Rayna
When she woke up the next morning, she was afraid to turn over or even just look over her shoulder. She steeled herself and looked back. She closed her eyes, breathing a sigh of relief. He was there. She was still nervous about everything, about whether he could stay sober, whether he could really be there for her, and for their baby. She thought about what she wanted to say to him that day. She wanted him to go back and finish his rehab. She was sure he wouldn't be happy about it and wouldn't want to, but she wanted him to do the work, not just rely on the high of knowing she was pregnant. She was taking a big chance and she wanted him to be in the best possible state of mind to do this with her. She heard him stir and she rolled over onto her side, facing him. He opened his eyes and looked at her, almost as though he couldn't believe she was still there.
He gave her a sleepy smile and her heart melted. "Hey, baby," he murmured.
She smiled back. "Hey." She reached out and pushed his hair back off his forehead.
"You're still here," he said.
"Of course I am. Where else would I be?"
He reached out and put his hand on her arm. "I thought maybe I dreamed it."
She ran a finger down the side of his face. "I'm not a dream. I'm really here."
He breathed in deeply and she could see the tears in his eyes. "And you ain't going nowhere?"
She couldn't say that for certain. Not right then anyway. He would need to prove himself to her and there was one thing he needed to do first to ensure that she would still be there. She moved a little closer to him. "We're having a baby, Deacon. I want to do that with you. But you have to stay sober."
"I will, baby, I promise," he said earnestly, putting his hand on the small of her back.
She put her finger over his lips. "You've promised that before, babe. So many times. You know that." She put her hand on his chest, as though she could push him away. "But having a baby is something different. Being a father means you have to work harder at this."
"I will, Ray. I ain't never gonna touch another drop." He leaned towards her, but she moved her head back and he looked confused.
"I need more than just you saying you will, Deacon." She looked at him intently. "I need you to prove it. Prove it by going back and finishing rehab."
He frowned and shook his head. "No. I can't go back there. I can do this on my own. For you. For the baby. I promise I can do it."
"It's my condition, Deacon. You go back and finish rehab, do the work, get clean and healthy, and we will do this together. I'm with you right now, babe, because I love you and I believe in you. I know you can do this and I know, deep down inside, you want to show me – and our baby – that you really mean it. Mean it so much that you're willing to do this for us." She watched as his defiance started to dissipate and it gave her hope. "Please, Deacon. Promise me."
He looked at her for a long time and she held her breath. He pulled her closer, until she could feel his skin on hers. All she had on was one of his shirts and she could feel his erection pressed against her stomach, separated only by the flannel fabric. It felt like a fire had ignited inside of her, but she really needed his promise. Finally, his eyes filled with remorse and pain, he nodded. "I promise," he whispered.
She felt tears in her own eyes as she leaned in and gently pressed her lips to his. He moaned and then pushed up the shirt. She felt him against the skin on her stomach for a moment, before he moved and entered her swiftly. She hitched her breath as he slowly and purposefully pushed inside her, filling her up, igniting the flame of passion even higher inside her. He tugged at her leg and she lifted it, wrapping it around his waist, giving him greater access. His hand then slid over her hip and cupped her bottom as he ground farther into her. He parted her lips and slid his tongue in her mouth, driving her wild. He was moving in and out, with long, powerful strokes. She was tingling all the way down to her toes, hanging on as his intensity grew.
"Oh, please, babe," she murmured, feeling herself spiraling up. As though he didn't hear her, he kept up his rhythm as she dangled on the edge. She was all wrapped up in a haze of love and sex and expanding sensations, moaning out loud. He covered her mouth with his and then very vaguely as she threatened to spiral out of control, she felt his hand slide between them and touch her right at the spot he knew drove her wild, and she came hard, seeing stars in front of her, shouting out loud. Almost immediately, he thrust into her one last time, letting go with his own cries, shouting her name over and over.
Afterwards, he held her close. She could feel his heart beating against her own, his heavy breathing matching hers. She was shaking a little with the overwhelming emotions and he looked into her eyes, worry on his face. "Did I hurt you? Did I do something...?"
She shook her head. "No, no, it's okay." She lowered her leg then and he rolled onto his back, still looking at her anxiously. "I promise."
He pulled her down onto his chest, kissing the top of her head. She just lay there, listening to the slowing of his heartbeat, feeling the slowing of her own. He sighed. "So how long I got?" he asked, sounding dejected.
She moved her head to look at him. "I think we need to go home first," she said. She smiled a little. "I need new clothes."
He laughed a little, then kissed her. "I think you look cute in my shirt," he said.
She snuggled into him. "Well, maybe, but I really do need to get back." She rubbed her hand on his chest and then sighed. "I think we go back and get things settled. I can have Cole call Riverside..."
He scowled. "Not there."
She didn't protest. She'd liked having him at Riverside because it was close. It was less than 30 minutes away, which made it easy to visit him. But if he felt someplace else would be better she would do that. Maybe that would be the best thing to do. "I can have Cole check on other places," she said.
"I don't wanna be gone so long, though, baby," he said. She had put him in a 90 day program the last time. The time he walked away. "I need to be here, for you."
She shook her head. "It's more important that you do this right, Deacon," she said. "It's so much more important, really. Please do this. For me. For the baby. Our baby. Our family."
He started to cry, but he nodded his head. They held each other tight and she breathed a sigh of relief that at least at the moment, he was willing to go.
Deacon
It had been a long drive. Neither of them talked a lot. He hated that it was so far from Nashville, but the program was supposed to be solid. It was in the eastern Kentucky mountains and it almost looked like a resort, based on the pictures in the brochure. He knew it would be far from that, though, once he'd been admitted. No matter how nice the facility, there was always that rehab smell. Desperation mixed with sweat and something that always smelled antiseptic. He would be in a room that was minimally furnished, just like when he'd been at Riverside, and he wouldn't have his guitar, his phone, little more than his clothes and a notebook.
It was on the top of a mountain and they'd been on a winding road until they finally drove into the parking lot. The center was sprawling, with what he knew were residences on either side of the large main facility where most of the hard work would be done. He felt sick to his stomach. He didn't want to be here, wished there was another way. He didn't want to be gone from Rayna for 90 days but she'd insisted and had been firm about it.
She walked him in this time. Just like she had the first three times he'd gone to rehab. He hated it though. He hated that he'd been so weak. Again. He hated that she was having to do this. Again. He couldn't help but remember how her patience had shortened with each successive time she'd done it. Just as they got to the door, he stopped. He turned to her and took her hands in his. "I don't think I can do this again, Ray," he said.
She breathed in deeply and squeezed his hands. "Yes, you can, Deacon," she said. "You have to."
He knew that. He knew he needed to do this. He just didn't want her to leave him. "Ray..."
She shook her head and frowned. "Don't do this, Deacon. You have to get better. There's too much at stake." She looked at him intently. "You promised."
He had. He knew, deep down, she was right to do this. But now that he was here, he wished he'd let her put him in Riverside again, so that he could see her more often. He nodded. "I know. I'm just gonna miss you so much, baby."
Her face softened with a tiny smile. "I'm going to come see you as often as I can, babe. I'll be out on the road for a few more weeks and then I'll be here as much as I can. And I'll call you as often as they'll let me." She leaned in and kissed him. "I'll be right here the day you can come home." She smiled and put her arms around his neck, leaning into him. "And then we'll go home and get ready for our baby."
They walked into the facility then, holding hands. The intake office was on the right and on the left he saw the visitor's center. Where Rayna would come to see him once her tour had wrapped up. She wouldn't be able to see him the first 30 days anyway, so it was just as well that she would be on the road. They walked up to the intake office and he gave his name. The woman at the desk smiled as she flicked her eyes over to Rayna, then back to him. He knew she recognized Rayna and he hated it for her.
"I'll let them know you're here," she said. "You can wait in the lobby and someone will be out shortly to take you back." She gestured back towards the area where they had arrived. Rayna took his hand and smiled at him, and they walked out of the office.
He put his arms around her back and pressed her closer, taking her mouth with his and kissing her hungrily. He wanted to do this for her. For their baby. He wanted to be a dad – a good one – and a husband. He wanted to break the curse that had stained him for all those years. He wanted to end the legacy he'd been born into and create something new and beautiful with the woman he loved more than anything in the world. He pulled his lips from hers and stood there, just looking at her.
She took his face in her hands and then leaned in to kiss him gently. He took a deep breath and then he flattened his palm against her stomach. She was almost 10 weeks pregnant, but he didn't feel any change in her body, although she had laughed when he told her that. I can tell. And my boobs are getting huge! He had to admit that part was true. "I hate I'm gonna miss stuff," he said, feeling a little despondent.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, leaning into him. "You'll be home before you know it, babe, and we're gonna fix up a nursery and babyproof the house and buy all these tiny clothes." She smiled.
"You wanna know if it's a boy or girl?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"
He thought about it. He wasn't sure it mattered, but he was pretty sure she would want to know. He kissed her. "I say yes," he said.
She bounced a little on her feet and smiled. "Me too," she said. "I'm so glad you want to." She could see over his shoulder that someone was waiting for him and she knew she needed to let him go. "I think they're waiting for you," she said, nodding in that direction.
He looked back over his shoulder and then back at her. "I promise I'm gonna do this, Rayna," he said.
She nodded. "I know you will," she said. She wanted him to know she fully supported him. She didn't want to be wrong this time and so it was important to her to be both encouraging and firm. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her one last time and then he turned and walked away from her.
Rayna
When they had driven back to Nashville from the cabin, she went to her apartment to get things packed up so she could move into Deacon's house. Even though she hadn't officially lived there, in many ways it had already felt like her home. She'd been there countless times while they wrote songs and stayed many nights. It felt like this was just making it official. She'd been nervous about him being alone at the bungalow, even for just a few hours. He hadn't been drinking long enough, at the cabin, that it had taken him long to recover, but she wanted to get at least enough clothes and toiletries to last her for the week or so before she'd have to take him to rehab. Then she could arrange a proper move, getting the rest of her things moved over and disposing of her furniture.
She told Tandy what she had done and although Tandy had begged her to reconsider, she had stood firm. Deacon was her soulmate and she was determined to see him through this, for the sake of their baby. When she'd gotten back to his house, they had basically cocooned there. She'd been able to get him into a facility prior to her having to go back out on the road to finish her tour. Then she'd have a lot of decisions to make, or rather she and Deacon would have a lot of decisions to make. About the baby, about what to do concerning the following year's tour, about her upcoming album. For the time being though, what was important was getting him through rehab so that they could start to rebuild their life together.
As she drove back from the rehab center, she had some time to think about what was next for them. Cole had found the place in the Kentucky mountains and when she and Deacon had walked in the door, she felt like it would be a good place for him to recover. Seeing him the way he was when she'd gone to the cabin, feeling that old overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment, had been difficult. She knew she was taking a chance. She was putting all her faith into him being able to do this and stay sober. She also knew he faced overwhelming odds he wouldn't make it for the long haul.
"He's never done it before. What makes you think it will be different this time?" Tandy asked when she told her sister her plans.
"He has more to fight for, Tandy," she said.
Tandy looked at her sadly. "I don't think that's how addiction works, Rayna."
"How would you know?" she said angrily. "You just expect him to fail. You probably want him to fail, just so you can tell me I was wrong and you were right."
Tandy looked hurt. "Sweetheart, that's not true. But I've seen him promise you before and then disappoint you. I just don't want you to get trapped in something you can't get out of."
"I'm not trapped! I'm with him because I love him."
"Are you going to watch him all the time? What about if he has to take care of the baby and you're not around? What if it gets to be too much, taking care of a baby and trying to stay sober? That's a lot, Rayna, and I don't think you've really thought this through." She tried to walk away, but Tandy grabbed her hands. "What if he drinks and has a blackout? With the baby. On his own."
She wrenched her hands away. "Stop! Stop it! I believe in him, Tandy, and I believe this is what's going to make the difference."
She knew she was putting a lot of faith in Deacon that he could pull himself out of this dark place. Yes, she was scared, and Tandy had touched on all her biggest fears, but she couldn't think of another way. He was going to be a father and if he couldn't make things work this time, then she'd have to live with that. I'll take a year off. I'll be sure he can do this. And then we'll be on the road together. I'll be with him every step of the way. He can do this. I know he can.
She finally saw, from a distance, the Nashville skyline. She would be glad to get home. Home. She felt like she didn't really have a home right at that moment. She had, of course, been at Deacon's house prior to taking him to rehab and she still had the apartment, something she'd have to deal with. But she felt a little bit like she had that night her father had kicked her out. Like everything she'd known had been pulled out from underneath her and she wasn't sure what to do next.
Her father was waiting for her when she came in through the back door. When she had driven up to the house, it had been dark, except for the faint glow of light she knew was coming from the kitchen. The housekeeper always left the light on above the stove, kind of like a beacon in the dark. She carefully let herself in. She was still energized from the crowd that night at the small club where Watty had gotten her a paying gig. It wasn't a lot of money, barely enough to cover a tank of gas, after she'd split it with Deacon. It made her smile when she thought of him. She'd met him a couple weeks after she'd first seen him and, once he'd broken up with his girlfriend, they'd been thick as thieves. He was her first real kiss, a really sweet kiss. But she'd learned quickly that he was much more than sweet kisses. She'd fallen in love as soon she heard him perform and had fallen even harder when he'd told her she inspired him to write a song. He'd sang it for her the night they'd first made love and he'd told her he loved her too.
She crept quietly down the back hall, heading for the den, which would then lead her to the foyer and the stairs. Suddenly she stopped. She thought she'd heard something, but wasn't sure what it was. She waited and finally decided it was nothing but the creaking of an old house. She took another 2 steps and she heard someone clear his throat. She froze.
Her father then stepped out of the shadows. She could feel the anger rolling off him. "Where have you been?" he asked, his voice sinister.
At first she couldn't speak, but finally she found her voice. "Uh, at a friend's house," she said. She could hear her voice shaking. She also, in that moment, was pretty sure he knew exactly where she'd been.
"A friend's house?" His voice was deceptively calm. "Are you sure? Or does your friend live at one of those tawdry little clubs across the river?"
She didn't know how he could have possibly found out. "I don't know what you mean, Daddy," she said.
"Oh, really. Do you remember me telling you that as long as you lived under my roof, you would live by my rules?"
She did remember. He didn't like her playing country music on the radio or the stereo. When she'd told him she wanted to sing country music, he'd forbidden her to do that. She had argued with him, but he stayed firm. After that she'd been careful to cover her tracks. Obviously not well enough this time. "Yes," she said.
"Did you not believe me, Rayna?" She didn't know how to answer that, so she stayed silent. It wasn't that she didn't believe him, but she wasn't sure what it meant. Or what he would do. "I don't say things like that lightly. So to find out that you deliberately disobeyed me and sang on a stage in front of the type of people who listen to that music disappoints me."
That made her mad. "There's nothing wrong with the type of people who listen to country music," she said defiantly.
Her father smiled that reptilian smile she recognized as the one right before he went in for the kill. She was determined not to let him get the best of her. "I forbid you to do this nonsense again, Rayna," his voice even and quiet, but deadly.
"What are you going to do? Lock me in my room?" She couldn't believe he was being this way, didn't understand his irrational dislike for her kind of music. "I'm not a child anymore, Daddy."
He raised an eyebrow. "If you don't follow the rules, then you'll no longer live in this house."
"What?" She couldn't believe he was serious. I'm 16. How could he possibly do this?
The smile was gone and his face was stony with anger. "Don't underestimate me, Rayna. This is my house and if you want to keep living here, there will be no more of this sneaking out to pursue this ridiculous folly of yours," he said, raising his voice.
"This is what I want to do with my life, Daddy. You know that. I'm not going to change my mind."
"Then get out of my house."
She remembered how shocked she'd been. His voice was so loud it sounded like it was bouncing off the walls. She'd been angry, scared, energized, and unsure of what to do next. She felt sure he didn't mean it and that he thought she'd come back. But she wasn't going to back down and give up her dream. Watty had told her she had a real chance to make it and it had started with the show she'd done that night. So she had turned around and walked back out the door and gotten in her car. She'd driven back down the driveway and then stopped, not sure where to go. She thought her father probably assumed she'd go to Tandy, so she had decided not to do that. Showing up at Deacon's apartment had been the real beginning of the rest of her life.
She was where she wanted to be – singing on big stages, headlining, winning awards. They called her the future of country music and she'd taken that designation seriously, always working to give her fans a great show. It had definitely not been easy, even without Deacon's issues, but she'd always believed anything worth doing was worth the hard work that went into it.
When she'd gotten back to Deacon's house, she had gone straight to his bedroom and had fallen asleep almost as soon as she'd hit the pillow. When she finally woke up, it was dark both inside and out. As she walked through the house, turning on lights here and there, she felt refreshed. Deacon was in a place where he could get better and that took a huge load off her shoulders. As she sat curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, she mentally worked through a to do list of things she needed to take care of before she headed back out for the last 3 weeks of her tour. Top of the list was meeting with Bucky and she promised herself to call him first thing the next morning.
She put her hand on her stomach then and thought about the promise of a family with Deacon. Although she still felt anxious, she knew she was doing the right thing by giving him that chance.
Deacon
He hated rehab. He'd never been able to make it stick and he wasn't sure he could this time either, but he also knew he had to try. Rayna was depending on him. A baby was depending on him. He stood by the window, looking out towards the mountains. He remembered the first time he'd gone to rehab. He hated how much he'd disappointed Rayna and he was willing to go and get clean. And for a while he had been. Life had been amazing, fully sober. Rayna had been proud of him. He had that life that was good. The one he'd always wanted. Until he didn't.
Being on the road and trying to stay sober was tough. Being around alcohol was hard. It was a gradual thing and at first he'd been able to keep it from Rayna. But she'd found a bottle at the apartment where they were living. Even knowing how much he was disappointing her didn't keep him from sliding back into that dark hole. The second time was a repeat of the first. And then there was the third time and she was beginning to lose her patience. She got angry – rightfully so – and there were times when she walked out on him. She always came back, but they had more fights. When his friend Vince was killed in a car accident, he'd taken that on and it had driven him down to depths he'd never known before. He would black out and that scared Rayna more than anything, because sometimes it was hard for her to tell.
He rubbed his hands over his face. It was what had led her to break up with him, telling him it was for good, and then sending him to rehab again, the one he walked out on. And now he was back. Because she was pregnant and she needed him to be sober and responsible. He wanted to do that. What he didn't want was to tell her he didn't remember them being together. He didn't remember anything after he'd driven from Mississippi to the cabin.
Rayna
She drove over to Sound Check after lunch to meet with Bucky. He was waiting for her and stood up, giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Hey, Rayna," he said with a smile.
"Hey, Buck. Thanks for meeting me." They sat in a couple of the chairs in the office where they met. "I know we're headed back out in a week, but I want to get you up to speed on some, uh, personal things where I'm concerned."
Bucky frowned. "Anything wrong?"
She laughed. "I guess it would depend on your perspective." She paused. "So, I'm pregnant. Unexpectedly." She smiled at the shocked expression on Bucky's face.
"Really? I, well, I don't know exactly what to say. I'm assuming you're happy about it?" He smiled, but she could still see the surprise on his face.
"I am." She breathed in. "Deacon is the father." She let that sink in. "I went to tell him and, um, he was in kind of a bad place. He'd left rehab and he wasn't in good shape." She could see Bucky's concern. "He's back in rehab now. I took him the day before yesterday. He'll be there for 90 days."
"Not to pry too much, but what happens when he gets out?"
"We'll get ready to have a baby. The baby's due in late April. I know that's right before the beginning of tour season and clearly I won't be ready to tour. What I'd like to do is work on my next album and then when the baby's born I'll take a year off. Basically go back out on the road the following year." She hesitated. "I also need to be sure that once Deacon's out of rehab that he has all the support he needs to stay sober. I really think he and I need that time without the distractions and the temptations."
Bucky nodded. "That makes sense."
"I know the timing of all this is terrible, but..."
Bucky shook his head. "We'll get it done. We can put out the album and you can still do some publicity. We'll release singles to radio and when you're ready to get back out on the road, you'll already have a hit album to support." He paused. "And you're okay to finish out this tour?"
"Oh, yeah. It's just 3 more weeks and I'm actually feeling surprisingly good, so I'm not worried."
"What do you want to do about any kind of announcement?"
She hadn't really thought about that. "Well, I'm hoping that I can wind up the tour without having to say anything. And then maybe wait until Deacon's back home and handle it then. I want him to be a part of that."
Bucky looked a little conflicted. "Rayna, you know I'll support you any way you need me to, but are you sure Deacon's ready for all this? Especially after coming out of rehab again?"
She frowned. "Yes, I am. I have to be. He has to be."
Tandy didn't want her driving up to the rehab facility by herself and she decided to avoid an argument by just letting her sister tag along.
"I have to say, I'm surprised you want to visit Deacon with me," she said, trying to hide a smile.
Tandy rolled her eyes. "I did not say I wanted to do that. But you're pregnant, Rayna, and just because you insisted on choosing to tell him, which I still think was a bad idea, it does not mean I want you driving all that way all alone. What if something happened?"
"Well, I will say that I appreciate the company. It will be nice to have a little sister time."
They arrived at the center just in time for visiting hours. As she opened the car door, Tandy reached across and grabbed her arm. "Sweetie, please know there's no disgrace in saying you made a mistake. If it doesn't seem like he's serious about this, I don't want you to feel like there are no other options."
She jerked her arm away and frowned. "Why would you say that?"
"We both know he's made so many promises to you and hasn't been able to keep them. Chances are he won't this time either. Plus there's more on the line." Tandy had a pleading look on her face. "Please, Rayna."
She sat there for a moment, looking down at her lap. Tandy was right that Deacon had broken far more promises than he'd ever kept. He'd broken every promise he'd ever made to her about getting sober and staying that way. She had to admit to herself that his chances were no better this time than any other time. Maybe they were even worse. But she also believed that this time might really matter, that having a baby – a family – was worth it. She looked back at Tandy. "I hear you, but I also need to do this. I need to give him the chance to try. But I promise that if I feel like there's a chance he can't do this, I will put my baby's life and future ahead of everything else." Tandy looked at her for a moment and then nodded. She got out of the car and headed for the entrance.
Deacon
The first several weeks went about the same as they had every other time he'd gone to rehab. He spent a lot of time in group sessions, had one-on-one's with a counselor, talking about the same things. Why he drank, why he felt like that was the answer, why he didn't want to keep doing that. He felt like he gave the same answers – he drank because he didn't know any other way to deal with the demons, he knew it wasn't the answer but it made the pain and guilt go away, he hated how he felt afterwards, he hated how it made the people around him feel, he hated how much he'd disappointed Rayna. The last one most of all.
Then there were all the how's – how was he going to change things this time, how was he going to make better decisions, how was he going to set himself up to succeed. Because of his history, he sometimes felt like there was nothing he could do differently from what he'd already tried. The bottom line was why would this time be different. He had a powerful reason to be successful this time – to be a father to his child, to be a husband to Rayna. Although they had not talked about marriage since that first day, he still believed that needed to be the goal. To create that family they'd talked about so many times.
What's different this time, Deacon? What's going to make this work that hasn't before? That was the question his therapist asked him during their first session. He knew the right answer – that he was doing it for himself. But this therapist challenged him on that. Told him that the fact he couldn't make it work made it seem like he was doing it for someone or something else and that it wasn't sustainable. He'd spent a lot of time thinking about that. Writing down his thoughts about it. He was doing it for Rayna. And for the baby. But mostly for Rayna. And that didn't seem to be the right answer.
He wrote a lot. Not just songs, but more of his thoughts about the future. He couldn't have a guitar so he couldn't really work on music, but he knew he would have a notebook full of songs and song ideas when he got out. He spent time thinking on the questions he'd been asked, about what would be different and how he was going to make this work and when he sat outside he contemplated those things in a way he had not before.
"I gotta stay more focused this time," he told his therapist. "Do things different."
"But different how? That's the real work you need to do, to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it."
He frowned. "It's hard to say specifically."
"That's not going to work though. You know that. You have to be able to have answers to the things that failed you before. What were the obstacles and how do you do things differently so that you don't have the same outcome?"
"I'm gonna be a dad. That's different. I'm gonna have to make this work for my son or daughter."
"You have to do this for yourself, Deacon. If you can do this for yourself, then you can be the kind of father you want to be."
It made his head hurt. It felt like a circle and he wasn't really sure how to step out of it. He didn't understand why figuring things out so he could be a good dad wasn't a good enough answer. Because he knew he needed to do that, for his kid and for Rayna.
He'd been in rehab for a month when Rayna first came to visit. He was looking forward to seeing her. He'd gotten letters from her while she was on the road. She told him she was doing fine, was more tired than normal, but otherwise good. They wouldn't get a lot of time together, but he couldn't wait to hold her in his arms, kiss her, and hold her hand. He wanted to talk to her, about their future, about what he'd been talking about in his group and individual sessions, about how he would really do this.
The morning crept by at glacial speed, it felt like. He had breakfast, had spent some time working on his homework, talked to some of the people from his group in kind of an informal way.
"So your lady's coming today?" asked one of the guys he'd gotten to know, named Bill. Bill was older, in his 40's, and it was his 3rd time in rehab, so it had felt like they had a little more in common. Bill was divorced, had a couple kids. His divorce had sent him back down the path of addiction. He was determined, though, to get back on track, for his kids. It was kind of what they had in common and he'd appreciated the other man's experience.
He smiled. "Yeah. First time since I been here."
"You seem a little jittery. You nervous about seeing her?"
He shrugged. "A little, I guess. I know she's probably nervous too. About whether I can do this, take care of a family. It's a lot, you know? I somehow gotta figure it out, so she stays."
"You know you gotta do it for yourself first though, right?"
He frowned. "How do you really do that, though? I mean, if I don't do this, I don't get to be a dad to my kid. She'll walk away and never come back."
"Don't you want to be sober though? Clean? Just so you feel good? I know it's hard to see it that way, and I get it. I do it too sometimes. And I'm doing this for my kids too. I want 'em to be proud of me. I want my ex to let me see them, be part of their lives, so it's easy to say I'm doing it for them."
"So isn't that why you're doing it then? For them?" He felt confused.
"Yeah. I am. But I also know that if I don't figure out how to have control over this, none of it matters. I gotta do this because I need to, for myself."
He thought about that. Maybe that's the key. I gotta have control or nothing else can happen.
He walked down to the visitor's center. His living quarters were in a separate building and he had to walk outside to get to the center. It was a chilly day, but sunny, without a cloud in the sky. He hunched his shoulders trying to ward off the brisk wind that was blowing through the mountains. He started to jog a little, wanting to get there a little quicker. He couldn't wait to see Rayna. He'd dreamt about her every night and now he'd be able to see her and hold her and kiss her.
He got to the door and opened it, walking into the building. There was a main gathering room and he started towards it. "Deacon!" He turned when he heard his name and there she was. She was smiling and he smiled back, feeling tears in his eyes. He rushed towards her and she met him halfway, throwing her arms around his neck. He grabbed her around the waist and lifted her up as he held her close, then gently lowered her back to the floor as he kissed her, gently at first, then more insistently.
When he stepped back, he looked at her. She was dressed warmly, in a navy blue sweater, dark pants, and boots. She wore her hair loose just below her shoulders in soft waves and she had a happy look on her face. "I can't believe you're really here," he said.
She laughed. "I am, though." She pointed to a more sheltered sitting area. "I saved us this over here." Her coat and purse were in one of the chairs. "I thought it would be a little more private." She took his hand and led him over. She picked up her purse and set it on the floor before sitting in the chair. He sat in the other one, not letting go of her hand. She smiled at him. "You look good, Deacon. How do you feel?"
"I feel good. But what about you? And the baby?"
She pressed her free hand against her abdomen. "We're both good. I'm at the end of my first trimester and everything looks good."
When he'd hugged her he was sure he'd felt something, like she might be showing a little bit. "You said anything to anyone about this yet? You being pregnant?"
She shook her head. "Except for Bucky. Well, and Tandy, of course. But the tour is over and you couldn't really tell I was pregnant, so we didn't say anything." She squeezed his hand. "You can tell now though."
He smiled. "I thought I felt something. What happens now?"
She shrugged. "Take care of myself. Go to the doctor when I'm supposed to. Rest." She reached out and pushed his hair back off his forehead. "Are you writing?"
He nodded. "I am. Can't write music 'cause I don't have my guitar though." He smiled at her. "Gonna need some Rayna magic on some of 'em."
"You know I'm always happy to do my part." She looked a little reflective. "I'm looking forward to us writing together again." She leaned in and kissed him. "And all that entails."
"You sure, baby? It won't hurt you or nothing?"
She laughed. "No, it won't. I promise." She took his hand again. "Are you feeling like this is helping you?"
He felt a flash of annoyance that he was back in rehab. "I still don't feel like I need it, but I'm gonna make it work this time. I got a lot to be around for and I want you to be proud of me."
"Oh, Deacon, I'm already proud of you. The fact that you agreed to come back and that you understand how important it is really makes me feel so hopeful." She smiled. "I know you're going to be able to beat this. Just know I have faith in you."
He looked at her, her face filled with hope, and he wondered if she really did still have faith in him. He'd disappointed her in every way imaginable. She could have walked away. Maybe he would never have known. He didn't deserve her but here she was. She put a hand on his cheek and stroked his skin with her thumb. Then he broke down in tears.