NOTE: Maya makes a decision...

[ulil hyanghae bichuneun bichi isseuni]

After many sessions with Dr. Rob and allowing music to help me heal, I reached out to Ky to tell him that I was ready to get back to work. I reached out to the artists I was set to work with this month and apologized for the unexpected cancelation. We rescheduled for dates later in the next year. With the holidays already occurring, it was best if we met sometime in the upcoming new year.

Ky was definitely ecstatic at hearing me say I still wanted to continue our search for a new label. I was really his only recording artist, so he was rather bored in not having much to do. However, he insisted he was mostly happy because I was getting back to the real world.

He had a point. After the breakup, I had gone a whole week without much human contact. That wasn't normal for me. Besides during the beginning of the pandemic, I had never gone so long without going outside. Thankfully, sessions with Dr. Rob forced me to leave the comfort of my home where I felt safe. Finally, I had to go back to the real world and it scared me a little. I was expecting cameras to come out of nowhere immediately after leaving my residence. Feared that they would capture my disheveled state and post it online for everyone to see—for Namjoon to see.

There had been a few paparazzi waiting for me outside my home, but after a few days of doing this daily, it became easier to manage. I still refused to get on social media or read the news, so I never saw what was written about me.

Now, after all the sessions with Dr. Rob and using music to help me heal, I could feel my confidence being regained. I was now able to tolerate the guys creeping in the bushes. I relearned how to live my life.

I was pulling into my garage after another some therapy shopping at a used bookstore when I got a call from an international number. I was positive it was Yoongi.

Immediately, I answered. "Yups?"

"What are you doing?" came a gruff voice from the other end of the phone.

I let out a laugh. "You sound so bored. How are you feeling?"

Yoongi had arrived back in Korea and as per COVID regulations, he had to quarantine for 10 days. Sadly, he had also tested positive. "Not too bad." He let out a light cough. "Got some news that I wanted you to hear from me."

"What?" I asked.

"Namjoon tested positive."

I almost dropped my books. "What?!" I began to worry and think the worse.

"He says he's feeling ok. We get tested every day as a precaution, so that's how we found out. Poor guy was almost done with quarantine, too. Now he has to wait at least another 10 days. The company is going to make the announcement later today. Thought it was best you heard before it was announced. And that he's ok." He let out a small cough.

"Be sure you're taking care of yourself, Yoongwa," I said with concern. I knew the virus was less intense and there was better medicine now to treat it. Plus, all the guys were vaccinated. However, I still was concerned for them.

"Ah, shit," Yoongi let out on the other end of the line.

"What?"

"I just got a message from the team. Jin-hyung tested positive."

"What the hell?" I said, shocked. That was three members already. What the hell was going on?

"Hyungie just sent a message to us. Says he mostly has a headache and some body aches, so he tested to be sure. Unnie-noona has it worse, he says."

I could only imagine how Namjoon was probably feeling. What were his symptoms? Did I have a right to ask Yoongi that question? How much personal information about my ex could I ask his friend? "Are the staff taking care of Namjoon? And Jin and Unnie?"

"Yeah. We have staff members getting us medicine. We'll be ok. There are doctors coming to us as a precaution."

We went on to talk for a good while. We discussed his long plane ride, his ideas of what he would do during quarantine, and how my therapy had gone.

Eventually, the conversation led to a question Yoongi had asked me before. I did my best to not keep asking questions about Namjoon, not wanting to come across as needy. Plus, I had no claim or right to know all of Namjoon's business, right? We were broken up. Yoongi had just done me a favor as a friend by giving me a heads-up about it.

"Any idea when you're going to start using Kakao again? Having to call you internationally is getting expensive," he said jokingly as he gave a light laugh. A cough came out as he laughed, though.

"I'm not sure," I said after he was done coughing. I knew what Yoongi was hinting at. He was wanting me to get in touch with Namjoon.

"You know it's been almost a month since you last spoke," Yoongi said, done with beating around the bush.

I had always used KakaoTalk to communicate with Bangtan but since my breakup with Namjoon, I had refused to open the app. I was still afraid of what the messages might possibly say. His hurt. His anger. And then there was the possibility that he wouldn't have contacted me at all. It was highly unlikely, especially since Yoongi had been hinting at it for a while that Namjoon was trying to reach out to me. But there was a chance of it. And if it was true that he hadn't tried reaching out, I had a feeling that would hurt more.

I made Yoongi call me internationally instead. The other guys were busy on their personal vacations with their families, so they had only reached out through email, asking about my well-being.

I let out a heavy sigh, feeling my stomach turn. "I know. There are a few things I need to take care of before I finally face him, though."

"Like what?"

"Talking with my mother. I need to face things with her first before meeting with Namjoon."

"Hmmm." Then he was quiet. Oddly quiet.

"What?" I asked, feeling there was something Yoongi was concerned about but was hesitating in telling me.

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with right now. Take care of yourself first. Then we'll talk. When are you meeting your mother?"

"Tomorrow."

Suddenly, my phone rang with someone on the other line. I checked to see who it was. "Hey, I'll call you later. Ky is calling."

"Ok. But definitely call me back—I'll be bored."

"Call Jimin," I said.

Yoongi let out a grunt. "I talked to him all day yesterday. Seriously, for three hours he would not let me hang up."

"You love it, don't pretend you don't," I accused before just bluntly hanging up on him. I knew how much it annoyed him when I did it. Smiling, I accepted Ky's call. "Yups?"

"Get yourself dolled up—but not in a whorish way," Ky greeted.

"What the fuck," I responded, thrown off just a little.

"We have a very important dinner tomorrow, be sure to dress nicely."

"With who?" I asked, curiously.

Ky and I pulled into a private property the next day. It was a lavish home and we were welcomed by security of all tall, buff Korean men. I recognized the head of security, having crossed paths with him plenty of times at HYBE. He welcomed us at the entrance of the house. Before we could reach the front doors, Bang Sihyuk came out to greet us with a smile.

After we all gave respectful bows, Sihyuk shook hands warmly with Ky and patted my hands. He led us into his extravagant home. I had heard rumors of him having purchased a home in California but I wasn't about to ask if the rumors were true.

His wife and children greeted us as well. We all headed to their dining room where we had Sihyuk's wife's cooking.

I knew how important and intimate this meeting was. The few times I had dinner with Sihyuk, it had been at a restaurant; never was it at his home and with his wife's cooking. Sihyuk definitely wanted us to feel at ease.

After dinner was done and his wife and kids excused themselves, Sihyuk invited Ky and me to another room. It seemed he was finally going to get to the reason for our meeting. Although, I was positive what that reason was. A contract.

I had so many thoughts in my head but I managed to keep calm, even as Sihyuk began to speak.

"I had a phone meeting some days ago with members of the board and they're interested in an idea I have that involves you, Maya."

"And what would that be?" I asked, trying my best to hide the fact that my heart was beating a mile a minute.

It had been about two months that I had been in the States and every deal offered to me by record labels was shit. Since getting back to music, I was feeling the bug again of wanting to make an album. I needed to be back in the studio. I wanted to be back on the stage. And if no American record label would have me, I would do it independently, just as Ky had suggested. However, if an offer from HYBE—a great one—was being offered, then I definitely want to take it. I just hoped Sihyuk would be involved somehow.

Sihyuk continued speaking, "The two of us spoke a while back about me throwing your name to the board. They're looking to sign an established artist on their new subsidiary in America before they form their newest girl group. You countered that you want me to run that subsidiary. However, I'm not willing to leave Big Hit and/or run another company. I am, though, willing to meet you halfway," he said with a smile.

I stayed calm, waiting.

"I can offer you a place at Big Hit Music. You would have full ownership to your masters, as you have always requested in your contracts, and would call the shots to how your music is released."

I wanted to immediately say yes to the deal, but I wouldn't be the successful artist I am today if I wasn't brilliant at handling my contracts. There was a catch for this, I could feel it. "What would HYBE need from me to have this deal?"

Sihyuk warm smile did not waiver, though. "I am fully in charge of Big Hit Music—HYBE has no control over who I decide to sign onto my record label."

"Then why did you talk to the heads of the board?" I asked.

"Because even though I am the one in charge of Big Hit, my interest is still with HYBE. Having you join us would benefit the entire corporation. It's a good thing to include the board because in the meeting I made a mention how you could still be a potential mentor to any girl group they decide to form—both present and future ones. CEO of ADOR, Heejin-nim, was part of the meeting and she was quite supportive of the idea. Even asked if she could be the first to use your assistance with her girl group debuting next year. Being part of HYBE allows you the freedom to go through countless rooms—especially under Big Hit. I know you enjoy being a songwriter and I saw how influential you were with Bangtan at the beginning of their careers. You could continue writing for other artists under HYBE and could help lead the new generation of artists."

I turned to Ky, who was doing his best from smiling so wide. I could feel the thrill coming off of him. "What do you think?"

Ky gave a slight shrug. "You're the boss."

I took a breath, thought a moment, and made a quick decision. "There are a few things I need to tell you first, though."

Sihyuk nodded and leaned forward. "Tell me."

I had left the meeting with Sihyuk with a plan mapped out. It happened fast and quickly. I barely had enough time to tell Ky about it. He had thoughts on it, but I didn't give him a chance to voice them. I had a limited time to get all of this done. Like a bandage, I needed to rip it off fast. It was the only way to deal with it.

The first part of this plan was to meet with my mother. I hadn't spoken to her since our argument weeks ago. Following my meeting with Sihyuk, I messaged her about wanting to meet. She was the first person I needed to straighten things with.

I was walking on my family's farm early the next morning. I could feel my nerves work their way through me. Taking breaths, I did my best to calm myself.

My mother immediately answered the door. She didn't have a smile on her face, but she also didn't give her usual criticism upon seeing me. So…improvement?

She led the way to the kitchen, already having a coffee pot ready.

I served myself. "Where's my dad?"

My mom took a sip of her coffee. "Went for a ride."

I didn't know my father very well but knew that whenever he went on one of his horse rides, he was gone for hours. My mother and I would be alone for a while. I would have wanted to also talk to him, but I needed to take what I could get.

Taking my cup of coffee to the kitchen island, I took a seat and went straight to it.

"I was dating Namjoon for three months," I confessed to my mother.

She frowned at me, not understanding. "Who?"

She had always been bad with names. It didn't anger me she didn't know who I was referring to. "Namjoon is part of Bangtan, the friends I invited to Thanksgiving dinner."

My mother gave a nod, understanding. "Is he the one who's invited you over to his family's home for Korean New Year's?"

I was genuinely surprised she remembered. "Yes."

My mother took another sip of her coffee. "I had a feeling something was going on between you for the last two years. Whenever you call us from Korea, you always talk about him. His name never sticks, though."

"Nothing happened between the two of us for the longest time. Not until some months ago." It felt good to admit my relationship with Namjoon. It solidified it. Like it was something real and not something I had dreamed. I hadn't seen him in so long that it was starting to feel like a fairy tale from long ago. A fairy tale I was longing to relive.

"So, what happened? You said you were dating him," my mother asked.

"He broke it off. I closed off," I admitted. "He wanted more and I couldn't give it to him."

"Same thing that happened to Jerry?"

I frowned, thrown off once again.

My mother gave me a sad smile. "I may not know you as well as Jia does, but I can see the person you are. You've always been very closed off. Jerry was always friendly and a good man. You've always been guarded. It was only a matter of time before you and Jerry broke up."

We went silent. My mother's words echoed, moving something within me. I took a breath and continued with the task I had given myself. "Do you know why I'm so guarded?"

My mother didn't answer, but her eyes stayed on me. There was a fragileness there. A weakness and almost fear. I knew she knew what was coming next. She was preparing herself.

I found the courage to say aloud the words I had been needing to voice for years. "Since I was young, I felt I only had myself to rely on. I didn't feel protected or safe to be vulnerable. Vic and Seb were older and never home—they also never felt protected with the two of you. It was years before they started taking me with them wherever they went, wanting to protect me from the chaos. But the damage had been done. I saw the violence and felt the fear."

There was a stream of tears coming down my mother's face and weirdly, none were coming from me. My voice was steady and calm despite the fact that my insides were trembling. It was frightening to admit all of this out loud to one of the people who had caused me the most damage.

I continued speaking, not wanting to lose my momentum. "My teen years and twenties were spent with shitty guys who treated me like crap. There was violence in them because I thought it was normal—I learned from my childhood. It wasn't until I started surrounding myself with good people—good men—that I became aware of the toxicity I was living in. I didn't want it anymore. I wanted more."

My mother nodded, still crying, but she finally spoke. "I knew what we were doing was horrible. I saw that drinking lead the two of us to become monsters to each other. I saw the…" she let out a sob and it took her a moment to continue. "I saw how scared we made you three kids." Her eyes were bloodshot, and filled with pain and agony, and regret as she stared at me. "I knew we were doing wrong, but I didn't know how to stop myself."

As my petite mother sobbed and let out her regrets, I just sat there, looking at her. A part of me felt bad for the emotions she was going through. A part of me knew this was all generational trauma. My mother never spoke of her childhood, but I was certain she grew up in an abusive household. While I had a good relationship with my grandparents, I had always been aware that my mother was never able to stay in the same room as her parents. I noticed the hatred. I caught on to the bitter tone my grandparents would use towards my mother, whereas opposed to me, the tone was kind and sweet. A part of me felt bad for that small child that lived inside my mother that lived through far greater nightmares than mine, but the bigger part of me was unmoved. Not because I didn't care, but because it was difficult to think of her hurt when I had my own demons I was fighting. I didn't want to hug her and tell her it was ok because it wasn't. Things weren't ok. We were broken. She needed to feel her feelings, just as I had to feel mine.

"I honestly thought quitting drinking was going to fix everything," my mother admitted after calming down a little. "The fights stopped, at least. And it got me to finally start talking to you kids, but…there's still so much more."

It was true. My parents had stopped drinking some years back. I never considered them alcoholics. Their fights would occur with or without a bottle in their hands, but things definitely got more intense with alcohol. I wasn't sure what it was that caused my parents to quit, but my mother was right that it had fixed a lot of things. They no longer argued. My mom did actively talk to us now. But as she had said, there was still so much more. To say. To fix. To heal.

And I wasn't sure if I had the patience or care to deal with that right now. "It's been three decades of this, Madre. And I'm not sure if I have the energy to continue trying."

My mother looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I need a break from you guys. I not only need physical space from you like a couple of years back, but I need emotional space."

"Is this because of the whole Chad thing?" she asked. "Because I'm insisting you press charges? Mija, I'm only wanting what's best for you."

Irritation came to the surface. "My assault is something I'm dealing with in my own way, Madre. It is my decision. If I decide later to press charges, it's because I will want to. I'm trying to move past Chad. I'm trying to move past the whole goddamn label because I know they know about him and are covering for him. I want to continue with my life. A new phase."

"And what does that new phase entail?" she asked, almost looking scared of the answer.

I don't tell her about my entire plan in full detail; I just tell her the parts I believe she should know. She is still the person who birthed me and a part of me still holds some respect for her.

We talked for a bit longer, she gave me professional advice and I listened. She brought up good points and I took notes. My mother might not have been great for me emotionally, but professionally, she was a great mentor.

After speaking about my musical life, the talk died down and we were both quiet.

"I'm grateful for Jia," my mother said into the silence. She had my full attention. "Even as kids, she felt like my guardian angel. When things got hard at home, I would sneak off to her house. Her home was like a shelter for me. Her parents were always sweet. Made me feel safe in their presence." My mother stared out of the window as if she was reliving old, forgotten days. Tears streamed down. "She saved me in so many ways. I'm glad she was able to be an angel for you as well. And I'm grateful you recognize you need something different. Something more. Those Korean boys were the extra help you needed, I think, to stop the cycle."

My silent tears joined hers at hearing this.

She might be right. With the guys being in my life, I saw how real men were supposed to be and I refused to lower the bar. It wasn't a surprise I had fallen for one of the Bangtan members. And I was lucky he loved me back.

I just hoped my plan worked.

A little bit later, I finally left my mother's house. We gave our goodbyes and I drove off without looking back.

I had said the most important things I wanted to my mother. I would have wanted to have said more, but I was on a time crunch. A part of me was disappointed my mother never apologized for her past mistakes, but as I drove home, I thought about whether I really needed her to be sorry. If I needed her to say the words. She had never made excuses for her mistakes, never got defensive, and never got angry at my accusations. She accepted them. Allowed me to let out what I needed to let out. That's what I needed.

Had she apologized to me, what would I have said back? I wasn't ready to work on my relationship with her. There was another relationship that took priority. Her apologies would come later…maybe. That was a journey that was fully hers.

"Do you think this is a good deal?" Dr. Rob asked.

We were currently doing a video call later that day. He was out of the state and with his family for the holidays. I felt a little bad for taking his time away from his family. He shouldn't have to deal with work. However, he insisted it was ok. I had messaged him an SOS right after talking to Sihyuk, needing advice on how to handle this, not knowing he was on vacation. He was off in the mountains but said he could make time.

I didn't want to waste too much of his time, so as soon as we started the video call, I told him about the talk I had with my mother. We went over it a little; he was proud I had finally taken the step of being honest with her.

But, I didn't want to waste too much time on my mother. I didn't have much time with Dr. Rob, so I wanted to spend it wisely. I turned the focus of the conversation to the deal. I didn't give any specific details, obviously, but an overall view of it.

"I really trust the executive that's offering the deal," I said genuinely. "I don't see myself signing with anyone here in the States. I'm constantly being blocked. But also, I like this label. I've worked with these people during my time in Korea. It would be a good change."

"And it would place you back in Korea…next to Namjoon," Dr. Rob added. "Is that where you want to be?"

"I do. I want to work things out with him. It'll be difficult to do that here in California."

"You're right. So…what's stopping you?"

I didn't hesitate to answer, "Nothing."

"Do you feel ready to go back?"

"No," I said honestly. "But I feel if I waste any more time, it'll only get more difficult."

"What will happen with your sessions?" he asked, curiously.

"Would we be able to proceed through video calls?"

"We could. You would have to really commit, Maya. We've done this before. You did very well at first and then…you let it go."

"I know. But I'll continue it this time. I have a lot of work to do and I want to continue working on me."

Dr. Rob smiled at me. "Good to hear. Well, it seems like you have your mindset. Was I really needed?" he asked with a slight chuckle.

"Well, I was wondering if you have any advice before I go."

Dr. Rob thought for a moment, then finally let out, "Follow Jerry's advice."

"Jerry?" I asked, thrown off by the sudden mention of my ex.

"His words to you when the two of you met for the last time before you left for Korea."

I thought back to the memory.

Jerry came over to my face for a final meeting. We hadn't spoken at all since the breakup. After I rejected his proposal, he immediately took a flight out of Honduras, which was where we were staying. He sent a friend a week later to my house to pick up his few possessions. I didn't have much at his place, so I never bothered in picking my stuff up. Now, months later and we were meeting again, feeling it was only right if I gave him closer.

I felt I owed it to him and our past relationship to have that one last conversation. Out of all my boyfriends, he had treated me well. Maybe he didn't love me the way I wanted and needed, but he still cared for me.

It didn't take long for the apologies to start. A few tears made their way down. I wanted to tell him about my assault so he could understand—but why would it matter? Ultimately, the assault had not been why we broke up. He didn't need to know.

A couple of hours later, it seemed we both had closure.

I escorted him out and right as we got to the front door, we shared a final hug.

As he pulled away, he looked at me with the saddest eyes. "Can I give you a bit of advice?"

His tone sounded a bit strange. I nodded.

"When the right guy comes around, don't be afraid to let him in."

I frowned, still confused.

He explained himself. "You tend to keep people at bay, never fully letting them in. These last few months I've been thinking more about it. While you did share with me things about you, I think I might have dismissed them. I don't think I gave you the full attention you deserved. Hell, I failed to remember how much you hated diamonds. Yet, I still proposed to you with one." His eyes were misty while looking at me. "I think you think there isn't a point in sharing your thoughts and emotions because you don't think your guy will care. If I, your guy, can't seem to remember the small things about you, what's the point of telling me the deeper information?"

It was the first time I felt fully seen by Jerry. He had just voiced something about myself that very much played in the back of my head. I didn't like that he was seeing me.

He gave me a small smile. "I wish you luck in finding a better guy. Let him in." He leaned over and pecked my forehead, leaving immediately after.

"If you don't have full transparency with him from the beginning, it won't work out, Maya," Dr. Rob said after helping me remember what my last meeting with Jerry had been like.

I nodded. "I know."

"So, when do you leave?"

"Well, at least we had you for the holidays. It would have been nice to have you here a little longer," Tia Jia said.

I was in the passenger's seat driving to the airport and she was driving. "I know. I'm sorry."

She sent me a smile. "Don't be. I'm just happy that you're going after what you really want."

"Thank you, by the way," I said genuinely.

"Oh, sweetie. It's nothing. I'm retired. What else am I doing?" she asked with a chuckle. She thought I meant I was thanking her for the ride to the airport, but that was far from it.

"I mean for everything, tia. For thirty years, you've been the mom I've really needed." I had told her this before—dozens of times, I had thanked her. But it always made me emotional, thanking her.

She got emotional, too. She reached out and took my hand. "I love you."

I squeezed her hand back. "Love you, too."

"Do you know how Namjoon, Yoongi, Jin, and Unnie have been?" my tia asked, changing the subject, but giving my hand another squeeze before letting me go.

"Yoongi says they're ok. Just feels like a really bad cold. Yoongi kind of hinted at Namjoon not having such intense symptoms. At least that's what it sounds like Namjoon told him," I said with uncertainty. While I believe Yoongi would never lie to me, I wouldn't put it pass Namjoon in sugarcoating his symptoms to the members. He didn't like concerning anyone, so he easily dodged questions so they wouldn't know what he was actually going through. It was hard to tell how he was actually feeling without anyone actually physically seeing.

Before my mind wandered and worried about Namjoon, my phone began to buzz. I looked down and noticed who it was.

"Is that him?" my tia asked.

I nodded. I had finally gotten the courage to open KakaoTalk to reach out to the individual I really needed to talk to. But it had been to just send him an SOS. I wanted to talk to him through voice, rather than through text. However, I didn't think it would take him this long to respond.

"Hey, thanks for calling back," I said as I answered the call.

"Of course, noona. Sorry I didn't answer sooner. I'm in Busan with my family and don't use my phone on purpose. How are you?" Jimin's voice sounded concerned.

"I need a favor," I said, needing to beat around the bush before I get to the airport.

"What is it?" asked Jimin.

I told him my situation.

NOTE: What's going to happen next? 👀👀👀😂