Already Home

by Chase'sGirl19

Harry takes the death of his Godfather very hard to the point where Petunia has no choice but to contact Dumbledore for help. Dumbledore sends Snape to check on Harry and finds that the boy is not only depressed but suicidal and abused. Meanwhile Remus Lupin goes missing from his mission for the Order. SeverusXRemus and HarryXGinny shippings Mentions of cutting, suicide, and abuse

30. Chapter 30 Until the Very End

Chapter Thirty – Until The Very End

Severus' sleep wasn't an easy one, because there was so much pain coursing through him from the Dark Mark on his forearm, making him toss and turn, keeping Severus from fully entering the blissful world of dreams, the comforting darkness of sleep.

Pain that burned his skin. Burned his flesh, his bones. So painfully hot, it boiled the blood in his veins.

And Severus could imagine the pain in the form of searing white hands, wrapping their spindly fingers around his lungs, his heart, his very soul… Until his chest felt tight, like he couldn't breathe properly. Until there was nothing but that pain… Nothing existed in that very moment as he tossed and turned… Nothing… But those white hands and the suffocating fire their touch brought to him.

And he should be used to pain….

After all, Severus grew up with it. Raised alongside with pain as if it were a sibling he'd never wanted. From the early years of his life, ever since that terrible day when Severus learned of his magical heritage from his mother's side, pain was the only thing he had received at the hands of his father. And those white-hot hands with their spindly long fingers, they somehow knew of the memories that hurt the most. The insecurities and self-hatred, the guilt from his past mistakes that had long ago been buried deep. Those hands knew where to look, and they reached down deep into Severus' soul. He could feel them pulling it all out, all of his burdens, to break him, to burn him, to blacken his heart and turn it to ash. To burn his very spirit, his soul, until there was nothing left, nothing left but a burnt-up corpse.

And just on the edge of sleep, Severus could see a young child with dark tangled hair, who had the physical signs of not being properly cared for. Wearing old clothes that were too big for him. Thin, malnourished, a haunted look visible in his black eyes.

And a father who was supposed to love that boy. Keep him safe. Teach him the world. Raise him with love, just as a father should… But the father only raised his boy with fear, hunger, violence and hate. Never accepting his son for the magical destiny that laid in store for him. Just darkness and pain… Always pain, a brother to that boy….

And the pain burned hotter. The hands tightened their hold on Severus.

Everything was dark. Everything was meaningless. Why fight it? It was hopeless. Why fight it when there might be peace on the other side? There's no reason to fight anymore… Just let the father beat the boy. Just let the mother die. Let her leave her little boy forever. Let the boy drown in the agony of it all. Let him go to the other side where pain couldn't follow. Just let him go… Let him go….

And then she was there… A green fire who pulled the boy out of his darkness, away from pain. That bright-green fire flickered in the depths of her green eyes, belonging to the girl with red hair. And when the boy imagined the color of her soul, of her aura, it would be that… Bright-green and beautiful. She was the fire that saved the boy, warming him with her touch, never letting go.

The girl with red hair showed the boy a world full of love and friendship. Showed him there was more than just the pain from the hand of his father. And in the end, the girl who brought him light and warmth and happiness, was destined to leave him forever. The most unbearable pain the boy would ever know.

Severus felt his heart trapped by the white spindly fingers… Felt it start to blacken at the memory of Lily's lifeless body on the floor of her destroyed cottage in Godric's Hollow. And the pain, so very raw and deep, a gaping wound in his soul that he feared would never recover. It was his fault she had died. The hands squeezed tighter… Severus couldn't breathe… He couldn't breathe… His heart was turning to ash… It was all his fault the bright-green fire had gone out.

If only he had listened to her….

If only he hadn't been so fascinated with the Dark Arts, foolish to believe Lucius Malfoy and his lies about a better world full of power a rising, new Dark Lord could bring them.

If only he hadn't been stupid enough to believe that nonsense, to want it… To choose that over her….

Then perhaps, things would've turned out differently, so differently… Their fallout perhaps could've been prevented. And instead of trusting Albus Dumbledore or begging the Dark Lord for Lily's safety as soon as the prophecy was revealed and she was targeted, maybe Severus could've gone to her instead of them, protected her himself, and maybe Lily's life would've been saved… Severus felt it in his soul, the guilt, the seriousness of what he had done… And he realized, there was no point in thinking about the what-if's that could've spared her… It was over now… She's been gone for fifteen years… Fifteen long years of guilt and pain, of a whole lot of nothingness, only the ashes of her diminished green flames.

Would she ever forgive Severus for being a coward? For choosing the dark side, turning away from the light, away from her? How could she ever forgive him? And that question burned inside Severus, hotter than the searing hands wrapped around his soul, his heart and lungs. Because of him, Lily's son was forced to grow up just like Severus had. With pain beside him like an unwanted brother, sitting beside him in the tiny dark cupboard under the stairs of Number 4, Privet Drive.

Lily was Severus' best friend, the most important and only person he'd ever cared about. She was indeed a bright-green fire that warmed his soul. The only person who had once seen him, knew the true person he was that no one else saw. And the pain she caused him when she gave up on him, turned away from him, ended their friendship… It should've been a wake-up call for Severus, to think about the path he was choosing. It was her death that finally saved him, made him finally see his wrongs, made Severus finally turn to the light, to find Albus Dumbledore. Lily saved Severus' life, and all he had done in return was lead death to her door.

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When Severus finally awoke from his restless sleep, the darkness, the hopelessness, the despair and guilt, the heartache for the loss of his best friend, it all followed him, clung onto him alongside the fiery pain pulsating from his Dark Mark, making his heart heavy and his mood dark. The pain relentlessly burned through him. He could barely move without making it worse, and he knew the only way to stop it was to answer the Dark Lord's call. Because if he didn't, the pain would only end up killing him. He had no choice but to obey, and Severus hated it. There was no way out of this meeting… No way out.

Black hair tickled Severus' chin, causing him to shift himself back as his mind began to fully awake and the pain intensified from his small movement. Harry was still fast asleep, unaware of the agony Severus was in. He gazed down at his sleeping son who didn't share the same blood as him, but that didn't matter. It didn't change how Severus felt for Harry. He would give up his life for him, just as he was enduring the pain for him. Severus would fight to his death to give his son the world… Something Severus' own father couldn't do for him.

Is this what it feels like to be a father? How it feels to love a son? Wanting to give everything?

And the promise Severus was forced to make to Albus echoed through his mind, along with the Dark Lord demanding Severus to bring Harry to him. Narcissa's Unbreakable Vow, forcing Severus to step in for Draco if his godson should fail. There was indeed no way out. That thought shattered the fatherly love that warmed Severus for just a few moments, paralyzing him, until his eyes were no longer seeing anything. So lost in his despair, Severus didn't notice the old wizard behind him, sitting in a squishy purple armchair with gold stars, waiting patiently for Severus to pull himself together.

Severus closed his eyes and started to mentally work on a plan. Creating false memories in his mind to trick the Dark Lord, to have a story ready to explain why Harry wasn't with him, because there was no way in hell he was taking Harry to the Dark Lord. No way was Severus ever betraying Harry like that, putting him in that kind of danger, no matter the consequences….

And when Severus was done… A plan set in motion… Everything was ready... The pain had gotten worse. He couldn't move, he couldn't get up….

Severus was so tired of feeling trapped between the two sides of the war. He just wanted all of it to end, not just for his own peace of mind, but for his son. Harry had a fate worse than his own, a child caught in this war. It wasn't even by choice. Harry never had the option. But according to Albus, the only way Severus could escape this, the only way Harry could be free of the prophecy, was if they both played their roles until the end. According to Albus, it was the only way to end the war. They didn't have a choice.

Severus felt himself falling apart at the idea of Albus' plan, and the fact that it had to happen. Severus was falling apart at the fact that it had to be him to kill Albus… And that betrayal, it would ultimately crush Harry. But if he didn't do it, then he would destroy everything that Albus has been working hard on towards a better future. A future where Harry didn't have to live in a world where the Dark Lord ruled… Severus couldn't allow that for his son.

A spasm of pain shot through him. Severus' heart was beating fast against the heat, the pressure around it and around his lungs. He had to go now… Severus had to resume his role as a Death Eater, the Dark Lord's most trusted servant… He had to accept his punishment… Beg the Dark Lord for his forgiveness… Swear that he could still be trusted… But Severus didn't want to leave Harry. What if he didn't come back?

Intense fear of losing his own life tonight consumed Severus. And it surprised him, throwing him off kilter. He'd never really cared too much for his life…until now..until Harry... When Lily had turned away from Severus all those years ago, then died because of him, Severus thought that was the worst pain he'd ever felt. Pain that'd broken him and changed him completely. He'll never again be the person he once was. And now as Severus laid there on that bed, his eyes on his son, he knew Albus was waiting there behind him. The pain Lily had left in Severus, it was nothing compared to this deep chasm of fear for his own life, the anger that he was being forced to leave his son's side, and the despair of how his own death may affect Harry. And even worse, if he survived tonight… What if he somehow died after killing Albus, before Harry could learn the truth. To die a traitor in Harry's eyes, that was what Severus feared the most, he realized.

I would die for you… But at the expense of you thinking I've betrayed you? I can't do that to you, kid… I can't hurt you like that….

And oh, how Severus just wanted to run, take Harry and go into hiding until the war was over, but he knew that was impossible. Peace was not for them at the moment, it won't come easily. They had to fight for it. And with a heavy heart, Severus realized, despite his fears, he was ready to start fighting for that peace, ready to get up and do his duty. To turn around and face that infuriating old wizard sitting in that ridiculous purple armchair.

And as if Albus knew what Severus was thinking, he said softly, "Severus…"

"Will it all be worth it in the end?" Severus asked, his voice sounding stronger than he'd expected. "All of these sacrifices, all of this pain… Will it all be worth it?"

Severus didn't turn around to face Albus yet. His eyes stayed on Harry, gently running a hand through messy dark locks. Harry shifted in his sleep, his breath coming out in a gentle snoring. And despite the darkness welling up in Severus, he couldn't help but smile. Draco was right, Harry does snore sometimes.

He slid his wand out from underneath his pillow and pointed it at Harry, uttering a silent Muffliato Spell, just in case Harry awoke in the middle of Severus' and Albus' conversation. The only thing Harry would hear would be a buzzing sound.

And watching Harry sleep, perhaps…maybe, it would be all worth it… If only to see Harry live at peace, to have a future free of darkness. A life without pain or fear… Even if Severus couldn't be in it… His heart broke at the thought.

"It'll be worth it, Severus. These sacrifices you're being forced to make… Giving up your relationship with Harry by having to kill me… By having everyone thinking you're a traitor… Putting your life in constant danger… I'm sorry, but it's the only way… And it will indeed be all worth it in the end, I promise you that…"

Albus' voice full of melancholy and regret flowed through Severus as he kept his eyes on Harry. Warm traitorous tears began to well up from behind his eyes, but Severus refused to let them go.

"Just remember, this is all for Harry and his generation, for his children and their children to live in a world free of Voldemort. We cannot lose this war, Severus. I really do apologize for putting so much on you. And I don't mean to be so hard on you, to make you into my martyr, but it's up to us to defeat him. We're the only ones who can do it, and if we fail, Severus, if we can't make these sacrifices, then our world and everything will be lost to darkness. You know that… You know we have to do it for the greater good, don't you? For that boy sleeping in your arms? Do it for Harry, don't give up on me now. You've given me your word."

Severus snorted at Albus' plea. One stray tear found its way out, trailing down his cheek. Severus furiously wiped it away. He wanted to reply back, Well, then, fuck you and the greater good! But then Albus was right. He was always right. How infuriating… The greater good was indeed Harry's future. Albus used the perfect blackmail. He knew Severus would have no choice but to fight for it. And if these sacrifices were to insure Harry's survival and to get him through the prophecy, then Severus had no other choice. He had to let himself become Albus' martyr. For the sake of his son. Albus Dumbledore was always fucking right!

But Severus wasn't going to just accept it without one last fight. Because why did it have to be him? Why did Albus fucking choose him? Why couldn't it be someone else? Why couldn't he have a choice in this? Why couldn't Harry?

"I understand what your saying, but what if don't agree to be your fucking martyr? Why can't you find someone else to make all these sacrifices for you? Find another boy who can be the chosen one for you. Have you ever thought about how much you're asking of me? How much you're taking? The effect this will have on Harry, how much pressure you put on him? You're taking what's left of his childhood by putting the weight of the prophecy on his shoulders. I've seen the strain it has on him. I see it when he thinks no one's around and lets down his wall. What if I don't want Harry to go through with this and I forbid him from being your chosen one. After all, I am his guardian now… I don't want to fight anymore, Albus, and I don't want Harry to fight anymore as well. And I don't care if that makes me sound like a bloody coward! I'm a fucking Slytherin, where did bravery ever get me?"

"I know… Severus… I know how much I'm asking of you and believe me I hate this as much as you do… You have every right to be upset, I'm taking away your right to choose to say no and turn away from me… But given the choice, I know you… You won't turn away from me and everything we've worked on. Not now, when the end of all this is just starting to show itself. You'll never stop fighting, no matter how much you hate it, no matter how much you deny being brave… And you know Harry can never escape the prophecy… It's written in his destiny…"

Severus finally willed himself to move. With Albus' words echoing in his head, he slowly, gently, turned on his back. Pain wracking his body with each movement. He then slowly sat up, careful to not jostle Harry awake. And when Severus was finally able to keep himself sitting, he slowly met Albus' calm blue gaze. How could he look so calm when Severus' emotions were tearing him up inside with what he had to do? Without a fucking choice. Because everything Albus was saying was indeed fucking right!

"You have many qualities in you, Severus, like all of us, good and bad, but I know selfishness isn't in you. I know as much as this is hurting you, you'll always end up choosing what is right, because you know that if you don't, you'll never be able to live with yourself. And if you don't, Harry won't stand a chance. This is all for him, and I know you'll give up everything for him… As a father should do for his son," Albus continued with a soft voice.

And Severus couldn't look away from Albus. He sighed with defeat… Always fucking right… His heart was beating heavily, full of dread and defeat.

"It's not too late to go to Voldemort. I know he's been calling you. You're in great pain, Severus. You must go."

If the Dark Lord decided to kill him off, then Severus would just have to fight like hell for his life, and if he failed tonight… Then maybe it'll be better than having to kill Albus and betray Harry. Maybe this would be his way out.

Because of the sympathetic look Albus passed to him, Severus knew his old mentor knew what he was thinking. Albus shook his head, his blue eyes so full of sadness, Severus had to avert his eyes away. How was it that he always knew what Severus was thinking? He was one of the greatest Occlumency masters in the wizarding world, and still, Albus always managed to see right through him.

"Before I go, let me tell you the events that happened last night…" Severus said. He's always fucking right, but just in case….

And Severus explained everything that happened during Harry's rescue. He described the fight he'd witnessed against Remus and Greyback in werewolf form, and how he had to reach into Remus' mind to stop him from killing Greyback. The way he had found Harry, beaten and chained to the wall and how Greyback had planned on biting Harry to make Remus break and choose the life as Greyback's beta. Albus had listened with a quiet and thoughtful look. Then at last, Severus moved onto the most important details.

"I believe I don't have to remind you of the Dark Lord's request the next time he calls for me?"

"He wanted you to bring Harry."

"If I go without him, you may have to change your plan. I may not come back or I may lose his trust."

"I'm confident Voldemort will not kill you. You're his most valuable Death Eater. If he kills you, he'll lose the only pair of eyes he has in this castle."

Severus scowled at Albus' unfailing confidence of his returning. Wasn't he concerned about the danger Severus would be in? Didn't he care? Didn't some small part of Albus worry for him just a little bit?

"Okay, since you're so convinced the Dark Lord won't end my life, then let me tell you about the meeting I had with Narcissa just hours ago!"

"Do go on if you must, Severus. I really don't want you wasting any more valuable time than necessary. You do know you could just tell me this after you return."

And Severus just wanted to punch the old man in the face, if that would wipe away those twinkling blue eyes that held so much more information about the war and the Dark Lord that Albus would never reveal. He knew more than he was letting on, why else would he be so unconcerned? What makes him so confident that the Dark Lord won't kill me tonight?

Narcissa's words suddenly rang in Severus' head... "He won't kill you yet… Especially since you may have one more final test to complete… I bounded you with the Unbreakable Vow… Murder Albus Dumbledore and prove your loyalty or the Dark Lord will be sure to kill you before the vow does!"

Could Narcissa be right? If Draco couldn't complete his task, then the Dark Lord was expecting Severus to take over and succeed… Could Albus be thinking of the same thing? Is that why he's acting so confident that Severus would return, even if bloody and tortured, but alive?

The thing saving my life tonight is the planned murder of Albus Dumbledore… How ironic… Severus almost wanted to laugh at how absurd and messed up this all was.

"Once I've made sure Lupin and Harry were taken care of in the hospital wing, I visited Narcissa and Draco. I talked to Draco first, he isn't doing well. I tried to offer my assistance to him, but he'd refused. He has it in that arrogant head of his that he needs to do the task or his parents will die, that there's no other choice, no offer of help could be accepted. What Draco doesn't understand is that no matter what he does, complete the task or fail it, his family will always be in danger from the Dark Lord. Narcissa and Lucius made their choices and now they have to bear the consequences, but there's still time for Draco to turn away from it all. I just wish he could fucking understand that! Or at least accept my offer of help."

"And all we can do is keep an eye on our young Draco, Severus. From what you're telling me, then I think it's best you keep an eye on him without his knowledge. You must do everything in your power so that he isn't the one to kill me. Draco can't be a murderer, that's not who he is."

Severus knew Albus was right. It was better that he ended up completing the task than Draco. Draco was too soft, too innocent, still a child in the middle of a war, just like Harry.

"I know, Albus… I'll not let my godson become his parents or even Bellatrix…"

"Draco's most like Andromeda Tonks, wouldn't you agree? Wanting to be loyal to his family, until they draw the line, pushing him away with their beliefs that don't fit him. Draco's certainly no way like his parents, he knows what they're doing is wrong. And I have faith that Draco's going to soon follow his heart and fight for what he believes in, even if that goes against his parents, just like what Andromeda went through… Be patient with him, Severus, he'll come to reason eventually."

"And the small chance of him actually succeeding… I know the guilt and horror of it might break him. I can't let that happen to Draco. It'll be a fate for him I would never wish for."

"Keep that in mind, Severus, that's why it's so important for you to watch him during the new school year… You spoke to Narcissa about Harry's abduction?"

Severus scowled at the thought of her. "She's probably spewing treacherous lies to the Dark Lord as we speak!" And Severus told Albus everything that he could recall of the conversation he'd shared with Narcissa. How the Dark Lord had begun to doubt Severus, and after threatening Narcissa's life, he made a bargain with her. To get into the castle and prove Severus' true intentions, she would be rewarded for her family's safety. How Narcissa, Greyback and the rat were all connected to the attack on Harry at the Burrow, the kidnapping. The rewards given to Greyback and Narcissa. He then reminded Albus about the Dark Lord's order during the last meeting, that treacherous meeting that had also been a test on Severus' loyalty, a test Severus had failed. And tonight, this punishment could possibly kill Severus, and so he told Albus about his plan he had ready when he showed up without Harry.

"Now do you understand more clearly the reason why the Dark Lord's calling me? Why I haven't answered his call? This meeting is for me to prove my loyalty. Prove my loyalty by bringing Harry. I warned you of this day… But you seemed to think this wasn't as important to work out, to let me go without Harry, because you knew there's no way I would ever possibly take my son to him… And when the Dark Lord see's that I've come alone…"

"Voldemort won't kill you. From what you've told me about Narcissa only proves my theory correct… He still needs you."

"So you're fine with him torturing me as long as he doesn't kill me? Then that's just fucking plesant, isn't it!? Don't you care about the pain I'll suffer?"

"Severus… You know I care about you. I'm not okay with you being hurt during those meetings… It's just something you have to bear… I'm sorry I wish it didn't have to be this way."

Hurt bloomed from Albus' words but Severus buried it away, refusing to let himself feel it. There was so much more he wanted to say then what was already brewing on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't. He was never really this open with Albus, hadn't been since he was young and filled with grief from his mother's death, and since the day of Lily's death, when Albus failed to protect her, a part of Severus had closed himself off from his mentor. He never allowed Albus to see more than just the loyal Potions Master. It was always about the war when they spoke, about the Dark Lord and the work Severus had to do… And for Severus to reveal how bothered, how hurt at the fact that Albus was willing to sacrifice Severus to be tortured for the sake of his plans, as long as he didn't die or lose his cover, it was okay for Albus… After everything Severus had done for him…

"To tell you the truth, Albus, if I hadn't come to know Harry, I would've gone to the Dark Lord without any hesitation. I would've gladly died for this war as a traitor for you, for your cause, but now… I find myself wanting to be careful… I can't die like that now… I can't risk my life like that anymore if it means leaving Harry behind thinking I've betrayed not only you but him as well. He's my son now, Albus… I have a son… Remember that the next time you're okay with me being tortured or close to being killed on one of your bloody tasks! Remember that on the night I fucking kill you!"

"Severus," Albus said with regret and just a hint of warning.

"I've promised you, I know… I promised you… But just know, it's taking everything in me... And the only reason why I'm not telling you and the Dark Lord to go fuck yourselves, and just take Harry and go into hiding until it's all over, is because I know how brilliant you are. I know because of you, we have a chance of winning this war, and because of you, my son may have a future… That's the only reason why…"

"Severus, I'm honored you have so much faith in me."

"Just promise me one thing, if I die tonight or any other night… If I don't come back from this meeting or even the next… Please, don't let Harry go back to the Dursleys. Just promise me that one thing, Albus."

Albus' expression on his face showed Severus how torn up he was inside to hear all of this coming from him. The exhaustion Albus always hid and the guilt from Severus' words, made Severus feel pity for making his mentor out to be a bad person, a monster, for forcing this war on Severus and Harry. When really, he was only trying to do what he could to get them through it. And the anger, the hurt in Severus, it washed away with understanding. It was indeed the only way to end the war. Their sacrifices, their destinies, it was all tied together. Albus Dumbledore was always right and they all had to play their roles if they wanted true peace, happiness, a world free of darkness. Albus was their best chance at leading Severus and Harry through it, making sure they didn't turn tail and run. And Severus didn't envy Albus' part in this war at all.

"I do hate myself for putting you through this, Severus." Albus' voice was somber, regretful.

A lump in Severus' throat formed.

"If I could change things, I would. If there was another way, I would take it in a heartbeat. I care about you and Harry, and the things you have to go through for this war… You and Harry deserve so much better than this."

And Severus couldn't stand to hear it anymore… Didn't want to.. And the pain was just getting too much to bear… No more wasting time… He had to go.

"Don't say anymore, Albus…" Severus muttered. "If anything happens, just take care of my son… That's all I ask in return…"

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"Severusss…" The Dark Lord's voice hissed dangerously from where he was sitting at the head of the long table in the dining hall of Malfoy Manor. Not a single lantern was on. The room was dark, full of flickering shadows. The only light in the room was coming from the flames cackling in the fireplace behind the Dark Lord. But not even the dancing flames seemed to give off any warmth, their dance seemed cold. Icy cold. Severus forced himself to not shiver from it, from his fear, as he strengthened his mental shields more securely and forced himself to walk ahead to those evil red eyes.

Severus didn't say a word. Even though he was being spoken to, he wasn't allowed to speak just yet. And when he was a few feet away from the Dark Lord, Severus stopped in his tracks.

"I almost thought you weren't coming… Almost thought they must've been right… I'm thrilled to see you've finally decided to grace us with your presence."

No one else sat at the table or perhaps even dared to. They all stood in the shadowy corners of the room, watching Severus from behind their Death Eater masks. He couldn't see who they were, but he could sense their fear, feel it even. It hung heavily in that dark, shadowy room. And not far from the Dark Lord, stood Bellatrix, her eyes gleaming with excitement to finally see Severus dethroned from being the Dark Lord's favorite servant. Besides her was Narcissa, wearing the same shimmering silver robes. The only color amongst the black robes of the Death Eaters and her sister's black dress.

She was standing in front of the large window. The light of the rising sun was peeking through the edges of the closed curtains, setting a few strands of where the sunbeams touched Narcissa's white-blonde hair aglow. Severus met her cold stare and the words of her betrayal echoed through them. And Severus had the sudden urge to just pull out his wand and spell open every curtain in the dining hall, only for some light, for some warmth. Severus was going to prove his innocence tonight, and when he did, the Dark Lord was going to turn his wrath back to her, then to the rat, to Bellatrix, and anyone else who had played a part in this. And Severus was going to walk away without looking back. She'll pay for what she has done, for what they all did, for putting Harry into danger, for putting Severus through all these unnecessary rumors and pain. For almost costing him his life.

Severus didn't hear the spell until it was too late. Pain worse than what he'd ever felt from his Dark Mark made him fall to his knees. It was the worst physical pain he'd ever felt. The Cruciatus Curse felt different this time, stronger. Nothing could compare to this new pain, pain that stabbed and burned him all at once, but also seeped inside his soul, tortured him mentally from within. It was worse than any mental pain Severus had endured, like his grief and guilt over Lily's death washing through him a thousand times over. And it was his memories of the one he had started doing this all for, the girl with the bright-green fire in her eyes, that kept Severus from losing himself, from losing his hold on his mental shields.

Severus' screams echoed in the hall as he writhed on the floor in agony. This pain couldn't even compare to the pain he'd felt inside at the thought of having to kill Albus, to betray Harry… Somehow the Dark Lord had mastered the curse fully, making the physical pain even greater, making the pain not just physical but mentally as well.

Severus held on as the Dark Lord continued to hit him over and over again with the terrible curse, holding on for everything that was dear to him. But it was too much, it was too strong. Darkness was taking over and there was only one thing he could think of that may save him. He had to escape the pain by hiding behind his shields. By hiding behind his most hidden and protected one. The shield that protected all of his true thoughts and emotions from the Dark Lord. The shield where his love for Harry burned bright and warm. Where his pain for Lily had settled into him, a familiar, heavy burden of grief. A constant reminder of why he was doing this. And where he kept the enchanting moon-lit glow of his curiosity and newly formed crush on Remus Lupin.

And it felt like years had passed when the pain finally stopped, leaving Severus panting on the floor after expelling the contents from his stomach. He brought himself out of his shields, mentally checking if everything was still holding strong. He dared not get up. He didn't dare look at the Dark Lord or peer into his red snake-like eyes.

"I've always had no reason to doubt your loyalty, Severus. My faithful servant who bears the most reason to be at my side. Dumbledore never appreciated the talent and power you possess, always favoring that little Gryffindor gang full of muggle-loving fools, werewolves and traitors…"

Jeers and echoes of disgust rippled through the masked crowd at the mention of such scum to them. The Dark Lord ignored his followers. He stood up from his seat and walked around Severus' shaking crumpled-up body on the cold marble floor. Smiling with evil satisfaction at the pile of vomit Severus had left.

"Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix never had anything to offer you, always mistrust, always an outcast among them. I gave you power. I made you strong. Only I alone believed in you, Severus. I gave you what Albus Dumbledore never could. I made you into my most loyal servant. And then I hear that you've betrayed me, rumors, whispers in the darkness and shadows among them." The Dark Lord nodded his head at the Death Eaters who stilled at his acknowledgement. "They tell me that you have fallen under that old fool's spell… That you've taken in Harry Potter, of which you've failed to tell me, and there was talk of you growing to care for that Gryffindor brat. You lied to me about Narcissa's location… So many lies, Severus… Is this all true? Convince me again that it is not. Show me your loyalty. Where is the boy, Severus? Where is Harry Potter? Are you truly not loyal to me?"

Severus didn't dare move. He stayed on his knees. His palms pressed down on the floor. The Dark Lord circled Severus as he spoke, his bare feet reflecting off the shine of the marble floor with his robes trailing behind him.

"The only thing I had asked of you to prove your loyalty to me was to bring me Harry Potter, and I've seen that you failed to do so… This tells me the rumors may be right… But I'll never know until I see for myself…" The Dark Lord hissed.

At those words, the Dark Lord knelt down and Severus looked up. Fixating his gaze on the Dark Lord's own. He could feel his body breaking into a cold sweat, the stench of his own fear and of his vomit permeated the air around him, and yet, Severus was ready to let his mind be invaded. The truth of Severus' loyalty and everything else was hidden safely away, protected by very strong mental shields, hidden, so the Dark Lord could never find and try to find out what was hiding behind them. And to keep him distracted, Severus had all of his false memories ready. False memories, Severus had carefully prepared that they look so real, legit, one hundred percent passable to being real. And the Dark Lord took the bait and believed every one of them.

Severus shook with relief as all the false memories flashed before him. Severus and Harry constantly arguing throughout the whole entire summer. Severus favoring Draco over Harry when the Slytherin had spent time with them. Flashes of false memories of Severus making Harry's life difficult with constant chores and lectures. How Severus had to work at acting upset that Harry had been kidnapped to keep up his cover to Albus and everyone in the Order. The lecture, the punishment Severus had planned for Harry once he awoke for disobeying him and managing to get kidnapped by a filthy werewolf. Then the Dark Lord found the most important memories of his confrontation with Narcissa, with the emotions to it altered to just anger and betrayal as Harry was put into danger by her and Greyback before Severus could get him to the Dark Lord. Then memories of tonight, why Severus was late and without Harry. Severus showed the Dark Lord how Severus tried to take a sleeping Harry with him from the hospital wing. How he'd sat at that boy's bedside, preparing a portkey, then Albus arrived to check on Harry, and Severus had no choice but to hide the portkey away and converse with Albus on the way to his office. The silence Albus ordered Severus under, to not reveal anything, and how Severus obeyed so he wouldn't lose his cover, so he could still spy for the Dark Lord. How he'd lost his chance to take Harry, and why he'd taken so long to arrive.

The Dark Lord finally left Severus' mind. He forced himself to not release a sigh of relief. The darkness was so heavy and when it lifted, it was like being warmed by the sun after months of darkness and the cold biting sting of winter. The Dark Lord reached out a pale hand and pulled the portkey out of the pocket of Severus' robes. Severus tried not to shudder with fear and disgust, with repulsion, his stomach turning at the close proximity. The portkey was an empty potion vile. It glinted in the shadows before the Dark Lord dropped it to the floor. The pieces of glass scattered onto the marble floor in front of Severus. A few errant pieces managed to leave tiny cuts in his face.

"I'm disappointed in you, Severus… You are way more cunning than that… How could you let Albus Dumbledore ruin such a simple plan? The boy was there, unconsciousss… Just an arm's reach, and you failed! Crucio!"

Severus shouted out from the painful curse. He tried not to, he tried not to show an inch of weakness, but the pain was so great and all he could do was writhe on the floor as everyone in the room began to laugh at him. All he could do was focus on his mental shields, keep them up. The only thing that kept him from breaking. The pain suddenly intensified. Severus was being hit from within, in his heart, his soul, his head, his very core. Keep up the shields… Keep them up!

It wasn't until Severus was almost at the point of unconsciousness did the Dark Lord finally stop.

Trembling and panting, Severus spat his blood on the floor, admiring the crimson red against smoothe white marble. The Dark Lord didn't say anything else, glaring down at Severus with his narrowed red eyes, gleaming with malice. The room was now deathly quiet, but Severus could still hear the echoes of them laughing at his pain. Bellatrix Lestrange, the loudest of them all. He'll show them… He'll show them that he was still strong, still loyal. That a curse couldn't break him. That he was more cunning than all of them, and so talented, most important than them. All of them… They were nothing but scum… All of the reasons why Severus had earned the title of the Dark Lord's most favorite and trusted servant. He dragged his abused body to a kneeling position at the Dark Lord's feet, knowing this was what the Dark Lord was waiting for, what he was expecting from Severus without having to tell him to do it. A final test for the night, one that Severus was smart enough to pass, saving his life, saving him from any more of the Dark Lord's wrath. And Severus hated how his voice sounded, hated how he must've looked, groveling at the Dark Lord's feet.

"Forgive me, my Lord, forgive me for my mistakes. For letting you believe that I've betrayed you, where I've been loyal all of this time. For allowing you to believe their rumors. For failing a simple task you have given me. Forgive me, My Dark Lord, forgive me…" And Severus kissed the hem of those dark robes, those bare feet. His stomach churning. Forcing himself to not think about what he was doing, the very skin his lips were touching.

"I see now that this was due to false accusations from those that are jealous of you…" The Dark Lord replied, watching Severus beg for his forgiveness. Severus only continued kissing his cold, cold skin. "I see now… I see your loyalty…"

Suddenly, shrieks were heard from the shadowy corners of the room. It was Narcissa, Bellatrix, and the rat. The sounds of their agony made Severus almost feel sorry for them…almost… But they had brought this on themselves for starting all of this trouble in the first place. Maybe this would teach them to not meddle in things they didn't understand.

"Keep your place at Dumbledore's side. Keep your cover with Potter, continue to torture him for the rest of the year with your hatred… I need your eyes at the castle. I have my plans with Draco Malfoy that must succeed… I'll need you there, Severus, just in case the Malfoy boy proves to be just like his father and fails me… And so tonight… I'll spare your life."

The Dark Lord sent a slicing charm at Severus' back. Severus grunted out from the pain, but didn't say anything more. He could feel the blood welling up from the cut, trickling down against his skin. Could feel the relief that he wasn't going to die tonight.

"Leave us, Severus. Return to your post…" The Dark Lord hissed dismissively.

Severus looked up in time to see the Dark Lord's eyes switch over to Narcissa. His voice was so cold, cruel and detached as he called her over to his side. Narcissa proudly stepped out of the shadows, her head held high as Severus shakily pulled himself to his feet. She brought this on herself, and now she would have to face the wrath of the Dark Lord alone. And as quickly as he could, Severus left the dining hall, not once looking back, and not feeling even a drop of pity for Narcissa, for any of them.

---

The first thing Harry saw when he awoke were white walls and large windows with flowing white curtains, so clean and bright that the sunlight filtering in and reflecting off them, blinded him. Harry squinted his eyes. He had no recollection on how he'd ended up here in this bed, in this white room. The last thing he remembered was Greyback with his snarling yellow fangs and his red eyes. His overpowering odor as he held Harry close against him with a blade to his throat. And the cellar, being chained to the wall with Greyback going on and on about his strange obsession with Remus before pain was all Harry could feel. And darkness began to take over, causing Harry to tremble and scratch at his arms.

And still blinded by the sun and missing his glasses, Harry began to panic. He had no idea where he was. His mind became clearer as he began to fully wake up, yet still confused. Was he still with Greyback? Harry tried again to remember the last thing that happened before passing out, tried to remember if he had somehow gotten out, but it was just a whirlwind of pain and confusion. And what was making things worse, was that the white walls, the smell of disinfectants and cleanliness, it all reminded Harry of Privet Drive; especially when Aunt Petunia was going through one of her cleaning rampages.

Harry wasn't back at the Dursleys, was he?

Fear clutched his heart at the thought. His stomach felt as if it leapt into his stomach, and he dug his nails deeper into his skin. Was it a possibility that Harry had indeed been rescued and Severus was so angry at him for disobeying all of his safety rules that he had given up on Harry and sent him back to the Dursleys? The idea was a bit bizarre, but Harry couldn't blame Severus if he had done just that. It was Harry's fault after all that Greyback had managed to get his claws on him. Harry had practically walked right into him in Knockturn Alley. He was so stupid to wander off, following Draco, knowing full well that someone was out to get him. He was lucky he was still alive, that Ron and Hermione were both able to get away. If they were hurt, Harry would never have forgiven himself.

A door suddenly opened and shut, causing Harry to flinch. He listened for the voices of his relatives, his body tensed, ready for the blow that was sure to come from Uncle Vernon, or his aunt's shriek at him to wake up and get started on cooking breakfast. But there were only footsteps, and a swish of long heavy robes. Harry stayed as still as possible, closing himself up behind his wall, closing his eyes tight, waiting… Fear washed over him and Harry hated how his relatives would always have this effect on him. He wished he could be strong and face them, instead of turning into a scared little kid.

The bed dipped down. Harry braced himself, his nails digging in deeper. The pain was soothing, keeping him from shouting out….

"Harry… Enough of that, kid…"

That voice was familiar. A hand gently pulled Harry's nails away from his skin. And even though that touch made him flinch, it was familiar. And the fear began to wash away. Harry opened his eyes, and found with relief that it wasn't his aunt or his uncle, but his…

"Dad!" Harry choked out, his body finally loosening from the tension. Severus handed him his glasses, and as soon as Harry put them on, his surroundings turned into the hospital wing, causing him to smile with relief.

"How are you feeling?" Severus' voice was low, calm. A bit broken even….

Harry sat up, leaning his back against the headboard of his bed. With a frown, he moved his gaze up to the professor's face, finding the courage to make eye contact for once. And in those dark eyes, Harry could see how Severus was in pain. He could see it in the way Severus was holding himself, see it in the way his face was so pale. Hear it in his voice. And it shocked Harry, because for Severus to allow his pain to be seen through his mask, it was rare…very rare… And Harry wondered what had happened to cause this slip-up while he was asleep.

Harry then felt the stiffness and foreign weight on his head and face. He reached up and felt the bandages. Prodding them a bit, he realized they didn't hurt much, as if his wounds underneath were almost done healing.

"I'm okay," Harry shrugged. "It doesn't hurt much…"

A heavy silence followed. It was so quiet, Severus was quite… Harry desperately wanted to know what had happened, but he was afraid to ask.

Severus cleared his throat, pulling himself out of whatever was going on inside him. "It'll take a few days for your injuries to heal completely as they are from a dark creature."

Harry's stomach dropped with fear and dread at the word dark creature. Was this why Severus was acting so strange? Greyback really did do a number on Harry. Would these injuries make him a werewolf? "Will I be a…?"

Severus shook his head. "Madam Pomfrey informed me that your scratches are healing well. And she's certain that you won't turn into a werewolf at the next full-moon. Greyback had to bite you or scratch you in his werewolf form, which he did not. Just be grateful that you weren't bitten, Harry, it could've been worse...much worse..."

Okay, so it's something else that's bothering him. If it isn't the fear of me possibly being a werewolf… Should I just ask him? And the questions were there, at the tip of his tongue… Why are you so upset? Why are you in pain? Where is Remus? Did something happen? What happened to Greyback? How did I end up here, safe in the hospital wing? But the uncertainty, the fear, the promise of a sure punishment to come, it stopped Harry. Was that the reason why Severus seemed so upset, because he had to punish him? And Harry knew his thoughts were ridiculous, and he was just causing himself to spiral. He knew Severus wasn't like his aunt and uncle, he knew he wouldn't be hurt like that, but Don't ask questions! still rang in his head. Why couldn't he just ask? Something was clearly bothering his dad… But could it really be that? Why am I such a bloody freak?

"Hey, are you still with me, kid?" Severus' low monotone pulled Harry out of his whirling thoughts.

Harry only nodded. He couldn't hold his eye contact anymore, couldn't bear to see the pain in Severus' eyes. He casted his gaze down onto his lap. Sitting behind his wall, the headboard against his back felt like the rough red bricks in his mind.

"Come on, look at me again. I'm right here," Severus lifted Harry's chin. And the pain that was seen in those dark depths, it was all hidden away again. Replaced with only concern.

Harry could imagine Severus knocking on his wall, a brick tumbling down. And Harry pulled himself out of it. There was nothing he should fear, no matter what type of punishment that awaited him. Nothing he should fear that might be causing Severus to be hurt. This was his dad, Harry reminded himself. His thoughts were crazy… Why can't I be normal? Why am I like this?

"Harry…"

"Is being normal for once too much to ask for?"

Severus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Normal is overrated."

"Am I going to be… pu…" Harry almost said punished. That was the word he really meant, but he forced himself to say lectured. "Am I going to be lectured for how reckless and stupid I've acted, and for my disregard for your rules that were meant to keep me safe?"

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "That can wait. I want you to rest."

Harry nodded, wishing he could just get his punishment over with. He never liked waiting for it. The wait always drove him crazy when he was stuck at Privet Drive.

But this is Severus… He promised he'll never hurt me like that….

There was a knock on the doors of the hospital wing.

"Enter!" Severus called out with annoyance for being interrupted.

Albus Dumbledore stepped in, wearing light-blue robes and a matching pointed hat. He made his way towards Harry and Severus with a somber yet cheerful expression. And when he reached the bed, Harry did not miss the look that transpired between the two professors, the relief that showed in Dumbledore's eyes as he patted Severus' shoulder in a fatherly manner.

The headmaster then turned to Harry. "I'm delighted to see you're finally awake, Harry. How are you feeling, my dear boy?"

Harry only shrugged in response.

Severus frowned at him and Harry knew Severus didn't like the way he was closing himself up from the headmaster. But to Harry's relief, before Severus could push him to talk, Dumbledore turned to Severus.

"Severus, you wouldn't mind if I speak to Harry alone?"

Severus glared at the headmaster, then nodded stiffly, showing his clear disapproval but he got up anyway.

"I'll be back to have dinner with you," Severus said to him, placing a brief hand on Harry's shoulder. "We'll talk more later." Then he walked away, his movements slow as if he were indeed in pain. And watching Severus walk away, Harry realized the pain he saw in his dad's eyes, it wasn't due to the inevitable punishment he had to give Harry, but due to the physical pain he was really feeling. Someone had hurt him. Was it Voldemort? Did Severus get called to him while Harry was asleep?

Once Severus had left, Dumbledore sat down on the chair beside Harry's hospital bed.

"Harry, I need to apologize to you," the headmaster began. Harry tore his eyes away from the closed hospital wing doors his dad had disappeared behind. He wanted him to come back.

Harry looked at Dumbledore, wondering what he was going on about.

"You don't need to, sir…" Harry felt his face going red.

"Indeed I do, for everything I've put you through. For not seeing what was really going on in that house… For letting it happen… I know you don't want to hear this, especially the last conversation we had about your godfather in June."

Harry kept his gaze on Dumbledore, remembering that last conversation they had in his office, when Harry had destroyed all of his possessions over his grief and anger over Sirius' death. He remembered how the headmaster had calmed Harry down enough so he could listen to his explanation of the blood wards, the prophecy, remembering the sadness and guilt in those blue eyes. And seeing it again now, seeing the way the guilt dimmed the usual light in those blue eyes, making Dumbledore appear so much older than he usually looked… Harry couldn't help but feel sympathy for him, enough sympathy to finally start forgiving him.

And it was hard because what Dumbledore had done was so messed up… It really broke Harry deep down, changed him, when he'd learned that Dumbledore had known that he wasn't happy living at Privet Drive, that Harry was being neglected and perhaps starved…abused… He knew, and still ordered Harry to return to that house every summer, all so the prophecy could play itself out and so the blood wards could keep him safe and alive for it.

But Harry would've died this summer if he'd stayed, died by his own blade against his skin or by the hands of his uncle if it weren't for Severus.

And thinking of all of that, Harry kept his gaze on the headmaster, really considering the idea of forgiving him still. Harry was finally letting himself see that Dumbledore had only done it to protect him from more dangerous forces than the brutal hands of Uncle Vernon. The blood wards were the only way to keep Harry safe from Voldemort's followers.

Dumbledore only had the best intentions… Harry could see that now. And he realized he had to squash down the anger, the ill-feelings of what that protection, those best intentions, had cost him. He had to start trusting Dumbledore as best as he could now, especially since he was sitting here apologizing to Harry yet again, about to reveal something important for the next school year, maybe about the upcoming war….

"Professor, we can't erase what happened or our mistakes…" Harry said. "I was angry at you for so many things, for sending me to the Dursleys, for Sirius dying… And I don't want to be angry with you anymore. I understand what you're trying to do. I'm your best chance to win this war, and I can't fault you for trying to prepare me for it and trying to keep me safe… So, it's okay… There's no need to apologize anymore. I'm okay now, and well because of you, I have Severus watching out for me now."

Dumbledore only looked more sad at those words, at the fact that Harry was accepting his fate. "Everything I've done was indeed with the best intentions, Harry, and to make it all up to you, I'm going to prepare you even more. No more tests or wrong decisions on my part. I'm going to be giving you lessons during the school year, lessons where I'll be passing to you valuable information about Voldemort, of this war. Lessons that may help us win."

Harry gaped with surprise at the mention of the secret lessons. Suppressed excitement and curiosity flowing through him. A thousand questions were racing through his mind, wondering what kind of information on Voldemort would be shared.

Dumbledore's guilt and sadness suddenly faded away and turned into a matter of importance and seriousness. "Now, Harry, I want you to understand that this information must remain between you and me. Do you understand? Tell no one else."

"What about Ron and Hermione?" Harry asked. "Or Severus?"

"You can tell your friends. I won't deny their help from you. You three make a very strong team, I can't ignore that. Just be sure to tell them the importance of keeping this a secret. I trust you, Harry, and for that I trust your friends. Now as for Severus, Harry, I must disappoint you once more..."

Harry's heart sank at those words. "Is it because he's too close with Voldemort?"

Dumbledore nodded. "In time, Severus will learn everything he needs to know, but for now, it's best you keep this from him. Now, he's not completely in the dark. He knows about the lessons taking place, but doesn't know what they are for or what I'm teaching you."

Harry nodded in return, feeling bad that he had to keep this from his dad, but at least Severus knew Harry had no choice. That thought made him feel a bit less guilty.

Dumbledore patted Harry's shoulder as he stood up, not acknowledging the way Harry tensed at his touch. "Get some rest, Harry. You had quite an ordeal."

"Sir, how did I end up here?"

"Oh, you have to ask your dad about what happened. It's quite a tale. You'll have to thank him and Remus for getting you out of that cellar."

"Remus?"

"He's asleep right now. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will let you visit once he awakes. You're very lucky, Harry, to have two fathers to fight for you…"

"Fathers?"

But Dumbledore didn't say anything else and he was gone before Harry could ask anymore questions.

Harry's mind whirled with his thoughts of his upcoming lessons, with the strange parting words of Dumbledore. The lessons made the war seem closer to Harry now, looming over him like a heavy rain cloud. But this time, the prophecy didn't scare him. If anything he felt ready to face it, stronger. He could feel it in his soul… And it surprised him to feel that way… It was so much different during the early months of the summer….

And that thought led Harry to remembering one of his darkest moments, laying on the floor in the hallway of Privet Drive after being strangled by Uncle Vernon. The tears Harry cried, the feelings of pain and hopelessness, of feeling so alone it began to break him… And the death of Sirius was so fresh and raw. The fear of the prophecy hanging over him, consuming his every waking moment, and the nightmares… Losing himself in his own darkness… And then Severus was there, a light in the darkness, and against all of Harry's restraints, Severus pulled Harry out of it, back to the light… And Remus, the way he'd fought for Harry's forgiveness, and the way he fought to save Harry, going against Greyback one more time, his tormentor, for Harry's life… Thinking of them… Harry began to understand a bit of what Dumbledore meant… Two fathers to fight for you…

Maybe they were worth the risk for Harry to consider tearing down his fracturing wall for them, to consider letting them in, to start trusting them. Because when Harry thought of Remus and Severus, he felt it… A feeling so foreign to him. A feeling he had always wondered about when he thought about the Weasleys and their big family, the feeling of what it's like to not be alone in the world, to be part of a family who would protect you and love you no matter what, despite of everything, of being a freak or a werewolf or an ex Death Eater.

And because of them, Harry knew he wasn't going to be left alone to defeat Voldemort. When the prophecy began to unravel itself, they would stand behind him… Fight for him, until the very end…. And he realized Severus and Remus were the reasons why he was no longer afraid.