(Lighthouse in the dark sea)

Warnings/spoilers: Therapy

"Sorry," I said, wiping the tears that were coming down.

Walking through Dr. Rob's door, I had the greatest confidence, but once I had sat down that confidence wavered. And when he had asked a total of one question and then my eyes turned into floodgates.

"How are you doing?" That had been the question. Such a simple one, but the answer wasn't. I was a mess.

I knew that I was going to end up crying sometime during our session, but I didn't think it would be this early on.

Dr. Rob was quiet for a moment, allowing me to get through my emotions.

I apologized again once I settled.

"You slipped back," he said, his eyes bore on me.

I stared back, feeling like he could see right into my pain. Dr. Rob had always been intuitive and read me well.

"I thought we kicked the habit of you apologizing for your emotions two years ago," he said with observant eyes. "Took a lot of hard work."

He was right. It was something I had worked hard on. I didn't cry often, much less around other people. It was an automatic response: apologizing for my emotions. During my very first session with Dr. Rob years ago, I shed a few tears and I said those words to him. It became our first lesson: not apologizing for emotions. I was entitled to feel what I felt without judgment and apologies.

"I shouldn't have stopped seeing you, huh?" I asked, voicing the disappointment I had in myself.

"You're here now, that's what's important," he pointed out, his voice softer. "I didn't mean to make you feel guilty."

I felt embarrassed about my tears and wiped them off. But right as I did it, I saw how silly it was to feel embarrassed. I had cried enough times in front of Dr. Rob; there was no reason why I should feel embarrassed by it. "You're right, though. Old shit is coming up again. And affecting me in new ways. I don't know what's happening."

He nodded, not saying a word. He was letting me lead the conversation however I wanted. At least for the time being.

I was quiet for a moment, thinking what the best way to beat around the bush was. "I started dating my best friend."

Dr. Rob showed no reaction, his eyes focused fully on me.

I continued to give a quick summary of Namjoon and me getting together some months back. Said how we both agreed in taking things slow, but in the last month or so things had been picking up quickly. I talked about the night of our breakup: us having sex, me getting a late call from my mother that lead to a fight, which then lead to Namjoon and my breakup.

"He said he needs someone who's more open. And someone who doesn't give it up so easily. Those were his words. He needs someone he can respect." I did my best to keep my voice steady. It was difficult to as his voice saying those words echoed in my head.

Dr. Rob frowned and leaned forward. "Do you think he meant he doesn't respect you?"

I gave a slight shrug. "That's what it sounded like."

"What did he say exactly? What were the words he used?"

"He said he couldn't be in a relationship where it was just about sex. He wants more. And that he couldn't go back to being friends. He respects himself too much." I was amazed at how I was able to let out the words without my voice shaking. It was stable and tears were coming down, but my voice stayed stable.

Dr. Rob looked at me quietly for a long moment, thinking. It took a good while before he spoke up. "Do you agree with him that it was just about sex?"

I paused for a moment and thought, as Dr. Rob had taught me to do a long time ago. I tended to speak before thinking. It was something I worked on during our past sessions. I thought back to the three months Namjoon and I had been together. We spent so much time with each other. Much of it was laughing and hanging out in different settings—dinner, museums, hiking. There had been some deep, meaningful conversations in between, but maybe not as many as we had when we were exclusively friends. In the last month of our relationship, sex did seem to be what we did often. "I can see how he saw it that way. In the last couple of weeks, we hardly left his room or mine. But it wasn't always like that. We did more than just sex."

"Why does it hurt so much when he said to you that you 'gave it up easily'?" Dr. Rob asked.

I thought back to the many emotions that had been running through me. About the words and how they affected me. "I didn't think my sexual appetite was a problem. It's not like I've had many sexual partners. I'm in my 30s and I can count on two hands how many guys I've slept with. But, with his words…I don't know. Maybe I have been with too many guys? Maybe I am too sexual? Maybe I need to change my mindset on sex? Maybe…maybe I'm not over the assault and I'm using sex as a weapon? I don't know." I let out some of the many thoughts that had gone through my brain the last few nights.

Dr. Rob seemed to be in deep thought. It was almost like he had dozens of questions he had, but trying to decide which was the best one to ask first. "Being with him, did you ever think about the man who assaulted you?"

"Not while we were having sex. He would come up in my head at random times, especially since I've come back to LA."

"Why do you think you're thinking more of him since you came back?" he asked curiously.

My mother immediately came to mind. I told Dr. Rob about Thanksgiving and about my outburst confession regarding my assault. Then I explained in more detail what the fight between my mother and me over the phone was about.

"Do you think I'm not over my assault and it's somehow blocking me from Namjoon?" I asked straight up.

"Well, I don't think you'll ever be over your assault. That's a journey that'll always stay with you. You will hopefully move on from it. And then it might rise later in life and manifest into something else. Only time and life will tell. Do you think you're over it? That it's blocking you from Namjoon?"

I thought for a moment, remembering the year before Namjoon and I had gotten together. I had a brief sexual relationship with a guy in Seoul. It was nothing too serious—I never came to love him, but I was with him for several months. "I think it helped that I had another sexual partner before Namjoon. The assault definitely caused me to be physically closed off. Being with that other guy helped me regain my comfort in my own skin. Getting to the point of being ok with a guy touching me took a while."

I remembered how broken I had been when I first visited Dr. Rob. I felt like my skin wasn't mine. Jerry and I had only had sex a few times due to my inability to be ok with his touch. I had never told Jerry about the assault either, yet I don't believe that it contributed to our breakup. It did, however, contribute to my lack of sexual appetite and self-esteem.

"I imagine if Namjoon had been my first partner after the fucker, things wouldn't have gone so smoothly between us as far as sex goes," I admitted after mulling it over.

"Before the night of the breakup, how were things in the bedroom between the two of you?"

"Great. We were quick to get in tune with one another. I thought it was going to take longer or things would get a bit awkward, but they never really did."

"You always felt comfortable telling him your sexual needs? Did you ask him openly about his limits and wants?"

I nodded. "He always asks for my consent in everything we do—whether it's verbally or stopping and waiting until I give him a clear nod or clear vocal confirmation. There were a handful of times when we would be eating and I would ask him his preferences and where his line was. I asked when we were alone and sex was not about to take place. We made sure to have these talks when we were clear of mind."

Dr. Rob nodded. "So, you had discussed anal sex ahead of time?"

I nodded. It felt much easier to talk about sex with someone other than my Tia Jia. "Namjoon doesn't believe in safe words—to him a 'no' or 'stop' is more than enough."

"Did you ever use the safe words—or rather, say 'no' or 'stop'?"

It took a moment to think back. I wanted to be fully honest. "I don't believe so."

"Nothing with him felt like it was going over the line?"

I shook my head.

"What about him? Did he ever stop himself or you during an act?"

"Only when he thought I felt uncomfortable or wanted confirmation before he continued. Namjoon tends to be more hesitant, so I usually had him lead. I personally wouldn't mind pushing the line a little more."

"Did you tell him that?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"We're still so new. I have a few kinks and didn't want to scare him off so quickly," I said with a slight, nervous chuckle.

However, Dr. Rob didn't find this to be a joke. "Do you fear your sexual preferences will scare him off?"

I shook my head instantly. "No! I was joking. My kinks aren't that extreme. What I meant was that I wanted to ease into it and pace our relationship. Isn't that how a relationship works? You slowly get to know each other and ease into one another's lives?"

Dr. Rob simply looked at me, a slight frown deepening. He looked away and seemed to think about something.

I was confused by this look. "What?" I asked.

"You've been friends for so long. You considered him your best friend for close to two years when you got together. Don't you think that the pacing between the two of you wouldn't fall under 'normal' pacing?"

"Being a couple and being friends are two very different things," I countered. "How you are with your boyfriend isn't how you would be with your best friend. They're vastly different."

Dr. Rob was quiet for a while, pondering and thinking. I didn't want to push him, knowing how he worked. He usually asked a lot of questions first to get a feel of things and then he hit me with the jugular. After a long moment, he asked another question. "How do you guys get along? What's the mood like when you guys hang out together?"

I wish I could go into Dr. Rob's mind and see what he was thinking. But I knew I had to wait. I hated waiting.

Hours later, I was walking into my home feeling completely exhausted.

"Hi, sweetheart." My Tia Jia greeted me and pulled me into a warm embrace.

She had informed me she was going to be coming over. Yoongi had finally decided to go out with his staff. I knew Tia Jia didn't like the idea of leaving me alone, especially after my session with my therapist.

As she pulled away, she took my face in her hands and cradled it with love. "How was it?"

"Ok, but long."

Tia Jia pulled away and motioned to the couch. We both went over to it and sat down. "What did you guys discuss?" she asked.

I pulled at my sleeves, tugging the material closer to my skin. "Mostly about Namjoon. That night in particular."

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked carefully.

I shook my head. "Not at the moment. I feel so drained from it."

Tia Jia reached over and rubbed my leg, comforting me. "When's your next appointment?"

"Saturday."

"This Saturday? Two days in one week?"

"Yeah." I pulled my legs up, brought them to my chest, and placed my arms above my knees.

Tia Jia had nothing but concern written on her face.

"It sounds like a lot, but there was still so much to go over. We mostly talked about Namjoon and my relationship. The fucker who assaulted me was hardly brought up. I honestly just want to tackle that issue and figure out how he still has such power over me."

Tia Jia let out a heavy sigh. "Well, just make sure to take plenty of water. It's going to exhaust you."

I nodded and lowered my head, pressing my mouth into the crease of my arm. The pressure eased me a little.

Days later, I found myself sitting in the same seat in front of Dr. Rob. This time, I didn't cry when he asked how I was. I felt more at ease during the session.

"Would you disagree on anything?" Dr. Rob asked about my relationship with Namjoon 15 minutes into our session. The fucker who assaulted me still had not been mentioned, but it seemed as if the topic of Namjoon was going to be the main focus again.

"Doesn't every couple?" I asked with a slight chuckle.

This time, Dr. Rob cracked a smile. "Obviously. But before the night of the breakup, what would you say your biggest disagreement was on?"

It didn't take long to know the answer to this. "Being secretive with his team."

"Did he want to tell his team about the two of you?"

I gave a nod.

"And you didn't?"

I shook my head.

"Why not?"

I went on to describe to Dr. Rob how the culture was with idols in South Korea. How intrusive the media was. I was worried about the public finding out about us and it backfiring on Namjoon and the group.

"When you used this as an argument, how did Namjoon react?"

"He insisted his team would keep our secret. But I just didn't want to run the risk."

"But what about Namjoon? It is his life. Shouldn't he have a say and decide whether he wants to risk his career or not?" Dr. Rob's tone wasn't harsh but it wasn't gentle either.

"Of course. But what if it didn't work out? Then he would have risked it for no reason," I said defensively. "We were only together for three months. That's way too soon."

"Too soon?" he said, with a slight look of disbelief.

"Yes. Normally, people date for about six months before things get too serious. There's progress in a relationship."

"True, but who says it has to be six months for a couple to be considered serious?"

"No one takes a couple who's only been dating for three months seriously."

"I know of some couples who were only together for six months when they tied the knot. And they've been together for more than two decades. I know another couple who moved in together after only dating a month and they've been together for eight years," he countered.

"Well, they're the exception, not the rule," I said automatically.

Dr. Rob cracked a smile. "Are you quoting He's Just Not That Into You?"

"Well, you did recommend the book to me years ago," I said back.

He let out a chuckle. "I did. After you voiced to me that you were having a hard time knowing what was in a guy's head and having trouble dating after you went to Korea."

I nodded.

He waited a moment before asking his next question. "Do you think you're a rule—not an exception?"

For a good while, I thought about my life. About never feeling special. Despite my musical talents and physical looks, I never felt exceptional. I had never felt treasured, other than with Tia Jia. But even with Tia Jia, I saw how she was with her two children and grandchildren and friends. She made everyone feel special. My brothers had always treated me like one of the boys growing up—normal, average. It was difficult to feel special when I had gone decades feeling so mediocre.

After I didn't answer his question, he pressed with another. "Did Namjoon make you feel like the rule?" Dr. Rob asked, pulling me from my negative thoughts.

Memories of Namjoon's and my first date popped into my head. The dinner he had made me. How he chanced walking next to me in Cheonggyecheon despite the crowd. Had I felt special? Yes. But then again, it was Namjoon. He knew people so well and knew how to make anyone feel special. It was his special power. "He knows how to make everyone feel special. I don't think I'm an exception."

Dr. Rob thought for a good while again, deciphering my words. "So, if you think you can't be his exception, do you want to be his rule?"

I frowned, not fully understanding.

Dr. Rob went on to clarify. "You might be considering this Rule Vs. Exception as if it's written law. When dating someone, in order for it to work, one must either be the Rule or the Exception. To you, because you have never thought of yourself as special or unique, you will never be someone's exception. So, in order for your relationship with Namjoon to work, you have to see yourself as The Rule. And the Rule follows social rules in dating. There are progress steps: be together for six months in order to be considered serious in the eyes of society."

I was left stunned. Was that how I was viewing myself in my relationship with Namjoon? "I never thought about it that way," I admitted.

"One of the obstacles we didn't get to fully tackle before was your self-worth and self-esteem when it came to your emotions. We focused mostly on your sexual assault and your prior relationships because those affected you the most during that time. I noted this during our sessions but it kept getting pushed back. I would really like to dive into it this time."

"What do you mean by my self-worth and self-esteem with my emotions?" I asked, a bit confused.

"When it comes to your musical talents, you're very sure of yourself. You have the biggest confidence on stage and when you're in a board meeting about your career. The same can be said about your intellect. But for some reason, your emotions when it comes to personal relationships, they're a different story. I would really like to dig a little deeper into that."

I thought about how I quickly apologized for crying the other day. I think I understood. My emotions were definitely not something I had full control over.

"We'll circle to this later, but let's go back to Namjoon and how the two of you disagreed. When you guys fought, how did you settle those fights?" Dr. Rob asked.

I thought carefully. "We never really get into huge fights—not counting the breakup. We had some disagreements, sure, but nothing too heavy."

"You've never had a big fight?"

Doing my best, I searched my memories. "Well…" I said, suddenly remembering. "We had one years ago."

"How did you resolve it?"

I thought long and hard and couldn't remember. It happened such long ago.

Dr. Rob understood my silence. "Ok. Let's take it from the top. What caused the fight?"

NOTES: Next chapter will all be a flashback.