Fixing a Pipe Has Led me to Discover That I am the Most Powerful Being in the Universe, After Being Transported to a Kingdom Where All Royalty is Scantly-Clad, Mamma Mia That's a Lot of Nudity
Chapter 3: A Ninja and a... Slamming Guy
Yeah. Freezing cold ice. Luigi was right about that.
And it was absolutely NOT a pleasant experience for him to be dropped off there in the buff, no no no no no no no!
Ah, right, the island in question. It was a snowy plain with ice blocks sticking up everywhere. Of course, a blue castle was visible in the far distance, once again near the shore on the opposite side.
"Haha, woah, what are you three idiots doing on this island NAKED?"
Before Luigi could even see who said that, he replied, "I-I-I-I-I'm t-t-t-trying to f-f-figure th-that ouuuuutt!" As he shivered.
Right, the speaker. It was some guy, another Koopa, with weird blue hair that stuck up and out to his sides. He was also dressed in a more militant uniform-looking outfit than the clothes of the previous two.
"This is Ludwig." Luigi explained. "I... didn't expect to see him so soon."
"I was the only one bold enough to take on the cold, that's why!"
"But didn't I first meet Lemmy in the ice? Why isn't he here?"
"...What? He got tired of the ice. Couldn't handle it. I guess you could say he... cracked?"
The trio heard a sigh.
"What a terrible pun! I oughta kick your ass for saying that. After I'm done kicking Luigi's ass for taking too long to save me, of course. And Luigi has to be first, by the way."
It was the third Sprixie Princess. Blue was her scheme, her hair... had these round shapes, almost like giant bubbles were in it. She looked identical to Esmeralda and Aurea otherwise. Well, that, and her 'outfit' appeared to only consist of some tiny ice crystals. Two slightly (slightly) larger ones for covering her nipples, and one for her crotch. She was fuming at everything going on. Oh, and of course she was in a bottle held by Ludwig.
"You must be... uh..." Luigi said.
"Azure!" She said. "And I can't believe you saved Aurea and Esmeralda before me!"
"...The third-"
"Get me out of this damn bottle already!"
"I'll try! Let me j-j-j-j-just activate this... P-P-Power of Nothing?"
"But you can't activate it while you're shivering!" Esmeralda helpfully explained. "Shivering is doing something!"
"So get somewhere warmer then!" Luigi said. "I ag-ag-ag-agree!"
"NOT SO FAST!" Shouted Ludwig. "I... I... I have..."
He looked around to see if there was anything he could use.
Train tracks. Cool. Or rather... warm? He'd stop shivering!
Ludwig ran over in the direction of the distant tracks. He also fired five blue fireballs over to Luigi, as part of his little getaway thing.
"GET HIM!" Shouted Esmeralda, who- yeah she took her gun back out, making Luigi flinch.
Oh look. Aurea had a gun too. Made Luigi wonder. Why didn't they- nevermind, he shouldn't ask questions. Maybe not until the whole thing is over, anyway. Just put up with the general insanity for the time being.
Both of them shot at Ludwig as he basically danced his way around the bullets, acting like he was just hopping along a hot surface. And the two freed Sprixies looked like they were shooting... at his feet specifically?
"YOU'RE NOT GETTING ME THAT EASILY! HEH HEH HEH!"
Luigi charged at him. Hey, he had powers on his own even without the 'stand still' thing, how bad could-
He had to dodge out of the way of a shuriken that flew by.
"What?"
And then a red blur crashed next to him.
"Oh. These guys..."
Yeah. He knew them.
First was a rather bulky man. Dressed in red gi pants and no shirt, he had muscular arms and skinnier legs. He also had bright, messy orange hair. Joining him was a woman in a skintight pinkish-red body suit and long, tied up blonde hair with a deep red-pink highlight at the end. She carried a giant shuriken with a bow on it.
"Boom Boom, Pom Pom. Hello."
"You know these two too?" Esmeralda asked him.
"Yeah. They're more of Bowser's minions. I fought Boom Boom a new times. Pom Pom... just once."
"HUY-YA!" Cried Boom Boom. The man of the two, by the way. "Luigi? What are you doing here? We went here to get away from you!"
"...I have no idea!"
Esmeralda 'answered for him.' So to speak. "It's a long story."
Luigi just nodded. "Y-y-y-yeah. It is-"
Anyway, it was obvious that the pair was not just going to let Luigi waltz up and beat up Ludwig. It looked like he needed to go to the castle. Again. In the nude. Again.
Or, no. The tracks outside the castle. And where it looked slightly warmer.
"Do any of you know what's in the castle?" Luigi asked.
"WE are, chump!" Replied Boom Boom.
"But... you're out here. Who's guarding Azure?"
Both Boom Boom and Pom Pom looked at each other.
And then they ran back to the castle, hopping onboard a train that went zooming by on the tracks.
"I know a shortcut pipe that leads there!" Said Aurea. "To where the end of the tracks are!"
"Oh! G-g-g-good!" Luigi said between shivers.
"It's also pretty warm too!"
And yeah. It was right behind a pile of snow.
So the three of them just went in and... ended up right by a cliff overlooking a cannon.
"Oh, good, a cannon." Luigi said. "I've used these before. They were scary when I first shot myself out of one, but now... it's almost like I'm used to them?"
"Wait, you're not thinking of us firing ourselves out of that thing... are you...?" Aurea asked, almost choking up.
"Oh, you don't have to! I'm the one who... might. If I still can't get my powers to work."
"They will work better outside of the cold, yeah." Said Esmeralda.
"And it's warmer over there than in most of the island..." Aurea remarked.
Luigi went in the cannon first. As he was familiar with, he was able to aim it from the inside. Okay... right on the train... right... THERE!
He fired.
As he was being launched out, he realized that he had no idea if Esmeralda or Aurea knew how to use the thing.
...
Well, they won't be following him if they couldn't then?
Boom Boom, Pom Pom, and Ludwig all greeted Luigi at the front of their train ride.
"Heyo. Sup!" Ludwig said.
Luigi just stared at them. Stone-faced, silent.
Anyway, Ludwig started waving his blue wand around and threw out a trio of navy-colored fireballs in Luigi's location-
"HEY!" Azure cried. "Don't mess this up okay?!"
Luigi shrugged. "I'm not really sure if I can? If I just wait long enough..."
He did. Or, tried. Close his eyes, and focus. Or... not focus? Not do anything?
Okay, it was starting to activate again.
Well, he was already naked, so that was out of the question. Dice in his hair, wrapped up like a present.
Yep. Luigi was in Party Mode again.
He could win by doing absolutely nothing.
Time to strike.
"YEAH!" Cheered Azure. "Okay, NOW Luigi's being cool! Pun because I live in a cold place unintended! Go get 'em!"
He was in his Nothing Mode thing again. Primmed, ready to go, naked- well he was naked the entire time, but whatever.
"WAIT!" Said Pom Pom. "I can sense it... powerful energies coming from him!"
"What is it now, Sis?" Boom Boom asked. "Just because you were right about the last twenty guys you said that about someone, doesn't mean you'll be right about this guy."
Pom Pom shrugged and smiled, showing one fang. "Yeah you make sense."
And so the two rushed over to attack Luigi-
It suddenly felt like they were punched in the gut. They both had to back off.
"Aw, what?" Ludwig asked. "Come on!"
"Argh, try hitting him yourself if it's that easy!" Boom Boom said to him.
"Gladly. Watch and learn the master at his craft!"
Ludwig waved his wand around-
Luigi also got to confirm that, yes, being in his ultimate powered up mode did in fact get rid of the cold around him, as it did fight against the discomfort of the desert warmth.
-Anyway, with a poof, Ludwig's wand turned in to a miniature airship of sorts. Large enough for him to leap inside of and fly around in, but barely. It was basically a glorified blue bucket with a cannon on it, and some wings that made it float up, with some struggle.
Luigi already knew just to not do anything. Same formula.
So when Ludwig shot a cannonball at him, it was of no surprise at all that it didn't hit him.
What was a surprise was the exact thing that did happen. Apparently whatever weird god-like force was inside him just got bored with the formula and developed a weird sense of humor, because that ball morphed. It grew a weird-looking face with big white eyes and some kind of odd grin showing off a pink tongue. It looked... kind of like some bootleg bullet monster or something like that.
So, that thing flew to Ludwig and really started chewing at his ear. Like, really nibbling at him. Ludwig screamed, flying around in his tub-thing, and eventually lept out and ran away.
That weird-looking ball fell to the ground and exploded.
The bottle holding Azure shattered, and she marched up to Luigi, fists balled up.
"How DARE you take so long to save me!" She shouted. "Do you have any idea how horrible being in that bottle was! I... I... I aughta-"
She tried to punch Luigi. Emphasis on tried. He was still that weird motionless Mario Party statue. She just hurt her own hand like crazy after that.
"Ow! Well... fine! Fine!"
"So, on to the next island?" Luigi asked. He and his brother were really good at figuring out patterns at that point. From adventures unrelated to that especially bizarre one he was trapped in.
"Yes! Yes, of course!" Said Azure.
They took a step to the edge of the island-
"OW MY WRIST!" Azure shouted.
The other three looked at her. Yeah, something happened, she was shaking out her wrist in pain.
"A-Azure?" Asked Aurea.
"It's my working wrist!" Azure yelled. "I'm sorry, I can't build the pipe to the next area! Hang in there, girls!"
"...Can't Esmeralda or Aurea do it instead?" Luigi asked.
"Doing that takes a lot out of us, and we need to recharge that..." said Aurea.
"That specific ability, at that." Esmeralda said. "It takes about a month until we're ready again. We only build long island-spanning clear pipes in an emergency. And just so you know, we had them linking all islands in the past. That Bowser guy destroyed them. He knew that limit we had."
"F-first thing he did..." Aurea said with a sniff. "He was... a real prick."
"How can we heal you?" Luigi asked.
"There's a special Snow Inn around here." Azure said.
"...Snow Inn?"
"You don't know what a Snow Inn is?"
"Well, I've slept in some inns in snowy places. Is it like that?"
"No, no... it's different..." Azure looked like she was in deep thought about something. "Special. It's something that's only in this one place, in this one kingdom. I've wanted to expand the business."
"...It sounds neat. Is it at least warmer than in here?"
Azure half-giggled. "It is!"
Well, it looked like an ordinary inn. A fancy one, though. Towering, brilliant snowy white walls with deep royal blue roofs. It almost looked as fancy as a castle of sorts-
Oh, right, the castles. Apparently those castles Luigi had passed by were their own home royal castles, just taken over by Bowser. He was just at Azure's.
But anyway, it looked a bit like Azure's castle, but smaller, and with 'SNOW INN' in giant letters written on it. In all honesty, Luigi wasn't sure how he missed that on his way over there.
...
Going in, it was what Luigi had expected. Or, would have expected if the journey was at all normal.
"Oh! Princess Azure! Princess Aurea! Princess Esmeralda! And um... wait, OUR SAVIOR, ONE AND ONLY, LUIGI! It's an honor to help you, great hero of the Sprixie Kingdom!" Said the receptionist.
All three of the Sprixies looked at Luigi. Which he...
"Why are all the eyes on me?" He asked.
"Well, you became a celebrity." Said Esmeralda. "I mean, 'The Man From Another Dimension' would have been one already, but you're from another world and you have a skilled power of the God of Absolute Nothing? That's worth talking about."
"He also saved us, good to see you're not grateful for that." Azure said. "And he's the hero who saved three of the seven Princesses."
"Well- I mean..."
So, they went, and... yeah. There was some kind of specialized massage program said to fix any injured wrists.
...One thing lead to another, Azure wasn't the only one involved in it. All four of them were. And before he knew it, Luigi found himself sitting with the other three princesses all in a line on a bed.
He hoped it wasn't a bed bed. But it looked like one. Pillow and everything. That was what they sat on. There were also several buttons on it, at least, but that didn't quench any of Luigi's worries.
"I'm sorry for our other friends in the other islands," said Azure, "but it might take the entire night of this before I'm ready to build the next clear pipe. They'll have to spend another day inside their glass jars..."
"The entire night doing what?" Asked Luigi.
Azure lightly slapped him.
"Getting body massages! What were you thinking we would do together?"
"My mind was blank, I was confused..."
"Oh. Oh... I thought you were thinking about sex. Okay. Sorry for the slap then."
"Oh, it's no problem."
"No, I really am. It's just..."
Azure looked off to the distance and sighed.
"Well, I-"
And then the staff came in. Plenty of just-about-identical women in pink hoods and, in complete contrast to the isekai dimension's royalty, they were wearing full pink dresses. One of them had a pair of sunglasses, but other than that, they looked the same.
"Hello there, madams and sir!" Three said in unison.
"Hey!" Esmeralda said.
"HELLO!" Azure said with more cheer. "I'm glad to be back! The usual for me, please."
She looked at Luigi. "...You're not going to ask something like, 'You're familiar with this place?'"
"I mean, I assumed. It's on your island and you wanted to go here, so..."
"Right. Right..."
The staff began getting to the arms of the four.
"Oh, this is what this is?" Luigi asked.
"Just the first part." Replied Azure. "We'll get to the other stuff later. The good stuff."
Luigi both wanted to know but also didn't want to know what she meant by that. The way she said it sounded shady as all heck.
Sure enough, they started massaging other places, getting them all to lie on their stomachs. The backs of all four of them. Their legs. Then, right to the middle, their butts. Luigi saw the staff first go at the three princesses, then his own masseuse flexed her hands out.
"Wait, are you going to touch my ass?" He said. He usually doesn't use language like that, but for an insane adventure like this, fuck it.
"Yes. Do you have a problem?"
Luigi thought it over. "Nah, go ahead."
Woah they really did.
That was probably the first... no, second, the hot spring was okay... time that Luigi really enjoyed himself there. Especially when Esmeralda broke the silence going on and began striking up a chat between all four of them. It was a casual conversation, nothing big. No huge revalations about the strange world he was in or anything. Just enough to be a nice distraction from the fact that Luigi was far away from home, his original outfit a shredded mess, and that he was apparently some sort of void god or something.
Oh, also, true to the name of 'Ice Inn,' the process involved ice and cold stuff. Like, weird bags chilled with ice used to rub down some spots. A little odd, a bit too cold, but Luigi didn't mind.
When all was said and done, Luigi was chuckling a bit.
"That felt great!"
"See?" Asked Azure. "I told you it'd be fun! I- wait, did I just say 'fun?!' Involving YOU?! Urgh, forget it. I can build the Clear Pipe now. Let's get that done and get out of here."
"But first," asked Luigi, "Can I get a robe or something? I don't want to go out in the freezing cold.
"Sure thing!" The staff said. And they actually gave him a robe! He huddled on to it, nuzzled his face against it-
Aurea and Azure just kind of collapsed on the bed and accidentally took Luigi down with them, both of them pinning him.
"Yeah, you have a point." Esmeralda said to the other two princesses. "I'm exhausted from everything. Well, goodnight, Luigi."
"Wait!" He said. "I- I-"
Esmeralda just fell on top of him and was also out like a light.
"But..."
He tried shaking them. Shoving them a bit, even. But no, they seemed hard asleep, and he didn't want to outright try hurting them to wake them up.
Well, he was feeling sleepy. And, to be honest, being hugged by the three of them felt nice. So he went to sleep himself.
"DUMBASS!" Luigi first heard Azure's voice. "I can't believe what a heavy sleeper you are! Get up!"
Luigi woke up to find himself lying in a bed with melting bits of ice, lots of sand sprinkled around, and grass shavings everywhere. He looked up to see that the three princesses were totally nude - not that it made much of a difference from how they were when 'clothed,' anyway. The sand and melted water were even kind of mixing to make a sort of mud - it looked like someone scooped up something from a jungle and tossed it on a bed. Also, ice was there.
Anyway, standing by the side was Azure with her hands on her hips, casting a mean glare; Esmeralda with a slightly worried expression, and a surprisingly irritated-looking Aurea rubbing her eye and looking like she wanted to kick Azure at any second.
"Hi?" He asked. "Did your... uh, 'clothes' fall off?"
"Of course they did!" Said Azure. "Did you really think some bits of ice wouldn't melt under those sheets! Don't stare!"
"I wasn't staring."
"Oh. My mistake, then."
Azure put her fingers in her mouth and let out a loud whistle. "SERVANTS!" She shouted. "CLOTHES! For me, Aurea, and Esmeralda!"
The door was kicked open by three more of those pink-clad women, each of whom carrying in a sack, one green, one yellow, and one blue. The princesses dove to the sacks of their respective hair color and threw them open. Unsurprisingly, Esmeralda's was full of grass shavings, which she slapped on herself. Aurea's with sand, also somehow stuck to and decorated on to her. And Azure's, ice that somehow didn't just melt or stick together, which she re-decorated herself with.
"This seems a bit excessive." Said Esmeralda.
"Eh, we're royalty. We can do that." Azure replied with a smug smirk. "So why not? It beats carrying around spares everywhere."
And they were at the edge of the island.
"Okay! Time to get my building arm working!" Said Azure.
And, just as with the other two fairy-like women, she did her magic, and there was a pipe. Leading out to another dry area.
"There's our next target!" Said Esmeralda. "Rock Island! Let's go!"
"Wait, can we talk about going so that-" Luigi began.
But it was too late. The three princesses pushed him in as they ran to the clear pipe, also squeezing themselves in with them somehow.
Closing AN:
Okay, another one down! I don't have too much to say about this in of itself. Except that I've been doing a phenominally terrible job at planning this ahead. A lot of the scenes are pretty much first written as "improv" (but then I look them over and edit them so... that means they're not improv?) and such. Like the stuff about the Ice Inn? Totally just added to thicken out the chapter so it wouldn't be super short. This is how things generally go for my "shitposty" stories. (Speaking of which I also don't look over the previous chapters that often, so... there may be a few continuity errors. Like, I think Esmeralda ended the last chapter naked, I wanted to do a quick skim to see how they got re-dressed after the hot spring, but that's it. I'll look over all of the previous chapters a bit later though.)
One thing I do have to say, Azure was basically meant to be the "tsundere" "hits the lead over everything" archetype... I really, really hate that archetype though (even more than a lot of others) so I toned it down a lot. Not sure how much I like the result.
Up next in general, aside from the Weekly Dryad Meme hell I've assigned myself to on Reddit, is probably the next chapter of Living Twice over on Fictionpress. Up next here I'm not so sure.