Authors Note: Content warning for sexual threat.
A week later, Aziraphale was sat at the desk in his bookshop sorting through the paperwork from his latest book delivery.
Crowley had gone back to his flat that morning to work on a report for Hell - although Aziraphale suspected it was really because Crowley wanted to catch up on a new 'Net Flicks' show he was obsessed with. Either way, Crowley was going to pick him up for dinner later. The day had been dragging without him.
The bell above the door jingled, and Aziraphale looked up, a smile on his face. The bookshop was currently closed, so the only person it could be was Crowley. He must have finished up early.
Aziraphale's stomach dropped when he saw Gabriel and Sandalphon striding towards him. He put on the biggest smile he could muster and got to his feet as they approached the desk.
It was a surprise to have angels visiting him here on Earth. Usually they preferred to have him come to them. Oh. Right. He couldn't go to Heaven, not until he'd broken the curse.
"Hello!" Aziraphale said with forced jolliness. "How lovely to see you both."
Gabriel ignored his greeting and glanced around the room. "Are there any humans here?"
Aziraphale shook his head. "No. We're alone."
"Good." Gabriel nodded at Sandalphon who then locked the door. "Don't want to be interrupted."
Aziraphale's chest tightened. It was a relief that the shop wouldn't smell demonic - he and Crowley had been spending most of their time in the bedroom. Thank goodness Crowley wasn't here and shouldn't return for several hours. Aziraphale hoped his aftershave would hide any lingering scent of his beloved on his skin.
Gabriel led them into the backroom and then turned on him with an annoyed frown. "Why haven't you broken the curse yet?"
Aziraphale opened and closed his mouth a few times, shocked into silence. "Er. I'm working on it," he said, his face burning.
"It's been months. This should be your top priority."
Aziraphale hadn't thought Gabriel would care how long it took him to break the curse, so long as he did it in time to attend the next big meeting. "I... Yes. I thought I still had several months left? I'm eager to return to Heaven as soon as possible, of course. It's just... It's all quite a lot to get my head around, as I'm sure you can imagine, and I thought-"
Gabriel made an irritated noise. "But you've been having lots of sex! Why haven't you done what's necessary to break the curse? Are you..." He pulled a face. "Are you enjoying it?"
"Good gracious, no! Of course not," Aziraphale spluttered, his head spinning. How did Gabriel know he'd been having lots of sex? He didn't dare ask. He felt sick. How much did they know? Did they know about Crowley? No, surely not. They'd have mentioned that already if they did. "I don't enjoy it at all. That's why I'm having difficulty, er, finishing."
Gabriel looked confused.
Aziraphale felt humiliated, hyper aware of Sandalphon's presence. Why was he even here? Couldn't Gabriel have been more discreet? Didn't he owe him that much, at least? This entire situation was his fault!
Sandalphon noticed Gabriel's confusion. "He can't orgasm," he explained, and then he looked at Aziraphale. "That's the problem, right?"
Aziraphale looked at his shoes, face burning. "Yes."
Gabriel sighed. "Well, I suppose that explains it. Because you really have been having a lot of sex."
There was a crinkle of paper and Aziraphale looked up just as Gabriel thrust a set of neatly stapled A4s in his direction. He took them hesitantly.
Aziraphale looked down at the first page and then he flicked through them. It was a list of dates with the words 'Miracle use' written here and there in a bold black font. The words 'Sexual Activity!' were dotted among them in an urgent red font. At least it didn't detail the sex acts or say who they were with.
"I thought you said you'd put a stop to my alerts." Aziraphale said faintly.
"Don't be foolish. That would be irresponsible," Gabriel said. "We were simply turning a blind eye. Normally we'd take disciplinary action for this."
Aziraphale nodded, feeling numb.
"I'm hosting a meeting on Sunday. Everyone has to be there, yourself included, so make sure you've broken the curse before then."
Aziraphale looked up at him, shocked, his mouth suddenly dry. It was Monday today, meaning he had just under a week left. He didn't want to stop, and he didn't want to go to a stupid meeting. He considered arguing – it was Gabriel's fault he was in this position. Gabriel really should be more sympathetic, or at least feel some level of guilt for his part in all of this.
Aziraphale deflated, the fight leaving him. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't argue with his superior.
Gabriel turned to face Sandalphon. "You have one of those sex drive things, right?"
Sandalphon froze like a rabbit caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He nodded warily. "To better understand and guide the humans in the fight against-"
"Yes, yes, yes." Gabriel waved a hand dismissively. "You should help Aziraphale out. Break the curse for him."
Aziraphale's eyes widened in mute horror as he looked at Sandalphon, silently praying for him to refuse. Instead, Sandalphon looked him up and down and then smiled in a way that made Aziraphale's skin crawl. Aziraphale opened his mouth but no sound came out.
Gabriel smiled at Aziraphale. "That's what you need. An angel. One of your own. Not some silly human. I'm sure Sandalphon can give you one of those orgasm things."
"Aziraphale isn't really my type," Sandalphon said to Gabriel. "But if it's for the greater good."
"Oh yes, he has rather let himself go, hasn't he," Gabriel said, glancing at Aziraphale. He smiled at Sandalphon. "You could keep your eyes closed."
"How romantic," Aziraphale said furiously, his hands balling into fists. "But Sandalphon isn't my type either, so he definitely won't be able to make me, er, finish! I'm going to have to decline. I've got a human who can help me, and I'm sure-"
"Well, clearly your human isn't good enough since you're having this much difficulty breaking the curse. Let Sandalphon have a go." Gabriel immediately turned to Sandalphon. "We'll ignore your alerts too so don't worry about that. Just do your best."
Sandalphon nodded, and then Gabriel walked away towards the front door.
Wait!" Aziraphale shouted after him. "I just told you I don't want to! Come back! Gabriel!"
But Gabriel had already gone, the bell above the door ringing ominously behind him.
The hairs stood up on the back of Aziraphale's neck, and he took a step back. "Now, I appreciate that you want to help but I'm going to have to insist that you leave."
Frantically, Aziraphale glanced around the room. His eyes fell on an Edwardian candlestick holder, and he edged towards it, fully prepared to bash Sandalphon repeatedly over the head with it if he refused to take no for an answer.
He couldn't believe he was seriously considering discorporating Sandalphon in the backroom with a candlestick like they were in a sick game of Cluedo, but he didn't feel he had a choice. In that moment, he didn't care how much trouble he'd get into for discorporating a fellow angel – he refused to have sex with Sandalphon.
"Of course I'm not going to have sex with you," Sandalphon laughed. "You're the last person I'd want to have sex with. I'm gonna head to this strip club I know. I've always wanted to shag my way through the girls there. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to be able to look but not touch? Hah! Of course you do. You can come with me if you like? I bet they can make you orgasm."
"Oh, good Heavens," Aziraphale said, repulsed but also relieved that he didn't have to fight Sandalphon to the death. "No, thank you."
"They have men too if that's more your thing?"
"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather not."
"Are you actually having difficulty cumming, or were you just saying that? It's okay, I wouldn't blame you for trying to fuck your way through as many people as possible before you break the curse. I won't tell anyone, I swear."
"I wasn't lying!"
Sandalphon shrugged. "If you say so. Well, do you wanna come with me to this strip club or not?"
"No. Thank you."
"So you really have a human, like you said?"
"I do, yes."
"Right. Well. You go and give them a good seeing to, and I'll go smash some strippers. Heaven will assume we're doing each other if they look in our files. If you break the curse let me know because I'll have to stop. I'd appreciate it if you give me a few days though." Sandalphon winked at him.
Aziraphale flinched.
A piece of paper miraculously appeared in Sandalphon's hand, and he held it out to Aziraphale. "Here's my number. Text me an emoji of an aubergine with water droplets or something if you break the curse."
Aziraphale had no idea what Sandalphon was talking about or even how to text someone, but he'd worry about that later. Crowley would know. Aziraphale nodded and took the piece of paper.
"Okay." Sandalphon started towards the door, but then he paused. "Are you sure you're not coming with me? There's this one girl, and oh, the way her nipple tassels spin around and around..."
"No, thank you. Have fun."
Sandalphon gave him the sleaziest grin. "Oh, I will." And then he was gone.
Aziraphale sat down shakily, still on edge, adrenaline still pumping, waiting for that feeling of being in danger to pass. Of course Sandalphon hadn't wanted to have sex with him, of course he was going to take advantage of this terrible situation by having his way with some poor dancing girls. He probably didn't even care if Aziraphale broke the curse or not – he could just tell Gabriel he tried his best. Everything was always Aziraphale's fault.
Aziraphale got to his feet. He needed to get out of here. He needed to see Crowley and tell him what had happened. Most of all, he needed a hug.
Crowley jumped when he heard Aziraphale's distinctive knock at the door. He looked at his watch, scared that he was running late but it was only 3pm. He glanced down at the paperwork on the coffee table which was nowhere near finished, and then waved a hand guiltily at the TV. The Netflix show he'd been watching vanished.
He turned towards the door, clicked his fingers, and the door opened to reveal a miserable, exhausted looking Aziraphale who looked seconds away from bursting into tears.
Crowley leapt to his feet. "What's wrong?"
"Gabriel came to the bookshop. He wants me to attend a meeting in Heaven on Sunday. I'm so sorry. We're going to have to break the curse earlier than I thought."
Crowley's stomach dropped. "It's okay," he said soothingly, pulling Aziraphale into a hug. "It's okay."
"It was awful," Aziraphale said as Crowley steered him towards the sofa. "He knew I'd been having sex. He had a blasted printout of all the alerts! No details! It just said 'Sex Acts' over and over again. So humiliating. And then I had to explain. I told them I was having difficulty finishing, for goodness sake. I didn't know how else to explain it!"
Crowley took a moment to process all of this, his hatred for Gabriel stronger than ever before. "Wait. Them?"
"He brought Sandalphon with him."
"Why the fuck did he bring Sandalphon? What an arsehole." He could imagine Gabriel wanting to tell Aziraphale off in front of someone else, the bastard, just to make it more humiliating.
Aziraphale sat forward in his seat, staring at his folded hands. "I need to tell you something and I need you to not overreact."
Crowley's stomach flipped. "What?"
"Gabriel thought it might help if I did it with an angel. With Sandalphon. I said no of course but Gabriel was very insistent. But it's okay, I managed to get out of it," Aziraphale added quickly.
"What?! He did what?!" Blind rage tore through Crowley.
"Sandalphon was only pretending to want to. The moment Gabriel left, Sandalphon went off to a strip club, and he intends to stay there. He wants me to let him know when I've broken the curse so he knows when to stop."
"I'll kill the pair of them! Rip their throats out! Throw them into a pit of Hellfire!"
"Oh, that's horrible, Crowley. Don't say such awful things. I told you not to overreact."
"He tried to force you! And Sandalphon was perfectly happy to play along even though he knew you didn't want to! Absolute bastards, the pair of them! When I get hold of them-"
"Crowley. Please!"
Crowley deflated. "I should've been there. I should've saved you."
"No. If you'd have been there, everything would have been a thousand times worse."
Crowley let out a miserable sigh. Aziraphale was right.
"Besides," Aziraphale went on. "I can look after myself. I'm not as delicate as I look. If Sandalphon had refused to take no for an answer I fully intended to discorporate him by beating him to death with my Edwardian candlestick holder. I'm glad it didn't come to that. I'd hate to damage it. It's worth rather a lot of money."
Crowley laughed despite himself.
"So you see, everything worked out in the end. I'm just a bit shaken. Do you mind if we take a rain check on going out for dinner? I'd much rather stay in."
"Delivery?" Crowley suggested and was relieved when Aziraphale agreed enthusiastically. At least he hadn't been put off his food.
They had pizza delivered and ate it side by side on the sofa, watching a nature documentary on Netflix which Crowley had been saving for them to watch together.
Aziraphale was tense to start off with – understandable after the horrible experience he'd just had – but he soon settled down and became his old self again. Soon they were kissing on the sofa, and Aziraphale's hands started to wander.
"Bedroom?" Aziraphale whispered.
"Yeah," Crowley said with a grin. "But give me a head start. I've got an idea." He leapt up. "I'll call you in when I'm ready."
Aziraphale quirked an eyebrow. "How mysterious."
Crowley dashed into the bedroom, slammed the door and then got to work. While watching the documentary his mind had wandered to Aziraphale's list of sexy things he wanted to try. From what he could remember, there were only two things they hadn't done yet. Sex with Crowley in serpent form and food play. The serpent sex seemed a bit much to spring on him all at once, especially after he'd had such a trying day, and Crowley still wasn't entirely convinced Aziraphale would be into it in real life anyway. But the food play? That could be fun. It would be a laugh at the very least. Not to mention, he really enjoyed watching Aziraphale eat.
Crowley used his powers to wish the things he needed from the well-stocked kitchen into the bedroom, and then he stripped off and got to work. He decorated himself as artfully and sexily as he could, though he suspected he looked ridiculous. For a long time, the only sound in the room was that of the squirty whipped cream.
"I'm ready! Come in!" Crowley shouted.
The door opened and Aziraphale burst in. He stopped at the foot of the bed and stared at Crowley where he lay on the dark sheets. Aziraphale's eyes trailed from the whipped cream that covered his nipples - a cherry placed on the top of each – down to the whipped cream that generously covered his groin and the jut of his hard cock. Chocolate sauce had been zigzagged artfully over the lot.
Aziraphale's face lit up.
"Desserts on me! Help yourself!" Crowley exclaimed, gesturing to his body.
"Oh, I'm going to devour you, my darling."
Aziraphale was on the bed and leaning over him in a heartbeat. He pressed his tongue to the line of chocolate sauce streaked across his ribs, and then he was lapping at one of the whipped cream mounds on his chest.
Crowley bit his lower lip, his skin tingling as Aziraphale licked at him, and then Aziraphale was nudging aside the cherry and sucking on a nipple, making it peak. Crowley gasped, writhing under the attention.
"Keep still or everything will slide off," Aziraphale said, a hand pressed to his shoulder.
"M' trying!"
Aziraphale took the cherry between his teeth and then sat up. He sucked the cherry into his mouth and let out a blissful sigh as he ate it, eyes briefly fluttering closed. Crowley stared at him, mesmerised. Aziraphale picked up the other cherry from where it was sliding away in the cream and then lifted it to Crowley's lips.
"Open wide. I think you deserve to have something in your mouth too."
Crowley obediently opened his mouth, his tongue darting out to pull the cherry inside, and he made sure to lick Aziraphale's fingers clean in the process. He could taste the chocolate and the cream along with the tang of cherry, and once he's swallowed it all, Aziraphale kissed him deeply, his tongue pressing into his mouth.
Aziraphale shuffled down Crowley's body to lick away the cream from his other nipple, and then he moved onto the trail of chocolate weaving it's way over Crowley's stomach. Crowley was starting to regret using so much of the chocolate sauce and creating such a long and torturous path to where he really wanted Aziraphale's mouth. But the moment those lips found his cock Crowley let out a whine, shuddering as Aziraphale took him into his mouth and sucked on him like a popsicle.
Aziraphale moaned as he sucked and slurped, his eyes half-closed. "You taste delicious."
"Ngk."
"But then again, you always do. I love the taste of you."
Crowley made various unintelligible noises, hands fisting in the sheets.
"And I adore the sounds you make."
Crowley huffed, his face feeling hot, but then he dissolved into gasps again as Aziraphale started to suck his cock in earnest. Crowley's breath hitched when a finger slid down between his arse cheeks.
"You've managed to get whipped cream down here too. What a mess you've made of yourself."
"Perhaps you should give everything a thorough lick."
"Oh, I plan to."
Crowley drew up his legs, his toes curling as his arse cheeks were spread open and then he felt Aziraphale's tongue lap at his arsehole in wet slides.
"Please, Aziraphale," Crowley whimpered, not sure what he was asking for. A finger, a cock, anything.
He felt a pressure against his hole, circling and teasing, and then a slicked finger pushed inside. Crowley gasped as he was stretched open, as that finger stroked and rubbed, finding that one delicious spot which always made Crowley tremble.
Aziraphale smiled, his finger still moving, and then he dipped his head and swallowed him down to the hilt.
Crowley cried out, fingers digging into the sheets. When Aziraphale lifted his head, Crowley couldn't help the frustrated and needy whine that escaped him.
"I'm so hungry," Aziraphale drawled. "I want your delicious cream."
For a ridiculous moment Crowley found himself looking around for the whipped cream canister, but then he realised what Aziraphale had obviously meant.
There was a glint in Aziraphale's eye as he took him back into his mouth, his head immediately bobbing as his finger continued to work him, and then Crowley was crying out Aziraphale's name and cumming down his throat.
Aziraphale swallowed eagerly, and then he licked away the last drop before sitting up.
"Delicious," Aziraphale said.
Crowley made a weak sound, still panting hard.
Aziraphale touched Crowley's thighs. "Can I?"
"Yeah, of course," said Crowley breathlessly. He lifted his legs into the air and crossed his ankles.
Aziraphale pressed his cock between Crowley's thighs and let out a long and blissful sigh. He held Crowley's legs in a tight grip, holding him in place as he fucked into the soft tightness. Crowley watched with half-lidded eyes as Aziraphale moved. Aziraphale's mouth was open, wanton noises escaping him as he used Crowley's body for his own pleasure. Crowley wanted to remember every moment.
Aziraphale's eyes drifted closed, eyelashes fluttering, and Crowley wondered if he was pretending he was inside of him, if he was still pretending when he came with a gasp, making a wonderfully sticky mess of Crowley's inner thighs.
Crowley wanted to feel him cum inside of his arse, wondered if that was how Aziraphale would choose to break the curse or if he'd rather cum while Crowley fucked his arse or his cunt. Whatever he chose would be perfect, even if he chose to cum down his throat. Crowley wanted to feel all of it, and it pained him to know that they could only experience one of those things.
Rather than using a miracle to clean themselves up like they usually did, they instead hopped into the shower together, and afterwards they cuddled together in bed.