Deacon
Instead of stopping by the hotel bar to hang out with the band and crew, he decided to head on to his room. They had another long travel day the next day, so that was another reason to call it a night. But he also just felt unsettled, after his interactions with Rayna. Once he got to his room, he struggled to fall asleep. His mind was working overtime and he couldn't settle it down. He got up and tried writing, usually something that helped, but he was a little all over the map with putting something coherent down on paper. He finally managed to knock out a verse, but when he read it over he realized that, once again, he was writing about Rayna. Only this time it wasn't someone based on Rayna, it was actually her.
He wished there was a way he could heal the damage, could take back everything he'd done. He wished there was a way he could put his family back together. He tossed the notebook aside and got in bed, trying to will himself to fall asleep. He had a hard time shutting down his thoughts. He found himself thinking back to the very first time he'd ever seen Rayna Jaymes and writing the words to what eventually became A Life That's Good on a napkin at the Bluebird. She had inspired him to write it, even though he didn't even know her. He had rarely allowed himself, back in those days, to think about having a family, a home, but when he saw her, it was all he could see in his mind.
I don't need fame. No one to know my name. Back then he'd thought that having a family and someone to love would be all he'd need. It made him wonder why that had changed. He'd had that life that was good. He had Rayna and then Maddie and they had created that life he'd imagined when he'd first seen her. At some point along the journey, he'd lost his way. It had seemed like time was running out and if he hadn't tried to reach out for the golden ring, he'd regret it. He had listened to other people and not listened to his heart. He had shut Rayna out. At the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that's good. No prayers answered for him.
There she was, standing on the stage, looking both nervous and confident. He was surprised at that but, as he learned later, she was the kind of person who did things afraid. It wasn't that things didn't scare her, but she didn't let them keep her from following her dreams. She'd come into his life on the wings of angels. She could have had better than him, but somehow, some way, he was who she wanted. They'd made music together and as they did they grew ever closer until the music seemed to just inhabit them. It was a force they never had really been able to name. All he knew was that she filled him up and he seemed to do the same for her. As he watched her up there on the stage, he was struck again by how beautiful she was and how fierce she was. I catch myself wishing you were whispering my name.
But there were dark times between them too and sometimes he wondered if he'd lose her forever. It was more than she should ever have had to bear. Every star, every scar, every mark upon my heart up and fades away. She was always there though and even when he was buried in the deepest, darkest hole, he felt it. She was everything and he would have done anything for her. Until he didn't.
He could see the sadness in her eyes, the lone tear trailing down her cheek. She'd grown weary. He'd finally taken everything, left her unable to do anything but watch. Then he saw her stand up and just look at him and he could see the pain he'd caused her. One last look and she turned to walk away from him. I feel myself missing everything I threw away. Every dream, every scene, every song we'd ever sing. Got lost in yesterday.
He stood up as she slowly faded away. "Rayna!" he called out. "Rayna!"
He sat up in his bed, his heart pounding, breathing hard. He looked over at the clock on the bedside table, the digital numbers glowing read. It was just before 4 AM. He laid back down against the pillows, closing his eyes. I've been trying to do without you, but I can't give up this fight. He had no idea what he was going to do, but he wanted to figure out a way to heal the past.
Rayna
It had been disconcerting for Deacon to tell her that he still wrote songs about her. He'd tried to back off of it, as though he just used her as a... muse, or something, but she knew better. She understood the angry songs he'd written early in the time he was trying to make it solo. Or if not angry songs, they were bitter. And of course she'd done the same. But she'd gotten past that. To know that he hadn't knocked her off balance. She wondered just how many songs he wrote about her. And then she wondered why. They hadn't been together in so long and she'd been very firm that they were done.
But were they?
She wasn't sure when it had happened, when she had gone from angry and disappointed to this feeling of... nothingness. In the beginning, it had all been magical and wonderful. She looked in his eyes and she saw all the hope and promise of their lives together. It scared her, in a way, but she let herself be open to it. It was magical and it was beautiful. But something changed and she didn't understand it all and she wasn't sure she could hold them both up. Didn't want to look in the eyes of the one that I would be drawn to. Everyone was telling her to go but there was still something that kept her there.
Over time though, she watched herself as the hope turned to hopelessness and the magic only happened in small places. They struggled to find that spark again and slowly but surely it started to rekindle. Maybe, though, somewhere in the back of her mind she never fully trusted it, was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She could feel them pulling apart, even if it wasn't really what she wanted. I'm a moth lost in a fire and I know this is just a beautiful illusion, a case of the confusion between love and desire. He walked away and she walked away. There was nothing left.
I turned around. Before I could run, I found you already settled down in the back of my mind. Was it all coming full circle? Was he reaching out, trying to make things right? She stood in front of him wondering what the right thing was to do.
"Mom." She was startled awake and rolled over. Levi was standing next to her bed, looking disheveled. She reached out for him.
"Levi? What's wrong?" He looked a little hesitant and she tugged at him gently. He climbed into her bed and lay there facing her. "Sweetie, what happened?"
"Something was chasing me," he said, his voice quivering just slightly. "I was running, but it was right there."
She ran her hand over the back of his head and smiled at him. "But then you woke up, right? And it was gone." He nodded. "Do you want to stay with me?" He nodded again. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was 10 minutes after 4. Her own dream had left her feeling... something. She wasn't quite sure what, but she wouldn't figure it out right then. She pulled her son closer and he turned over as she wrapped her arm around him, as though she was protecting him from something awful. She kissed the back of his head. "Do you think you can go back to sleep now?" she murmured.
"Yes," he said, his voice sounding small. She hugged him a little closer, feeling his warm little body against her. It made her think about when he was little and used to like to crawl into bed with her, snuggling in with her. "I love you, Mommy," he said softly.
She very gently smoothed his hair back. "I love you, my sweet boy," she whispered. She could tell he was almost asleep already. Levi and Maddie were the most important people in her life and she would do anything to ensure their happiness. She felt sad that they didn't have the kind of family she always wanted for them. Deacon loved them of course, but it wasn't the same. She thought back to the time at the cabin those couple days before Christmas. Despite everything, it had felt good to give them that family experience, even if it was really just an illusion. It was part of why she'd brought Deacon back into her band. But she felt like there were so many roadblocks and she knew she felt apprehensive at every turn. She was afraid to let him back in for fear that he would just disappoint her again. Maybe I just need to relax. Not look for problems. I don't have to forget the bad stuff, just not let it get in the way.
She sighed. She could feel Levi's slow, even breathing and it started to make her feel drowsy too. Before she knew it, she was asleep.
The bus ride to Albuquerque was a long one and they had gotten on the road early. A part of her wanted to just check into her room and go to sleep, after the fitful night of sleep and the long ride, but she had already invited Sadie up for a drink. Deacon was taking the kids for the night and she decided she could still turn in early after Sadie left. She got to her room and unpacked her suitcase. She pulled her hair back into a high ponytail and then took a quick shower. When she got out, she felt more refreshed and rejuvenated. She got dressed and then texted Sadie to let her know she would have some appetizers delivered to her room, along with drinks. Then she called room service and ordered the food.
The food and Sadie arrived at about the same time. She hugged the other woman and then went to the mini-bar and poured them each a glass of wine. They sat and sipped on the wine while nibbling at the food. "Where are your kids tonight?" Sadie asked.
"They're spending time with Deacon. He's taking them out for tacos, which they love, and then they're going to watch a movie in his room. They'll probably both fall asleep watching the movie so they'll just spend the night with him." She smiled. "They'll love having extra time with him."
Sadie smiled. "Sounds like he's a really good father."
She nodded. "He is. He was a little nervous about being a dad. He didn't have the best role model growing up, but he's sort of taken the position that he wouldn't do the same things his own father did. And he hasn't. Maddie and Levi adore him, which makes me happy."
Sadie shook her head but had a wry smile on her face. "I think it's really great that you brought him on tour with you, especially for them."
She laughed. "Well, I also needed a lead guitar player at the time. He had left the Revel Kings and was available. And since the tour didn't offer a lot of down time so that I could get the kids to Nashville, it solved a couple of really big problems for me."
Sadie looked pensive for a moment, as though she wasn't sure what was appropriate to say. "I really admire the fact that you can put aside whatever issues led you two to split up for your children. I would imagine that's not the easiest thing to do."
She thought about what she wanted to say. "I don't know. In some ways it was an easy call. He was my lead guitar player for years and he knows me really well. I trust him in that way. He's always honest about things like set lists and arrangements and he can push me to do things I might not otherwise have tried. And I know that when he does, he's almost always right. And then the easiest part of all was having him be present for Levi and Maddie." She sighed. "But I guess in a lot of ways it is tough. Complicated. We're not together but we're trying to co-exist peacefully for the sake of our children."
"I know I told you I've been a fan of yours from the beginning and I think the main reason was all those amazing songs the two of you wrote together. There was always something really... intimate about them that came through when y'all were on stage. I know that has to be different now, but there's still such a... synergy, I guess, in the way you still perform on stage."
She smiled. "He knows me better than anyone else. I have always said that there would be no Rayna Jaymes without Deacon Claybourne and that's true. He made me better, right from the start. He could always pull something out of me, whether it was writing a song or a performance, that made a difference." She shrugged. "Of course, he hasn't been with me for the last few years so I had to develop my own style so I could keep going. But it all started way back when we first met. No matter where we are in our lives, I can always say that he made me better. That's still true."
"I just really admire the way the two of you are so... civil to each other."
She laughed a little. "Well, I wouldn't say it's always easy, but we try to put our children first, so being respectful is just something we both feel is important for them."
A shadow seemed to cross over Sadie's face. "That is a really good thing," she said, her voice soft.
She wondered if there was something more going on below the surface with Sadie but didn't want to pry. She could understand wanting to keep her personal life private, something she'd done herself her entire career. "I was wondering if your husband was going to come out on the road with you at all," she said. "I'd love to meet him."
Sadie shook her head. There was a tension about her body language, although when she spoke it didn't translate to her voice. "I doubt it. He has a job that really takes up his time," she said.
"Well, maybe sometime in the future."
Sadie smiled then, putting her glass on the coffee table. "I don't know about you, but I think the long bus ride just hit me. I'm exhausted. Would you be offended if I said good night?"
She was pretty sure she'd touched on a sensitive topic, although she obviously had no idea what was going on. She would never force the issue with Sadie though. "Of course not. I'm pretty exhausted myself." They both stood up and she headed for the door with Sadie following. "I'm glad you could come by. I really hope that one of these days we can talk more music together. Maybe even do a little writing."
Sadie smiled. "I would be so honored, Rayna. Any time."
She opened the door and put a hand on Sadie's arm. "Get a good night's sleep and I'll see you tomorrow." She reached out and hugged Sadie, somehow sensing she needed one. When she stepped back, Sadie smiled, lifting her hand in a wave, and walked out of the suite.
Later that night, she thought about Sadie's comments regarding Deacon. It had been complicated and continued to be complicated for them. The things she'd said were true about his musical influence on her and it made her wonder how they could still work together creatively when everything else seemed out of whack. Does our history mean the bonds will never be broken entirely?
Deacon
They had ridden the buses overnight from Wichita to St. Louis, one of the few times they'd done that. He had learned how to sleep on buses pretty well but he still felt stiff when they got off at the hotel. He had met Rayna and the kids for an early lunch and then she had taken them upstairs for a nap. He felt like he needed to stretch his legs, so he had taken off and walked around the downtown area. He headed towards the river, noticing that the area was filled with people in baseball attire, so it was a little more crowded than he liked. But he got down to a park along the Mississippi River bank and found a place to sit where there was a bit of shade. It was a hot summer day so the shade and light breeze were welcome.
He watched as the river flowed past him and noticed the various types of watercraft. Lots of people were out on the water, taking advantage of the weather. The Mississippi flowed down past Natchez, on its way to New Orleans. While there were plenty of flat areas close to the river like the one he was sitting in, there were also bluffs along the river, where many of the wealthy lived. He didn't like thinking about Natchez much. There weren't many good memories there. Beverly still lived there with her daughter Scarlett. A few years after their mom had died, their father had left Natchez without a trace. They'd had no idea what happened to him, as he'd left no note, but Beverly had breathed a sigh of relief once he was gone. Gideon Claybourne hadn't been heard from since and he guessed he and Beverly both sort of assumed he was dead as well. He still had no interest in going back, although he kept close tabs on Scarlett.
He needed to get back soon for sound check, but for the time being he was content watching the river go by.
He made his way to the upper section of the arena and slid into one of the seats. The crew was getting things set up and he knew Sadie would be out soon for her sound check. He'd had a few conversations with her since she'd been on tour with Rayna and liked her a lot. She was a little quiet and reserved, he thought, but on stage she packed a punch. He knew Rayna was really high on her and wanted to have a chance to write with her. Sadie's songs were nuanced with gorgeous melodies and lyrics that spoke to deep emotions. He thought Sadie and Rayna could write some phenomenal songs together and hoped they got the chance to do that.
They were over 2/3 of the way through the tour and he was actually ready to head home. He had never minded touring, but this had been a stacked tour without a lot of free time. Rayna hadn't had a lot of choice though, considering that she had been planning to tour with Luke Wheeler. That seemed so long ago. He thought she was better off without Luke and he thought she felt the same, although she hadn't talked about Luke since the breakup. He saw Sadie walk out onto the stage with her band to get set up.
Just as Sadie started her sound check he saw Rayna. She was coming up a couple sections over but when she saw him, she headed his way. She walked down the row and sat next to him. "How long have you been up here?" she asked.
He shrugged. "A little bit." Things had been a little better between the two of them and they had made the effort to do some things together with Levi and Maddie and that had been enjoyable. He was glad he'd decided to stay after all.
She crossed her legs and rested her elbows on the arms of the seats, with her fingers threaded through each other, as she watched Sadie for a few minutes. She turned to him. "She's really so good. I've spent some time with her and gotten to know her better, but she's still awfully private."
He smirked. "Sounds like someone else I know," he said.
She made a face and swatted his arm. "Well played," she said with a chuckle. "So I'm glad I found you up here. I decided that I'm going to fly home with the kids after the Birmingham show. I had originally planned for Hannah to take them back since school starts then, but it's Levi's first day going to school and I really want to be there. Then I'll fly to Tallahassee." She paused. "Why don't you come too?"
He nodded. "Okay. I'd really like to do that."
"Good. I'll make sure Bucky knows. He's getting a plane for me." He thought he caught a glisten of tears in her eyes. "I just can't believe Levi's growing up so fast. Maddie too, of course, but it just seems like yesterday that he was my baby and I was holding him in my arms."
"I know." He felt a lump in his throat. He remembered holding Levi too when he was a baby. He had wondered at first if his son would ever feel comfortable with him. He'd pressed Rayna to let him have Levi on weekends when he was so young, but it had turned out to be a good thing. He'd felt so much more connected to his son than he might have otherwise. "Thanks for letting me be part of his life all these years," he said.
"I wouldn't have had it any other way," she said softly.
He smiled. "You weren't totally on board with me bringing him to my house in the beginning."
"Well, it's a mama's job to be protective."
"It's okay. I understood." He cleared his throat. "I'm looking forward to the first day of school with them. Thanks for asking me."
She smiled. "They will be so happy you're there." She gave him a thoughtful look. "Thank you for staying on the tour. I know this isn't all easy – for either of us, really – but I think it's so important. For all of us."
He nodded, then looked back down at the stage. They sat silently for a couple of minutes and then he turned to her. "I need to get down and check on some things before sound check. I'll see you then." He stood up.
She looked up at him. "Okay. I'll see you then."
As he walked down to the exit and then around to the lower level of the arena, he found himself wondering, yet again, if there was anything he could do to make up for the past 5 years. He understood how much he'd given up and knew he'd treated her poorly. But she was still the one. She would always be the one. He wanted to build a family again, but with her in it. He just didn't know if that would ever be possible.
Rayna
She supposed it wouldn't be the first day of school without some kind of drama going on. Maddie had decided she no longer wanted to wear what she'd picked out the night before and she was trying to talk her daughter through it in order to keep things under control. But Maddie wasn't having it and she wasn't sure how she'd manage that situation and get Levi ready at the same time. Fortunately, a knock came at the door just as Maddie had flown up the stairs in tears.
When she opened the door, Deacon was standing there. He frowned slightly. "What's going on?" he asked.
She made an irritated face. It must have been obvious there was a problem. "Maddie is being a diva about her first day of school outfit at exactly the wrong time." She was feeling frazzled, but also was glad he was there. "Maybe you can help with Levi?"
He nodded and smiled. "That I can do." He held up a bag. "I also brought breakfast."
She smiled gratefully. "Thank you." She stepped back. "Come on in. If you want to put that in the kitchen, I'm going to go see if I can't wrangle Maddie into something she's happy with. And Levi's in his room."
"I'm on it," he said. She closed the door behind him and watched him for a second as he headed towards the kitchen.
"Mom!" She rolled her eyes at Maddie's whine and turned to run up the stairs.
"I'm coming," she called out, feeling exasperated.
She leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes as the small jet Bucky had chartered pulled away from the terminal and headed for the runway. As she felt the plane picking up speed as it raced down the runway, she was glad she had decided to make the short trip to Nashville for Maddie and Levi's first day of school. Once Maddie had finally decided on an outfit, she was happy. She also didn't want her parents walking her into school, so she and Deacon had stood on the sidewalk watching her as she ascended the steps with her friends and then disappeared into the building without a backward glance.
Levi, on the other hand, was happy for his mom and dad to walk with him and see his classroom and meet his teacher. When she'd tried to hug him, though, he'd pushed her away, telling her he was a big boy now. She'd had tears in her eyes but she was also proud of the fact that he was so self-confident. He waved goodbye and then joined his classmates and she and Deacon were left to just watch. They had finally left, glad to have been there, and headed for the airport.
When she felt the plane begin to level off, she opened her eyes. Deacon was sitting on the opposite side of the plane reading a magazine. As though he sensed she was watching him, he looked up. "I really do wish I had one of these of my own," she said with a smile.
"It would make things a lot easier," he said.
"The Revel Kings had their own plane, didn't they?"
He nodded. "They do. And it was great. I mean, I don't mind buses, but there's something to be said for getting places quicker." He seemed to hesitate. "You'd've had that with Luke, right?" he asked.
She looked down at her lap, then back at him. "Yeah, I guess. As long as we were doing things together."
"You still feel like you made the right decision about all that?"
She was surprised that he asked her that. They had not talked about Luke since she had first gone to tell him she'd broken off the engagement. It just seemed like it was off the table. "Yeah, I do," she said softly. She figured the door was open, so she decided to ask something she'd always wondered. "I know we said we'd let each other know if we had serious relationships, but you never came forward with anything. Did you, uh, ever get involved with anyone?"
He looked thoughtful, like he was trying to decide what to say. "Not like that. Nothing that was meant to be serious."
"That surprises me," she said.
He frowned. "Why?"
She shrugged. "I don't know exactly. I mean, wouldn't you have wanted someone who made you happy?"
He looked at her for a long moment. Something seemed to cross his face and his eyes seemed to lose their light. "I lost that a long time ago," he said quietly.
She felt like she couldn't breathe. Her chest felt tight. She didn't know how to respond to that, so she didn't, just turned her head and looked out the window. They didn't talk again on the flight and even later, at sound check and during and after the show, things felt stiff and awkward. What she realized was that it wasn't awkward in a bad way but in a way that told her there were things to resolve. For herself.
Deacon
He missed Maddie and Levi. He was sure Rayna did too. They hadn't talked much since the plane ride from Nashville to Tallahassee. He'd been honest with her when she'd asked him about whether or not he'd had any serious relationships. He knew he could have just said no and left it at that, but he hadn't. He hadn't really wanted to have a serious relationship with anyone else. Still didn't. As the months and years had gone by, he'd known more clearly than ever that she was the only one he ever wanted that with. His admission hadn't moved her though, so he'd tried to just push it aside.
These last couple weeks would be very different without having the kids as a buffer between them. It also made him wonder what would happen in the future. He knew Rayna's primary reason for bringing him back into her band, besides the fact that she actually did need a lead guitar player, was for the kids. Next year, though, she could schedule a more normal tour which would allow for him to stay in Nashville and see the kids when she was in between tour stops. She could certainly find another lead guitar player and he was anticipating that's what she would do.
He was crossing the lobby at the hotel in Miami when he saw Sadie sitting alone in the hotel bar. Her body language seemed to indicate something was wrong and he wondered if he should see if there was something he could do to help. He wavered for a moment, then decided to check on her. As he walked into the bar, she looked up.
"Hey, Deacon," she said, putting a smile on her face. The smile really didn't reach her eyes though.
"Hey, Sadie. Everything okay?"
She waited a little too long to answer. "Sure," she said, but she didn't sound so sure.
He frowned. "You want to talk?" He wasn't usually the person someone sought out to talk to, but he sensed a sadness about her that he could kind of relate to. She didn't say anything at first, so he sat down across from her.
She gave him a grateful smile. "I guess I'm just processing some news. I was expecting it – wanted it – but it's still a little hard."
"We don't gotta talk about it if you don't want."
She hesitated for a second. "I got a call from my lawyer that my divorce is final."
He wasn't expecting that. "I'm sorry."
She shook her head. "No, it's fine. I wanted it, but now that it's really over, I guess I'm feeling things I hadn't expected."
"Divorce is tough."
"I guess you know," she said with a little laugh. "But I think your circumstances are probably different. I was the one who pursued it, but it wasn't easy. We were high school sweethearts and I guess I just always thought we'd be forever." She looked at him thoughtfully. "Probably like you did."
He sighed. "Sometimes everything goes wrong, even when you don't really want it to."
"Is that what happened for you?" She quickly waved her hand and looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I have no right to ask you that."
"It's okay." He considered what to say. "There were a lot of things that went wrong between me and Rayna. And it just needed to be over, I guess. And so it was."
"But you have your kids, so I guess that makes it harder."
He nodded. "It makes it more complicated, for sure."
She looked like she was trying to decide what to say next. When she did, he was surprised. "My husband – my ex – was not a good guy. He, well, you know, he could get really angry about stuff. He was always sorry afterwards, of course, and I stayed, thinking things would get better. And they would. For a while. But he's just an angry man and me getting a publishing deal didn't help. He wanted all that too and was mad that it was just for me."
His heart went out to her. It reminded him of the life he'd grown up in, with his father's physical abuse towards the family. He knew his mother had never been able to get herself out of it and he was glad Sadie had been able to find the courage to do it. "I'm so sorry, Sadie. That's a bad place to be in." He paused. "I grew up in that kind of family, so I know it's not easy. When it's good it can be really good, but when it's not, well, it's tough. So I'm glad you were able to get yourself out of it."
She looked sad. "Oh, Deacon, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
He shrugged. "It ain't nothin'. I don't talk about it. It's a hard kind of life. you just kinda want it to go away and you don't want people feeling sorry for you or nothin', so you don't talk about it. I was a kid, so there wasn't nothing I could do about it but live through it. But it follows you, for sure."
"I guess I just wish I'd been able to help him. But it felt impossible."
He shook his head. "That kinda thing don't change. It's best to be out of it." He looked at her carefully. "Are you safe?" He could tell she wasn't sure what he meant. "Is he gonna..."
She looked like she understood, then shook her head. "I don't think so. I think I'm good." She gave him a smile. "Thanks for talking to me. I appreciate it."
"You ever need to talk again, let me know."
She got up from the table. "I'll see you later then." She smiled and then walked out of the bar.
He was still sitting there a few minutes later. "Deacon?" He turned and saw Rayna standing there, looking concerned. "What are you doing here?"
He stood up. "I was, uh, talking to Sadie. She was just sitting here and I was checking on her." He wasn't sure that he should share with Rayna what Sadie had told him. He knew Rayna liked her a lot and was hoping to develop a friendship with her, but he thought it would be better if Sadie confided in her, if that's what she wanted to do.
"Is she okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah. She's good."
"Okay. Well, I'm actually glad I found you. I wanted to talk to you about something."
"You wanna do it now?"
"Yeah, I think so." She nodded towards the lobby. "Can we walk?"
They headed outside, where it was hot, although it was overcast. They were close to the ocean so there at least was a breeze that made it feel less oppressive. There was a park nearby and they headed in that direction. They walked quietly, Rayna leading them towards a sea wall that overlooked the ocean. The palm trees created a bit of shade and there weren't a lot of people around. She looked up at him, squinting against the sunlight.
"I've been thinking about what we've been talking about, trying to build some kind of family for us and for our kids. I know I've had a hard time getting past a lot of the pain and that seems to either put us at odds or make us have to go back to the start. I don't want to keep doing that and I don't think you do either." He shook his head. "I don't want to mislead you, Deacon. I don't know if there's anything left for us but to be parents to Maddie and Levi."
He looked out over the ocean. "That's what I figured."
"I want you to be happy. Just like I want to be happy. I think we both deserve that, don't you?"
He shrugged and looked back at her. "I guess."
"Well, I had an idea. We'd have to wait until the tour is over because it will involve a lot of time, but I think we should consider counseling or therapy. It's not couples counseling but I guess it would be like coexistence therapy or something. How do we work together going forward. For our kids." She held her hand up. "I want you to just think about it for now. Think about whether you can commit to this. Don't give me a knee jerk answer. Really consider what's at stake."
"I'll do whatever you..."
She shook her head. "I don't want your answer right this second. I want you to really think about it and consider that it won't be easy. It'll probably mean digging into a lot of stuff between us. Please really think carefully about it." She looked away for a second, then back at him. "I'll see you at sound check." Then she walked back towards the hotel.
Rayna
She hadn't necessarily planned to talk to Deacon just yet about the therapy sessions, but when she saw him it just felt like a good idea to go ahead and float the idea. She had wondered if there was some way for them to be able to work through all their issues so that they could try to create that family they wanted for their kids. The two of them had been unable to really talk to each other without things breaking down and she was at a loss as to what to do about it. The idea had come from a surprising source – her sister. It was both surprising Tandy had suggested it and surprising that she had even brought it up to her sister to start with. Tandy was not someone she would have typically talked to about Deacon.
"I just don't know what to do. Every time we try to talk it ends up being an argument or he wants to walk away or something," she said when Tandy had stopped by while she had her brief stop in Nashville.
"I could give you a suggestion, but I need to ask one question."
"What?"
"Is this so that you and Deacon can work things out and maybe get back together?"
"No, of course not." She didn't feel like that was in the cards for them. Privately she could admit to herself that she wondered if it were even possible. She knew, based on some of their interactions, that Deacon wanted that, and she also knew that when she'd been at the cabin she'd felt some of the old feelings. But it wasn't her real focus. "I just think we both agree we want to be good co-parents and create some kind of family for Levi and Maddie. Not just those drop off and pick up kinds of communications."
"Well, you could go to counseling. There are people out there who could help you two navigate that if you're serious about it."
"I am."
"I'll send you 2 names I know of and you can talk to them and see if it's what you're looking for. It's not marriage counseling though." Tandy had looked at her sternly.
She laughed. "I promise. That's not what I'm looking for."
She hadn't called either one yet, because she wanted to see if Deacon would even entertain it. She could tell he'd wanted to agree to it right away, but she wanted him to think about it, not get his hopes up that it would lead to more. It was a little scary to think about doing it, digging into old hurts and dredging up old pain. Once he confirmed he was interested, she would see about setting something up.
She hoped something like this would work. She knew she wasn't objective about Deacon and that she still struggled with anger and pain. She thought it could either be good for their kids or it could be a disaster. She just hoped it wouldn't be the latter.
A/N: The lyrics in the dreams Deacon and Rayna have are from Kiss You Tonight by David Nail and If I Didn't Know Any Better by Alison Krauss & Union Station.