Chapter Nineteen - Do Not Lose Yourself In The Past
Severus had no time to waste as he returned to Hogwarts through Albus' fireplace with Harry and Draco. He silently kept up his fast pace through the castle, the boys keeping up behind him. When they neared the hospital wing, Severus finally stopped and turned around, facing them.
"This is where we'll part ways. I want you two to go straight down to the dungeons, no detours, straight to my quarters and to bed!"
"You're not going to tell us what's going on with Remus?" Harry asked worriedly.
Severus regretfully shook his head. "I would if I could. I don't know much myself, only that Madam Pomfrey needs my assistance."
"I was there when he'd received the message, Potter. The patronus only said that Severus should come quickly and it was about Lupin," Draco said.
Harry nodded at Draco's words. With a frown, he turned his eyes briefly on Severus, then quickly looked away.
"Can I go with you?" Harry asked.
"I'm afraid not," Severus said.
Severus could see that all the happiness Harry was feeling from celebrating his birthday had gone, replaced with worry for Lupin. The disappointment in Harry not being able to accompany Severus was heard in his sigh.
"Hey, kid..." Severus gently grabbed Harry by the shoulders, trying to look him in the eye, but Harry wouldn't meet his gaze. "I'll come back as soon as I can, and I'll tell you every detail... I promise."
Severus frowned as he watched Harry only look down at his shoes. He could feel the tension in the boy's shoulders, knowing Harry wasn't comfortable with being touched, and with Severus standing so close to him. And Severus knew Harry was mentally sitting behind his brick wall, closing himself off, and Severus had a feeling that Harry must be surrounded by his memory of his godfather's death.
Severus could remember the memory he had heard in Harry's head last night. Harry's grief-filled screams, Lupin's voice telling Harry that Black was gone, holding him back from following after Black. The thought of losing Lupin, just like his godfather must be triggering.
"Look at me, Harry," Severus said gently, coaxing the teen to look up, trying to pull him out of that wall, away from those memories. "Come on… I'm waiting…" And when Harry finally did, Severus said, "Lupin's going to be okay. I'm not going to let anything happen to him. Can you trust me on this?"
At first, Harry didn't say anything. His green eyes were wide and full of grief, and he seemed to be having trouble answering Severus' question.
"Come on, Potter, just let Severus go so he can take care of your wolf," Draco said tiredly, and nudged the worried Gryffindor towards the direction of the dungeons.
"Just help him, okay… Promise?" Harry asked, over his shoulder as Draco pushed him forward.
"I promise," Severus called back, knowing full well that it was a mistake. Anything could happen, yet he'll try everything in his power to help Lupin, only for Harry.
Once Harry and Draco were out of sight, Severus left for the hospital wing. As soon as he entered through the double doors, howls and growls echoed in the room. Then Severus was met with the sight of Lupin growling under the bed. Albus was holding up a shield between himself, Madam Pomfrey and the werewolf.
"Albus?" Severus said urgently, making his way to them behind the shield. "What happened?"
"Poppy was doing her nightly routine, administering potions for Remus when he broke through the restraints and tried to attack her. It was lucky I was here at the time to draw up a shield."
"We have to do something! Remus is going to hurt himself. His body's still healing, and this stress isn't good for him!" Madam Pomfrey added.
"You're right, Poppy. And that's why I called you, Severus, we'll need your help," Albus said, his electric-blue eyes on Severus.
"What do you want me to do? I'm no mind-healer, not even a potion can bring Lupin back to his senses!" Severus snapped, cautiously watching the glowing amber eyes from under the bed.
"Not a mind healer…no…" Albus said thoughtfully. "Severus, you can enter his mind…"
"Albus, that is a violation!" Madame Pomfrey gasped.
"Yes, I know… But we have no choice. We both thought Remus would come back to us by now. As you were telling me, Poppy, his behavior has indeed gotten worse. It's time we bring him back."
Severus could already see the plan the headmaster had in mind.
"Why can't you do it, Albus? You're the one who taught me how to use Legilimency."
"Ah, yes…but I have too much information that could easily slip into Remus' mind. Severus, you're the second best at Legilimency who can take on this task. I want you to enter his memories. At first you'll only find those of the wolf, so beware and tread carefully. Wait until you see a fragment of Remus' spirit and hold on to him. We know Remus is still in there, but he isn't fighting against the wolf. You need to convince him with good memories to fight back, so he could allow his mind to return."
Remembering his promise to Harry that he'll do anything in his power to keep Lupin alive, Severus snapped out, "Fine… I'll do it!" Only for Harry!
"Thank you, Severus," the headmaster sighed in relief.
"One question, Albus," Severus said, his eyes still on the glowing amber eyes under the darkness of Lupin's bed, and the white sharp fangs. "How am I going to get close enough to enter Lupin's mind?"
"I'm going to lower my shield. I want you to cast your spell right before Remus tries to attack again. Most likely, you'll have less than a second, so be ready, Severus."
Severus pointed his wand towards the direction of the werewolf. "Ready," he said.
Albus nodded, his ice-blue eyes full of determination as he suddenly lowered his shield. Ready to attack, Severus waited for Lupin to come out, but he didn't.
Severus frowned, not daring to lower his wand…waiting.
A loud whining suddenly came from under the bed. And somehow, knowing that Lupin wasn't going to come out, Severus walked cautiously towards the side of the bed and kneeled down with his wand still carefully aimed at Lupin.
"Severus…" Madam Pomfrey whispered.
Ignoring her, Severus met the fearful amber eyes of the wolf, and whispered, "Legilimens!"
At first, the only thing that Severus could see was darkness as he probed the werewolf's mind… Only darkness… And then he could hear snippets of voices, whimpering, and feel endless pain… Then the world around him suddenly appeared, bathed in silvery moonlight, and all those things…the darkness and the pain and the voices…disappeared….
Feeling a bit disorientated, Severus realized he was in a forest with nothing but trees and undergrowth around him. He had no idea where he was, and suddenly a long howl broke the silent air.
Severus swung around, reminding himself that this was only a memory and nothing could hurt him here. Looking around for the source, Severus decided against all of his instincts to follow it, hoping to find any sign of Lupin before moving onto the next memory. Severus walked through the forest paths, wondering what forest this was, when he noticed the trees thinning out until he was able to see the outline of Hagrid's hut.
He was at the Forbidden Forest of Hogwarts.
A loud howling suddenly filled the forest again, followed by a deep growling. Severus turned around slowly, this time finding himself face to face with a large grey wolf. Its amber eyes were gleaming and its fangs bared into a snarl.
Severus stepped back, trying not to lose himself in his shaking fear. It's only a memory, he said to himself. Only a memory… But Severus was lost in a sudden flashback. His body paralyzed in heart-stopping fear.
Severus was running through a dark tunnel for his life, behind him were the howls and snarls of a monster fighting to be let free. And Potter running behind him with Black, telling him to keep running, do not slow down, you're almost there!
A loud bark tore Severus away from the memory of that night, snapping him out of his paralysis. He turned his head to see a large dog stepping out from behind the trees, barking, wagging its tail, and beckoning the wolf to join him. The dog couldn't see Severus, only the wolf.
Watching the dog coaxing the wolf to follow it, Severus realized it was Black…in Animagus form… This was a memory of the Marauders, as they roamed the castle grounds as Animagi with the werewolf.
The emotions caught Severus off guard. He could suddenly feel the exhilaration the wolf felt at running with a pack. The wildness it felt in its spirit and the wind in its fur. The longing of freedom finally released after moons of imprisonment, as the wolf howled at the moon. And Severus felt the savaged thirst for a hunt…for a taste of blood… Disgusted, Severus tore himself away from the wolf's emotions.
They could've killed somebody! Letting that beast run around loose! And Albus had let them get away with that?! I was almost killed because of their foolishness!
Resentment and anger clouded Severus for a while, until he'd almost forgot what he was doing. He didn't even know why he had agreed to help Lupin. After all, that blasted werewolf was part of the group of idiots that made Severus' life at Hogwarts a living hell!
I've promised Harry I would help Lupin… I've promised him… a small voice said, pulling Severus out of the bitterness that was quickly taking over his heart.
Severus shook his head, clearing his thoughts and trying to stay on task as the wolf gave him a curious glance before running after the dog. Severus could barely make out the outline of a stag through the shadows of the trees.
Lupin isn't here, Severus realized. This is a memory of the wolf's…with its pack….
Severus closed his eyes, concentrating on moving onto the next memory.
When he felt the shift, Severus opened his eyes and found himself in a dark room. The wolf was throwing itself against the wall, tearing at its own flesh and whimpering in pain.
This must be the Shrieking Shack….
Severus stayed in the corners of the walls, hiding in the shadows so the wolf wouldn't see him.
The scene was brutal and bloody. As Severus watched the wolf tear itself apart, the emotions of the animal overwhelmed him. Severus could feel its internal pain in which the wolf could barely understand. The pain of deep loneliness, the pain of being trapped and alone in the Shrieking Shack. Afraid that it would never feel the soft wind in its fur or to be in the light of the moon. To never feel the joy of running as fast as it could and to feel the exhilaration of a hunt, of being with a pack. The wolf wasn't meant to be caged and alone….
And the only thing to soothe the torment of fear, hurt and the never-ending restlessness of the wolf, was for it to gnaw at itself until sleep took over. And Severus could feel the burning physical pain, could almost taste the blood.
With his heart pounding, Severus wondered where Potter and the other idiots were. How could they leave their friend alone like this to tear himself apart? Is this why they've decided to become unregistered Animagi? To prevent this from happening? And Severus began to understand their intentions.
Not able to bear seeing the wolf mangle itself any longer, Severus decided to move onto the next memory. Lupin was certainly not here.
Severus closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down, trying to get the emotions of the wolf out of his head so he could find Lupin.
Where could he be? There has to be a significant memory, one that might've changed Lupin… Perhaps a memory of Lupin being in the clutches of Greyback? That would change anyone….
Severus opened his eyes. It was hot and dry, and dust was clouding around his feet. The full-moon was in the sky, bright, and casting its light on the pack of werewolves running through a rocky field. Capturing a fluffy and grey tail, Severus recognized it as Lupin's werewolf form. He sighed in frustration and left the memory, before he could feel the emotions linked to it.
This was harder than he'd thought. Everytime Severus tried to get closer to Lupin, he just found himself in memories of the wolf. Severus needed to find a memory that had a piece of Lupin's spirit.
Severus scowled out loud in annoyance. Lupin! Where the fuck are you!
The next memory, Severus found himself in a cellar. Three Death Eaters walked right through him, as if he were a ghost. One of them was holding up a black velvet bag.
"I'm going to do more than just kill you, son."
Severus turned his attention to the prisoner on the floor, to the person Greyback was referring to. Severus took a step forward. It was Lupin, beaten and chained to the wall.
And almost knocking him off his feet, taking his breath away, Severus was hit with a storm of emotions.
Fear of the promised torture… Bravery to not betray the Order of the Phoenix… Pride to not look weak against the enemies… A fighting spirit, never backing down against them… And the self-doubt that Lupin fought against himself with...of him being human, not a monster… And Lupin's hatred for Greyback… And to always be in control…don't let the monster show….
It was too much…too much to take….
And now, Severus could understand why Lupin had chosen to lose the battle with his wolf spirit. To be trapped inside of his own mind, in good memories, where Lupin couldn't feel these emotions anymore.
"Hold him down," Greyback snarled. The Death Eaters suddenly pinned Lupin to the ground. The werewolf tried to fight them off, but Severus could see he was no match for them.
Severus watched as Greyback ripped off Lupin's shirt, watched Lupin as he yelled out in rage, trying to fight off his capturer.
Severus' own feelings of triumph and relief fought its way through Lupin's dark emotions, he finally found what he was searching for. Then Severus saw the flash of amber take over those hazel-green eyes, before Lupin twisted his body and kicked at the Death Eaters. And the brief moment of triumph and relief faded away, leaving Severus to feel more frustrated than ever.
This wasn't just Lupin's memory, it was tainted by the wolf.
"Get off me!" Memory Lupin shouted. "I'm not telling you bastards anything!"
"One more chance, Remus. Why were you with the colony?"
Severus watched as Greyback kneeled down to be closer to his prisoner. He watched as Lupin bravely spat at Greyback's face. He watched Lupin fought against the Death Eaters, but failed as they yanked the chain, choking him. The whole time, Severus noticed the golden glint in Lupin's eyes.
Watching Lupin being pinned down by the two Death Eaters, Severus could suddenly feel the pain and fear of both Lupin and the wolf. They didn't want to remember this, something about this memory terrified them.
They tried to force Severus out, but he fought to stay there... Because feeling Lupin's fear mixed with the wolf... Maybe this memory could lead Severus to another memory where he might find more traces of Lupin.
Then Severus saw the gleam of the silver rod. And the glowing ember words that read:
Werewolf
Classified Dark Creature
The Death Eaters lowered the burning silver rod to Lupin's chest. And Severus was hit by a powerful wave of desperation, nausea and fear, this time coming all from Lupin. And that pain…the burning, sickening pain...and the smell…the screams…it chased the wolf spirit away….
And Severus found what he was looking for… A strong essence of Lupin's spirit, overpowering the wolf, and Severus had to hold on to him….
Concentrating hard, Severus allowed his magic to grasp onto the fragment of Lupin, and in his tight hold, Severus let himself be pulled away from the memory.
Inhumane screams of pain filled his ears as darkness took over for a moment, before a whirl of voices and flashes of color surrounded Severus. Until he found himself inside a large fence with a rocky dirt floor.
The sun was shining down as Severus surveyed the area around him. A group of kids were standing near the other side of the wooden fence. The Death Eaters and Greyback stood on the opposite side. Inside the fence were two people fighting. Kids were shouting and cheering. Greyback was silently observing the fight. Severus looked closer to see that it was Lupin and a boy.
The boy was biting down on Lupin's shoulder, blood was streaming down, pooling into a puddle in the dirt. Lupin shouted in fury and pain. "I said enough!" as he pushed the boy off. The kid flew several feet back, laying on the floor and not moving. Severus furrowed his eyebrows, trying to make sense in what he was seeing. It appeared to him that this was Greyback training werewolf cubs for the Dark Lord's army.
As the Death Eaters dragged the unconscious werewolf cub out of the fence, Severus walked up to Lupin, who stayed where he was; pale, dirty and bleeding.
Severus knelt down, connecting his own eyes to Lupin's hazel-green eyes. Trying to find the fragment of Lupin's soul that led Severus here, feeling the emotions coming off Lupin... The revulsion and guilt of what he'd done, and the loss of his humanity, and the fear and pain, the shock that was taking over….
"Remus," Severus said gently. And in Lupin's own darkness, his eyes found Severus. There was a faint moment of clarity, before suddenly, Lupin disappeared.
The surroundings began to change once more. Severus stood up in shock. He found Lupin. There was something about that memory that changed him.
Perhaps that's the first time he's hurt a child like that... Is that the reason why Lupin has given up?
It appeared as if Lupin either did not want to be found or he was trying to show Severus something, because Lupin had forced Severus out of that memory and brought him to a small wooden cabin.
Severus could hear someone calling for Lupin, followed by a small Remus Lupin running past him, looking not much older than ten. Severus followed Lupin into a study where Lyall Lupin stood looking out the window, a letter clutched in his hand.
"Dad?" Lupin said, his voice full of hesitation.
"I've just had a discussion with Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts."
Severus listened as Lyall Lupin explained the situation and how Lupin had a choice to go to school. That Albus Dumbledore was giving him a chance to learn.
Severus could feel the excitement, could see the gratitude in Lupin's hazel eyes. And he could also feel the fear of being away from his parents, of the possibility of people finding out what he was, and the fear of hurting someone. Severus could feel how much of an outsider Lupin felt, out of place in a society that couldn't accept people like him. Severus noticed the scars on the child, how tired he looked from his monthly changes, the bandages that were wrapped around his wrist.
"Now you must promise me to never let the wolf show. Promise me, Remus, or you're not going to Hogwarts. Keep to yourself. Do you understand?"
"Don't let the wolf show. Don't tell anyone my secret. Don't make friends…" Lupin glumly said.
"It's very important that you heed my words, boy! One mistake can lead to not only your expulsion, but your death! Do not get close to anyone. Do not let the wolf show. Keep your emotions in check! You are not one of them, Remus, so don't even try to make friends, just focus on your schoolwork!"
Severus frowned at the harshness of Lyall Lupin's words to his son, he could feel the emotions they caused in Lupin. Severus could feel how much Lupin loved his father, how far away he felt from him, and how all Lupin wanted was Lyall's love and acceptance. Severus could feel Lupin's childish hope, that if Lupin did everything Lyall asked, Lyall might one day see him as his son again and not a monster.
Severus could feel Lupin's deep childhood pain. And Severus felt how much Lyall's constant disappointment stabbed Lupin's heart, making it hard for him to breathe sometimes… It hurt…it really hurt…Severus could feel it….
And those emotions of Lupin's were so much like Severus' own feelings towards his own father, and he hated them. Severus hated that he was being reminded of that pain he'd buried long ago.
Severus suddenly had to leave the memory. He didn't want to feel the emotions tied to it, and to his relief, the people in the room began to swirl into color and sound.
And then Severus was in the cellar again. He found Lupin sitting against the wall, under a small window. Lupin's knees were pulled up to his chest with his head resting on his knees. His face covered by dirty tangled hair.
Severus rushed over to him.
A voice behind Severus said, "I know you're figuring out how to escape. Either that or Dumbledore is working very hard to find you. If you do manage to find a way to escape or someone does come for you, take me with you."
Severus turned around. In his rush to get to Lupin, he had failed to notice the person standing behind him at the door. Severus peered into the shadows, realizing that it was Kaylie.
Kaylie, with her hair pulled up in a ponytail and dressed in torn clothes that signified her hard life in the training camp. Her eyes were hard with determination to escape...yet, still held a great amount of weariness and concern for Lupin.
"I promise I will," Lupin replied before Kaylie left.
Severus quickly faced the werewolf once the door closed. He felt not only the pain and sickness Lupin was in, the struggle to stay awake, but he felt the conviction in the words that Lupin spoke. He promised not only to Kaylie, but to himself, that he would get that girl out of there.
Severus then felt the emotions Lupin was trying to show him. That he'd failed to save the young girl, and for that, he didn't deserve to live a human life. Lupin felt like he was a monster, his father was right.
"No!" Severus shouted. "Don't think that!"
Severus knelt down in front of the man who had given up, gently lifting Lupin's chin. Severus wanted to see Lupin's eyes, to see if he was really there, making Severus' search over.
And to Severus' relief, hazel-green eyes stared back at him. They were full of pain and guilt, suffering and hopelessness. There was no trace of gold in those depths….
"Lupin, come back with me," Severus said softly. Lupin shook his head, then buried his face into his knees again.
Suddenly, the surroundings around Severus merged into combined colors.
"Lupin, no! It was so hard to find you!"
Lyall Lupin was suddenly shouting: Don't let the wolf show! Don't let it control your emotions! You are not one of them! And the sound of a deep pain-filled howl filled Severus' ears. The stench of blood invaded his senses.
The moon was bright and full, and Severus found himself in the cellar again, but this time it was a different night. Severus could see the two werewolves Kaylie and Lupin changing, and he suddenly knew what memory this was. He refused to let Lupin show him.
"No!" Severus shouted, probing Lupin's mind once more, changing the scene with a burst of powerful Legilimency that Severus had been holding back.
This time, Severus was not in the cellar. This was a different memory, a different time. And it wasn't Lupin's. It was the wolf's memory. Severus could tell they were in the Forbidden Forest again, in a clearing on a hill. The Hogwarts castle was outlined in the distance against inky-blue sky.
Scowling to himself, Severus was about to summon up the last of his strength to find Lupin one more time before hopelessly giving up, when he suddenly spotted Lupin sitting a few feet away, half-hidden in the tall grass that barely reached past his chest.
Relieved, Severus glanced around at his surroundings once more. It was a meadow somewhere inside the Forbidden Forest. Severus was surprised the forest had something as beautiful as this. Wildflowers and grass covered the ground, the full-moon was shining brightly down on the Animagi and werewolf who were wrestling and prancing around in the distance. Severus looked closely at them. A stag, a dog, a rat and a wolf. The Marauders, Lupin's pack. Severus then quietly sat down next to Lupin, who gave no acknowledgement of his presence.
They continued to watch the Animagi and werewolf play together, before Severus quietly said, "You cannot stay here, Lupin. You can't forget to live and remain in the past."
"Says who?" Lupin said. "Why can't I just let the beast have my body? It's only flesh after all. It can have it, if it means that I can stay here…with them…"
"To what? Wallow in the past? To just sit here and watch, and forget to live yourself?"
"There's no need to sound so disgusted, Severus, after all...out of anyone I know… I'd thought you would understand most of all."
Severus didn't know what to say to that. He had just gone through a whirlwind of painful memories and emotions that belonged to Remus Lupin. Severus mentally felt battered, like he was a broken umbrella caught in the wind of a storm. And because of that, Severus could understand why Lupin was ready to give up and just stay trapped in his good memories, letting the wolf take over.
Severus glanced at Lupin and noticed his gaze on the black dog, his eyes soft and sad.
"You loved him?" Severus said in surprise.
Lupin nodded. "You didn't know? We were quite exclusive back in Hogwarts. Sirius Black dating a half-breed. His mother went into fits."
"No, I knew you two dated, but I didn't think it was serious. I thought he was just using you to anger his family. I didn't think Black was capable of love."
Lupin shook his head and smiled. "It would seem so…with all the girls he went through… But no…our relationship…however rocky it was sometimes, was indeed true."
Severus didn't say anything for a while, realizing that Harry wasn't the only one deeply affected by Black's death.
"Lupin, you can't stay here," he said again with a sense of urgency. "If you do, you'll die. The wolf would surely put you into danger."
"And would that be so bad?" Lupin said. "Is it bad to simply not want to live anymore, so I can join them?" he nodded his head towards the playful, carefree animals.
Severus frowned at the werewolf's words, reminding him of what Harry had said when he was rescued from Privet Drive.
"With your permission, can I remind you why you shouldn't just give up like this?" Severus asked.
Lupin turned his head, tears glistening behind his eyes. "What if I don't want to? I don't even know if I'm strong enough."
"You are strong, Lupin, think of all the obstacles you've gone through… And you're still you… Don't give up on yourself."
"Why are you doing this? You hate me… I almost killed you when we were kids."
"I've promised Harry that I would help you," Severus muttered.
Lupin looked at Severus curiously. "Harry?"
"Yes, do you remember Harry?" Severus asked. "He still needs you… He's waiting for you, Lupin."
Lupin sighed as he buried his face into his knees, staying in that position for a long time.
Severus didn't move, didn't say anything. He just waited. Waited as the moon began to set, as the stars began to fade, and waited as the Animagi and werewolf began to walk back to the Shrieking Shack.
Lupin finally raised his head. "Alright, Severus, I'll let you try," he whispered.
"Take my hand," Severus said as gently as he could.
Lupin slowly placed his hand into Severus' own. Their eyes met briefly before Severus began to tap into his Legilimency skills to focus on the positive memories.
Holding on tight to Lupin's hand, Severus started sorting and pulling memories out that may help, afraid to let go, not wanting to lose him. The scene before them began to change, and suddenly they could hear the laughter of young boys.
They found themselves in the courtyard of Hogwarts. A snowball fight between the Marauders was going on. They were about eleven, first years. Severus could see a young Lupin spying on the three boys from the window, he could feel Lupin's longing of wanting to join them…of possibly having friends.
"Why aren't you joining them?" Severus asked.
"We weren't friends yet. I wouldn't let them get close to me because of what my dad constantly lectured me on. I wasn't one of them," Lupin said, watching the young version of himself.
They watched the scene for a few more minutes, until Lupin squeezed Severus' hand, and he found himself being pulled to a different memory, surprised at the fact that this time Lupin was guiding him.
This time they were in the Hogwarts library. Lily was laughing at something Lupin was saying as they studied together. Severus could feel the closeness of an easy friendship Lupin felt towards her. She was Lupin's first friend. The first person Lupin had ever broken his father's rules for…and she was worth it…Lily Evans was worth it... And she was beautiful…Severus' heart stopped beating at the sight of his lost friend. Her red hair, her green eyes and her laugh. The sound of her voice... Severus felt how much he missed Lily, how he'd forgotten how she sounded. Then she was gone….
Lupin led Severus to a memory taking place in the Gryffindor dormitories. Eleven year olds Potter and Black were trying to help Pettigrew with studying for an exam, until Lupin took over. Lupin had managed to help Peter pass the exam, and because of that, the Marauders had forced Lupin into their gang. Lupin was one of them now. Severus felt Lupin's annoyance of not being able to shake off the Marauders, then finally giving in. Lupin let his shields go down for them. He became a part of them… Friendship, love, acceptance, a place to belong…was all Lupin had ever wanted….
Severus could feel how bittersweet this memory was... Lupin suddenly zoomed in on Peter, and the worst thing the rat had ever done…the betrayal that led the Potters to their deaths….
Another memory of the Marauders finding out about Lupin's lycanthropy. And how Lupin hid in the bathroom, afraid that his father was right, and he'll get expelled and thrown into Azkaban. And that his friends would never look at him the same… And Lupin's pain and fear of losing them was so great, it struck Severus like lightning.
A flash of Potter, Black and Pettigrew for the first time showing Lupin their Animagi forms. The love Lupin felt for his friends, the shock at how far they'll go for him… And how they were lost now…and Lupin was alone….
The memories suddenly became fast and quick. Severus realized his plan wasn't working. He was swept up in the whirlwind again with no control of where he was going.
And every time Severus caught a glimpse of Lily, pain…new…and…raw shot him in the heart. Severus then realized he was losing Lupin. The grip on his hand began to loosen through the whirlwind of memories.
Memories of the Marauders, the summers they'd spent together, the pranks they'd planned together, the times they'd stayed up late into the night, talking, laughing, and the moments they'd shared together...good and bad….
And Lily...memories of her flashed around them. Her laugh, her voice... The way she was always there for Lupin when his friends were being idiots….
And then a funeral... Lily and James Potter's headstones.
The loss and betrayal of Peter Pettigrew.
Black and Lupin in Grimmauld Place, shouting at each other... Black drinking... And Lupin hating him...hating the stranger Black had become... And the loss for the person Black used to be...before the Potter's deaths, before Azkaban...
And then they landed on their feet in the Room of Requirement, and Lupin fell to his knees.
On a sofa was a teenage Black and Lupin kissing passionately before they paused, and Black whispered, "I love you, Remus."
Lupin let out a choked sob. "Sirius..." as he watched his former boyfriend kiss his memory-self with so much love.
"Lupin…" Severus called out. This was a bad idea. The love Lupin had for Black was a never-ending passionate fire that Severus couldn't deal with. And it was mixed with a raw and powerful untamed grief and guilt….
Severus was losing him, he grabbed Lupin by the shoulders.
"Do not go, Lupin, do not give up!" But Severus could still feel Lupin pulling away. The memory swirling around until they were at the Department of Mysteries.
"Lupin, we have to get out of here!" Severus shouted through the shouts and noises of the battles taking place.
But it was too late, Black was already falling through the veil….
Severus could feel Lupin's frustration and pain as he watched his memory-self, torn to hold a struggling Harry back and going after his beloved.
Lupin, his eyes dark with pain, began to fade away. Severus couldn't grab his hand anymore. He was losing the werewolf! The grief was so strong, overpowering, threatening to pull Severus into darkness… And Severus could feel Lupin losing himself… After everything that happened…Lupin couldn't fight anymore….
"Lupin!" Severus shouted.
"Can you hear me, Remus?"
Severus looked around. It was Harry's voice. He was talking to Lupin. Albus must've realized Severus was failing.
Come on, Harry, keep talking! Severus thought.
"I need you, Remus. If you go… I don't know what I'll do. So just please come back."
Lupin was looking around as well, his body looking more solid than moments before.
Severus grabbed Lupin, relieved that he was able to this time. "Lupin, listen!" he shouted, shaking the werewolf by the shoulders. "Listen to Harry!"
Lupin looked at Severus in anguish before they were lost in a swirl of memories once more.
Now they were in Godric's Hollow.
A past Lupin was holding a newborn Harry.
"Sirius and I promised to be there for him, if anything should happen," Lupin whispered.
"You must go back," Severus said. "You're the only one left for Harry. And I know it hurts, Lupin, like a strike of lightning through the heart…but remember that Harry is still here…and caught in the middle of the war… Harry needs you."
"Remus, please keep fighting. Please don't give up. You'll be okay. You won't be alone, you have me. Don't forget me," Harry's voice echoed.
Lupin closed his eyes.
The coos of a baby Harry surrounded them. And the laughter of a young Lupin as he promised the world to that small baby. A young Sirius Black was hugging Lupin around the waist with his forehead pressed against Lupin's own. And Severus felt Lupin's love for them.
"Don't disappoint them, Lupin," Severus muttered, indicating the memory Black and baby Harry.
Severus could feel how Lupin loved Harry like his own son, just how Black must've felt… Enough to give his life for his godson… Just like what Severus was starting to feel. It was warm and strong… Exactly what Lupin needed to remind himself why he should keep fighting, keep holding on...for Harry…if not for himself.
And Severus felt the moment when Lupin decided to come back… Lupin wasn't giving up… And all because of Harry.
"Take my hand, it's time to come back with me," Severus said softly, exhaustion and relief suddenly hitting him hard.
Lupin tore his eyes away from the baby, looking at Severus with hazel-green eyes. Like a forest… Severus realized.
"Will I be okay?" Lupin frowned.
"I can't promise you that," Severus said, offering his hand to the werewolf. "But you have to be strong."
Lupin nodded. "Then I'm ready to go back, Severus. Staying here, watching the past over and over will destroy me. I see that now… I have to try and live again, don't I? For my cub."
Severus nodded his agreement, still holding out his hand…waiting….
And finally, after what seemed like a lifetime… Lupin took Severus' hand with a determined expression on his face. Severus closed his own hand tightly around him, holding on, wasting no time in leaving the chaotic memories of Remus Lupin behind them.
Severus opened his eyes, trying not to groan at the pounding headache. He could feel how weak his magical core was from the strain of using Legilimency for so long. Severus' entire body felt as if he had just fallen off a broom, but Lupin was back, and that was all that mattered.
"Professor?" a voice said.
Severus turned his blurry gaze to a messy-haired boy with bright-green eyes behind round glasses.
Her eyes… Severus' heart broke. Lily….
"I'm so proud of you, kid," Severus muttered, closing his heavy eyelids and sinking into a heavy darkness.