Chapter 14

It had been three weeks since the incident and Steve had been discharged as planned.
Ever since then he was stuck in a no progress phase once more. Not because he was hesitant or afraid something would happen again it just didn't work.
That's why his therapist changed the therapy plan.
When he suggested to change three of the house calls into water therapy at the hospital Steve agreed without thinking about it twice.
Since he couldn't drive just yet, he needed a cab to go there and Danny to bring him home.

"How was it?" Danny asked picking his friend up.
"I don't know," Steve answered sitting down with a sigh.
"What do you mean, you don't know? Your hair is still wet, so it wasn't cancelled. I mean you were there, right?"
"I was. It's just that I was really thrilled to get back into the water. And it felt great. But I mean, I am a damn Navy SEAL – or was – and I know how to swim, to dive, to move ion the water but this, man, this is torture. I am totally spent although we've started with light exercises. But they were still strenuous. In the end he let me swim for a few minutes. That was great and sort of relaxing or like running out after a game. But all in all, I can't tell you how it was. Maybe later. I need the couch first. And I am as hungry as a bear."

When they arrived, the fatigue was worse than the hunger. Steve put his legs on the couch and a pillow under his head. He had wanted to use the blanket which was lying neatly folded on the backrest as well but he fell asleep the moment he had pulled it down.
Danny noticed though and spread it over him two minutes later.

Steve was happy about the water training.
Sure, it wasn't the ocean and he didn't swim that much but feeling the water around him increased his spirit.
It also exhausted him. After being through SEAL training and especially hell week, he had thought, he was prepared for hard work pain and exhaustion.
PT brought him back to his limits though.
Sometimes he wondered what had happened to "don't overdo".
After the first ten sessions of water therapy, he fell asleep in the car, six times he was so fast asleep that Danny couldn't even wake him when they had arrived at the house.
He didn't even notice when Danny lowered the backrest to make it more comfortable for him and spread a thin blanket over him because experience had shown that Steve was out for over two hours.

If Danny was able to wake him, Steve made it to the couch, then he had to sit down because his legs started to tremble. He felt like his muscles were starting to cramp. It was painful every time. Danny helped him to prop his legs up. Steve couldn't stifle a groan but with the legs up came the relief and an one-hour nap.

"Hey, you ever thought about telling your therapist how exhausting this is for you?" Danny asked his friend after the latest session.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because it is getting better. I am getting use to the training, fitness is improving, my leg is better and most importantly my ankle mobility is getting better. It feels better. It's worth the effort and the fatigue."
"You sure or are you just saying that because you don't want to admit to Roberts that he is pushing you to your limits…because you want to show him you are as hared as they come…because…"
"I don't have to do that. He already knows." Steve started with a stern face.
Danny took a deep breath and said "You are such an…" he started but stopped when he saw that Steve's look was turning into a goofy smile.
"You knew, I'd fall for that," Danny said instead. "But it is okay. I'd rather fall for one of your stupid jokes than not hearing them at all.
So, you are feeling better. That is great. I am happy for you."
He nudged Steve's shoulder.

Three day later Steve was nowhere to be seen when Danny came home.
After a quick search of the house, well, it was more calling than searching, Danny saw his friend sitting in his chair at the beach staring at the ocean.
Danny mad more noise than necessary when he neared the beach but Steve didn't react.
"Hey," Danny said in a low voice when he had reached his friend. "You okay?"
Steve almost jumped out of his chair.
"Danny!" he called surprised. "You are home early. Didn't hear you coming. Sorry."
"First, I am not home early and second, what's up?"
"Nothing. I am good."
"Yeah, sure. Tell me."
"There is nothing to tell. I was just thinking, zoned out, forgot time. That's all." It didn't sound convincing, not even to his own ears but it was he could come up with.
"I'll find out anyway," Danny just stated. "Just spare us some time and an argument…You hurt yourself again?" he asked when Steve showed no sign of reaction.
"No, I didn't. Would have told you that…like I've promised.
I just…" he took a deep breath and continued "Danny, it's been eight months since the accident and I thought it was time to think…" a pause, then "my future."
"And?" Danny asked in a neutral tone.
"And nothing," Steve shrugged sounding as casual as possible.
"You zoned out because of nothing?" Danny pushed.
"No! It wasn't nothing," Steve said annoyed. "It's my future Danny. That isn't nothing!"
"I know. And?" Danny asked again.
Steve had changed since his accident. He had pushed his trust issues aside at least when it came to Danny, was opening up to him about his fears and feelings more often. Danny knew he still had to read carefully though. He needed to push Steve from time to time but he mustn't press too much.
It wasn't easy for Danny to find the right measure but he as getting better at it every time it happened.
Now he thought it was time to press a bit more.
"I don't know," Steve answered. "I still…I can't…don't know what else to do.
Although I wish I could do a job with less violence, I still think we are doing something good here. We are making a difference, trying to keep this island safe…and…I still want to be a part of it."
"What happened?" Danny asked.
"What do you mean? I am just thinking about my future. I think it is time. I need to do something. Insurance isn't paying forever."
"Three day ago, you were excited, told me you were improving. Now you are thinking about your future imagining what to do because you can't return to your old job. So, I am going to repeat myself. What happen, Steven?"
Steve sighed, then he closed his eyes and took another deep breath before he answered.
"My ankle "blocked" again today…"
"So, you did hurt yourself."
"No, I didn't. Roberts caught me before I fell but I wasn't able to move the joint for a few minutes. It was totally stiff and took a lot of effort…and pain," he added in a lower voce than before, "to make it work again."
Danny wanted to say something but Steve continued.
"I asked Roberts how long this would go on. He said he didn't know, that we'd continue to work on it.
When…when I'd ask him if it would stop at all, he also said he didn't know. So, I asked him if it is possible that it is going to stay like that forever, he said yes.
you see how I "walk" every day. It is not walking Danny. It is…I don't know how you call that. And it doesn't matter anyway. I can't walk, how am I supposed to run? And if you can't run, you can't work in the field. That easy."
"that easy, huh? Roberts didn't say you have reached the best you can. You can still improve your skills. How about you wait and see what…"
"Wait and see?!" Steve burst out. "Wait and see?! Danny, I've been doing this for eight months now. It wasn't "that easy" how you put it. It was pain and effort and patience. Seeing my ankle in the same position, not being able to move for half an hour…it…"
"Half an hour?" Danny interrupted. "You just said "a few minutes". I…"
This time it was Steve who interrupted.
"Danny! It doesn't matter if it was a minute or twenty or forty or an hour! I can't do anything against it. I don't feel it coming. It just happens! You know what that means. If that happens while chasing a suspect or during a shootout or even while driving a car someone could die. And the past had shown that it is never me but everyone else who have to pay the price for my mistakes…
Sometimes I wish they had amputated that leg!
I would have had a better chance at returning with a protheses."

"You don't mean what you just said, right?! Danny asked upset.
"Yes, I do!...No…no…I don't know.
No, no. Of course, I want my leg, Danny.
I am sorry…Really…I am just…scared. Can't imagine life without Five-0…without you."
"Without me? Remember what I have told you in the hospital when you were thinking about your future? I will always be here."
"I remember. And I know. And I appreciate that. You don't know how much. And I know you will support me no matter what is going to come. You are the best friend I've ever had. I want to have your back too Danny – forever."
"And you will. I know you can do it."
"I know It is just so frustrating. I mean the foot is there. Right in front of me. It has healed. Yet it doesn't work."
"Yeah, strange. But that is something I have always found fascinating – not in a positive way but in a weird, you know? I mean, people who had a stroke still have their limbs attached but can't move or feel them. People who have lost a limb are still feeling pain in the lost body parts."
"Yeah, weird." Steve agreed.

They sat in silence for two minutes. Then Steve's stomach growled.
"Hey, how long you've been sitting here already?" Danny asked.
"Don't know. But since you are here on your usual time, it is definitely longer than I thought."
"How about I prepare my piccata for us. A homemade meal is always good for the soul," Danny tried to lighten the mood.
"Homemade meals, yes. They are great, especially when they are coming from you. There are certain things though which shouldn't be made at home – ever."