A/N: a little bit of a time jump to late 2001 through 2002 for storyline purposes. Up to this point, Deacon and Rayna have lived a good life, making music together and raising Maddie. Then, Deacon develops an itch and Rayna's caught off guard...
Rayna
It had been a crazy several months. Right after her last tour Deacon had been offered a record deal as a solo artist. It was a smaller label than Edgehill, but one that had been around for a number of years. It was a good deal – they'd had Bucky and Watty look it over – and Deacon had immediately started choosing songs for his first album, an EP he'd be able to put out quickly. She was coming to terms with the things she was having to set aside in order for him to do this but had not shared those thoughts with him. She was proud of his accomplishment and she knew this mattered to him. The last thing she wanted to do was diminish his dreams, but it had certainly changed things.
Deacon had a regular spot at the Bluebird Café. Every third Thursday, when they were off the road. It gave him an opportunity to share some of his own songs and it gave him a spotlight, albeit a small one. Sometimes she came with him, but usually she did not. It was something he could do on his own. If she was there, the audience invariably expected her to join him and while occasionally she did, she sensed that it took away from him.
The Bluebird was one of those places, famous in Nashville, for being a place of discovery for budding artists and songwriters. She and Deacon both had been fortunate to gain attention there early in their careers, but as the years went by she had somehow not considered that someone sitting in the audience might listen to him and think about taking a chance on him. After all, he was in her band and was her bandleader and cowriter. They toured together, as a team. Deacon wasn't looking for that fame anymore and she, honestly, liked it that way. Even though she didn't often like to admit it to herself, it still served a purpose for him to be part of her world.
But he'd been excited about the surprise offer and she'd felt almost like she'd been blindsided in a way, both by the offer and his reaction. It was not what they had planned.
He had come to Nashville for his own career and he'd put that on the backburner to support her. For years he'd said that he didn't need the fame, that being her guitar player and songwriting partner was enough. But she'd sometimes wondered if that was really true. If somewhere deep down inside he regretted not getting the chance. Over time she'd put it out of her mind, concentrating on what they did together. If she was honest, though, this new development threw a curveball and she found herself having a hard time reconciling it. His label wanted him to do a tour, much like the ones they'd done early in her career. He'd gone out after Halloween on a van tour of the southeast, with a short break for Thanksgiving. He had wanted her to come with him, but she was doing preplanning for her own album that she hoped to drop in conjunction with her tour, one that she would likely have to do without many songs they wrote together. She did her best, but traveling like that with a toddler, on top of her other commitments, made it difficult. When she couldn't go, she worried. He called her every night, but she worried until he was home again. She knew he sensed some of her tension and it had led to heated words between them at times. It just wasn't ideal.
It was when he was home for Christmas that some of what their future might look like began to crystallize.
Deacon
He'd just gotten off the phone with his label and he found Rayna in Maddie's room. "Guess what, baby," he said.
She had Maddie in her lap and was reading her a book when he came in. It was time for Maddie's nap and their routine included reading to her. "What?"
"Whassa big news, Daddy?" Maddie would be 3 in a few months. She'd developed a quirky little personality and had a pretty expansive command of vocabulary for an almost 3 year old.
"They want me to extend my tour through April and then it looks like I might get to hop on a bigger tour this summer. Not the whole summer, but for like 6 weeks. Being an opener for the opener. First step."
Rayna frowned. "But what about our tour? And our record?"
He felt a brief irritation. His album wasn't selling as well as he'd hoped just yet, but he was getting good buzz at the shows he was doing. Plus if he was being considered for an opener slot, it would get his profile out there. Hopefully an uptick in record sales would follow, along with radio play. He knew, from his experience with Rayna, that if he didn't go all in, it wouldn't happen. "I'll be there for the first part of the tour and then the end. But this is a big deal, Ray. You know that."
"What am I supposed to do about a lead guitar player when you're not there? And my album. How am I going to do that if you're not here?"
"You don't gotta have me. I'll find you a good guitar player to fill in. Hell, maybe Luke Wheeler'd wanna help you out." It had been a long time since the days when he spent most of his time drunk and was unreliable and undependable. One night Luke had offered to fill in when Rayna couldn't find him. It had pissed him off because he knew Luke had a thing for her.
"That's not funny, Deacon."
"I'm not being funny, Ray. You know he was always itching to spend time with you and be your hero." He knew he was being an ass about that, but he'd never really completely gotten past it.
She got up from the chair, putting Maddie down and tossing the book in the chair. "You're being ridiculous, Deacon." She huffed. "You know I want to support you and I'm so happy you're getting to do this, but you still have a commitment to me."
"Rayna, if I don't do this, I might never get another shot. Is that what you want? Or is it that you don't wanna share the spotlight?" He had sensed that she was concerned that this was taking away from her career, but they had a large enough band now that she would be covered. It also made him wonder if she really was happy he'd gotten this chance. It could mean their careers might diverge at some point and he wondered what she really thought about that.
She glared at him and then stormed out of the room without saying anything. After a moment, he followed her, Maddie trailing behind him. He found her in the kitchen, filling the tea kettle with water. "What the hell, Rayna."
She looked at him sharply as she set the kettle on the stove and turned on the gas. "Watch your language," she said.
He looked behind him to see Maddie watching them with great interest. He considered that they probably needed to postpone this, but he couldn't let it go. He looked back at her. "I'm sorry, but I don't get why you're so mad." He actually wasn't surprised she was only thinking about how this impacted her and it was getting under his skin.
She got a mug from the cabinet and then placed a teabag in it before looking at him. "You don't understand why I'm so mad? First of all, it's not a matter of being mad, Deacon, it's that this gets in the way of our tour and prep for our record. If you're not here we're not writing and I have to spend time listening to demos, which I may not have time to do. And yes, you could probably tap some other guitar player, but it's not the same as doing this with you."
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "If you'd come out with me more we could write then. If Bucky can get you demos, we can both listen to them then. It don't have to mess things up. And to be honest, it's your tour and your album." He put his hands flat on the island. "You knew I wanted this, Rayna. You said you understood how much this meant. But I guess it's only okay so long as it don't inconvenience you."
"I think you're just forgetting you are part of my band. An important part. And my writing partner. I understand that you want to do this. Need to do this. And I support that. But it shouldn't replace what we do together. Especially when you don't talk to me about it before agreeing to things like, oh, extending your tour." He could see that she was angry, but he felt like she wasn't considering what he needed. Even though she'd told him in the beginning that she would support what he needed.
He watched her pouring water in her mug. "So I guess you really don't want me to have a solo career then, is that right? I can't do nothing that gets in the way of the plans of the great Rayna Jaymes."
She stared at him for a second. "I can't do this with you," she said and then she stormed out of the kitchen. A few seconds later he heard the bedroom door slam.
He stood at the counter, his eyes closed. Ever since he'd gotten this deal it seemed like they were no longer on the same page. And it all revolved around what she wanted. Actually, she'd been excited for him in the beginning, but once it became a reality he'd sensed less enthusiasm from her. He breathed in deeply. He turned around then and saw Maddie, her eyes wide, her mouth slightly open. "Oh baby, I'm so sorry," he murmured, picking her up and holding her close. When he realized she was shaking, he wanted to cry. "It's okay, baby. We're all okay."
"Mama mad?" Her little voice was muffled against his shirt.
He set her down on the counter and looked into her eyes. "No, baby. She's okay. She's just tired." He looked at her closely. "You tired?" Her nap time had seemed to have gotten lost in the shuffle and he hoped she'd go down okay. She nodded solemnly and he picked her back up and carried her into her room. He laid her down on her bed and sat next to her. "I promise if you take a nap, Mama and I will take you out to look at Christmas lights when it gets dark. Does that sound good?"
She nodded. "Yeah." Her voice still seemed a little sad but she rolled onto her side and he pulled her blanket up over her. He leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"Good nap, baby. I love you." He pulled the curtains closed and then walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. He breathed out, hoping that she fell asleep. Being Maddie's father had changed his life and he never wanted her to be sad. Then he slowly headed for his and Rayna's bedroom.
Rayna
She knew she was being selfish. And it really wasn't that her career was more important, but it was true that hers was more prominent. They would figure things out. She knew that. Deacon had been 3 years sober. She didn't feel like she should have to watch him all the time anymore. But it made her a little nervous when he was gone on his own and it made her wish she could travel with him more. It was what she'd liked about him being in her band – she knew what he was doing. It was probably not fair to him. It wasn't that she didn't trust him. She just wanted to be sure.
This had also all happened right when she'd wanted to talk to him about another baby. They had talked after Maddie was born about wanting to give her siblings, but there had been no timetable for it. The timing had seemed good and then he'd gotten this record deal and had gone out on tour. It didn't feel like good timing anymore and it made her wonder when it would be.
Her anger was beginning to dissipate as she lay on the bed. She heard the door open and stiffened just a little. He walked around and sat down on the bed next to her. When she looked at him she saw sadness in his eyes, not exactly what she'd expected. He sighed, then rubbed his face.
"We forgot Maddie was standing right here," he said finally, his voice filled with hurt.
She gasped and sat up. It was true. She hadn't even noticed their daughter when she'd stormed out of the kitchen. "Is she okay? Do I need to go see about her?"
He shook his head. "She's down for a nap. She was kind of shook up, but I told her it was okay. She was worried you were mad, but I told her you were just tired." He breathed in. "We can't argue like that anymore, Rayna. I'll just tell 'em I can't do an opening gig."
"No. I don't want you to do that. We'll figure things out. Like you said, someone can fill in." She put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry I got so upset. The last thing I want is for you to feel like you can't do this."
"Rayna, you know that being your guitar player and writing songs with you has been the best part of my life. Doing all this with you, building your career, it's been amazing. 'Cause we done it together. And I don't want to make it harder for you. But, you know, this is my chance. Maybe my only chance and I hate to not see where it goes." His face softened and he took her hands. "But I will, if that's what you want."
She shook her head. "It's not what I want, Deacon. I'll miss you, of course, but I know this is what you came to Nashville for." She leaned her head on his shoulder. "And I don't want our daughter to be scared. We'll figure it out."
He leaned over and kissed her, but something deep inside her still felt a little unsettled. She wondered if he felt it too. She wasn't at all sure it was just going to 'be okay'. They were both strong-willed people and this was something he clearly felt strongly about. She'd just have to make sure she wasn't an obstacle.
Deacon
He was the luckiest guy in the world. He would tell anyone that and in fact had told people that. Rayna Jaymes was the love of his life. He had definitely been the lucky one when he'd seen her at the Bluebird that long ago night. Being her partner as she rose to the top of country music had been his good fortune. He wasn't sure he'd ever have hit those same heights without her. He was well aware that interest in him as a solo artist was at least in part tied to the fact that he was Rayna's guy. Most of all, the fact that she had supported him for more than a decade while he'd figured out how to get sober and clean up his act was close to a miracle, but it spoke even more to the fact that he was loved by Rayna. She was his wife and they were parents to an adorable little girl. He couldn't have asked for more.
Except that he did want more. He'd always wanted more. He'd been happy as Rayna's guitar player, writing hit songs with her. For years it had been enough, because her success was his success. But he hadn't come to Nashville to be Rayna's sideman. He'd come to Nashville to be a songwriter and an artist. In the very beginning, he and Rayna had dreamed of being a duo, but as time went on, it became clear she was the star. She would always be the star.
When Belcourt Records had come to him with an offer of a record deal, he'd jumped at the opportunity. Rayna had been supportive and she'd asked Bucky and Watty to make sure he was getting a good deal. Belcourt was no Edgehill though. Edgehill had started with humble beginnings, hanging their hat on Rayna. As she grew Edgehill grew and they were now a major player on Music Row, with Rayna benefitting from that. Belcourt had a smaller stable of artists – the ones who opened for people like Rayna or could maybe headline mid-level tours. It had always been their niche and they had been successful with it. They'd been around longer than Edgehill, but without the high profile.
He'd combed his own catalog of songs for the ones that had the most meaning for him, outside of the music he and Rayna had written. The record included two of his favorites – Been and Gone and the song he'd written about Rayna the first time he'd ever seen her, A Life That's Good. It was a 7 song record and he was proud of it. Not that he wanted to trade on Rayna's fame, but he'd hoped that his partnership with her would be a reason for people to listen and for radio to put some of his songs in their rotation. It could give him that edge he needed. Rayna's records went multi-platinum. His had not gotten as much attention, despite Belcourt's efforts to promote it. The van tours were to help improve sales but he'd hardly made a dent in the boxes of CD's he took on tour with him. Audiences seemed to like his music but not enough to buy the CD. It wasn't Rayna's fault at all, but he found himself feeling resentful of her success and a little pissed it hadn't rubbed off at least a little on him, just to give him an initial bump.
She and Maddie had come out on the road with him for a few days at a time, but she'd just finished her own tour and she and Maddie were both a little road weary by then. It felt like she didn't remember what it was like back in the early days of her own career, how they were always at one place or another, playing multiple nights every week. She didn't have to do that anymore. Most of her shows were on weekends, giving them time to be back in Nashville more often. He would be gone for weeks at a time with a few days here and there to get back home.
But Christmas had come and gone and he'd be heading back out on the road in just a few days. He could tell Rayna wasn't thrilled, although she hadn't said that. She still put a smile on her face and told him how proud she was of him, but she'd told him she was thinking she might have to push back her album. He was sure she blamed him for that.
He loved her. He couldn't imagine loving anyone else but her. But he knew his alcoholism had caused her to be in the dominant position in their relationship for so long that it seemed like it was an obstacle he couldn't overcome. He didn't want to be angry at her or feel marginalized by her, but he sometimes did. It felt like she was only happy for him and his solo career as long as it wasn't going to cause a problem for her. It was a hard place to be. He knew he could give it all up and go back to just being her sideman and everything would go back to the way it was.
But he wasn't really sure that's what he wanted – or needed – to do.
Rayna
She sometimes felt like she was walking on eggshells. She knew Deacon thought she was blaming him for considering pushing back her album and for worrying about a fill in guitar player during his absence. Maybe it was all those years when she was the only one in control in their relationship. She hadn't wanted it to be that way, but he was just not in a position to hold them up or keep things together.
The truth was that she was happy for his opportunity to be a solo artist. There was no one who deserved it more. That it created obstacles to overcome was nothing that couldn't be worked out, she told herself. They hadn't had time to do a lot of writing and wouldn't at this point. She didn't want to listen to a bunch of demos and try to come up with a cohesive record to release. She'd push it back and she was okay with that, because she wanted it to be great and that meant she needed Deacon. Her most recent records – Big Open Sky and Until You Kissed Me – had been huge hits and she didn't want to put out a follow up that wouldn't live up to them. And yes, having to work with another guitar player while Deacon opened on a major tour made her nervous, but she'd done it before. She would never consider holding him back. She wanted him to follow his dreams. She just seemed to be struggling getting him to believe that. Or maybe it was that she was struggling to get herself to believe that.
It was New Year's Eve and Maddie was in bed and they were taking down all the Christmas decorations. They had always done that, but this year Deacon was being a little stubborn about it. "I don't understand why we gotta do this," he grumbled, even as he took down the stockings and put them in one of the boxes he'd dragged out from the spare room. "Maddie's gonna be disappointed."
She was taking ornaments off the tree and putting them in their boxes. She stopped and looked at him. "Deacon, Maddie's not even 3. I think she'll be fine. But you're getting ready to go back out on tour and it would be good to have all this done before you go."
"But you're not coming right away, so why can't we just leave it all up for a little longer?"
She sighed. "I've got some meetings to get the tour set up. Then Maddie and I will come out for a few weeks. I don't want to do it all on my own. And I'm also going to need to get things organized for the move." They had made a decision to move to a house that gave them a little more privacy. She'd had to do most of the looking, just taking him to look at the top 3 houses. He'd been a little stubborn about that and so she'd offered to take him to more houses. But he acted petulant, saying he wouldn't be home and wondered if they couldn't just wait. Especially in light of the fact that she would be going out on tour herself, it would mean waiting until the end of the following year and she didn't want to do that. They'd argued about it, but at the last house they saw he told her to just pick whatever she wanted.
He put his hands on his hips and huffed. "Well, I guess I should be grateful y'all are at least coming out for a few weeks."
She stopped what she was doing and frowned. "I thought you were okay with the schedule we worked out. We still have rehearsals before my tour starts."
He just shook his head and went back to packing up the decorations. After a minute, she turned her back and kept working on the ornaments.
When midnight rolled around, the tension seemed to ease a bit as he kissed her and then they had headed for bed. Their lovemaking had been sweet and tender and she thought things had gone back to normal. Feeling his skin against hers, his mouth commanding hers, and the feeling of oneness she had when their bodies were joined had left her with a feeling of bliss. But then he turned on his side with his back to her. Goodnight was all he said. She laid there, feeling bewildered, until she heard his rhythmic, even breathing that signaled he was asleep. They'd never just turned away from each other and it had felt almost dismissive, as though the irritation of earlier in the evening hadn't actually gone away.
She'd felt it ever since, that almost imperceptible pulling away. It wasn't so obvious – or frequent – that she thought they were in trouble, but it was sometimes unsettling. She wondered if it was just that it was a different emotion from the earlier years. When Deacon was still drinking, she had to be in charge and her emotions would range from despair to hopelessness to fear to anger to isolation to having no emotion at all. This was different because Deacon was in a stronger place. He wasn't drinking, he seemed happy – no, he was happy, she was sure of it – and he was in a position to set his own course. Did he resent her for all that had come before? She couldn't just put her life aside to be a road wife. It wasn't that she didn't want to be there for him, it was that she had other responsibilities, not even including Maddie. Is that it? Or am I being too demanding? Selfish? Or am I worried he'll fall back into old patterns when I'm not there to stop him? She couldn't shake the thought that it was the latter most of all.
Deacon
He was in the bedroom packing his duffle bags. Rayna was sitting on the bed, holding Maddie on her lap. He would be leaving in the morning. He would drive to Little Rock, then hit locations in Oklahoma and Texas before coming back to Nashville. He'd be gone for 3 weeks and he was already feeling a little lonely.
"Daddy, where you going?" Maddie asked.
He looked at her and smiled. She was a pretty little girl. He thought she looked like Rayna, Rayna thought she looked like him. Didn't really matter either way because in his eyes Maddie was perfect. Her dark brown hair was almost to her shoulders and Rayna had pulled it over to the side with a glittery barrette that Maddie loved. Her skin was creamy and still baby soft, her eyes as blue as the ocean. "I'm going on a tour, baby girl. Like what mama does," he said.
"To where?"
"All over."
"Can I come?"
He flicked his eyes at Rayna. He was still a little disappointed she wasn't coming with him, but she had promised she and Maddie would come with him on the next leg. She couldn't – or wouldn't – commit to more until she knew how rehearsals for her tour would be scheduled. He would miss most of that, but he wasn't worried. He and Rayna had written most of what they performed and, since she wouldn't have a new record, there would be nothing new for him to learn. "Not this time, baby. You gotta stay here with Mama. But soon." He stared hard at Rayna and, after a second, she looked away.
Maddie looked like she might cry and Rayna leaned down. "He'll be home before you know it, sweetie. And then we'll go with him. Is that okay?" Maddie still looked a little glum, but she nodded.
He would miss her. Not that he wouldn't miss Rayna, but he thought he needed a little space. But his baby girl – she was the apple of his eye. He'd promised Rayna he would stay sober and he'd done that, all for Maddie. Getting to see his little girl growing up had been more than he could have dreamed of. When she was a baby, he'd done all the things Rayna had taught him to do, and as she got older, he would take her to the park, sing to her, sit on the floor and play with her. She was the light of his life and he was grateful to Rayna for giving him the chance.
He sat down next to Rayna and looked at Maddie. "That's right. Your mama has some things she needs to do here and she needs you to keep her company." He looked at Rayna and she seemed to give him a grateful glance. He looked back at Maddie. "I'll be so busy too. We wouldn't be able to have any fun."
Maddie sighed. "Okay." He held his hands out for her and she let him take her. He held her close, his eyes closed, just breathing in the smell of her hair. Her little arms were wrapped around his neck and he held her a little tighter.
Later that night, when he came into the bedroom, Rayna was sitting on the bed rubbing lotion on her arms and legs. "Hey," he said.
"Hey. So, um, thanks for what you said earlier. To Maddie."
"Ain't nothing." He sighed. "I know you got stuff to take care of. It's just that I'll miss you and Maddie."
She gave him a soft smile. "We'll miss you too."
He nodded, then went into the bathroom and quickly brushed his teeth. He'd wait to shower until in the morning. When he came back into the room, Rayna was under the covers. He lifted them up on his side and slid in beside her. He laid on his side facing her and she turned to face him. "I know this has been hard and I get that it makes things more complicated for you with the tour."
She reached out and pushed his hair back from his forehead. "I want this for you, babe. Sometimes I think you don't believe that."
"I do," he said. He did, but he also knew that it was a complication. And that for all the supportive language, it was also an inconvenience for her. He couldn't help but believe there was at least some resentment. He decided not to focus on it right then, because he was leaving in the morning and he would miss her and wanted to show her.
He turned out the bedside light and then slid his hand under the covers, his fingers finding the waistband of her pajama pants. She made a little noise that he recognized as her anticipating sex and wanting it. He slid his hand inside the waistband and farther down. As he put two fingers inside her, he kissed her and she moaned appreciatively. After a few minutes, they undressed, finding each other again. He took her in his arms and kissed her, wanting to let this play out for a bit. When he could finally not wait any longer, he moved over her and thrust himself into her. He moaned too as he felt her close around him, warm and wet.
Their lives together had been a mix of ups and downs, hard times and good times. There were times when he came close to hating her, but that was only when he was at his worst. But no matter what, these were the times when everything was stripped down to the raw basics, the intimacy they shared that lifted them up even through the darkest of times. He hoped he never took for granted the feel of her skin against his, the way her lips felt on his, the taste of her mouth, her smell, and most of all, how she took him in time after time and made him feel so very loved.
Rayna
She was standing by the door, with Maddie on her hip. Deacon walked out of the bedroom with his duffle bags and set them down next to the door. He'd already taken out his guitars, so these would be the last things for him to take out and then he'd be gone. The night before had been perfect. It felt like everything was right in their world. She'd slept all night in his arms and then they'd made love again in the early morning hours. He reached for Maddie, taking her in his arms.
"You gonna be good for your mama while I'm gone?" he asked, glancing at her for a moment.
Maddie nodded solemnly. "Yes," she said.
"I'll be home before you know it. And I'll call you as often as I can, okay?"
"Okay."
He handed Maddie back. "I'll call you when I get there."
She nodded. "That would be great."
He brushed her lips with his. "Well, guess I'll get going. And I'll see y'all in about 3 weeks." She nodded. He breathed in and gave her a quick smile. Then he picked up his bags and walked out of the house. She stood at the door and watched as he headed down the steps and out to his truck. As she watched him drive away, she realized that once he'd left the house, he'd never looked back.
Deacon had been gone for a little over a week. He called most nights after he finished his set, but a couple of times had called before so he could talk to Maddie. She would smile as she watched Maddie hold her phone to her ear and look so serious as she talked to her father. She'd made the right decision by giving Deacon another chance, telling him about their daughter. He'd been a great father once he'd gotten the hang of it. He'd been nervous at first and a little skittish and she'd felt like she had to do everything. She had to admit she had been nervous too, but more about the weight of it all on his shoulders than her own new mom jitters. They'd finally had a more honest talk about it and she thought that was when both of them felt like they had settled more into their parenting partnership.
She really needed to get out of the house. She felt like she'd had no time to herself since Maddie was born. Deacon helped out, of course, but she felt like she needed to supervise. She'd struggled with admitting to herself that she was afraid of what could happen. Although technically Deacon had been sober for a year, 3 months of that time had been spent in rehab and then the months after when she'd still just been pregnant. Maddie was mostly a good baby, but she certainly had her moments, and that's when she would see a little nervousness, even fear, in Deacon's eyes. It was the kind of look he'd get, back when he was drinking, that she'd come to learn meant his demons were chasing him. When things were stressful or a lot was expected of him were often times when he found it hard to stay focused and he'd end up drunk or gone and usually both.
Tandy had wanted to meet for lunch and she really wanted to see her sister too. Actually Tandy had asked several times, but she'd told her she couldn't. It wasn't true, but she was very hesitant to leave Deacon alone with Maddie even for just a couple hours. She finally agreed to do it and Deacon told her over and over that he could manage. That morning, though, Maddie had been extra fussy and she'd thought about cancelling. Deacon had encouraged her though and, even though she still felt nervous about it, she had gone.
She ended up coming home a little sooner than she'd planned because she was so anxious. "Deacon?" she called out as she walked through the door. She was met with silence. She felt her heart beating hard and her hands were shaking a little, especially when she saw that Maddie was gone too. She ran out onto the porch, looking for Deacon's truck, but it was not there. She felt a sense of sheer terror and had no idea what to do or where to even start looking. She ran back into the house and called Cole to see if he'd seen him. She tried not to alarm him, but she knew her anxiety came through over the phone.
"Did he leave a note?" Cole asked.
"No. Nothing. He doesn't do this, Cole, and it worries me. Maddie was cranky this morning and if she woke up and was still cranky, or worse, who knows how it might have made him feel."
"Rayna, I can't believe he'd take Maddie and go to a bar."
"How do you know?"
"Rayna, he seems happy to be a dad. Maybe he ran out to the store or something."
She made an angry noise. "I guess I'll just have to figure this out myself. If you hear from him, let me know." She disconnected without waiting for a reply. She was pacing the house, wracking her brain trying to think of where she needed to look when she heard noise out on the porch. She raced to the door to see Deacon climbing the steps with Maddie's stroller. With Maddie in it. He looked at her and then frowned slightly and she knew she must have looked as frantic as she felt.
"I didn't think you'd be back yet," he said. She felt a mix of gratitude and anxiety and couldn't speak. "She was crying and unhappy and I finally took her to the park." He sounded testy. He pushed the stroller towards the door and she moved out of the way. She watched as he stopped and picked Maddie up gently, then carried her back to her nursery. When he came back, he looked both angry and hurt. "You think I just took off with her?" he asked.
"No, of course not. But you didn't leave a note or anything..."
"I didn't think you'd come home early. Did you think I couldn't handle it?"
She took a deep breath to calm herself. "So you said you took her to the park?" she asked, trying to move the conversation in a different direction.
He still looked angry, but then he seemed to calm down himself. "Yeah. She woke up screaming and everything. I changed her. I tried feeding her but she wouldn't take much. I walked around with her. She started to calm down so I put her back down and she cried some more, so I remembered we took her out in the truck one time to calm her down, so I thought I'd do that. Took her to the park, see if that helped. And it did."
"It did?"
He nodded. "She settled down on the drive, like before. And we sat on a bench near the parking lot. I took my guitar and played some for her. Seemed like she really liked that. And when she fell asleep, I came home." He ran one hand over his mouth. "I can do this, Ray. You don't have to be afraid. I did all the things you do."
She felt a lump in her throat and she reached for his hand, leading him to the couch. They sat and she squeezed his hand. "I'm so sorry if I made you think I didn't think you could do that."
"I know this is a big deal, Rayna. I want to do this right though. I did everything you do. It just hurt my heart to hear my baby cry." He pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the forehead. "I know you're scared that it could be too much."
She looked up at him. "No, I don't think that."
He smiled. "Yeah, you do. But I promised you I'd do this. It is a little scary, 'cause she's so little, but if I don't just get in there and take care of her, well, I won't ever learn. I don't want you doing all of it or feeling like you gotta do all of it. First, it's too much, and second, 'cause I want to really be her daddy. Someone she can count on."
She felt the tears streaming down her cheeks as she smiled at him. "I think she can count on you, babe. And I can count on you too."
He brushed the tears from her cheeks. "So you ain't worried now?"
"Well, I think I'll still worry, but it's because it's a lot to take care of an infant. It is for me too and sometimes it feels very overwhelming. But I know that all I really need to do is just love her. It'll work out. And that's all you need to do too."
"I promise I'll let you know if I need help."
"I think you'll be fine." She glanced towards the nursery, then back at him. "How long has she been asleep?"
He shrugged. "Maybe a half hour? Or a little more?"
She smiled and stood up, reaching for his hand. "I think we should take advantage of that, don't you?"
He stood up and took her in his arms, kissing her. "Yeah, I think we should," he said with a wink and they headed for the bedroom.
He'd gotten better as time went on and they had learned a lot together. She didn't really worry so much anymore, even though she knew nothing was ever certain. She trusted him though and knew how much he loved Maddie. She felt sure he would let her know if he felt shaky at all. She couldn't let her guard down completely though, something she never wanted to say to him. It wasn't that she didn't believe in him or have faith in him, but she'd lived with him through a decade of hell and she knew nothing was guaranteed.