Deacon
He had just turned down the street that led to Rayna's house. "Dad?" Maddie said from the back seat.
"Yeah?" He glanced at her in the rearview mirror and smiled.
"Where will we be on Thanksgiving?" This year he had Maddie and Levi the week of Thanksgiving and Rayna had them for Christmas.
"I thought we could go to the cabin. What do you think?"
"I like it. Will we be there the whole week?"
He chuckled and shook his head. "No. Y'all got school at the beginning of the week. We'll drive up after school on Wednesday. You know what you want for Thanksgiving?"
"Pizza!" Levi called out. "I want pizza!"
"Don't y'all want turkey and everything?"
"No," Levi said firmly. "Pizza!"
"What about you, Maddie?"
She smiled. "I like pizza."
He shrugged. "Alright. Pizza it is then." He doubted there would be a pizza place anywhere around there that would be open on the holiday, but the kids wouldn't mind if they had frozen pizza. He turned into Rayna's driveway and parked his truck, getting out to help the kids get out and get all their gear together. He watched as they ran up to the front door and then saw the door open. He was still standing there when Rayna walked out onto the stoop. He headed towards her, holding the kids' stuff in his hands. "Do you mind if I come in for a minute?" he asked.
She stepped back. "Sure," she said.
"I'll take these upstairs," he said as he walked in. He didn't wait for a response before heading up the stairs. He dropped off suitcases in the appropriate rooms, then came back down the stairs. Rayna was not in the entryway, so he walked towards the great room, where he expected she and the kids would be. Rayna was busying herself in the kitchen and the kids were already settled in on the couch with the TV on. He walked over and put a hand on the back of the couch. "Hey, I'll see y'all later," he said. They murmured goodbyes that clearly showed they were already distracted by whatever it was on the TV screen. He turned and Rayna was standing at the island. She gave him a weary smile and a shrug.
"Sorry," she said.
He shook his head. Then he walked into the kitchen and around the island to stand next to her. "Can we talk?"
She raised her eyebrows. "Now?"
"Yeah."
She hesitated for a moment. She looked over at the kids first, then sighed. "We can go in my office." When she had moved into the house, she had repurposed the formal dining room into an office/music room. She had added French doors to provide separation and privacy, although the glass allowed for easy viewing when needed. He followed her down the hall and then closed the doors behind them. She turned to face him.
He had thought about what he wanted to say for the last several days. In his last private session with Dr. Jensen, the therapist had asked him if he could articulate his reasons for separating himself from Rayna when he decided to pursue a solo career. Most of the conflict between them centered around that time frame as well as the immediate aftermath.
Dr. Jensen sat forward in his chair. "Deacon, it's clear that Rayna's issues focus around your decisions about a solo career and then how they carried forward after you left, most specifically during the time she was pregnant with Levi. You haven't really dug into that. Can you do that now?"
He sat back on the couch and frowned. "I already said I knew I was selfish."
"But why? What was behind why you chose to exclude her?"
"I didn't exclude her. But she wasn't supportive."
"What does that mean?" He started to respond but Dr. Jensen shook his head. "Why did you think she wasn't supportive? And more importantly, why didn't you want her to be?"
"I did want her to be."
"She feels like she was supportive but that you kept things to yourself. Do you understand why she might feel that way?"
He huffed and then fumed a little. It was clear though that Dr. Jensen wanted an answer, so he had to try. "She kept talking about if I was gonna be in her band, work on her record. It was constant. It felt like that's all she cared about."
"Was it wrong for those things to matter to her? As she was planning a tour and a record? Is it unreasonable for her to want to know if you were available? Or not?"
He sat with that for a second. In truth it wasn't unreasonable. He knew that. He knew she needed to know who she would be working with. "I guess not," he said.
"So, what drove your communication? Or lack of communication."
He struggled to formulate a response. Dr. Jensen sat quietly, waiting. Finally he sat up on the couch and dropped his head. "I came to Nashville to be a solo artist. It was my dream. My plan. But I met Rayna and I put it on the backburner to work with her." He looked up. "I never regretted doing that. She was everything to me and I would have done anything to support her."
"Even put your own dreams aside?"
He nodded. "Yeah. I mean, she knew that's what I'd wanted and when I got that record deal she was excited. It just felt like she was okay with it as long as it didn't mess with her plans."
"Did the two of you talk about it?"
"I told her what I wanted to do. It's just every time all she ever seemed to want to talk about was how it messed up her plans."
"So then what?"
He felt a knot in his stomach. "I made decisions and then told her what I'd done."
"Why did you do that?"
He put his elbows on his knees and then rubbed his hands over his face. "I was gonna do it how I wanted. How I would have done it in the beginning. And I wouldn't've been asking her back then." He paused. "She'd decided everything for all the years we were together. This was something I wanted to do on my own. So, I did." He felt like crying and didn't want to, but a stray tear rolled down his cheek. He reached up to brush it away. "I spent so many years not being able to make my own decisions because of my drinking. I was finally sober and I felt strong and I didn't want her weighing in anymore." He took a deep breath and let it out. "And I took it too far," he said finally, his voice barely above a whisper.
He thought about that conversation and finally was starting to really understand how hurtful he'd been from the start, from her perspective. All he'd thought about was that he didn't feel like he could do anything on his own and he had wanted to prove to himself that he could. Everything else had gotten lost in his determination to do just that. He looked at Rayna, waiting there for him to say something. He took a deep breath.
Rayna
She was nervous even before Deacon brought the kids home. She was sure he would want to talk and she had struggled not to anticipate what he would say and be ready with a response. In one of their sessions, Dr. Jensen had wanted her to listen and although she didn't know exactly what Deacon would say, she wanted to try to listen without judgment. When he'd asked to talk, she'd brought him into the room she used as both an office and a music room. It was not an ideal music room, as it sat at the front of the house and had a wall of windows. It wasn't the private space she would have preferred but it was serviceable. The few guitars she had were on stands and her grand piano was in one corner. There were couches and tables and a desk where she did keep contracts and other business related papers. Her gold and platinum record plaques were on the walls and her Grammys and CMAs and ACM awards were displayed in built in bookcases. The doors were mostly glass, so she could close them but not feel completely cut off when the kids were home. It worked.
She thought he seemed nervous too. He slid a thumb into one of his jean pockets, seeming like he wanted to take a, what, defensive posture? Confident posture? Maybe more confident that he really was? She clasped her hands together in front of her, realizing her hands were shaking a little. She ran her tongue over her upper lip while she waited.
He took a deep breath. "Rayna, I loved you the minute I saw you the first time. I ain't never stopped loving you, although I know you probably don't believe that. Truthfully, if I were you, I probably wouldn't believe it either, 'cause I sure didn't act like I did there for a while. I didn't want you in my business and I was afraid if I let you, you'd turn it all upside down. Not that I really had a reason to think you'd do that, but I didn't want no one getting in the way. And because I'd gone for so long having given up the right to make my own choices 'cause of my drinking, I thought it was my turn. So I did things I ain't proud of and I ended up pushing the person I loved most in the world out of my life. You."
He screwed up his face, looking like he was in great pain. "The thing I regret the most is not being there for you when you were pregnant with Levi. I didn't want to get pulled back in and so I stayed away and missed out on all of that. I don't know how I ever make that up to you. If I could go back and fix all that, I would, I promise. I ain't sure I can forgive myself for that, so I understand why you can't. I just want a chance to do right, to be better, and never hurt you that way again." She could see tears in his eyes and she felt a pain in her gut.
"It would serve me right if you still tell me to go on, that you don't have room in your life for me. You did it once, with Luke, you could do it again. And I'd deserve that. But the idea that" – he seemed to struggle getting the words out – "I might lose you forever? Well, I can't even think about that." He ran his hand through his hair as if he seemed to be trying to pull himself together. "I know this stuff with Dr. Jensen's supposed to be about being better parents together, but I just want to actually be parents together. The way it was supposed to be. The way we always talked about. Remember how we talked about growing old together, making music and raising our kids? Back even at the beginning?" She nodded, feeling a lump in her throat. It was all she'd really ever wanted. With him. "That's still what I want, Ray. You and me and Maddie and Levi. We should all be together, like that.
"I want us to wake up together in the mornings, make breakfast with our kids. All of us make music together, even Levi." He smiled just a little. "I wanna take 'em to school together and then maybe go somewhere for a late breakfast while we laugh and talk about whatever's going on in our lives. I wanna wake up on Christmas morning together and watch 'em open presents and get excited about what they got. Play in the snow together. Weekends at the cabin. Picnics at the park. Riding on your tour bus together. Me and you writing together again. And all that includes. I want all of that, Ray. With you.
"I kissed you in that elevator and I know you felt it. I know you want it. And I know it scares you. I know you aren't sure you can trust me. I don't know what all the future would bring, but I know that I would do everything I could to be the man you want me to be. Actually I think I already am. I just want the chance to prove it to you. I want us to have the chance to be a family again, all of us. The way we always wanted."
"Deacon..."
He shook his head. "Don't say nothing now. Think about it. I love you, Rayna. I'll always love you. No matter what you decide, that's just always gonna be true." He drew in a breath and held one hand up. "I'm going up to the cabin from here. I got some work I need to do up there and I figure this is a good time to do it. If you want to call or even come up, that's fine. Or if you wanna wait, that's okay too." He started to turn, then stopped. "Whatever you decide, I'll accept. If you want us to keep going to Dr. Jensen, I'll do that. Just know I love you, no matter what." Then he turned, opened the doors, and walked out. She was still standing there as she heard him leave the house and then heard him start the truck and pull out.
I love you, Rayna. I'll always love you. No matter what you decide, that's just always gonna be true. She took two steps over to the couch and sank down on it. She looked out the window. It was a gray day and she could see the wind blowing the tree limbs. Leaves floated down to the ground, collecting on the grass. Oddly, she thought about the fact that her lawn service would be coming that week and would collect the leaves. Then more would fall to replace them. The holidays were approaching. Maddie and Levi would be with Deacon for Thanksgiving and she would go to her father's for his traditional late lunch. The thought depressed her. She wondered if Deacon would take the kids to the cabin for Thanksgiving. That sounded like more fun.
She felt tears in her eyes. He had touched on so many things that she missed. Weekends at the cabin. Christmas mornings. Riding on her tour bus, snuggled up together in her artist's suite. Writing together – whether at home, in a park, on the road, in a hotel. She felt a sob well up in her chest and breathed in deeply, trying to keep it at bay. I love you, Rayna. I'll always love you. No matter what you decide, that's just always gonna be true.
Life with Deacon had been tumultuous and heartbreaking at its worst, magical at its best. Life without him, especially after Levi was born, had eventually felt more normal. Calmer, less frenetic, healthier. It was what she'd thought life with Luke would be. Maybe not that storybook life kind of thing, but something that wasn't so fraught with volatility and pain. She probably hadn't been as ready as she'd thought to tie herself to someone else, in the end, but she'd told herself that was what she wanted. Even if she let herself trust Deacon though, believe he'd learned from his mistakes, she thought she might always be looking over her shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop, wondering when he would disappoint her again. And now there were two children to think about, children who understood more of what went on around them. They loved their father – there was no doubt about that – but could she risk the chance that there would be heartache again?
I love you, Rayna. I'll always love you. No matter what you decide, that's just always gonna be true.
After she dropped off first Maddie, then Levi at school, she drove down Woodmont Blvd. towards the cemetery where her mom was buried. She had tossed and turned all night, unable to stop thinking about what Deacon had said. She was exhausted and had a headache, but she needed some clarity. When she got to the cemetery, she drove down the winding roads until she got to her mom's gravesite. She pulled over to the curb and sat for a moment. She didn't come here often anymore. She and Tandy always tried to come on the anniversary of her death to pay their respects and talk about what they remembered about her. Tandy, being older at the time, remembered more, but as the years passed the memories grew a little hazier.
She opened the door and stepped onto the road. It was a chilly day but the sun was shining and the sky was blue. She shut the door and buttoned up the coat she was wearing. She stepped onto the grass and walked across the grounds to where Virginia Wyatt was buried. The trees were losing their leaves and the breeze caused more to fall. She also heard the rustling of the leaves still on the trees. When she got to the gravesite, she looked up, squinting at the brightness of the sky. She sat on the ornate iron bench her father had had placed in front of the gravestone. She wrapped her arms around her waist and shivered just a little.
She smiled tentatively. "Hey Mom," she said. "It's just me this time." She sighed softly. "I wish you were here. I feel like things would be very different if you were. Or maybe they'd still be the same, but I'd at least have you to talk to about all this stuff going on in my life." She sat quietly for a moment. "I wish I could talk to you about Deacon, hear what you would say about all this. You know how I've struggled with this... separation. I was so hurt, so angry, at first and I promised myself I wouldn't go backwards." She felt a tightness in her throat. "I love him so much," she said, hearing the shakiness in her voice, knowing she was near tears. "Even after everything he did, I love him. I think I always will. But he hurt me so much and I'm so afraid that we'll just live in this cycle forever. I know you can love someone even when it's not good to be with that person. That's how I've thought about this. It just wasn't good for Deacon and me to be together. Even though we have these beautiful children together." She smiled sadly. "You'd love them, Mom. They're so different and yet they're both so kind and loving. Every time I look at them, I see him. I see these beautiful children we made together, and I really wish that we could be a family, but I just don't see how I can do that. Or at least I didn't."
She slid down from the bench and knelt before her mother's gravestone, reaching out and placing one hand against the cold stone. "He wants us to try again. He says he's changed and he's owned up to the things he did. But I remember all those times before when he would say that and yet nothing actually changed at all. How can I really be sure I won't get hurt again? More importantly, that my children won't get hurt. I keep thinking that I can't do this again if there's even a chance he'd break their hearts. But is that fair? Do I just make a leap of faith? I just don't know."
She felt tears on her cheeks and she tried rubbing them away with the back of her hand. "I just don't know the right thing to do anymore. I don't know if I should give him a chance, knowing he could disappoint me again, or do I stay the course, protecting my heart and the hearts of my children. I know you always told me I should follow my heart, but my heart's been so broken and I feel like I've just now put it all back in place. Do I risk breaking it all over again?" She sighed. "I know what I want to do. I guess I just wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me what the future holds." She got back up on her feet and sat back down on the bench. She lifted her face to the sun and closed her eyes.
She felt like she was waiting for some sort of sign or a message. She still felt the same uncertainty about what to do after her visit to her mom's grave. Somehow she was hoping she'd hear an answer or feel something inside that would tell her what to do, but it hadn't happened. She had not had an answer to any prayers. She didn't dream about what she should do. She didn't want to make a mistake though. These days she wasn't even sure she knew who she was anymore.
She thought about when she had broken things off with Luke. A big part of the reason was she didn't feel they were on the same path. He was a good man and he loved her – and she loved him – but their life philosophies weren't aligned. She probably could have married him and they could have made a reasonably good life together and it would have saved her from having to make a decision about Deacon. Luke didn't have the baggage Deacon did. But she had felt like she wasn't being true to herself and so she had ended things.
In so many ways she and Deacon were different. Their backgrounds were certainly different. She felt like it had mattered to him more than it had mattered to her, but their love seemed to have transcended all those differences. Music was their connection and the way they spoke to each other through their music was just magical. She could be herself with him. Her true self. Growing up in Belle Meade, she'd always known she didn't fit in. When she was growing up, she had wondered sometimes if she'd been adopted. The things that mattered to Tandy didn't matter to her. She'd been so young when her mom died that she hadn't had the benefit of her guidance and so she was often left to figure things out for herself.
Deacon understood her. He knew her almost better than she knew herself. He challenged her in many ways, especially musically. They'd grown up together. They'd both often said that. They knew what the other was thinking. They could communicate almost without words. She hadn't loved Luke the way she'd loved Deacon. She'd always known that, but her love for Deacon had been like a hurricane. It was intense and passionate and tumultuous and volatile and unpredictable. The fights were as big as a giant thunderstorm, yet when it was over they always found their way back, the calm after the storm. She could be raw and honest and real with him and he loved her anyway. The same was true for her. Seeing the worst of each other never had changed the love. Yet when he'd made the decision to pursue his own career, with no guardrails, it had rocked her world. He was not who she'd known for all those years. He was... someone else. And it had torn them apart.
The 2 days at the cabin before Christmas had revealed the Deacon she'd known before. She wasn't sure how long that had been true because she'd never allowed herself to think about it. But being forced by circumstances to slow down and relate to each other again had rattled her as well. She saw the Deacon she had fallen in love with. And it had scared her to death. She'd been frantic to leave, before she found herself being lulled back into what she felt was a false sense of security. What happened in that elevator had brought it all back. Only this time she hadn't actually pushed him away. He'd just left. And she didn't know what to do with it.
She walked upstairs to get a book she'd left in her bedroom. She stopped at Maddie's door and saw that the light was still on next to her bed. She quietly walked in. Maddie was asleep, turned away from the light, so she reached in and turned it off. Maddie made a little mumbling noise and shifted slightly, then was still. She smiled as she looked at her daughter, illuminated slightly by the light in the hallway. Now 9½, she was starting to assert herself more. She hated the glasses she had to wear, so she sat for long periods of time in front of her mirror trying to find ways to fix her hair to make herself 'look prettier'. She hated that her daughter was even conscious of things like that. Maddie was beautiful, with a sweet smile and the same deeply expressive eyes her father had. She was really into music, both singing and playing guitar. She was blown away by Maddie's skill with the guitar at her age, but she was certainly learning from the best – her father. She didn't want her to grow up too fast though and she was glad Maddie wasn't jaded by the celebrity of her parents just yet. She smiled again, then turned and left the room, closing the door softly behind her.
Catty corner across the hall was Levi's room. His door was cracked just slightly. He didn't like sleeping with the door completely closed. She wasn't quite sure why, because he wouldn't tell her, so she had put a nightlight in the hallway just in case. She stood at his door and opened it just a little more, looking in on her sleeping son. He was sprawled across his bed and she opened the door all the way, walking in to be sure he was covered with a blanket. He was her perpetually sunny child – always talking, always with a smile on his face, constantly moving. He was starting to align himself a bit more with Deacon – that boys thing. It was bittersweet. Deacon had been relieved when Maddie was a girl. She knew he struggled with the idea that he couldn't be a good father to a son. But he'd done beautifully with Levi and it was clear the little boy worshipped his father.
"Guess what, Mom?" Levi said, his face bright with excitement.
"What, sweetie?" she responded with a smile.
"Dad said we're going to the cabin for Thanksgiving. And we're gonna have pizza!"
That surprised her. "For Thanksgiving or just while you're there?"
"For Thanksgiving. Dad promised."
"Wow. Well, that's different. So no turkey?"
Levi made a face and shook his head hard. "No. Pizza."
"Well, that sounds like fun. I'll have to get by with just turkey at Papaw's."
Levi had told her that when she was putting him to bed the night Deacon had brought them home. She was sure pizza had been Levi's idea. It was his favorite. But she loved that Deacon was so agreeable to it. She sighed. Her son and her daughter were the most precious beings in her life. She felt a huge responsibility to make sure they were happy and healthy and that their lives were as free of pain and disappointment as she could manage. All these decisions were going to impact them and she was always mindful that she held their hearts in her hands.
Maddie and Levi were upstairs brushing their teeth and getting their things together when Hannah came in through the back door. "Hey Rayna," she said.
"Hey." She smiled. "Thank you so much for doing this for me."
"No problem. Always happy to help out. You know that."
"I do. So, I should be back by late afternoon, but it's possible it might be a little later. Definitely before dinner."
Hannah smiled. "We'll be fine."
Just then the kids came down the stairs and enthusiastically greeted Hannah. She had hit the goldmine when she'd found Hannah. Now that the kids were getting older, she didn't need a nanny quite as often, but she appreciated Hannah's willingness to step in whenever needed. "So, Maddie, Levi, Hannah's going to take y'all to school and she'll pick you up. I've got something I've got to do today, so she's filling in."
"When will you be home, Mom?" Maddie looked a little concerned.
"Probably not long after you get home from school. But I don't know if I'll be back in time to pick y'all up."
Hannah looked at both Levi and Maddie. "Y'all ready?" she asked.
"Yes!" Levi cried. Maddie rolled her eyes. She smiled. Her daughter was at that age when everything her little brother did annoyed her.
"Alright then, let's go." Hannah headed for the back door. "Have a good day, Rayna. We'll see you later."
She hugged Maddie and Levi and then watched them leave with Hannah. She went to the back door and saw the kids climb into Hannah's car and then head down the driveway. Then she went to get her jacket, pulling it on as she walked back to the kitchen. She put her phone in her purse and picked up her keys. She stood at the island for a moment, breathing in slowly. Then she walked to the back door and let herself out.
Deacon
He drove straight from Rayna's house to the cabin, after dropping off the kids. While he loved Nashville, particularly the eclectic, creative area where he lived, the cabin was where he felt the most comfortable. He had bought the house on the lake 17 years earlier as a gift for Rayna. He was fresh off his first rehab and felt both grateful to her for her support and ready to start a new chapter in his life. Rayna had described her dream house once when they were just getting started in their careers. What she'd dreamed of had surprised him, considering she had grown up in the wealthy enclave of Belle Meade, and had only known the privileged lifestyle of the wealthy.
When her father had kicked her out of the house at 16, she had moved into his shabby studio apartment in a sketchy area of East Nashville. Actually, that wasn't exactly true. She had first taken refuge with Tandy at her off campus apartment near Vanderbilt University. That hadn't lasted long because Lamar was paying for that off campus apartment. Once he knew Rayna was living there, he had pressured Tandy to send her on her way. Tandy had resisted until Lamar threatened to stop paying for the apartment. Reluctantly Rayna had decided it was better to just leave. It was only a 1 bedroom apartment, so not a lot bigger than his studio, but she had really loved living with her sister. When she had told him she needed to move, he'd offered to let her stay with him.
She had resisted at first, citing the fact that he and Vince were sharing the place, but Vince was happy to leave, saying the place was too small and intimating that his roommate was a slob besides. Actually Vince was the slob. After Vince moved out, Rayna moved in and turned a sad little studio apartment into a home, just by virtue of her living there. But she spruced it up and made it the best it could be for the years they lived there. He'd put her through hell, though, with his drinking and she finally had tearfully sent him off to rehab. When he came home he wanted to repay her and had been lucky to find the lake house that looked a lot like the dream house she'd described.
He surprised her with it the day she before the CMAs, when she'd been nominated for her first award. Even though she'd gently chastised him for doing it right out of rehab, she had fallen in love with it the minute she walked in the door. The house was in rough shape but over time they had cleaned it up and done basic things like update the kitchen, redo the flooring, fix the bathrooms, and buy furniture, generally through thrift shops and yard sales. And then they had added a small sign above the sliding doors that were hard to open, which they also eventually replaced, that said 'Eternity'. They'd found it during one of their tour stops somewhere and had displayed it at the cabin as a description of their love. Over the years, the furniture improved and he'd added the dock and a shed. But everything at the cabin was just the way it was the last time she was there, down to that sign above the sliding doors.
Before he knew it, he was at the highway exit to get to the cabin. These days the area around it was a little more developed. There was a combination gas station/convenience store on one side of the exit, along with a couple of mom and pop diner kinds of places. But for the most part it was still pretty rural, which had always been the appeal. The nearest grocery store was 10 miles away. There was still a sizeable Amish presence in the area, which had meant that it would probably remain mostly untouched. When he finally got to the turn off, the sun was starting to lower in the sky. It would be almost dark in a couple of hours and because the area wasn't well lit, he was glad to beat it. Most of the houses around the lake were little more than fishing cabins, which was why they'd always referred to the house as the cabin, even though it was certainly nicer than a fishing cabin.
When he parked his truck outside the cabin, he got out and got his gear from the back. Then he hustled up the steps and down the porch, letting himself in. He put his gear in the bedroom, then went back out to the great room, getting coffee started in the kitchen. He went outside and got wood, bringing it in and stacking it next to the fireplace. Then he loaded in some wood and started a fire. By then the coffee was ready and he poured himself a mug. One of the first things he would need to do was split more wood. He'd noticed when he'd brought wood inside that he didn't have much left. He always liked to get as much chopped as he could this time of year so he could be ahead of the cold and possibly snowy weather in the winter.
He stood in front of the fire, feeling the warmth start to fill the often drafty house. He was planning to spend the week winterizing and doing other maintenance work. The house was probably 50 years old when he'd bought it and while it was well made for the time, it was old and not lived in all the time, so there was usually something that needed done. He'd be bringing the kids up for Thanksgiving, so he'd also take care of getting things ready for them.
He couldn't help but wonder if Rayna might decide it was a good time to talk.
It had been a busy week and the time had gone by quickly. The good news was that during the day his mind stayed focused on the tasks at hand and he didn't have time to think about other things. The bad news was that after he'd had some dinner and sat down by the fireplace, his thoughts all went to Rayna. He hadn't heard anything from her and had decided she was probably going to wait to talk until he got back to Nashville. It was midweek and he was tuning some of his guitars, taking the opportunity to try out some new melodies. Melodies with no words yet. It didn't often happen that way but sometimes it did. He recorded them all and found that many times he'd go back to one and attach it to some lyrics that it turned out to be perfect for.
He'd written some in the evenings. He still didn't know what his potential touring plans might be for the next year. Rayna hadn't said anything and he had chosen not to ask. He got up to put the guitar he'd been working on back in its stand. It was right by the sliders and he stood looking out into the dark. The moon that night was full and the moonlight shone across the black water. The sky was clear and he knew that if he walked outside he'd see stars twinkling all over the black velvet backdrop. It was one of the many things he loved about this place. Everything was clearer, it was all simpler here.
He took a deep breath and let it out. He thought back to another conversation he'd had with Dr. Jensen early on when they had some one on one time. He had shared some of the guilt he carried over the things he'd done while he was with Rayna, as well as the things that had happened in the past 5 years.
"I spent most of my life being ashamed of the things I done – to myself, to other people, but mostly to Rayna. I thought I'd finally sort of figured it out, you know, when I finally got being sober right." He tried to smile. "I wanted to be able to be a father for my daughter." He paused. "And a husband. And I was doing okay at it. Wasn't easy though. I put a lot aside so I could do all that. 'Cause I didn't just wanna be the guy who disappointed her."
"That's a tough way to live. Do you think that was how she saw you?"
He shrugged. "How could she not?" He barked out a laugh. "I thought I'd kinda figured things out and then I just went and did it again."
"Why was that? I know you've said you wanted to pursue the solo career you'd never gotten to pursue. But somehow that didn't play out the way you thought."
He shook his head. "It didn't."
"And what about Rayna in all this? Where did she fit in?"
"See, that's the part I'm struggling with. I wanted her to give me the same thing I gave her when she was starting out. Support and encouragement." He looked down. "And to stand back while I tried."
"That's what you did for her?"
He looked up and nodded. "I probably would've flamed out a long time ago if I'd tried to go it on my own back then. Because of the drinking. But this time I didn't have that holding me back."
"Did you think she was holding you back?"
He thought about that for several minutes. Then he sighed. "It felt a little bit like that. I know I was in her band but I thought she'd let me do this. Give me this chance. And when she didn't, well, it felt like she didn't trust me, like she still was worried I'd mess it up. I had to try though. No matter what it meant."
"Even losing your wife and not being present?"
He rubbed his face, feeling his emotions starting to take over. "I didn't really want that, but I didn't know what else to do. Which was the wrong thing, of course. And she would tell you that was part of how I disappointed her before. I would go do things without telling her or I'd leave without her knowing where I'd gone. That was 'cause I was a drunk. But even not being a drunk, clearly I'm still doing those same things. And disappointing her." He sat back. "And now all I wanna do is make it up to her, try to show her I don't want to do those things anymore. I've tried to talk to her, tell her how I feel, but" – he shrugged – "all I can do is wait."
"Wait for what?"
"Wait to see if she'll forgive me."
"And what if that doesn't happen?"
"I'll just have to live with it."
Dr. Jensen looked at him thoughtfully. "Deacon, you need to be really honest about what you've done and then you need to figure out how to relieve yourself of the burden of all the guilt you carry with you. It's time for you to lift yourself up and walk out on your own, do it for yourself, so that you can move forward. Your past doesn't doom you to making the same mistakes over and over." He sat back. "It's not unlike what you go through with rehab. You have to do the work for yourself before you can focus on anyone else. Do it for you, because you know that doing it will help you better face whatever you have to deal with going forward."
Picking out another guitar, he walked back over to the couch and sat down, reaching for his notebook and a pencil. He started to write down random thoughts. Who am I without my mask? Trading these burdens for lessons I've learned. Am I born to win or born to lose? Turn and face the sun. The world keeps turning. He kept writing, eventually starting to reorganize his thoughts into lines, verses, a chorus. He picked up the guitar and started putting music to the words, which caused more change. A word here, a word there. Move this line up or down. Change the wording of this or that. Modifying the melody.
He lost track of time as he worked. Sometimes it happened that way, where a song just flowed and it came almost too quickly to get it all down. Most times it didn't, but this was one of those times. He added a musical bridge, then ran through it one more time. He sat with it for a moment, then slowly got up and went to put the guitar away. When he turned back, he saw that the fire was little more than embers. He could hear the sound of the wind outside, not blowing hard but audible just the same. He felt a little stiff from sitting and his finger pads burned just a little from the strings of his guitar. He felt depleted, the way he felt whenever he'd written something that emptied out the emotional stores he kept inside. He rubbed his face and breathed in deeply, then stretched and headed for bed, the song echoing in his head.
Wake up the mornin' and fight off the shadows that followed me here until now. The night is done, my time has come, to turn and face the sun.
He woke up the next morning feeling refreshed. He'd eaten breakfast, then spent time getting the kids' rooms ready for the next week. He put away tools and other equipment he'd used over the time he'd been there. He thought maybe he'd head back to Nashville the next morning, so he started some repacking. He was putting coffee in the coffee maker when he heard the sliders behind him open. He flipped the switch, then turned to see Rayna walk in, closing the doors behind her. He had held his breath, wondering whether or not she'd actually come, and there she was. He guessed she had driven up to the cabin after dropping Maddie and Levi at school. It was a cool November day by the lake and she had dressed accordingly. He leaned against the island. She took off her jacket and hung it over the back of one of the stools, then stood across from him.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey," he replied. "Wasn't sure you'd really come."
She raised her eyebrows. "Really?" The hint of a smile crossed her lips. "To be honest, there was a moment when I wondered if I should."
"But you did."
She nodded. "I did." She slowly walked around until she was facing him. "I think there's still stuff we need to resolve."
He nodded. "Yeah, there probably is.