A/N: Just a quick note to let y'all know that I will be out of town for the holidays for about 10 days. I won't be in a place where I can write much, if any, so I probably won't update this story for a couple weeks.
Rayna
It was a hot and muggy July night in Houston. Even inside an arena, she had felt perspiration beading up along the back of her neck, down between her breasts and across her back. New Orleans, she knew, would not be much better. But after that they were headed for the West Coast and she was looking forward to that. Even in summer, if it was hot there were ocean breezes to help cut the mugginess. The transition was always a great time for a break, no more so than this particular year when she barely had a day off, much less several days in a row. She had made a reservation at a resort in Northern California, near San Francisco, high above the ocean. A few days alone to decompress and replenish. Her original plan was for Hannah to take Maddie and Levi to California, but she thought her nanny could use some time off as well. At 9 and almost 5, her children could be a handful, and she was so grateful to have had Hannah for all those years. She was hoping, even though it was last minute, that Deacon would be agreeable about taking them for the 5 days.
So, as she walked across the stage after her encore, she was trying to hurry. Deacon was usually one of the first off the stage these days, putting distance between them so that there was no time to talk. It had felt awkward and she'd felt bad about it. Ever since the exchange in Kansas City, things had been strained. Not what she wanted. He always seemed to be in a hurry to get away from her. Truthfully, at first she was okay with that. But she missed him, which had startled her. She missed spending a little time together with their kids. She missed talking to him after a show and hearing his thoughts. She missed the ease that seemed to be developing between them.
She could see him in front of her, striding down the hallway. She ran, as much as she could on her heels. Finally she had to call after him. "Hey, Deacon?" He stopped, then turned to face her. "Do you have a minute?" She walked up to him.
"Uh, yeah, sure," he said. "What's up?"
She pointed towards her dressing room. "Can we go in my dressing room?" He looked hesitant for a moment, but then he walked with her into the room. "So, I hate to just spring this on you last minute, but I wanted to give Hannah some time off during the transition and wondered if you might be able to take Maddie and Levi. I'm, uh, going off by myself for a few days."
He frowned. "Where you going?"
"Um, to a place up near San Francisco." She continued to look at him expectantly. "If you can't, I understand."
He shook his head. "No, no, I can do it. I was just planning on riding the bus to San Diego."
She smiled. "I think they'd love doing that with you." She reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Thank you."
"Where are you going?"
"It's a place in Big Sur. It's private but it overlooks the ocean." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I need to unwind. By myself."
He nodded. "Sure. Okay. Well, uh, I guess I'll get the kids Thursday morning then?"
She smiled. "They'll be ready."
He looked at her for a moment. "Okay, then. I'm gonna get going."
"Good night, Deacon."
"Good night, Rayna." Then he turned and walked out of her room into the noisy hallway.
The sun was on her shoulders and her hair was whipping in the wind as she sped down the highway along the Pacific Ocean to her destination. Almost as soon as the plane had taken off in New Orleans, she had felt a sense of relaxation start to flow through her. The past year had had its ups and downs and she was ready for some down time, even as short as this would be. Maddie and Levi had been over the moon about traveling on the band bus with Dad to California and she had to admit to a tweak of disappointment that they didn't seem bothered that she was going somewhere else. They loved their father, though, and even though they'd spent plenty of time riding in buses, this was different in their eyes. Plus they would have fun at the beach and the zoo and doing whatever else Deacon had planned for them. So she hadn't let it bother her much.
She had splurged on a convertible for the drive down the coast from the airport in San Francisco. It always surprised her how cool San Francisco often was, even in summer. It had been a slightly foggy arrival, but by the time she was 30 minutes or so from the airport the skies were blue and the sun was bright and warm. She had always loved driving out in the country. This wasn't exactly the country, but this part of the California coast was less developed, a bit wilder, so even though she was driving on a highway, she felt like she was letting go of the mantle of obligation and responsibility she carried always. It felt freeing. She breathed in deeply, catching a whiff of the ocean far below. She felt far away from everything she knew and she smiled.
The room was incredible, the view spectacular. She put her suitcase near the bed and then walked to the sliders and opened them, stepping out onto her private deck. She smelled the fresh air and felt the breeze. The resort was high above the ocean and the windows that faced it made it feel like she was on top of the world. She walked out to the rail and leaned against it, letting the sun beat down on her face as she closed her eyes and tilted her head up. A tiny part of her still felt bad for coming here alone and leaving her children, but they were with their father and perfectly happy.
Their father. Of all the things that had created such a jumbled year for her, he was near, if not at, the top of the list. She considered that up until she got snowed in at the cabin right before Christmas, she was on a trajectory that would have meant she would now be married to Luke Wheeler and be somewhere on tour with him. She'd be on the biggest stages, backed by numerous sponsorships and brands, dealing with interviews, and seeing her face – or hers and Luke's – on magazines everywhere. Even the thought of that now made it hard to breathe. But those 2 days at the cabin had turned everything upside down and were a big part of the reason why she wasn't doing any of those things.
She and Deacon had kissed. And she had wanted to kiss him. She'd had to acknowledge that, even though she wasn't doing anything because of it. Except maybe asking him to tour with her again, although that was really for professional reasons that had grown out of the need for him to have time with their children. She had been very clear that she had not broken up with Luke because of him or to be with him. Deacon was her past, at least personally. She didn't know what the future held for her, but it was not her intent to have it include him. Except that he was there. And she didn't really know what to do about it.
When she drove off the resort property and headed back to San Francisco, her body felt renewed and relaxed. She'd sat on her deck, watching the ocean. She'd spent time in the meditation pool. She'd had probably the best massage she'd ever had. She'd even tried meditation. She felt refreshed physically. The resort was peaceful and quiet and had given her time to think. That, however, proved to be more confusing than clarifying. The first night she was there, she'd had strange, convoluted dreams. There was Luke and there was Deacon and she had felt like she was running from one to the other. And there was her mom, almost like a forest spirit, telling her to listen to the wind for answers. Nothing felt resolved and she had moved on feeling like she didn't have a direction. When she had woken up from that in the middle of the night, she'd felt unsettled. She had walked out onto the deck and sat there for a long time, hoping the faraway sound of waves would soothe her. Eventually they had and she had had no other dreams while she was there.
She had left the resort feeling like she needed to resolve something, do something. About what she wasn't quite sure, but she thought at least some of it had to do with Deacon. She knew that having him tour with her would challenge her, and it had. It would test her in some ways, and it had. But she also had found herself feeling a comfort around him that she hadn't expected. That was part of the problem. She'd always said that Deacon and music were the same. She'd never been able to separate them. It had always been one of the things that had tied them together so tightly. He had always been part of her creative process and even when she wrote on her own, it was what she'd learned from him that had informed the way she wrote. It was a powerful thing. It had been hard to let go of, back when he'd left, because it entwined them so much. Along with their children, it was the thing that bound them together, even when she didn't want it to.
Having him on her tour was dangerous. She had known it when she had made the decision to bring him on. She thought she could manage the boundary – and she pretty much had – but it was still there. That thing between them. The thing that might never let either of them go.
Deacon
He had left Rayna a message at the front desk so that when she checked in she knew where they were. He'd had been a fun few days with the kids as they rode the bus from Louisiana to California. They had stopped a few times along the way for the kids to be able to see parts of the country they'd never seen. Once they arrived in San Diego, he had taken them to the beach and they had also gone to Sea World, which had been a big hit. But more than anything they had enjoyed hanging out at the pool at the hotel, which is where they were when Rayna arrived mid-afternoon.
Levi saw her first. "Mom! Mom!" he shouted, as he headed for her, still wet from the pool. There wasn't enough time to get to him with a towel, so all he could do was watch his son throw his wet arms around his mother. She knelt down and grabbed him in her arms. He hurried over with a towel.
"Levi, buddy, you're wet," he said, handing over the towel.
Rayna glanced at him for a second, then focused back on Levi. "It's okay," she said. She smiled into Levi's face. "I missed you so much, sweetie. Did you have fun with Maddie and your dad?"
"Yes, yes, yes! We rode the bus and got off in the desert and ate ice cream and saw a big rock and went to the beach and saw fish! Big fish, Mom!"
Rayna laughed. "Wow. That all sounds great."
"It was." Levi's eyes were wide and bright and he was all smiles for his mom. By this time, Maddie had grabbed a towel and wound it around her as she made her way to Rayna's side.
"Hey, sweet girl," Rayna said, as she stood and then reached out to Maddie for a hug. "Can't wait to hear about everything."
He stood watching and felt a little like an outsider. But, he reminded himself, it had been 5 days since they'd seen their mom, so he should have expected that. He cleared his throat and Rayna looked up. "I'll let you have 'em. Hannah's up in your suite and has all their stuff."
She stood up then. "Thanks for keeping them."
"No problem. I'll, uh, see y'all later." He turned and headed back towards the hotel. It wasn't like he hadn't done this kind of thing countless times before. He'd drop off Levi and Maddie and they would immediately be all over Rayna, almost forgetting about him. It always left him feeling a little empty. But then, he reminded himself, it was the same when he picked them up. They usually brushed past Rayna in their hurry to get to his truck. Still, the feeling never left him. He thought it might have been less pronounced now that they were traveling together on her tour. Not together together, of course, but it was a slightly different dynamic. It was yet another reminder of what he'd done.
When he got to the hotel entrance from the pool, he let himself in and quickly made his way to the elevator.
He didn't see Rayna again until sound check the next day. She hadn't shown up in the upper level seats, at least while he was there. There were occasions when she didn't, for various reasons, but it almost felt like she was avoiding him. There had been a definite coolness in her demeanor the day before. No one but him would probably have picked up on it and it made him wonder how things had gone on her trip. And he hadn't heard from her at all during the day, not that he always did. Still, something felt a little off.
He had gotten to the arena early and was spending some time organizing his guitars and making sure they were ready to go. He was sitting at a table just off the stage and saw Rayna walk in. He put aside the guitar he was working on and walked over to her. "Hey," he said.
She looked at him. "Hey."
"I didn't get to ask. How was your trip?"
She gave him a little smile. "It was alright."
He frowned. "Just alright?"
The smile left her face. "It was fine. It was exactly what I needed." She twisted the cap off a bottle of water she had brought with her and took a swallow. "Is everybody ready?" she asked, her tone businesslike.
He was a little taken aback, but just shrugged. "Yeah, we're ready."
"Okay then. let's go."
As he walked off to get the band onto the stage, he just shook his head, wondering what was up with her.
It was the next day before they spoke again. They had a short drive up to LA for that night's show and as they were getting off the buses, she called him over. "What's up, Ray?" he asked.
"I, uh, was hoping we could meet up before sound check," she said.
"Sure. When and where?"
"I was thinking after we get checked in, maybe in 30 minutes or so? If that's okay with you." She looked at him intently, but he couldn't gauge her mood. "In the plaza?
"I can do that."
"Okay, I'll see you then." Then she turned and headed into the hotel lobby, leaving him to stare after her.
It was a bright, sunny day in LA and as he walked out of the hotel lobby, he slipped on his sunglasses. The area where they were was a fairly compact area of hotels, restaurants, and shops, along with the music venue where Rayna would be performing 2 shows. In the midst of all of that was a fairly large plaza area that encouraged casual gatherings. Since it was late morning it was somewhat busy with the lunch crowd, but not as busy as it would be later in the day when concert goers would fill the area. While he put his clothes away, he wondered what she wanted to talk about. She'd seemed quiet and introspective since her return from her time away and he thought maybe that had something to do with what she wanted to discuss. He wasn't really sure how to feel, but he guessed he would find out soon enough.
As he glanced around the plaza, he finally saw her sitting on a concrete wall that surrounded a tree. It was a somewhat shady area and she was sitting there, her legs crossed, her hands lightly gripping the edge of the wall. As he approached she looked towards him. She was also wearing sunglasses so he couldn't see any expression in her eyes. He sat down next to her and she gave him a quiet smile. "Thanks for coming." He didn't say anything, just nodded. She glanced around the area where they were, as if making sure they were away from people. Then she turned back to him. "I thought a lot about... us while I was away. And I wanted to talk to you about that."
He wasn't sure what that meant, but again he'd have to wait for her to tell him. "Okay," he said.
She sighed, then looked down for a second. "You and I, we have this complicated relationship. Complicated and sometimes beautiful. We have 2 amazing children together and we'll be forever connected because of them. But" – she drew out the word – "it could be easy to fall back into old patterns. It would be easy to, I guess, overlook our history. The painful part. We're kind of navigating a new... collaboration for us, if you will. Quite honestly, it scares me to death."
He frowned, still unsure where she was headed with this.
"I've already told you how nervous I was to ask you to come on tour with me. I had what I thought were good reasons – and they still are – but it's easy sometimes to blur the lines. As we know." She looked away again, a little longer this time, before turning back. "It was good for me to take these few days away, by myself, to clear my head." She sighed deeply. "We've been through very trying times in all the years we've known each other. Incredible highs, but devastating lows. None more devastating than the last 5 years. Being away reminded me of that. Reminded me how painful that was. For me. How much it still hurts me. Sometimes, especially in the beginning, the pain of it was overwhelming."
Even though he really couldn't see her eyes, to gauge what she was really feeling, he knew there were no words to describe how much he'd damaged her. He couldn't even find words that would be enough and he knew I'm sorry was inadequate.
"Seeing you every day. Being on stage with you most every night. It's a lot. It hurts just to be around you. Still. And it brings back the anger I have felt."
He took a deep breath. "What do you want to do about it?"
"I don't know. Unfortunately it's not a simple thing, even though maybe it should be."
"Do you want me to leave? Quit your band?"
A sad smile crossed her face. "Sometimes I do." His heart sank. "But I don't think that's the answer."
He felt confused. "Then what is?" He tried not to sound defensive and hoped it didn't come across that way.
"I think we somehow have to figure this whole thing out. We're Maddie and Levi's parents and we both love them very much."
"I think we've done good with that."
"I do too. But we haven't been in each other's lives until now. We have done it on weekend handoffs and at birthday parties and decisions we needed to make together. But you and I haven't been in each other's lives like this. And like I said, it could be easy to make a mistake." She clasped her hands together. "You know, we've had this long, strange trip together. We have loved each other fiercely and from the very beginning we created this bond that has tied us together. We've tested it over and over again. One thing I realized was that deep, deep down inside, you're still my family. In a different way from the beginning, but I think it's just always going to be there. And it's why I don't know that I can ever just throw you away. But it's not enough. There has to be something different about the way we move forward."
She was still his family too, but he understood that it was different for her. They did have a history, one that wasn't just going to vanish. They had children together and that would connect them forever. He was just thankful she didn't seem to be giving up on him completely. "So how do we do that?"
She sighed. "I'm not sure. I think it's not just one thing. What I do know is that there's something inside of me that wants to push you away. I don't want to forget what happened and how it made me feel. I'm not ready to let go of all that."
He frowned. "Then how do we do anything, Rayna?"
She tilted her head very slightly to one side. "I don't think that's all on me, Deacon. You were the one who made those decisions." She breathed out. "But, having said that, we have to do something. I felt like when we were all trapped at the cabin, it caused us to have to somehow coexist. So I'm thinking maybe that's a first step. Not that we get trapped together somewhere, but that we try to make time to do some things with the kids. Together. We may be a very different kind of family, but we're still a family. Our kids love us, Deacon, and I could see those couple days how happy they were to have us all together. I want them to know that you and I can make things work for them." He could hear the emotion in her voice and he understood what she wanted. He did too.
He nodded. "I can do that."
She gave him a tentative smile. "Good. I'm glad we're on the same page." She put her hands on her legs and took a deep breath. "I'll see you at sound check then." She stood up and looked at him for a second, then turned and headed back towards the hotel.
He watched as she made her way across the plaza and then disappeared from his sight. He let his breath out in a rush. Of course he would do whatever she asked. For their kids. Why would he not? He stood up then and walked in the same direction she had.
Rayna
She smiled as Bucky came up the steps onto the bus. They were headed to Seattle from Portland, where they would have a rare day off before the show the next night. She and Deacon had planned to take the kids to the Space Needle and to the Pike Street Market. It was the first 'family' outing they had planned and while she was a little nervous about it, she was also glad they were making the effort. She had shown Maddie and Levi pictures of where they would be going and Levi was already excited to see the vendors who threw fish. Levi was enthralled with fish these days and he'd spent an hour giving her a convoluted, confusing recap of their visit to Sea World when he and Maddie had been with Deacon in San Diego. The plan was to go to the Space Needle that afternoon when they got to Seattle and then have a family dinner. The fish throwing would be the next day.
Bucky slid into the seat across from her. "Hey, Buck," she said with a smile.
Her manager smiled back. "You looking forward to a little extra time?"
She nodded. "I am. Deacon and I have a couple of sightseeing adventures planned with the kids."
He looked around. "Where are they?"
"They're riding with Deacon." She smirked. "Dad's bus is more fun than Mom's, apparently."
"I think the band bus has better snacks." He slid a CD case across the table that she hadn't noticed when he first got on the bus. "So the opener who was supposed to join us in Salt Lake City is being moved to another tour. We'll need a new opener." He tapped the CD case. "I got this last time we were in Nashville. Sadie Stone. She just got signed to one of the smaller labels in town and they've been shopping her around for a tour. I checked and she's available if you're interested. There are several of her demos on this and I was hoping you could listen to it and let me know what you think."
She frowned. "That name sounds familiar. Is she someone I should have heard about?"
"She's been just a songwriter up to now. Pretty good one, in fact. If you weren't writing your own music, I probably would have pitched one or two of her songs to you. But she'd been trying out the waters as a singer and got the attention of John Morgan at Calico Records and he signed her a couple months ago. A lot of artists in town have done her music. Little Big Town, Dierks Bentley, to name a couple."
She picked up the CD and looked at it. "I'm happy to give it a listen. I'm guessing you already have though or you wouldn't be asking me about her."
He grinned. "She's good, Rayna. She's a little older though, which I think is why she's available. She's late 20's, maybe early 30's. Not that that matters, of course. She's fairly new to Nashville too. She's been working with a publishing house from Virginia until maybe a year ago."
She smiled. "Okay. I'll listen and let you know." She put the CD case down on the table. "Now, can we talk about the next single off the album?"
When she got off the bus in Seattle, Maddie and Levi rushed over to her, clamoring for attention. After she'd hugged them and listened to their excited tales of riding on their father's bus, she looked at Deacon, who was standing a few feet behind them. "What time you want to meet up?" he asked.
"Um, maybe 3:30? That okay?" He nodded. Then she took a couple steps towards him and pulled Sadie Stone's CD out of her purse. "Can you listen to this and tell me what you think? Her name is Sadie Stone and Bucky got asked about having her open starting in Salt Lake City." She noticed the question on his face. "Edgehill pulled the next opener for another tour, so Bucky thought about Sadie."
"What do you think?"
"I want you to listen without knowing what I think. I want your honest opinion."
"I always give you my honest opinion." She made a face. "Okay, okay, I'll listen." Then he turned his attention to the kids. "Maddie, Levi, I'll see y'all in a little bit."
They didn't get to talk about Sadie's CD until sound check the next day. As she headed for the venue from the hotel, she thought about the outings she and Deacon had taken the kids on. It had been fun for Maddie and Levi, although Levi was crushed that he couldn't throw a fish. She and Deacon had mostly just been there to guide the kids from one thing to another and didn't spend time talking about anything other than that. She had felt a sense of awkwardness, almost as though they were trying too hard to be cordial to each other. There were a couple of times when she had looked down and saw that her hands were trembling slightly. I don't know if I can do this. Being around him like this is so hard. She wondered how he felt. He hardly looked at her and when he did, it was brief. There was so much history between them, as she'd said, but maybe it was too much. Maybe it was the history that was going to keep them apart.
When the car arrived at the venue, she smiled and thanked the driver, then got out. Bucky was just inside the door when she arrived. "Hey, Rayna," he said. She could hear music in the background. Juliette Barnes, her current opener, was on stage doing sound check. She was glad this was one of her last performances. She wasn't a fan of her music and was really surprised the label had suggested her, especially considering she was so new in the industry and hadn't built up a following. Juliette's style was not a match with her audience.
"Hey, Buck." She listened for a second, then looked at her manager. "Does Sadie have a band?"
"They would send whoever she needs with her. Does this mean you're on board?"
"I want to talk to Deacon first. I gave him her demo and wanted his thoughts. But I think probably I will go with her."
"Just let me know. You want to go see your dressing room?"
She smiled. "Yeah, that sounds great." The two of them walked down a back hallway.
Sound check took a little longer than usual due to the fact that they were adding a new song to the setlist. Deacon had also worked up a slightly different arrangement, which meant they had to go over it several times. She didn't typically like to change arrangements during a tour, but since it was a song they hadn't done before, she didn't make a big deal of it. And, not surprisingly, it did add a freshness to the end result, so she couldn't really complain. She wanted to talk to Deacon about Sadie, though, so she asked him to stay for a minute.
"Were you able to listen to Sadie's demo? What did you think?" she asked.
"She's good. I like her sound. Has she been around Nashville long?"
She shook her head. "Bucky says she's just recently come to Nashville from Virginia. Recently as in the last year or so. Do you think she'd be a good fit for us?"
He nodded. "I do." He smirked. "Better than who we got now."
She rolled her eyes and smiled. "Agreed. Well, great. I thought Sadie would be a good fit too. I'll let Bucky know to go ahead with bringing her on." She turned then and took a step towards the side stage.
"Rayna." She stopped and turned to look at him. "You seemed kinda quiet today with the kids."
She raised her eyebrows a little. "In what way?"
"Like maybe you didn't want to be there." He didn't look or sound judgmental, but it bothered her anyway. Especially since it was sort of true.
"No, that's not true," she hedged. "I was just watching the kids having fun."
He looked at her like he didn't quite believe her, but apparently decided to let it go. "Okay. Uh, that's good. And yeah, they did."
"Well, then, I'm going to run back and see them before I need to get back over here. See you later." She didn't really give him a chance to say anything else as she turned and walked off the stage.
Deacon
He didn't understand what was going on with Rayna. He didn't understand why she seemed open to trying to create a family for Levi and Maddie but then seemed to close the door on it when they actually tried to do it. That's not completely true. What I done to her is why it's so hard for her now. He just wished there was a way to work through all that destruction. A way to talk about it. He could say he was sorry a million times but he knew that wasn't enough. It hadn't been enough when he was drinking and it wasn't enough now.
He skipped the after party and went back to his room. He tried working on a song he'd started, but he kept hitting a wall. Frustrated, but not really tired, he debated what to do. The next day was a travel day, 8 hours to Boise, Idaho, so he'd be able to sleep on the bus. He left his room and headed for the elevators. There was an outdoor bar on the 10th floor, 2 floors above him, and he pressed the elevator button that would take him there. When he got off the elevator he followed the sign to the The Nest. He stepped out into the lounge, which had a great view overlooking the bay, and headed for the bar. He took a seat and ordered a club soda with lime.
The lounge was located about halfway up the hotel and there were another 11 or 12 stories above where he was. There was piped in music and not a lot of people there since it was nearly 11:30. He always felt wired after a show. In the really old days, he'd hit a bar and drink whiskey. Early on Rayna used to go with him, but as the years passed, she was less enthusiastic about watching him drink. He smiled a little to himself. Not a surprise. He still liked to get away from people and let himself relax, but these days it was non-alcoholic.
It was a pleasant night and the sky was clear. The lights of the city and along the bay twinkled in the darkness. He thought about the show. It had been a great crowd and, as always, Rayna had been on top of her game. As the tour had progressed, he felt like they had both loosened up a bit on stage and how they performed together had become more natural and fluid. They had performed a song off her album that had not yet been released to radio and that they hadn't performed on the tour. He'd done a little adjusting to the arrangements. Rayna had agreed on the changes and he thought it had gone well with the audience.
Just then he saw someone walk out into the lounge. Rayna. He was surprised. Usually after the after party she went back to her room. She stopped when she saw him and he thought she might turn around and leave. She walked over to the bar, however, and slid onto the stool next to his. She asked the bartender for a sparkling water. After he'd brought it over, she turned towards him.
"I didn't expect to see you here," she said.
"I didn't expect to see you either."
She smiled and shrugged. "Just needed to clear my head."
He nodded. "Same." He finished his drink and pushed the glass away. "I can leave," he said.
"You don't have to." He frowned. "Maybe it's good that we ran into each other." She took a sip of her drink, then looked out in the direction of the bay. "You weren't wrong before," she said and looked back at him.
"About what?"
"Well, I know we said we'd try to be more like a family for Maddie and Levi."
"It was what you said you wanted, Rayna."
She nodded. "That's true. I think, though, that maybe I didn't realize how, I don't know, different that would feel."
He sighed and closed his eyes for a second before looking back at her. "So, what, you changed your mind?"
She made a face. "Deacon, it's hard for me to be around you. Maybe it's been long enough that I should be over it by now, but every time I see you, I just can't help it."
"It's not every time, Rayna, because we've been able to be around each other, and things aren't all weird."
She looked away again. "Maybe sometimes I can pretend better than others."
"Okay. So I'll offer again. You want me to leave? I mean, if I bother you so much..."
She whipped her head back around and looked at him furiously. "This is what bothers me, Deacon. It's as though you don't think any of this is your fault. Like somehow I'm in the wrong."
He breathed in and out slowly, not wanting this to get too heated. "That's not true, Rayna. I told you I get what I done to you."
"Except I don't think you really understand all of it. It's not just that you went off and had your own career and left me behind. It's not just that you ignored me, practically, before Levi was born. As much as you blamed me for making decisions for us, you did too. You decided to make tour plans without talking to me. Without considering our family. You decided you wanted to be a father to Levi after basically not being interested up until it suited you."
"I always wanted to be a father to Levi. To both of our kids."
She raised her eyebrows. "It didn't feel much like it." She breathed in deeply. "I know you love them. I know you are a good dad. But it's almost in spite of everything else. And, you know, I just feel that way every time I'm around you." Sadness seemed to cloud her eyes. "I feel like I'm always going to wonder if you could do that again."
He felt punched in the gut, whether he deserved to feel that way or not. "What do you want me to do then?"
She sat looking at for him for a long minute. Then she shook her head. "I don't know," she said, sounding weary. "I guess that's what I need to figure out." She got up then and walked away.
He closed his eyes for a minute, thinking maybe there was nothing he could do to salvage any kind of relationship with her and not really sure what to do next. Finally he got up and left to go back to his room.
Sleep was elusive, so he picked up his guitar and his notebook and started to write. He wrote and scratched out, he reorganized words, phrases, verses. He had many stops and starts with the music. But slowly something started to take shape. He'd felt such despair at the things Rayna had said, felt about as low as he'd ever felt in his life. It was hard to feel positive about the future when he felt like he'd run out of all the chances he'd ever had with her, but he couldn't completely give up. Couldn't completely believe there wasn't a way out, even if it didn't seem possible.
When he was finished, he played the whole song start to finish.
Between steeples and the dirt
The wheat fields and the empty church
There's hard times just gettin' by
Better pray for a run of luck
Before the sun and my hopes get up
And I'm just tough enough to try...
It was almost 4 in the morning, and he was exhausted, both mentally and physically. He wouldn't get much sleep before his alarm, but he still crawled under the covers. He laid awake most of the rest of the night and then ended up sleeping on the bus almost the entire way to Boise.
Rayna
She waited for the elevator, hoping Deacon didn't follow right behind her. When the doors finally opened and she got inside, she breathed a sigh of relief. She pressed her floor and then leaned against the back wall as the elevator rose. When she got to her room and let herself in, Hannah was sitting in the living room area, reading a book.
"Hey," she said. "Sorry to be so late."
Hannah shook her head. "No problem." She closed her book and stood up. "Maddie and Levi fell asleep pretty quickly." She smiled. "I'll see y'all in the morning."
She watched as the nanny headed for the door and let herself out. Hannah was such a gift. Maddie and Levi adored her and she was so dependable and even-keeled. She didn't know what she would do without her. She walked over to the second bedroom and opened the door enough so that she could see her kids. Maddie was asleep in the bed, sprawled across most of it, as usual. Levi was asleep on the rollaway bed, laying on his stomach. Luckily he was still young enough to think that the rollaway bed was fun. Maddie didn't like sharing a room with him, but she would have really disliked sharing a bed. She smiled and then closed the door.
She walked over to the windows that looked out over the city. The show had gone well and the after party was productive. She had not been ready to go to bed and had gone to the outdoor bar, where she'd run into Deacon. She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. She didn't know what made her so irritated around him, except that she knew she still had not come to terms with what had gone on between them, especially the first couple years after he left. She'd been able to avoid dealing with it up to this point because they weren't around each other much. But with him being in her band again, it just brought up all the old hurt and anger. She really had wanted to try to forge a new direction with him, but it had proven to be difficult.
She walked around the room, thinking about the tension between them. Asking him back had proven to be every bit as challenging as she had feared. Maybe even more so. It had been a good decision, she still thought, for the sake of their children, but it had been hard on her and, she supposed, him as well. It had been right for Maddie and Levi, but wrong for her. In those quiet moments, when they had tried to be friendly and congenial with each other, it had stirred up old feelings. Really old feelings. She had felt like they needed to move on, as parents, for their children, and yet it got all mixed up with decisions they'd each made in the past. It was similar to the 2 days they were together at the cabin. It blurred the lines sometimes.
She finally went into her bedroom and changed into a t-shirt and shorts, then got ready for bed. But as she sat on the bed, she couldn't stop her mind from spinning. She got up and got her notebook and then the portable keyboard she took with her on the road for writing. She sat back down on the bed and leaned against the headboard. She started to do a brain dump in the notebook, jotting down thoughts and ideas, then began to put them together into sentences, then verses and choruses. She tested out melodies on her keyboard, working on how they meshed with her words. She crossed out words, whole sentences at times, and rewrote. She finally added a bridge.
She looked over at the bedside clock and saw that it was almost 4:30 in the morning. Her brain felt less cluttered, but she wasn't sure she would be able to sleep much. She read back over the song and was mostly satisfied with it. she could work a little more on the melody and then put it all together, seeing if there was anything that needed to be modified.
Even if you think you're at a standstill
Even when you got nowhere to call home
Everyone goes past you running uphill
Just be here
You don't have to understand the if and when
You just need to understand it's part of life
You never know for certain where you're goin'
But you'll always arrive
'Cause the bridge that burned
Took you out of the way
Made you turn around until you faced the demons
In the end you'll learn
You'll get there anyway
Sometimes it all goes wrong, goes wrong
For the right reasons...
She pushed the notebook and keyboard to the other side of the bed. Then she got under the covers, reached up and turned out the light. She laid there for a few minutes, her eyes open, breathing slowly in and out. Then she closed her eyes, hoping to get a little sleep before she had to get ready to leave for Boise.