Summary: Astoria found him broken and hurting. He found undeserving of her attention. Sometimes forgiveness has to come from another to learn you can be free.

Warning Tag: Self-directed hatred, self-loathing, guilt.

Deserves to be Loved

Astoria first became aware of him again during the rebuilding of Hogwarts, but this time she wasn't wary of him, instead, she felt pity. He was sitting on the floor with his back and head pressed against the wall, wand still in hand as his arms hugged his knees. At first glance it seemed like he was asleep, exhaustion overtaking him.

She knew he wasn't there by choice like her and her family was, and even from where she stood near the base of the Astronomy Tower, she could see the hidden troubles etched on his otherwise stoic face. Her father always told her she was skilled at reading people even when they didn't want to be read, this was one of those times when this skill unintentionally came into practice. She approached him slowly, not wishing to startle him, but paused when he released a quiet, stuttered breath. He'd been crying.

Speaking was not an option here, so Astoria did what her instincts told her to do and sat down beside him, taking his free hand in hers, she held it in silence. He barely responded to this gesture of her presence beside him. He didn't even open his eyes, he simply accepted Astoria being there without a word.

The second time Astoria encountered him was at his belated coming of age party. She was surprised that her family had accepted the Malfoys invitation to begin with despite the lack of any established relationship—professional or personal. She concluded that it was the polite thing to do, but no matter how hard her parents tried to hide it, Astoria knew the root reason was that Mrs. Malfoy had taken the reins in organizing several government-based charities and fundraisers in the name of the magical community. This meant the presence of prominent Ministry officials was not only a courtesy, it was also essentially required to appease such generous promises needed to restabilize their world. Regardless of who was in charge, money always talked, no matter who it came from in the end so long as the financing was utilized effectively and efficiently.

She noticed that flash of pristine blond hair slipping through the ballroom doors shortly after the necessary speeches were finished and everyone started to mingle. Astoria took the liberty to excuse herself for the powder room and promptly followed, somehow feeling that a similar situation in the castle merely weeks ago would happen again.

He stood out on a balcony that looked out to the back gardens. The bustle of the party was barely noticeable despite it being held directly below. Astoria found the way the full moonlight glistened in his hair but otherwise cast a shadow over his figure majestic but mysterious, just like she saw him as.

"My mother always used to say that if you're seeking the heavens for answers you'll be searching for a long time if you don't know what you're looking for."

She spoke softly as she approached him. He turned sharply to face her, startled but not appearing to be annoyed despite not being prepared for company.

"Venus is quite prominent tonight, challenging the moon's glow with its own. Quiet beautiful," she said, keeping her attention to the sky.

"You are the last person I thought who would seek me out," Draco said, watching her lean against the railing to observe the scenery above them. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were stalking me."

"Not stalking," she said, looking over at him with soft hazel eyes. "I just know when someone shouldn't be alone when they are in distress."

He let out a scoff, quickly concealing it with a cough following with clearing of his throat. Draco averted his gaze back to the gardens with no reply.

"Did you know what you were looking for?" Astoria prompted, not wishing to make him uncomfortable.

Draco glanced at her briefly before looking up at the speckled sky, shrugging. "Wanted to get out of the crowd, I suppose. To be alone."

"I see." She didn't like being right again. "I hope my presence doesn't bother you. I get overwhelmed with parties centered around me, too. Too much energy for my tastes."

This time Draco didn't hide the scoff or the annoyance in the tone of his voice.

"In all honesty, I don't really care about the party," he said, tapping a finger on the stone rail. "Half the people here don't give a damn about me."

"I'm sure that isn't true."

He looked back at her, eyes sharp with a hidden warning. "I do not deserve to be celebrated by people who claim to love and care about me. Not after what I have done."

Astoria didn't hide the surprise on her face. He didn't hide the guilt in his eyes even as she reached for his hand that rested on the balcony rail.

"Everyone deserves to be celebrated," she half-whispered. "Just like everyone deserves to be loved."

Draco pulled away from her grasp, turning his back to her, his voice wavering, "Don't."

"But it's true."

He went quiet. She watched as his posture slacked some and his head began to hang as if he was on the verge of tears. After several seconds of silence, Astoria took a step toward him before he jerked forward again.

"I should be getting back before my absence is noticed."

He walked away without another word.

The third time she encountered him was the day before she would return to school. Her family forgone returning Astoria to Hogwarts and instead set the appropriate arrangements in motion for her to finish her final year at Beauxbâtons. It was where she originally wanted to attend anyway, so her appreciation for the transfer would not go unnoticed. She accompanied her parents to the Ministry that morning to finalize the paperwork and pick up her Portkey from the International Magical Cooperation French liaison.

She nearly bypassed him in the waiting room, but she would've never missed that shock of almost white-blond hair.

"Fancy seeing you here," she said, smiling.

Draco looked up from fidgeting with his briefcase.

"Astoria?" he stammered, glimpsing her father retreating from behind her. "Everything alright?"

She looked around, noticing her father's sudden departure without a word and turned back to him. "It's fine. He's busy and has already taken time away to help me get situated."

He raised a brow at this. "Situated with what?"

"School. I'm going to Beauxbâtons for my final year."

"Oh. Best of luck to you there."

"Merci."

He tapped at his briefcase, allowing the silence to settle. Astoria didn't like the nervous atmosphere that it emitted. It had been a little while since their last encounter at the Manor.

"You are looking quite sharp. Here on business?"

"If you want to call it that…" he muttered, recoiling some. "I'm waiting on an appointment."

"Ah," she said, not wanting to pry. "Well, if you are interested, I was planning on having lunch at the Cauldron. You're more than welcome to join me after your appointment."

Draco blinked a couple of times, processing what she had said. A ghost of that signature smirk etched the corner of his mouth. "I'll keep you in mind."

Astoria was only somewhat surprised to see him entering The Leaky Cauldron about a half-hour later. She had just arrived a few minutes prior and waited at a booth for her butterbeer when he hesitantly slid into the seat across from her.

Her smile lit up her face. "You came."

"It seems so."

His tone was distant, guarded almost. Like he had second thoughts coming. The discreet scan of the ground floor had him shift in discomfort when she noticed a witch glaring their way as she walked by. She stood up and took his hand, leaving a sickle behind for the trouble before quietly guiding him for the exit.

"Let's find a more private place."

They exited quickly and she looked around the busy muggle streets paved around them before picking a direction and leading him forward.

"Where are we going?" Draco asked, starting to slightly resist her guidance.

"You'll see."

She took them to a muggle pub on a corner not too far from the Cauldron where she settled into a booth with a window near the back. Draco was less accepting of his new surroundings, but he also knew no one would pay them any mind because they were nobodies here.

"Better?"

He didn't reply aside from a weak half-shrug. Astoria already knew that the tension he held in his shoulders was more relaxed than it had been. She hoped that it would ease up more once he got comfortable.

"The food here is great," she said, pushing the menu to him.

As she hoped, Draco grew more at ease with the new environment as they ordered and ate. The conversation was simple but she was still careful with what was talked about. The subject shifted into Astronomy when dessert was served and quickly devoured between them.

"I have another good place we can venture to if you like? It is a lovely stroll, and it has a nice view of the river," Astoria explained, eager to continue helping him ease the burden self-placed on his conscience.

He didn't hesitate this time to accept the invitation and followed her through the streets until the river came into view. They weaved through a small garden where she found a bench facing the water. The evening air settled around them with a comforting silence. It was difficult to see the first stars awaken above due to the city lights, so Astoria settled on watching the streetlights dance off rippling waters instead.

"You know," Draco started to say, leaning forward some to rest his forearms on his knees, "every time I run into you my mind goes completely blank. I briefly forget what I was doing or thinking about, and something tells me that you are doing it on purpose. Deliberately running into me and all."

She let out a soft hum, turning her attention to him. He was looking at the ground, hands clasped together with his chin resting on his knuckles. "I can't explain why you cause it, or how I even feel about it."

"It isn't really deliberate but rather a coincidence," she countered. "You looked like you needed someone. Someone who doesn't ask questions. Someone who doesn't pass judgment. Perhaps your subconscious knows this and finds comfort in my presence enough to temporarily shut off, to stop worrying for a moment and offer some relief."

He shook his head slowly, closing his eyes for a moment before looking at her. "You have no idea what you are getting yourself into, Astoria. You have no reason to interact with me at all. And up until—" he swallowed, "—that first encounter, you didn't even bother."

"That may be so, but that was before. What matters now is the time we're living in and what we can do with it," she reasoned.

"And yet here we are," Draco hissed, "sitting in a garden in muggle London. Why?"

Despite her minor irritability at his deflection, she attempted to taper it off.

Taking a deep breath, she gathered her thoughts. "When I came across you… at that place, I saw someone who was broken and crushed. Regardless of what I thought of you then or before, I knew it was right for me to stay. Even now you seem to bear the weight of the world on your shoulders because of something that was ultimately out of your control, but you still feel obligated to comply with your guilt and take this self-punishment in silence while still holding the burden of your family's name on top of it all."

Astoria knew he was going to flee at this point. She crossed into unstable waters, and he was not comfortable with it. He looked at her intently, and she never thought a single person could harbor so much anguish behind their eyes.

"Do you remember what I told you on the balcony that night?" she asked, moving a little bit closer to him in order to take his hand. It was always the left. "That everyone deserves to be celebrated? To be loved?"

"Please, don't," Draco warned but didn't pull away. "You shouldn't. You can't."

"Why can't you believe that?"

"Because monsters don't deserve to be loved."

He apparated into the wind, leaving her behind.

She didn't see him again until winter when she attended the Minister's Celestial Charity Ball. The sophisticated party was lovely and for a good cause, she knew, but it quickly grew dull exchanging empty pleasantries with people she barely knew or really cared about. Her and Daphne were only there to support their parents who were both a high ranked Unspeakable and Healer respectively, and for them, that meant a great deal. Family support was integral for the Greengrass'.

Draco was combining the outskirts of the large room, seeming far more interested in what the bar had to offer than anything else going on around him. She approached him like she had done the last few times now—gracefully.

"May I have this dance?"

He turned around and met her gaze. She pulled a curled honey-brown tendril off her face and behind her ear before offering her hand.

"This is one of my favorite songs."

There was no resistance in his movements, but the troubled look behind his eyes hadn't changed. He accepted her hand and led her to the dance floor without a word. They got into position and quickly settled into the music.

"Still pursuing me, I see," he quietly said, "I don't really understand why, though."

"Does there need to be a reason?"

As she expected, he didn't reply. Instead, they continued to dance in silence. The soft music barely existed in Astoria's mind. When the song melted into a slower one, the pair didn't retreat to the sidelines but rather adjusted their pace to match it. He instinctively pulled her a little closer, and she risked resting her cheek on his chest. His heart was racing, which was almost startling based on how calm and composed he appeared.

"You're still hurting," Astoria whispered. "How can one person harbor so much hatred for themselves?"

He stilled at the question, but quickly swayed back into the music, not saying a word.

"Why won't you let me in?"

Silence. She wasn't prepared for it to sting so much. It almost stung more than knowing he was hurting but yet he continued to keep her at arm's length because he thought he deserved it.

"You don't remember?"

Astoria looked up to meet his eyes. She became very aware of how close they were, closer than they had ever been before.

"I told you to not fall in love with me."

"Did you?" she asked, tilting her chin up slightly. "What about you?"

"Don't," he whispered but didn't pull away.

"Too late."

The kiss was gentle, quick, soft. She felt a single tear connect with the corner of his lip. Draco pulled back, attempting to control his glassy grey eyes as they looked into hers.

"I don't deserve you."

"Sometimes forgiveness doesn't start from within, but from others," Astoria whispered, cupping his cheek and wiping the tear trail away with her thumb. "Let me help you find that forgiveness, to help you heal. You deserve to be loved."

Originally written for:

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)

Monthly Challenges for All

Word Count: 2,571