"Maybe you should rest now, you have been dancing since the time they declared the prom king and queen" came from my soccer mate.

Well to be fair he is right, I really am dancing for a long time and to be honest, I really dont want to continue. At this rate it is just exhausting my body too much i mean, how much time has gone by since I started? To check, I slightly raised my head so I can see the clock mounted at the top of stage.

WOAH 3 hours. Like yeah, thats too much.

"Aww, I wanted to show you my next move but ok, I will rest for time being" I replied and gave a small laugh and fist bump before arriving at an empty table at the corner of the stage.

Well graduation huh, it still feels like tomorrow when I entered the Sobu for the first time. I still remember my fear of getting bullied due to my long and brown hair. Still, I am proud of their length so i couldn't have just gotten rid of them.

Coming to Soubu I made freinds, Hayato, Yamato, Ooka and the girls till the second year. But it still didn't changed my fear, I only knew one thing that people will not threaten me as long I looked inferior to them, which if to be honest I think I am. But to just project that I am inferior, was an another thing, but I luckily was used to doing it from the time I got my sanity.

So I played the part of clown, an over energetic idiot. And like every other time, from elementary to Middle school, it helped me to subside my fear. I mean I know it is cowardly but i am afraid, afraid of how hard they will make me fall if they get a sense of inferiority within them. The fear of being facing the consequences scares me.

But with the clique, for the first time I got a feeling of similarity, like someone was also playing a part. That someone being 2 people namely Hayato and Ebina.

For Hayato, I think I just had a very bad intitution that time, I mean just why would he want to play a role when everyone makes themselves put in work to accomodate him. It just didn't make any sense so I just convinced myself that it was just a sense of security I got from him as I had his freind card.

But for Ebina, however much I wanted to deny, the feeling just grew stronger and stronger as the clique started to spend more time together. It just felt like she just had this role like myself that she was using to protect herself from something, I don't know why but i just get really intrigued by these thoughts like they were unfolding before me. I just wanted to know if it was true so , I can just make peace with the fact i am not the only one, only one who is just too afraid to reach out, to just try being himself instead of being someone other wants. I mean it was like really low to think someone was this pathetic like me but still.

So, just so that I dont chicken out I made an excuse to incoporate this purpose with my role. I just told some people in my class that I had crush on her. And just like that it got me bounded perfectly. As according to my role, of an clown, it was perfect for me to confess to her. I was using my own fear to not get exposed to achieve my goal.

So i took the action with the help of one of the guys. I told that excuse to Hikigaya and his club. To be honest, he seemed like a person I would have loved knowing more about but due to him being antisocial my role didn't allowed it. Furthermore, I also had to slander his name to fit in with everyone. But he was a good person nonetheless, he helped me genuinly during every step before the confession. At the end too, I think he saved me by fake confessing, to get me out of the situation knowing I would have gotten rejected and otracized. I was not that stupid to know the consequences if I failed.

Still i had to fake being angry at him, but he didn't minded that much or atleast he showed. My image of him got stronger about him as the time passed by as he was always there helping someone. As for Ebina, I tried rest of the year to just get close to that sense of familiarity that she excluded, but in the end due to clique getting broke at the start of third year I lost that one connection that bounded us together.

In third year due to, seprate courses I was left alone in a class full of new faces. I ,being the coward I am, just continued playing my role with a new group. But still in a sense, I secretly longed for that feeling which I got from her during previous year. I just wanted to subdue tis endless feeling of inferiority within me by usin her. It was/is pretty pathetic. I hate myself for thinking like that but even if I try I couldn't help myself thinking about it again.

But still at the end here I am playing the role of a clown, but it looks like the joke I made during these e years was of me myself.

But but it is not over yet, yeah? I still have this night right. Even if i am wrong even if I get otrasized I just want to try, try to just .. just know that even i am not alone. Just I can also be myself even for if its for just this moment, however pathic, low and despicable human I am but I can truly call myself.

TOBE KAKERU

Author's Note

an UPDATE FINALLY