A/N: Just a note to say that I don't feel real confident in my ability to write good therapy sessions, so I'm not going to spend lots of space on those, but there will be some and then some of the aftermath of those sessions between Rayna and Deacon as they make this journey. As always, I appreciate your reviews and comments. Hope you enjoy!
Deacon
He heard the elevator close behind him as he turned towards his room. He wasn't sure what had come over him. Maybe it was talking about therapy or counseling or whatever Rayna wanted to call it. Maybe it was because the kids weren't around and he wondered what would happen next. Maybe it was because he couldn't stop thinking about her and wanting to try to fix what they'd lost.
When he kissed her it had felt so natural. Everything about her was as he remembered it. Her soft lips, the taste of her mouth, the way she tilted herself into him, the feel of her arms around him. He got to his room and let himself in, throwing his key card on the credenza. He walked over to the window and looked out. There were no lights on in the room, the only light coming from the city lights outside. He wondered what she was thinking, what she was feeling. Wondered what she would say to him. Wondered what it would be like the next day.
He knew it could very likely be awkward between them at first. Maybe for a while. He wondered whether she would cancel the therapy session or let it go on as scheduled. And if they still went forward would they address it or would she ignore it. He closed his eyes for a moment. Whatever happened it had felt good to kiss her. She had responded to it and she was kissing him back. He breathed in deeply.
Rayna
She stood outside Deacon's door trying to decide what to do. At first she had decided they should talk right away, so she had left her room and come down to his floor. But now that she was standing there, anxiety was creeping in. She wasn't even completely sure what she would say or what she wanted to happen. Her emotions were all over the place and she clasped her hands together tightly, trying to breathe slowly in and out. Her heart was pounding and her stomach felt like it was tied in knots. What do I say? What do I even want?
She stood there for another minute and then finally she turned and walked back to the elevator. The doors opened immediately and she got on, pressing the button for her floor. I'm not ready.
She didn't see Deacon the next morning before they left Atlanta. Sadie rode in her bus so they could plan for their duet the next night at the Nashville show. They also did a little writing together but nothing that really came together as a song. But Sadie had promised they would get together once they were back in Nashville for a real writing session.
"So what will you be doing once we're back in Nashville?" Sadie asked.
"Well, first of all, I think I'll probably sleep for several days," she said. She and Sadie both laughed. "I haven't done a tour like this since the early days." She sighed. "I'm looking forward to spending time with my kids and just decompressing a bit. What about you?"
"I'll be working on my album. I'm supposed to go into the studio next month to start laying down tracks, so there's rehearsal that needs to happen and then some planning." Sadie smiled at her. "But you know how that is."
She nodded. "I sure do."
"I know you just put an album out earlier this year, so will you think about one for next year?"
She shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I feel like I need to take some time to write, but it could be that I do closer to the end of next year. I'll be touring again next year, of course, but there's not an urgency to have new material." She reached over and tapped Sadie's hand. "I'd like for you to open for me again, if that would work out."
Sadie beamed. "I would love that. I'll mention it to the label. And to my manager." It looked like she was going to say something, but she paused. "Um." She took a deep breath. "You can tell me if I'm out of line, but I know you mentioned that you asked Deacon to go out on the road this year because of your kids. Do you think you'd keep him in your band?" She waved her hand. "You don't have to answer that. I know I'm asking something personal. But it just seemed like it worked out well."
"It's alright." She smiled. "I feel like we're getting to know each other better and I hope we'll be friends after this."
Sadie smiled. "Oh, I would love that."
She let her smile fade a little. "The truth is I don't know about Deacon. It did go well. It could also be messy and awkward, although if we can keep things professional, maybe it would work. Lord knows I hate looking for new band members, especially lead guitar players," – she smirked – "and Deacon is the best out there. I think we'd have to discuss it if I decide to go that route. He might not want to." Based on the kiss in the elevator, she was pretty sure that wouldn't be the case, but she still wasn't sure what to do about that.
"Yeah, I could see that." Sadie sighed. "It's hard with exes, for sure."
"It can be. Will you see your ex at all?"
Sadie shook her head, but it seemed like there was a hint of sadness in that. "There's no reason to. He's back in Virginia and I hope he's starting to move on." The other woman looked at her with pain and confusion in her eyes. "How hard was it for you to move on? I just feel a little like I'm still struggling with it."
"It was hard. To be honest it was a little unexpected, although it really shouldn't have been, and then I was pregnant with my son. I had to focus on him and my daughter and figuring out how Deacon and I would co-parent and that's not easy. If we didn't have Maddie and Levi it would have been easier, I think." She paused for a moment. "But you'll be in Nashville and he's in Virginia, so I think that gives you space and distance to decide what you want to do next. You don't have anything that ties you to him, so I think you keep writing and take advantage of all that Nashville has to offer." She smiled then. "Get that record out and get ready for a big change in your life."
Sadie smiled. "That's what I want."
She reached over and grabbed Sadie's hands. "I want it for you too."
When they got back to Nashville and pulled into the Sound Check lot, she and Sadie embraced, promising to schedule a writing appointment. She stood next to her bus and watched the younger woman walk across the parking lot, then she looked over towards the band bus. When she saw Deacon step off, she called out to him. "Deacon!" He looked over and she took a few steps towards him. "You have a minute before you go?"
He seemed to hesitate at first, then walked over to where she stood. When he was standing in front of her, she noticed he looked a little guarded. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she felt a little heat on her face, but she wanted to stay calm. She wasn't ready to talk about what had happened the night before. "What's going on?" he asked.
"I just, um, wanted to let you know I emailed you the details about Saturday. The location and time. And it's Dr. Jensen."
He nodded. "Okay."
"Uh, also Hannah's going to bring Maddie and Levi to sound check tomorrow. They can't stay for the show because it's a school night, but they'll be there for a little while." She tried to smile. "They're really anxious to see you. Since you're not getting them until the weekend, I just thought, you know, that it made sense."
A little smile crossed his face. "I'm looking forward to seeing them. Thanks for letting them come."
"Of course." She breathed in slowly. "Okay, well, I guess I'll see you for sound check tomorrow then."
"I'll see you tomorrow." He looked at her for a moment and she knew he wanted her to say something, but she just couldn't. It was all still a swirl in her brain and she still hadn't taken the time to really process it yet. She didn't want to say anything too quickly or without thought. When she didn't say anything, he turned and walked back to the bus.
She turned away too, watching as her suitcases were coming off her bus. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Bucky walk up. She smiled. "Hey, Buck," she said.
He smiled back. "Hey there, Rayna. I know you're pretty excited to be home."
"I am. I can't wait to see Maddie and Levi. And sleep in my own bed."
"No doubt. Listen, we'll move everything over to the Sommet after everyone clears out. And then I'd like for us to get together, maybe in a week or so, to just go over some odds and ends."
She nodded. "Sounds good. Just let me know when." She put a hand on his arm. "I will see you tomorrow then."
He smiled. "See you tomorrow. Have a great night with the kids." He then turned and walked away from her.
She walked over to the car that would be taking her home. Her suitcases had been loaded into the trunk and she got in the backseat. The driver shut the door behind her and then got into the front seat. She leaned back and closed her eyes briefly, feeling some of the exhaustion from the tour start to fade away. As they pulled out of the parking lot, she saw that Deacon's truck was already gone. She was going to have to talk to him about the kiss at some point, about what it meant then and going forward. She needed to figure out what it meant for her first though. But she could do that later. For now she was focused on seeing her children again. She had missed them tremendously and couldn't wait to get home.
Deacon
When he pulled into the parking lot, there were few cars around. Not surprising, since it was a Saturday. The building was a 4 story medical building near Vanderbilt, surrounded by apartment buildings, coffee shops, small restaurants and shops. The area around it wasn't yet busy, even on Saturday. It was still a little early for people to be out and about. He had stopped to get a cup of coffee. He wondered if he should get one for Rayna, but decided she'd probably get one herself. He saw Rayna's car and parked next to it, with one parking space between them.
He was glad to be home again. Rayna's last show had been great. The arena was packed, even on a weeknight, and the fans had been at a fever pitch. She had sparkled onstage and it wasn't just the glittered dress she wore. Maddie and Levi had come for sound check and he had hugged them close when he saw them. He would be picking them up the next day for the week. Even though they'd only been gone a couple weeks, he'd still really missed them. He was glad to have gotten to spend some time with them.
Rayna had said nothing to him about the kiss in the elevator. He didn't know if it would come up in their session or if she was just planning to ignore it. She had responded to him though. Kissed him back, willingly. Maybe we should talk about that too while we're there. That's what he'd said to her. He guessed he'd just have to wait to see what she did.
He got out of his truck and headed for the building. Dr. Jensen's office was on the top floor, so he went to the elevator and pressed the button. Considering the building was empty, the elevator seemed very slow. Finally the doors opened and he got on, pressing the button for the 4th floor. The elevator slowly rose and the doors opened. He walked down to the suite number Rayna had given him and opened the door. She looked up as he walked in. He walked across the waiting room and sat next to her.
"Hey," he said. "Sorry I'm late."
"You're not. I was a little early." He noticed she did have a coffee. "Dr. Jensen should be out in a minute." He just nodded, sitting back and sipping on his coffee.
Just then a door opened and the man he guessed was Dr. Jensen walked out. "Rayna? Deacon? Thanks for coming." They stood up and walked over to meet them. He shook hands with them both. "I'm Dr. Jensen. Come on back."
When they were in his office and he'd closed the door, Dr. Jensen motioned for them to sit on the couch in his office. He settled into a chair across from them. "Thank you for doing this for us," Rayna said.
"Yeah, thanks for taking the time," he said.
"Not a problem." He sat back in his chair and looked at both of them. "Rayna spoke with me a little bit about what the two of you want to accomplish. We'll see where today leads us and then determine how to move forward from here." He leaned forward then, resting his arms on his legs. "This will likely get pretty intense, depending on how deeply we go. Truthfully, if you don't feel a little battered and bruised at the end of this, I won't have done my job. I want you to get out of your comfort zone and the beliefs you have about what has happened to you. I want you to be open to hearing each other in a non-judgmental way." He looked back and forth between the two of them. "Any questions before we start?" They both shook their heads. Dr. Jensen smiled. "Alright then. let's get started."
He had not been at all sure that giving up an entire day was necessary and couldn't imagine what they would talk about for all that time but as he drove home he felt drained and had a headache. Dr. Jensen had had them start from the very beginning and walk him through their history. He'd been a little surprised, although he probably should not have, at the residual bitterness Rayna still carried from those earlier days. They had only barely started to touch on what led to him leaving her for his try at a solo career. The emotions that it had all dredged up had been exhausting. He almost felt like he was reliving the days when he was an active drunk, listening to Rayna's anger and pain and devastation. He'd felt defensive and had lashed back out at her, which had only led to more heated discussion.
At one point during the day, Dr. Jensen had met with each of them separately, digging down into some of the specifics of what they'd covered and asking questions designed to open up the feelings and memories he'd long tried to hide from. It had reminded him too much of rehab, all that time spent talking about why he drank and what he was going to do to change that. He'd made numerous lists of his shortcomings and what he would do to overcome them. Lists of people he'd wronged – Rayna always at the very top – and how he would make amends. The hardest part for him had always been continuing to evaluate himself, continuing to acknowledge his shortcomings and work to correct them. When he'd finally come to the place where he could keep doing it he'd found a way out of the dark cycle he'd lived in for so many years. He still did it, which was the purpose of his AA meetings, so it was fairly easy to recite all of it for Dr. Jensen.
Except that Dr. Jensen had called him out on it. Challenged him to think about why he still had made the choices he had. The cycle he and Rayna had lived with – betrayal, destruction, abandonment, forgiveness – it was still there. Except that this time forgiveness hadn't come. It was how they'd ended the session, with the two of them together trying to figure out next steps. Rayna had agreed that she wasn't at the point of forgiveness and it had pierced him like an arrow to hear her say it out loud. So now, as he pulled up in front of his house, the weight of it felt almost too much to bear. The prospect that she might never be able to get to that place of forgiveness practically drove him to his knees.
Rayna
She had made her choice about a therapist and had made the appointment, sending the details to Deacon. It was a Saturday and Dr. Jensen had offered them a full day appointment as a sort of jump start. Assuming it was a productive session, they could then schedule future appointments on a regular schedule. She'd been nervous. She thought Deacon probably had been too. She had acknowledged to herself that it might all show that they were somewhat at an impasse. She wasn't sure exactly how she felt about that and she thought it probably had to do with the amount of trauma in the relationship. She promised herself she would be at peace with whatever the outcome turned out to be.
Dr. Jensen turned out to be very different than she had expected, although she wasn't sure exactly what she thought a therapist would be like. He was middle-aged but seemed pretty high energy. As he shared what the session would be like, he told them he would ask a lot of questions designed to get them to explore the areas of struggle. He said he would challenge them on some of their answers in order to get them to really dig deep. If you don't feel a little battered and bruised at the end of this, I won't have done my job. I want you to get out of your comfort zone and the beliefs you have about what has happened to you. I want you to be open to hearing each other in a non-judgmental way. She thought it would be an interesting exercise.
It had been another long day and she felt like she'd been beaten up. Again. It was their 2nd session and another day long one. They had been focusing on the period of time just before Deacon had left through her pregnancy with Levi. Dr. Jensen had definitely not misled them. It had been tough, especially when he pushed for them to go deeper. One thing she had noticed – and that Dr. Jensen had confirmed – was that she tended to be the one who fought more. She was more decisive and clear in what she expected and what she wanted and she had no problem with pushing back on Deacon. Deacon was the one who seemed to withdraw, which was not surprising. He drank to escape and once he was sober he would still sometimes disappear, sometimes literally and sometimes just through withdrawing. It was frustrating and made her wonder if they would ever be able to resolve this.
When they left Dr. Jensen's office, the sun was starting to make its way to the horizon. It was late September, so still warm and there wasn't much of a breeze. The parking lot was mostly empty, except for his truck and her car. They walked silently, as she checked her phone. Then he turned to her and she looked up at him.
"Is there a reason for us to keep doing this?" he asked, sounding defeated.
She frowned. "So, what, you're just going to give up?"
He threw his hands up. "Rayna, am I gonna just magically be able to undo everything? You gonna just forget all of it? It didn't sound like it in there."
She put her hands on her hips. "It's not going to just get fixed after a couple of sessions. Or is that the problem?"
"No, Rayna, but this is who we are. What's gonna change about that?"
"Deacon, this is more than changing one thing. This is more than just how we get past the last 5 years. This is more than just me forgiving you or you figuring out why that all happened. There's just too much pain to think it can all be fixed in just a couple of sessions. That was what I told you from the beginning. And so I go back to what I asked – you're going to give up?"
"Is that what you want?"
"Is that what you want?" He seemed to not know what to say. She huffed. "Well, here's what I think. We've got a whole lot of history and I'd say more than half of it is painful and tumultuous. But the part that wasn't was beautiful and magical. I thought we both wanted to try to figure out how to get the magic back somehow. I don't think I'll ever completely forget how you walked out on our family and tried to make it seem like it was all my fault. But I could begin to get past it if we could talk about it honestly and see if we can get over that hump. Actually talk about all of it. And I get that I've got some work to do too, so it's not all on you. But unless we're both on board this won't work."
He didn't respond immediately. "So you're saying you want to keep doing this?" he asked finally.
She nodded. "I do. I'm not ready to give up. But if that's where you are, I can't do this alone. So, is that what you want?"
He shifted from one foot to the other. Then he looked down for a moment and then back at her. "No," he whispered. "No, it's not."
She moved her arms and crossed them over her chest. "Okay then. So I'll call on Monday and schedule the next appointment." She breathed in. "I'll let you know when it is." Then she walked around to the driver's side of her car and opened the door. She looked back at him. "I know this is hard. It's tearing me up inside to go through all this. But I think it's important if we ever want to get back to being a family." She got into the car and shut the door. As she drove out of the parking lot, she looked in her rearview mirror and she saw him still standing there next to his truck.
On the way home she had stopped and picked up a pizza. When she walked in the door, Levi raced up to her. "Pizza, pizza, pizza!" he cried. She smiled and set the pizza down on the kitchen island.
"Yes, pizza, little man," she said. "Can you go wash your hands?"
"Yes!" She watched as he ran down the hall to the powder bath. She turned to Hannah, who was in the den and had stood up when she arrived. "You are welcome to stay and eat pizza with us," she said.
Hannah smiled. "Thanks for offering, but I think I'm going to head home."
"I know it's been a long week and I appreciate you hanging out with the kids today." She didn't know what she'd do without her longtime nanny. Hannah took care of the kids whenever she was out on the road, riding the bus with them when Maddie and Levi were with her. Now that both kids were in school, her hours were less, but she felt like a member of the family.
"You know I love doing it. I know Deacon picks them up tomorrow and he's given me the schedule there."
She thought for a moment about the session they'd had and Deacon's comment about whether it was having the intended effect. This is who we are. What's gonna change about that? He wasn't completely wrong – it was unlikely that these sessions would change who they were at their core – but she believed it would help them navigate the relationship better. She supposed part of his frustration was because she had not addressed the kiss. They needed to, but she hadn't been ready. "Yes, he does. Have a great rest of your weekend then." She watched as Hannah picked up her things and left. Then Levi came running back into the kitchen and jumped up on one of the stools at the island.
"Mom," he said. "I'm ready for pizza."
She smiled. "I know you are. Let me get your sister so we can eat." Levi let out a long overly dramatic sigh and she couldn't help but chuckle just a little. As she headed for the stairs, she thought again about the day she and Deacon had had. Their children were the reason she wasn't ready to give up. But she knew that it was approaching the point where she and Deacon were going to have to face the hardest parts of their past and whatever their future would be. She wouldn't be able to put that off much longer.
Deacon
He woke up to the sun shining brightly through the curtains above his bed. He turned to look at the clock and saw that it was a little after 6. Even in late September it was still bright and sunny early in the morning. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, rubbing his face. He got up and walked into his bathroom. He turned the shower on and, after it had heated up, he stripped his t-shirt and shorts off and climbed in. As he rubbed soap over his body and shampooed his hair, he started to come alive. Then he smiled to himself. It was Levi's birthday. This year Levi and Maddie were with him on his son's actual birthday. Rayna had a party scheduled for him on Sunday, when he took them home.
He thought back on the day Levi was born. He'd been at a cowrite appointment in the middle of nowhere, with no cell service, and had missed Rayna's first calls and texts. By the time he was back in cell range he discovered she was already at the hospital. He was not proud of the fact that he'd essentially abandoned Rayna during her pregnancy. It was something they had started to talk about in therapy and, although he knew he'd been wrong, he had been surprised at how raw her anger still was. He probably shouldn't have been, but it had been clear that it was not an issue they would resolve easily. Or maybe at all.
That was a kick in the gut. He couldn't explain his actions during that time, although Dr. Jensen was pressing him to really search for the answers. The truth was he didn't want to search for them. Nothing he could say would justify it. He was afraid it was something that would always be there between them, something Rayna would never be able to forgive him for. He'd been selfish then. He was focused on building that solo career and he couldn't let anything get in the way. Not even the upcoming birth of his son. But when he'd held Levi for the first time, he had known what a mistake he had made. He would be there from that point forward, but he had missed out on the joy of anticipation. That feeling he'd had about Rayna's pregnancy with Maddie. Even though he'd started that journey in rehab, he'd been a part of that journey, and it had strengthened his resolve to stay sober and be a good father to his daughter. And husband to Rayna.
He'd ultimately failed on that last part. He'd been a good dad, he knew that. He loved his children more than his own life. At least he'd done that.
The water was starting to cool and he turned it off. He pushed back the shower curtain and grabbed a towel. He dried off, then wrapped the towel around his waist as he dried his hair. Then he went back in the bedroom and got dressed. It still wasn't time to get the kids up, so he thought he'd get started with the pancake batter so he'd be ready to make breakfast. He got out blueberries and chocolate chips and put them in bowls, along with syrup. He got out the ingredients for pancakes and then put place settings at the island. He got the batter ready, then went to wake up the kids.
He carefully opened the door to Levi's room. His son was sprawled on the bed on his stomach, the sheets bunched down around his feet. He remembered when he had set this room up for Levi, back when he was a newborn. The crib and all the other baby furniture were long gone, replaced by a regular bed and a toy chest. He'd had a mural painted on one wall that looked like a fish tank with all kinds of colorful fish. Levi was becoming his fishing buddy at the cabin and had loved the mural wall. He felt tears prick his eyes as he gazed at the little boy. He had not done right by Levi's mom before he was born, but he'd tried to make it up at least by being the dad Levi deserved. He hoped he'd gotten it right.
He walked over and sat on the edge of Levi's bed, putting his hand on the back of his son's head. "Hey, buddy," he said softly. "It's your birthday." Levi screwed up his face and then slowly opened his eyes. "Happy birthday," he said with a smile. "You want birthday pancakes before school?"
A sleepy smile crossed Levi's face as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. He had a red mark on his cheek where he'd pressed it against the wrinkled pillowcase and his hair was standing up every which way. "Yep," he said, his voice groggy. "Birthday pancakes please."
He was standing on the front stoop with Rayna. Levi had enjoyed his party and now he was kind of glad Rayna was the one to deal with Levi's after party craziness. Levi was still young enough that some of his friends' parents stayed for the party so it had meant that he and Rayna could stay in their own lanes. It wasn't that they couldn't interact congenially, because they did, but they were both raw from their sessions with Dr. Jensen. Lamar had also been at the party, which he knew upped Rayna's agitation. It had upped his as well. Lamar Wyatt had never been a fan of his and was even less of one now.
Rayna was standing there with her hands clasped in front of her. She bit down a little on her lower lip. "I think he enjoyed the party," she said.
He nodded. "He did."
She hesitated a second. "I know things have been sort of, well, tense between us. I really don't want it to be that way, but I also think we've done some good work together."
He supposed it wasn't a surprise if she thought so, considering they seemed to be focused on her hurt. but they also were still in the beginning stages of this so he hoped that would soon feel true for him too.
"Yeah," he said.
"I think Maddie and Levi seeing us here for them is what's most important. Doing things together with them. It's all good."
He breathed in slowly. "I don't think we're doing anything different than we done before. Maddie and Levi seen us like this before."
He had expected her to disagree with him on that, so he was surprised when she did not. "You're right. But I want us to do more. That's what I hope all this time with Dr. Jensen is going to help with." She wrapped her arms around her waist. "Deacon, you are still family. Things went off the rails, but I believe we can find a way back. It's what I want. Do you?"
He nodded. "Course I do."
"I'll see you Wednesday morning then?" They had a morning session with Dr. Jensen and he was hopeful they could start pushing forward, moving on from where they were.
"Yeah. I'll be there."
She seemed to sense he didn't want to talk and, for once it seemed, she didn't push. She put a hand on his arm and smiled. "It was good seeing you today. I really hope we can do things like this more often." Then she made a face. "Maybe without the party aspect though."
He smiled back, chuckling just a little. "Definitely without the party," he said. He took a step back. "I guess I'll see you Wednesday then."
She just nodded, so he turned and headed down the walkway to his truck. As he pulled out of her driveway and headed for home, he hoped they could find a way out of this stagnant place they were in and forge a better path forward.
Sometimes he wondered if the therapy sessions would ever get them to a place where they weren't constantly at odds. At the end of every session he wanted to quit, but after the first time he didn't say that to Rayna. He didn't want her to think he didn't want it to work. But it was grueling and in many ways it felt like all the fighting they'd done back when he was still drinking. In those days, as long as he wasn't drinking, life was amazing. Writing songs together, passionate lovemaking punctuating those sessions. Rayna was happy and loving and it always reminded him that life with her was imminently better than life without her. In those days, he knew his life would be better if he could be better and it was always his intent to stay sober, to not let the demons drag him down. But those times never lasted. He wasn't always sure why he felt compelled to drink. Sometimes it was rowdy guys who came on to Rayna. Sometimes it was hanging out with his friend, Vince. Sometimes it was just because it was what he did. He'd start off with one drink or two and before he knew it it was a whole bottle or more. He never wanted it to be that way, but it felt like something he couldn't control. You're gonna be just like me. That's what his father always said to him and it had felt like a self-fulfilling prophesy.
The whole point of rehab was supposed to be to figure out why he drank and find ways to stop. But the desire to drink – the need – was greater than the desire to stop. He would try, of course, and he could do it for 6 months, maybe a year, but something would always happen to drag him back into that vortex. And the more that happened, the more he disappointed Rayna and the more they fought. After Vince died, he lost his desire to stop. Drinking helped drown out the voices that hounded him about his responsibility for his best friend's death. Except it kept taking more and more to get the voices to leave him alone. Not that they ever truly went away. And that was when Rayna had said she was done. She'd said it before, but she'd always come back. Except that last time she had not. At least not until she came to tell him she was pregnant with Maddie.
He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. Once again the session was focused on his actions prior to his leaving and then immediately afterwards. Especially how he had treated her while she was pregnant. It had been discussed several times and while he apologized every time, it never seemed to be enough. He looked over at her. Her face looked pinched with anger, her lips pressed together in a tight line, a furrow between her brows. "Will we ever talk about anything other than this?" he asked, feeling weary.
Her eyebrows popped up and her eyes flashed with anger. "Are you...?"
He sat up. He didn't want to get into this same spiral with her. "I'm sorry," he interrupted. "What I need to know is how I can make amends for that so it don't keep standing in our way forever. I feel like if I don't do that, we keep going around in circles, not getting anywhere."
She looked at him and he wasn't sure how she was going to react. Then she just seemed to deflate. "I don't know," she said, looking defeated.
"Are you ever gonna be able to forgive me, Rayna? 'Cause if you can't, I ain't sure we're ever gonna get past this." She didn't respond, but he wasn't sure if it was that she didn't know or that she wondered if she ever could.
At that point, Dr. Jensen stepped in. "That's actually a very good question, Deacon, and one that I think needs an answer. Maybe this is what the two of you need to think about until our next session. Rayna, what would it take for you to forgive Deacon? Remember that forgiving someone doesn't mean what happened goes away, but it frees you to move forward. And Deacon, what happens if she can't do that? What if the hurt is such that it can't be fixed or, as you said, it's standing in the way of moving forward. I think it's something that requires a lot of thought, from both of you. We can talk more about that next time."
The silence in the room was palpable. It seemed obvious to him that they were at a crossroads. He wondered if she saw it the same way. Finally he stood up and she did as well. Then they both walked out of Dr. Jensen's office and out to the parking lot, not saying a word to each other as they walked to their cars and drove away in opposite directions. He couldn't help but feel like it was a metaphor for everything they were going through.