wanted to shout at Severus, hit him and scream, until the wretched feelings inside Harry were gone. But he couldn't trust Severus, Harry couldn't tell him what he was feeling. He didn't know how. The Dursleys had always forbade Harry to talk about his feelings; they always laughed at him or punished him whenever Harry tried.
So Harry kept everything safely behind his wall, out of reach from anyone who he couldn't trust, and now it was all trapped behind the strong mental shield...the very thing that Harry was fighting so hard to keep inside, was the very thing he most wanted to say.
"Well…?" Severus snapped impatiently, taking a step forward.
Harry took a step back. He isn't going to punish me… He isn't Uncle Vernon… Harry repeated to himself. Trying to be brave, but failed as his body began to shake at the thought of being punished.
The harshness in Severus' eyes suddenly disappeared. He stared down at Harry with wide eyes, taking a deep breath, before saying his next words. "I'm not going to hit you, Harry. I've told you so many times already. Look, I'm sorry for losing my temper. Let's both calm down and start over. Please, talk to me, kid," Severus said in a softer tone of voice.
"I don't know… I'm just..." Harry muttered, trying his hardest to not cower in fear of punishment. He looked up at Severus who was waiting.
Harry wanted to tell Severus how angry he was at Sirius for leaving him, angry at Remus who was so close to death. Angry that he had to suffer at the Dursleys for his whole life and the fact that no one cared until now to rescue him. And angry at Dumbledore for keeping Harry in the dark as if he were a little kid. He was sick of not having any control of his life. And what if Harry did not want to fight anymore? What if he did not want to be the one to get rid of Voldemort? Harry wished for once that he could just be a normal teenager, a teenager who didn't have to deal with pain and death and secrets.
"I'm just tired of it all," Harry only managed to say. He tore his gaze away from the Potions Professor. Harry couldn't think of anything else to say, that one sentence summed up all of his thoughts.
Harry sat on the bed, his anger now ebbing away as fast as it had risen. Severus sat down on the desk chair, his black robes pooling around his feet on the wooden floorboards.
"What is Dumbledore not telling me? What secrets are you hiding from me? I'm tired of being kept in the dark, Severus. I'm tired of being treated like I'm too young to understand... I'm not a kid anymore…if that's the reason… I've never had the chance to even be a kid," Harry said thinking of his lost childhood, thanks to the Dursleys.
"Listen to me, Harry," Severus said sternly after contemplating Harry's words.
Harry stubbornly stared at his hands. "No, you'd said that I can trust you," he said with hurt cracking his voice. "You keep saying to trust you, but then you keep me out. You and Dumbledore know something about my vision, and you're not telling me. I need to know, Professor. I need to know, because I'm going mad! I have to do something! I just can't sit here while people are out there risking their lives fighting him!"
Severus frowned at his words, his face now void of the anger and frustration. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. His hands folded together as if he were thinking about Harry's words very carefully.
"Listen, Harry, I'm sorry that you were sent away yesterday after I had said you can trust me. It isn't because Dumbledore thinks of you as too young to understand. The information that he has is just too crucial to give away at the moment. So do not put yourself down when he chooses not to reveal his knowledge of your visions.
Dumbledore has many reasons why he hasn't shared anything about them with you, and I can assure you that not even I know the full truth behind your visions. The best we can do is just trust him, even if we're tired of being kept in the dark, of being forced to remain ignorant of his plans. You just have to be patient, and know that all will be revealed to us when the time is right."
Harry crossed his arms again this time only in frustration. "I wish he could just tell me now. I wish I could somehow find out who Voldemort's going after. That'll at least help a lot."
Severus shook his head. "You have done more than enough for us already. You've told us everything that we needed to know, so for now just let us handle it. I know you don't see yourself as a child anymore. I know you want to be useful in this war and help us, but I advise you to not grow up so fast. One day, you'll fight alongside us, but right now, we want you to stay safe. Be a teenager, enjoy the summer, enjoy your last two years of school with your friends."
As Harry thought about what Severus said, guilt for the way he'd acted earlier was now taking over. Didn't Harry just wish he could be a normal teenager for once in his life? And then Severus told him to not worry about the war just yet… Just enjoy being a teenager. How did the professor know to say the right things? How was he able to understand what Harry couldn't say? And once more, guilt at his behavior towards Severus who was only trying to help him, made Harry's cheeks blush with embarrassment.
Perhaps Harry was wrong to be so angry at Severus….
"Look, Severus, I'm sorry for the way I've acted. It's just hard sometimes…"
"I know," Severus said. "That's why I want you to come to me when you feel like you have to hurt yourself, then we'll argue it out like we always end up doing. I'll rather have you cause a scene instead of you choosing to cut up your flesh."
Harry choked up a little, because Severus didn't sound angry or upset or annoyed. He sounded sincere, concerned that Harry might need him for comfort. It was something that he was denied over and over again as a small kid. It was something that was going to be hard getting used to.
And the question started to pop right back into Harry's head… Can I trust you?
"I hope you realize that this incident of yours will prolong your probation," Severus continued.
Harry scowled, but didn't say anything more. He knew Severus was only doing it to help him.
"Nightmares of your vision, and the way Dumbledore and I sent you away? Is that what made you scratch yourself last night? Why do I get the sense that there was more to it?"
How does he know?
Harry didn't say anything.
"And you don't want to tell me more about it?"
Harry shook his head. "I'm sorry," he could only say.
He heard Severus sigh in defeat. Harry stubbornly kept his gaze away from him.
"I'll respect that of you. Just know, I'm here whenever you decide to talk. Now give me your hands. I must replace the charm you broke again."
Once Harry's nails glowed pink, did Harry finally look at Severus, finding concern and worry in the professor's black eyes. It made Harry feel stupider and like a freak more than ever, he tore his gaze away.
"Come," Severus said as he got up and opened the bedroom door. "Let's not keep Draco waiting."
"I really don't care if he waits," Harry muttered, annoyed at the thought of Malfoy who was probably eavesdropping on them right now. Harry didn't know if Severus heard him or not, or if he was just simply pretending he hadn't, because Severus didn't say a word as they left the bedroom.
The rest of the morning went by quickly. Breakfast was spent with glares between Harry and Draco, until Severus had enough. He snapped at them to stop, and also explained to them that they were expected to stay out of the way during today's Order meeting.
Just moments ago, Harry had asked if he could play Quidditch with his friends outside. Severus almost didn't allow it, but the pleading look Harry gave him was totally uncalled for and Severus had found himself nodding his permission. Harry had then smiled brightly and ran to his bedroom to retrieve his broomstick.
Draco said that he was going to spend the day in the library finishing his homework. He'd set off right after breakfast, wanting no part in joining Harry and his friends for a game of Quidditch.
Severus wondered if Draco was really planning on doing homework or doing research for a way to complete his task for the Dark Lord. At that thought, Severus realized he couldn't trust Draco yet, not until he knew the boy's true loyalties. Severus had a feeling Draco didn't know himself yet, and so it didn't hurt to be cautious around him for the time being. This meant that Severus had to remain distant with Harry, as if he still hated him, so Draco could believe Harry was only here against Severus' wishes. Just in case Draco decided to reveal everything to his mother, putting Harry into danger and blowing Severus' cover to the Dark Lord.
Severus cared deeply for his godson, yet it was risky for Draco to be here. Anger and guilt for the negative feelings towards Draco was directed at Albus for putting Severus into this situation. Severus was then reminded of his own task for Albus, and tried not to dwell on the fact that Harry might hate him and never trust him again after that.
Anger for Albus' selfishness coursed through Severus again. However, he forced the emotion away as Harry reappeared back into the kitchen with his Firebolt.
Severus immediately began to explain the rules:
Harry was not to go off anywhere alone. Stay at the Quidditch pitch with his friends. No stupid, life-threatening Quidditch tricks. Stay out of trouble, and no eavesdropping on the Order meeting. Most importantly, Severus didn't want to see any more signs of self-harming today.
Despite of what had happened this morning, Severus decided that the young Gryffindor deserved a break. Harry needed to be a teenager again, and the best way to do that was to just let him have fun with his friends today. Allow Harry his freedom and not keep him cooped up in the castle.
.
.
The small room behind the staff table in the Great Hall was already filling up with members of the Order of the Phoenix.
Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle were already seated at the table that was placed in the middle of the room. All the heads of houses were also present. Filius Flitwick, Minerva McGonagall and Pomona Sprout were sitting together in what looked like a serious discussion between the three. Severus narrowed his eyes at them, making sure he was keeping to the shadows at the end of the table so that he wouldn't be invited to anyone's little social group.
The Weasleys, along with Kingsley Shacklebolt were barely arriving with grim facial expressions. Nymphadora Tonks seated herself next to Charlie Weasley and her mentor Alastor Moody.
More Order members soon began to file in, and once everyone was present and seated, Albus began the introduction of the meeting, followed by the news he had for them since the last time they met. Everyone then began to report their progress on the various missions they've had. There was nothing new, besides the disappearance of Ollivander.
Albus suddenly looked at Severus with those infuriating, twinkling blue eyes and said, "For those of you who haven't heard by now, I've asked Severus to move Harry to Hogwarts away from his relatives. The reasons are a private matter, a request from Harry himself."
Severus nodded in approval as Albus informed them of Harry staying here, leaving out the part of Harry being in his care. If too many people knew, it could easily leak to the Dark Lord.
"We also have Narcissa Malfoy and Draco Malfoy residing here under the knowledge that they have switched sides."
Gasps went around the table.
"Albus, is it wise to have them stay here along with Potter?" Alastor Moody asked, his magical eye swirling around until it pointed its gaze at Severus.
Severus glared at it, knowing what Moody really wanted to say. That he didn't trust Severus, an ex-Death Eater residing in the castle with Potter.
"Narcissa had made a very clear argument on her actions of turning away from Voldemort," Dumbledore said calmly.
The people seated around the table all flinched at the name.
And they call themselves Order members… Severus rolled his eyes. He noticed how Albus didn't mention the mistrust he and Severus shared of Narcissa.
"According to Narcissa, now that Lucius is in Azkaban, she and Draco were left under the mercy of Voldemort. She had barely escaped the wrath of Bellatrix Lestrange with her life. For now she'll stay in the hospital wing until she recovers, then I'll move her to a safe house. She doesn't know that Harry's residing at Hogwarts, and Severus will make sure that Draco doesn't spill any information," Dumbledore went on.
"It still isn't wise to have those Death Eaters roaming about in the castle, Albus, and you know how Potter is! He's going to end up finding trouble. That boy can't seem to do what he's told regarding his safety. Over and over again, I remind him, constant vigilance! But does he ever listen?!"
"Alastor is right, Albus, it will be like handing Potter on a silver platter to Voldemort," Kingsley Shacklebolt said in a calm, worried tone.
Suspicious glances made their way towards Severus as Dumbledore responded to Moody and Kingsley. Severus ignored every one of them. He wasn't here to make friends and he wasn't here to feel like he belonged. Severus was only here for Harry and for Lily. He was here because of his loyalty and duty to Albus. And if they still didn't trust Severus because of him being a spy or because of his past, that was not his problem.
"And now, Severus, to conclude our meeting for today, can you tell us about how you found Remus Lupin," Dumbledore said.
Shocked faces went around the room, they looked at him expectantly.
Not used to being in the spotlight like this, Severus cleared his throat and began speaking….
Harry was laying down in the middle of the Quidditch field. Up towards the sky, he could see the Weasleys zooming above him. After spending most of the early afternoon playing Quidditch, Harry had decided to take a break and just lie on the grass. The sky was a bright-blue with no clouds at all, the warm breeze brought the scents of grass and earth. It refreshed Harry, blowing through his hair and cooling his face. He could just make out Ginny zooming around the goalposts and Ron flying along an unsteady Hermione on a Hogwarts broom.
Although the day was peaceful, Harry's thoughts did not match the warm summer day. He hadn't forgotten his intense anger and fear that'd caused him to scratch himself last night. Harry couldn't stop thinking about his vision. He couldn't stop hearing the laughter and the screaming. He had to know what Voldemort was up to. Harry had to find out about what this vision meant. Severus may have told him to be patient, to stay safe, but Harry still couldn't stand the idea of people fighting for him, for a boy who was too weak and cowardly to fight his own battles….
"What are you doing lazing about, Harry?" a soft voice of laughter sounded above him, interrupting Harry's morbid thoughts.
Harry opened his eyes to see Ginny Weasley on his Firebolt, hovering a couple of feet above him, blocking out the sun which highlighted her red hair into golden strands around her. Her brown eyes were full of exhilaration from flying all afternoon.
"Come fly with me," Ginny smiled.
Harry smiled back, instantly forgetting last night and his vision as he looked at Ginny. Butterflies flitted around in his stomach and Harry didn't know why he felt so light all of a sudden as he pulled himself up onto his broom behind her. Harry wrapped his arms around Ginny's waist to hold on. The scent of flowers and the Burrow surrounded him, and it was all Harry could do to prevent himself from hugging Ginny and burrowing his face into her hair.
"Where are you taking me?" Harry laughed as Ginny, with a mischievous smile, zoomed into the sky towards the lake, past Ron and Hermione. Harry's Firebolt was too fast for them to follow.
Just as Ginny was going to turn back to join Ron and Hermione once more, Harry found himself wishing that she didn't have to stop, that he could just fly forever with her in his arms. And forget about everything….
"Please don't stop flying, Ginny," Harry whispered. "Keep going."
Ginny heard him, turning the broom away from the direction of the Quidditch pitch, flying around the castle grounds. They were now flying over the lake, Harry could see their reflection in the blue water. Harry then leaned over and grabbed the handle of the broom, covering Ginny's hands as he steered the broom towards the shore of the lake so that they landed underneath his, Ron's and Hermione's favorite beech tree.
Harry sat on the grass, Ginny laid down beside him. The Firebolt leaning against the trunk of the tree.
"What do you think they're talking about?" Ginny asked.
Harry didn't need to ask her who she'd meant. She was talking about the Order.
"Most likely me…" Harry muttered.
"Harry, I know you've been going through a lot with Sirius, and what happened at the Ministry. Just know it wasn't your fault…."
Harry looked at Ginny. It was the first time she had dared to mention anything of that night. Ron, the Weasleys, Hermione, all seemed to walk on eggshells around him, afraid to mention the death of his godfather as if Harry were to explode, but not Ginny. She was brave enough to acknowledge what had happened, and tell Harry it wasn't his fault.
"I'm glad you think so," Harry said softly "I wish the others were like you, Ginny. They seem to be afraid of mentioning anything about Sirius around me. I know they don't want to upset me, but they're just making me feel worse, really."
"I understand, just like when I was possessed by You-Know-Who's diary. They acted the same way around me. I hated being treated as if I were fragile. I just wanted them to treat me normally."
How did she do it? How did Ginny go through something so terrifying and just move on? How was she happy again?
"I wish I was brave like you, Ginny," Harry only whispered.
"You are brave, Harry, you're just not giving yourself enough credit." Ginny tossed a twig at him.
The twig landed near his feet, causing Harry to look at her. Their eyes connected and before Harry knew it, they were holding hands.
No… Harry thought. He couldn't start this, not with Ginny, someone who he cared about a lot. Why would she want someone so messed up like him? Ginny deserved better.
Harry pulled his hand away, not noticing the small frown on Ginny's lips.
"Have you seen Remus yet?" Ginny asked after a while. "Mum told us how Snape found him."
"Yeah, he's in very bad shape. I don't even think we'll be allowed to visit him. I was only allowed a minute yesterday."
"How could they do that to him?" Ginny asked in frustration. Harry could see tears of anger well up in her brown eyes. "He's a good person, why does he have to go through so much pain? He doesn't deserve it!"
Harry only looked at Ginny, thinking about her words. Remus was a good person who had gone through nothing but pain. Harry tried to connect that with himself, but he couldn't, because he didn't see himself as a good person. Harry only saw the freak the Dursleys forced himself to believe. A freak who deserved bad things to happen to him.
"Harry! Ginny!" Ron suddenly shouted as he landed on the ground. He held his broom beside him. "Mum wants us back at the castle. I think the meeting has finished."
It wasn't long until they reached the castle where Mrs. Weasley was waiting for them. Some of the Order members who weren't leaving by floo, but by Apparition, had begun to file out of the castle.
"Come, children, we are flooing back home through Professor Dumbledore's office. Harry, dear, Professor Snape is waiting for you outside the Great Hall."
"Mum, can we visit Lupin before we go?" Ron asked hopefully.
"No, I'm afraid not. Professor Snape just told us how he'd found him. He's in very bad shape now and needs his rest. We can visit Remus when he's fully recovered."
Ron groaned and Ginny looked disappointed. Harry caught her eye and gave her a small smile, hoping that Ginny knew it meant thank you for their brief escape into the air.
Ginny returned his smile and their eyes connected. Bright-green eyes connected to chocolate-brown and Harry felt himself being swept off his feet. That feeling only lasted a second before their contact broke and before Harry knew it, Ginny was being led away by her mother, up the moving staircase to get to Dumbledore's office.
Harry waved goodbye to the Weasleys and Hermione, who made him promise to write. Hermione had been so glad and relieved to see Harry that morning, and treated him to a brief scolding for not keeping in touch, worrying her and Ron to death. Hermione then demanded why he was staying here at the castle. Harry had kept the part of him living in Severus' quarters out. Making it sound like he was staying in his dormitory in Gryffindor tower because it was safer being at Hogwarts than Privet Drive and the Burrow, especially because Professor Snape was teaching him Occlumency. He'd felt really bad for lying. Another thing to add to the list of negative thoughts towards himself, pathetic, freak, stupid, weak, disrespectful and a liar. Who was Harry kidding, fancying Ginny... She deserved much better...
As Harry walked nearer to the Great Hall, trying to fight the negative thoughts of himself swirling in his mind, he suddenly heard voices. Harry knew he shouldn't eavesdrop, but he couldn't help it.
"Why is Potter staying with you in your quarters? Why can't he just stay in Gryffindor tower? Does the Dark Lord know about this?"
"Keep the Dark Lord out of this for now! And you're forbidden to release any information to your mother. Remember, I need to keep my cover, so don't go prying into things you don't know anything about! Potter is residing with me only on the headmaster's orders, I have no choice."
"Are you sure it's only due to the headmaster's orders? That argument you had this morning with him was bloody intense, and you keep taking his side! Something's different about you, you're nicer around him…"
"Draco, enough!"
"I cannot thank you enough, Severus, for assisting Madam Pomfrey in caring for Remus." The voice of Dumbledore suddenly interrupted the small argument between Severus and Malfoy.
"Don't mention it, Headmaster. I was just doing my duty, just like how I've agreed to babysit Potter for you until term starts. It's only duty and nothing else."
Harry didn't like how those words sounded. He could hear the coldness in them. The emptiness, void of any warmth that Harry had grown used to during their brief camping trip.
Harry frowned…. It was all for duty, nothing else?
So everything they've gone through… The camping trip, the bonding, the talks they've had, was all for nothing? This whole time, was it all just an act? Because Severus was bounded by duty?
Only for duty?
Harry didn't realize the footsteps coming closer. He didn't realize, so lost in his thoughts, that Severus and Dumbledore had finished talking, and Severus was headed right towards Harry with Malfoy beside him.
"Potter," Severus said in a business-like tone and a stern gaze.
Harry felt his hands shake as he gave Severus a murderous glare. He was a fool to think that Severus really cared. He was a fool to believe him, to consider trusting him.
It all meant nothing to Severus Snape!
"You liar!" The words came out of his mouth before Harry could stop them.
Severus stopped in his tracks. Malfoy sneered at Harry. After everything that's happened between them… Harry knew it was too good to be true! Severus never cared! It was all lies! And now that he has Malfoy with him, he was going to revert to his old hateful-self again!
Harry saw Severus stepping towards him, reaching out a hand to probably touch his shoulder, as if to understand why Harry was suddenly so angry. But Harry wouldn't have none of it, he flinched away and shouted, "Don't touch me!" He then turned around and ran as if his life depended on it.
Harry had no idea where he was running to, only that he wanted to be as far away from Snape and Malfoy as possible. The lump in his throat threatened Harry with unshed tears. He willed himself not to cry. No, Harry would spare himself at least that one shred of dignity he had left.
Memories of the days they'd spent camping, the conversations they'd shared flashed through Harry's mind, leaving a deep stabbing pain in his heart. Tears blurred his vision, forcing Harry to stop running.
Severus' words echoed in Harry's mind… It was my duty… Babysitting Potter… Duty… Nothing else, only duty….
The Dursleys were right. How could Harry ever think otherwise?
How could he let his guard down?
How could Harry believe the possibility of actually having a caring guardian?
Those thoughts made Harry realize even more that he was nothing more than a freak who didn't deserve love. The knowledge of that hit him full force in the heart. And all the insecurities that Harry was trying so hard to keep at bay, now plagued him. Warm tears spilled down his cheek as he sat behind a suit of armor. The darkness hid Harry completely from anyone passing by.
Fuck! I'm so stupid for letting Severus in! For even thinking about trusting him! He's on Voldemort's side, he's on Malfoy's side! Severus doesn't care about me! He hates me! It was all lies, and I believed him! Why do I have to be so bloody weak and pathetic! I'm such a freak!
"Harry!"
Harry jumped at the sound of his name. He shrank further into the darkness when he saw it was only Severus looking for him.
"Harry, please come out wherever you're hiding! And I'll explain!" Severus shouted again, before his footsteps faded away as he turned a corner.
Harry didn't hear the worry in the professor's voice or the panic. The only thing he'd heard was Uncle Vernon calling him a burden and a freak. Aunt Petunia saying he didn't deserve to be loved because he was a nasty little boy. The words were echoing so loud in Harry's head.
And Severus' voice was the worst one of all… Only duty and nothing else….
Harry mentally imagined himself behind his brick wall, where his deep childhood pain and insecurities were kept. Harry buried his face into his knees. He couldn't breathe. His chest began to hurt from the lack of oxygen, and his body began to tremble as memories clouded his vision.
Terrible memories that Harry tried so hard to forget….
And all the thoughts Harry had that morning, the emotions he had felt… Anger and grief, the mistrust, the fear, the anxiety… It all came rushing back.
Harry tried to think of something else, anything to get rid of the pain.
Something gleaming in the darkness caught his eye. It made Harry's painful memories fade away for only a moment….
There was something poking out of the suit of armor's metal leg….
A loose rusted nail...
Harry yanked it out with a bit of strength. He then pressed the cold rusted pointed edge to his skin. It felt cool against his skin, as if it were already promising to take all of Harry's pain away.
And before he knew it, Harry was stabbing the nail down into his skin, creating a long stream of blood. He watched the blood seep out from the cut, enjoying the physical pain that matched his pain inside, before starting another long crimson line.
Harry had no idea how much time had passed. He just knew that now he was able to breathe better. The harder Harry cut, the more the memories and voices faded, the more his body stopped trembling in fear….
Harry started cutting faster, rougher, deeper, until there was nothing left but marred skin tissue and blood.
And Harry just didn't care anymore.
Harry didn't care if he died from the loss of blood.
Harry was done trusting adults….
Harry was tired….
He was lost…..
He was hurting….
And death all of sudden…seemed welcoming….
The nail slipped through Harry's blood-covered fingers.
The world around him began to spin and Harry closed his eyes, fighting off the nausea until everything went dark….
Review Responses:
Caraline Fisher:It's going to get more interesting haha
Samie TW-1D-Merlin-RotG: I hope Sev finds that balance too haha poor guy is going to go crazy before Hogwarts even starts!
Guest: (In response to you being addicted to my story)…. GOOD =)
Cynder2013: I have to agree with you on that one… if it happens, let's just say it was all Dumbledore's fault, lol, thanks for reviewing!
Guest: (upset about poor Mooney)…. I'm sorry! D'=
Savoren: Thank you so much for the compliment! And thanks a lot for reviewing!=)
Guest: (who can't wait to see what's going to happen next) Thanks for reading my story and keep reading my updates! =)
Queen Mandrake: Draco is known as an attention hog… so yeah… Harry might be feeling a bit jealous, I don't even think Severus has noticed it yet... I guess we have to see what happens next. Thanks for reviewing!
Hijoshikina Kitsune nokage: Thank you! I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you read my story all the way until the end! =)
XSerendipity92X: Stop leaving me random happy faces! You're not even reading my story! D'=