"I'm in the dark without warmth"

Notes: More therapy. This is the breakdown of what's going on with Maya...mostly everything. There's a ton more, but focusing on just her issues with Namjoon here. Enjoy! :D

"I guess it wasn't a fight, really," I said after finishing telling the story. "It was more of a miscommunication. Namjoon and I always referred to it as our 'big fight', though."

It had taken more than one session for me to tell the full story to Dr. Rob. There were pieces I couldn't remember; I had to ask Yoongi to help me fill in the gaps. Dr. Rob continued to ask questions—wanting more details in certain parts of the stories.

"You and Namjoon didn't start getting close until after your move to Korea, right?" Dr. Rob asked, looking down at his notes, and wrote something down.

"Yes."

"That was two years after you two reconciled?"

I nodded.

He took a long pause and looked to consider something before talking again. "You describe your friendship with Jin as playful and platonic. When did you start feeling close to him? You mentioned Jungkook, Jin, and Namjoon were the last ones you still hadn't gotten close to."

It didn't seem odd that Dr. Rob was asking me questions about my friendship with the other guys. He had been asking similar questions throughout the last two sessions as I told him the story of Namjoon and my fight. However, I was interested in how all of this mattered with my relationship with Namjoon—and even more so, how it tied to the walls I put up.

"I think it was after Namjoon and my fight. The guys went on vacation days after. Jin and I messaged each other a lot. He sent me a lot of silly photos of their trip. There's a video of Yoongi being drunk and Jin convincing him to perform a girl group song all on his own," I said, laughing at the memory. I still had the video and watched it whenever I wanted a good laugh.

Dr. Rob gave a nod and noted something else. "So, it's right to say that out of all the guys, Namjoon was the last one you became friends with?"

I nodded.

"And that it took two years longer than the rest of the guys?"

And then I finally caught on to what he might be implying. "Do you think I kept Namjoon at a distance after we reconciled?"

Dr. Rob shrugged. "In those two years, before he called you during your panic attack, did you guys exchange messages with each other—just as friends, nothing to do with work?"

Thinking deeply, I couldn't give him an answer. I couldn't remember.

"You said on multiple occasions that your friendship with Namjoon really took off after he helped you through your panic attack. That was two years after your fight. Perhaps in those previous years, deep within you, you held onto that fight," Dr. Rob suggested.

After taking a step back and considering Dr. Rob's words, I spoke up. "You mean to say, subconsciously I'm unable to trust Namjoon because of that fight? All those years ago?"

"It might be multilayered," Dr. Rob answered. "There's the hurt from the fight. You thought of him as a friend and entrusted him with information about yourself that was very personal only to find out he didn't think of you as a friend back. That created trust issues. Then there's the layer of your view of friends and partners—you trust your friends with your emotions, but with your partners, you're very guarded. In the past, you felt shame in sharing emotions. You were ridiculed by your exes. You were made fun of and dismissed by them. There's also the layer of Namjoon reacting similarly to those exes. He made a judgment of your sexuality. You shared personal information with him, believing it was safe for you to do so, only for him to throw it to your face. And then there's the possibility that you're self-sabotaging this relationship.

"After years of unhealthy relationships, this bond with Namjoon seems very alien to you. Your fight or flight responses are kicking in—making you want to run off or do whatever you can to drive Namjoon off. You did it years ago when you guys were only friends—or colleagues. You wanted to rid him of your life before he had another chance to hurt you. And then you did it the night of your break up. Rather than stay while the argument is happening, or wait for him to come back, you took off."

I let Dr. Rob's words sink in. I thought carefully about what he had observed, but something wasn't sitting right with me. "I know Namjoon would never treat me the same as my exes, though. There's not an ounce of meanness in his body."

"Then why did it hurt so much when he said you 'give it up easily'?" Dr. Rob challenged.

I was too stunned to respond. He had a point there. Those words had brought out emotions that were familiar. Emotions I hadn't felt since my last asshole ex.

Dr. Rob's face softened as he looked straight at me. "I'm not saying Namjoon's cruel. I'm saying he's human. Everyone makes mistakes. We're all capable of saying things we don't mean when we're angry and regret it later. It's not an excuse. But it's important for you not to put him on a pedestal. Because there's only one way he can go when he makes a mistake: down."

"I put Namjoon on a pedestal?" I asked, taken aback by his use of the word.

"I think you do. It goes along with your belief you're not his 'exception'. You said, and I quote," he looked down at his notes and read, "'He knows how to make everyone feel special. I don't think I'm an exception'. You are the one who put emphasis on 'everyone'." Dr. Rob stared at me for a while, allowing the words to sink in. "He must be extraordinary to make everyone feel special. And that's how you see him: extraordinary. But after the two occasions he messed up, walls come up which blocked this extraordinary person from coming in and knowing you—someone who can be his exception."

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt wetness on my lap. I wiped the tears off and internally screamed at myself. Dr. Rob's analysis of me was making complete sense and answered so many questions. And it was angering me. "Why am I doing that to him?"

"It's a defense mechanism, Maya," Dr. Rob said gently. "Your entire childhood, your emotions weren't protected. Your primitive role models neglected every emotion you had. Your physical needs were met, but your emotional ones were not. You don't see yourself as special outside of your musical talents. You're rejecting him before he can reject you. Just take a look at your response just now: 'Why am I doing that to him?' Rather than trying to figure out why you're doing this to yourself, you keep thinking of him. I'm not saying not to think of him—but you must put your emotional needs in higher regard."

"How do I stop doing that?" I asked.

"Hard work—like last time," he said.

I took a breath. I remember that hard work. It was mentally and emotionally exhausting. But it had been worth it. I felt more centered and whole the more sessions I had with Dr. Rob. I was ready to have that feeling again.

I arrived at my house with the clear determination to head straight to bed; however, Yoongi was having none of that.

"I made budae jjigae," he said, leading me from the living room to the kitchen.

Pouting and almost stomping my feet, I followed. "Where are Kiwoo and Dal?" I asked, referring to the two Big Hit staff who were also staying at the house.

"Taking a nap. We were out the entire day."

"Is Ky being a good chauffeur?" I asked as we arrived at the kitchen island. "Be sure you're getting your money's worth with that stingy ass."

Yoongi chuckled. "Today he asked for seafood."

"He really has no shame. Don't tell me you got him VIP passes for your show in Seoul."

"I did."

"That cheap, son of a bitch needs to start paying for stuff. You should have given him nosebleed seats."

"He took us to a Clippers game again. We took normal seats, though. No press noticed, so I was able to enjoy the game."

"Did he buy?"

"Why do you think we had normal seats?" Yoongi asked with a smile.

Figures. Kyong would never pay for floor seats.

I took a seat as Yoongi went to the stove.

"So, how did it go today?" he asked, taking a bowl, and starting to serve me.

I gave a stretch and let out a groan. "There was a lot to unpack."

Giving a brief summary of the session and what Dr. Rob had analyzed, Yoongi listened intently. He gave little nods here and there, agreeing mostly with Dr. Rob's words.

"Do you think I put Namjoon on a pedestal?" I asked Yoongi after I was done telling him about Dr. Ron's analysis.

There was a moment of quietness as Yoongi looked to think about his next words. "Namjoonie is quite the individual. Brilliant, talented, and hardworking. It's impossible to know him and not notice how special he is. Before even meeting him, I was told how gifted he was. I was jealous, I won't lie. I hadn't even met the guy and everyone around me was praising this son of a bitch like he was the next Tablo. But then I met him, and I understood what the hype was about. I wasn't about to admit it, though," he said with a laugh as he remembered.

I smiled back a little. Namjoon and Yoongi's relationship had been quite intense from the beginning. Looking at them, one wouldn't understand how they could ever belong in the same group; let alone, live together 24/7.

Yoongi let out a sigh, his face going back to serious. "That jealousy didn't last long, though. You know why?"

"Why?" I asked, hanging onto his every word.

"I saw the weight he carried. I saw the light he brought to everyone's eyes. And I witnessed the damage it caused him when people realized he was only a man. He would make a mistake and the way they looked at Namjoonie completely changed. And disappointing others was one of Namjoonie's worst fears. He was only 17 and he was carrying so much shit. I was grateful that wasn't me. But I felt empathy for the poor kid.

"For over a decade, I have seen how people look at him like he's a god. At stadiums, fan meetings, crowds, and random people in public. He's up on a pedestal to countless individuals. I've seen it with some of the guys as well. But I don't think I've seen that look as intense as I've seen it in you."

I took it in, opening myself up to accepting it. "I didn't know I was doing it. It's not fair to him," I said.

Yoongi let out a heavy sigh. "It's not fair for you either, Maiwa. Dr. Rob is right: you need to start considering your emotional needs."

I nodded, agreeing with him. I had done it again without realizing it.

"Did Dr. Rob recommend any exercises for that? Give you any homework?" Yoongi asked.

I had and I told Yoongi what they were. "He said I should also get back to writing."

Yoongi frowned at my use of words. "You haven't written?"

I shook my head.

"On purpose?"

Nod.

"Why?"

Dr. Rob had asked me the same question. When Yoongi asked it, I reacted the same. Nerves started to kick in. I disliked talking about my emotions, especially when it dealt with my vulnerabilities. "I've been too scared to. I reach for a pen or pencil, but then I start panicking. Dr. Rob thinks it's still tied to my fear. Writing about that night will open up the floodgates to everything I've been holding in about him."

There was a long silence.

I had said a lot and was too chicken shit to say more.

But Yoongi dared to ask. "What have you been holding in?"

A heaviness in my chest appeared. I felt the tears coming before they escaped my eyes. Thinking about this made me feel fucking scared. It was a fear I had always felt but suppressed. But Namjoon had brought it to the surface. In the months we had been together, he had managed to fish it out of me.

But I was reacting like a fish would once it was brought to the surface—suffocated, struggling, fighting to get back in the water. Craving to swim back deep into the sea that was full of darkness. It was a darkness that I was familiar with; however dangerous it might be. But there was no way I could go back. Namjoon's hook would not let me go.

Warm arms held me, giving me a bit of oxygen as I struggled here on the surface.

"Perhaps it would be better to let it out on paper first," Yoongi said gently.

I stayed in his embrace for a while, needing some time to calm down. Once I was settled, I made my way up the stairs and forced myself to go to my small office slash mini studio.

Deciding I wasn't going to hide anymore, I decided to write.

Making my way to my stool, I took out one of my journals and grabbed my favorite guitar. I let my fingers do the work. My voice was shit, but I still hit the record button, not allowing myself to pause. For an hour, I let the mic pick up everything.

Didn't know how to tell you the truth/ Don't know why I do what I do/ Don't know what I'm trying to prove/ Want to know the reasons why I do what I do

I care for you/ But I've acted a fool

Need a shot glass in my fist/ So I can spill away all my business/ Telling this stranger about you/ I 'm getting too personal

Can they tell I've been crying all night/ I told myself I don't care for you/ But I know it's a lie/ Because I do

As much as I was grateful for Yoongi being there, he couldn't stay forever. His departure day had finally arrived.

He allowed me to hug him, making me promise to call him if I needed a friend.

It was hard to see him go, but it was good for me. I needed time by myself to collect my thoughts. Needed to be left alone to write and sing freely. Dr. Rob had been right. Now that I had gotten back to my art, I felt more grounded. The fear I had was starting to get more tolerable.

The day after Yoongi left, I was back at Dr. Rob's office.

We were in the middle of another session when he caught onto something I had said and he was wanting me to further explain myself.

We were going over the breakup night again and I made a mention how I was silly in trying to hide my fight with my mother in the bathroom. I should have known better than to think Namjoon wouldn't know I was lying to him. He always knew when I was lying, he knew me too damn well.

"Why is it such a bad thing that he knows you so well?" Dr. Rob asked, curiously. "Every time you say or hint towards how well Namjoon knows you, you have this look on your face. Like you don't like it."

"I don't," I said honestly, tugging at the ends of my shirt.

"Why is that?"

"I don't know…. Namjoon always seems to know what's going on in my head before I do. It's a little scary."

Dr. Rob was quiet for a moment as he looked through his notes. "I remember an ex of yours—I believe he was your first serious relationship. You described him as—and I quote, 'a sick fuck who knew me so well, he knew what to say and do to embarrass and belittle me. It didn't matter if we were alone or in public, but he had this special power that made him able to read people—especially me—very well. And he used it all for evil.'"

I remembered that ex. He was my first serious boyfriend. He never hit me, but he certainly used words to fuck me up. But Namjoon had never made me feel that way. "Namjoon would never use my secrets against me."

Dr. Rob gave me a long look before presenting me with an interesting viewpoint. "On the night of your breakup, Namjoon telling you, you 'gave it up so easily' made you feel negative. You had entrusted him with something very intimate about your past sexual experiences. You felt safe to do so and that night, he used it against you," he reminded me.

I don't know why I kept forgetting that part.

"Again, Namjoon is human. You need to see him as so. Negating his faults is not fair to him or you," Dr. Rob said. "He hurt you with those words. Whether he intended to or not. And it's ok to be upset with him for it."

I nodded, understanding. "It's definitely something I'm going to need to talk to him about. It's just…I don't like being angry with him. I don't think I have ever been upset with him for too long—even during our big fight all those years ago. I mostly was hurt but didn't feel furious with him. Thinking about talking to him regarding this makes me feel anxious, to be honest."

"I don't remember you having anxiety when you met with your ex after your breakup. You met with him shortly after starting sessions with me. You wanted closure with him and you seemed pretty relaxed about it. Namjoon is different."

"He is."

Dr. Rob stared at me for a long while. "Being upset with Namjoon won't make you care for him any less. And you care for him a lot."

I nodded in agreement.

Once again, he was quiet. "I think you know what I'm indirectly saying when I use that word…."

My heart began to race because I do know what he was alluding to. And I knew he was going to make me say it. Because in the many sessions, we had had the past three weeks, I hadn't said it.

"Well…." He pressed.

I took a breath. I knew I needed to let it out. I needed to face it. Namjoon had always made me feel so incredibly vulnerable and even though he wasn't here, it certainly felt like he could hear me; as if he was waiting for the words.

"I love him," I admitted, feeling my chest crack as I did.

I went through a series of emotions. I was a blubbering mess for a good while. "I've never said it first. It always took me months to say it back when my past boyfriends said it to me."

"Similar to the question I asked earlier about the problem you have with Namjoon knowing you so well: why is it such a bad thing to admit the feeling? Why not ever say it first?"

It took a long moment for me to admit it. I had always known the answer, discovered it a while back right after my breakup with Jerry, but had never let anyone know. "It seems silly, but it feels as if I was giving away a vulnerability as soon as I say it. And I don't like feeling vulnerable."

Dr. Rob nodded. "Makes sense you hate feeling vulnerable. If you did, who could you turn to? You've shared the stories of the rare times you sought help from your parents only to be brushed away—made to think your emotions were unimportant. It's the fear of being abandoned and/or rejected. It's manifested into your adulthood and your adult relationships. You allow people in, but only up to a certain point. You draw a line. It was the root of your and Jerry's problems. You didn't let Jerry in. And now you're doing it with Namjoon."

A rotten thought made its way into my insecurity. "Jerry wanted to stay," I pointed out. "He proposed even though we had our problems. Does that mean he loved me more than Namjoon?" The thought was enough to make it feel like a knife was cutting straight into me. To think Namjoon didn't love me the way I wanted him to….

Dr. Rob took a moment before answering. "That's one way you can look at it. Or you can look at it like Namjoon knows his worth. Knows that a relationship that isn't open and honest will fail. He doesn't want a failed relationship with you."

He had a point there. Namjoon was fully confident in his worth; he had moments of low self-esteem but would never stay in a situation that would cause him damage.

"How do you think he feels about you?" Dr. Rob asked.

With every fiber in my body, I was certain I knew the answer. It had been a while since I had known the answer. It thrilled me to know it but terrified me. "He loves me."

"Has he told you he loved you?"

I shook my head, wiping away some tears and keeping my head slightly down.

"Why do you think he hasn't said it first?"

It was another answer I knew and it broke my heart to know it. "Because he knew how I would react. He was afraid of scaring me off."

"So you know him just as well as he knows you," Dr. Rob observed.

We were quiet for a moment. I bathed in the feeling I had admitted those words out loud. Bathed in the scary notion that Namjoon possessed a part of me that no longer belonged to solely me. My heart hadn't been my own in a while and facing that fact was causing me to go through some frightening emotions.

"Your past boyfriends always judged your male friendships. It was one of the reasons why the relationships didn't work out. Their accusations would make you angry, and defensive. That's how you handled disagreements in the past. With Namjoon, you closed up. Like you did many years ago. Back then, he's the one who messed up and he did his best to correct it."

"I need to open up," I concluded.

"If you want a relationship with him—or anyone, for that matter—you're going to have to. At least, a healthy one."

"I want to fix things," I said with determination.

I had messed up this time. It was my turn to correct it. And to correct it, I needed to view these emotions I had for Namjoon as something not scary. Because it wasn't. It shouldn't be.

AN: So, I woke up sick! Thankfully, I worked on most of the editing on this chapter earlier in the week. That being said, I'm not sure I'll have enough strength and/or time to go over the next chapter before next Friday. I might either post late on the weekend (depending on how I feel) or just take my time with it and post Chapter 28 in two weeks...