CHAPTER #32

"Do you guys mind if I get dropped off at home first?" Suyin asked.

"Sure, no worries," Qihe replied to his girlfriend, who sat in the front passenger seat.

Xiang Shao wondered, "bro you're not eighteen, how did you get your license and a car?"

"Dad gave an assist."

"Say no more. But I appreciate you picking us up and taking us all back home from the amusement park. Lu He drives too?"

"Yes, he got his license after me. But Chyou is being dropped off at an evening show, she's walking the runway for designer Lan Yu."

"That's so cool," Ping praised.

"Ping going home with you Xiang Shao?"

"No, Mom texted me that Dad's in a bad mood. Drop me after Suyin please."

"Do you just want to come over to my house?" Qihe offered, after hearing his half-brother's anxious tone.

"That would just piss him off. Thanks, but not this time."

On arrival at her apartment complex, Suyin kissed Qihe and said bye to the others. Next they drove to Xiang Shao's house, where he promised to call Ping and his half-brother later. Ping moved into the front passenger seat. It wasn't until Qihe was back on the road that he noticed how quiet Ping was.

"What's got you all upset?"

Ping glanced at him, "you and I are good friends right?"

"Of course, why do you ask?"

"If I tell you something I want you to know, but shouldn't know myself, I don't want you to hate me for it."

Qihe pulled over and put his hazard lights on. "Out with it. I won't be mad. You can tell me anything, I promise."

"Even if it involves your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

She fidgeted under his stare and then blurted, "Suyin is two-faced. I don't like her." Seeing the look in his eyes, Ping added, "no I don't have proof that I can show you, it's women's intuition. Also a few things she said to me previously and a phone conversation I overheard in the washroom today. I wasn't going to tell you, but Xiang Shao said I should be honest if it bothers me so much." She hung her head, waiting for his harsh words to mind her own business.

"Ping look at me." Qihe said gently. "I'm glad you told me what was on your mind. Honesty goes a long way, it's what started our friendship."

Her eyes brightened and she reminded him, "you thwarting my attempted suicide was what started our friendship."

"But you were honest then, even about the cutting. Anyway, I appreciate the warning and concern."

"Qihe?"

"What?"

"My loyalty will always be with you Cranes… I love Xiang Shao… but you… you saved me."

His eyes smiled, because his mouth was hidden by the mask. "You don't owe me anything. As you are always loyal to us Cranes, we will be loyal to you too. Like I said before to you and my brothers, trust and communication trump all else in any relationship. You have proven that over and over."

She nodded. "At first I didn't believe you, but I finally trusted Xiang Shao and told him about the cutting. I even shared how you and I really met and what drove me to try suicide. Talking about it to him and you, did help."

"Did you ever try those online sites?"

Although she looked out the window before answering, he knew she was being truthful. "Yes…. It was after the first time I refused having sex with Xiang Shao."

"Did he pressure you?"

"No and I ended up making him depressed because I was scared to tell him my secrets."

"So the darkness tried to drown you again?"

"Yes." She whispered. "I'm weak."

Qihe undid his seatbelt and took her into his arms. "You're not weak. You are brave. The courage you had to tell your boyfriend and to share with me now… that's strength, few people have."

Ping hadn't meant to cry in his arms, but he made her feel so safe. "Sorry," she sniffed.

"Cry on me any time, I promised to be here for you and I always will be. Before I take you home, let's go to a cafe get some drinks and chat."

"Can we get the drinks to go and just stay in the car?"

"Sure, we can go to Le O Coffee and then Zhongyi Park. Just tell me what you want and I'll get it, so you can stay in the car."

"Okay, thanks."

He gave her some tissues from the glove box and put his seatbelt back on, before driving them to their destinations. After they arrived in the park, Qihe drank his coffee and waited for Ping to finish sipping her milk tea.

"Things still are bad at home right?" He asked her after a few minutes of silence.

"Lately Dad hasn't been coming home and when he does it's late. Mom has been short tempered and takes it out on me a lot. After the roof, I did like you said and tried to change little things to gain control. I even got a part time job."

"Did you cut?"

"No… I wanted to, but I didn't." She pulled down her socks on both legs so he could see she wasn't lying.

"When did the feeling of quicksand come?"

"The night of your graduation party. I thought I was ready to do more intimate things with Xiang Shao, but I began to question myself. I was scared how he would see me."

"And was it then that you showed him your cuts?"

"No. I just told him I wasn't ready, because it was the truth. He seemed to be okay with taking things slow. So that night we just cuddled with our clothes on. Then he even slept on top of the blanket, while I was under it. Xiang Shao is a sweetheart and so patient."

"My guess is that he was just as nervous about intimacy as you. Did you guys talk about it first?"

Ping nodded and swallowed the pastry in her mouth. "Yes, in the morning. We even discussed birth control."

"Afterwards did the darkness stay?"

"It wasn't bad. Talking about it with him, helped me control the situation. And he admitted to being a virgin just like me." She began to fidget again, with the pastry wrapper.

"Ping?"

"I… . Recently I asked Suyin for some girl advice about… guys and intimacy. I told her what you said, that it was okay to take my time. She said that was an excuse and that I'm a coward. Suyin… told me that no guy would want to see me naked anyway, that I was ugly." Ping let it all out in a rush. "But then when you said I was cute today, she agreed."

"I remember, she made you blush by saying you were cute enough to eat."

"So that's why… she's two-faced."

"Ping, is the darkness lingering because you believe you're ugly and undesirable?"

She nodded yes. "Since the party… Xiang Shao only holds my hand, sometimes we kiss, but not like before. The girls at school call me ugly and some of the guys too. Just last night, Mom said I disgust her."

"Even if Xiang Shao wanted to bring back the intimacy, I don't think you'd believe him if he said you're pretty and turn him on. Before you can be close to him, you have to believe in yourself and love yourself first."

"It's hard. And I've been doing that online chat counselling every day. They tell me to be kind to myself and focus on the positives. That I have to assert myself too. I have been putting myself first whenever I can and I started working out sort-of."

"Being around positive people and friends, prevents you from self isolating and dwelling on the negative. Just like today, you came out and I heard you laughing on the rollercoaster."

"I love rollercoasters!"

"Doing stuff you like, helps build joy in life. Even sometimes I act confident when I don't feel it, especially if I'm trying something new."

Ping laughed, "but you know your limits, I don't."

"You're just being too hard on yourself. Do you write in a journal or have a blog?"

"That would be too much like homework."

"But writing down your thoughts can help organize them. It can help you identify what's unhelpful and to think back in time how you felt both making mistakes or having achievements."

"Hmm, that makes sense. I guess I'll try that… . Talking to someone I trust fully… like you… helps more than you know."

"I get it… I have that with my twin. When I couldn't tell him about my father having another kid and that he cheated on my mother… . I too felt how heavy depression can be. Since he found out and met Xiang Shao… it's good to be able to tell him everything again. I'm not as angry all the time."

"Qihe, you let me lean on you a lot. I want to be here for you too, like you said it's what friends do."

"Thanks, I'll remember that." He looked at his phone and then asked, "ready to go home?"

"Yes. Next time we get coffee or drinks, it's on me. I appreciate you giving me so much of your time."

"And I thank you too, for having my back and telling me about Suyin. I won't patronize you by saying it was probably a misunderstanding."

Ping smiled and kissed his cheek. "Who knew that Mafia Boy has the kindest heart ever."

"Do you want to walk home?"

She laughed in response and it was filled with glee and warmth.