Chapter Twenty-Five - A Dangerous Thought
Disclaimer: I do not own the Beatles song, Blackbird.
All week Severus was plagued by dreams of Remus Lupin. It was always the same dream of them sitting in the meadow together, with the Hogwarts castle outlined in the distance. Dreams of those golden eyes and a soft hand holding onto Severus' own. Severus wasn't even sure anymore if the dream came from his memory when Severus had to pull Lupin out of his wolf-state-of-mind, of Severus sitting with Lupin in the tall grass and watching the Marauders play on the hill as they discussed why Lupin shouldn't give up fighting. This dream took place at the same spot, yet it was different. And Severus had no idea where it came from or why he kept having it. He was sure his subconscious made it up.
And tonight, waking up in the darkness of his room with the only light shining from the half-moon outside his opened curtains, Severus had another dream of Remus Lupin. This time it wasn't the usual one.
In this new dream, Lupin was in his werewolf form, a large wolf with a grey pelt and amber eyes. And Severus was running after him through a snowy forest.
"Lupin! Wait!" Severus shouted in the dream. He had no idea why he was chasing after Lupin or why it was very important to catch up to him. Severus just had to get to Lupin, and no matter how fast he tried to run, the fluffy grey tail was always out of reach.
"Lupin!" Severus called out again.
This time Severus noticed his voice coming out in a bark. Shocked, Severus stopped running, almost tumbling over so he could look down at his feet. In place of where his feet should've been, were four black paws. Then suddenly the falling snow became thicker, turning into a storm, and Severus looked up and couldn't see Lupin anymore. And a long howl ripped through the air.
Then Severus woke up in a cold sweat, tangled in his bedsheets with thoughts of Lupin consuming him. Closing his eyes, Severus tried to shut his mind off. To think of nothing and go back to sleep, but the memory of the dream kept popping back into Severus' head, making his stomach feel as if it were doing somersaults. And laying there in the dark, with those golden eyes that wouldn't leave Severus alone, this feeling he suddenly had, it was almost as if Severus was starting to like Lupin….
Severus shook that last thought away. What's going on with me? I'm not infatuated with Lupin! With that, Severus turned over and buried himself deep into his bed, under the covers, trying so hard to fall back to sleep. But then Severus' lower back began to ache from laying in bed. His legs began to feel restless as if Severus needed to run like in his dream. And now Severus was thinking of the dream again. His mouth was suddenly parched, and he found himself wide awake more than ever. There was no chance Severus was going back to sleep tonight. Severus sighed out loudly in frustration as he climbed out of bed, untangling himself from his blanket and sheets.
Perhaps a walk was what Severus needed to get rid of his sudden restlessness. Before doing just that, Severus made his way to the kitchen with a lantern in one hand and placed it on the table. He poured himself a glass of water and leaned against the counter. As he sipped his drink in the dimmed, empty kitchen, Severus lost himself in thoughts of Lupin once more.
The bloody werewolf had been avoiding Severus all week. And Severus knew it shouldn't bother him, he wasn't supposed to care. Severus was supposed to be relieved that he didn't have to be subjugated to Lupin's unwanted presence. Yet, everytime Severus passed Lupin in the corridors, Severus would feel those blasted butterflies in his stomach, followed by a strong bout of nervousness that would cause Severus to lose all feeling in his legs and his hands to shake, forcing him to hide them in the pockets of his robes. And the thing that bothered Severus the most, was that Lupin never looked at him. As the days went by of Lupin's distant behavior, Severus found himself hoping just a little that Lupin would just for once glance at him, any form of acknowledgement would be nice. Then Severus would know that what almost happened between them that night was real.
But isn't Lupin doing exactly what I've wanted? To pretend nothing almost happened that night. To remain the old school enemies we've always been?
And no matter how Severus tried to forget that night, tried to close his mind off from the confusing dreams, tried to remain cold towards Lupin, Severus couldn't… He couldn't hate Lupin like he used to. Not when the memory of that night plagued Severus. He couldn't get Lupin out of his head, of the way had looked at Severus with his golden hair over those hazel-green eyes as he'd patched up Severus' wounded leg. The memory of that night was driving Severus mad. It was to the point where Severus couldn't sleep without having those dreams. He couldn't eat due to the nervous knots constantly in his stomach, and Severus couldn't concentrate on anything, even on his work.
Just a few afternoons ago, Severus was in his lab brewing a batch of Wolfsbane for the next full-moon. The fumes of the potion reminded Severus of Lupin, and how eventually they would have to speak to each other when Severus gave him a goblet full of this rancid potion. That thought then led to the burn scar on Lupin's chest, and the way Severus had his hand over it. He remembered the way he could feel Lupin's fast beating heart and how his scent suddenly enveloped Severus, chocolate and the herbs of the tea Lupin recently made. Severus felt his cheeks warm at the memory. It was stupid of him to lose control of himself like that. Severus had no idea what came over him that night, it wasn't like him at all to touch another person like that.
Did I make Lupin feel uncomfortable? But...weren't we flirting...just a bit?
Then for the millionth time, Severus thought back to that dream on the hill, and he wondered if Lupin remembered anything about Severus going through his memories. Severus wondered if he should've told him the truth that day in the courtyard, when Lupin had asked what Severus saw in his head… Perhaps, one day….
Lost in his thoughts, Severus had dropped in the wrong ingredient, causing the potion to turn an ugly and rancid smelling purple. It jerked Severus' mind back to what he was doing. Staring at the purple potion in confusion and shock, he threw a feather into the suddenly steaming cauldron. The feather instantly vaporized, the potion was poison now! And Severus cursed loudly in anger for letting himself get distracted while brewing, that was extremely dangerous, and Severus cursed again as he vanished the whole thing with an angry wave of his wand.
Unfortunately that day, Harry was there in the lab helping Severus by brewing a cauldron full of Pepper Up Potion for Madam Pomfrey's list.
Standing in his kitchen, Severus could still see in his mind...the quizzical look Harry had given him.
"You fancy someone! Go on, tell me who it is!" Harry had laughed.
Harry laughed again when Severus' face grew pale at the thought of fancying Lupin, causing him to glare at his son.
"I don't fancy anyone! Now concentrate on your potion before you mess it up again!" Severus snapped as he set up a new cauldron in place of the previous one, then went to his closet for more supplies.
"I won't, it's practically done," Harry said as he continued stirring.
Severus rolled his eyes as he came back out with what he needed to restart the Wolfsbane Potion. As Severus and Harry continued to work in silence, Severus couldn't believe he'd wasted a month's worth of ingredients for this blasted potion! For this blasted werewolf that won't get out of his head!
"Sev, just tell me who you were thinking about," Harry said once his Pepper Up Potion was completed and corked into vials.
"No, why are you even assuming I was thinking about someone?" Severus asked as he double checked the ingredients he was adding into his cauldron.
"You're really talented at what you do. I've never seen you mess up a potion, ever…"
"Everyone makes mistakes!" Severus snapped, not letting Harry finish.
"The only thing that could possibly make you mess up is if you were thinking about someone. And I saw your cheeks blushing before you botched up the Wolfsbane."
"That sounds ridiculous, I don't fancy anyone! Get that idea out of your head!"
"Come on, Sev, just tell me! I know you're not the emotionless robot you make yourself out to be. You're human, you do have feelings. My mom can't have been your only crush."
"What in bloody hell is a robot?"
"You don't know what that is? Didn't you grow up as a muggle? Wait, don't change the subject!"
Severus only shook his head as he stirred his potion counter-clockwise.
"Is it Madam Pomfrey?" Harry asked, sitting up on the counter near Severus, watching him work.
"Bloody hell! No!" Severus exclaimed as he continued stirring and adding more ingredients at the same time.
Harry laughed. "Okay fine, is it Professor Vector?"
"No!"
"The Ancient Runes Professor?"
"No."
"Okay, Professor Sprout? Trelawney? "
"Harry," Severus said in exasperation, continuing to stir until this time the potion changed to the right color.
"Okay…okay…"
And it was silent again.
"Severus?"
"Yes, son?" Severus muttered, trying to concentrate on brewing the Wolfsbane Potion.
"Were you thinking about Professor McGonagall?"
"Merlin, help me!" Severus snapped, slamming down his stirrer onto the counter. He then lowered the flames under his cauldron to a simmer.
"I'm sorry, I just had to ask!" Harry laughed. "I can't think of anyone else."
"Good," Severus muttered, cleaning up his own work station.
"Severus?"
"Harry…"
"Can I ask you something personal?"
Severus shot Harry a look. "Depends on the question," he said cautiously.
"I can't think of any more girls you may like, is it possible your crush is a boy?" Harry asked hesitantly.
Severus sighed, trying to keep his patience, wondering how he should answer this when he didn't know the answer himself. Yet, Severus wanted to remain truthful about his personal life as best as possible towards Harry, just to get him to open up to Severus more.
Severus stopped what he was doing, looking directly up at Harry who was still sitting on the counter. He looked just as uncomfortable as Severus was feeling. "Would you be okay if I liked men?" he shyly asked Harry.
"Well, yeah… I mean, Sirius and Remus were together and they'd seemed happy. That's all that matters, is it?" Harry answered.
"If I tell you something, would you drop the subject of this absurd theory of yours?"
Harry nodded.
"Okay, I don't fancy this person… I was thinking of someone. And it did cause me to mess up the potion."
"Yes! I bloody knew it!" Harry said, all uncomfortableness he was previously showing instantly vanished.
"Hey, language, kid! And I said, I'm not fancying them. I was just...thinking about them."
"Oh right, of course," Harry said sarcastically.
"Do you want me to continue or not?" Severus impatiently asked, his stomach suddenly nauseous at how Harry may react to what Severus was going to say next. Would Harry see him differently? Then Severus realized that was ridiculous, especially since Black and Lupin meant very much to Harry, and they were together, obviously gay, like Severus possibly might be… Am I gay?
"Yeah, sorry…" Harry replied quickly.
"Okay, like I've said I'm not fancying this person… I was just thinking of him… And it's a possibility I might be into men, but not that specific person I was thinking about…" And Severus stopped himself from continuing. He was starting to sound like he was stupidly rambling.
"You like other men? You're…"
"I don't know… I think I might be…" Severus said before Harry could finish his question, feeling more embarrassed than ever. He continued to wipe down his already clean workspace, straightening things up to avoid looking at Harry the whole time.
"You know I'm okay with that, right? I won't see you any differently. Like I've said about Remus and Sirius, all that matters is that you're happy."
"I…can we just drop the subject now?" Severus turned his back away from Harry so he wouldn't see how red Severus' face was.
"Fine," Harry laughed. "Just know you're still the same old Severus to me."
No matter how annoyed Severus was that day by Harry's pestering, he'll alway appreciate those rare and silly moments Harry had. Severus remembered how just this morning Harry had woken up in a rotten mood. Harry wouldn't eat his breakfast, and he wouldn't talk to Severus when he'd asked Harry what was wrong. The kid wouldn't make eye contact. He was closed up behind that brick wall of his.
Severus was so close to losing his patience before he'd finally got Harry to tell him what was going on. Harry had a nightmare of being back at the Dursleys. Severus had to reassure the moody teen that no matter what happened, Harry was never going back there.
And as a result of this morning, Severus realized these problems weren't just going to magically fade away. Severus was just going to have to keep reminding Harry over and over until he started to believe Severus that he wasn't going back to Privet Drive. That Harry wasn't a freak, and the abuse he'd received from the Dursleys were not punishments, and that Harry didn't deserve them.
Once Severus was done with his glass of water, he decided to check in on his sleeping son to make sure he wasn't having anymore nightmares tonight. Severus opened the door quietly, hoping it wouldn't squeak. The light from the lantern he was holding lit up a yellow path to Harry's bed, where Severus could see his sleeping form. Draco was right, Harry did snore….
Despite that difficult morning Harry had, Severus felt like there was a slight improvement to Harry's mental health. Harry no longer talked about wanting to die, Severus felt like his episodes on top of the waterfall and then mangling his own arm in the corridor with the rusted nail, made Harry realize that dying wasn't what he'd truly wanted. Harry did still scratch his arms, but it was only done subconsciously when he was upset or during his panic attacks. Severus did still keep Harry's self-harm in check by asking Harry every night and morning how he was feeling. Severus was also always on the lookout for signs of self-harm. It was just hard sometimes with Harry, he was so closed in, refusing to talk about his emotions. Severus knew that one day, that wall had to be taken down. But for now, he was just glad that Harry was no longer constantly looking around the room for a tool to cut himself with, hopefully that was a small sign of improvement.
.
.
Severus was now walking through the dark corridors of Hogwarts, lost in thought, not really paying attention to where his feet were leading him. Since he couldn't turn his mind off or calm his restless leg syndrome, Severus decided to just walk around the castle until he tired himself out.
The grief Harry suffered from the death of Black was still there, but it was less intense. Now that Lupin was back, Severus hoped Harry could take comfort in speaking to Lupin about his grief since they'd both loved and lost Black. That's why Severus pushed the dueling practice on them, hoping the forced time together would get Harry to warm up to Lupin again. And with the help of himself and Lupin, Severus knew Harry would be okay again one day. The only thing Severus truly feared was when once the war was over, once Severus succeeded his terrible task, he couldn't help but worry how their relationship might be affected. It scared Severus deeply, but he trusted Albus. He trusted Albus to get Harry through this alive, because that was all that mattered. So Severus was forced to let everything play out. And in the end, he just had to hope that Harry would understand.
Severus stopped walking abruptly, his mind jolted back to awareness. He suddenly found himself in front of a certain portrait door in the castle. And slightly astounded, Severus didn't know why his feet led him to this door out of all the others in the castle. And he wondered if the werewolf was asleep. Would he welcome Severus inside his quarters? Would Lupin even want to talk to him? Unsure what to do, Severus briefly put his hand on the door, perhaps he should just leave….
It was clear Lupin wouldn't want him here, remembering again how Lupin would avoid him or pretend he didn't see Severus as they passed in the corridors, always lost in an open book. Even during the beginning of the new term staff meeting, as everyone welcomed Lupin back to Hogwarts, Lupin wouldn't catch Severus' eye.
The one and only time Lupin made contact after they spoke in the corridor was only about taking over Harry's dueling lessons; and it was by owl. A message that only conveyed one sentence.
Harry,
The password for my quarters is Blackbird.
R.J. Lupin
Severus' heart had sunk so deep from disappointment. The note was for Harry. Not for him….
And as Severus stood outside Lupin's quarters with his heart beating fast and his hands shaking, he didn't know what to do. Why was he feeling this way? Why was his stomach always turning at the thought of Lupin rejecting him? This was what Severus wanted, wasn't it? To pretend that almost kiss never happened. Then for Merlin's sake, why was he constantly hoping for Lupin to acknowledge Severus, why was Severus suddenly needing proof of that night happening? Why did he have to know if they were almost going to kiss? These questions were dangerous, yet Severus couldn't shut them off. He couldn't ignore that night no matter how hard he tried. It was as if Lupin had enchanted Severus...ever since that night, Severus didn't feel like himself anymore. He never even realized he was into men, let alone one that had golden hair and hazel-green eyes.
And Severus shut those thoughts down. He kept repeating to himself: This is what I've wanted, I don't fucking care about Lupin! But no matter how many times Severus repeated his mantra to himself, honestly, he knew deep down in his very soul that Severus wasn't sure what he wanted anymore.
This is Remus Lupin for Merlin's sake! Severus weakly reminded himself. He should be hating the werewolf on the other side of this door. Severus needed to turn back now, completely denying the fact that his hate was slowly turning into infatuation. But Severus couldn't turn away. All these confusing thoughts were giving him a headache.
Severus took a deep breath, throwing caution to the wind as he whispered the password. He ignored all of his excuses, all of his reminders, all of his reasons to turn around and walk straight back down to the dungeons. The only thing that Severus kept thinking was that he couldn't live another week going crazy like this, of Lupin being distant, of not knowing what he felt about them almost kissing. Severus needed answers.
The door opened. Severus' heart was beating so fast, he feared he may have a heart attack as he stepped inside. The room was warm and dim, the only source of light was coming from the fireplace in the living room. And that was where he found the man responsible for Severus' sleepless night. The one who had somehow enchanted Severus… The one he was supposed to hate, but couldn't anymore… The one constantly in Severus' dreams.
Standing in front of the fireplace, Lupin was reading a piece of parchment in his hands, his shoulders shaking as if he were crying. Afraid to say anything, Severus placed his lantern on the coffee table and walked closer to Lupin until he was directly behind him.
Lupin suddenly turned around, his hazel-green eyes locked onto Severus' own dark eyes. The dancing flames in the fireplace was the only sound in the room, its flickering light creating moving shadows around them. Entranced, Severus wiped the tears off of Lupin's cheeks. Lupin stayed still, not taking his eyes off Severus. And everything around them seemed to pause… And there was that thing between them again….
"Why are you crying?" Severus asked in a low voice, trying his best to not show how nervous and awkward he felt. His hand was still caressing Lupin's cheek, his thumb wiping away the falling tears. There was so much pain and heartache in those eyes, Severus could feel them coming off from Lupin in suffocating waves.
After a few moments, Lupin tore his eyes away from Severus to look down at the parchment in his hands. "Sirius' will," he choked out.
Taking his hand off Lupin, Severus glanced down at the parchment, torn by curiosity to see and not wanting to appear nosey.
"He's left mostly everything to Harry, you'll have to tell him," the werewolf said, his eyes rereading the lines on the parchment.
"Did Black leave you anything?" Severus asked with his eyes back on the distraught man in front of him. Severus' mind was a complete blank, and his legs couldn't move anymore. His stomach was in knots. And yet, Severus' gaze was hungrily drinking in the sight of Lupin before him.
Why does he have this effect on me? Is Lupin feeling the same way?
"He left me his guitar and half of his fortune. The other half goes to Harry. Listen, Severus, Harry can have all of it. I don't want the money," Lupin said quickly.
"Absolutely not, Harry has enough to get by until he's way beyond his years after Hogwarts. It's you who needs it most right now, and besides, you know Harry won't take it," Severus said.
Lupin suddenly started crying harder.
Severus didn't know what to do. This was not what he had expected when he was trying to gather up his courage to enter Lupin's quarters. "Lupin…" Severus said softly, his voice filled with uncertainty if he should be here during such a private moment. Lupin only covered his face with his hands, his body shuddering as he sobbed.
"Hey… Hey… It's alright, Lupin…" And before Severus knew it, nor could he stop himself, he gently pulled Lupin close to him, wrapping his arms around him. Lupin let himself be held as he sobbed into Severus' shoulder for several moments until he pulled away.
"Forgive me, Severus," Lupin said as he wiped his face with his hand. "I knew Sirius left a will, I honestly don't know what came over me."
"He meant a lot to you…" Severus whispered.
Anger for the way Black just tossed Lupin out in the dirt went through Severus. That night before the rescue mission had set off for Harry and his friends, Severus had heard Lupin's ultimatum to Black. Lupin gave Black a choice and Black bloody chose the danger and adrenaline of dueling, rather than staying at Grimmauld Place to keep himself alive. Now, Severus was here to pick up the pieces for Harry...and maybe for...Lupin it seemed...
"The world," Lupin whispered, lost in some long ago moment of he and Black. He then blinked, pulling himself out of it, and looked at Severus, a sense of wistfulness was still in Lupin's eyes. "Forgive me for being rude, Severus, but what are you doing here?"
"You've been avoiding me," Severus said, deciding to cut to the chase.
"You've come to talk about that night?" Lupin whispered, a small smile ghosting his lips at the memory for one quick second before he caught himself. Lupin looked at Severus, his eyes hardened as they turned golden. "No…"
"We can't avoid it forever!" Severus snarled at Lupin's stubbornness.
"Severus, I can't… This isn't the right time!" Lupin protested as he turned his gaze towards the fireplace, the dancing flames reflecting in his golden eyes.
For a moment Severus glimpsed the shadow of the wolf that was visible on Lupin's face.
"Then when is the right time to discuss what almost happened? Are you really going to act like I don't exist for another week?"
"There's nothing to talk about! Nothing happened, and if you think something did, then it wasn't supposed to!"
"That sounds fucking ridiculus! Stop denying that we'd almost…"
"No, don't do this, Snape!" Lupin interrupted.
"Lupin, just talk to me!" Severus snapped, making sure to keep everything he was feeling out of his voice. His hurt, his desperation, and confusion to why this conversation was suddenly so important. What was happening to him?!
"I want you to leave!" Lupin snapped back at Severus. Suddenly, he turned around, not looking at Severus as he picked up Severus' lantern. Lupin then made his way over to the portrait door and threw it open, holding the lantern out for Severus to take and not saying anything else, only glaring at him.
Completely frustrated and disappointed, Severus knew he wasn't getting through to the stubborn werewolf, so he quickly made his departure, quickly snatching the lantern back from Lupin.
"I'll meet you and Harry at Grimmauld Place tomorrow morning," Lupin only said stiffly, before slamming the door shut in Severus' face.
.
.
Severus sulked the rest of the night, completely sure that Lupin hated him now. Severus was beyond humiliated from being rejected, it was clear Lupin was gaslighting him. Something did in fact almost happen, no matter what Lupin had said. With his thoughts replaying their argument over and over, Severus was only able to sleep an hour or two before dawn, then before he knew it, his alarm was going off. It was time to wake up Harry and meet the wolf.
And Severus didn't want to see Lupin today, but he forced himself out of bed and into the shower. Lost in his thoughts, replaying that night of the almost kiss over and over in his head with Lupin's voice saying nothing happened, of the dream that'd shaken Severus last night, and those golden-flecked eyes filled with tears and how it'd felt to have Lupin in his arms... Severus felt his heart racing as he let the hot water travel down his shoulders and back.
Severus was trying his hardest to not get so upset over the stupid wolf. He had to stop with this obsession. It wasn't good for him, it was distracting him. Severus should be thinking about more important things like figuring out the danger Harry was in, not wasting his time with confusing thoughts of a werewolf.
Once he was showered and dressed, Severus entered Harry's bedroom. The kid was still asleep. He really didn't have the heart to wake him, Harry was finally starting to sleep through most nights without being awoken by nightmares of Black's death, of his relatives and of the Dark Lord….
Severus gently nudged Harry's shoulder. The teen groaned in his sleep. "It's time you wake up, Harry," he said.
Harry turned over and opened his eyes.
"It's early, Sev..." Harry muttered as he stretched.
"I know… Get dressed and I'll explain everything as you eat breakfast."
Harry groaned again and covered his face with his blanket. Severus tried not to roll his eyes as he ruffled his son's hair. "I'm going to check up on you in ten minutes," Severus said.
"Mmkay," Harry mumbled as he rolled off his bed and onto the floor. Severus snorted at the teen's antics.
"Being so sleepy that your legs can't move, isn't going to work this time," Severus forced himself to say sternly as he left the room and closed the door.
.
.
Twenty minutes later, Harry was seated at the table with a plate of eggs and toast in front of him.
"So...why are we up so early?" Harry asked as Severus sat down across from him with a cup of coffee.
"Lupin's received Black's will," Severus said.
Harry put his fork down quietly, frowning. "I didn't think he'd left one… Why was it recovered so late?" he asked.
"What I recall, Professor Dumbledore mentioned that they had a hard time finding it. I'm assuming it was finally found and sent to Lupin."
"Who found it?" Harry asked, his breakfast now forgotten.
"I'm not really sure at the moment, only that Lupin just received it... He said you were left with the house, the house-elf and all his possessions, including half his fortune. The other half of the Black fortune, along with some muggle instrument, goes to Lupin."
"You talked to Remus last night?" Harry asked, smiling a little as he pushed his eggs around in his plate.
Severus shrugged as he sipped at his hot coffee. He needed something stronger to get him through the day. "I bumped into him," he said nonchalantly.
Harry smirked. "You bumped into him? Is he the one you've been thinking about lately?"
"Finish up your breakfast," Severus said quickly, glancing at the clock and finishing up his coffee. "We better get going, we're meeting the wolf at Grimmauld Place."
"I'm not sure if I want to go there…" Harry mumbled. "What are we going to do anyway? I don't want anything. And Remus can have my half of the fortune, I don't need it."
"Lupin, I believe, is going to pick up the instrument. And well, you have to decide what you're going to do with Black's possessions."
"I don't want any of it, Severus," Harry said again. "It's all just useless junk from his family. Sirius was chucking everything out last summer anyway."
"I thought you might say that," Severus said. "How about you just take some of his treasured possessions like photographs and such… Whatever you don't want, just leave it to me and Lupin."
Harry nodded. "Alright… I'm not really hungry anymore."
Severus sighed and stood up, taking Harry's full plate and placing it in the oven with a Stasis Spell. Normally he would make Harry eat at least half, but this time he decided to let the boy slide, knowing full well that Harry always had trouble eating when upset.
"Are you okay, Harry?" Severus asked, worried how the sudden appearance of Black's will might affect his newly adopted son.
Harry shrugged. "I haven't been there since..." he stopped abruptly.
"I know..." Severus said softly.
"What if I can't go in?" Harry asked with a worried look.
"I'll be there and so will Lupin. You're not alone in this," Severus promised.
Remus was early as he let himself into Grimmauld Place. He couldn't sleep at all last night after Severus left. The memory of last night flashed through his mind and he shook it away. Remus truly felt bad for sending Severus away, who had only come seeking for answers and Remus wouldn't give them to him. Guilt made him feel hot with embarrassment as he remembered the persistent look in Severus' black eyes, and the hurt in them as Remus pushed him away.
He deserves better… Not someone like me….
How could Remus give Severus a chance when the memory of Sirius still held him back?
The hallways in Grimmauld Place were empty and dark, dust was coating the furniture. No one had been in here since Sirius died, only Remus, until he'd left for his mission.
Remus slowly made his way up the stairs, the portraits were all staring at him and muttering profanities. Remus saw no sign of the house-elf and he did not care, the elf too had played a part in Sirius' death.
Once Remus reached the landing, he saw the door. The black door that had the silver plaque: Sirius Orion Black.
All the memories Remus had in this room with Sirius in the past year rushed through him.
The nights they had spent cuddling on the bed with Remus nestled into Sirius' arms as they talked about the first things they would do together when Sirius was finally free, and the bittersweet memories of their school days. Remus remembered with longing the kisses he and Sirius shared in this room, the love they'd shared… The first night they were alone here and how they had held each other, never letting go...
It was all overshadowed by the bad moments that happened here as well.
Remus remembered the days Sirius had spent drinking alone in this room, until he was so drunk that whatever he would say wouldn't make sense or he would go into fits of rage and start throwing things or he'd reveal the most hurtful things that he would never say when sober. And then Remus would spend all night taking care of him, making sure he didn't drown himself in his own vomit...
The fights they had in this room were the worst they ever had, showing them a side of each other they never thought they'd see. Then Sirius crying, begging Remus to forgive him… And Remus doing just that, never able to let him go….
Pain stabbed Remus in the heart as his last words to Sirius echoed in his head, "I'm distant because I don't love you! The Sirius I've loved, died fourteen years ago!"
Remus pushed open the door quietly, slowly at first. The room was cold and empty, but due to his werewolf senses, Remus could still smell Sirius' scent. It caused his heart to ache so badly, longing to see Sirius' face, to hear his voice one more time.
Remus walked around the room, examining the muggle trinkets on the shelves. Then softly touching the spines of the few books Sirius had on his bookshelves. Remus rolled his eyes at the muggle posters of girls.
Besides Sirius' bed were old moving photographs of the Marauders at school, forever charmed on the wall above the night table. Remus could see the carefree smiles on his face and on his friends. They were once his family. Remus had a place to belong, a boyfriend he'd loved so very much, and then everything was ripped away. Remus would have given anything to be young again, attending Hogwarts among his friends, untouched from the cruelty of war and loss and heartache... Everything seemed much more easier back then...because he wasn't alone...he had his pack.
After a few bittersweet moments of remembering his Hogwarts days, Remus tore his eyes away from the old photos. Next to the night table, leaning against the wall was Sirius' guitar. Remus picked it up and sat on the bed, fingering the strings and playing a few of the chords. It sounded horrible. Remus smiled at the memory when Sirius first played this guitar and how bad he'd sounded, until James' dad taught Sirius to play the summer he'd stayed with the Potters, after running away from Grimmauld Place.
James never had patience for learning to play guitar. They had all thought Sirius wouldn't either, he was always the most energetic of the group. Sirius had proved them all wrong. Remus had never seen him work so hard. Mr. Potter was proud, telling everyone that Sirius was a natural. And Sirius really was talented with music. He had loved it with so much passion and used his guitar to express the hurt and pain he'd felt from the rejection of his family, and the love he'd felt for Remus...
Remus closed his eyes, wishing he could just hear one more song from Sirius, to hear his deep voice. Sirius never once picked up the guitar when he came back from Azkaban, it was another part of him that was forever lost. Sirius' music always calmed Remus on the nights before the full-moon, it always took away his restlessness and anxiety. Even James and Peter had managed to sit and listen to a couple of Sirius' songs during their last two years of school. Sirius' songs were magic, and Remus couldn't understand why Sirius would leave this old thing to Remus. He could never even play half as good as Sirius used to.
It was because of Sirius that Remus knew how to play and sing a bit. Sirius had taught him during their seventh year. Remus tuned the guitar, playing the chords until he was able to find the right tune, wishing Sirius was sitting behind him, guiding him with his soft touches and voice. Maybe, it was due to holding this guitar again after so long or just being in this room surrounded by Sirius' scent and his things, but Remus could suddenly almost feel him, he could sense the spirit of Sirius in the room.
And it unlocked something in Remus' head… A memory…a feeling…that had been hidden deep in his mind. Something so important that'd finally resurfaced… The presence of Sirius when Remus was in that cellar, the memories he'd been forcibly pulled under when the torture became too much, when the sickness had ravaged his body… Sirius' voice had been in Remus' head, whispering to him to hold on… Sirius' spirit had been there with him… Remus was sure of it, there was no other explanation…no logical explanation that could convince him otherwise, even if it all sounded mad… Remus didn't care… And recalling the way he'd caught Sirius' scent when he'd just entered this room, it seemed perhaps…that Sirius was still around… And Remus felt his heart break with longing to have more than just catching his scent. He longed to see Sirius' face, just a glimpse… To just see those blue eyes… To even hear his voice again, just one word at least… Remus just wanted one moment with Sirius, just one more time to tell him how sorry he was for those terrible words he had thrown at Sirius before he'd died… Just one more time… Was that too much to ask? Just one more moment with him?
"Sometimes, I can still feel you around, Padfoot. I know you haven't left yet," Remus said, his voice cracking with grief and longing and heartbreak.
Remus sighed deeply with tears running down his cheeks. He couldn't help it. He'd felt so alone lately, so alone and in pain from the loss of Sirius. And the memories of his time with Greyback still haunted Remus at night, to the point where he was afraid to sleep. Nightmares that trapped Remus in darkness and pain, voices of his capturers whispered in his ears as they'd beat him and cursed him. And the haunted eyes of Kaylie were always watching him, eyes that should be full of light, but instead were red and angry. It was always going to be Remus' fault that she'd died.
So lost in his bittersweet memories and painful thoughts, Remus didn't realize that he was playing the guitar. Remus didn't even know what he was playing. Perhaps, something that he made up? But it sounded just as he felt, and the tears were now coming down fast. With a gasp, Remus dropped the guitar on his lap and covered his face in his hands.
"Stop crying," Remus said to himself.
Remus' breathing quickened. He tried to force himself to calm down. Remus was never one to cry, never one to give in to such weakness, always playing the strong one. Never lose control… But lately, Remus has been a mess, lately he hasn't had the strength to keep his emotions in check. He hadn't meant to cry last night over Sirius' will, it just happened, and then suddenly Severus was there holding him, and it felt so good to be held like that again. But Remus couldn't allow that… No, not when he still loved Sirius… Not when Remus felt himself falling back down to that dark place he once was in, just after Sirius died….
Number 12 Grimmauld Place was eerie and dark as Severus stepped inside the house. He made sure Harry stayed behind him, guiding them by the light of his wand. Severus still hadn't given Harry's wand back.
"Stay behind me," Severus said. This place is fucking creepy. I can't imagine growing up in a place like this, it's worse than Spinner's End. No wonder Black turned out unhinged.
"This place is creepy," Harry said, echoing Severus' thoughts.
Severus didn't say anything as he walked slowly down the hall, peering inside the rooms of the parlor, kitchen, sitting room, dining room, finding no sign of Lupin.
They then headed upstairs, the walls of the house creaking with every step they took.
"Do you think Remus is even here yet?" Harry whispered as they reached the landing where the bedrooms of Black and his brother were located.
"I don't know. If he is, he might be in Black's room. If not, then we'll wait for him in the kitchen," Severus answered.
Harry nodded as they walked silently to the mutt's bedroom. Severus opened the door to Remus Lupin sitting on the bed, covering his face and breathing heavily with a guitar on his lap.
"Remus?" Harry asked in concern, he stepped forward towards Lupin. Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder, holding him back.
Lupin looked up, eyes completely golden and bloodshot from crying. The wolf hesitated, and Severus knew he didn't want Harry to see him like that.
"Harry, why don't you give us a moment?" Severus quickly said, his eyes meeting Lupin's.
Harry seemed as if he wanted to protest, but another glance at how withdrawn and upset Lupin looked, Harry nodded. "I'll go look for Kreacher," he said.
"Be careful, son. Here take this." Severus handed Harry his wand.
"Sev, your wand?" Harry whispered, casting a bewildered look at Severus.
"I don't want you wandering the halls of Grimmauld Place unarmed. Who knows what vile creatures lurk about. Can I trust you not to harm yourself?"
Harry nodded. "You can trust me."
Severus nodded before Harry went downstairs in search of Kreacher. He then shut the door, and made his way to Lupin who was looking down at his guitar.
Severus sat down on the bed next to him, not really knowing what to say. Lupin didn't say a word as he pulled himself together, wiping the tears away from his face. Severus was really never good at this talking thing, especially since the awkwardness of last night was still heavy between them.
"Sirius loved this guitar," Lupin finally whispered as he strummed the chords.
"Why don't you play something?" Severus whispered back, curious to see what Lupin could do. He did in fact recall Black walking around with this guitar slung over his back during their 6th and 7th years.
Lupin shook his head. "I haven't played anything in years. Sirius never finished teaching me."
"Just play something simple," Severus said.
Lupin sighed and started strumming the guitar.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You've been only waiting for this moment to arise…"
Not daring to move, Severus watched Lupin as he sang. His voice was painfully raw and beautiful, full of heartache, grief and longing… And by the emotions Severus felt coming off Lupin, the emotions he heard in Lupin's voice… Severus knew Lupin wasn't okay… Lupin was drowning in his grief for Black, with the trauma of his captive time with Greyback and the death of Kaylie Porter. And sitting there besides the wolf, listening to that incredible voice Severus never knew Lupin had, Severus started to understand why Lupin pushed him out last night.
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night…"
And then Lupin was staring at Severus. His golden eyes now back to the beautiful hazel-green. Just like the forest, Severus thought.
Suddenly, Severus' hand was gently holding Lupin's chin, and they were closer. Severus stopped breathing. His senses were filled with the scent, sight and sound of the one person that Severus couldn't stop dreaming about.
Is this moment real? Severus thought. Or am I still in bed sleeping?
Entranced, Severus' hand then traveled into Lupin's hair. The golden strands felt so soft between his fingers. And Severus wondered what it would be like to kiss him… A dangerous thought….
"Blackbird fly
Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night…" Remus sang softly under his breath, his eyes traveling down from Severus' eyes to his lips.
Severus leant in, and to his surprise, Lupin's soft lips touched Severus' own. Lupin dropped his guitar onto his lap, placing his hand at the back of Severus' neck. And the air between them grew silent as they took each other in. Time slowed down. The world stopped spinning. The only thing Severus was aware of, was that his heart was beating so fast against his chest, he could practically hear it drumming in his ears.
Lupin pressed his lips harder against Severus'. The tip of his tongue just barely entered Severus' mouth as his hand reached into Severus' hair, pulling the dark locks gently. Severus moved his hand out of Lupin's hair and firmly gripped his cheek, kissing him back. Suddenly, there was this strange feeling inside Severus, something stirring in the pit of his stomach. It was longing...to pull Lupin closer to him. This feeling was so sudden, new and strong, causing Severus to feel afraid...to panic... And so, he forced himself to pull away, leaving them both with red lips, breathless and ruffled hair.
They stared at each other for a few moments, not really sure what just happened. Not sure what to say about this new thing between them. Severus just knew that it was there, it was real… That kiss meant something. And Severus couldn't deny the truth from himself anymore, he was infatuated with Remus Lupin.
Severus wanted to voice this to Lupin. It was at the tip of his tongue, but fear held him back. Fear of rejection, fear of letting someone in with the possibility of getting hurt… The fear of Albus' task was also in the back of Severus' mind, it always was… Maybe...Lupin was right to deny this thing between them last night. What if they decided to act on these sudden feelings? Only for Severus to hurt Lupin, like he'll have to hurt Harry….
The last time Severus had felt this way, full of fear, uncertainty and longing to be with someone, was with Lily. Severus could still remember the pain he'd felt after she'd chosen James Potter. The pain of seeing her happy with someone else, and the pain her death had given him. Severus still felt it sometimes. And he wondered if he gave his heart another chance, would everything turn out okay or would it end disastrous? Maybe...with Lupin...would it be different?
Severus shyly looked at Lupin, who seemed to be having his own battles in his mind. Lupin slowly stood up, holding on to the guitar.
"Whatever this is," Lupin muttered. "It cannot happen."
Severus stared back at him. "Why not?" he drawled, trying to remain nonchalant as if those words weren't stabbing him in the heart. Severus knew Lupin was being sensible, always so level-headed… They both had baggage… There was a war going on, the role Severus was forced to play in it. Those were enough excuses as to why they shouldn't act on their feelings towards each other.
Maybe, Severus would've been okay with Lupin turning him away based on those reasons….
Lupin shook his head, looking sadly at Severus. And it was in his eyes, in the whirl of emotions of guilt and grief, where Severus found his answer.
"You're still in love with Black," Severus said slowly, suddenly numb to his surroundings. His heart suddenly stopped for just a moment, and Severus began to feel anger rise up in him.
Lupin nodded slowly. "This wasn't supposed to happen, Severus. This is why I've tried to stay away from you. I can't be with you when I still love Sirius."
Fucking Sirius Black! Always making my bloody life fucking miserable. Even in death, he still fucking haunts me!
And as always, anger got the best of Severus. "Black is fucking dead!" he snapped out before he could stop himself.
Lupin flinched violently at those words, taking a step back. And Severus instantly wished he could take them back. Those words were horrible! Why did he say that?! Why was Severus always like his father at his worst?
"Get out!" Lupin shouted, his suddenly sharper canines flashing. His eyes had turned completely golden once more. For a second day in a row, Severus saw the wolf in Lupin's face, but it didn't scare Severus. He was too angry and humiliated to be scared.
Severus couldn't understand why Lupin still loved Black. Especially after everything that must've happened between them to cause such a terrible argument in front of the whole Order of the Phoenix on the night of Harry's rescue. Lupin had slapped Black in front of everyone. And the tension Severus felt in that room was strong. Severus remembered the continuation of the argument he'd accidentally overheard, and how unstable Black was since his return from Azkaban. Black hid it well, but Severus could always smell the alcohol, could see the madness and pain in Black's blue eyes. Based on all of that, Severus knew their relationship was deteriorating. During Order meetings, Black and Lupin would sit close together, sometimes so far apart, never looking nor speaking to each other. And the only reason Severus noticed all this was because he saw that Black was unhappy. To Severus at the time, it was the best thing in the world.
And now Severus felt bad for thinking that, only because Black meant a lot to Harry.
No… Screw Black!
Severus squashed his small moment of pity like a fucking bug, even if that small moment of pity was only in Harry's best interest. Just because Black meant a lot to Harry and Lupin, it didn't change the fact that Black was a terrible person! Black fucking chose to die over keeping himself safe. He fucking chose to leave them behind! Why couldn't Lupin see that? Why couldn't he remember the bad parts of Sirius Black? Why couldn't Lupin just let Black go?
Severus couldn't nor wouldn't ever understand the chaotic mess of Remus Lupin standing before him, holding on to that stupid guitar, and those fucking golden eyes, and those red lips Severus just kissed. And Severus realized he didn't care anymore. He was done acting like a fool over this fucking werewolf, whose heart apparently died along with Black. There was no getting through to him. It was clear that Lupin did not want to be with Severus. He was rejecting Severus because of that stupid mutt! Severus turned and left the room, stomping down the stairs. Severus expected Lupin to go after him, but there were no footsteps behind him. No one called his name.
This is why I don't get close to anyone! Why in Merlin did I think Lupin would be different? I'm a fucking idiot! I've lost Lily to Potter, and now I'm losing Lupin to Black! Bloody Marauders!
"Harry!" Severus shouted. His son appeared from the kitchen with Kreacher behind them.
"What happened, Sev? Where's Remus?"
Severus ignored the questions. He just had to go, he couldn't stay in this place any longer. "What are you going to do with that elf?" Severus snapped as he snatched his wand back from Harry.
"I don't want him," Harry said, shooting Severus a worried glance.
"Very well, he can work at Hogwarts. Order him to go to Dumbledore!" Severus snapped again, not noticing Harry flinch at his tone.
"Okay, um, Kreacher, go to Hogwarts and find Professor Dumbledore. Tell him I've ordered you to work in the kitchens."
Kreacher gave Harry a loathing look before Apparating to Hogwarts.
"Come, we're leaving!" Severus shouted.
Severus turned towards the door, his black robes billowing around his feet. He ignored Harry's questions of what happened, he was too angry and embarrassed to answer. He hated Lupin. The very sight of that wolf made his blood boil. And Severus was crazy to think that for a second, he might've been crushing on Lupin. Severus was a fool! A bloody fool for getting distracted where there were far more important matters at stake!
Review Responses:
This chapter is for Ashleaporterwashere. A very happy late birthday to you. I'm sorry I didn't get to post anything on that day. This chapter simply wasn't ready and I thought of writing a one shot for you but I couldn't think of anything haha. Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I hope you enjoyed your bday.
Aixx: Thanks for the push, haha, after I read your comment this morning at 7am, I forced myself out of bed to finish this. I hope you like it!
Ashleaporterwashere: I asked myself that same question, and my twin sister asked me too after I forced her to read chapters 23-24. And yes, I've decided that Severus is bisexual. So obsessed with Lily as a teen and always involved in the dark arts, he never had the chance to think about and figure out his sexuality. That is why he was so surprised and in denial of his feelings for Remus. Thanks for your compliments! And I hoped you enjoyed this chapter and my dedication! =)
DahliaCrow: I'm not sure what your review means lol
Makurayami Ookami:Thank you for all your reviews! =) I know poor Severus… if you noticed... he has developed a tea addiction due to his stress lol
Gypskl79: I know! =(
Schattenjagd: Thanks for your review on how Severus was able to help Harry right away. And thank you for letting me know about the grammar mistakes. It's weird, I never notice anything until after I post it or someone points it out. I'll look over my chapters and fix them. How do I find a beta?
Kendra Dhyanna: I know you think the genre should be angst, and I can see why. You have good reason to believe that, but I think I'm just going to stick with my genre of family/hurt and comfort. My story isn't going to be all angst. The characters are hurt right now, and lost, but they will learn in time that they aren't alone, they have each other, and maybe, perhaps they will have a happy ending. Thank you for telling me btw and I loved your review. =)
PotterGirl19: Thank you! I hoped you like this one as well! =)
Guest: I know! I want to cry too at my future chapters! And thanks for reviewing! Tell me your thoughts on the new one!
Sakraprace: Aw, I cried while writing the adoption scene lol. Yes I've noticed that they do dance around each other, Remus and Severus have so many issues and pain, and it's going to take a while before they both realize they need each other. Thanks for reviewing!