A/N: I appreciate everyone who is reading this and also those who leave such really thoughtful reviews. This story has really just absorbed me, and I've spent so much free time working on it – sometimes to the detriment of other things I probably really should be working on instead – and so hearing how you feel about it has been encouraging. I've written ahead so you'll probably see more frequent chapter posting. When I started this, I was hoping to explore a different kind of story for Deacon and Rayna and I feel like I've done that. I hope you'll stay with it to see how it ends.
Rayna
Deacon had been gone for 5 days. She was trying not to be worried. Maddie kept asking where he was, and she was running out of answers to give her. She had thought about driving up to the cabin, but she knew that would just make him angry. He hadn't wanted her to go in the first place and would probably not be happy to see her there. She had finally called Cole, hoping to get some sense that everything would be okay.
"Hey, Cole," she said when he answered.
"Hey, Rayna. What's going on?"
"Well, so Deacon went up to the cabin to write. I suggested that Maddie and I go too but he wanted to go alone. And, you know, there's no phone service there and we never put a regular phone line in and I'm just really nervous about it."
"Do you want me to go check on him?"
"No, no. I think that would just make him angry. I guess what I want to know is if you feel like he's okay. I mean, he's been sober for 4 years now. Do you think it's likely he might...you know."
"Fall off the wagon?" He sighed. "It can happen to any of us. But what I do know is that Deacon loves you and Maddie, and it's been really important to him to be Maddie's father. He knows the stakes." He paused. "Did he typically drink a lot when he wrote?"
She thought about that. "Not often. It was always the thing that seemed to keep him from doing that. It's hard to write when you're drunk. And he doesn't seem like he would go back to it, but, well, things have been tough for us with, you know, the separate tours and I feel like I just am not as in tune with him as I used to be."
"I think you have to trust him, Rayna. Until you actually have a reason not to."
She supposed Cole was right, but it was tough. She felt like she didn't know what was going on in her own life. Maddie was in her room, and she walked up the stairs and stood in the doorway. This had all been tough on their daughter too, with Deacon's frequent absences. Maddie was playing with her stuffed animals and looked up. "What's going on?" she asked her daughter.
"Everybody is going to a show," Maddie said. "They're getting ready."
She smiled and took a few steps into the room. "Are they getting dressed up?"
Maddie nodded. "Yes."
She hesitated. "Well, I was wondering if you might want to go to the park with me." She felt like she needed to get out of the house.
Maddie made a face. "No, it's cold."
"You sure? Or maybe watch a movie?"
Maddie shook her head and sighed. "We have to go to the show."
She held up her hands then. "Okay, I guess I'll let y'all get ready then. I'll be downstairs though if you change your mind."
"I won't." Sometimes Maddie seemed so much older than 3, almost 4. She stood there for another moment, then turned and went back downstairs.
When she got to the kitchen, she put water on to heat for tea. She got a mug and a tea bag and waited for the water to heat up. She was at loose ends. She'd tried to write – Deacon had told her she didn't have to wait for him, that she could write on her own – but she had sat just doodling in her notebook. Maddie kept asking about Deacon and all her efforts to distract the little girl weren't working very well. The tea pot whistled, and she plucked it off the stove and poured water into the mug, then waited for the tea to steep. While she waited her phone rang. She walked down to the end of the island and picked it up. It was Deacon.
She smiled as she answered, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief. "Hey, babe," she said.
"Hey. I wanted to let you know I'm on my way home. I'm about to cross the state line and wanted to let you know." Cell service was sparse in the rural part of Kentucky where the cabin was located and non-existent at the cabin itself.
"I've missed you. Maddie's missed you."
"I've missed y'all too."
"Did you get some good writing done?"
"I did." He paused. "We can talk about it when I get home. I want to go ahead and get back on the road."
"Oh, okay. Look forward to seeing what you've done. Can't wait for you to get here."
"Me too. See you soon." And then he disconnected.
Deacon
After he called Rayna, he called Rita. "I wanted to let you know I got 8 songs finished," he said, after she answered.
"That's probably not going to be enough, but it's a good start. I'll book some studio time to record demos. Probably after the first of the year though before we can get in. In the meantime, you should keep writing."
He closed his eyes briefly. One thing Rita didn't seem to understand was the creative process. Songwriting wasn't just like flipping a switch. While he was happy with what he'd written, it had taken a lot out of him. He wasn't really used to putting out songs like he was on a factory line. "I can do that," he said. He'd learned it didn't help to disagree with her.
"I've been looking at venues where you can try some of the new material out. We can start at the Bluebird. Are you still doing your regular show?"
"When I'm off the road, I do, but it ain't been as frequent in the past year. I can check though."
"Do that. I'm going to check with some of the other places around Nashville too, but then get you out across the state and maybe a little beyond. It'll be good to work through any potential issues before you head out with Luke. He'll have his tour schedule pretty lined up by mid-January, so you'll know what that looks like."
"Sounds great." He knew he should be more excited about that, but he wasn't sure what a whole tour season would be like with Luke. 2 months had been fine, but this would be a lot more Luke drama. Plus he still had to deal with Rayna. "Look, I'm heading home, and I'd like to get there before dark, so need to get on the road."
"Alright. Safe travels. I'll catch up with you next week." And she was gone. He thought he'd been lucky that Rita had sought him out. She definitely took her work seriously and was constantly looking out for him. He knew she managed some other artists, but he felt like he got a lot of her time. As he thought back, he remembered it had been the same with Bucky. To the best of his recollection, it was about 3 years in before Bucky became full time with Rayna. Rita wasn't as personable and down to earth as Bucky, but she was just as driven. She pushed him too which, when he reflected on it, was probably a good thing.
He started the truck and eased back onto the on ramp and the highway leading back to Nashville.
When he walked in the back door, the house was quiet. He knew Rayna was home, because her car was outside, and wondered where she was. He started for the stairs, to take his duffle up to his closet, when she came jogging down the hall from the direction of the music room. He stopped and dropped the duffle, then reached for her as she walked towards his embrace. He breathed in deeply, catching the flowery scent of her shampoo, tangling his fingers in her hair. He pulled his head back and looked down into her eyes, then kissed her. She seemed to cling to him, touching his lower lip with her tongue. He opened his mouth and kissed her deeply. After several moments he finally stepped back and smiled down at her.
"I guess you missed me, huh?" he said, his thumb caressing her cheek.
"Yeah, you could say that," she responded.
"Where's Maddie?"
"She's taking a nap. She was a little late going down today." She smirked. "Stuffed animal business." She put her hands on his chest. "How about a private welcome home?"
He smiled. "I think I'd like that." They turned towards the stairs, arms around each other, and headed upstairs.
As he held her in his arms afterwards, he couldn't help but think about what the future could hold. He loved her. He loved this. But he needed so much more.
Rayna
There was nothing better, in her opinion, than being in his arms. She thought back to the night she'd shown up at his apartment and he'd taken her in. She'd been scared, angry, hurt, and determined. He'd wrapped her up in his arms and told her it would be okay, that he would be there for her. She'd thought then that it was where she always wanted to be. Every time something momentous happened, he was there. She thought about all the times she would look up and see his eyes on her, telegraphing all his feelings for her. Sitting together on the couch, sitting in the nosebleed seats at an arena, sitting next to each other on the porch at the cabin. Dancing to the radio, even though he thought he couldn't dance a lick. All the times he'd reach for her hand, and she'd look at him and see all the love he felt. Which always came back full circle to being in his arms.
She was laying with her head on his chest. He had one arm wrapped around her shoulder and his other hand stroking her arm ever so gently. His legs were tangled up with hers. It was that feeling of bliss after coming together. The feeling of intimacy that filled her heart with love. She traced a heart on his abdomen, then looked up at him.
"I missed you," she said. "I missed this."
He smiled. "Me too." He kissed her on the forehead, then looked at her intently. "I hope you know I'll always love you."
She sensed there might be something more to that statement, but she shook it off, deciding not to let her imagination run wild. She nodded. "I do. And I'll always love you."
He looked like he had something on his mind, and she waited. Finally, he looked at her. "I know you didn't want me going to the cabin on my own..."
She shook her head. "I wasn't worried about you, Deacon."
"Okay, but you didn't want me to go. It was important though, Rayna. Remember how it was back when you were starting out. It was tough to even think about turning anything down back then. Do you remember?"
That had been a long time ago, but she did remember. "I do."
"We're not on the same track anymore, Ray. I'm doing all those things you did 10 years ago, and I want to do them."
She sighed. "I know you do, but..."
He frowned. "No but." He took a deep breath. "Thing is, I decided I'm gonna do all those things. It ain't something I just decided, but being at the cabin, writing on my own, just reminded me what I'm trying to do. I don't want this to stand between us, so I just need you to understand." He looked at her and she knew he wanted some kind of answer.
"I'm trying."
He was silent for a moment. "Try harder," he said, and then he let her go and turned to get out of the bed.
She reached for his arm. "Deacon," she said. He turned back to look at her. "Everything is different. I'm having to adjust. It's not easy." She could see a twitch in his jaw.
"But I been doing this for a year now. And I'm making progress. And it feels like you're still stuck back in the beginning." He looked down. "I don't wanna fight all the time, Rayna."
"I don't think we fight all the time." She paused. "Do we?"
He looked at her, a sadness in his eyes. "Feels like it," he whispered. Then he got up and headed for his closet.
She got out of bed and quickly pulled her clothes back on. When he came out of the closet, she stood at the end of the bed. "We've always fought, Deacon. Not all the time, but we're passionate people and we've been on opposite sides lots of times. What's different now?"
He stopped and looked at her. "You know, most of the time we figure stuff out because we're on the same side, just different perspectives. What's different is that now it feels like we're not. This is me, wanting my own career, and you not wanting me to. At least unless it's on your terms."
"Deacon, that's not true," she protested.
"Rayna, I've made my position pretty clear, I think. I want to see if I can have that solo career I came here for. I need to be able to do whatever it takes to see where it leads me. And that doesn't seem to line up with your expectations. I'm not doing this to you. I'm doing it for me." He sighed. "I'm gonna see if Maddie's ready to get up. I've missed her too." And with that, he walked out of the bedroom, leaving her watching him, trying to figure out what to do next.
Deacon
He felt bad. He didn't want to hurt Rayna, but he felt like he needed to be honest with her. For most of their lives together, she had been in the driver's seat. She was that kind of personality, driven and always confident about where she was headed. His life was never as neatly organized as hers. He'd fought a lot of battles throughout his life and often felt like he was on the outside looking in. No matter how much he tried, he couldn't quite get over the hump. Meeting Rayna had been a revelation. Even though she was younger than him – and just 16 at that – she always seemed like the adult in their relationship. Were there times when that was hard to deal with? Of course. But he loved her and that meant more. The music they wrote and performed together was such an expression of who they were in their lives together. He never doubted that she wanted him there with her. He never doubted her love for him.
But it was hard being the guy in Rayna Jaymes' life. He often told himself that a lot of that had to do with his drinking, but the truth was that it didn't really change once he got – and stayed – sober. She made the decisions, like she always had. Truthfully, the way someone from her background would expect to do. It was understood that he would have a little bit of time before he'd need to give in to what she wanted. He was lucky in so many ways to be that guy in her life, and he'd been able to live with most of it, but now things were different. When he had gotten the record deal with Belcourt it had changed the dynamic and he could see how conflicted she was with it still. That was the part that bothered him the most, the fact that she'd had a year to reconcile herself with the changes and, it seemed, simply could not.
It was the holidays though. A little over 2 weeks until Christmas and he didn't want to spoil it for Maddie. So he threw himself into all of Rayna's preparations, including riding around the city looking at Christmas lights and going to festivities designed for kids. He truly enjoyed watching Maddie's face when she exclaimed over the lights or when she got to see Christmas plays or participate in sleigh rides for kids. She loved dressing up and was out of her mind with excitement when Rayna and Tandy took her to see The Nutcracker. When she came home, she had snuggled in his lap and told him all about it, including that she wanted to be a fairy when she grew up.
It was that night, after Rayna finally got Maddie to go down for the night, that she brought up the idea of expanding their family. She had made hot chocolate and brought it around to where he was sitting on the couch. It had been a good couple of weeks, and he put his arm around her, pulling her in closer to him. She took a sip of her drink and then looked up at him.
"You know, I've been thinking. Maddie's going to be 4 in just a few months. We had talked in the past about wanting her to have a brother or sister and I was thinking maybe we could talk about what that would look like." He didn't say anything right away and she kept talking. "I think, especially if she had a sister, having them close enough in age to be able to be friends would be ideal. Tandy and I are 4 years apart and it was probably as far apart as I'd want." She looked at him with a question on her face.
"I don't know, Rayna," he said. "With all we got going on, you sure the timing's right?"
She leaned forward, putting her mug on the coffee table, then turning back to him. "It's not like we haven't talked about this before, Deacon," she said. He could hear the stubbornness in her voice.
"I know, Ray," he said. "But it wasn't like some specific time or anything. We both got tours coming up. How does that even work?"
"Well, depending on timing, maybe I don't tour this year."
"You sure that's what you wanna do? I thought you needed to have an album out next year." He paused. "And I'm not gonna be here."
She sat back, her hands in her lap, clasped together. "So, when then?" she asked, not looking at him.
He sighed. "I don't know. Do we gotta decide right this second? I mean, this is kind of a big conversation."
She looked at him then and he could see the set of her jaw and the irritation on her face. "I know it's a big conversation, Deacon. That's why I wanted to have it. And I think we should decide it now. We're getting older too, you know."
"Rayna, we ain't that old." That was true. They were both in their early 30s. "I just think, well, this is the first time you're bringing it up. It's a big decision."
She crossed her arms. "We have talked about it before, Deacon. It's not the first time. Are you saying you don't want to do it?"
He breathed in. "I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it ain't the time."
She frowned and huffed. Then she looked back at him. "I don't think there's ever the right time. Can't you just think about it? Instead of just dismissing it?"
He sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I can think about it."
"Well, that's all I ask." Then she pushed up from the couch and walked out of the den, heading for the stairs. He watched her, then sat back, rubbing his hand over his face. That had not gone well.
Rayna
Other than the discouraging conversation about having another baby, things with Deacon seemed relatively normal. He'd been in good spirits and seemed genuinely happy to be with her and Maddie. When she thought about Maddie, she was reminded how much he adored their daughter. It continued to confirm her decision to tell him about Maddie was the right one. They were thick as thieves, and she found herself hoping they always had a close relationship. She thought that as Maddie got older, and particularly in her teen years, things might not be as congenial as they were currently. That could be true with both her and Deacon, for that matter. She didn't have any experience of her own to compare, but she did remember Tandy going through a teenage phase before their mother had died.
The only other thing that seemed discouraging was Deacon's reluctance to share what he'd written at the cabin. He was somewhat vague, telling her that he really wanted to do the demos first to see if they had legs. They typically shared everything, but she wanted to be understanding about this and not push. He didn't write alone that often, since the two of them usually wrote together. She knew that many of his older songs, ones he'd written by himself, had dark themes, although they were often beautiful songs. She knew he hid a lot of his life before he'd met her. She knew enough, but she knew there were demons he hadn't wanted to share, and she believed that often came out in his music. She assumed maybe the new songs were more of that.
Since Christmas Day brought the annual family dinner at her father's house, along with all the stress and tension that went along with it, she was determined to have a low key, fun Christmas Eve with Maddie. She and Deacon had worked together to fix pancakes for breakfast, which Maddie loved. The batter was ready and Maddie was scurrying around the kitchen.
"You want blueberry or chocolate chip, sweet girl?" Deacon asked.
Maddie was wearing her Christmas pajamas and looked adorable. She stopped and looked like she was thinking about it. Then she laughed. "Chocolate chip, silly!" she exclaimed. She and Deacon looked at each other and smiled.
"Looks like it's chocolate chip, Daddy," she said to Deacon.
"Chocolate chip pancakes coming up," Deacon said. Maddie never chose anything other than chocolate chip, which was a good thing, since they didn't actually have any blueberries.
When the pancakes were ready, Deacon brought them over, including a plate for Maddie which included a whipped cream face. As always, Maddie was thrilled, and breakfast was a fun event for the three of them. After breakfast they all got dressed and drove to a nearby park where Maddie could play on the playground equipment. They ate hamburgers at one of the hole in the wall diners where she and Deacon used to share meals. And they did one last Christmas tree light tour. They put Maddie to bed together, reminding her that she needed to stay in bed in the morning until they came to get her. And after they had set up everything around the Christmas tree, they had walked hand in hand to their bedroom where they wrapped themselves up in each other's arms. It was, she thought later, the perfect day.
When she opened her eyes, it was still dark. She rolled onto her side, looking towards Deacon, who was still asleep. his breathing was slow and even. He was lying on his back, one hand on his chest and the other behind his head. It had been a hard year for them. She had mostly been successful at putting the difficult years before he got sober in the rearview mirror. Those years were hard too, although in a different way. This had been a year where she had felt like he was pulling away from her or trying to assert his independence and she knew she was trying too hard to hold him close. Some of that was because she was worried for him. He was doing something they both knew was fraught with disappointment. He'd already had some of that, although it had gotten better. But she knew so well how hard it could be to establish a career. In many respects, she'd had it harder, because women had a tougher time in the country music industry. But it didn't mean it was easy for a man, especially one who was closer to his mid-30s than his early 20s. It took a lot of work and a lot of effort, and it meant time away from home and family. When she was coming up and they were doing it together, it had helped to ease some of the pain of rejection and disappointment. They were a team, in every way possible. But now it felt like they weren't. It worried her.
If this had all happened when they were younger, they could have probably managed it better. But now they had a family and commitments and she struggled with how to reconcile all of that. He made a noise then and put his hands on his face, dragging them down. He turned his head and when he saw her looking at him, he gave her a sleepy smile. "Why are you awake?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "Just am."
He rolled onto his side, facing her. "You been awake long?"
She shook her head. "No, not long." She reached out and put her palm against his cheek. "I was just watching you sleep."
He took her hand and turned into it, kissing her palm. "Now I'm not asleep," he said.
She smiled. "No, you're not." She scooted a little closer to him. He let go of her hand and put his hand on the small of her back, pulling her closer until she was touching him. She could feel his skin against her breasts, his legs against hers, and his erection against her stomach. His hand trailed down from her back to her bottom, cupping her and pressing her closer. His face was mere inches from hers and she could feel his breath. She rested her hand on his arm and waited for him to kiss her.
He held her gaze as he seemed to press her even closer to him. Her whole body felt like it was on fire and she could feel herself getting wet. She was hungry for him, wanting to be even closer to him, wanting to feel him inside her. He let his lips brush hers, teasing her. She tried to capture them with her own, but he wouldn't let her. She could hear herself starting to breathe harder. His hand on her bottom started to gently move her against him. She moaned. He smiled. He brushed her lips again and this time she pressed hers against his, forcing him to really kiss her. He moved his hand and slid it between them, touching her. "God, Ray," he groaned.
He rolled her onto her back, hovering over her for just a moment. He nudged her legs apart with his knee, although she didn't really need any nudging. She was more than ready. He slid inside her in one long, powerful thrust and she gasped just a little as she adjusted to him. Then he lowered himself onto her and his lips crashed against hers as they came together hungrily, the sex hot and steamy. She came first, hard and fast, and he came just after her, growling her name against her shoulder. Then he collapsed in her arms, and they held each other tightly, breathing hard, their hearts beating wildly.
When they were finally breathing more normally, he raised his head and looked into her eyes. "I'll always love you, Ray," he said, his voice filled with emotion.
For a second she wondered again why he'd said it that way, but she whisked the thought away. "I love you, too, Deacon," she whispered.
He rolled away from her and put his hand on the back of her neck, leaning in to kiss her. The kiss was slow and sweet. It felt like there was something else there, something she couldn't quite put her finger on, but then he pulled away. He looked up and then over his shoulder and she noticed that it was getting light outside. He looked back at her and smiled. "I think we should get Maddie up, don't you?" he said. "I mean, it is Christmas morning."
Deacon
He watched Maddie as she opened her presents. She was almost 4 but she was very meticulous about unwrapping. She was sitting on the floor in front of Rayna as she carefully opened the box to a pair of brand new cowgirl boots. She squealed excitedly as she picked them up and held them out. "Boots!" she cried. "My boots!"
"Put 'em on, baby," he said. He looked over at Rayna and smiled. "I think they're a hit."
She smiled back and nodded. Maddie had wanted a pair of boots, 'just like Daddy's', so Rayna had gone out and found a pair of dark brown boots with no embellishment. She had wondered if Maddie might be disappointed that they were so plain, but she was standing up and he was holding her hand as she stepped into them, one at a time. She was beaming as she hopped back and forth. "Do you like them, sweet girl?" she asked.
Maddie nodded. "I love them!" She ran across the room and then ran back. "I have a big dream," she announced.
He and Rayna both laughed. "You do?" he asked. "What's your big dream?"
Maddie put her hands on her hips, her feet spaced apart. "I'm gonna be a guitar playing cowgirl, just like you," she said.
He raised his eyebrows. "Am I a cowgirl, sweetie?" he asked, smiling.
Maddie crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, maybe not. You're a cowboy!"
Rayna reached for his hand and squeezed it. "I guess she told you."
He smirked. "I guess so." He got up and walked into the kitchen, pouring himself another cup of coffee. He looked back towards the den and Rayna and Maddie on the floor around the Christmas tree. They tried to not overwhelm Maddie with gifts, not wanting her to get used to large piles of presents. They got her practical things, but also some things that got her excited, like the boots and a pretty dress Rayna had picked out.
He had tried hard to keep his frustration in check. They had been fighting more, especially since he'd come back from the cabin. She'd asked about the music he'd written, but he wasn't comfortable sharing it with her. He tried to deflect by telling her he wanted to work on it some more, but the truth was that it was different from what he normally wrote. It was about her, but not in a way she'd be happy about. She'd asked about the two of them writing together and he'd put her off, telling her he wanted to stay focused on writing his songs. That had been tough. He loved writing with her. Always had. But at that moment, he wasn't in the right frame of mind for it. She hadn't let it go though and he'd blown up, telling her he couldn't do it. But he wanted this time to feel special and so he'd tried to put those feelings aside.
The last couple days had been nice. They'd put aside their differences, without even discussing it, just knowing they needed some healing time. Holding her in his arms, making love to her, all of that had been such a balm for his soul, but he'd also known it was a temporary reprieve. He was feeling more and more annoyed at the ways in which he felt he had to give in to her. He didn't want to tell her that he'd already talked to Rita about a recording session as well as the 20 city tour he would be doing after the first of the year. It would be 7 weeks, leading up to rehearsals for Luke's tour. He didn't want to tell her how much he was looking forward to getting out again.
Things were at a breaking point. He'd never thought they would be in this place. But he'd lived under her control for too long and he was afraid that if he didn't make some move, he'd resent her forever.
Rayna
She sat on the edge of Maddie's bed, watching her daughter nap. She'd had a big couple days, with Christmas presents and stockings and Christmas dinner at her father's house, with more gifts from him and Tandy. She thought back to Maddie's first Christmas, when she wasn't old enough to understand the Christmas tree and stockings and presents. She and Deacon were still newly married, and he was still newly sober, and it had seemed like everything was moving in the right direction. And on that first Christmas, she'd felt blissfully happy. Even considering they'd had to spend time at her father's, it seemed like Maddie had smoothed that usually prickly situation over. Her father was enthralled with his granddaughter. I won't hold her father against her. They'd gotten past that stage now, but she had been determined not to let him ruin the day.
This year it had been a good day. Actually, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The first ones they'd had in a while, and she had hoped it meant they had turned a corner. She and Deacon had always fought, but then they'd always come back together. Things had been different in the past year. The fights had been angrier, the separation afterwards had felt harsher. He'd slept turned away from her many nights. They'd had sex Christmas night, but it hadn't felt the way it usually did. When she'd woken up that morning, he was not in the bed.
She laid there, thinking back over the last several weeks and then even beyond that. She'd felt it before, that Deacon was pulling away. She knew he blamed her for some of it – for a lot of it, truthfully – and she'd resisted that. If he'd talked to her about what was going on she would feel differently. She kept telling herself that, that it was just that he was making choices without discussing them with her. She was beginning to recognize the war within herself, however. The difficulty she was having with him not being part of her life in the way he had, since she was 16 years old.
She thought back to what Pam had said to her. I think you want to support Deacon trying for a career of his own, but I sense your heart's not completely in it. She didn't want to believe that. Deacon was the center of everything for her and she didn't want to think she would hold back on anything with him. It made her feel like she wasn't a good wife or a good partner. You really can't stay conflicted. I know you know that. She did know that. She hoped now that Christmas was over that they could really talk about what was next for the two of them and what the future looked like.
She gave Maddie a last look and then got up and walked to the door, closing it gently behind her. Then she headed for the stairs. When she walked into the kitchen, she saw Deacon sitting in the den. When she walked around the couch, she saw that he was reading. She sat down next to him and he looked up at her. "What are you reading?" she asked.
He closed the book on his finger and turned the cover towards her. It was obviously a western of some kind, with a cowboy on a horse on the cover backed by a brilliant sunset. "Something I picked up on the road." He gave her a quick smile. "Nights are long. Bus rides are long."
She nodded. "Yeah, they can be." She smiled. "I thought Maddie had a good couple days."
He marked his page in the book and set it down. "Yeah, she seemed like she enjoyed everything. Even her grandpa."
"Well, I consider it a blessing, you know? Daddy doesn't act as outrageous when Maddie's around." Deacon just nodded. She pressed her palms down on her thighs and pushed them forward down her legs. "So have you decided what you want to do after the first of the year?" She saw a twitch in his jaw.
"I thought we already talked about it. Rita's got a schedule lined up for me so I can try out the new material. Plus I'm gonna record those demos."
"You already have a schedule?" That surprised her and then she thought maybe it shouldn't have. He had developed a pattern of not telling her things.
"Yeah. I told you that was gonna happen."
"I just thought you'd share it with me first."
He turned a little towards her and frowned. "So you could approve it?"
She huffed. "No, Deacon. And you know what? I don't understand all this crap about me having to 'approve' something or 'give you permission'. Where is that coming from?"
He shook his head, looking a little exasperated. "Rayna, I told you before. You make all the decisions. It's always been like that. This is me making my own decisions."
"Deacon, I always ask you what you think. I always include you."
"Not really. Like I told you, it's really that I have a couple days to come around to your side. If I don't, it's not gonna go so good. I learned that a long time ago."
She breathed in and out, not wanting to overreact. "But aren't you doing it now? You're making decisions and not even involving me in them. It's like you've decided we're not a team anymore."
"If you're saying being a team means me going back to being your bandleader, then I guess we're not. But you knew that could happen – would happen – if this all started to come together. And it has. And you're not happy with that."
She swallowed hard. "It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm really not. I just, I guess, I miss us. I miss us together." She paused. "It feels like we're off track. Like we don't want the same things anymore."
He sighed. "Maybe we don't." He got up then. She was so taken aback by his comment that all she could do was watch him walk away, past the kitchen and down the hall towards the music room. I should follow him. We should talk about this. But she couldn't make herself move.
Deacon
He walked down to the music room. He entered the room and shut the door behind him. He looked around, his eyes landing on the awards Rayna had received, the plaques that celebrated the success of her albums. Gold records. Platinum records. Multi-platinum records. His guitars were there, but it was a shrine to her. He rubbed his hands over his face and breathed in. It felt like they were at a crossroads. Or maybe more accurately that he was at a crossroads.
He walked around and sprawled out on the couch. One of the things they'd planned for the room was to add a studio, which would make it a fully functioning space. Having somewhere to record would be a gift. This room was the space in the house that felt most comfortable to him. He felt at home in this room. Even though it wasn't built to be a music room, it had become one and, in turn, had developed a creative energy of its own. He sat up and reached over to the coffee table for his notebook. He opened it to a blank page and sat looking at it. Then he got up and picked out one of his guitars and sat back down.
His mind went back to the idea of being at a crossroads. It wasn't the first time he'd been at a place where he had to make a critical decision that would determine the trajectory of his life. The first time had been when he'd made the decision to leave Mississippi for good. Beverly was supposed to come with him, but at the last minute she'd backed out. He'd had a decision to make then. They had spent some time in Nashville, singing around town, and had decided that that was where they needed to go. He knew he didn't want to stay in Natchez, but he hated leaving his sister behind. In the end, he'd left and headed for Tennessee, looking for that better life.
The next decision point had been when he'd first connected with Rayna. That hadn't been a hard choice to make but it had forced him to put his own dreams on hold. Drinking and multiple trips to rehab had meant that the only choice he had was to continue down the path with Rayna. No one in the music business would have taken a chance on him then and he'd come to understand that. But then Belcourt had offered the opportunity he'd wanted back when he first came to Nashville.
It was one thing to record an album and put it out. To be a successful artist, though, he needed to do more. Which had started him on the path that led him to the current day. And now, to see it through, he had to separate from Rayna. He'd spent almost 15 years standing off to the side as Rayna made all the decisions in their lives together, whether personal or professional. She was comfortable with that and, he thought, had probably never wondered if he was okay with it.
So the crossroads now was probably the most important one of all. When he really thought about it, he felt like he'd been drowning all those years. He'd been in Rayna's shadow. It was time for him to step out and see where taking this path would lead. But it was more than that. He had a lot of complicated feelings about it, but he was beginning to believe he might need to break away in a very real way. There were considerations, of course. The fact that he loved Rayna and that he loved being a dad to Maddie. But he was afraid if he didn't take the next step, he would resent Rayna forever.
He picked up a pencil and wrote a line or two and then moved to the guitar. By the time he stopped, due to utter exhaustion, he had no idea what time it was. He put away his guitar and then stood at the door, his hand on the doorknob. After some hesitation, he went back and laid on the couch, pulling one of the throw pillows under his head. It didn't take long before he was asleep.