Chapter Seventeen – Not Alright
Warning: First parts are a bit gruesome...Blood Description...Self-Harming...
"Harry!" Severus shouted as he walked through the corridors. He paused in his searching for a moment, looking out of the large castle window, lost in thought. Outside Severus could just see the sun setting over the treetops of the black forest.
Why was Harry so upset? Was it the tone in my voice when I spoke to him? I assumed Harry would understand with Draco around. I should've spoken to him about my plans to act distant with him around Draco, until I knew where his loyalties lie! Severus realized, still wondering if that was what made Harry accuse him of being a liar before taking off. Severus couldn't think of any other explanation. I fucked up!
What worried Severus the most, was the distance that had grown between them ever since he'd sent Harry off to the Burrow. The arguments, the conversations they've had, had no impact on Harry. The boy was still unable to trust Severus. And he remembered that morning, finding Harry on the sofa clearly exhausted from not sleeping, closing himself up, refusing to talk to Severus. And he remembered the deep scratches on Harry's arms, Severus cringed at the memory of his own reaction to seeing them and the argument that had followed.
I should've handled that better… I need to stop losing my temper. I need to do better for Harry.
Severus stepped away from the window, frowning in frustration and worry. He had to keep searching, even if it would take all night. There were so many dangerous objects Harry could get a hold of in this castle. Severus was afraid of what state he might even find the boy in.
"Harry!" Severus shouted again, deciding to turn back and double check every shadowy corner in every corridor before moving onto the next.
Harry couldn't have gone too far….
Panic started to wash over Severus after more fruitless searching, and he pushed it away, trying to remain calm.
I'll find him... He'll be okay, Severus kept telling himself as he rounded the corner. He stopped dead in his tracks, Severus' mind unable to register what he was seeing.
A crimson pool of blood was coming from the suit of armor a few feet away… A pale, lifeless hand… And something…something was gleaming on the stone floor in the middle of the corridor.
No...that can't…no….
Severus couldn't move, couldn't think. He just stared at the sight of blood pooling around that pale and lifeless hand until sense came back to him, and Severus forced his legs to run towards Harry.
"Harry! Harry, no!" Severus shouted. He landed on the pool of blood, soaking his robes and knees. Harry was facing downward on the stone floor. Severus could see where the blood was coming from. It was seeping out through Harry's arm, now nothing more than cut-up flesh.
Severus turned Harry over, laying the teen's head onto his lap, cradling him as he inspected Harry's cut-up arm.
Severus tried healing it as best as he could, but there was so much blood, so much blood… So in the end, Severus just gave up. He tore the hem off his robes and used it to staunch the blood flow. Then tore another piece from his robes and wrapped it tightly around Harry's arm, putting pressure on the wounds.
Severus couldn't see or think straight. He just kept thinking that he was supposed to keep Harry safe. He was supposed to help this troubled teen through his depression, but he'd failed. He had failed Harry, his kid… Severus failed to figure out what was wrong and now this was Harry crying out. And what made this so utterly worse, was the fact that Severus did not have a sure reason for what made Harry so upset to run off and do this.
Why did he call me a liar? What happened? And feeling so angry with himself, Severus wished he knew.
"I'm so sorry, son," Severus moaned.
The piece of cloth around Harry's arm was now heavily soaked, so he ripped another piece from his robes, pressing it tight to the wounds. The cloth was soaked in seconds as Severus applied more pressure to stop the bleeding. He tied another piece tightly around Harry's arm again, but it was no use. Too much blood was still flowing out.
Hugging Harry close to him, Severus lifted him up, making sure he still had one hand tightly pressed against Harry's wound. Blood was seeping through Severus' fingers. He then began to make a run to the hospital wing. If he hadn't been running to save his unconscious, bleeding charge from death, Severus would've stopped in his tracks. He would've stood there in shock for what he'd just called James Potter's son, the boy Severus had spent five years hating and bullying. But there was no time for that, Severus just had to keep running. It was too much blood. He had to keep running and not think about anything other than getting Harry to Madam Pomfrey.
"Severus, what on earth?" Madam Pomfrey gasped from where she stood. She closed the curtains immediately around Lupin's bed, holding a small wooden crate full of used potion bottles.
"Put him right down here," Madam Pomfrey said, indicating a bed right across from Lupin.
Severus laid Harry down. And Madam Pomfrey wasted no time in tearing the rags off of Harry's bloody arm. She quickly started muttering spells to stop the bleeding and clean the wound at the same time, reminding Severus again how quick and talented she was in her field. Severus would never be able to pull off two medical spells like that at once with such speed and accuracy.
Watching Madam Pomfrey work, and unable to move, Severus realized his face felt wet. He wiped his cheeks, then looked down at his hands in shock, having forgotten that they were covered in blood.
"Harry was upset…he ran… I found him like this… Help him!" Severus stammered out, his eyes still on his bloody hands.
What was wrong with him? He'd never lost face like this in a tough situation before. Severus was no stranger to blood and death, having seen things far more gruesome when in the presence of the Dark Lord. And perhaps it was seeing his kid like this, seeing Harry so close to death, covered in blood, that had shaken Severus to his core.
"Don't worry, Severus, I got him. Just hang in there, I think you're in shock. Please bring me some Blood Replenishing Potions," Madam Pomfrey was able to say between spells.
Severus nodded, wiping his hands on his robes, trying to get the blood off. He had to pull himself together. Harry needed him. This wasn't a time to panic or go into shock.
When Severus came back with the requested potions, Harry's arm was bandaged up and he was sleeping comfortably in bed. Madam Pomfrey took the potions from Severus and poured them down Harry's throat, massaging his throat to help it go down.
Severus sat down on the chair next to the bed. He put his face in his hands, trying to calm down and get over the shock he was in. He just couldn't believe this was happening.
"Severus," Madam Pomfrey knelt down, putting a soft hand on his shoulder. "Let me clean the blood off your face and hands." Severus looked up and she waved her wand, causing the blood to disappear.
"I know Harry was brought here to be under your care for his safety. That was all I was told. I know there's more to it than that, you have to tell me," Madame Pomfrey said quietly as she stood up. "How did this happen? Did he do this to himself?"
Severus nodded, his throat closing up at the thought. And he didn't know why he was reacting like this, why his strong mask that Severus always hid behind was failing him. Severus was letting his emotions get the best of him and he couldn't stop it. And now he was crying… What's happening to me?
Maybe, it was because Severus wasn't supposed to care for Harry this much. This whole thing was only meant to be temporary. But Harry had grown on Severus, and the idea of his kid resorting to cutting himself, to go this far to the point where he could die, broke Severus' heart.
Lost in thought, Severus gazed down at the unconscious teen who was pale as death.
How did this happen? When did I start referring to you as my kid? I'm supposed to hate you, not…love… Then Severus stopped that train of thought because this was the son of his arch enemy, James Potter, who had once made Severus' life a living hell.
And during the past five years, seeing her eyes, Lily's eyes, in the face of his enemy, the pain of that was so raw. There was a time when he couldn't bear to look at Harry, and so Severus hated him from the start. But now after the past weeks, with Harry now in his care, Severus no longer saw James Potter or even Lily in him. Severus saw Harry. He grew to learn who Harry was, who he had grown to be, without the influences of his parents.
"Severus, tell me what happened."
Those soft words immediately broke Severus out of his racing thoughts. He looked slowly up at the matron. They've worked alongside each other for so long, and now he decided it was time to trust this woman.
"Harry… He was entrusted into my care because…" Severus didn't even know where to start. He wasn't even sure how much to reveal.
"Albus had me take Harry from his relatives because he was greatly affected by the death of his godfather. He wasn't handling his grief well. Also, I'd found out Harry was being abused by his relatives. To cope with all that, he'd started cutting himself. That is why Albus thought it would be safer if I watched over him, but I've failed… I wasn't able to protect him," Severus choked out, feeling so embarrassed for allowing the matron to see him without his mask.
"You did not fail Harry, Severus, you couldn't have prevented this... And he'll be alright now. You got him here just in time. That's all that matters."
Severus kept his gaze on Harry with his heavily bandaged arm. Severus sadly shook his head. "He's not alright," he choked out, his heart breaking into pieces.
Harry was flying through the wind. Laughing at the cool breeze that was blowing against his face and rushing through his hair, and at the exhilaration of flight and speed. Harry flew higher and higher on his Firebolt, feeling free.
And then suddenly, he was falling through the clouds, but Harry wasn't afraid.
Warmth washed over him.
And Harry was now laying on something soft and comfortable.
He could smell the scents of dried leafy herbs. He didn't know why, but Harry wanted to stay like this forever. Just be warm and comfy with the feeling that nothing could hurt him here.
As soon as that thought passed, voices disturbed his peaceful sleep, bringing him back to an unwanted reality.
.
.
"That should do it for this evening, Severus." Harry recognized Madam Pomfrey's gentle tone.
Where am I? Harry opened his eyes a crack. The world was blurry, and so he closed them again, concentrating hard on the last thing he remembered before waking up.
There was pain, a searing pain on his arm. And Harry remembered blood, seeing lots of blood and the gleam of a shiny, yet rusted nail. There was dizziness and shadows, and Harry remembered a voice, it was Severus' voice calling after him. And then Harry recalled the feeling of betrayal in his heart, but he couldn't remember why.
And listening to the voices in the room, Harry realized he must be in the hospital wing. He kept his eyes close, trying to understand the vague flashes in his memory, and not wanting them to know he was awake just yet.
What did I do to myself? Harry wondered, feeling the stiff and heavy weight on his left arm.
"I wouldn't be surprised if Remus woke up during the night. The poison in his system is completely gone. Now all he has to do is rest and recover, and stay on the medicinal potions regime I've created for him for the next few weeks."
"Good news, indeed…" The gruff voice of Severus Snape was heard, with a trace of his usual sarcasm and bitterness.
And now that Harry was awake and fully aware of his body, his arm was searing greatly with pain. And again, this time with a touch of panic and confusion, Harry wondered what happened, how he'd ended up in the hospital wing. He could barely remember anything. And the sound of Severus' voice somewhere in the distance soothed Harry, calming him down, and he wanted the professor besides him, but he couldn't give into those feelings. It was stupid of Harry to want him, to even think about going to him for comfort when he knew that somehow the professor had betrayed him.
"Why, Severus, you sound like you don't want Remus to recover," Madam Pomfrey replied.
"No, just worried if he'll be strong enough to properly care for Harry. Do you think Lupin would even be the same? What if he's not himself when he awakes?"
Harry froze at those words. Memory of Severus' and Draco's conversation echoed in his head. He remembered suddenly why he was feeling angry and betrayed towards the professor.
Severus never cared for me… He's already talking about giving me away!
Harry knew he was originally supposed to be in Remus' care, but as time went on, Harry found himself hoping if he could stay with Severus. He knew they both fought a lot, Harry knew that he made it difficult sometimes, yet despite all that, Harry found himself wanting to try, even considering, to trust Severus.
Harry wasn't sure when it happened, maybe it was during the camping trip when he somehow started seeing Severus as someone he could look up to, someone almost like a father figure. Harry felt so stupid for even thinking about that now. Somehow Severus had started climbing over Harry's sturdy brick wall and Harry had forgotten his rule to not trust adults, allowing it to happen.
And then Harry remembered fully why he was waking up at the hospital wing. The words of betrayal that Severus had said echoed in his head, as memories of what Harry had done to himself came rushing back. How could he ever trust Severus now?
"I know you're awake, kid," a deep voice suddenly said, ripping Harry out of his thoughts. So Harry forced himself to open his heavy eyes again.
"I'm not going to shout at you," Severus said in his deep and strict tone of voice, as he gently placed Harry's glasses on his face. "Just tell me… Why?" he said.
With his vision now clear, Harry looked at the professor. Severus looked tired, black bags were under his eyes, his face paler than usual.
"I don't know why," Harry muttered as he looked at his heavily bandaged arm, mentally sitting behind his brick wall where Severus Snape couldn't reach him. "I don't..."
"Do not give me that!" Severus hissed through gritted teeth, glancing at Narcissa's closed bedroom door before putting a silencing charm around them. "No, don't you dare tell me…that you don't know why you've decided to mangle your arm!"
Harry flinched at the deep disappointment and hurt in the professor's tone, keeping his gaze down.
Harry imagined Severus on the other side, banging his fist against Harry's brick wall. Shouting at Harry to let him in. The mental wall held its own, never wavering, sturdy and protective, as it has been for years.
Why is Severus acting angry? I'm the one angry at him!
"Harry, can you just look at me and talk to me for once?" Suddenly, rough hands grabbed his chin, forcing him to look up at the angry Potions Professor.
Caught off guard, Harry jumped in fear. "Don't touch me!" he shouted, pulling his face away from Severus' grip, scooting as far away as possible from him on the bed.
"Don't!" Harry shouted again, when Severus was going to ask again for an explanation to his behavior.
Harry rolled over onto his side with his back facing Severus, who was not one to be trusted anymore. He never cared for Harry. It was all just an act, and it was all just for duty.
Who would even care for such a pathetic freak like me anyway? I should've known….
"Harry… Please just…" Severus said quietly.
Harry refused to answer. His body tensed with anger and betrayal as he felt himself closing up inside, keeping Severus out. Harry imagined himself hiding behind his wall, safe from guardians that only hurt him. Harry heard Severus stand up and back away from his bed, the professor's footsteps loud against the stone floor, until the doors of the hospital wings slammed shut.
Tears began to spill out of Harry's eyes before he could stop them. He could feel his heart breaking as Harry refused to think of a guardian he'd almost trusted.
Severus' feet carried him all the way back to his quarters. He ignored Draco who was reading on the sofa in the living room. Severus slammed the door of his room shut behind him, locking it with a powerful spell before making his way through another door that led him inside to his potions lab. Severus didn't want to let himself think about what just happened. He didn't want to give in to the anger and hurt that was building up inside so strongly, that it caused his hands to tremble. Severus suddenly shouted out in pent up frustration, he couldn't bear it anymore. He couldn't stand seeing those betrayed green eyes in his mind again. He knocked over a pile of rusted cauldrons near the door, their loud clanging filled the room as they toppled to the floor.
Breathing heavily, Severus leaned on the table with his palms pressed against the cool black surface. His head bowed down as he tried to think why Harry was so angry with him. Why the boy refused to talk to him, refused to even let Severus near him.
What happened? It has to be the way I've spoken to him…but didn't he see Draco there?
Suddenly the room glowed green. Severus did not look up, already knowing who it was. No one else dared to floo into his private lab, other than Albus Dumbledore.
"He hates me," Severus choked out, not looking up, nor moving from where he stood. "Apparently, I've betrayed him… I've gathered that much before he closed up."
"That doesn't mean you have to give up, Severus." The voice of Albus filled the dark, cold potions lab, echoing off the walls, and sounding louder than Albus must've intended.
"I'm not cut out for this!" Severus shouted, whirling around to face the old man who'd forced this impossible task on him.
"Why did you make me do this? You knew how much Harry and I hated each other! You knew that there was no way this could possibly work! I hated James Potter! I hated him and I hated his son for it! How can I be the right person to watch that boy?! I can't do it, Albus!" Severus shouted as loud as he could.
Albus just calmly stood there, not saying a word as if he were waiting until Severus was done throwing his tantrum. That infuriating calm look in those blue eyes behind half-moon glasses frustrated Severus even more. He wanted to say such hurtful words to the headmaster, to make him feel his own pain, however, Severus forced himself not to, showing how much he respected Albus.
"Yes, of course I knew of your differences with Harry, but that doesn't make you a less than fit person for the job. There's a reason why I've chosen you for this, because I knew that you, besides Remus, would be the only one who could truly love Harry for who he is, to treat him as your own son."
"Why me, Albus? Why is it that I can only love him? I've never loved anyone or cared for anyone, except his mother."
"Ah, and that's the reason why. For you, Severus, who has loved so much, and lost it all. Who had to go through so much pain and grief, and hate Lily Potter's son with an intensity that can only be turned to love in the end. You tell me how much you hate that boy, Severus, I only see you loving him just as much. And you can argue against me all you want on this. You know you're the only one who can be a true guardian to Harry, he is yours now. You know that…"
All Severus could do was just shake his head in disbelief. He couldn't understand what Albus was telling him.
What is he talking about? Me, loving the boy I've hated for years? And me, being Harry Potter's only true guardian? That makes me his foster father…no…father to her son... Lily's son… She would've wanted this… I did promise her… I promised her….
Severus' chest was building up from the pressure of shock and stress. His throat started to close up and he felt tears well up from behind his eyes, but Severus refused to let them go. Just a while ago, wasn't Severus just referring to Harry as his kid?
"Why are you speaking as if the Ministry has already granted me custody over Harry?! It's not official, Albus, stop talking as if I'm officially his guardian! This was supposed to be temporary! I am not fit to be a parent! That kid won't even look at me! Harry hates me! He won't talk to me and, Merlin, he won't tell me why!"
"That's actually why I've come here, Severus. Not only to make sure you were okay after Harry's incident last night, but I've just arrived from the Ministry. I've filed a report so you can become the official guardian of Harry. I brought the contract. Everything has been approved. All you have to do is sign it and have Petunia Dursley give you her consent."
Severus gaped in shock. "A guardian transfer for a minor… But how? How did you let them agree so suddenly and quietly? That's impossible, Albus, and what about Lupin?"
"I must admit, sometimes it's a perk to being me," Albus chuckled. "I have a great influence over the Wizarding Department of Child Protective Services, also the Minister has no say in this. It was crucial to do this without anyone knowing."
"But Lupin, he…he was supposed to be next in line."
"Remus would have been, yes, but unfortunately because he is a werewolf, he would've never been granted official guardianship. Alas, even my influences over the department aren't powerful enough. I need Harry to remain absolutely safe. Once the knowledge of him no longer being in the care of his relatives goes out, Harry could easily fall into the wrong hands. I can't have him without a guardian I fully trust and risk him going into the care of the Ministry, for if that happens, we can lose him to the foster system or even into Voldemort's hands."
"But what about the Weasleys?" Severus said weakly, still in denial.
"Severus, I trust you to do this. You have to take this chance or you'll very much regret it."
Albus placed the document on the table. "I'll let you ponder on this for a while, but do not give it too much time, Harry's waiting for you."
"Albus, he doesn't want to talk to me." Severus' eyes were trained on the document.
"He will soon enough, Severus, he's just waiting for you to show him how much you truly care for him."
"He knows that already. He knows I care for him." Severus' eyes were still on the document, the words Guardian to Harry James Potter etched onto the paper in black ink.
"Have you told him? Harry, who has only been exposed to neglect and abuse needs to be directly told that you care for him over and over. Assuming that he knows, won't help you."
Albus suddenly stood in front of Severus, holding something out to him wrapped in his periwinkle handkerchief, his long initials were embroidered in silver thread. Severus gave the old wizard a quizzical look before taking it.
"I found it in the corridor…" Albus said, as Severus opened it up. The blue folds of the handkerchief revealed a shiny, yet rusting nail. The sharp end of it was covered in dried blood.
"Is this what Harry used to…" The rest of his words were caught in Severus' throat.
"He needs you, Severus."
"I..." Severus was lost at first, his gaze transfixed on the sharp bloody nail. Then his gaze hardened, and he glared at Albus. "Why are you doing this? There are so many eligible, trustworthy witches and wizards who'll gladly become Harry's guardian. But you chose me… you chose me, knowing that in the end it's all going to fall apart. How can you do this to Harry? How can you ask so much from me, to allow me to open my heart to a chance of a family, only to have me kill you when the time is right? You know Harry won't take that well. It's going to destroy him once he learns that the only adult he grows to trust has betrayed him… And again, apparently, since he won't bloody talk to me!"
"Severus, you promised me that you would complete the task for me, it is of the utmost importance that you do not fail. I know that what I'm asking of you is going to be hard, but I assure you that you and Harry will get through it. In the end, he'll know why you had to. In the end, he'll see that you did all you could to help him through this war."
Letting out a snort of contempt, Severus snapped, "As much as I want to, I'm not turning back on my promise to you. I can't anyways, because of that Unbreakable Vow I did for Narcissa."
Albus nodded. "Thank you, Severus… I've talked to Harry before I arrived here."
"What did he say?" Severus frowned at the idea of Harry preferring to talk to the headmaster over him.
"He just asked about his vision. He seemed to want to avoid the subject of you and cutting himself all together."
Severus scowled. "Harry can't go on acting like this didn't happen. I won't let him!" Another thought suddenly occurred to him. "Wait, Albus, if I sign this document, the Dark Lord surely would find out."
"Everything is done under the strict rules of confidentiality to the minor. The only people who can access the file are you, me and Harry. Voldemort shouldn't have to find out just yet. We still have time. Trust me, Severus."
The fireplace suddenly glowed green once more.
"Albus, Severus!" Madam Pomfrey shouted. "It's Remus, he's awake!" Her face disappeared, the flames turning orange once more.
Wasting no time, Severus shoved the wrapped up nail into his pocket and flooed straight to the hospital wing with Albus right behind him.
.
.
The first thing Severus noticed upon entering the hospital wing from Madam Pomfrey's office was Harry. He was sitting up, his green eyes wide and frightened.
Why is he afraid? Shouldn't Harry be happy? His bloody wolf is awake!
A low growl reached Severus' ears, he turned around slowly. Remus Lupin was crouching near the headboard of his bed. His eyes were the first thing Severus noticed. It brought him back to a time when he was sixteen at Hogwarts. The taunting words Sirius Black had spoken to lure Severus to the Whomping Willow to satisfy his curiosity on the mystery of Remus Lupin was still fresh in his memory. Sharp teeth and grey fur was all Severus remembered along with those eyes, those bright, golden, monstrous eyes that haunted Severus for weeks after the night of each full-moon.
Hatred and fear rushed through Severus. And he remembered why he loathed Lupin. He hated the very existence of this man as much as he hated those two Gryffindor idiots, Potter and Black. How did Severus let himself forget how dangerous Remus Lupin could be?
I can't put Harry in danger like this! What was I thinking, to let Harry be taken care of by a werewolf?
In fact, Severus was afraid something like this might happen. He had spoken about his concerns to Madam Pomfrey just before Harry awoke, that Lupin may not be the same. And now this was proof that the trauma Lupin had gone through was too much for him, causing him to be too weak to mentally fight against the beast inside him.
Another growl came from Lupin, louder than the first one.
"Step back, Poppy," Albus said slowly.
Severus didn't dare turn to look at the headmaster, he didn't dare move.
Lupin froze at the sound of Albus' voice, his golden eyes glaring at everything that moved.
Severus slowly pulled out his wand, aiming it right at Lupin.
"No, don't hurt him!"
A shout from behind Severus made him turn around in surprise. It was Harry, jumping out of his bed, and standing between Severus' wand and the growling werewolf.
"Don't hurt him, Snape! He's just scared!"
Snape?
Before Severus could answer, however, a loud growl rang throughout the hospital wing. A blur of golden hair and striped pajamas leaped at Harry. Harry stepped back, knocking into Severus and falling to the floor.
"Stupefy!" Albus shouted.
Lupin fell to the floor, unconscious in front of Harry, who stared at the werewolf in fear and shock.
"Harry!" Severus shouted. "Did he hurt you?!"
Severus knelt down to Harry's eye level, and grabbed him by the shoulders, inspecting his arms and legs for scratches.
Harry pulled himself away. "No," he said. "I'm fine!"
Severus could see Harry shaking. He could see the shock of being attacked by his beloved werewolf in those green eyes.
Albus levitated Lupin back to his bed, restraining his wrists and ankles to the bed posts for safety as Madam Pomfrey examined the werewolf for any damages. Meanwhile, Severus guided a shocked Harry back to his bed.
"You know you can sleep in your room tonight..."
Why was his voice sounding like that? Awkward and hoarse… Severus wondered. He tried not to think of Harry calling him Snape, like he used to before they'd grown to know each other.
Harry only shook his head, climbing back into bed and pulling the covers back over himself. Severus could tell Harry was closing up inside of himself, refusing to speak to him. Severus felt so far away from his kid, as if something were blocking him.
"Lupin wasn't in his right mind," Severus said, trying to assure the boy that the attack wasn't intentional. "He didn't mean to hurt you."
"I know," Harry said stiffly.
"Do you want me to help you with Occlumency tonight?" Severus hated himself for making small talk. Why couldn't Severus just say what he really wanted to say? To demand why Harry was so angry at him. Why did he all of a sudden distrust him? Why was Severus getting shut out? But Severus knew if he did that, it would only make things worse.
"No, I'm fine," Harry muttered, turning on his side like before, his back towards Severus again.
Severus, glancing at the door of Narcissa's room, where it was heavily guarded with silencing spells and charms to keep her in, muttered a charm to make the aristocratic women see only an empty bed. Just in case she should decide to come out, keeping Harry safe from her.
More minutes passed, Severus still didn't say anything. Harry didn't say anything. He would've thought the boy was sleeping if it weren't for his still breathing and the tense atmosphere. But Severus stayed there, showing Harry that he could be mad at him all he wanted, he could shut Severus out, accuse him of being a liar and a betrayer, but Severus wasn't going anywhere.
And when Harry did fall asleep, Severus could tell by the way his breathing became heavy, and his grip on the blankets slackened. And he gently pulled the round glasses off of Harry's face, placing them on the table.
Unintentionally, Severus stayed by Harry's side for hours, trying to figure out the questions racing through his mind. Like, why did Harry suddenly hate him so deeply? Why was Severus suddenly feeling like something was blocking him from reaching Harry? And why was Albus so bloody convinced that Severus was the only person to be a proper guardian to this boy?
Severus sat there, trying to find the answers to those questions, trying to understand Harry. And trying to figure out when he suddenly started to care deeply for this sleeping teenager, who Severus used to hate for five years.
How the bloody hell did Harry Potter become my kid?
And it was midnight, when Severus finally stood up. He gave the sleeping teen one last worried look, as he whispered, "What am I going to do with you, Harry?" before silently leaving the hospital wing.
.
.
Severus couldn't sleep. The week had passed as stressful and long as he could bear. Lupin was still under the control of the wolf. He slept mostly, but at the time he was awake, he was a feral animal. Madam Pomfrey seemed not to worry too much over this. She said they had to give Lupin time to regain his strength, and at no time at all he would be himself again. Severus could hardly care less what happens to Lupin.
The emotions that had resurfaced when Lupin first woke up took hold of Severus' heart and he found that he was unforgiving.
Back when Severus was a student, everyone…the teachers, the students, all seemed to love Lupin for what reason? Severus never could see why. Lupin was such a scrawny bookworm, who always had some sort of injury or sickness. Severus even doubted that the wolf truly belonged in Gryffindor...he was never brave enough to stand up to his friends.
Severus knew how much Lupin had disapproved of his friends' antics. He had seen it in the way Lupin's brow would crease or the way he would bite his lip as he buried himself into his book whenever their bullying made Lupin uncomfortable. Maybe that was the root to why Severus truly hated the wolf, because he'd never stood up for Severus against his idiot friends, Potter and Black.
Severus took a long sip of his tea, looking again at the document on the table. It had been a week since Albus gave this to him. A week of Severus trying to figure out what he wanted to do. More than anything, he wished Harry would just talk to him. So he could see what the boy might think of this, what Harry wanted... That would make this decision so much easier. Plus, there was also the promised task that hung over Severus' head. The impending doom that everything was going to fall apart and never be the same again.
If Severus signed this, if he took over as Harry's official guardian, caring for the boy, earning back his trust again, and then killing Albus, betraying Harry, ripping everything away from him. Severus couldn't do it, and yet he must… There was no other choice… No way of getting out of it….
Gentle footsteps suddenly sounded behind him, pulling Severus away from his thoughts. He quickly performed a non-verbal spell on the document to disguise it as an article on the newest potion inventions.
Severus didn't have to ask who it was. Harry who was still giving him the cold shoulder, was back in his living quarters under suicide watch 24/7. That was what made this week so long and stressful, all they've done was argue and fight. It was worse than when Harry first arrived here. Harry didn't even call him Severus anymore, he was back to being Professor Snape. Well, Severus had to admit, the only good that came out of this nightmare was that now, Draco was fully convinced that Severus still hated Harry.
So, it was Draco who shuffled into the kitchen. Draco, who sat down looking tired. Severus frowned at the lines of stress etched into the once aristocratic boy's pale face. Draco surprised Severus so much this week by staying out of the way, studying, spending time in the library, visiting his mother and taking long walks outside the castle grounds. Severus, who had once thought that his living quarters were in danger from being blown to bits from Harry's and Draco's constant quarreling, were now actually in danger from Severus' and Harry's never-ending fights.
Severus knew it was the task from the Dark Lord that had changed Draco so much. He knew it was the pressure of succeeding or failing. Draco still hadn't said much about his task and Severus wondered if maybe he was ready tonight.
"What are you doing up?" Severus said in his usual low voice.
Draco shrugged his shoulders. "Potter snores loud, I'm surprised you can't hear him from in here," he said in an obnoxious tone, although it didn't have the usual strength.
"I've noticed you two have stopped quarreling," Severus said, raising an eyebrow at the pale teen. "Should I be worried?"
"You and Potter are doing enough arguing for all three of us," Draco replied.
"Care to explain more?"
Draco shrugged his shoulders "I think we might've come to a truce."
Severus smiled. "Really, now? How did that happen?"
"I don't know… I talked to him when he was in the hospital wing…. I know, Severus, why he was there."
"Did Potter tell you?" Severus frowned. This isn't good….
"No, I figured it out myself. I would pass by his bed on the way to see my mother in the hospital wing. The day before he was released, his curtains were open, and I saw the bandages on his wrists. I had a friend going through that last year, do you remember?"
Severus nodded, remembering the problem Zabini had last year due to the pressure of the Dark Lord rising. Fortunately for Severus, Draco had caught the problem early so they were able to deal with it, before Zabini lost control…like Harry had….
"Have some tea, Draco," Severus said, summoning a mug of warm steaming tea.
It was quiet for a moment, as they enjoyed their tea and the soothing warmth it brought to them, temporarily relieving them of their troubles. Severus could still remember his godson as a small child. The one who used to greet him with so much innocence and joy at the sight of his godfather, but now that child was gone, lost, as he grew up in the middle of the war. And Severus for the first time, longed for a young Draco. He missed the innocence of his godson. Now they were distant. They were not as close as they once were.
"Draco, I know you're keeping something from me. It would help if you could tell me. Maybe I can offer assistance."
The blonde Slytherin shook his head, cradling his tea.
"You cannot help me, even if I did tell you."
"Don't be foolish, Draco, I already know about the task the Dark Lord has set for you," Severus said impatiently. "I know what he wants you to do."
Draco looked at him in shock, almost spilling some of his tea. "You know? But how?"
"I am one of the Dark Lord's most valuable servants. The only Death Eater he truly trusts, now why would he not confide in me of his plans? Especially when it involves you?"
"Does he know that Potter is living with you?"
Severus shook his head. "No, although I wish to tell him, but then, that would give me away to Albus Dumbledore, costing me my role of spy. No, he should not know until the time comes. Madam Pomfrey has told your mother that Potter had been shipped off to a secret location once more, since Dumbledore cannot truly trust her. So it is crucial for Potter to stay inside my quarters less she sees him, until your mother is well enough to go to the safe house Dumbledore has ready for her."
So many lies and secrets, all this for the damn war. Severus hated that he had to act a spy for the Dark Lord to his godson, he truly hated it….
Draco frowned, deep in thought.
"Enough of that discussion, Draco. What we should be concerned about is how you're going to carry out your task."
Draco was quiet for a moment. For a second there, Severus thought it seemed as if the Slytherin was going to let him help, but then Draco frowned. His expression quickly turned stony.
"Why do you want to help me? So you can steal all of the glory? I'm the one who needs to do this, not you. I have to do it on my own, I have to…for my parents."
Severus forced himself to not scowl in annoyance. He forced his facial expression to remain neutral and cold. "Alright, I see there's no use convincing you at this point… At least tell me, Draco, tell me if your mother's intentions are true, has she really switched sides?"
Draco drank the last of his tea. "I don't know. She never told me anything about switching sides until we were here. She won't even talk about it."
Severus frowned. "I'm going to make a deal with you, Draco," he said.
His godson nodded, tired grey eyes looked up at him.
"If this mission goes wrong, if you fail, I'll take the blame. I'll face the Dark Lord's wrath so that he doesn't kill you or your family. I'll do at least that for you, only if you do one simple thing for me."
Draco thought about Severus' words for a while before nodding once more.
"Everything that goes on here, everything that we talk about, the fact that Potter is under my care and he's at a vulnerable stage right now, I want you to keep it all to yourself. Do not reveal anything to your mother, or your aunt or your friends, no one, not even the Dark Lord himself," Severus ordered, hoping beyond hope that this would work.
Severus was worried how much Draco learned just by living here for a week. He was worried that the boy might let it slip to his mother, who could right away inform the Dark Lord himself, and the consequences would be very bad indeed.
"It's crucial that you keep all of this a secret, that you accept my deal, because if not, terrible things would surely happen and lives will be lost. Now, do I have your word?"
Not failing to notice how pale his godson's face became at the words terrible things happening and lives costed, Severus could suddenly see what Mrs. Weasley meant. Draco seemed to enjoy being on the dark side of this war when he was younger, naïve to what it really meant, but now Severus could see how much has Draco changed. How much he was affected by this war. And really, Draco was just a child. A child caught in a war, just like Harry was, afraid of the darkness and the power of the Dark Lord, afraid of the idea of people dying.
And Severus knew…that in the end, he would have to pay for this bargain he made to Draco. He knew Draco would never be able to pull off murdering Albus Dumbledore. It was with a sinking heart, that Severus was once reminded of his promise to Albus, and he hated himself for what he had to do. Severus hated himself for being the one destined to shatter Harry's trust in the end.
.
.
Severus entered his cold bedroom, silently muttering a spell to set the fire going in the fireplace. He had sent Draco back to bed once their discussion was over. The conversation hadn't gone well as Severus hoped. He wanted Draco to confide more about the plans of his task, but Severus was unsuccessful. At least he had Draco's word to not go and spill the secret of Harry staying in his quarters to the Dark Lord or to his mother.
As he was thinking all of this, Severus was hanging up his freshly laundered robes that were left by the house-elves, when he suddenly noticed a folded up piece of muggle parchment on one of his robes.
"What?" Severus muttered to himself. He picked up the parchment, and sitting on his bed, he unfolded it.
It was two pieces of art, a child's drawing. Harry's drawings that Severus had taken before leaving Privet Drive on the night he first brought Harry here. Severus had forgotten about them.
One was of a family. The dad was colored with black hair, just like Harry's. And a mom with green eyes, just like Harry's own. Severus had heard from Hagrid that Harry never knew the names of his parents or what they'd looked like, until he'd started Hogwarts. So how could Harry have gotten the eye and hair color of his deceased parents right? Severus couldn't figure out an explanation, and figured it was just a coincidence.
Severus noticed the way a little drawn Harry was holding hands between his parents. He noticed the clouds around them and the clouds they stood on. The yellow sun right behind James Potter, and scribbled on the corner was My Family in blue crayon. Severus' eyebrows furrowed in deep thought as he analyzed the drawing.
Could this picture mean that Harry knew his family was up in heaven or that Harry wished to be up there with them at the time he'd drawn this?
Frowning, feeling a bit disturbed, Severus pulled the second drawing on top of the first. His frown becoming deeper now, eyes focused on the peculiar drawing. It looked as if Harry was no bigger than six when he drew this.
Why would such a small child draw this?
It was of a small Harry in the dark, sleeping on a bed under the staircase. The small Harry was dreaming of green light. Monsters looking a lot like his uncle, surrounded him in the shadows.
The drawing was rather frightening, and it worried Severus to no end. This picture was evidence of what Harry was feeling as an abused and neglected child. Stressed, Severus rubbed a hand through his hair, bringing it down to rub his face. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. If anyone saw this particular drawing, they would know something was wrong. Didn't anyone notice the abuse as Harry grew up? Didn't anyone at Harry's muggle school see any signs? How could this have happened for so long?
Severus sat in silence, trying to understand these drawings. Trying to figure out what he should do. He then saw the document that he had placed carefully on his desk. Severus stood up and looked at it for the billionth time that week.
If Severus signed it, then he would be Harry's guardian, his parent… Could Severus do it? Would he be able to make a good parent? Would Severus be able to help this abused teen and give him what he needs?
Severus picked up the document and put it on top of the drawings as he sat back down on his bed, trying to tell himself the reasons why he could not sign the paper. The very important reason being that he was destined to be Albus' murderer. Plus, Severus, who had an abusive childhood himself, could not be the right person to take care of Harry.
What if Severus made a mistake? What if he got too angry one day and lashed out like his father. This abuse could be a cycle sometimes. The abused becoming the abuser, something Severus never understood. And he knew he was like his father sometimes. Severus was his father when he was at his very worst, angry and mean. He didn't want to hurt Harry like that. But Harry... He needs someone. Severus couldn't bear the idea of Harry going to another family, who won't love him or take care of him, or help him with his depression...
That led to another thought. What if Harry went to a new family and they did not take care of his bad habit of cutting himself? That could send Harry over the edge. The stress of living with people he didn't know... It could kill him… No, Harry needed to be with someone who deeply cared for him, someone familiar to him, and knew of his self-harming, and could help him through it. Severus tried to think of anyone who was fit for the job, but honestly...he could not.
The Weasleys had enough children to worry about. Lupin would never be granted full guardianship, nor would Hagrid for being a half giant. There had to be someone…but no….
There wasn't anyone. And Severus was starting to see why Albus chose him. At the thought of Albus, Severus suddenly remembered what the headmaster had given him.
"Accio, nail!" Severus chanted. The periwinkle handkerchief zoomed out from Severus' unlocked desk drawer and into his hand. He unfolded it slowly, revealing the sinister rusted shine of the tool Harry used to mangle his arm.
"He needs you, Severus," Albus' words echoed in Severus' mind.
Severus shook his head and stood up, his movements quick, robotic, as if his mind was not thinking at all about the big responsibility he was now putting onto his shoulders. Maybe this would help ease the tension between him and Harry, maybe this would give Harry proof enough that Severus in fact, does care for him. So it was with a heart full of worry, anticipation and excitement to the chance of a new family…Severus signed his name on the document with glistening black ink.
.
.
The night was warm and stifling. It had only been weeks since Severus had come here to pick up Harry. However, no one would ever know if even a day had passed by in this suburban muggle neighborhood. Everything looked exactly the same. Even the flowers and plants haven't wilted under the hot summer sun.
Severus knocked on the door of number four Privet Drive. He did not even bother to change into muggle clothes before arriving. He had Disapperated from Hogwarts as soon as he signed the guardianship form, only pausing to summon Dobby to watch his sleeping teenagers and to alert him if one shall wake.
Severus rang the doorbell this time, assuming he was waking the Dursleys up from sleep. He heard the rustle of footsteps on the other side of the door before it opened to reveal an angry and sleepy-looking Vernon Dursley, dressed only in his pajamas and bathrobe. His hair on his fat head was mused up and his mustache was sticking up in every direction. Dursley glared at Severus through small piggy-eyes, eyeing the black wizarding robes he was wearing.
"Get in quick!" Dursley muttered before looking up and down the street, as if his neighbors would actually be up at this ungodly hour to spy on them.
Severus rolled his eyes and entered the house. He could see the locked door of Harry's cupboard. Glaring at it, he immediately stalked over to it with billowing black robes around him, and slammed open the door, wanting to get a second look at Harry's childhood bedroom. It reminded Severus why he was here, it gave him the strength to go on.
"Hey, what are you doing, you freak?!" Dursley bellowed.
Severus ignored him as he turned on the little light. The dim light glowed and flickered unnaturally, showing him the small cot, the thin rags for blankets and clothes, and shelves of muggle cleaning chemicals and junk.
"Hey, I'm talking to you, you worthless piece of..."
Severus whirled around, so that the tip of his wand pressed into the muggle's large chest.
"One more word, Dursley, and I swear, I'm going to hex you into the worthless swine that you are," Severus said in a barely controlled voice.
"What is going on?" a voice suddenly came from above them. "Vernon!"
Severus looked up to see Petunia standing on the stairs, looking over the railing at them.
Severus brought his gaze back to the muggle in front of him. He had been waiting for so long to do this. So long, to have the chance to hex this muggle into oblivion for what he'd done to his kid!
"Give me one reason why I should not do it, Dursley, one word."
Dursley's face turned a nasty shade of purple, only muttering a few unintelligible words.
Severus impatiently pushed Dursley roughly up against the wall. "You've made that boy's life a living hell! Do you have any idea what you've done to him?!" Severus roared.
"Snape, stop it!"
"Your husband deserves what's coming to him! He'd hurt her only son!"
"Snape! I don't know much about your world, but I do know enough that you'll be sent to that Azkaban prison if you violently use magic against us. Now, that wouldn't help Harry at all, would it?"
Severus pressed his wand deep into Dursley's chest. He so much wanted to hex him, all he had to do was say the word. Nothing was stopping him…accept…Harry… And Severus knew Petunia was right. If he did something to this man, then that could ruin his chance of becoming Harry's guardian. With severe will-power, Severus put his wand down. Dursley gasped in fear and slid to the floor, shaking, his face an ugly purple color.
Petunia ran to her husband, making sure he was alright before glaring back at him.
"I barely touched you!" Severus scowled at the cowering muggle.
"Enough of that! Why are you here, Snape?" she snapped at him. "You've taken Harry, so what are you doing here?"
"I've come to collect your signature, stating your consent that you will allow Harry to leave your care. I want to be his new guardian."
Petunia didn't say anything, she just glared at him before helping her husband to his feet. "Come, let's go to the kitchen," she said.
Petunia led a shocked Vernon Dursley to the kitchen and sat him down at the round table, then started to make a cup of tea for him. Severus leaned against the doorway, waiting.
Until Dursley was calmed down with a cup of hot tea in front of him, did Petunia finally turn to Severus for an explanation.
"Well, what is this about, Snape?" Petunia snapped, still clearly angry for showing up at the dead of night to attack her husband.
He gave her the parchment stating for a minor transfer with Severus' signature glistening in black ink. He pulled out a quill and a bottle of ink and set them down on the table.
"Harry refuses to return here, leaving him without a proper home to return to during the holidays. It's not safe for Harry to be without a proper legal guardian. He can fall into the wrong hands if the Ministry shall ever find out. The last thing we need is Harry getting lost in the foster system."
Dursley snorted from his cup of tea, "I should've ruddy tossed that freak into the bloody orphanage!"
Severus gave him a withering glare, trying again to not hex the man.
"I've signed the document stating that I'll take over as Harry's guardian until he is of age. All you need to do is sign your consent," Severus finished, eyes still glaring at Dursley.
"What about the wards on our house?" Petunia asked. "If I sign, will we still be safe from that dark wizard?"
"Yes, as long as you still offer Harry a place here, if anything should happen. A legal document should not interfere, since it is an ancient blood magic."
Petunia nodded, still reading the document. "So if I sign this, then only legally, Harry is no longer ours?" she said.
Severus tore his disgusted glare away from Dursley, locking onto Petunia, rage coursing through his blood at her words.
"No longer yours?" Severus said slowly. "You have no right saying he was ever yours! You who forced him to call himself a freak, to make him feel like he was not worthy of love or a family! You've destroyed his self-esteem!" Severus shouted. "Your husband was not the only abuser here! You've hurt him in the worst possible way, Petunia! And Lily will never forgive you for what you've done!"
Petunia glared at him, tears were shining in her beady eyes as she quickly signed the document and threw it at him. "Go, Snape, you've got what you wanted!" she yelled. "You've taken Lily from me, and now you've taken Harry, so I hope you're happy!"
Severus growled as he collected the parchment and stalked out of the house, not even bothering to say the angry tirade of comebacks racing through his mind. Petunia was right. Severus had got what he wanted. Now there was no point in sticking around.
So, it was with a swift of billowing black robes, that Severus Snape finally Disapparated from the wretched muggles with a loud pop back to Hogwarts, back to his now legal son.
Review Responses!
Insolitasum: Yes… yes my plan of leaving you guys with a horrible cliffhanger has worked! =D haha, I'm just glad you loved my story. Thanks for reviewing.
PotterGirl19: hmm I am planning on writing Remus' reaction, I'm sort of curious myself. Thanks for reviewing =)
SevHarry: yes! I know how you feel with the school work =( and yep I'm planning on a true relationship for Harry and Ginny, because well.. Harry deserves happiness, now I won't promise you on the idea of no more emotional rollercoasters haha. Thanks for reviewing!
Sevharry1: hmmm… Harry and Draco bonding? I guess we have to wait and see lol. No comment on the idea of Harry listening to Severus! =D
Sakraprace: yes correct! Haha and I hoped you enjoyed my chapter. Thanks for reviewing!
Savoren: Harry is physically okay =) and yes I got an A!
Caraline Fisher: yeah I know.. lol but I hoped this chapter made up for it.