Chapter Twenty- Four - You're Already Home
A/N: When I first posted the original rough draft of this chapter, it was the day we lost Alan Rickman. I just wanted to take a moment to say that we'll always remember him and the talented way he portrayed the character of Severus Snape. No other actor can outshine him in that role. He was very inspiring and talented and we all miss him so very much. R.I.P Alan Rickman.
"You're not a dark creature," Severus said gently. His eyes were shy, but they were full of certainty in what he was telling Remus.
And suddenly the warmth coming off from the fireplace intensified, making the room feel stifling. And the only sound that could be heard was the cackling flames and the ticking of the clock on the mantel. Remus stopped himself from finishing his sentence. He could feel his cheeks growing warm at Severus' words, at the sudden weight of Severus' hand on his chest, just over the hideous burn scar placed right over Remus' heart.
How did Severus know the scar was there? Did he see it when he'd rescued Remus in that cellar? Shame and embarrassment washed over him at the thought of Severus seeing clear evidence of what Remus had spent more than half of his life trying to hide.
Severus' pale face was flushed as they suddenly made eye contact. Neither of them said a word. The air between them grew tense. Suddenly, there was something between them that Remus couldn't figure out, nor never expected to happen.
And getting lost in those dark eyes, Remus found himself remembering how he'd obtained the hideous label on his chest. The memory insulted Remus. He recalled the way the Death Eaters held him down, the way Greyback's malevolent eyes gleamed down at Remus as he watched. Remus could remember the feeling of the heated pressure of the silver rod and the smell of his burnt flesh, causing Remus to lose control and throw up, the screams of fear and pain he'd let out. And just before he'd passed out, the worst feeling Remus ever had of himself rushed through him, fresh and raw and so painful, the feeling that he wasn't human.
With all of that flashing through Remus' head, with the sounds of his own screams in his ears, the smell of burnt flesh in his nose, and his heart aching painfully in his chest, Remus suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe. His chest felt tight, but those dark obsidian eyes searching Remus held him down, keeping him from having a panic attack just like Harry's earlier.
Trying to push away the flashbacks, trying to calm himself down so he could breathe, Remus couldn't help but have the feeling that Severus was reading his mind. It was as if he knew what Remus had gone through, knew what he was remembering, waiting for Remus to say something about it.
Then Severus was suddenly leaning in, his eyes traveling down to Remus' lips.
Who was this version of Severus Snape sitting besides Remus? What happened to the cold and bitter man who'd spoken to Remus with annoyance out in the courtyard? The Severus Snape who held everything the Marauders did to him close to his heart and blamed Remus for, who feared Remus for being a werewolf. The Severus who'd shouted at Remus in front of the hospital wing doors for leaving Harry for a suicide mission. Where was that man?
And who was this version of Severus Snape looking at Remus like that? Like he understood what was going on inside Remus' head, leaning in close with his hand on Remus' chest. Remus had noticed the way Severus' obsidian eyes were observing him all evening, watching as Remus healed Severus' leg, reading Remus as they'd conversed about Harry and of Voldemort's meeting. It was the most they've spoken to each other after so many years of knowing each other. It was the first conversation they've shared without it turning into an argument, without insults, without curses and hexes being thrown between them.
Staring into those dark eyes, trying to figure out this man before him, Remus noticed the emotionless facade Severus always wore was starting to fracture. Allowing Remus to see a small glimpse of what might be a side of Severus Snape of which Remus never knew existed.
It was clear that Severus was no longer that dark teenager back in school. He's changed... Severus had somehow grown into someone who Remus could definitely see a chance of them becoming friends in the near future… Or maybe, something more? Am I feeling something for him? What would it be like to kiss this new version of Severus Snape?
Remus lost his train of thought… And he was suddenly leaning in. Remus could feel the warmth of Severus' breath… Their lips were so close, about to touch….
Then Remus heard the rustle of bedsheets and bare feet hitting the floor softly.
"Severus?" Harry's sleepy voice sounded from his bedroom.
Remus leaned away, snapping out of the sudden daze he was in.
At the sound of Harry's voice, Severus tore his hand off Remus' chest so fast, as if touching Remus burned his skin. Remus tried not to flinch from it, tried not to feel hurt by the sudden look of disgust on the Potion Master's face. The mask was back on, hiding the Severus Snape Remus was so curious to see.
"Harry, what are you doing up?" Severus asked, instantly moving away, not daring to look at Remus as he made his way towards Harry.
"I had a dream… I tried to stay awake to wait for you but…" Harry suddenly glanced at Remus, his cheeks reddening. Remus only nodded to his cub, hoping Harry would get the message that there were no hard feelings over what'd transpired that evening.
"Come on, kid," Severus sighed gently.
Remus silently watched Severus lead Harry back to his room, closing the door shut behind them.
What just happened? Did we just almost kiss? Severus was leaning in! I was leaning in!
Remus was fully in shock as he realized how close their faces were, so close Remus had felt Severus' warm breath against his cheek.
We were definitely about to kiss!
And what shocked Remus even more was his realization that he missed the gentle weight on his chest, those dark eyes trying to figure him out. Remus felt his stomach flutter with butterflies. Am I crushing on Severus Snape?
Remus suddenly couldn't think anymore or breathe. How the bloody hell did this happen? Remus thought as he ran his hands over his face and into his hair, taking a deep breath.
Does this mean Severus is gay?
Remus sighed in frustration as he shook the question away, not wanting to put any labels on Severus. It was possible Severus didn't even know himself, based on the way he'd reacted when he'd realized what they were about to do. Remus remembered with an ache in his heart and his stomach suddenly feeling queasy, the way Severus tore himself away when Harry came into the living room. It was as if he was repulsed by the idea of being seen so close to Remus.
Was it because I'm another man? Or was it because it's me, the werewolf he's hated and been afraid of since he was sixteen? Remus did not blame Severus for his reaction. Honestly, who would want to be involved with a werewolf?
But what does this mean? Remus wondered, looking back at Harry's closed door.
Remus couldn't deny the fact that there was a growing tension in the air between them ever since they had sat out in the courtyard together. Remus had no idea how it started. It was just suddenly there. And he remembered how Severus watched him during the last Order meeting on Harry's attack. And since then, Remus always felt those eyes on him whenever they were in the same room together.
So, Remus watched his old school enemy as well. Noticing how different Severus was now. At first, Remus was hesitant and a little jealous of Severus being an adoptive father to Harry, knowing how much Severus hated James. But watching Severus and Harry together, it was clear they were closer than they'd used to be, and Remus was able to accept Severus taking a place in Harry's life that should've been his.
And as Remus watched Severus, he began to see more than the dark and greasy teenage boy Severus once was. Remus saw the dolting and protective, adoptive father to Harry. Remus saw the quiet and sophisticated version of Severus during the Order meeting as he'd stood beside Albus Dumbledore, as he'd stood among people who mistrusted him, yet didn't let their harsh judgment stop him from protecting Draco Malfoy. There was also the dark, rebellious side of Severus Snape that Remus saw in him tonight as Severus forced himself to go to Voldemort, knowing he was going to get hurt, knowing he may lose his life. And lying to the most dangerous wizard of their time, Severus was smart enough to get away with it. And this dangerous risk Severus was taking was all for the cause of the war, for his unexplainable loyalty towards Albus of which no one knows why.
This new side of Severus Snape enticed Remus to open the bedroom door that very moment, and ask Severus what he'd meant. Remus desperately wanted to ask what the tension between them was, and why they were leaning towards one another so closely... Remus wanted to know why, but he was afraid of the possibility of it meaning nothing… Remus was afraid to open the door….
I have to stop thinking about him, Remus thought as he suddenly got up and left Severus' quarters.
.
.
While Remus walked down the dark corridors of the silent and empty castle, contemplating his possible crush on Severus, he suddenly thought of Sirius and what he might think of this.
Sirius would hate it….
And with that realization, pain went through Remus like an old dagger straight to the heart, and he recalled their last conversation before Sirius died….
"Sirius, you can't go after Harry! You have to stay here!"
"Harry's my godson!" Sirius shouted. "Who are you to tell me what to do, Remus? I have to get him! That boy is James' son!"
Sirius' blue eyes were full of indignation, wild with pent up energy at the thought of Remus leading a rescue team for Harry without him. Looking into those eyes, Remus knew at that point there was no use in trying to convince Sirius to stay. Once his mind was made up, there was no chance of changing it.
"Sirius, you idiot! We're going to the Ministry where you're most likely going to be seen! That won't help Harry at all. We can't lose you to Azkaban again!"
"No matter what you say, you're not changing my mind. You fucking know that already! I'm going after him!" Sirius shouted.
Glaring at Sirius, Remus knew gold flecks were starting to show in his own eyes. Remus could feel the wolf howling from his frustration and anger boiling deep inside him, and Remus fought the wolf back.
Sirius reached out and placed his hand on Remus' shoulder. Probably to make him understand his side or perhaps Sirius could see Remus' internal struggle and wanted to calm him down, to comfort Remus like he would usually do.
Remus slapped Sirius' hand away and stepped back, not wanting to be touched by him. Ignoring everyone gasping with shock, Remus gave everything he had to not lose his temper. He couldn't let the wolf show in his face in front of all the Order members who were watching the arguing Marauders.
Sirius shot a hurt look at Remus who only glared back at him. They stared at each other with the sound of Remus' slap and their last words to each other echoing in the tense and silent room. Remus couldn't bear to look at those ice-blue eyes any longer. This person standing in front of him wasn't his Sirius. Remus knew Sirius had always been reckless, but not like this. Not selfishly and stupidly giving himself up for a mission Sirius knew very well that Remus could handle himself.
Remus knew Sirius was tired of being left behind in this dark house. He understood the dark depression and restlessness Sirius had fallen under ever since his return from Azkaban. Remus tried to sympathize with Sirius, but this time, Remus couldn't. Not when he knew deep down the real reason why Sirius wanted to join the rescue team tonight. It was for the thrill of facing danger and not being left behind once more. Sirius was just using Harry as an excuse to tag along.
This wasn't just only about Harry's safety. Remus knew it, and Sirius knew it. He was being fucking selfish. Remus needed Sirius to be safe. Harry needed Sirius to be safe.
But did Sirius care? No!
And Remus was tired of it. He was tired of taking care of Sirius and receiving nothing but drunken words of hate in return. Remus was tired of making sure Sirius stayed safe. He was tired of keeping him company in this terrible house and doing everything possible to keep Sirius happy and afloat, when Sirius fought Remus every step of the way. And now Sirius just wanted to go off and get himself killed or arrested?!
Fuck this! It's his bloody life! If that's what Sirius wants, then so be it!
Remus was done.
"You know what, Sirius, go! Just go! Do the fuck you want! I don't care anymore, I'm done with you!"
Remus turned around and left the kitchen. He slammed the door shut harder than he meant to, but Remus didn't care as he ran upstairs to the parlor.
Remus stationed himself in front of the long windows, watching the chosen Order members assemble outside. Remus had to control himself before joining them. The wolf was growling inside of him, fighting for dominance. It didn't understand why Remus was feeling so angry, frustrated and hurt. It didn't understand, and it wanted to take control so it could fight off the offender. Remus had to pull himself together before taking off to rescue Harry. He couldn't go like this. He couldn't lose control. And so, Remus tried to reign in his emotions.
"Come on, wolf, calm down," Remus whispered. "It's okay…"
Feeling slightly mad for talking to the wolf spirit inside him, Remus closed his eyes. Counting as he inhaled and exhaled, just like how his mom once taught him years ago when Remus was a child and learning to control his emotions.
Remus suddenly sensed Sirius standing behind him, but he didn't move. He continued to focus on his deep breaths.
"Remus…"
Remus kept his eyes closed, remembering the Sirius he fell in love with. His laughing blue eyes… That smile that always gave Remus butterflies… The whispers in the night as they'd talked about a future together… And Merlin, that guitar of his and that voice… The way it felt to be held by him. The feel of his skin, his warmth and his scent… The history they had together…best friends falling in love….
"Did you really mean what you've said down there?" Sirius asked softly.
Remus didn't answer, didn't move. And after a small stretch of silence, Remus finally opened his eyes.
Remus glared out of the window, not seeing the view of the street outside as he thought of the truth he so much wanted to say to the stranger standing behind him… You say I don't talk to you… That I'm different from the person you've fallen in love with. You say that I've changed… But what you don't realize is that you've changed as well, so much that I can no longer recognize you...
If only Remus had the courage to say all of that out loud.
"Remus, please say something…" Sirius whispered, not moving, not breathing.
The air between them felt so frozen that not even the hottest summer could melt it.
Remus kept his gaze on the windowpane. The memory of Sirius' drunken voice spewing out words of hate chased away the good memories of their relationship, giving Remus the strength to speak up.
"You just don't understand…" Remus said, noticing from the reflection of the glass that his hazel-green eyes turned completely amber.
Remus' gaze then traveled to Sirius' reflection just over his shoulder. And for a second, Remus lost a bit of his hold on the wolf. Showing his sharp white canines, Remus snarled at the reflection of the man that had caused him to love, hate and hurt with the deepest passion.
Sirius didn't move.
Remus didn't move.
They stayed still, not really sure what to say to save their relationship. They both knew this moment was coming. Remus thought he'd prepared himself, but he was wrong. He could feel the tears burning in the back of his eyes, he could feel his hands shaking in the pockets of his robes. Remus felt his throat choking up and his soul shattering as his world began to fall apart
Remus had gone through this before. When he'd thought Sirius killed Lily and James. And Remus survived it….
I'll be okay, Remus said to himself, trying to give himself the courage to stay strong. I need to let him go….
"What don't I understand?" Sirius asked.
Remus took a deep breath.
"I can't keep quiet anymore. I can't do it anymore. We've both changed," Remus said quietly, slowly, choosing his words carefully. "You want to go off and kill yourself or get yourself arrested… You want to destroy your life… You want to leave me behind again, leave Harry, only to face danger. Admit it, this isn't just about rescuing Harry."
Sirius shook his head.
"What are you bloody talking about? My godson's in danger! I can't stay here being fucking useless while you and the Order go out and fight! I can't stand another mission being left behind again! This isn't a life, Remus! Staying here, locked up! If James were here, he would've understood! Why can't you understand? The Remus I used to know would've been on my side! What the fuck happened to you? Why don't you bloody understand me anymore!"
Sirius was shouting and Remus was sure everyone could hear through the thin walls. Remus sighed in frustration. This was turning into the same argument they kept having over and over again. Maybe this was a sign that they should just end it.
"Honestly... I've changed fifteen years ago when you've decided to be selfish for your own revenge and go after Peter! Harry was in that house, crying, hurt! And you left him!"
"No, Moony… I had to… The rat…" Sirius whispered, his voice full of hurt and denial, but Remus couldn't stop now. The pain, betrayal, everything that he'd kept inside for so, so long...was spilling out. And too fed up and tired, Remus allowed it.
"The war changed us both!" Remus shouted back. "And you don't see that! You only see what you want to see, your own pain. You don't give a shit, do you? You want to fucking die! You just want to be with James! But he's gone, Sirius! You must accept that, now! He's been gone for fifteen years! And risking yourself on this mission tonight, you dying on this mission, won't bring him back!"
"Dammit, Remus, shut up! Turn around and bloody look at me!" Sirius shouted.
Remus didn't want to. He bore the golden eyes of the wolf. Remus didn't want Sirius to see that he was losing himself. The wolf was pushing at the surface, growling, angry and dominant… Almost breaking free...
When Remus didn't turn around, Sirius said softly, "I don't even remember the last time you've said you loved me."
How dare he do that! Remus thought. How dare he try to make me feel bad!
Forgetting all his reasons to not let Sirius see the wolf showing in his face, Remus whirled around, growling in anger, sounding more wolfish than ever. It was the worst Sirius had ever seen him. Remus had to give him credit for not flinching at the monstrous sight before him.
"I'm distant because I try so hard to be here with you, but you're so stuck in your misery you can't even be grateful for the things right in front of you. Never mind that you have another chance at life, that you're no longer in Azkaban! And yes, Lily and James are dead, but Harry's alive! I'm alive! And so what if you're stuck here! I know you hate it and you're restless, but the Sirius I knew fourteen years ago would've been stronger than let this house get to him, you would've stayed strong! And you're not! You choose alcohol instead of talking to me! You choose to wallow in your self-pity every time I try to help you! And I can't fucking do this anymore with you! We're stuck in this fucking toxic cycle, and I'm done!"
Remus was shouting with his sharp white canines flashing, and his golden eyes full of anger and hurt to be saying the terrible words Remus kept inside for so long. Everything was just spilling out.
"I'm distant because I don't love you! The Sirius I've loved, died fourteen years ago!"
"You don't mean that!" Sirius shouted, finally moving, stepping forward and grabbing Remus' face with both of his hands. "You don't bloody mean that! You love me! You were nothing before I met you! Nothing!"
Those words hurt Remus. They hurt him deep inside, right in the core, because Sirius was right. If he hadn't met the Marauders in school, Remus would've been nothing.
"Yes, I meant what I've said! Do you know how much it takes to clean you up when you're drunk? And bare the words you say to me! It hurts when you push me away, when you tell me you'll rather have James alive than me! You fucken told me that when you were pissed a couple of nights ago, and you don't even remember because that's how far gone you were!" Remus shouted "Why are you so upset with what I'm telling you, Sirius? You don't care, I know you don't! You wanted me to talk to you, so there you go! The truth!"
Blue eyes, wide and sad, still holding onto Remus, Sirius whispered, "It's bothering me because I still love you! You make me bloody insane and you don't understand that!"
Remus tore his face away from Sirius, stepping back and creating a distance between them. "If you really do love me then you wouldn't go. You'll stay here, you'll stop drinking, and you wouldn't have said that to me," Remus said softly. "But it's too late, I know you won't stay here. Do whatever you want. I'm done trying to help you."
Sirius' blue eyes on him hardened. "I didn't realize I was such a burden to you, but if that's how you feel… If that's how you want it…" he said, his voice choking on his last words.
"If you go, it's over between us, Sirius."
"Moony…"
And with that soft whisper, Remus allowed his tears to finally fall. The wolf howled inside him. Its fighting spirit was subdued by the deep pain Remus was suddenly falling under. It finally stopped fighting for dominance. And with those tears streaming down his cheeks, Remus began to feel pity for Sirius. His heart was breaking. As much as he'd wanted to let Sirius go, Remus couldn't do it just like that.
And so, stuck in their toxic cycle, Remus couldn't help but say, "If you stay, we'll work this out. We'll talk without shouting at each other. If you stay, then I'll know you've chosen me and Harry, and not your need to put your life in danger. I'll know we're important to you, and that you don't want me dead, and that Harry isn't James."
"I know Harry isn't James. Remus, You guys are important to me. I still love you."
And Remus couldn't say it back. He was glad that at that moment, with Sirius' words being left hanging in the air, with his blue-grey eyes boring into Remus filled with heartbreak, they were interrupted by a low drawling voice.
"Am I interrupting something?
They both turned to see Snape standing by the door, his black eyes surveying the scene.
"The rescue mission is ready, Lupin. Have you chained up your mutt?" the dark wizard sneered.
"Watch it, Snivels!" Sirius barked, holding his wand to his arch enemy, ready to take out all of his pain on Snape.
"I gave you a choice. Do what you want, Sirius," Remus said sadly, quickly wiping away his tears before walking past the two men.
The Order were waiting outside for him. Remus stepped out onto the pavement. Mad-eye and Kingsley nodded at him respectably, awaiting orders from him. Since Harry was closer to Remus and Sirius than any other Order member, Dumbledore had appointed Remus as the leader of the rescue mission. Remus rolled his eyes when he noticed Sirius joining them.
Typical… Of course he'll choose the wrong thing… Remus felt tears burn in the back of his eyes once more, but he held himself together as he relayed his Ministry break-in plans to the rescue team.
Just as they were taking off, a small hand suddenly held onto his own. Remus looked down at a young witch with pink hair. She was one of the newest members of the Order of the Phoenix. Remus remembered briefly that her name was Tonks, and that she was Sirius' cousin.
"He'll be okay," Tonks whispered.
Remus wasn't sure who Tonks was referring to, Harry or Sirius. Remus let out a sigh and only said, "I hope so."
And if she was referring to Sirius, Remus didn't tell Tonks that she was wrong. Sirius wasn't okay. Remus wasn't okay. Whatever left of the relationship they once had...was gone. And now...nothing was ever going to be the same again.
.
.
And now as Remus entered his bedroom, he wondered what was the point in trying to keep Sirius safe? What was the point in being there for him every night so he wouldn't be alone, making sure Sirius didn't drown himself in alcohol? And what was the point in trying to salvage whatever was left of their relationship? What was the point if Sirius was just going to die?
And after Sirius died, Remus' grief was too hard to deal with. Remus was wrong in thinking he would be okay after letting Sirius go. Remus realized the point was so that Sirius knew he wasn't alone, that Remus still loved him. And the guilt he felt at the way Remus just gave up, letting Sirius go… Remus should've tried harder.
That guilt was worse than the grief, that Sirius died thinking Remus gave up on him, on their relationship. Remus was such a mess after Sirius died, drinking alone and never being sober, hiding in that dark house, and being reckless with his life for a stupid mission, forgetting Harry. Remus ended up doing everything he'd accused Sirius of doing. That was why Remus took Severus' harsh scolding to heart, vowing to change, to be stronger for Harry. He and Severus were all Harry had left now.
Remus took off his robes and changed into his pajama pants and muggle t-shirt, then climbed into his bed. He found himself unable to sleep. And turning over on his side, Remus stared out at the moonless sky outside his bedroom window.
Remus couldn't shake off his guilt. He shouldn't have been so harsh and cold that night. He should've tried to understand Sirius more.
I don't love you anymore….
It wasn't true… It was just in the heat of the moment... They were both angry at each other that night, and scared for Harry's safety.
And then Sirius was falling through the veil….
And Remus was crashing down, as he held onto a struggling and crying Harry, preventing him from going after his godfather.
"I still love you, Sirius," Remus whispered. "I still love you… I'm sorry..." And for just a moment… Remus could have sworn he'd caught a whiff of a familiar scent… Sirius... But it was only for a moment, gone before Remus could really think about it.
I need to stop thinking about him… Remus rubbed his face with his hands, forcing himself not to cry. Then Remus used wandless and non-verbal magic as he waved his hand to close the curtains shut and the lanterns went out, leaving Remus in the darkness of his room.
Remus was crazy to consider having another relationship when the relationship he had with Sirius fell apart so horribly. Sirius was the love of his life, his best friend, his first kiss, his first everything. This wasn't how they were supposed to end up….
In spite of his broken heart yearning for another chance of love, Remus was too afraid to take that chance once more, so he decided to stay away from Severus. He couldn't go through that again. If Remus ended up getting hurt again, he couldn't go back to that dark place… Where Remus drank himself to sleep every night, wishing he was dead just like how Sirius wanted him to be if it meant having James back.
Severus and Harry deserve better than a stinking werewolf anyways… Remus thought harshly as he put his hand over the burn on his chest.
This is what I am, Remus thought.
Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature.
I have to stop fooling myself….
Forever burned into his memory were those haunted blue eyes boring into Remus as he'd told the truth that night, then Sirius fading away into the veil….
And forget the idea of me and Severus ever happening.
Remus closed his eyes trying to fall asleep, trying to forget how Severus was so close to him, and the weight of his hand on Remus' chest. The way Severus looked at Remus with those dark eyes of his….
Exhausted from overthinking his actions towards Lupin, and what to do the next time the Dark Lord calls him for Harry, Severus finished his coffee and flooed straight to the headmaster's office as soon as the sun rose. Severus made sure to leave a note for Harry that his breakfast was in the oven under a Stasis Spell and that he would return soon.
Green flames surrounded Severus as he stepped out of Albus' fireplace.
"Albus!" Severus shouted, not noticing the headmaster putting away an old journal inside his desk drawer.
"Severus, you're up very early. I hope you're having a pleasant morning."
"Spare me the pleasantries, Albus," Severus snapped. "I was called by the Dark Lord last night."
Albus' smile vanished as he studied Severus' pale face with bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep.
"What happened, Severus?" Albus asked with a hint of urgency.
"He knows about Harry staying with me," Severus said as he paced the room, trying to gather his thoughts together. The memories of last night were flashing before Severus' eyes, making his body tremble. And the fear Severus felt was coming back, suffocating him, wrapping its sickening tendrils around his neck, constricting him to breathe.
"Severus, sit." Albus was suddenly there standing beside him. "Please, sit. Tell me what happened."
Severus' black eyes met Albus' own blue eyes behind half-moon glasses. The headmaster's steady gaze calmed him a little. Severus slowly nodded and sat down in one of the squashy armchairs in front of Albus' desk. Taking his own seat, Albus waited patiently for Severus to begin explaining the events of last night.
"The Dark Lord knew about Harry staying with me, he didn't tell me how he'd found out. I told him a story of Harry and I constantly arguing and hating each other, and I was only watching him for you. That I couldn't tell him about Harry under your orders. I'm certain the Dark Lord hasn't found out about the adoption."
"We're going to have to keep that quiet. The only people who know are a few selected Order members besides the department officials who authorized the guardian transfer; they're under a binding contract to not reveal anything."
"Let's just hope the Dark Lord doesn't dig deeper. If he does, he'll be led to the department. If an official employee goes missing, we're screwed," Severus muttered.
"Something tells me this isn't the worst of what you have to tell me," Albus assumed.
Severus leaned over, placing his elbows on his knees. He looked up at his old mentor, not really seeing him, but of the memory of the Dark Lord walking slowly around a huddled up Severus on the floor, kneeling down and crooning malignantly into Severus' ear.
"I'll give you another chance to make up for your disloyalty. Next time I call you, bring me Potter."
Severus inwardly shuddered as he choked out. "He wants me to bring Harry next time he calls me. He wants to turn Harry evil and train him."
Albus frowned at the news. "We're not letting Harry go that easily. He's not ready, and I need him for when the next term starts. I have some things to teach him before I die."
Rage filled inside Severus, taking away his fear. "You need him?! Why does it have to be Harry! Why can't you show me what you know! I'm cunning enough! I'm strong and capable of vanquishing the Dark Lord! Why can't you let me kill him instead of my son! And must you speak about your death so casually?"
"No, Severus, it can't be you. You know very well it has to be Harry and Voldemort in the end."
"That was just a prophecy, they always change. Those bloody things are never accurate. I don't even know why this school even teaches a subject as useless as Divination! Why must we go by that unreliable source?" Severus shouted, standing out of his chair, preparing to storm out.
"Severus…" Albus said in a warning voice, standing up as well and glaring at Severus with a blue fire in his eyes; telling Severus they weren't done yet.
"No, Albus, I'm through with this great plan of yours! Harry's my son now, you have no right to test him and goad him into doing your dangerous tasks! It doesn't have to be only him who defeats the Dark Lord! Stop fulfilling that idea in his head!"
"Severus, you gave me your word."
"Don't worry, I'm still keeping my promise to you. I've accepted the fact that it's going to have to be me to kill you in the end. I'm doing it for the sake of trusting you and to save Draco from becoming a murderer himself! I'm willing to comply with your orders. But allowing you to meet with Harry secretly so you can teach him or show him things you won't show me, so in the end he has it in his head to be the only one to kill the Dark Lord? No… that's not happening. Harry has me, the wolf and the Weasleys! He has the whole damn Order all capable of and willing to fight with him!"
"Severus, calm down!"
Severus glared at him. "Just promise me you won't put that idea in his head."
"I'm not going to let Harry think he's in this war alone. I'm training him so he'll have a chance when the time comes. You know as well as I do that Voldemort won't stop hunting after Harry until he's dead. Now...would you rather have me not train Harry, leaving him defenseless? Or train him and show him the past of his enemy, so he has a better chance?"
"Is that what you're planning? You're going to show Harry the past of the Dark Lord?"
Albus nodded.
Severus looked at the headmaster in shock, washing away some of his anger. "No one knows…" he could only say.
"I was able to stumble across some contacts of mine... Never mind how I was able to uncover Voldemort's past, Severus. I know you're stressed. Your magic is strained and you're afraid for your son, but you just have to trust me. I would never put Harry in real danger, do you understand? Everything I do has a purpose, everything I do brings us one step closer to ending this war. I can't do it without you."
Severus glowered at him. "Okay, fine! However, if I find out that you put Harry in danger, or if he ever comes back upset or hurt from your meetings, it's going to stop!"
Albus nodded. "Thank you, Severus... And don't worry about when Voldemort calls you, I'll figure something out. In the meantime, you should get yourself checked into the hospital wing and get some rest. You had a tough night."
"One more thing, Albus, he was truly furious... The Dark Lord… He was furious about Narcissa betraying him. So if she's the one behind the attack it has to be by her own vendetta." And Severus relayed everything that had happened of the Dark Lord's intrusion into Severus' mind. How Severus was unable to protect himself, and so he was forced to give up all of his information he had of Narcissa.
Albus was quiet for a few moments, going over everything Severus told him. "Don't beat yourself up over this," he finally said. "You did everything you could. I'll rather have Voldemort know this than anything important about Harry and of the Order."
"We're basically back at square one. Now all we can do is wait like fucking sitting ducks until they strike again."
"Let them try, Severus, we'll be ready," Albus assured Severus as he led him to the door. And Severus just hoped with everything he had that Albus was right.
.
.
"Next time, Severus, I advise you to come to me straight away!" Madam Pomfrey scolded as she handed Severus a potion to strengthen up his magical core. "I don't want you to be using any advanced magic for three weeks, is that clear? Or you're going to stay here so I can monitor you!"
Severus only nodded as he drank the potion she gave him, then stood up. As soon as he'd entered the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey shoved him down onto a hospital bed and hit him with a spell so she could check the condition of his magical core and health.
"I understand, three weeks...no advance magic," Severus muttered in annoyance.
Madam Pomfrey was acting if he had wanted to see the Dark Lord last night and strain his magical core again. Severus rolled his eyes at the fussy matron's scolding as he left the hospital wing.
As Severus walked slowly back to his quarters, he was so deep in thought about what Albus might be planning for the next time the Dark Lord called him, Severus didn't notice Lupin until he'd collided into him, knocking down the books Lupin was carrying.
"Severus!"
"Watch where you're going, wolf!" Severus shouted before he could stop himself.
The sound of crashing books filled the corridor and the werewolf fell back against the rails of the stairwell, grabbing it before he tumbled down the staircase.
"I didn't see you with all these books."
Lupin frowned as he straightened himself up, not looking Severus in the eye as he then began to pick up his books one by one.
Completely taken aback by Lupin's distant demeanor, Severus just stared at him.
What the bloody hell was his problem? Was Severus perhaps too forward last night? After all, Severus didn't plan on it… Things had just happened….
Severus remembered how he'd accidentally touched the werewolf's chest and leant in. The memory of Lupin softly saying his name, leaning forward...about to meet Severus' lips, and those hazel-green eyes that'd reminded Severus of that dream...
It caused Severus' stomach to turn and he felt himself blush.
This morning Severus had decided that last night meant nothing, nothing at all. But the idea of Lupin rejecting him? It drove Severus insane. That distant look Lupin gave him, it made Severus mad and he didn't know why. He shouldn't even care that Lupin decided to act like last night didn't happen! Especially when Severus had decided to do the same thing.
Severus only watched as Remus picked up the fallen books. Should he say something? Or should he just walk away? And before Severus knew it, Remus was picking up the last book, balancing it on the top of the book stack in his arms.
"Have a good morning, Severus," Lupin said, giving Severus a small nod and not making eye contact. He then began to walk towards the direction of his quarters.
"Lupin, wait!" Severus called out.
Lupin turned around and looked at him, this time meeting Severus' eyes. Severus was caught off guard at the sudden eye contact and he felt his stomach turn again.
Severus could only stare back at the wolf, feeling shy and suddenly too nervous to talk to him. He'd never felt this way towards Lupin before. What was it about this wolf that suddenly affected Severus like this? No one has ever made him feel so nervous and shy... Severus was the one who scared people with just a simple glare or scowl.
And staring at Severus with golden hair hanging over those eyes, Lupin waited expectantly with the large stack of books in his arms.
Severus realized he had nothing to say. He didn't even know why he'd called Lupin back. Maybe...he should mention last night... Severus was curious about what Lupin had to say about it. Were they really going to kiss?
What the hell am I doing? Why do you have this effect on me all of a sudden, as if I'm entranced by you… I'm supposed to hate you!
"About last night…" Severus cleared his throat, trying to find the right words and hoping his face wasn't beet red... Severus felt really warm all of a sudden.
Severus couldn't do it. He couldn't find the words with Lupin staring patiently at him like that. Looking like he'd just rolled out of bed, threw on some muggle clothes and headed straight to the library. Severus couldn't help but admire the way Lupin looked in the light-blue jeans and faded t-shirt that had some muggle music group on it. Then Severus realized, he was checking Lupin out. Mortified, Severus chickened out on what he was trying to say...
"After what happened last night, I'm not allowed to perform advanced magic for three weeks. I was wondering if you can take over Harry's dueling practice for me until I've regained my strength."
"Oh, um, yeah sure," Lupin shrugged. "Just have him come by anytime…"
Despite his cool manner, Severus could see how uncertain Lupin was. He could hear the awkwardness in Lupin's voice.
"Look, Lupin..." Severus sighed. He couldn't let Lupin walk away without trying. So he gathered up his courage out of sheer impulse. "About last night…"
"No, Severus..." Lupin whispered as he shook his head. "I have to go," he said, before turning around and walking down the corridor.
Severus could only watch him leave, feeling like he may just throw up from embarrassment. He forced himself to not shout or scowl or anything. He calmly made his way back to his quarters, deciding that he, Severus Snape, was a fool.
.
.
By the time Severus actually entered his quarters it was late morning. He walked over to the kitchen thinking of how nice another cup of coffee sounded to soothe his anxieties.
Severus walked straight to the stove for the coffee pot. Luckily, whatever was left from this morning was still hot. As Severus reached up to the cabinet for his favorite mug, he didn't even realize Harry was eating his late breakfast at the table.
"Nice Slytherin mug," Harry said, causing Severus to jump, nearly dropping the coffee pot and the mug in his hand.
"Fuck! Harry, you gave me a heart attack!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You look tired. Are you okay?"
"It was just a hard night," Severus sighed, taking deep breaths to recover as he poured himself the last of the morning's coffee.
"What happened, Sev? Was Voldemort angry? Why did he call you?"
"What did I say about using his name?" Severus gently scolded, only to avoid the questions.
Severus sipped his coffee, staring out of the enchanted window. The sun was near the highest peak in the sky, showing that morning was turning into early noon. Severus wasn't sure what to say, reminding himself that he'd been making it a point to always try and be truthful to Harry. It was one of the things that allowed Harry to open up to Severus. Harry hated being lied to, and Severus understood that. Especially the way Albus always kept the boy in the dark, getting Harry caught up in all of these dangerous adventures and never fully explaining to Harry the purpose of them. Plus, Severus didn't want Harry to worry over the Dark Lord being after him right now. He wanted Harry to focus on recovering his mental health.
"It was just a meeting for the Death Eaters to report back..." Severus said, hating himself for gaslighting his son. He was sick of lying for this fucking war! "He was just in a bloody mood."
"I'm just really glad nothing bad happened to you. I'm sorry I've made it hard for you to leave last night."
"It's okay, Harry. I understand you were afraid. And like I've told you already, I'm smart and cunning enough to take care of myself. I'm too important for him to impulsively kill me. Don't you worry about me when I get called. I'll always return to you."
Harry shyly nodded, his eyes going down to his plate as he moved his breakfast around with his fork.
Severus sighed, noticing the signs of Harry closing up. Becoming quiet, not making eye contact, sometimes fidgeting with whatever he's holding at the moment.
Severus sat down at the table besides his son, placing a hand on his arm to make Harry put down his fork. He felt the small flinch as Harry looked at him.
"Do you not trust me when I say I'll always return to you?"
"It's just something you can't fully promise. I know the danger you put yourself in, Sev."
"Just believe in me, okay?"
Harry nodded.
"Since I have you here, I have to talk to you about your behavior with Lupin last night."
"I don't really want to talk about him…" Harry muttered.
"No, we're having this discussion whether you like it or not. I know Lupin wasn't there for you this summer. I know that you're trying your best to not be upset by that… But you are upset. You have to let Lupin know why, you have to talk to him."
"I can't, Sev. I really do care for Remus. He's one of my dad's best friends, but I can't trust him to talk about what I've gone through. I can't tell him about me cutting myself and why I do it… I can barely talk to you…"
"I know why you can't trust adults. I understand why, and I don't blame you… But like you've said, this is the last of your father's friends. Lupin cares for you, Harry. Just try to open up a little, okay?"
Harry shook his head. "He won't understand. And I kept telling him to drop the subject, but Remus was so persistent and then he saw my scars..."
Severus eyed his son for a moment, trying to think why Harry all of a sudden was so stubborn to not give Lupin a chance. One moment he was telling Severus how he and Lupin had talked about Sirius while Harry was in the hospital wing after his attack. How Lupin helped ease his grief a little, and didn't mind talking about Sirius again with him. Now, Harry was upset and reluctant to talk to Lupin?
Harry was like that with me as well at the beginning… Opening up, then shutting down… Severus tried to remember why. And then he felt so stupid when the answer dawned on him.
Harry was afraid that Lupin would see him differently due to his self-harm and the abuse he'd suffered from. Harry's self-esteem was pretty much shot thanks to those blasted Dursleys, and Harry was paying the price. Harry couldn't trust Lupin because of the way he was raised. Severus glowered at the wall, imagining himself hexing those stupid muggles.
"Sev...?" Harry whispered.
"Harry, tell me that you're not a freak!" Severus said.
"Why?" Harry stammered, taken aback by the sudden order.
"Say it!" Severus snapped.
Harry shook his head.
"Why can't you say it?"
Harry just shrugged, not making eye contact.
Severus sighed in frustration.
"I think I know why you won't talk to Lupin about what happened. You're afraid he'll see you as what you see yourself. A freak!"
Harry casted his eyes down, not saying anything. Clearly ashamed of the truth Severus just spoke.
"You're not a freak, Harry." Severus reached over and lifted the boy's chin gently. "Do you know what I see? A young, smart man who would risk his life for his friends. That's far from something as terrible as a freak."
"I don't see that, Sev…" Harry tore his face away from Severus' hand.
"Well then, that's heartbreaking. It truly is, son, because that's what I see in you. It's what Lupin sees in you, the Weasleys and your friends. You're the only one who doesn't. And I hope one day that you will."
"Yeah, me too…" Harry shrugged.
"Can you just try to give Lupin a chance?" Severus asked. "I've asked him if he can take over your dueling practice for the next three weeks. I'm under strict orders to rest my magic. So I expect you to be polite to him. Just because you don't trust Lupin, does not excuse you from being rude. And plus, it'll help you to get reacquainted with him. I know there was a time you've trusted him and used to talk to him, I want you to rekindle that relationship you had with Lupin from your third year."
Harry groaned at Severus' orders. "Fine, but I'm not talking about my cutting yet. Only the abuse I went through."
Well...that's something at least, Severus thought. Then he realized what Harry had done, causing him to smile.
"Why are you smiling?" Harry asked slowly.
"You've finally admitted that you were abused without me having to correct you or remind you that it was not a punishment."
Harry shrugged. "I've been realizing the difference between how the Dursleys raised me and how you take care of me…"
Suddenly, a large owl swooped in from the window, dropping a large envelope in front of Severus. He took the envelope into his hands and smiled again when he saw the official looking wax seal. He opened it carefully, shooing the bird away from Harry's food.
"What is it?" Harry asked.
Severus didn't answer, because his heart had swelled and he felt tears of happiness well up from behind his eyes. He was not used to allowing his emotions to show. Severus had never let anyone see him cry or smile. He was always hiding behind his mask, always acting the part as an emotionless possible Death Eater.
But when it came to Harry, his new son… Everything… Severus' role in the war, the reasons to always keep the mask on, it all just melted away.
The document in Severus' hands was a certificate of the official adoption, stating that now Severus Tobias Snape was the adoptive parent to Harry James Potter.
Overcome with shock, Severus stood up, carefully placing the document on the counter. It was official… Harry Potter was his son.
I have a son….
"Sev?"
Without thinking, Severus turned and enveloped Harry into a big hug.
"Hey, what's this for?" Harry laughed.
And it was the very fact that instead of flinching away or getting frightened, Harry accepted the hug. Showing that he was starting to tear down his wall and trust Severus as his father.
"Hey, Sev, really, what is this for?" Harry asked as he hugged Severus back.
"I'm just so happy that I've adopted you. I'm so happy that you're now my son. You're my kid, Harry! I love you very much, do you know that?"
"Yes, I do!" Harry laughed. "Was that…?"
Severus let go of him and knelt down to eye level. Harry, still sitting on the chair, stared back at him with his bright-green eyes…his mother's eyes. This time they didn't pierce Severus in the heart, instead those green eyes made him remember his best friend with happiness. And for the first time ever, Severus was able to truly enjoy a memory of Lily and not feel pain. He was starting to slowly move on.
"That was the official certificate stating that we're a family," Severus choked out in complete happiness.
Harry looked at him in shock. Severus desperately tried to read his emotions, afraid of the possibility of him acting negatively on the news, but to Severus' relief Harry smiled.
"So this is my home, now?"
Severus was at first taken aback by those words that sounded so shy and insecure, but full of hope. This teenager who was denied the one thing he'd ever wanted, a home, a family, a place to belong. And Severus was so glad that he was the one who was able to give those things to Harry.
"Kid," Severus said. "This has already been your home since you've first set foot in here...and it always will be."
Suddenly, Severus' arms were full of Harry, hugging him tightly.
Harry then pulled away. "And you won't leave, right?"
Severus' heart constricted so tightly. Harry was finally starting to trust him, and Severus had to lie to his face for this stupid war, for Albus and his bloody plans.
Carefully choosing his words, Severus replied, "No matter what I do or what happens in the future with this war going on, just know that I'll always love you. I'll always be there for you. Do not forget this, I promise to you, that nothing will change the fact that you're my son and I your father, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."
Review Responses! =D
Sakraprace: I hope Severus remembers to be nice, cus he really gave poor Neville hell in the books. And yeah I know I'm mean for having Harry interrupt their moment lol. Anyways I'm so glad you are still reading my story. Thank you so very much for all of your reviews. =)
PotterGirl19: really? I'm always torn between SiriusxRemus and SeverusxRemus… as you can see from my story I keep writing flashbacks of SiriusxRemus haha, anyways thank you for reviewing!
takingitinstride: thank you! And I hope you liked my new chapter!
Guest: lol I'm glad you liked that scene with Harry telling it to Severus... He does need to see that intimidation isn't a good way to teach, I'm glad you liked my chapter and thank you for reviewing!