Chapter Twenty-One – Anchor
I must be dreaming… Where am I? were the first thoughts passing through Remus' mind as he awoke. Feeling soft sheets against his skin, warm and comfortable for the first time in months, he opened his eyes. Remus' vision was blurry at first, then once it began to clear, he began to recognize the room he was in. The rows of white beds, the white walls and the long windows with their flowing white curtains, and the smell of antiseptics and medicinal potions.
He was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts, a place Remus thought he would never wake up in again.
I'm not in that cellar anymore… How did I end up here?
Remus closed his eyes, trying to recall his most recent memories, but he could only remember the people.
Remus could only remember Greyback and his red eyes, his stench, his yellow fangs, and his face so close to Remus' own. The Death Eaters hiding in their cloaks and masks, holding silver chains. Young teens with golden and red eyes, baring their sharp teeth. Chase, the healer, speaking to Remus with his golden-framed glasses. And Remus could remember Kaylie, her auburn hair and her blue eyes full of determination. Then Kaylie screaming, and the scent of blood, and the full-moon casting its light on her. The dark and confusing flashes caused Remus to feel sick, forcing him to stop trying to remember.
Remus sighed in frustration. He didn't know what'd happened to cause him to end up safely at Hogwarts. Who'd rescued him from that cellar... Remus was only able to remember those bits and pieces, there were huge gaps in his memory. And trying again to focus on recovering those gaps, only one more thing came to mind, and it was odd enough that Remus almost couldn't believe it... The Potions Master wasn't at the training camp... He hadn't seen Snape since before Sirius died. But somehow, Remus could remember Severus Snape's voice. He couldn't even understand what Snape was saying, just his low mutter and persistent black eyes full of concern.
Was Snape the one who'd rescued me?
Remus turned over onto his side, noticing for the first time the floating magical monitors around him, the tubes connected to him. He pulled them off, not wanting to be connected to anything. Suddenly, the monitor went haywire, beeping loud and echoing off the walls of the hospital wing. The doors of Madam Pomfrey's office slammed open, revealing the medi-witch rushing over to him. Her look of panic turned into relief at the sight of Remus awake.
With a flick of her wand, the monitors were silenced. "Remus, you're awake!" Madam Pomfrey gasped as she reached his side, immediately checking Remus' eyes with the light of her wand. "I'm going to do a few diagnostic spells on you, if that's okay?"
Remus nodded, watching her as she waved her wand at him, reading whatever she was seeing. Remus waited quietly for her to finish, wondering how many days it had been since he was rescued from Greyback's clutches, how many days he'd laid unconscious in the hospital wing.
"Everything seems to be in order, Remus. You still have to rest and take your regime of potions I've set up for you, just until you're in full health again."
"How did I end up here?" Remus asked, his voice low, cracking from not being used in so long.
Madam Pomfrey was setting up some potions on his bedside table, as she answered, "I don't know the full story. All I can tell you is who brought you here." She handed him the first potion. "Now drink this, dear."
Remus obeyed Madam Pomfrey without question. He had spent a lot of time in the hospital wing when he was a student here at Hogwarts. He knew better than to complain or argue with Poppy Pomfrey.
"Who brought me here?" Remus asked, drinking the potion in one go, trying not to make a face at the bitterness of it.
"Severus brought you," Madam Pomfrey answered, taking back the empty flask and handing him another one.
"Snape?" Remus asked, shock making his heartbeat speed up. The memory of Snape's voice was at the forefront of his mind now. So it really did happen, Snape was there.
Snape was the one who'd found me… He saw me like that? Broken and wounded on that floor….
"How long have I been here in the hospital wing?" Remus asked, trying not to show his embarrassment at the thought of Snape finding him in that stinking cellar, the state Remus was in….
Madam Pomfrey handed him a third potion to drink. "Almost three weeks," she said. "You were unconscious for most of the time. Then you woke up, but you weren't yourself. The wolf was in control, you weren't fighting against it. Then, Albus had Severus use Legilimency to pull you out. That happened three days ago. Severus depleted his magical core to bring you back. He'd just got released from here early this morning. You must thank him, Remus, he's saved your life multiple times now."
Remus stared at her in shock, not quite believing what she was saying. Remus had let the wolf take over, he lost control… How could he be so weak to allow that? His father would be rolling in his grave if he knew, after all those years spent training Remus to always keep in check with his emotions, to never let the wolf show, never let it take over. Hold on to his human side… And Remus failed, he'd failed his father's wishes.
And Snape had to use Legilimency on Remus to bring him back? What did that mean? Did he see inside the wolf's mind? Did he see Remus' memories?
Did he see the monstrous parts of me? He's saved my life…but he hates me…and even more, after I had almost killed him in our sixth year… Madam Pomfrey is right, I must thank him….
Remus ran his hands through his long hair, trying to breathe, trying to calm down at what he'd just learned. The wolf inside was growling, restless, wanting to break free. It was harder to fight it now. The wolf had gained a sense of independence, of dominance, and it was angry that Remus was in charge again. Remus closed his eyes, hiding his face in his hands, not wanting Madam Pomfrey to see his golden eyes, the eyes of the beast inside him.
"Remus, are you okay? Are you feeling dizzy?"
Madam Pomfrey placed a hand on his shoulder. Remus flinched from the touch. He suddenly didn't want to be around her or anyone at the moment. He had to get out of this castle, he needed air.
"I'm…I'm okay… It's just a lot to take in… I think… I think I need some air, is it alright if I walk outside?"
"Finish these first," Madam Pomfrey ordered, giving him the last few potions.
Remus drank them all, hoping that she would allow him to go outside. He needed to feel the breeze on his skin, the warmth of the sun, to see the blue sky, and take in the scents around him. Maybe that would calm down the wolf, to be on the grounds where its pack once roamed.
"Let me do another quick check up on you, dear," the matron said as she scanned her wand over his bandaged wounds. It was quiet for a while as she concentrated with a frown on her face, muttering the diagnostics to herself.
"Are you sure you don't feel dizzy, Remus?" Madam Pomfrey asked.
"No," Remus answered.
"Any headaches? Sores? Pain?"
"It's all manageable," Remus muttered.
"Well, I think it would do you some good to get some fresh air," Madam Pomfrey said. "But I don't want you going off on your own. You just woke up, your body is still weak from the ordeal it has been through."
"I'll be okay, I promise," Remus pleaded, his voice still coming out hoarse. He was sure his eyes were still golden, and Remus blushed as Madam Pomfrey stared at him, considering his request.
But before Madam Pomfrey could answer him, a voice rang throughout the hospital wing. "Remus, I'm glad to see you're awake."
Remus turned towards the doorway to see Albus Dumbledore smiling at him. At his side was Severus Snape with his dark robes billowing around his feet and his usual scowl on his face. His eyes were hard and cold as they landed on Remus, and it was hard to believe that Remus had a memory of those same dark eyes persistently gazing down at him with concern. It was hard to believe that Severus Snape had saved Remus' life, even sacrificed the strength of his own magical core.
"Hello, headmaster," Remus greeted with his voice cracking.
"I'm glad to see you're finally doing well."
"Thank you…" Remus said quietly, trying not to look at Snape with his golden eyes.
What did he see in my head? In the wolf's head? He must not even see me as human anymore….
"I'll leave you two, alone," Madam Pomfrey said, vanishing the rest of the empty potion bottles. "Severus, come with me. I have some questions on some of the potions you've left me."
Severus nodded, his gaze never once landing on Remus as they disappeared inside the matron's office.
A heavy silence suddenly filled the room. Remus watched the headmaster conjure up a comfortable, plushy armchair besides Remus' bed. He didn't want to talk to Dumbledore, Remus didn't want to tell him how badly his mission failed.
"Remus…"
"Albus… I don't… I can't fully remember what happened, but I know my mission failed," Remus stuttered out in guilt before Dumbledore could begin. "The werewolves joined Voldemort's side as soon as Greyback and the Death Eaters pointed their wands at them. As for my time with Greyback, I can't talk about it yet, forgive me."
"No, Remus, it's not your fault the mission failed, there's no need to apologize. I'm the one who must apologize to you," the headmaster said once he was sitting down.
"Apologize?" Remus asked, caught off guard for a moment. He was expecting Dumbledore to pepper him with questions about his failed mission, not an apology.
"Yes, I was the one who'd sent you out on that mission, knowing full well the danger you were in. I knew the vendetta Greyback had against your father and how dangerous he was for you."
"You knew this was going to happen," Remus said quietly, his voice barely containing a hint of anger. "You'd sent me out there, knowing there was a big chance I would get captured, tortured, possibly murdered by Greyback?"
Remus wasn't sure how he felt about this. He couldn't remember fully what'd happened to him in that cellar, but he could remember the pain and the fear, the sickness, the weakness, the hunger and the thirst, and the need to fight, to never give up and reveal the information that Greyback wanted. Didn't Dumbledore know how hard Remus fought for their side? Did it even matter to Dumbledore that Remus almost died for him? Of course Dumbledore would send the werewolf out on a suicide mission, as long as it was for the greater good, for the cause of the war… After all, Remus was just a werewolf, not fully human, the perfect sacrifice.
"Remus, it's okay to be angry at me. I admit that what I did was wrong. I took advantage of you," Albus insisted, frowning in all seriousness, studying him with those piercing blue eyes. They made Remus feel like he was thirteen again.
Listening to Albus, Remus felt his anger rise up inside him, causing the wolf to stir, feeling more restless than ever. And in feeling the wolf fight for dominance inside him, Remus realized he wasn't sent out on that mission as a sacrifice. He was sent out on that mission because he was the only one who could do it, the only one monstrous enough to blend in among the wild werewolves.
And maybe...this wasn't entirely all Dumbledore's fault...after all...he didn't make Remus go. Dumbledore simply just asked Remus, he'd even warned him of the danger, and Remus still chose to go. And during that time, Remus recalled the feeling he had, of the possibility of running into Greyback in which Remus ignored. The fault wasn't entirely Dumbledore's that Remus landed in that cellar so close to death, it was Remus' own fault as well.
"No, forget it, Albus, I understand why you'd sent me on that mission. I was the only one who could do it. It wasn't even entirely your fault. It was my choice, and it was stupid of me to believe that I would make it back safe. You'd even warned me of the danger. I've always known about Greyback, I knew what I was putting myself in, and I still chose to go," Remus answered. "And I had to do something after Sirius... After he'd died... The mission took my mind off him."
"And that is another thing I'm apologizing for. I knew you were in a vulnerable state. I shouldn't have asked you to go on that mission so soon after Sirius died. You were grieving. Of course you'll put yourself in danger."
Remus cringed at those words, remembering the state he was in during the days that followed after Sirius' death. Drinking alone in the dark rooms of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, the grief and pain in his heart so strong Remus wanted to just die. There wasn't a day that he wasn't drunk out of his mind. It was only by luck that Remus was sober that morning, nursing a bad hangover in the kitchen with a weak cup of tea, when Dumbledore had arrived to talk to him about the mission.
"It's all in the past now, let's just forget it," Remus said, wanting to change the subject.
Remus didn't want to remember that dark time in his life. He didn't want to remember the cause of it either….
Sirius….
Remus didn't want to remember Sirius falling, dying and disappearing. No more was Remus going to see those blue eyes or hear his laugh or just talk to him. And that old pain and grief came back to him, strong and fresh….
"Remus? Where did you go?"
Dumbledore placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, causing Remus to flinch the same way he'd done with Madam Pomfrey earlier. Remus felt too monstrous for human touch, he also had felt too much pain under the hands of the Death Eaters in that camp. And as a consequence, Remus couldn't stand being touched by anyone right now. Remus wanted this talk to be over. He wanted to go outside, to calm down the restless spirit of the wolf inside him.
Remus shook his head, pushing away his morbid thoughts.
"I'm sorry, headmaster. I…"
"Just got lost in your thoughts? Don't worry, understandable, dear boy. I know you've been through a lot these past few months. I'm here to make it up to you, Remus, I'm here to offer you a position."
"What kind of position?" Remus asked.
"I want you to teach Defense against the Dark Arts again."
"But Albus, everyone knows I'm a werewolf!" Remus exclaimed in shock at the sudden job offer. "No parent in their right mind would want a werewolf to teach their children!"
"Leave the parents and the school board to me. All I want for you to worry about right now is to focus on your recovery and preparations for the next school year." Dumbledore pierced him with his electric-blue gaze and gave him a small smile. "Rest now, and by September you'll be strong again."
"Albus, I don't want to be much trouble. Those parents are going to turn really nasty towards you. I'm not worth the trouble."
"Of course you're worth the trouble, Remus, why do you think I gave you a chance to attend this school all those years ago?"
Remus shrugged, pulling his eyes away from the old wizard.
"When I first met you, I was skeptical at first, I'll admit, to give your parents your first Hogwarts letter. But when I saw how much potential you carried, how smart, how thoughtful, and patient you were as we played chess together in your parent's living room, I knew I had to give you a chance. It would've destroyed you if you didn't have the chance to go to Hogwarts. It's one of the best decisions I'll never regret making all those years ago. You're one of the most talented, formidable wizards I know. You're also an excellent teacher, Remus, and I'll not let the mere fact of you changing into a wolf once every month, hinder you from what you love to do. The students need you, and I would want you to be here for them, especially for this year."
"What do you mean I have to be here for them? What's happening this year?" Remus asked, eyeing the headmaster suspiciously.
"I need your type of curriculum to prepare them for the war, to get them through their exams, Remus. They need you, will you take the position?"
Thinking about what was said, Remus nodded in defeat. The headmaster was right, the war was growing darker. The students of Hogwarts had to learn to defend themselves, especially the ones that were coming of age and going into the war. Besides, teaching was what Remus loved to do. Dumbledore was giving Remus a chance to do it again, it would be stupid to not take it.
"Excellent, now I will leave you to rest. The Defense office is all yours once Madam Pomfrey releases you," he placed the classroom and office keys on the nightstand... Oh!" The headmaster suddenly exclaimed, causing Remus to flinch but Dumbledore didn't seem to notice. He was too busy searching in the pockets of his robes. Remus took a few deep breaths to calm himself as he curiously watched the headmaster. After several moments, he finally pulled out a wand and handed it to Remus who gasped out with shock.
"How did you? I thought it was lost..."
In the headmaster's hand was a very familiar ten and one/fourths wand made out of cypress wood and unicorn hair in its core. Remus' hands shook, afraid to take it, even though his fingers itched to close tightly around it. To feel the familiar grip of his wand, his magic coursing through him, ready to be practiced again...
"Go on, take it, Remus," the headmaster gently coaxed with a smile.
Remus slowly took it from him. He gripped his wand tight for the first time in weeks, his eyes wide... It's been so long...so long since he has used magic... Green sparks suddenly shot out of his wand tip. Dumbledore chuckled. And relieved, Remus gave him a small smile. He was complete again.
"Welcome back to Hogwarts, Professor Lupin," Dumbledore smiled, and Remus guessed the headmaster had noticed his flinches earlier because Dumbledore didn't lay another hand on him.
"And, Remus, when you're ready to talk about your captive time with Greyback, my portrait door is always open."
Remus purposely ignored the offer of comfort, avoiding Dumbledore's gaze by admiring his wand. "Should I even ask how you were able to find my wand?" he asked, but he never had the chance to find out...
The door to Madam Pomfrey's office slammed open and Snape walked out very fast, seething in anger. Madam Pomfrey walked out behind the Potions Master, holding a wooden cane in her hand. Remus was wondering what had happened to make Snape so angry, when to his surprise, Snape went straight towards him.
"Get up, Lupin! I'm walking you around the grounds!" Snape snapped at him. "On orders of our school nurse!" He then turned and shot an annoyed glare at Madam Pomfrey, who didn't seem to be bothered by his harsh demeanor.
"Severus! Don't be so cruel, Remus just woke up," Madam Pomfrey scolded, as she gently took the bed covers off of Remus, giving him her hand so that he could take it. "Come on, Remus, I'm going to allow you to take a walk outside. Albus and I have something to do at this moment... Severus has volunteered to accompany you."
Glancing quickly at Snape, whose murderous glare was still on Madam Pomfrey, Remus protested with his voice cracking, "Poppy, I'm fine on my own. Snape clearly doesn't want to do this."
"No, Remus, I don't want you alone, what if you get dizzy and fall? No, it would give me peace of mind to know you're safe with Severus," Madam Pomfrey insisted. "Come on, up you get, slowly, I don't want you getting a head rush. It's been a while since you've stood up."
Am I really safe with Snape? Remus thought to himself.
Snape was now glaring at him from where he stood, just a few feet away from the foot of Remus' bed. And again it was hard for Remus to believe in his own memories that Snape had looked at him with such concern, muttering gently to him.
Did that really happen? Maybe my mind was just going mad, and I've made it up. There's no way he would ever look at me like that….
Holding on to Madam Promfrey's arm, Remus stood up on shaking legs, his body shivering from the sudden cold. Noticing this, Dumbledore flicked his wand at him, and the white standard bathrobes of the hospital wing suddenly appeared on Remus' body, over his striped pajamas, giving him warmth, along with hospital slippers on his feet. Remus' face blushed at the fact that Snape was seeing him dressed and helped out of bed like an invalid.
Madam Pomfrey handed Remus the cane she had carried out of her office. "Here, take this, and now let me see you walk towards Severus. I want to see how you do first before I give you my full blessing," she ordered.
Remus let go of Madam Pomfrey, shifting his weight onto the wooden cane. He looked straight at Snape, who was still glaring coldly at him. Remus almost voiced his concerns out loud of the possibility of Snape hexing Remus if he took one step towards him. Remus would rather walk the other way, away from those hateful dark eyes. Remus was so close to changing his mind, hating that he was such a bother to Snape. And Remus wanted to be outside, alone in the fresh air, not with someone who hated him. But then, a howl deep inside Remus reminded him why he wanted to be outside so badly. He needed to calm down the wolf spirit inside him. Its restlessness was driving Remus mad, and he was sure he still bore the golden color of the wolf in his eyes.
Remus took a deep breath, then shakily made his way step by step towards Snape. When Remus finally reached him without falling, he turned around towards Madam Pomfrey, purposely keeping his eyes away from Snape
"Okay, Remus. Just to the courtyard, and I want you to sit on one of the benches. Don't stand for too long, then it's straight back here. I don't want you overexerting yourself."
.
.
The walk to the courtyard was slow and silent. Snape walked behind Remus, letting him set the slow pace. Once they were there, Remus made his way to the center of the courtyard, looking up at the bright blue sky, not a cloud in sight. The warmth of the sun felt nice on his face. The warm breeze ruffled Remus' hair, and the fresh scents of the earth, the forest and the lake nearby, surrounded him. It had been a long time since Remus stood outside, just enjoying the fresh air. It was something he'd longed for when he was stuck in that stinking, stuffy and hot cellar, that grew too cold during the early hours of the morning before the sun rose.
The wolf inside Remus began to calm down as he took deep breaths, focusing on the scents, calming down his emotions. Remus kept his mind on the memory of the Marauders running as a pack. The wolf let out a howl, knowing Remus was back on the grounds of Hogwarts…home… And then it finally settled down, giving up its fight for dominance. Remus hoped his eyes weren't as golden anymore. He didn't want Snape to see anymore of the evidence of his monstrous spirit inside of him.
"Lupin, you have to sit down!" Snape snapped out, bringing Remus back to reality.
Remus turned around, walking slowly with his weight on the wooden cane towards the nearest bench in the shade. Unfortunately, it was the one Snape was sitting on.
Remus' body was starting to feel tired from the walk to the courtyard. So he had no choice but to sit next to Snape, never looking at him, not saying a word. Then suddenly without warning, a memory resurfaced in Remus' mind.
Kaylie chained to the wall… Remus pleading to Greyback to spare her life… The cellar door slamming shut….
"It's not your fault, Remus, there's nothing you can do...it's hopeless…"
The last hour they spent in silence together trapped in that cellar, until the full-moon rose, casting its bright light over Remus and Kaylie… The screams, the howling and the scent of blood, the putrid smell of the stuffy cellar…
It all washed over Remus, leaving him mentally shaken, until the memory suddenly faded away.
The wolf killed her… I killed her….
Remus covered his face with his hands, then ran his hands through his hair several times before placing them back down onto his lap. Looking straight ahead, trying to slow down his heavy breathing, trying not to show Snape that he was losing his mind with horror and guilt. There was no way Kaylie survived that night. There was no way….
And Remus felt like he didn't deserve to be sitting here on this bench at Hogwarts, so close to the forest and lake that were just beyond the courtyard walls, taking in the scents of the water and earth. Feeling the warmth of the sun on his skin and seeing the bright, blue sky again. Remus didn't deserve this second chance at life, when a teenage girl had lost her own life all because of him.
And I've promised her… I've promised her and I failed… Now she's gone… I'm so sorry I didn't try hard enough… I'm so sorry, Kaylie, you've deserved so much more than what'd happened to you.
That terrible full-moon night was the last thing Remus remembered, he didn't know what happened after… Maybe she did make it and Remus just didn't know. Maybe there was the slightest chance of hope… And glancing quickly at Snape, Remus caught his eye and then looked away, blushing.
Was he watching me the whole time? He would know about Kaylie, after all he's the one who'd rescued me.
Remus cleared his throat, his voice still coming out hoarse as he softly said, "Snape… Tell me that you found a young girl with auburn hair when you'd rescued me. Please tell me that she's alive."
Remus kept his gaze straight ahead. He didn't want to see the answer in Snape's face. Remus didn't want to see any coldness or hatred directed towards him before he revealed his answer. Remus was already feeling wretched enough.
"She didn't make it," was all Snape said.
And all of Remus' hope was lost from those few words, causing tears to burn in the back of his eyes. Remus refused to let them go.
Not in front of this man, not in front of him….
"Have you had enough air? Shall we be heading back?" Snape asked.
"No, not yet."
Snape scowled at his answer.
"You can leave if you don't want to be here. I don't need a babysitter!" Remus snapped. It wasn't like him to lash out like that, but the memories of Remus' last night with Kaylie, and his guilt, the confirmation of her death, it was all too much, spilling over….
I'm a fucking monster! Snape is right to hate me… I don't blame him for not wanting to be around me.
They didn't say anything more for a few moments, the tension between them high and awkward. And in that silence, more memories came to the surface of Remus' mind.
Laying on hot rocky ground, being attacked by young teen werewolves. Remus, determined not to fight back.
The hot sun beating down on Remus, and the scent of blood mixed with dirt.
The jeers of the werewolf children, and Greyback always watching.
The Death Eaters waiting with the silver chains, gleaming in the sunlight… The smell of burnt skin, and a fiery pain….
Remus felt like he was losing his mind from the sudden assault of memories coming back to him, and so he tried to push them away. Remus didn't want to remember them just now, not with Snape besides him.
Maybe starting a conversation would help distract Remus, and so he decided to start off by apologizing for his rudeness, even though Snape did ask for it by being unpleasant.
"Look, Snape, I'm sorry, that was rude of me to snap at you like that. Can we just talk for a while? I know you hate me and probably have better things to do, but I just need to be distracted..." Remus stopped abruptly.
Remus could feel Snape turning to look at him quizzically with those dark eyes. Remus, still keeping his gaze straight ahead, felt himself flush under that cold stare.
He probably thinks I'm mad.
"You need to be distracted from the memories?" Snape asked in his deep voice, for once the coldness was gone.
And Remus didn't expect that answer from him, and so he could only nod. It was so very strange to be sitting here on this bench next to Snape, knowing he was the one who'd rescued Remus from Greyback's cellar.
Throughout their teenage years Snape was always the target of his friends' pranks. But things were different now. Remus could see that Snape wasn't that skinny, dark teenager who was involved in the dark arts. Sitting besides Remus, Snape didn't seem fully consumed by hate like he usually was whenever he was around any of the Marauders, he just seemed annoyed by Remus' presence. And Remus was no longer that mischievous bookworm, the master mind of all the Marauders' pranks. Remus hadn't been that boy in so long. They were both different, changed from the first war, changed from the present war, from the losses they'd suffered and the pain they carried inside. Their school rivalry just seemed silly now to Remus, and so maybe it was time to make amends, end the dislike between them, and start anew. And Remus hoped for the possibility of Snape feeling the same way.
"Yes, the memories…speaking of which… Poppy told me that I was trapped in my wolf-state-of-mind. That you used Legilimency to bring me out," Remus said hesitantly. It didn't really sound like a question, but it was. Remus wanted to know if Snape saw anything.
"You want to know what memories I saw?"
"Yes, I do…" Remus muttered.
"I didn't see anything, just felt the thoughts from your wolf. Then I found you in the first memory I'd entered. It was just of you with your friends. And I was able to pull you out."
"There has to be more than that. You were just released from the hospital, your magical core was depleted."
"That's all that happened," Snape only said.
"But your magical core?" Remus asked.
"It's fine! I got you out, nothing else happened. I didn't see anything!" And Snape didn't say anything after that.
The awkward silence was between them again. Pulling information out of Snape was impossible, like taming one of Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts. Remus gave up, knowing that was the most information he was going to get from Snape.
Maybe he's telling the truth, nothing happened….
"I want to thank you, Severus." Remus tried again. He made sure to use Snape's first name to make his gratitude sound more sincere and meaningful. "Thank you for getting me out of there and..."
"There's no need for that, Lupin. I just did what I had to do, so don't go wasting your breath on meaningless words," Snape interrupted him with a scowl.
"They aren't meaningless!" Remus said. "You saved my life countless times now. I'm deeply in your debt. Especially the way my friends and I treated you when we were teenagers, you easily could've turned away from me. I would've understood, but you chose to save me. I'm willing to waste my breath, if only to thank you and apologize for everything my friends and I did to you in the past."
"You really think so low of me that I would turn my back on someone in danger?" Snape asked, his voice cold and full of hate once more.
"No, that's not what I meant!" Remus flashed a quick glance at Snape, who kept his eyes straight ahead.
This conversation was going all wrong, it was turning into a bloody argument. Who was Remus kidding? Thinking he could perhaps have a civil conversation with Snape, thinking that maybe they didn't have to be school enemies anymore. Too much had happened in their past for Snape to ever forgive and forget.
"I see you're still the same little pet of Black's and Potter's! The little goody-two shoes that turned a blind eye on whatever shit they were giving me! You may have turned your back on someone getting hurt, but that isn't me!" Severus ranted at Remus, never once looking at him. "Did you forget how they'd almost killed me? And you've let it happen! You were still friends with them after that!"
"I wasn't in on that prank! I didn't know what Sirius was planning to do that night, neither did James! But you know what, I'm not going to justify my actions in the past, because you're right. I did let them bully you. I was the only one who could've controlled them, who could've stopped them, and I didn't. I was too afraid to stand up to them. I'm sorry, Severus, I'm sorry they'd hurt you. And you don't have to forgive me for it."
"Me, forgive you? Being afraid isn't an excuse to letting them torment me! You're a coward, Remus Lupin. You knew what they were doing was wrong and yet you'd turned a blind eye! You're no better than Harry's aunt!" Severus shouted.
"What do you mean I'm no better than Harry's aunt?" Remus tried to shout back, but his voice ended up cracking. "I am nothing like Lily's sister. Lily was always in tears because of that woman!"
"Petunia Evans caused her sister pain, and she'd ignored her nephew when he was getting hurt, just like how you'd ignored me when I was being tormented!" Severus shouted.
Remus looked at him, taken aback by those words. He shook his head, feeling remorseful for his cowardly actions as a teenager. Also, trying to understand what Snape was saying about Harry and Petunia Evans.
"Severus, what are you saying about Harry?"
"When you're done getting some air, how about you go and visit the boy yourself!" Snape shouted, instantly standing up as if it burned him to be so near Remus.
"Where are you going?" Remus asked, taken aback.
He suddenly didn't want Snape to leave. At first Remus thought he wanted to be left alone, to control the wolf, to try and slowly remember what had happened to him. But his repressed memories were coming back fast, now forcing their way to the forefront of his mind, forcing Remus to relive what had happened…and it was too much. Remus wasn't ready to remember it all.
And the words of the Death Eaters shouting monster at him, dark creature… Greyback calling Remus his son… And the terrified screams of Kaylie, followed by many wolves howling all at once was all Remus could hear in his head for a few moments. He couldn't handle the noise. Remus wanted to be distracted from them. He didn't want to remember. He felt like he was falling, and he needed an anchor to hold him down. And without thinking, Remus grabbed onto Snape's wrist.
Snape looked down at Remus. Their eyes met for the first time. His cold black eyes locked onto Remus' own, as if he were trying to read his mind. Remus wondered if he was, if Snape could see the chaotic emotions, voices and memories swirling around in his head. Then for a barely a second, Remus saw Snape's eyes soften, then grew hard again, his face becoming cold and emotionless as he ripped his arm away from Remus' grasp.
"Come on, Lupin, let's get you back inside! As much as I want to just leave you here, I can't! I don't want to bear Poppy's wrath!"
Remus sighed, slowly getting up and following behind Snape, who was walking fast ahead of him, never stopping, never looking back.
That went well… Remus thought to himself. So much for starting over with Snape….
As Remus climbed back into his bed, exhausted from his small walk to the courtyard, with the wolf inside him for once content, Remus couldn't help but think of what Snape had said about Harry. Wondering if his cub was still at the Dursleys' house and if he was okay, were Remus' last thoughts before he fell asleep into darkness and nightmares of too many Pain Potions, burning silver, the jeers of young werewolves and of red eyes watching…always watching, leaving Remus to toss and turn in his bed.
Severus was fuming.
The nerve of that bloody wolf! He'd let those idiots torture me! He'd just sat there with his nose in a book while I was being bullied! And he dares to act so noble and kind, as if apologizing to me was the noblest, greatest act ever! Forcing me to sit with him and talk as if we could just forget it all and start over! As if he and his fucking idiot friends didn't make my life a living hell! The nerve of that man! And he'd thought I would just ignore a person in pain? Like him? I'm not a fucking coward! I can't believe I've saved his fucking life! Bloody werewolf! Severus ranted in his head as he stalked through the corridors, casting murderous glares in every direction.
Severus didn't dare think about how he'd almost reached out to Lupin, how Lupin suddenly grabbed hold of Severus' wrist. And how their eyes suddenly locked and Severus was suddenly reading the chaotic emotions in those golden-flecked hazel eyes. He could see how Lupin was struggling with memories that were coming back to him. And for a second…just a second, Severus had almost let go of his anger towards the wolf, remembering all of the emotions, all of the memories he'd experienced in Lupin's head. Then the anger came back, and he'd tore his wrist out of Lupin's grasp.
Why do I care if he's upset? Just because I've saved his sorry ass life doesn't make him my bloody problem! Severus thought as he finally reached Albus' office.
"That wolf has to go!" Severus shouted, as he barged into the headmaster's office, not bothering to knock or announce his arrival.
"Severus, a pleasure to see you. I was just going to pay you another visit in fact!" Albus smiled from behind his desk.
Severus stopped dead in his furious pacing. "Why?"
"Two things, I've spoken with Narcissa about the safe house that's ready for her and Draco. It's secluded in a wooded area. Easy to hide her and easy to watch her. I'll have some of the Order watch her at all times, they are expected to report anything suspicious."
"Good, Narcissa needs to get out of the castle as soon as possible. I don't want her near Harry any longer than necessary. So that means Draco is going with her?"
"Yes, I asked her to keep Draco here since he has less than a month left till term starts. But Narcissa was determined to keep him with her."
"That means we won't be able to keep a close eye on Draco and his task."
"That's okay, Severus. He'll be back soon, and we still have time."
"Albus…" Severus said his name softly. He wanted to voice that there was never enough time. Severus was never going to be ready to lose his mentor.
"And the second thing, I was just going to inform you that you will not have to take over the Dark Arts position after all."
Severus' sudden remorse faded away, replaced by the anger and annoyance he was feeling towards Lupin when he slammed his way into Albus' office.
Severus didn't even know why he was so livid about it, for this was no surprise. After Severus was released this morning, he and Albus had talked about the possibility of giving the werewolf the position. And of course Severus was upset about it, but he didn't let it show. He figured it was for the best to have Lupin close by for Harry, even though the bloody werewolf annoyed the shit out of Severus. But now, after what had just happened, now that the mere sight of the wolf pissed him off more than before, Severus was not going to hold back his anger and annoyance any longer.
"You're giving that werewolf the position?! Albus! I've waited years for that position and you've just cast me away like some dunderhead first year! Don't you remember how well having Lupin here went three years ago?"
"Severus, you were perfectly fine with this idea this morning. What has changed your mind so suddenly?"
"That werewolf is a fool, Albus, and if you can't see it, then you're a fool too. Nothing is worse than doing nothing to help a person who's in pain! Nothing! That wolf just let those idiots torture me, Albus! And what's worse, he'd assumed the same of me! Lupin still sees me as that Death Eater kid I once was! I won't have him here in this castle! Not with my son!"
Albus' eyes twinkled to Severus' displeasure. "Severus, you just have to learn to trust me. Just like when I had you take in Harry, you were doubtful it would work. And now look how you are with him. The same thing applies for Remus. I'm pretty sure it was just some misunderstanding. Just give him another chance, and with your monthly brew of wolfsbane, I trust that Remus will be alright here."
"How can you expect me to trust you, Albus? How? Especially with what you're making me do?"
"You just have to trust me."
Severus glared at him, his hands balled into fists.
"Severus, why do you care so much of what Remus says? Of what he thinks of you? If you truly hate him, then all of that should mean nothing. Instead, I can see his words have shaken you."
Severus thought of Albus' words. He couldn't understand what the bloody old coot meant by them. Severus was so angry, he couldn't even think up an etiquette response. So he ended up just saying, "I don't fucking care about that werewolf, Albus!"
Then turning around to leave the office, Severus could feel those annoying twinkling-blue eyes behind him and the knowing smile. Severus chose to ignore that, slamming the door hard behind him.
Review Responses!
Bluewater5: Yeah but Harry is only a teen, he does trust too easily. And yeah I thought about having Snape just telling Harry but I thought it would give more to write about if that didn't happen ha-ha. Keep reading!=)
GryffindorGangster: Thank you for reading my story! I hope to hear from you again. And keep reading! Maybe in the end you will like Snape haha.
Laurenmk20: Yes I know but Severus has a lot of respect for Dumbledore. He knows Dumbledore is the one who is going to pull the wizarding world out of this war. And you know Harry and Severus will never live a happy life until Voldemort is dead =( so Severus is just going to have to trust the man. Thanks for reviewing! =)
Guest: Thanks for your review! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
PotterGirl11: Thank you so much!=)
Sakraprace:Thank you so much for your reviews! And Sev has his reasons to not tell Harry, one being he promised Dumbledore. I guess we will have to wait to find out.
mindless: because Severus Snape is a very complicated man haha
TLJ110166:Thank you for the correction, I will look over chapter one again. =)